Rabid Dogs (1974): Neck Stabbings, 12" Penises, and Bava Worship

Salutations, friends! Once again, the Duke of DVD returns to shine a light into the dingy room that is your collective lives. I see you there, huddled like a forsaken mass in the corner of your kitchen, the light reflecting off the Twinkie wrappers you clutch to your lumpy chest as if they were so many Krugerrans. I take a step into the room, my velvet slipper pushing aside the abused carcass of an opossum. You jerk as I gently pat you on the arm, pushing yourself further into the corner with your near-useless legs. Fear not! I whisper quietly into your ear, which is more scar tissue than useful appendage, calming your racing, massive heart. Soon you are blubbering, grateful for the blessings I bring you.

Today’s blessing comes in the form of a generous dollop of candied Bava. That’s right! The Duke has the Bava Goods™, that crystal spike of MAD wonder, injected straight into your disfigured arm like a silver lance of Happy. Release yourself to the MADness once again, and lie in sublime repose upon the cushioned lounge that is Mario Bava and his genius. As you should all know by now, the Duke and Vicar both worship all that is Bava, and we would be remiss if we didn’t include in our pantheon of MAD films Bava’s lost masterpiece: Rabid Dogs, a film that languished in a filthy lawyer’s desk drawer for decades before finally seeing the light of day.

What treasures could it hold? Just how Rabid are these Dogs? How many sweaty, horny Italian males can be crammed into 96 minutes of film?

Let’s find out, shall we?

Our film opens with a group of four sleazy gentlemen pulling off a heist, which quickly escalates into violence, as a few of the men are quick to murder at the slightest provocation. It seems the group of thieves found out when payroll arrival day was at a local business, and set up a quick heist to relieve the business of its funds. Grabbing the suitcase full of cash, one of the thieves stabs the case-carrier in the stomach. Before they can escape, the police show up and start shooting. As the thieves are driving away, a crack shot on the police squad shoots one of the robbers in the back of the head through the rear window of the car, and another cop shoots a hole in the gas tank.

"Of all the times to take a nap!"

The pursuit is on! The thieves quickly realize that their gas is running out, so they drive into a multi-storied parking garage. The police are in hot pursuit, however, and quickly catch up to the punks. The crooks, now cornered, grab the nearest hostages they can: two women, who are enjoying their day out shopping. A standoff quickly ensues, but ends just as quickly when one of the robbers murders one of the women by stabbing her in the neck! The cops, fearing the other woman will be murdered, finally back off, giving enough time and room for the thieves to make their escape.

They quickly realize that the car they are in is known by the cops, so as soon as they can they find another. This one just happens to be driven by the next person they see at a stop light. Jumping into his car, waving their guns, they force the woman hostage in with them. The man is Riccardo (played fantastically by Riccardo Cucciolla), who plays it cool because he has to: it seems the backseat contains his sick son, who appears to be around the age of 10 (we only ever see his face, as he’s wrapped in blankets the entire film). Riccardo explains he was on the way to the hospital.

Sorry dude, just because you stole some money doesn't make you any less gay.

It’s time we meet our criminals! First up, is the cool-as-ice Doc (Maurice Poli). He’s as smooth as he is tan, and hardly ever breaks a sweat (figuratively, for he, along with everyone else, sweats like a very sweaty thing throughout the entire film). He’s the obvious brains of the unit, and pretty much divides his time between coming up with what to do next and keeping the other two miscreants under control. This brings us to Blade (Don Backy), a bushy-topped, impulsive, twitchy man who gets high on the criminal life. He is, however, a controlled tornado next to the brash 32, who puts the “rabid” in “Rabid Dogs.” That’s right folks, his nickname is 32, as in centimeters, as in he’s hung like a mule (which thankfully Bava keeps off-camera; I don’t need the Vicar weeping openly in front of me again). 32 is much the focus of Rabid Dogs, and for good reason. Played by George Eastman (aka Luigi Montefiori, aka Gabriele Duma), this guy deserves all the praise he can be given and then some.

Very quickly, Riccardo explains to these men that he’s trying to take his sick son to the hospital, and that he wants no part with what’s going on. Doc explains he has no options, and that Riccardo, the boy, and the woman will all be free to go once the men make good their escape from the cops. This proves to be a shallow promise, however, as Doc never exactly explains how long he thinks this will take (note: they’ve already successfully ditched the police). So, with orders to drive on back-country roads in order to avoid attention, Riccardo takes off, the woman Maria (Lea Lander) in between him and Doc, and with Blades and 32 in the backseat, the young boy wrapped in a blanket between them. Got that? Don't make me break out the whiteboard.

