For the twelfth and possibly final installment of the Fictional Speaker Series, we here at Brevity noticed that our speaker list has never included a lawyer. This is unacceptable. The practice of law can be an important part of good business. How do you think law firms stay afloat? Enthusiastic billing, maybe, but also strong leadership. And for that, we turn to Richard Fish of Ally McBeal.
Richard Fish on priorities: Make enough money, and everything else will follow. Quote me. That's a Fishism.
On professional responsibility: Let me tell you something. I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law; the law sucks. It's boring, but it can also be used as a weapon. You want to bankrupt somebody? Cost him everything he's worked for? Make his wife leave him, even make his kids cry? Yeah, we can do that.
On adverse verdicts: Let the record show: dammit.
On lay opinions: Is that the two cents? I'd be looking for change.
On the bottom line: Piles and piles of money. If I help some along the way, great, but mainly I'm in this for the piles, heaps, the really big piles.
On inter-office romances: Everybody's alone. It's just easier to take in a relationship.
On pro bono cases: Helping others is never more rewarding than when it's in your own self-interest.
On administering justice: Objection! Your Honor, this is boring!
On self-evaluation: You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are. Fishism.
On compassion: It's not my style to care about others, but what's going on?
On obstacles: "Problem" is just a bleak word for challenge.
On legal instincts: Never trust second thoughts. Next thing you know there'll be a third and a fourth... you'll be thinking forever!
On communication: I couldn't help but overhear, probably because I was eavesdropping.
On employee retention: New firm policy, listen up! Anybody who sues this firm or me personally, we all drop whatever cases we are working on. We devote all of our intellectual and creative efforts to ruining that person's life. Are we clear? I don't want to stop short with just getting even. Retribution is not strong enough. Ruin, that is the goal. Irreversible, irreparable, irrational ruin! New firm policy!
On staying on point: I'm nothing if not redundant! I also repeat myself.
On honest approaches: For whatever reason, people would never trust me, so I started being unscrupulous on purpose, and that way, I felt in control of people's reactions.
On dispute resolution: I can't do anything about it, but I'd be happy to sympathize.
On moral relativism: I plan to have character one day, great character, but if you want to be rich, you better get the money before the scruples set in.
On answering questions: Quiet! Let me ignore you one at a time.
In this patriotic installment of the Fictional Speaker Series, we here at Brevity briefly considered inviting President Whitmore of Independence Day, but then we encountered two problems:
1. He gives one good speech. What else is there to quote?
2. Was that guy played by Bill Pullman or Bill Paxton?
There are things far more American than an alien invasion movie. Like baseball, Mom, or apple pie. Not wanting to go the Debbie Reynolds or Jason Biggs route, we got sporty. So, with baseball season in full swing, so to speak, Brevity presents this month's fictional speaker: Terence Mann of Field of Dreams.
Terence Mann on enforcing security measures: I'm going to beat you with a crowbar until you leave.
On retirement: I was the East Coast distributor of "involved." I ate it, drank it, and breathed it. Then they killed Martin, Bobby, and they elected Tricky Dick twice, and people like you must think I'm miserable because I'm not involved anymore. Well, I've got news for you. I spent all my misery years ago. I have no more pain for anything. I gave at the office.
On disgruntled employees: You're seeing a whole team of psychiatrists, aren't you?
On delegating authority: I want them to stop looking to me for answers, begging me to speak again, write again, be a leader. I want them to start thinking for themselves. I want my privacy.
On marketing nostalgia: How about this: "Peace, love, dope"? Now get the hell out of here!
On casual Fridays: There are rules here? No, there are no rules here.
On environmentalists: Out! Back to the sixties! Back! There's no place for you here in the future! Get back while you still can!
On personal liability: You see? That's the sort of crap people are always trying to lay on me. It's not my fault you wouldn't play catch with your father.
On giving people what they want: People will come, Ray. They'll come to Iowa for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up your driveway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at your door as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won't mind if you look around, you'll say. It's only $20 per person. They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and peace they lack. And they'll walk out to the bleachers; sit in shirtsleeves on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved seats somewhere along one of the baselines, where they sat when they were children and cheered their heroes. And they'll watch the game and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they'll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come, Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh, people will come, Ray. People will most definitely come.
