SPIDER-MAN, PUNISHER, SABRETOOTH: DESIGNER GENES - June 1993

Credits:  Terry Kavanagh (writer), Scott McDaniel (penciler), Keith Williams (inks), Joe Rosen (letters), Tom Smith (colors)

Summary:  Peter Parker discovers that numerous lab animals at ESU have been slaughtered by a mystery creature.  Nearby, the Punisher faces a group of arsonists called the Scorchers.  After the Scorchers are neutralized, a homeless woman shows Punisher the mutilated bodies of several of her friends.  Spider-Man and the Punisher’s investigations lead to an underground lab, where they discover Sabretooth.  They mistake Sabretooth for the killer until he reveals that he’s hunting a former Weapon X scientist named Phil Chambers.  Sabretooth leaves Spider-Man and the Punisher to fight amongst themselves and heads to Roxxon’s headquarters.  Spider-Man and the Punisher eventually follow and meet Roxxon executive Brandon Chambers, who has hired his brother Phil to conduct genetic research.  Phil, from his lab, unleashes his genetically modified creature to kill the heroes.  Brandon is shocked to discover the monster is their brother Mitchell, who Phil was allegedly treating for cancer.  With Brandon’s help, Mitchell is restrained.  Sabretooth kills Phil and escapes.  Later, Brandon tries to make amends by using his brother’s altered DNA to advance cancer research.

Continuity Notes:  Sabretooth remarks that “my claws only kill for money...and revenge.”  At this point, Marvel tends to portray Sabretooth as a mercenary rather than a serial killer.

I Love the ‘90s:  Phil Chambers tries to escape with his floppy disc archive of scientific research.  Also, the very concept of “designer jeans” seems unique to the ‘80s and early ‘90s.

“Huh?” Moment:  The Punisher escapes the Roxxon building when Microchip arrives in a helicopter.  The Punisher has his own helicopter…and chubby computer hacker Microchip knows how to pilot one?

Creative Differences:  An added line of dialogue has Spider-Man confirm that one of Roxxon’s guards is still alive after the Punisher forced another guard to shoot him with a laser rifle.

Production Note:  I hesitate to call this a bookshelf format one-shot, because an argument can be made that it’s a full-fledged graphic novel.  It’s not oversized like Marvel’s earlier graphic novels, but it is sixty-four pages of original material at the whopping price of $8.95.  (And that’s in 1993 dollars!)  The cover also has foil effects and raised lettering.

Review:  Do you think Peter David was kicking himself when Terry Kavanagh got to the pun “Designer Genes” first?  If only Peter David had written this one; the silly title probably would’ve remained, but I’m sure he could’ve done something with a Spider-Man/Punisher/Sabretooth team-up story.  Terry Kavanagh does pretty much what you expect Terry Kavanagh to do, which is fill pages with words but never really say anything.  To be fair, there is an effort to give one of the Chambers brothers a character arc, but at no point does Kavanagh actually make him sympathetic or believable.  Instead, Brandon’s redemption is just tossed in during the final pages to create the impression that this comic has more to it than mindless violence.  The story mainly consists of the three lead characters, most likely chosen for marketing reasons, having brief fight scenes with one another that are interrupted by quickie plot points, which lead to more running and fighting until the sixty-four pages are mercifully over.  While the dialogue isn’t as bad as some of Kavanagh’s later work, there are quite a few groaners in here.  The Punisher specifically is saddled with some hideous one-liners, like “He's a killer who needs being dead” and this egregious one: “Just get me to the hurt on time.”  Get me to the hurt on time.  Yeesh.

The back cover plays up the idea that the one-shot contrasts the idea of the hero, the anti-hero, and the villain, but that’s kind of a joke.  Sabretooth and the Punisher are essentially the same character in this story, with Spider-Man playing the part of the overwhelmed hero who accomplishes nothing by the end of the comic.  I will say that Kavanagh writes Spidey pretty well for most of the story, and I was relieved to see Spider-Man make some effort to apprehend the Punisher.  Stories where Spider-Man just accepts what the Punisher does aren’t true to the character, so I have to give Kavanagh some credit for trying to stay loyal to Spider-Man’s values.  However, not only does Spidey fail to apprehend the Punisher, he fails to do anything in this one-shot.  The Punisher escapes.  Sabretooth escapes and kills the main villain.  And the secondary villain gets a redemption arc that Spider-Man has zero participation in.  It’s almost as if Spider-Man’s only here to sell comics or something…

I’m not sure why someone thought that Scott McDaniel at this stage could handle a nine-dollar prestige format book, but he’s clearly out of his depth here.  While his interpretation of Spider-Man is remarkably consistent (and not a bad variation on Ron Lim’s portrayal at the time in Spider-Man Unlimited), the rest of this art looks like any other subpar Jim Lee impersonation from the era.  I’m assuming this was penciled before McDaniel began experimenting with his style on Daredevil; I wasn’t a huge fan of that run, but there was something stylized and cool about it.  Designer Genes just looks like any random Wildstorm comic from 1993, without the fancy computer colors.  This is pretty bad stuff all around.  In Marvel’s quest to reprint everything, I wonder if this is something they’re just going to overlook.

X-MAN #61 & #62, March-April 2000

 

Falling Forward

Credits:  Terry Kavanagh (writer), Mike Miller (penciler), Bud LaRosa (inker), Mike Thomas (colors), Comicraft’s Troy Peteri (letters)

Oh, no.  There really are two more issues of this run.  With a few months to kill, Terry Kavanagh has apparently decided to go high concept and just drop the reader into a story that has X-Man as the prisoner of a group of unnamed aliens.  Even though much of the issue is annoyingly vague, I have to acknowledge that this is more readable than the average issue of X-Man.  Mike Miller’s art is clean and attractive throughout the issue, and Kavanagh thankfully allows X-Man to be more than a brat this time.  Giving him amnesia, a haircut, and an entirely new environment helps.  The specific plot elements don’t add up to anything yet (the aliens apparently want slaves to dig holes for the sake of digging holes, X-Man’s telekinetic powers are now restricted to only direct physical contact, an alien baby is somehow important, a floating entity named Fuzz is helping him escape…), but as the opening chapter of the storyline, that’s forgivable.  