Emergency tracheotomy, Italian-style

To say that Blade and 32 are amoral would be an understatement. They are barely restrained Mad-men, sweating and laughing uncontrollably. Bava’s camera confines us to the car for almost the entire film, creating a claustrophobic environment where we’re a silent passenger. We see the characters sweltering in the hot summer sun, almost always in EXTREME CLOSE-UP. Blade and 32 behave like caged animals in heat next to the cool calm of Doc and Riccardo and the wide-eyed panic of Maria. Very quickly, Maria becomes the focus of 32, an Italian poon-hound if there ever was one. His huge frame, barely fitting into the side of the backseat he occupies, is in constant motion, fidgeting and jerking, at times reaching over the seat to try and fondle Maria, at others pulling his pants down for no reason other than to terrify with his massive appendage. We’re all along for the ride, and what a ride it is!

As Bava has pointed out before in his films, greed gets you no where. We soon learn, via the probing questions of Riccardo, that the men didn’t steal that much money; certainly not enough to warrant the multiple murders that resulted. Not only that, but the money is slowly but surely used up on the get-away journey. First Riccardo (either accidentally or on purpose, we aren’t sure) rear-ends another driver in front of him during a traffic bottleneck caused by road construction. Doc, knowing they can’t very well kill everyone around them, instead pays the motorist off, using some of the money. In another scene, a farmer extorts money out of them due to some damaged grapes. In yet another, they have to pay exorbitant fees to get gas into their car’s tank. Coupled with this is the constant headache of keeping to back roads and dealing with Maria, who is always either pleading to be let free or trying to escape.

"And then, you must give us all a good spanking!"

One escape attempt leads to a foul scene at an empty farmhouse. Maria asks to be let out in order to use the restroom, and bolts as soon as she can, running to a nearby farm. Blade and 32 chase after her. I was assuming a rape scene was incoming here, but instead we get something that, while not as contemptible, is still pretty heinous: Blade and 32 force Maria to urinate on herself while standing, as they watch and laugh. (The mighty Bava influenced by upstart Wes Craven's Last House on the Left (1972)? Apparently so!) Degraded, Maria can do nothing but slump listlessly as the two men force her back to the car, this time putting her in the backseat.

This proves unhealthy for 32, whose lust overwhelms any need to remain inconspicuous while on the lam. He begins to try and rape Maria, in flagrante de Pinto. Doc tries to calm him down and gets choked by 32 for the effort, though he's released before suffering any real damage. The Doc pacified, 32 continues the rape attempt, causing passing motorists to yell and shake their fists. The car enters a tunnel, and Doc seizes the moment and shoots 32 in the neck! However, 32 is so big and crazed, this doesn’t kill him, it merely paralyzes him. Blade doesn’t like this, but realizes it needed to be done.

I think we all know the answer to that question.

The car finally runs low on gas, forcing the crew to stop at a station. After badgering the attendant, who is on break, to fill the tank up, they are just about to leave when a woman happens by. It seems her car has broken down and she needs a ride to a mechanic. She basically forces her way into the car, chatting non-stop. At first she attempts to open 32’s door, who is slumped against it with a towel over his head. She assumes he’s sleeping and instead sits up front with Maria and Riccardo, the Doc moving to the rear seat. The woman will not stop talking and singing along with the radio, which ultimately proves her undoing when Blade rams his switchblade into her throat. (Hey, the dude just likes stabbing throats, ok?).

Noticing a theme with ol' 32 here?

Realizing now that they have two dead or dying bodies in the car, the crew pulls over near a ravine. Blade and Doc unceremoniously fling the hitchhiking lady’s body over the side, and then haul 32’s hulking frame down a path before finally placing him near the crumpled body of the lady. Blade ends 32’s suffering with a bullet to the brain, and also relieves him of his watch. After some more driving, the Doc, Maria, Riccardo, Blade, and the boy finally arrive at the destination that Doc has been leading them to, albeit in a very convoluted fashion: a stashed car! Seems the Doc was smart enough to stash a car miles away from anywhere in an abandoned barn, just in case. Smart dude, that Doc.