For our Fictional Speaker Series, we here at Brevity are constantly on the lookout for adventurous professionals in the business world. People unafraid to rebel against conventional wisdom and undertake new and risky projects. So we're proud to present Tyler Durden of Fight Club.
A pair of warnings. First, Tyler's advice might sound riddled with conflict, almost as if it were delivered by two different people. Just go with it. Second, Tyler seemed to know the caterers we hired, so we decided not to serve any food.
On using the third person: People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.
On hiring: All right, if the applicant is young, tell him he's too young. Old, too old. Fat, too fat. If the applicant then waits for three days without food, shelter, or encouragement he may then enter and begin his training.
On open communication: I know this... because Tyler knows this.
On gender equality: We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.
On unilateral decisions: You had to give it to him: he had a plan. And it started to make sense, in a Tyler sort of way. No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.
On cheaper alternatives: Did you know if you mixed equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?
On role playing: Tyler's words coming out of my mouth. And I used to be such a nice guy.
On advertising: We're consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.
On self-scheduling: Tyler was a night person. While the rest of us were sleeping, he worked.
On possessions: The things you own end up owning you.
On risk management: A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now, should we initiate a recall? Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one.
On workplace prayer: You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, He hates you.
On tough negotiations: With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.
On mentorship: I'll bring us through this. As always. I'll carry you, kicking and screaming, and in the end you'll thank me.
On repeat business: Tyler sold his soap to department stores at $20 a bar. Lord knows what they charged. It was beautiful. We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them.
On pep talks: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.
On sweating the small stuff: Even a hummingbird couldn't catch Tyler at work.
On dispute resolution: I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
On working 80-hour weeks: By the end of the first month, I didn't miss TV.
On company mascots: Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
On travel fatigue: You wake up at SeaTac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O'Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, Mountain, Central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?
On the office washroom: Listen, you can run water over your hand and make it worse or -- look at me -- or you can use vinegar and neutralize the burn.
On certainties: On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
On vacation time: We just had a near-life experience, fellas.
On CEO corruption: I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.
On insider trading: F--- Martha Stewart. Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic. It's all going down, man.
On telecommuting: I have a better solution. You keep me on the payroll as an outside consultant and in exchange for my salary, my job will be never to tell people these things that I know. I don't even have to come into the office, I can do this job from home.
On preaching efficiency: I see all this potential, and I see squandering.
On avoiding bosses: I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then I ran some more.
On test groups: Like a monkey, ready to be shot into space. Space monkey! Ready to sacrifice himself for the greater good.
On convenience: Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon
Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight?
They're single-serving friends.
On Enron: It's not until you lose everything that you are free to do anything.
On personal life: I can't get married. I'm a thirty-year-old boy.
On workplace identity: You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet.
On Mondays: If I didn't say anything, people always assumed the worst.
On overtime: Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.
On maintaining focus: After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down.
On motivational speakers: Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat. It's not a damn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO!
On taking questions: I am Jack's cold sweat.And then, Tyler was gone.
We here at Brevity thought it might be timely to invite a fictional speaker who came onto the scene ten years ago this month, in the first Mission: Impossible movie. In these days of international uncertainty, he is a true enforcer of the law, if by "true enforcer" you mean "paper-pushing bureaucrat." We all can learn a lot about maintaining good business practices from this former director of the CIA. Please welcome Eugene Kittridge.
Eugene Kittridge on employer liability: As always, should you or any member of your IM force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow all knowledge of your actions.
On coffee preferences: I don't have to stress the importance of this matter. We're keeping it internally black.
On washing your hands: Don't think, be sure. Are you clean?
On skin care: Yes, the mole's deep inside.
On disgruntled employees: I can understand you're very upset.
On ill-advised dealmaking: You're determined to shake hands with the devil and I'm going to make sure you do it in hell.