The Dark Side of the Sun

Credits:  Terry Kavanagh (writer), Ben Herrera (penciler), Bud LaRosa (inker), Mike Thomas (colors), Comicraft’s Troy Peteri (letters)

So, the baby rescued last issue turns out to be the sister of Urch, the alien that seems to control Fuzz and is helping X-Man escape.  (And Urch turns out to be a guh-guh-guh-girl.)  X-Man helps return the baby to Urch’s father, who is a thief kept in another chamber of the prison colony.  Eventually, Urch and X-Man make it to the surface, where X-Man realizes he’s on the Shi’ar homeworld.  This recalls issue #55, which had Shi’ar agents targeting X-Man because of his ties to the M’Kraan Crystal.  (X-Man’s connection to the M’Kraan Crystal goes all the way back to X-Men Omega, in case you’re wondering, although I don’t recall the specifics making a lot of sense.)  

Lilandra appears, eager to throw everyone back into the gulag, until X-Man uses his powers for more than just explosions and mentally shows her the pain the prison colony is inflicting on its inhabitants.  Lilandra has an abrupt change of heart, and X-Man and Urch are set free.  It’s possible the ending was meant to tie in with the “six months later” premise of the “Counter-X” revamp, as X-Man is sent on a tiny rocket ship home, a journey that just might take six months.  Of course, the opening of all of the “Counter-X” books assumed that a lot happened in the six month gap, so that makes X-Man’s time spent becoming a “mutant shaman” even more compressed if you think about just how long his ride home to Earth took.  Therefore, just assume he passed through one of those wormholes the Shi’ar are always using to get here quickly.

For connoisseurs of bad comics, Kavanagh’s final arc is a bit of a disappointment.  Yes, it does feature his trademark introduction of new characters that are poorly fleshed out (such as the mysterious Fuzz, and an alien ally that looks like Sleepwalker referred to as “a Darkle” that we’re supposed to believe will be important later), and there is some dubious plotting, like Lilandra instantly forgetting that X-Man is supposed to represent a severe threat to the entire universe.  Yet, the dialogue is actually tolerable, and the plot moves along at a steady pace.  Heck, even the basic premise of the arc isn’t so bad, and ultimately revealing the Shi’ar as the alien villains is a decent use of past continuity.  And, most surprising of all, X-Man remains a…well, not a good protagonist, but a noticeably-less-annoying one during the arc.  Where’s this guy been for the past five years?  A part of me wanted Kavanagh to go out with his wildest, sloppiest issues yet, but to his credit, he’s actually delivered two of the strongest issues of his run.

X-MAN #60 - February 2000

Out of the Loop
Credits:  Terry Kavanagh (writer), Ben Herrera (penciler), Scott Koblish and Rod Ramos (inkers), Matt Hicks (colors), Comicraft’s Jason Levine (letters)

Summary:  X-Man finds himself in an alternate world, one in which he never existed.  He sees foes he’s defeated, such as Morbius and the New Brotherhood, killing innocent civilians and various superheroes.  After using his telekinetic powers to save Kitty Pryde, X-Man realizes that he must be dreaming.  He wakes, and realizes that Caliban has been working for Apocalypse all along.  As X-Man is chained to a machine, Apocalypse gloats about his master plan.

Continuity Notes:  This story is concluded in X-Men #97.

“Huh?” Moment:  X-Man remarks that Scott and Jean aren’t with the X-Men in this world…one panel after we clearly see Jean fighting with the team.

Review:  Wow, is this really Terry Kavanagh’s last issue?  Where has the time gone, am I right?  I could’ve easily read four more years of this insightful, understated piece of classic heroic fiction.  C’mon, Marvel…why ditch the guy just when things were starting to warm up?

I considered compiling a list of every Terry Kavanagh storyline that was never resolved, or never made much sense in the first place, and all of the brave new directions that went nowhere, but why bother?  This stuff is awful.  Kavanagh never found a legitimate course to follow while writing this book for years, and to add insult to injury, his final issue is a half-hearted It’s A Wonderful Life reflection on all the good X-Man’s done over the years.  (Specifically, the issues Kavanagh has written.  I guess if Terry Kavanagh won’t pay tribute to Terry Kavanagh, no one else will.)  Goodness, without X-Man, Morbius would’ve turned Spider-Man into a vampire, the deadly Coldsnap-9 would’ve killed thousands of innocent people, and the X-Men would’ve been murdered by the New Brotherhood.  

In other words, X-Man is absolutely delusional.  And an egomaniac, since this is his dream.  What other superhero would have an extended dream sequence dedicated to how horrible life would be without his immaculate presence?  There’s not even a Clarence the Angel to guide him through this journey – this is simply how X-Man views himself in his dreams.  

What a way to say goodbye, Terry Kavanagh.  Reminding us just how unlikable you’ve made this brat over the years.

X-MAN #59 – January 2000

The Ties that Bond
Credits:  Terry Kavanagh (writer), Mike Miller (penciler), Bud LaRosa (inker), Mike Thomas (colors), Richard Starkings & Comicraft (letters)

Summary:  X-Man spars against the Fantastic Four, and later submits to Mr. Fantastic’s scan, which will enable him to trace energy from the Age of Apocalypse.  Later, while bonding with Franklin Richards, a premonition leads X-Man to cut his visit short.  As he leaves the FF’s headquarters, he’s ambushed by Caliban, who now serves Apocalypse as Pestilence.  Caliban grabs X-Man and teleports away.

