The House by the Cemetery (1981): Or, How We Learn That Fiddle Faddle Is A Catalyst For Evil

Greetings friends! It is I, the Duke of DVD, once more appearing behind you in the bathroom mirror as you floss your crusted teeth, digging my cinematic claws into your shoulders and then spinning you around, to vomit the truth that is horror film magic down your gasping piehole! Today I tackle yet another fine film by Italian horror great Lucio Fulci. First, a couple of little-known facts about Fulci:

1) He once masturbated onto the grave of a well-known English poet.

2) He bred jackals for amusement and in order to save on pest control costs.

3) He single-handedly murdered an entire fiefdom whilst on a drunken bender.

Our movie today is "The House by the Cemetery" and once again we have a movie title which explains so much. It's not just any house, folks. Oh no! It's one by a fucking cemetery. It should be common sense by now that you just don't move into said houses. Not even if you get a killer deal on it, people! With that said, let's explore, shall we?

Our movie starts off as all horror movies should: with bare breasts. It seems a young couple figured an old abandoned, cob-web-filled house sitting next to a cemetery would be a grand spot to go shag in. The girl wakes up after no doubt exhausting herself straddling her man's hog, and begins to call out for her lover, who is nowhere to be found.

A certain house... by a certain cemetery.

Wandering through the house, she finally finds him... hanging from a door with his head bashed open! Before you can say "Wow, check out the funbags on that hosehound!", she opens her mouth to scream and gets a kitchen knife rammed through the back of her skull, out the front of her mouth. Nice effects here, I must say! Someone with a mangled arm drags her off, down into the cellar.

"Do I have something in my teeth?"

Next we cut to New York City, where Dr. Norman (Paolo Malco) and his wife Lucy (played by Fulci alum Catriona MacColl) are getting ready for some vacation time with their 6-year-old son Bob. It seems Norman is taking over the research of a colleague after his disappearance. Said research involves a little hamlet out in the country, and a certain house by a certain cemetery. Now where do you suppose the couple and child will end up?

Bob shows off the latest in pumpkin pie haircuts.

That's right, before you can say "Fulci, I love your beard!", the couple arrive at the fabled house with a real estate agent. The agent shows them around the quaint house, and then leaves, but not before running over a headstone in the cemetery with her Jeep! Talk about a bad omen! The couple begin moving things in and repairing stuff around the house to make it livable. A quick glance around the kitchen reveals a cellar door that has been boarded up, probably for good reason.

"Don't mind me, I'm just desecrating this cemetery, by your fucking HOUSE!"

Meanwhile, the son Bob has begun seeing a young girl around town. This ghost girl is seen and talks only to Bob, and warns him repeatedly not to go into the house, and especially not to go into the cellar. Sage advice, no doubt. We first see the creepy ghost girl standing outside a store in the small town, looking at a mannequin. Suddenly, the mannequin's head falls off, and it starts bleeding all over! We don't know what this means, but I'm sure we'll find out!

Forged on an altar of evil by Lucifer Himself, Fiddle Faddle exudes an aura of evil.

To add to all this, a creepy babysitter named Ann shows up outta nowhere and basically moves herself in, the better to take care of little Bob. The babysitter looks like she's drugged at all times and tends to answer questions using only grunts. Turns out, the babysitter looks exactly like the mannequin that was decapitated! Another ill omen, for sure.

"Don't worry honey, we'll get more Fiddle Faddle, I promise!"

After the couple settle in, Norman goes into town to work on his research. Lucy, meanwhile, does some light cleaning. Moving back a rug in the living room, she discovers a tomb! Written on it is the name "Dr. Freudstein." As soon as she discovers this, loud banging and moaning start to emanate from the house, leaving her in hysterics by the time Norman gets home. She shows him the tomb, and without missing a beat, Norman utters one of the best lines in horror movie history:

"Most of the homes in this area have tombs in the living room. This isn't New York ya know!"