On negotiation tactics: Let's not waste time chasing him. Make him come to us. Everybody's got pressure points. Find out something that's important to him personally and you squeeze.
On conference room overbooking: Do we have to evacuate?
On creative accounting: You and I know about this -- and that's where it stops. Understand? It never happened.
On arbitration clauses: Maybe we'll just keep the courts out of this one.
On chalkboard presentations: What do you need for a pinpoint?
On security leaks: I want him manning a radar tower in Alaska by the end of the day. Just mail him his clothes.
On Matt Lauer: He wanted us to know he was in London.
On physical evidence: This tape will self-destruct in five seconds.
We here at Brevity thought we'd bring in a real fool to celebrate April Fool's Day as the newest fictional speaker. After being informed that President Bush was not fictional, we decided upon Derek Zoolander. You know, from Zoolander. We didn't think we would get him, but he's taking a leave of absence from the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. Oh sure, he's perfect for Brevity.
Derek Zoolander on ambition: I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.
On knowing your limits: I'm not an ambi-turner.
On animal testing: Not yet. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.
On forecasting trends: You can read minds?
On office romance: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman."
On allocating day care space: What is this? A center for ants? How are we expected to teach the kids to read good... if they can't even fit inside the building?
On male colleagues: And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful, I think.
On workplace accidents: If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
On the executive washroom: Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.* * *
Truth be told, Derek Zoolander didn't have a lot of helpful advice. So we turned the microphone over to Hansel. He's so hot right now.
Hansel on role playing: Taste my pain, bitch!
On labels: I hear words like "handsomeness" and "incredibly chiseled features" and for me that's like a vanity that I don't buy into.
On the environment: I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut. I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree.
On brown-nosing: I friggin' worship you, man.
On facing your fears: So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip. And I'm just falling, terrified and then I think, "Hey, Hansel, haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days and couldn't some of this maybe be in your mind?"
On sales orders made online: They're IN the computer?
On inspirations: Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years... I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that.
On unorthodox ideas: You is talking loco and I like it!
On personal integrity: I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.
After delayed installments in January and February, it's time the fictional speaker series got back on track. We here at Brevity have been ignoring those readers who hail from
the competitive world of high finance, and come here for career advice. Feel forgotten
no more. Katharine Parker from Working Girl (pictured, right) is here to help.
Katharine Parker on job requirements: You're tough when it's warranted, accommodating when you can be, you're accurate, you're punctual, and you never make a promise you can't keep.
On professional entrances: Thank God I'm here!
On business attire: I consider us a team, and as such we have a uniform: simple, elegant, impeccable. "Dress shabbily, they notice the dress. Dress impeccably, they notice the woman." Coco Chanel.
On availability: I'm never on another line, I'm in a meeting.
On office politics: Never burn bridges. Today's junior prick, tomorrow's senior partner!
On using sports metaphors: I'd love to help you, but we can't busy the quarterback with passing out the Gatorade.
On professional ethics: I really don't think that's a variable.
On harassment: My apartment in one hour, and I won't take no for an answer. No, I won't take no for an answer.
On self starters: You don't get anywhere in this world by waiting for what you want to come to you. You make it happen.
On contract formalities: I say... pass me a set of papers and let's get on with it.
On cooperation: I welcome your ideas and I like to see hard work rewarded. It's a two-way street on my team.
On office supply thieves: Your stuff? Now there's a broad term.
On hiding evidence: This is business. Let's just bury the hatchet.
On personal assistants: I'll need help bathing and changing.
On promotions based on merit: We really don't have any more time for fairy tales.
On mergers: We're in the same city now. I've indicated that I'm receptive to an offer. I've cleared the month of June. And I am, after all, me.
On fielding audience questions: I'm sorry, but I simply won't stand for that kind of talk.
We here at Brevity felt that we would be doing our readers a disservice by not addressing Black History Month with the next fictional speaker. Unfortunately, Florence from The Jeffersons (or a list of her quotes) was unavailable, so we went with our second choice: Detective Alonzo Harris from Training Day.