I Love the '90s: The Human Torch is singing Ricky Martin’s “La Vida Loca” while sharing a shower with X-Man.  If you’re looking for subtext, just remember this was written back in 1999.

Review:  I half-suspect Terry Kavanagh wrote this as a try-out for Fantastic Four.  The book was open following Claremont’s return to the X-Men, and Kavanagh had to know that he wouldn’t be on X-Man after the Counter-X relaunch, so it’s not a completely ridiculous theory.  Can you imagine what a fifty-issue run of a Terry Kavanagh Fantastic Four would be like?  

As horrific a thought that may be, Kavanagh actually does demonstrate some affection for the characters this issue.  None of the characterizations are deep, but everyone’s broadly in-character, and Kavanagh knows enough to at least pay a lot of lip service to the idea of family.  X-Man spends most of his downtime with the FF eating ice cream with five-year-old Franklin Richards, a character that just might be his intellectual rival.  They talk about how scary that mean ol’ Onslaught was, and reflect on how awesome psi-armor is.  Actual line of dialogue at the issue’s end:  “But you promised *snff* t’teach me how t’make *snff* *snff* psi-armor…”  “Next time, buddy.  There will be a next time, I swear…”

Seeing the bond between the team makes X-Man long for companionship, but he’s determined to begin yet another new direction in his life.  Now, he’s decided to track down all of the other escapees from the Age of Apocalypse in order to prevent them from somehow spoiling this virgin Earth (it seems to me that he should specifically target Apocalypse if that’s his goal, but whatever).  As X-Man explains to Mr. Fantastic:  “Took some trouble in Seattle to remind me o’ that, though.  Again.  Found an old friend and a new enemy, all in the same place…without even looking, guess that’s when I finally realized it’s time – it’s really time now – to start running after things, instead of away.”  So Kavanagh has X-Man acknowledge twice in one little speech that his life has been aimless – oh, for about fifty-nine issues now – and it’s time to do something about it.  

Kavanagh starts off this brave new direction by wasting the first half of this issue on a training sequence with the FF that’s unconvincingly played as a real fight, followed by numerous pages of X-Man chatting with the team, and then he gets attacked by Caliban on the final page and teleported away to participate in a crossover.  Yes, I’m convinced all of this title’s problems are solved now.

X-MAN #58 - December 1999

The Heart of Darkness

Credits: Terry Kavanagh (writer), Mike Miller (penciler), Bud LaRosa (inker), Mike Thomas (colors), Comicraft (letters)

Summary: X-Man regains consciousness and rescues Threnody from an army of zombies. Taking her back to their old loft, X-Man learns that Threnody was almost killed by Madelyne Pryor, but revived by her powers when she was sent to the morgue. The dead are now attracted to her death energy and can no longer be controlled. After he saves her from another horde of zombies, Threnody reveals that she was only attracted to X-Man’s unique death energy and never truly loved him. She abandons him, then returns to her hiding place and cares for her baby.

Continuity Notes: A shadowy figure stalks X-Man throughout the issue, because this is X-Man and that’s what is supposed to happen every issue.

Review: Did Terry Kavanagh always intend to drag this Threnody mystery out over three-plus years, or did he know by this point that his time on X-Man was nearing its end? Regardless, this thing has stretched out over thirty-four issues, and it turns out Kavanagh still can’t bring himself to give us all of the answers. The issue opens with Threnody still pregnant, calling out to X-Man for help (even though the zombies surrounding her last issue weren’t bothering her at all). By the time he reaches her, she’s back to her normal unrealistic female comic book proportions. The story leads you to believe that maybe she’s absorbed too much “death energy” and is literally bloated from it at times, yet the issue ends with her returning home and picking up a baby. And, because this is Terry Kavanagh, we never actually see a baby, just the wrapped up blanket that may or may not contain a baby. This is what passes for a “big revelation” issue in X-Man. On the bright side…well…I guess Kavanagh actually tried to resolve something this issue, and Mike Miller’s zombies don’t look so bad. It’s X-Man, folks.

X-MAN #55-57, September-November 1999

Trouble on the Homefront

Credits: Terry Kavanagh (writer), Mike Miller (penciler), Elmer, Koblish, & LaRosa (inks), Mike Thomas (colors), Comicraft’s Jason Levine (letters)

That cover has no real relevance to this issue, but I’m glad the editors were willing to let Andrew Robinson just go nuts during his short stint as cover artist. It’s certainly more interesting than anything that happens in the story.

X-Man’s Alaska trip continues, as he “bonds” with Cyclops in a clumsily written fishing scene. Trying to incorporate Cyclops and Phoenix into the book sounds fine in theory, but in practice it just emphasizes how vacant their relationship is. A few years earlier, Cable’s issues with Cyclops and Phoenix created a few memorable emotional scenes, while no one has ever seemed to care that much about X-Man’s relationship with his genetic parents. And every time we see Phoenix, it’s just a reminder that X-Man has the hots for her clone, which is something we all need to forget.

The action in the story comes from Modt and Jahf, the Shi’ar guardians of the M’Kraan Crystal. They’re on Earth to investigate the mysterious emergence of a portion of the Age of Apocalypse reality, which you might recall as the unexplained plot from the previous two issues. They target X-Man since a portion of that energy still surrounds him. Modt and Jahf disguise themselves as a critically injured father and son in order to test how X-Man will use his powers, and even though he uses them responsibly, Jahf is incensed when X-Man is able to see through their ruse. They of course fight for a few pages, but the battle ends when Modt decides that X-Man should be left alone. I actually admire Kavanagh’s ability to occasionally pull enemies like this out of nowhere, and it’s about time X-Man’s vague connection to the M’Kraan Crystal surfaced again, but this fight scene just drags on and its resolution is lame. (Why didn’t Modt stop the fight at the beginning?)