"Pop Rocks and Coke... how could I have been so stupid?!"

Blade grabs Maria and starts dragging her over to the new car, as Doc holds a gun on Riccardo, ordering him to take the boy over. As Riccardo is leaning in to pick up the blanket-wrapped boy, we see Doc's not the only one who can plan ahead--Riccardo has somehow managed to secret away a small caliber pistol by hiding it in the boy’s blanket! Riccardo stands up and fires directly into Doc’s chest, who slumps immediately to the ground. Blade doesn’t move fast enough with the sub-machine-gun he’s wielding and gets shot by Riccardo, who then notices Doc trying to rise and plugs him again, mercilessly. As Blade lies on the ground, one hand holding his machine-gun, the other holding the money bag, Maria runs across from the new car to the old one, her hopeful face beaming at Riccardo.

Riccardo had to be very careful: he knew that a mere glimpse at George Eastman's exposed chest hair was enough to shatter the heterosexuality of even the sweatiest Italian stud.

The hope, it fades, with a quickness! Blade uses his last once of life-force to machine-gun Maria in the back, and she crumples dead instantly at a shocked Riccardo’s feet. Bava gives us a wide, spectacular view of the carnage as Riccardo stands alone, triumphant, pistol still at the ready as he cradles the young boy. Riccardo scurries over and puts his young ward in the new getaway car. He pauses to think a minute, and heads back to Doc’s corpse, bends down, and rips the wallet from Doc’s back pocket. Riccardo then walks over to Blade and jerks the money bag free of his clutches. Riccardo’s the man! He drives away, free and clear.

*** Friends, Bava has one more twist in store for us. If you’ve made it this far, and are thinking to yourself, furrowing your brow in a vain attempt to form a coherent thought, that perhaps you would like to watch this movie for yourself, then I encourage you to avoid the next paragraph. You have been warned, spoilers ahoy! ***

We see Riccardo pull up at a gas station, and head to a nearby phone booth. He drops a coin in, and connects to a frantic lady, who, as it turns out, is the young, quilt-wrapped boy’s mother! It seems Riccardo, instead of on his way to a hospital with his sick son, is a kidnapper himself!! The kidnapper has been kidnapped, or rather he was. Ooohh, the delicious irony! Bava, you are the king, sir! My turgid member salutes you! Riccardo tells the mother he wants 2 million lira or some such, which is roughly enough to buy a moldy sandwich nowadays. He hangs up, walks back to the car, and opens the trunk, revealing the sickened boy. Fin.

Quilt, tablecloth, drapery, or lady's dress: YOU make the call!

Friends, I am impressed by this movie. Blown away, even. It plays just like a modern thriller, and would have been eons ahead of its time, had it been released when it was originally made. However, thereby hangs a tale: the original producer of Rabid Dogs, Roberto Loyola, was killed during the production of the film, and the Italian court seized his entire estate, including the only print of the movie. It stayed this way for 23 fucking years until finally being released by the courts. Bava had long since gone to his infernal reward, so he never got to see one of his greatest masterpieces released.

Bava’s son, Lamberto, decided to rework the film along with producer Alfredo Leone. They shot a new ending, reworked some key scenes, and released the movie as Kidnapped. Spoiler: it pretty much sucks. I have no idea what they were thinking! The original is far superior, and certainly more visceral and tight. One other interesting bit of trivia: the budget for Rabid Dogs was so tight, Bava had to fire cinematographer Emilio Varriano and take over that role himself, just to have enough money to finish the film.

Every Vicar-thrown croquet party always ends the same.

I really wish Bava had lived long enough to see his original masterwork released. I honestly believe it would have been a success. In the end, we should all be glad that the original print still exists at all. It is a brutal, unforgiving film that features Bava’s trademark eye for quality and ability to get amazingly MAD performances out of his actors. Needless to say, this one gets a stellar 3+ Thumps Up from yours truly. I encourage everyone to track down a copy and give it a go. You shall not be disappointed!

And whoever frees the switchblade from this hooker's throat, will henceforth be King of All Italy!

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The Forbidden Photos of a Lady Above Suspicion (1970), Or How No Ladies Are Above Suspicion In Italy!