Indeed, Norman. Indeed! At any rate, the tomb gets ignored for now. Instead, more pressing matters are dealt with, mainly what the heck is in the cellar? Norman pries the boards away and finds a skeleton key that fits the lock, only it won't turn. Using a knife as leverage, he finally opens it up. No sooner has he got the door open when suddenly a bat flies out and attacks Lucy, tangling up in her hair! Norman grabs the bat, but it latches onto his hand and won't let go. Apparently this is a vampire bat with a particularly clingy grip. Norman finally stabs it, and stabs through his own hand, with a pair of scissors, in an attempt to kill it. Finally, the bat is dead, but not before everyone standing in the kitchen is covered in blood.

"Take that, winged spawn of Satan!"

The next day, the real estate agent stops by to see if everyone is getting along ok. Finding no one at home, she snoops around, until she accidentally steps through the tomb in the living room floor! Her foot trapped, she tries to free herself, when suddenly the, er, "thing" living in the basement appears and rams a fireplace poker through her side... then through her chest, then finally into her neck, which causes death. I have to applaud the effects here. Lots of blood gushing and semi-realistic pokerings.

"Remember me... as a desecrator of graves..."

The basement thing drags the agent's body down to the cellar. The next morning, babysitter Ann is seen scrubbing the floors. No one questions the giant blood trail, but I guess that's a common occurrence when living in a House by the Cemetery. The dad, meanwhile, continues his research and Bob the kid plays games with a dead girl only he can see. The babysitter happens by the kitchen and notices the cellar door ajar. Thinking Bob is down there, she goes to investigate. Bob, meanwhile, is upstairs.

The cellar door locks behind her and won't open, and her screams finally draw Bob downstairs, but first he grabs a stuffed monkey and a gay pink plastic pistol for protection. He can't open the door either, and finally the babysitter's cries are silenced by the basement thing, who cuts her throat multiple times from multiple sides before finally decapitating her. Bob finally gets the door open and goes to investigate, seeing nothing until Ann's head bounces down the stairs behind him.

Everyone wants a babysitter who will give a little head on the side...

Lucy comes home to find Bob in his room, crying in a corner, mumbling about Ann's head. They go to the cellar together to investigate, and find nothing. The mother assures Bob that Ann's alive. Later that night, Bob gets up and goes on another investigation. Standing at the top of the stairs, he utters the immortal line: "Ann? Mommy says you aren't dead, is that true?" He sees evil glowing eyes in the shadows of the cellar, and flees in terror. But of course the door won't open.

Lucy tries the key, but it snaps in half. Finally, just as the cellar thing is closing in on poor Bob, Norman arrives home. Apparently, he's figured out exactly what research was going on. He starts raving about Dr. Freudstein still being alive, despite the snazzy tomb in the house. He can't open the door either, so he grabs a nearby hatchet and tells Bob to stand back.

Tired of his son's foppish 'do, Norman employs a non-standard hair-cutting technique.

Unbeknownst to him, Dr. Freudstein (aka the basement thing), grabs Bob's head and shoves it up against the door. This provides a fairly original and tense scene where Norman repeatedly whacks the door with the hatchet, always coming within inches of his son's head. I give major kudos to Fulci for this scene. Finally, the door opens, and Norman and Lucy rush in just as Dr. Freudstein tosses Bob down the stairs.

"The Doctor... is in."

Helping Bob to his feet, they see the cellar is decorated with all of Dr. Freudstien's victims. Norman explains loudly: "He needs human victims to stay alive, he has to renew his cells!" With that out of the way, he grabs a handy knife lying nearby and stabs Dr. F with it repeatedly. What I can only describe as "maggot gravy" pours out of the wound, onto the floor. Not deterred by the knife attack, Dr. F grabs Norman by the throat, and tears it out! Norman basically just watches this happen to himself, not trying to escape at all. (Note that Dr. Freudstein moves at a glacial pace.)