Finally, after having his costume destroyed, Cyclops offers X-Man the outfit he wore during the Walt Simonson days of X-Factor. I like the design, I’m glad someone thought to revive it, but it doesn’t look right on X-Man. Maybe it simply looks wrong without the cowl and visor, but for whatever reason, this is not a good fit. Marvel must realize this, because the color scheme is soon changed to darker colors, which does make the outfit more tolerable. Anyway, X-Man says goodbye, proclaiming that he’s got “a new look, new connections, and maybe…a whole new lease on life…” Yes, it’s time for X-Man’s annual “bold new direction!”

Greyville

Credits: Terry Kavanagh (writer), Mike Miller (penciler), Bud LaRosa (inks), Mike Thomas (colors), Mark Bench (letters)

Oh, joy. It’s a “hero wakes up in fantasy world of his own making” storyline, this one set in the idyllic small town of Greyville. As tired as this premise is, I will say that Mike Miller’s art livens things up a bit. He apparently didn’t draw these issues as last minute fill-ins, which is normally how the X-office employed him, so we’re seeing a better representation of his skills. His renditions of Spider-Man and this arc’s “mystery foe” rival anything going on in the Spider-titles at the time.

Since X-Man doesn’t have much in the way of friends or a supporting cast, Kavanagh is forced to use Spider-Man, Threnody, Madelyne Pryor, Cable, and the AoA version of Forge to populate this “perfect world.” Hey, wasn’t that the title of an Amazing Spider-Man storyline from earlier in 1999? One that had Mysterio using his illusions on Spider-Man’s friends in an attempt to learn his secret ID? Hmm…anyway, the only segment of the story that doesn’t come across as filler is a brief scene that has a pregnant Threnody following X-Man’s trail. And Threnody, for some reason, now commands an army of zombies that rise from the sea, chanting her name. Yes, that makes perfect X-Man sense.

Behind the Curtain

Credits: Terry Kavanagh (writer), Mike Miller (penciler), Bud LaRosa (inks), Mike Thomas (colors), Comicraft’s Troy Peteri (letters)

X-Man targets the Purple Man as the creator of the Greytown illusion, but soon learns that this is another fantasy. Eventually, Mysterio makes his presence known, revealing that he spotted X-Man at a carnival a few days earlier and has been using his illusion powers ever since to manipulate X-Man into committing crimes (and search his fantasies for Spider-Man’s secret ID, which he still refuses to reveal). Since X-Man is one of the few telepaths who hasn’t regained his or her telepathy following “Psi-War,” Kavanagh’s actually using the current continuity to his advantage, because it’s highly implausible that the strongest telepath on Earth could’ve been duped by Mysterio under normal circumstances.

And in case anyone cares, Mysterio is exhibiting new mind-control and hypnosis powers that he claims have been lost to mankind for over a millennium. I’m assuming this was thrown in to justify how Mysterio survived his suicide in Daredevil a few months before appearing in Amazing Spider-Man, which had him dismissing his suicide as a prank. Don’t worry about it, guys. The Spider-office has a nonsensical miniseries in the works that will bravely answer none of those questions.

The story ends with X-Man trapping Mysterio in his own illusion, a signal that his telepathy has conveniently returned. The exertion knocks him out, however, leaving him prey to Threnody and her army of the walking dead. Considering this title’s track record, though, I wouldn’t be surprised if the next issue opened with X-Man leading the Avengers on an attack against the Badoon, or aiding Speedball in his deadly battle against Count Plaqula.

X-MAN #53 & #54, July-August 1999

In Cold Blood

Credits: Terry Kavanagh (plot), Luke Ross (penciler), Bud LaRosa (inker), Kevin Tinsley & Mike Thomas (colors), Comicraft (letters)

That’s a nice cover, even though Cyclops and Phoenix don’t wear those costumes in the issue. As far as we can tell, they’re wearing their ‘90s outfits underneath heavy hiking gear. Another oddity: Terry Kavanagh is only credited with “Plot” this issue, and his credit looks like it was pasted in after the others were written. (“Plot” appears inside a white box, lettered in a different font than the other credits.) If someone else scripted this issue, he or she doesn’t have a noticeable style, although this seems less verbose than the typical Kavanagh issue. Finally, if anyone wants to make any jokes unfavorably comparing Terry Kavanagh to Truman Capote, go right ahead. Now, on to the issue…

The story opens with X-Man having a nightmare about the Age of Apocalypse, something we’re now told is a common occurrence. When he awakens, we discover he’s hiking an Alaskan mountain with Cyclops and Phoenix. A dream led him here, and his biological parents are helping him out presumably because they live close by. On the mountaintop they discover a pile of dead bodies, bizarrely merged into the rocks, along with an army of Infinite soldiers from the Age of Apocalypse. One of the human rebels’ Atlantic Sea Walls has also merged into the mountain, and its “mutant nullification grid” is inhibiting the heroes’ powers. As they attempt to dismantle it, they’re trailed by the mysterious cyborg Hatchet-9.

Apparently, I’ve stumbled upon the random issue of X-Man that isn’t bad at all. These tend to be the opening chapters of arcs that ultimately disappoint, though, so who knows what’s coming next. If an X-Man series had to exist, this should’ve been the direction it followed. It’s stupid to ignore his connection to Cyclops and Phoenix and his origins in the incredibly popular Age of Apocalypse. The abrupt opening also works as a pleasant surprise, although it does mean that the fifteen or so ongoing storylines Kavanagh still needs to get back to are on the backburner once again.