A courier arrived recently at the Ducal estates (known locally as “That creepy-ass huge McMansion on the hill, you know, the one with the constant parade of freaks coming and going, oh and the weird, mute doorman with no ears, not to mention the super fat, sexually virile rich dude that lives there” by the local teens). I knew this to be a special delivery by the outward look of the courier alone: riding a creaky, ancient pennyfarthing bicycle, he was dressed in an elaborate peacock cloak and hunched his shoulders like a dog trying to pass a peach seed. His pock-marked face belied a sort of hideous retardation that at once frightened me and aroused my curiosity. Surely only the most powerful of men could control a freak such as this!

Turns out, he was sent by the Vicar (I should have known). In his leathery hand, he extended a parchment-wrapped parcel, sealed with the Vicar’s own glyph, which was pressed into wax made from the rendered fat of an uncut yak penis. I unwrapped the package as the the dullard knuckled his forehead in my direction, turned and sped off back down the way, a single honk from his bicycle horn echoing sonorously across the expanse of my front acreage.

Inside, a gem of a giallo, dealing with filthy blackmailing Italians, red-headed hotties, and more cane-knives than you can shake a stick at. Huzzah! I exclaimed. The Vicar does love me so.

Let us explore, shall we?

Our movie opens with the young Minou (played by the luscious Dagmar Lassander) taking a bubble bath. Sure, she may have the real-life name of a surly stevedore from Portsmouth, but make no mistake, this is Grade-A Euro-babe hawtness, 100% organic free-range teat, folks. We get no nudity this early, but with Dagmar we don’t need it (well, I told myself this while watching), as her figure is striking whether it’s covered by suds in a tub, or drenched in The Duke’s Own™ Man-Ranch.

But not above smoking in the bathtub, clearly.

As she bathes, Minou gives us a bit of inner monologue about how she’s going to stop drinking so much, and how she’s going to give up taking tranquilizers(!). Now, I can’t speak for all of you, but the thought of a drunk, tranquilized Eurohottie gets me all excited, like. All down in my nethers, even. It isn’t long before Minou violates her own covenant, dropping a horse pill down her gullet with a bourbon chaser. You see, she’s pining for her husband, Peter, who has been neglecting his marital duties of late due to a massive workload.

"Mirror mirror, on the wall, who's the least suspicious of them all?"

Minou decides to go out later that night for a nice walk by the pier a little ways from her house. Before we can shriek “Watch out, Minou, it’s a slimy Italian male!”, a slimy Italian male accosts her by riding up on a motorcycle to leer. Minou flees, but he pursues, using a short cane that is almost like a cudgel, except more, uh, cane-like. Quickly revealing a hidden blade (as all good canes and cudgels should have), he uses it to capture Minou and forces her to the ground. He straddles her, and she fears her worst fear (as well as the top fear by most of planet Earth) is about to be realized: unwanted, surprise insemination by a sleazy Italian.

That's one spicy meatball!

It seems Mr. Blackmailer (as he’s known in the credits, played with obvious aplomb by Simon Andreu) has other ideas than simply cavorting in her cinnabar crevice. He lets her know that her husband is not all he seems he is, and is indeed a murderer! He uses his cane-knife to cut open the top part of her dress, revealing little but hinting at a lot more. He assures her that he’ll leave her honor intact, for the moment, for eventually she’ll beg him to take her. With that, he leaves her be.

Winner of the "Awesome Things To Do With A Cane-Knife" Contest.

Minou rushes off to a nearby bar, where a couple of drunks watch her down roughly 20 beers while waiting on her husband Peter to arrive. A humorous side-note here, the camera sure does linger over shots of the strategically placed bottles, for a brand called “Carlsberg”, which is, it turns out, now the 4th largest beer brewery in the world, and popular most anywhere suds are are popular, minus parts of Arkansas and most of the Darfur region of the Sudan. Minou explains that a sexual deviant accosted her, leaving out the parts about Peter, choosing wisely to keep those to herself for a while yet.

Carlsberg: the J&B of Beers.

Once again, Peter rushes back to the office, leaving Minou to her own devices. She uses this time to hook up with her best friend Dominique (the yummy Nieves Navarro) to go clubbing. Much to my horror, Minou covers up her delicious red hair with a so-white-it’s-blond wig which, complete with the silk pantsuit she decides to wear, just screams “old lady” to me. She resembles Dolly Parton in Nine to Five, only without the ludicrously huge bazooms and backwoods-of-Kentucky accent.