It's a strange selection, but we were always impressed that Denzel Washington won his second Oscar for playing a villain, rather than a noble hero or wronged man. Sure, he's Denzel Washington, but there's something remarkably progressive about deeming this role Oscar-worthy. Generally, leading men don't win Oscars for playing murderers; in recent years, only Anthony Hopkins (as Hannibal Lecter) and Jeremy Irons (as Claus von Bulow) come to mind.Detective Alonzo Harris on introductions: Today's a training day. Show you around, give you a taste of the business. I got 38 cases pending trial, 63 in active investigations, another 250 on the log I can't clear. I supervise five officers. That's five different personalities. Five sets of problems. You can be number six if you act now. But I ain't holding no hands, okay? I ain't baby-sitting. You got today and today only to show me who and what you're made of.
On carpooling: You gotta see the streets. You gotta feel it. You gotta smell it, you gotta taste the streets. How's your Español?
On business school: Unlearn that bulls--- they teach you at the Academy. That s---'ll get you killed out here.
On sexual harassment: You move those hands again, I'll slap the taste out of your mouth. Put your hands over there. Right there.
On office monitoring: I know you ain't no snitch. Gimme a name.
On inflated resumes: Ooh, you lied to me, you lied to me. Lucky I don't make you eat that, dawg.
On cooperation: You're not making them feel like you're part of the team.
On modern cinema: King Kong ain't got s--- on me!
On office scandals: It's ugly, but it's necessary. Sometimes you gotta have a little dirt on you for anybody to trust you.
On professionalism: Why is he my friend? Because he knows my first name?
On ethics: Don't worry about it. You'll get a medal.
On surveillance: I got eyes everywhere.
On the secretarial pool: Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Look at that. Sexy, ain't it?
On job security: Yeah, I know you got secrets. Everybody got secrets.
On personal responsibility: You made the decision. Live with your decision. Ain't like I put a gun to your head.
On burying the competition: You got the picks and shovels?
On inside information: Yeah. I talked to the three wise men today. Everything's all good.
On overtime: Let's hurry up and do this so we can all go home and do the wife or the girlfriend thing.
On mediation: What's wrong with street justice?
On creative accounting: It's not what you know, it's what you can prove.
On volunteer work: Believe it or not, I do try to do some good in the community.
On break room conversation: This is a newspaper. It's 90 percent bulls---, but it's entertaining. That's why I read it, because it entertains me. You won't let me read it, so you entertain me with your bulls---. Tell me a story, right now.
On retirement: I ain't dead yet.
The first fictional speaker of 2006 was the source of much debate here at Brevity. Due to recent events, we were leaning toward James Frey, but then we'd be forced to read his "memoir" A Million Little Pieces, and abandon our strict no-Oprah-book policy. So we settled on Eric Cartman of South Park instead.
We here at Brevity realize that a fictional speaker is usually featured at the beginning of the each month, so we apologize to our readers. We could explain the long delay by saying that he was snowed in, but that would be a lie. Like a big, disastrous James Frey lie. The truth is that it took us this long to cut out all his foul language. Well, most of it. (Again, we apologize to our readers.)Eric Cartman on challenging an employee: I'm just saying you're a little wuss, that's all.
On company protestors: Hippies. They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.
On office aerobics: This is killing me. The human body was not meant to move quickly like that.
On the ADA: I used to think disabled people were here for my amusement.
On the training video: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
On role playing exercises: Well, I've been licking this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don't feel like a lesbian.
On modern cinema: Independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
On workplace insults: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus.
On advertising: I've learned something, too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor asses like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.
On body image: I'm not fat. I'm big-boned.
On cubicles: Poor people tend to live in clusters.
On forced retirement: Okay, old people need to be quiet now.
On annual banquets: So, am I to understand that there will be no side dishes tonight?
On compassionate leadership: Respect my authori-tay.
On flu season: Lay off the cough syrup, dude. I'm worried about you.
On harassment: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
On company softball: At this point in the movie, they usually get a really sweet player to help them win the championship.
On appreciating others: I love you guys... eh, screw you guys.