A Little Piece of Home

Credits: Terry Kavanagh (writer), Luke Ross (penciler), Bud LaRosa (inker), Mark Bernardo (colors), Richard Starkings & Comicraft (letters)

Oh, never mind. This is terrible. Apparently the Atlantic Sea Wall from the previous issue is also housing an Infinite soldier cloning plant for Apocalypse, even though the Sea Walls are supposed to be the human rebels’ base (explaining the “mutant nullification grid” which is still a plot point this issue). Hatchet-9 makes his move against Phoenix, but Cyclops and X-Man arrive just in time for a rescue. She then returns the favor and helps them defeat the Infinite soldiers. And that’s essentially the extent of the drama in this issue.

Hatchet-9 is revealed as a human who joined Apocalypse’s cause by agreeing to become a cyborg, but I’m not sure how he’s supposed to be different from any of the Infinite soldiers, since they have the same origin. Outside of his unusual design, I have no idea why the creators felt he was worth using.

Because every X-Man story still needs a giant explosion, Kavanagh fulfills this issue’s quota by destroying the entire mountain after the Seawall implodes into itself. X-Man passes out, has a vision of the AoA Forge and Siryn, then wakes up in our reality. The baffling final panel is supposed to show X-Man and his parents standing on top of a mountain ledge, but inexplicably has them facing several miles of flat land. Luke Ross is a perfectly competent artist by this point, so I don’t know what happened here. Phoenix abruptly screams, “The ride’s not over yet!” for some reason, perhaps because they’re going to be hiking down that imaginary cliff, and that’s the story’s conclusion. Nothing resolved, no coherent hints at a future explanation. Typical X-Man.

X-MAN #51 & #52 - May & June 1999

Uninvited Guests

Credits: Terry Kavanagh (writer), Mel Rubi (penciler), Bud LaRosa (inker), Mike Thomas (colors), Comicraft’s Jason & Troy (letters)

Ignoring the previous issue’s cliffhanger, the story opens with X-Man and Madelyne spending a weekend in the giant New York apartment he used to squat in (why doesn’t this owner ever return?). Nate mentally checks on the book’s forgotten supporting cast members and decides they don’t need him anymore, which is perhaps the greatest act of mercy he’s committed in this series so far. Another vague subplot is introduced, as a mystery woman -- wearing giant skulls as accessories -- is furious that Nate’s returned to “our” home with “my murderer.” I assume this is Threnody, but Mel Rubi’s females are so generic she could just as easily be a doppelganger for Madelyne.

Unaware of the shadowy woman, Nate teleports back to Ireland with Madelyne, where we finally pick up where the previous issue left off. The new friends Nate’s made at the inn are under attack by Strikesquad: Gauntlet, who have finally made their move after countless teases by Kavanagh. What follows is a messy fight scene that consists of X-Man and Gauntlet apparently destroying the same building over and over again, interspersed with wretched dialogue that alternates between stiff faux-military jargon and embarrassing slang (“An’ the phat ladies ain’t sung yet!”).

Apparently, even the people working on this comic can’t follow what’s happening -- a lettering mistake confuses long-haired white guy Ness with bald black guy Scanlon. This is a tight, single-panel close-up that leaves Scanlon’s face and bald head very visible. Do we need more evidence that Marvel was paying no attention to this book? Anyway, the shocking revelation at the issue’s end is that Gauntlet is a “multi-national, pan-governmental agency.” Um, yeah…so? What else were we supposed to assume about them?

All Fall Down

Credits: Terry Kavanagh (writer), Luke Ross (penciler), Bud LaRosa (inker), Mike Thomas (colors), Comicraft’s Jason & Troy (letters)

Luke Ross thankfully returns as artist this issue, but the fight scenes remain a chaotic mess. It’s hard to decipher what exactly is happening, but apparently Scanlon is murdered by a rogue Gauntlet member named Vise, who’s working for a mysterious doctor that’s the true power within Gauntlet. The murder moves the loyal Fontaine over to X-Man’s side. They team up and destroy Gauntlet’s ship, which crashes to Earth and apparently kills Vise and Ness. Ness, up until that second, had wasted his time defending a hole in the ground he thought contained Madelyne. It turns out that she teleported away and didn’t bother to tell him, which apparently ties in with her plot to kill him from issue #50. When Maddie sneaks away, she’s apparently aged fifty years after overexerting herself in the battle.

Later, X-Man and Fontaine appear over the devastated city of Dublin. The innkeepers X-Man considered friends yell at him for destroying their city, which leads to him screaming in frustration and apparently (there’s that word again) killing himself and Fontaine in a flash of light. Finally, more idiocy, as Threnody emerges from the shadows of X-Man’s New York apartment. Since the previous issue, she’s changed outfits again, and is now six months pregnant. So, in summary, more nonsense.

WEB OF SPIDER-MAN SUPER SPECIAL #1 - October 1995

Planet of the Symbiotes Conclusion - Mortal Victory

Credits: David Michelinie (writer), Steve Lightle (artist), Bill Oakley & N.J.O (letters), Marianne Lightle & Malibu (colors)

The Plot: Spider-Man, Scarlet Spider, and Venom narrowly avoid a forty-foot tall Carnage and an army of alien symbiotes. They regroup at Peter’s home, much to MJ’s dismay. Venom develops a plan to overwhelm the symbiotes with psychic agony and force them into comas. While Venom harnesses his anguish at Our Lady of Sorrows, the two Spider-Men face Carnage again. During the battle, Carnage is knocked unconscious by an exploding gas truck, while the invading symbiotes suddenly disintegrate. Spider-Man realizes that Venom knew all along that his wave of mental sorrow would force the symbiotes into suicide. With MJ’s help, he decides the ends justified the means.