"More suspicious *with* the wig, or without? Be honest, now."

After dancing like a couple of ‘shroomed-out hippies, they have a seat at a nearby table to gossip. Dominique casually mentions the death of an older gent, who happens to be the business associate of Minou’s husband. Later at home, Minou reads more about the death in the local paper. It seems the death was rather mysterious, the deceased having been killed by embolism of the kind divers get from surfacing too quickly. Peter comes home and Minou asks him about the dead fellow, and as it turns out Peter owed the man a considerable sum of money. Hmm, the plot thickens!

"I've told you before, honey. Never take the horse tranquilizers with no booze in your stomach."

The next day, Minou has a lunch date with Dominique. At a small cafe, Minou discusses her run-in with the shady, hairy Italian pervert. Dominique is entranced, exclaiming “Oh! I would love to be violated!” I guess I need to expand the Ducal B&B Promotional mailings. At any rate, the girls retire to Dominique’s house, where she wastes no time in getting the young Minou to leer at pornographic pictures, most all of them containing Dominique being rogered and groped by sweaty, hairy Italian poon-hounds. Minou happens upon a pic of a man pawing Dominique’s ample bosoms, and realizes it’s the blackmailer dude! Asking if she can have that one (Dominique doesn’t mind spreading the porn), Minou takes off without explaining why she’s suddenly acting funny.

"Why yes, I have time for a survey.... Oh, no, sorry, I am not in fact a lady above suspicion."

The next day, we see Peter at his office, and find out he’s involved with diving equipment, including pressurized tank construction! Hmm, mysterious death due to embolism... potentially deadly scuba stuffs.... nah, couldn’t be! Later that night, as Minou and Peter sleep, Mr. Blackmailer calls on the phone, talks to Minou and plays her a recording that is of Peter and his coworker, discussing the killing of the now-deceased guy he owed money to! Minou is suitably horrified, but still determined to protect Peter.

Minou heads to the blackmailer’s apartment. The place is really something, covered in plaster hands reaching from the walls, with a love-nest in the middle of the floor and weird demon statuary of the sort seen around the Vicar’s pantry. Minou tries to pay him off with $1000, but he just tosses it away. He informs her that his sole intent is to sex her up, but she’s gotta ask him for it. He threatens to go to the police with his recording when she recoils in horror at his hairy, sweat-covered body. Finally Minou relents, and spends a busy afternoon having the equivalent of a wet dog rubbed over her naked flesh, as the Italian blackmailer has his way with her. In the end, he gives her the audio tape, which she chunks into the nearby ocean when she leaves his apartment.

"What has seven hands and is dying for a blow job?"

Arriving back home, she finds Dominique hanging out with Peter. Since her excuse that she was with Dominique doesn’t hold much water now, Minou stumbles about under Peter’s harsh gaze until Dominique finally manages to cover for her. Later that night, still obsessing over her sexy-time, Minou once again hits the tranquilizers. Minou just can’t let go, reliving her nightmarish day over and over. We see more tidbits of her time with the blackmailer/rapist, including him donkey punching her in the face!

The next day while Peter is out at work, Mr. Rapist shows up at Minou’s apartment! He tells her the tape of Peter was a fake, and that all he wanted to do was have her submit to him. He shows her pictures that he somehow had taken while they were mid-coitus, and that she can’t tell Peter unless she wants the photos to come out into the open! Not knowing what to believe anymore, Minou turns to tranqs and alcohol as she spirals further down the rabbit hole.

Minou heads over to Dominique’s house, and it is revealed to us that Dominique is sleeping with Peter! He slips out the back door as Minou arrives at the front. She eventually confides in Dominique, confessing the whole thing. Dominique wants to help, so she helps Minou get together $20,000 in order to really well and truly buy off the blackmailer this time. Minou pawns some of her jewelry to make up some of the cash, then heads over to the rapist’s apartment. He’s having none of it, though! Giving her 3 days to once again submit to him, he lets her leave unmolested, this time.

"As you can see, we have a wide variety of gluepots available for your sniffing pleasure."

Dominique goes to Plan B: getting Minou to confess to Peter, which she does. Understandably, Peter is upset, but he calls in a favor with the local police commissioner, who arrives and takes statements. The party heads over to the rapist’s house, which turns out has been empty for at least a year. Minou really starts to come unglued at this point, and even contemplates suicide the next day while standing up on a high trolley station above the nearby bay.