Here we see the 3 phases of Maggot Gravy.

Lucy, whilst screaming, notices a back staircase that leads up to the tomb in the living room. Dragging a screaming Bob with her, she tries to open the tomb at the top of the stairs as Dr. F slowly climbs up after her. Bob genuinely looks terrified and I wonder if the poor kid is still in therapy to this day, having shot this movie and been witness to all that Fulci has to offer. Lucy has no luck, and Dr. Freudstien drags her screaming down the stairs, her head bashing on each step.

Meanwhile, Bob squeezes through the crack in the tomb created by the real estate agent's foot, and he manages to escape. Up top, he's suddenly in the ghostly realm of the ghost girl, who is waiting for him there along with her ghost mother. The movie ends with them and Bob, walking down the road, leaving the House by the Cemetery behind.

"Is it ok if I stay here a while, despite my haircut?"

Wow, what a movie! I, for one, was very impressed by this film. It had a little bit of everything, but mostly it had great effects that made me clap with glee. Sure, the plot was nonsensical, and the victims should have been able to easily get away from the shambling Dr. Freudstein, but otherwise, bravo Fulci!

I think everyone should give this movie a spin, should it cross your path, and remember, avoid the Fiddle Faddle!

2 Thumbs Up!

Bonus pics:

"Stop & Shop. Your number one source for Fiddle Faddle in the tri-state area!"

"But mom, this Stop & Shop milk tastes like it came from a male bat."

Fiddle Faddle, where it lurks evil is sure to follow.

MORE MADNESS...

Summary only...

Dawn of the Mummy (1981): or, That's a Wrap

Riddle me this, horror geeks: mummies. Are they or are they not a form of Zombie?

One the one hand, signs point to "yes." They are reanimated corpses that stalk the desert lands, slowly delivering bloody death to the unfortunate living who happen to cross their paths. They're typically slow-moving, often in an advanced state of decay (in desert climes, dessication would count as decay, I think), and not generally possessed of a discernable personality, leaving aside Boris Karloff's Mummy-as-Dracula performance and Naschy's Mummy-as-Alaric de Marnac interpretation. Sounds like a zombie to me!

On the other hand, they don't usually eat brains, flesh, or food of any sort, preferring instead a liquid diet of Tana Leaf Tea. They're usually the magical instruments of a supernatural curse, concerned more with protecting their tombs than with spreading contagion across the world. And of course, the mummy's victims don't typically sprout dusty bandages and become mummies themselves. So by those criteria, NOT a zombie, right?

For Egyptian-born director Farouk "Frank" Agrama, however, the point is moot. His 1981 film Dawn of the Mummy blurs the line between implacable revenant and flesh-eating ghoul, which I have to admit is a pretty cool idea. Unfortunately, as is so often the case, the idea falters badly in its execution.

Don't hate her because she's beautiful.

In a strictly by-the-numbers pre-credits sequence set in 3000 BC, we see the Pharaoh Seferaman riding majestically across the dunes with his royal guard, getting ready to ruin some poor villagers' day. There's kidnapping, whipping, and general Ancient Egyptian cruelty, all meant to show the Pharoah is not a nice man.

The dust has hardly settled before we cut to a funeral procession. It seems in the jump-cut from desert to temple Seferaman has kicked the ol' coptic jar, and is all laid out on the altar ready to be mummified. (Get used to this jump-cut plot development--the movie seems to have been edited by a fez-wearing monkey with ADD.) We get a little organ-removal footage (though why they wrap him first and THEN cut through the bandages to get his innards out is a subject for Unsolved Mysteries), and high priestess Xena pronounces the standard curse on anyone who breaks in and steals the Pharaoh's loot.