The Subplots: None.

Web of Continuity: Our Lady of Sorrows is the church where Eddie Brock contemplated suicide shortly before he joined with the alien symbiote and became Venom.

I Love the ‘90s: MJ sleeps in a Hootie & the Blowfish t-shirt.

Review: Wow, they wasted hired David Michelinie and Steve Lightle for this? I don’t think anyone considers “Planet of the Symbiotes” a classic, but to the editorial team’s credit, they did at least try to hire respectable creators for the project. This is the only chapter of this storyline I’ve ever read, so I imagine my enjoyment of the issue is hindered by coming in to the story so late. As a fan of David Michelinie’s early Venom stories, I can appreciate the significance of MJ meeting Venom face to face again, and his return to Our Lady of Sorrows, but the story’s so rushed and chaotic those scenes barely make an impact. As a kid, I always wondered if the alien symbiotes would get an origin story, or if we would ever see more of them arrive on Earth. This storyline covers all of that territory, but unfortunately it had to be published during a mega-event I viewed as utterly dumb and borderline insulting at the time, so I intentionally stayed away. Charging $3.95 a chapter for a five-part story also struck me as highway robbery anyway, so I didn’t mind missing out on this one. There were overpriced X-Men books I had to buy, anyway.

Cats and Robbers

Credits: Karl Kesel (writer), Patrick Zircher (penciler), Jeff Albrecht (inker), Jim Novak (letters), Tom Smith & Malibu (colors)

The Plot: Black Cat stakes out five-star restaurant Mikkal’s, anticipating a pair of thieves named Leather and Lace. While battling the duo, she notices Flash Thompson is on a date with a woman named Cinda inside. After defeating Leather and Lace, Black Cat asks Mikkal to return the favor and comp Flash’s meal.

Web of Continuity: Black Cat claims this is the first time she’s seen Flash since they broke up. She’s also using an unseen informant named Loop to tip her off to future crimes, enabling her to sell her services for “protection.” I had never heard of Loop, but apparently he's appeared a few times.

Review: Wow, they wasted hired Karl Kesel and Patrick Zircher for this? That’s certainly a higher level of quality than your average Web annual back-up. The premise of the story simply has Black Cat fighting two characters that somehow predate Jim Balent’s Tarot work, but it’s a fun read. The ending is also sweet, showing a side of Black Cat’s personality that most writers would probably ignore. One of the better Flash/Felicia stories, even if it does take place after their break-up.

Growing Pains Part Five - Where Monsters Dwell

Credits: Terry Kavanagh (writer), Roger Robinson (penciler), Saleem Crawford (inker), Loretta Krol (letterer), Chia-Chi Wang (colorist)

The Plot: Ben Reilly encounters the newly mutated Lizard at Empire State Hospital, Ben’s new employer. The Lizard escapes, leading the Scarlet Spider to seek the aid of a new hero, Strongarm. Together, they track Lizard to a nearby zoo. Scarlet Spider defeats the Lizard by freezing him with fire extinguishers and trapping him in his webbing. Later, Strongarm visits a friend in the hospital who was injured by the Lizard.

The Subplots: Ben is trying to win over a coworker, Rick Barron, who seems to irrationally hate him. Rick’s girlfriend, Toni Moore, walks in on Ben in the hospital’s locker room.

*See _________ For Details: Ben knows that he’s the “real” Peter Parker, following the revelations of Spectacular Spider-Man #226. The Lizard previously attacked “Doc Purl’s party” in Spectacular Spider-Man Super Special #1.

Creative Differences: Once again from the Life of Reilly, Glenn Greenberg on this project:

Now, I would be remiss if I didn't discuss the "flip-book feature" in these five Super Specials-namely the SCARLET SPIDER five-parter that Tom Brevoort and I edited. Stretching across all five Super Specials, this would essentially be a Scarlet Spider limited series, which I thought was a pretty cool idea. Tom B. and I really did want to make it special, to produce a worthwhile story that further explored Ben Reilly as a character and deserved all the space that was being devoted to it. It was the kind of project that J.M. DeMatteis would have been perfect for, but I don't remember why we didn't get him to write it. He was probably too busy, or Tom B. and I simply wanted to use this project as an opportunity to bring in a different writer, one that we'd always wanted to work with.

Again, Danny Fingeroth was overseeing us on this, and somehow, for some reason, he got it into his head that we would be bringing back the Lizard for this story. Tom B. and I were present at the Spider-Man writers' conference where the idea had been mentioned in passing as a possibility, but we'd never committed to it as anything other than a possibility. And as I recall, neither Tom B. nor I had any real enthusiasm for the idea, so it wasn't something we were going to actively pursue.

Tom B. and I brought in John Ostrander, a writer who had greatly impressed me with his work on DC's SPECTRE series. The initial idea that John pitched us was very intriguing, about whether or not a clone could have a soul. Unfortunately, it conflicted with future plans in the main Spider-Man books. I think John took another stab or two at coming up with a story line, but for whatever reasons, we couldn't get his ideas approved, and John eventually decided to just move on. Not only that, but every time any new story idea came in, be it from Ostrander or another writer, Danny would ask, "Where's the Lizard?" Tom and I would roll our eyes and try to muddle through.

Eventually, it became clear that Danny would simply not approve any story idea that did not include the Lizard, and he had already started to push his own choice writers upon us. With time-and our patience-running out, Tom and I simply submitted to Danny's will and did whatever he wanted. Terry Kavanagh ended up writing the story, which featured the return of the Lizard.

This was one of the few instances where Tom Brevoort and I felt completely disconnected-creatively and emotionally-from a project we were working on. It became a project we had to endure, rather than something that we could really take any pride in having put together. Some time later, this Lizard story was systematically undone in the pages of SPECTACULAR SPIDER-MAN, and no one was more pleased by this than Tom B. and myself.