On the new cafeteria policy: I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet.
On the holidays: I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.
On setting an example: Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof.
On honesty: You just made a huge withdrawal at the First Bank of Lies.
On fringe benefits: Never underestimate the power of a free hat.
On office birthday parties: Gimme that cake.
On encouraging others: You guys are hella stupid.
On public relations: I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television.
On environmental responsibility: Dolphins, Eskimos, it's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.
On desk decorations: In hell, there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in them.
On office humor: OK, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.
We here at Brevity are enjoying the laziness that comes with holiday hours, and only half-apologize for the weeklong delay. We had a strong turnout for last month's fictional speaker, Jimmy James, and thought we shouldn't mess with a good thing. So we've invited another NBC sitcom character... one with breasts. This month's fictional speaker is Karen Walker from Will & Grace.
Karen Walker on pressure: Gosh, I don't think that I've ever been stressed out. Why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze and I've got a KILLER rack. Good morning.
On character dissection: Oh Lord, honey, you are just as simple as that blouse you're wearing.
On professionalism: Hey, this is a place of business! We are trying to get some work done in here and we don't need you just barging... wait, I'm saying it and I don't even buy it!
On office humor: By your inflection I can tell that you think what you're saying is funny, but... no.
On vulgarity: Watch your mouth, or I'll wash it out with cheap vodka.
On standing firm: If I gave in to every persuasive argument, I'd be in some crazy three-way marriage with Maury Povich and Connie Chung!
On casual Fridays: Who ever told you that you could pull off a leather jumpsuit?
On meeting rivals: Well, well, well. Look what the cat cleaned up, showered, exfoliated, powdered, lipsticked, Gucci'd and dragged in.
On personal responsibility: It's not something you can just run away from, like a hotel bill or a crying baby.
On charity: Let's take pictures of us eating all this food and then show it to some homeless person.
On working mothers: Oh, kids ruin everything. I mean, look at the stitching on this. You cannot trust a ten year old to do a good hidden button.
On regrets: Hey, hey, hey. Come on. I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything. You know, like "maternal" or "addiction."
On animal rights: You know, maybe there's an alligator running around with me as a handbag. I mean, who knows what they do with my old skin?
On volunteering: Oh honey, I would, but... I don't want to.
On cleanliness: Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?
On second thoughts: Oh, coulda shoulda prada!
On previous employment: It's the oldest story in the book. Boy meets girl. Boy wants girl to do dominatrix film. Girl says, "Naked?" Boy says, "Yeah." Girl says, "No way." Boy says, "Okay. How about you just wear this rubber dress and beat this old guy with a scrub brush?" Girl says, "How hard?"
On creative accounting: It's a victimless crime, like tax evasion or public indecency.
On workplace diversity: No one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutchpurse on Tony night. You fell outta the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down, landing on a gay guy... and ya did him. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space.
On empathy: You know what else is sad? Poor people who have dreams. Well, that's not sad as much as it is extremely funny.
On company slogans: Oh honey, that's just a saying, like "Ooh, that sounds like fun" or "I love you."
On brainstorming: My head is spinning. and not in a good way.
On sponsoring the arts: Honey, I don't produce theatre. I AM theatre.
On unions: It's a cult, like the Moonies, or the homeless.
On business alliances: Oh, honey. You're simple, you're shallow and you're a common whore. That's why we're soul mates.
On company spending: I'd give you a credit card, but I used my AmEx to hit a face I didn't like.
On personal differences: You say potato, I say vodka.
On community outreach: How the hell am I ever gonna get the stench of landfill and working class families out of tropical lightweight wool?
On office romances: I thought, "Finally! A man who can make a woman feel like a girl. And who can make that girl feel like a slut. And who can make that slut feel like a woman."
On therapy: My shrink? Honey, I just go to my shrink for refills.
On personal goals: You know, I had a dream once. To be rich and beautiful and have a great body. Oh look, my dream came true.
On arrogance: Well, don't let it get to your head. Your hair is already such a disaster that the Red Cross wouldn't give it coffee.