Another jump cut takes us to the present day, where ugly American tomb raider Rick (Barry Sattels) has discovered the tomb of Seferaman via explosive charges. Rick's strong Bronx accent and entirely unnatural line readings are far more entertaining than his two henchmen's "comic relief" stylings, but he knows his stuff: warning his Stooges that the ancient Egyptians used to poison the air in the tombs to thwart grave robbers, he advises them to let it air out for the night. Unfortunately a couple of passing thieves don't get the memo, and they go in and meet death via ancient chemical warfare. (Mustard Gas was apparently an ancient Egyptian invention.) Oh, and the modern reincarnation of Xena shows up to give Rick the old Moby Dick prophetic warning thing, which is important.

"Why yes, I *am* a model! How'd you know?"

Another jump cut, and we're in New York City, treated to a montage of street scenes full of nondescript citizens. We have no way of knowing at this point, but many of the principals are introduced here, lost in the shuffle of Manhattan's seas of humanity. The only ones we KNOW will be important are photographer Bill and supermodel Lisa--they take center stage in an all-too-brief roller disco photoshoot. No time to dwell, though--another jump cut and we get stock footage of a jetliner, with an agent's voice-over telling us a group of models are on their way to Cairo for a shoot, and next thing you know, we're back in Egypt!

I could go into all the ins and outs of the plot, but that would be trying for both of us. In summary: not wanting to shoot by the pyramids, since that would be cliched, Bill takes the girls out to an oasis that just happens to be close to Seferaman's tomb. This puts a crimp in Bill and the Stooges' style, but for some reason they allow the group to shoot in the recently-opened tomb. The lights warm up Seferaman's corpse sufficiently to bring him back to life, along with 20 or 30 of his buried-alive servants. There's a lot of back and forth between the oasis and the village, a lot of mummies standing around growling menacingly as people walk by, and a lot of expendable extras go down before the film goes foot-dragging toward its climax.

Humidity was high in the desert that year.

The climax is where Agrama lets loose and turns his mummy movie into a zombie movie. Seferaman's undead servants descend on the village (where a rockin' wedding ceremony is taking place, complete with belly dancers, a female fire-breather, and copious ululation) and cause massive panic, killing whoever they get their hands on and subsequently eating their flesh. It should be noted that the undead servants are NOT mummies proper--only Seferaman himself was mummified--and while the Pharaoh does kill several of the would-be graverobbers, he does so largely via traditional Mummy MO: strangling and neck-ripping decapitation. (He does off one of the Stooges with a well-placed cleaver, showing he's not a one-trick monarch. Also, his blood is acid, for some reason.)

Dawn of the Mummy is kind of a mess, and the pacing is not what anyone would call scintillating. Until that final action-packed climax, the undead Egyptians seem in no hurry at all to complete the whole "vengeance from the grave" thing. Perhaps this is because of the big-picture point of view such creatures must necessarily have--let's face it, when you've been hanging out watching the world go by for over 3000 years, it probably alters one's sense of urgency. The editing is bad, as mentioned, and the gore scenes and zombie make-up are nothing to write home about either, which is a shame.

"Send...more...archaeologists..."

There are joys to be had if you're desperate for them, though. The on-location shots by the Great Pyramids add a lot of production value and look great. Also, the movie seems to have been entirely post-dubbed, which leads to some hilariously incongruous line-readings, an over-reliance on "talking to myself" exposition, and truly confusing foley effects. (Listen for the Camel Groans as recorded by Chewbacca.) The one-keyboard score is very overbearing, but cheese-tastic. The plot machinations are also good for a few chuckles--the Americans never seem to worry about ANYTHING in this movie, pushing their way into the tomb despite the fact that Rick and his men were shooting at them mere moments before, shrugging off the half-dozen dead bodies they encounter in their three-day shoot, and not even getting visibly concerned when one of their horses ends up with its throat ripped out. ("Probably a wild animal," they say--well, maybe, but even so, shouldn't that make you a little nervous?) The script is laughably bad wall-to-wall; I also smiled when the supermodels formulated a plan to kill the mummy using some conveniently stashed dynamite, and at the sudden reappearance of one of their group just after the ensuing fiery cataclysm.