Review: Wow, they wasted hired Terry Kavanagh and Roger Robinson for this? No, wait. That sounds about right. Yes, this is as bad as you expect. The Lizard has been mutated into a Jurassic Park reject, yet another Kooky Kavanagh Kreation is shoehorned into the story, and the art resembles something straight out of 1995’s Extreme Studios. I also have to wonder how exactly Ben’s found a job and cultivated a new supporting cast in such a short amount of time. I know about Ben’s career at the Daily Grind, but I had no idea there was a previous attempt to set him up as a staff assistant in a hospital. Regardless, Kavanagh doesn’t seem to have any new ideas for the personal drama, either. Did anyone really think giving Peter Ben yet another redheaded bully who hates him for no reason was clever? There’s even an appearance by a new Blonde Girl Who's out of His League, this one named Toni Moore. Man, I can’t wait to read about the orderly with the rich father and bizarre hairstyle who asks Ben to become his new roommate.

WEB OF SPIDER-MAN #125 - June 1995

Lives Unlived

Credits: Terry Kavanagh (writer), Steven Butler (breakdowns), Randy Emberlin (finishes), Steve Dutro & Janice Chiang (letterers), Kevin Tinsley (colorist)

The Plot: Spider-Man investigates the Daily Bugle morgue for information on Miles Warren. He tracks him to a suburban New Jersey town, unaware that the new Green Goblin has followed him. Spider-Man enters Warren’s home and is shocked to discover he’s married to Gwen Stacy’s original clone. Warren knocks Spider-Man unconscious and escapes with Gwen. Spider-Man recovers and follows their car. When Warren sees Spider-Man in the rearview mirror, he irrationally drives off the George Washington Bridge. Spider-Man, with Green Goblin’s help, rescues Gwen, but Warren dies in the accident. His body degenerates, confirming that he’s another clone.

The Subplots: Ben Reilly, who’s taken Peter’s place in jail, reflects on recent events. Meanwhile, MJ asks Black Cat to find Peter, who hasn’t told her about his trip to New Jersey.

Web of Continuity: The new Green Goblin’s full identity isn’t revealed, but we do learn he’s Ben Urich’s nephew. The climax at the George Washington Bridge is an obvious callback to Amazing Spider-Man #122; however, the bridge in Gwen’s famous death scene is supposed to be the Brooklyn Bridge. It was misidentified in the original story, but corrected in subsequent reprints. (Original dialogue from Amazing #122 was even altered to remove any references to the G. W. Bridge.)

*See _________ For Details: Ben took Peter’s place in prison in Spectacular Spider-Man #224. Black Cat visited Ben in prison, thinking he was Peter, in Spider-Man Unlimited #9. Spectacular Spider-Man annual #8 had a “super being named Dreamweaver” convince Gwen’s clone that she was a woman named Joyce Delany who had been infected with a virus that caused her DNA to imitate Gwen’s. She now believes Dreamweaver was committing an “act of mercy” to disguise the real truth.

Forever Young: Peter wonders if he would’ve settled down in suburbia by now if he had married Gwen instead of MJ.

Creative Differences: Two added thought balloons cast doubt that Peter can trust Miles Warren’s notes, opening up yet another door for even more retcons (although I believe this Gwen’s status as the original clone remains unchanged.) Almost the entire final panel of the story is completely re-lettered. Aside from misspelling Gwen’s last name, the captions emphasize that Gwen now realizes she is a clone and must deal with the truth.

“Huh?” Moments: The Daily Bugle ran a story on Miles Warren, who’s publicly known as dead, marrying Gwen Stacy, who’s also publicly known as dead, at some point in the past and no one, not even Peter Parker, noticed. Later, Warren comments that he and Gwen have changed their identities over the years, but that contradicts the very first scene of the comic. Peter finds their home by searching for Miles Warren’s name in the Bugle’s files.

Gimmicks: This issue is forty-eight pages, printed on slick paper, with a special “holodisk” cover. The cover price is an appalling $3.95. Editor Glenn Greenberg on the holodisks, as quoted on the Life of Reilly: “The holodisks were yet another in a long line of gimmick covers that were all the rage back then. We had just done a gimmick cover for AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #400 that did not turn out very well, and these holodisks were not much of an improvement. They looked GREAT in the prototype stage, but when we got the final versions, it was clear that you needed to view them under a light that was about as powerful as the sun to really get the full effect of the 3-D live action. Strike two!”
Someone must’ve realized that the cover gimmick had problems, since this issue’s hype page encourages fans to ask their retailers about the Spider-Man penlights that have been manufactured especially for these covers.

Review: I remember shopping at a local bookstore’s going out of business sale when I was fourteen. I swear to you, they had a comic book rack stuffed full of unsold copies of Web of Spider-Man #125. Now, this is a bad comic, but was it bad enough to kill a small business? Reasonable people would say no, but sometimes I wonder (not really) if this overpriced collection of dead trees and its lumpy, blurry hologram were the breaking point for the struggling storefront.

One of the many reasons why the clone saga wasn’t exactly the best idea in the world goes back to Gerry Conway’s late ‘80s run on Spectacular Spider-Man. Conway was apparently never happy with his work on the original clone storyline and used his return to Spider-Man to smooth over some of the more absurd points of the story. Conway dismissed the idea of instantaneous cloning, revealing instead that the original “clones” from the ‘70s storyline were actually full-grown adults who had been injected with a genetic virus. A virus that happened to morph their DNA into a copy of someone else’s. Spider-Man’s clone was actually another ESU student named Anthony Serba, for example. Still implausible, but in terms of comic book science, it’s perfectly reasonable.