"I'm sorry, Peter. You're neither hairy nor sweaty enough to arouse me anymore."

The rapist/blackmailer keeps taunting Minou, including showing up at her apartment late at night while a storm rages. He gives Minou a creepy Italian leer from outside a window while the rain pelts down. Screaming, Minou calls for Peter, but of course Mr. Poon-hound is long gone. Minou remembers her photo that she took from Dominique, but in looking for it she finds it’s gone. She talks Peter and the commish into going to Dominique’s flat, so she can confirm the existence of the photo. Dominique tells them she can’t recall giving any photo to Minou.

At this point, the writers of the movie are really trying to keep the viewer as confused as Minou. On one hand, we have Peter seemingly involved in a murder via decompression chamber, and on the other we have Mr. Rapist, who could have just invented the whole thing. We also have Dominique acting coy but seeming to know all that is going on with just a few glances or chance looks at Minou.

Everything comes to a head the next night, when Minou is home alone once again due to Peter having a business engagement. She hears a noise, goes to investigate, and finds a turtle has somehow gotten into her house. Suddenly, the lights go out, and she sees what she thinks is the rapist, holding his cane-knife! Only it turns out to be a creepy mannequin. As she’s staring at the mannequin, a hand reaches out from under a nearby curtain and grabs her leg! She hammers it with a nearby statue, and it lets go.

Out from under the curtain comes the rapist, of course. He retrieves his cane-knife and knocks Minou down, straddling her once again. He begins to make tiny incisions along her neck, all the while kissing her! Meanwhile, Peter realizes he left some important papers at home, so he rushes back, arriving just in time to see Mr. Rapist straddling his wife. Calm as a flat sea, Peter sets his briefcase down, pulls out a pistol, and shoots the blackmailer square in the back, killing him instantly!

**** spoilers beyond this point, I suggest you skip the next few paragraphs if you want to retain your innocence! ****

Minou awakens to find Peter about to make a phone call, instead of checking on her of course. Peter reveals that it was him all along, that yes indeed he murdered the business rival, but that wasn’t enough, he had to set up and elaborate web of lies that included having Minou murdered for insurance money. Only the guy he hired, Mr. Rapist Blackmailer, took his job too seriously and instead toyed with Minou when he was only supposed to kill her. Just as Peter is about to shoot Minou, the police rush in along with Dominique, and the commish guns down Peter!

Forbidden Photo of a Lady (Below a Suspicious Italian).

Minou is wheeled away to the hospital, her external wounds merely superficial, but her mental scarring understandably deep. Dominique explains to the commish that she had slowly put things together when she realized that Peter had taken out a large life insurance policy on Minou. We cut to a few days or perhaps weeks ahead, and Minou is leaving a psych ward, good as new. Dominique picks her up in a convertible, and the two drive off, with Dominique joking that she has some new pornographic pictures to show Minou. It is to laugh! The two drive off, screeching like drunken harpies. Fin.

**** end spoilers ****

"How dare you suspect my wife of anything. She's above that, sir!"

As gialli go, this one was actually pretty enjoyable. There wasn’t a whole lot of nudity, and all of the sex was pretty much done clothed, but what nudity existed was tastefully done. The storyline really kept me guessing along with Minou, but then I’m easily duped by movies so perhaps my illustrious readers would have had it figured out very early on. Some things are never really explained, like how did they set up the rapist’s apartment in order to make it seem like no one had been there for a year? Dominique’s having photos of the rapist were never quite explained either, I guess except for her promiscuity. The writers used Dominique as a red herring quite a bit.

A lot must be said for the direction, done by the great Luciano Ercoli. His use of pacing and suspense really added a lot to what could have easily been a mediocre giallo. Cinematography by the fab Alejandro Ulloa (of El Caminante fame) was eye-popping to say the least. Every shot was beautifully framed, and his use of light and shadow during the night scenes really added to the tension. Special props go to Ennio Morricone’s score.

In the end, I have to give this one 2 Thumbs Up, despite the lack of rampant nudity and the fact that it was packed to the rafters with sweaty Italian men. I prefer my men hairless and Scandinavian, but that’s a conversation best left for a long winter’s night. Friends, if you enjoy a good giallo from time to time, you could do a lot worse than Forbidden Photos of a Lady Above Suspicion.

Bonus Sweaty Italian

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