But most of the little enjoyment I got out of the movie came courtesy Barry Sattels as Rick, who seems to be channeling both Indiana Jones and Peter Lorre as he searches for gold in the tomb. He gets some extremely evocative crazy faces going on, and his EPIC FREAKOUT when he discovers one of his henchmen dead at Seferaman's hands is worth fast-forwarding to. (One of the models also gets a hilarious freakout as she runs from the flesh-eating ghouls, which made me wish there'd been more of that.)

Rick: Excited!

Rick: Crazed with Gold-Lust!

Rick: Terrified!

Rick: Wait, it's Gold-Lust again!

Rick: Le Morte du Crazyface

Agraman was obviously working under some tight conditions here--not only was budget a factor, but because of strict Egyptian censorship he could not show as much sex as he wanted to (according to his largely boring and technical-centric commentary), the addition of which could only have helped. However, I'd have expected a little more from an Egyptian-made mummy/zombie bloodbath, and Dawn of the Mummy largely fails to deliver. 1.25 thumbs.

"Freunlaven!"

MORE MADNESS...

Summary only...

Top 10 Inexplicably Awesome Bit Characters: Part 2 of 2

Yesterday I started my countdown of favorite supporting characters in Mad Movies I've reviewed. With all the great, wild, and totally out-there performances I've seen since MMMMMovies began, it was really hard to narrow my choices to a top 10. I could easily have down 25 or 50, but that would have seemed overly self-indulgent. And while I usually indulge myself like a mad minx every chance I get (IYKWIM), I figured that if I went on that long, I'd be enjoying myself alone. As usual. :P

So without further ado, here are my Top 5 Favorite Bit Characters of the moment. Enjoy, and use the comments to let us know what faves of YOURS should have made the list!

5. Stacy in Madman (1982)

My love for this lesser-known 80s slasher knows no bounds. Not only do I love the movie, I have a close, personal, intimate relationship with pretty much every character, from the Appollonian TP to the sagely Max to the Pencil-Thin Pornstache Bearer. But the independent, free-spirited Stacy as portrayed by Harriet Bass remains a mystery to me. Not conventionally beautiful with her Epstein-in-Welcome Back Kotter hairstyle, sleepy eyes, and modest wardrobe, she still exudes a strange sensuality that's hard to ignore. Perhaps the fact that she seems more interested in Gaylen Ross's Betsy than in unattached possible-psycho Dave is part of it. Maybe it's the Bronx Cheer she flings at Mother Nature upon reaching to top of a difficult incline. Here's a woman I would like to know better, but whose essence stays maddeningly out of reach. That fact that she has easily the most memorable death scene in the film only adds to my attraction. Oh, Stacy, won't you sit in my dinghy and blow on my flute for me?

4. Oraclon in Escape from Galaxy 3 (1981)


Joe Spinell's Emperor Zarth Arn from the unapproachably MAD sci-fi/fantasy flick Starcrash would be a hard act for anyone to follow, but in Escape from Galaxy 3--aka Starcrash 2--Don Powell doesn't just follow: he pulls into the passing lane and gets in the lead. As intergalactic baddie Oraclon, King of the Night, Powell provides Mad Movie Fans with a villain for the ages. Whether ordering his minons to "Scan the whole Eastern Galaxy!" or giving James Brown-style "Heh!" laughs every time he successfully asplodes a rebel ship, Oraclon commands your undivided attention every time he's onscreen. Of course his P-Funk/Mexican Wrestling outfits help, but that's just part of being the King of the Night. That Powell also composed the score (and also appeared in and scored [in] Black Emanuelle 2) only adds to his legend.