A few members of the ‘90s creative team realized that Conway’s retcons needed to be addressed if they were serious about reintroducing Miles Warren’s cloning process. Apparently, this issue was supposed to address the problem. Clearly, it does not. Kavanagh’s dismissal of Conway’s retcons is to reveal, over the course of two panels, that Dreamweaver (a minor character from the “Evolutionary Wars” crossover) just made up the lie and sold it to Gwen…to be nice, apparently. This is not how you retcon a retcon. I believe Howard Mackie was given another pass at addressing Conway’s later stories, and fared about as well. Finally, Glenn Herdling, assistant editor of the Spider-titles when Conway’s retcons were initially published, penned a Spider-Man Unlimited story that resolved the problem. Why exactly was it so hard to resolve this? Beats me. Why is this storyline still dragging on, anyway?

Now, if Marvel really wanted to revive the original clone, Conway’s Spectacular Spider-Man run wasn't that much of a hindrance in the first place. Why is it so important that the “clone” who apparently died back in the ‘70s actually be a clone? Couldn’t the story work just as well if Ben Reilly was a “genetic duplicate” instead of a clone? Wouldn’t it add another layer to his characterization if he had another life before coming into contact with Miles Warren and Spider-Man?

Anyway, there’s more to this comic than sloppy continuity. It’s the touching love story of the clone of a pervy college professor obsessed with his teenage student, and the clone of said student who decides to marry the professor’s clone when she realizes she has no life of her own. Okay, maybe Peter Milligan could do something with this…but, yeah, we don’t have Milligan. Kavanagh handles the story about as well as you would expect, right down to the cliché “Gwen falls from the bridge” scene. The debut of a new, heroic Green Goblin during the scene is an ironic twist, I suppose, but even that’s too obvious to work. Of course that’s how they introduced the hero Green Goblin.

Shining Armor

Credits: Terry Kavanagh (plot), Mike Lackey (script), Tod Smith (breakdowns), Jimmy Palmiotti (finishes), Loretta Krol (letterer), Nel Yomtov (colorist)

The Plot: In the past, Miles Warren’s clone comforts Gwen Stacy’s clone. They grow close and marry.

Review: This brief backup just spells out the details hinted at in the main story, only now with uglier art. Hooking Miles Warren and Gwen Stacy up could be a disturbing, creepy idea if executed properly, but there’s no chance of that here. Apparently, no one cared enough about this backup to notice that a narrative caption describes Gwen’s eyes as green when they’re clearly colored blue in the same panel. That’s the level of quality we’re dealing with.

WEB OF SPIDER-MAN #124 - May 1995

The Mark of Kaine Part One - Walls

Credits: Terry Kavanagh (writer), Steven Butler (breakdowns), Randy Emberlin (finishes), Steve Dutro (letterer), Kevin Tinsley (colorist)

The Plot: Peter Parker is placed on trial for murder, while Ben Reilly and his friend Dr. Seward Trainer look after an expecting Mary Jane. When an inmate accidentally starts a fire with a cigarette, Peter pulls open his cell bars and performs CPR on the dying prisoner. He narrowly returns to his cell before the firefighters arrive.

The Subplots: Jonah Jameson is secretly paying for Peter’s high-profile lawyer, and attempting to bury the story in the Daily Bugle. The third Peter Parker returns to Aunt May’s home, distraught over her death. Stunner is convinced that Peter is innocent. She turns to Detective Jacob Raven for help, certain that the true killer also killed Doctor Octopus. Kaine, still convinced that MJ is destined to die soon, drags her into the sewers to warn her. She runs away and crashes into the third Peter Parker on the street.

Web of Continuity: Aunt May passed away in Amazing Spider-Man #400…or so we naively thought. A few years later, the perfectly logical explanation that she had been replaced by a dying, genetically-altered actress is given. Norman Osborn, who of course has been secretly alive since Amazing Spider-Man #122, arranged the deception and kept the real Aunt May prisoner in a secluded hunting lodge in upstate New York.

*See _________ For Details: Ben Reilly convinced Peter and MJ to trust his friend Dr. Seward Trainer in Spider-Man #57.

Review: I’m not sure if even hardcore Clone Saga fans like the trial of Peter Parker storyline. Aside from slowing down the overall story arc, it’s based on the premise that mimicking the OJ trial with Peter Parker as a stand-in is somehow a good idea. Wasn’t everyone absolutely sick of OJ by this point? Did we really want to be reminded of the never-ending trial while purchasing the latest ill-conceived Spider-crossover? I realize the creators had to stretch things out during this period, but I can’t believe this is the best they could generate.

Mercifully, Terry Kavanagh doesn’t seem too interested in the trial, either (or perhaps he’s been told to buy time and delay the actual start of the trial for a future chapter). So, we get a healthy dose of subplots, leading in to new storylines that of course aren’t resolved in this title. Ben and Dr. Trainer, who bizarrely dresses like an X-Man circa 1991, check on MJ’s baby, which turns out to be yet another hard sell for Ben, allowing him to take care of Peter’s fatherly duties while he’s in jail. MJ’s pregnancy is more of an excuse to write her and Peter out of the book than a story in its own right, so I consider that another strike against the idea. I do like Jonah Jameson’s scenes, which have him exhibiting his often-hidden paternal feelings for Peter. The Stunner/Detective Raven subplot sets up the resolution to the murder mystery, which is so obvious anyone should be able to guess, yet it somehow manages to be several chapters away. Kaine’s story is essentially a lie, since apparently no one at the time honestly planned on killing MJ (I seem to recall the resolution to his “vision” is particularly bad). And…what else? Oh, yes. The third Peter Parker. Another idea that’s a needless time-killer, and a gratuitous way to screw with the readers. So, this is by and large a sorry lot, even if we are spared the courtroom scenes.