On power lunches: Honey, I just finished drinking breakfast. You've got to give the liver a little time to digest.
On workplace injuries: How did you hurt your back? Running away from good taste?
On spousal benefits: Well, howdy, domestic pardner.
On self-esteem: I've got a lifetime membership to the losers club. I've been dumped by one-ton billionaires, heads of state, and every member of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, but I'm not naming names.
On job descriptions: Honey, I often ask people on my staff to do different things. Cook sometimes cleans. Cleaner sometimes cooks. Driver sometimes provides an alibi.
On industry conventions: Gosh, I just love gambling here in Vegas. Sure, I may lose $100,000, but the drinks are free, so it evens out!
On the holidays: It's Christmas, for goodness' sake. Think about the baby Jesus: up in that tower, letting his hair down, so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there are six more weeks of winter.
We here at Brevity got an underwhelming turnout for past fictional speakers Hans Gruber and Vizzini. Maybe it was the fact that both are dead, and that public speaking by the deceased is kinda creepy. So we wondered how a living speaker would do. To instill good business judgment in our readers this month, we've summoned a real capitalist lion tamer, Jimmy James, who once ruled the waves of WNYX on the late great series NewsRadio.
On the rules of management:
#1-Measure twice, cut once.
#2-No shirt, no shoes, no service.
#3-Don't do today what you can put off 'til tomorrow.
#434-The boss is never wrong.
#435-When in doubt, see #434.
#437-It's hard to fly with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.
#597-Whoomp! There it is!
On public relations: You know I thank God everyday that we're not a TV station.
On regulations: I support fire safety. But you see those sprinklers up there? They're not hooked up to anything. I paid a guy off and had my nephew come in and super-glue them to the ceiling.
On fiscal responsibility: I cried because I had no desk, until I met a man with no feet, and the no feet guy told me there was this thing called a budget, and WNYX was way over it.
On tough solutions: If medicine tasted good, I'd be pouring cough syrup on my pancakes.
On flexibility: A good boss has to loosen up now and again. Case in point: me. I'm half loaded right now.
On advertising: Let me tell you something, little miss: advertising pays our bills, all right? Advertising pays your salary. Advertising is what made this country great. What was the Constitution of the United States? It is an advertisement... an advertisement for liberty. "When in the course of human events"... I'm telling you, that's up there with "Put a tiger in your tank" and "Where's the beef?" Don't you understand? I'm sorry, I've got to get some air. Hell, if it wasn't for advertising, you know what you two'd be doing, huh? You'd be giving out Sesame Street tote bags during PBS pledge breaks... except they wouldn't say Sesame Street on them. Nooo, they wouldn't say that. That would be ADVERTISING!
On neighbors: You poor misguided Canadian bastard.
On globalization: The original title of this book was Jimmy James, Capitalist Lion Tamer but I see now that it's Jimmy James, Macho Business Donkey Wrestler. You know what it is? I had the book translated into Japanese, then back again into English. "Macho Business Donkey Wrestler." Well, there you go... it's got kind of a ring to it, don't it? Anyway, I wanted to read from chapter 3, which is the story of my first rise to financial prominence. "I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street... many days no business come to my hut... my hut... but Jimmy has fear? A thousand times no! I never doubted myself for a minute for I knew that my monkey strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the opulence of buffalo... dung."
On being downsized: "Glorious sunset of my heart was fading. Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space. But Jimmy has fancy plans... and pants to match. The monkey clown horrible karate round and yummy like cute small baby chick would beat the donkey."
On legacy: They've done documentaries about all the heavy hitters: I'm talkin' about Ted Turner, Bill Gates, Rupert Murdoch, Bruce Wayne...
On inter-office relations: Don't dip you're pen in the company ink, that's what I say. Don't punch a clock with a time card in your pants.
On litigation: I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me today, you'd think I had tobacco leaking out of my breast implants.
On following orders: Whoa, I have an idea. Shredding the instructions for the shredder. Talk about your mindblowing irony...
On valued opinions: You want my advice? Well, I'm not gonna give it to ya.