3. Dameia in Galaxy of Terror (1981)


Sometimes a Mad Movie character is memorable for what he or she says, some awesomely quotable bit of dialog that immediately enters the fanatic's daily parlance (i.e., "Let's send these fuckers a Rambo-Gram!"). Sometimes immortality comes from the way he reacts to a particularly heinous happening, or a sudden flash of bravery where none was expected (i.e., "You've gotta be fucking kidding me!" or "I kick arse for the Lord!"). And sometimes the character's manner of death is so out there, so wild, so beyond anything one could expect or hope for, it eclipses all else and shoots the victim into the Mad Movie Stratosphere.

Such is the case for poor unfortunate Dameia in the amazing 80s sci-fi/horror flick Galaxy of Terror. You might forget that Robert Englund was in the movie gearing up for his legend-making roles a few years later. It might slip your mind that Erin Moran trades in her poodle skirts here for an exploding head shot. You might even erase Sid Haig's crystal-flinging warrior from your mental hard drive. But you will never forget scoleciphiobic space-babe Taaffe O'Connell getting her clothes ripped off and being gooed to death by an overly amorous nematode! There's a reason "Taaffe O' Connell Worm Rape" and its many variations are consistently the top very search terms leading readers to Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies. (This is a TRUE FACT--according to Google Analytics, more people search for this than for "Naked Nuns" and "Russ Meyer Boobies" combined.) Sometimes immortality comes hard--but Taafe, you've GOT it, babe.

2. The Totally Awesome Narrator from Blood Freak (1972)


How do you make a movie about a musclebound, genetically mutated Turkeytaur who drinks the blood of drug users when he's not smoking pot at Bible School meetings EVEN BETTER? You add THIS guy. Part narrator, part Greek chorus, part philosophy lecturer and ALL 100% AWESOME, Brad F. Grinter chain smokes his way through the movie and increases its watchability by a factor of ten. Open silk shirt, wood panelling backdrop, earnest and penetrating eyes, sonorous voice, and a John Waters moustache under Stan Lee's hairdo--how much more awesome could it be? The answer is: none. None more awesome.

For an encore, on the Something Weird Video release Grinter returns in the no-more-need-be-said short subject, "Brad Grinter: Nudist." And yes, he chain smokes even while in the buff.

And the NUMBER ONE FAVORITE bit character in a Mad Movie of ALL TIME...

1. The Manager in Evilution (2008) and Basement Jack (2008)



Old fashioned clothes. Eccentric line readings. A look in his eyes that makes you want to know what's going on behind that smile, and at the same time frightened of that very knowledge. This is The Manager's world. We're all just leasing it.

Two of my most pleasant surprises last year were these features from Black Gate/Island Gateway films. Evilution is the story of a biozombie outbreak in the decrepit, hauntingly ornate hotel The Necropolitan, and Basement Jack an old-school slasher with a new-school difference. But the highlight of both films for my money is Nathan Bexton's icon-building turn as the superintendent of the Necropolitan, the enigmatic and endlessly entertaining Manager. Despite extremely limited screentime in both films, Bexton's character provides a fascinating substrate linking both stories, using his strange mannerisms and tossed-off asides to create the sense of a whole other movie going on in the shadows of the ones we're watching, a movie I desperately want to see. I was lucky enough to get screeners of these first two entries in Island Gateway's projected trilogy of fear flicks based around the mysterious apartment building, and every time I watch them I love the Manager more. I haven't heard any news about distribution yet, sadly, but I'm still chomping at the bit for the third film, titled THE NECROPOLITAN, which promises to bring this icon-in-the-making center-stage and answer some of the questions the first two flicks so tantalizingly raised. When that film finally hits the festival circuit or--dare I dream?--commercial DVD, I guarantee I will no longer be alone in my worship of THE BEXX.


Interspecies Honorable Mention: Whitey in Private Parts (1972)

Proving you don't have to be human to make an impression. I think my poem in this little mouse's honor says it all.

Hope you enjoyed this little trip down supporting-character lane. Please let me know *your* favorite bit characters in the comments! And keep coming back for more Movie Madness!

MORE MADNESS...

Summary only...