On standards: Do I look like a man who would enjoy a game of Goofy-Ball?
On mob mentality: Take that mob of villagers that chased Frankenstein through the streets. Now, wouldn't it have been smarter for Frankenstein to pick up the torch and help the villagers hunt down some other freak?
On escapism: I haven`t read the comics since I realized Beetle Bailey was never actually gonna shoot somebody.
On personnel: Greetings, wage apes.
On past indiscretions: Oh, I've got skeletons running around eating leftovers from the fridge, but that doesn't mean you'll find anything.
On technology: Don't mess with a man with a Wayback Machine. I can make it so you were never born.
On dealmaking: I love the smell of a negotiating room in the morning.
On negotiating tactics: It's an old business ploy. You intimidate the guy you're dealing with by eating like a slob... I've cut millions off of deals by eating baked beans with my HANDS.
On confidentiality: I am a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce.
On the media: You got more paranoid fantasies than Stephen King on crack.
On thinking forward: Kidnapping: it's not just for kids... anymore.
On education: If I believed in fairy tales I never would have dropped out of kindergarten.
On personal style: I don't know if you've noticed this, but most of the stuff I do is weirder than hell.
As promised, I have invited a new fictional speaker this month to help motivate my readers with a unique understanding of the principles of business management. After all, why spend $50,000 for some hired gun on the lecture circuit when you can unearth words of wisdom for free?
Last month I gave you Hans Gruber. This month's speaker is no less dead, but is far more diminutive. Dear readers, I present Vizzini of The Princess Bride.
Vizzini on competitive bidding: I've hired you to help me start a war. It's an prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.
On the hiring process: You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass!
On the firing process: Finish him. Finish him, your way.
On problem solving: Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool -- you would have counted on it -- so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
On soundproofing the office: Then there will be no one to hear you scream.
On falsifying records: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable.On subtle negotiation tactics: The minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock!
On motivation: And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed... in Greenland?!?
On strategy: You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia," but only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian, when death is on the line!"
On ownership: You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen.
On strengths and weaknesses: I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
On corporate scandal: And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
On poetry: No more rhymes now, I mean it.
On OSHA reports: He didn't fall? Inconceivable!On role playing exercises: We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?
On classical education: Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons.
On a global economy: Australia is entirely peopled with criminals.
On brainstorming: Am I going mad, or did the word "think" escape your lips?
On leadership: Wait till I get going! Where was I?
On his virility: Inconceivable!
Advice comes cheap these days. You can get it from family, self-help books, guidance counselors, friends, the clergy, neighbors, and even television, our literal den mother. But why pay next to nothing when you can pay the big bucks to see a motivational speaker? There's Erin Brockovich, Tony Robbins, Zig Ziglar, Cheryl Miller, Bill Clinton, Pat Riley, and countless others. That market is saturated. Here at Brevity, I offer another approach.
Once a month I'll be bringing a fictional speaker to this blog to get their ideas on the things in life that matter to you, dear reader. Your September speaker is Hans Gruber of Die Hard. He's dead now, unfortunately, but his advice will live on.
Hans Gruber on business attire: Nice suit. John Phillips, London. I have two myself. Rumor has it that Arafat buys his there.
On priorities: Mr. Takagi, I could talk about industrialization and men's fashions all day, but I'm afraid work must intrude.
On teamwork: I am going to count to three. There will not be a four. Give me the code.
On corporate takeovers: Who said we were terrorists?On firing people: I wanted this to be professional. Efficient, adroit, cooperative, not a lot to ask. Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way, so he won't be joining us for the rest of his life.
On investing: When they touch down, we'll blow the roof. They'll spend a month sifting through the rubble, and by the time they figure out what went wrong, we'll be sitting on a beach, earning 20 percent.
On fancy footwork: Shoot the glass.
On career advancement: I am an exceptional thief, Mrs. McClane. And since I'm moving up to kidnapping, you should be more polite.
On problem solving: You ask for miracles, Theo. I give you the F.B.I.
On retirement: "When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer." The benefits of a classical education.