Let's Bonk This Thing, And Go Home

*Previously, Calvin and Adorable Baby Panda captured Shadow Thief without meaning to, and some nice cops gave them a lift to where Satana was. Also, Deadpool blew up Hawkman with a grenade, and there was much rejoicing.*

*ABP and Calvin move down a street in St. Roch's financial district. Ahead, they see Satana, accompanied by 4 of her experiments: a tiger, a moose, a snake, and a panda. They're standing outside a bank arguing with a middle-aged gent in an opera cape and a monocle. As they approach, our intrepid heroes slip into a nearby shadowy alley.*

Calvin: {I'm guessing that would be the Monocle they were talking about over the police band?}

ABP: I guess so. He has a monocle.

Calvin: {Yeah, it's very classy. Makes me wish I had one. So what do we do? Capturing her was gonna be hard enough with her victims there, another super-villain only makes it worse.}

ABP: You have a sword, that should help.

Calvin: {When have I ever demonstrated I could use a sword?}

ABP: Then why did you bring it?

Calvin: {It made me feel more secure than the stick.}

ABP: Maybe if you look like you know how to use it, we can scare them.

Calvin: {Or maybe our problems will take care of themselves. Look!}

Satana: All I'm saying is, stop blowing up the *expletive deleted* banks, until after I can rob them! I need that money!

The Monocle: *smirking faintly* Oh, come now, my dear. Surely a decent pair of pants can't cost that much? Perhaps you could afford them if you bought less gaudy earrings?

Satana: {Multiple expletives deleted} Kill this {expletive deleted}!

*The hench-animals rush forward, only to be blinded by a flash of light from the monocle of their target*

The Monocle: I really have no interest in killing you or your pets, so perhaps you could simply adjourn for the evening?

*Just then, Deadpool runs up*

Deadpool: [Hey, I found the bad girl we were looking for! Now where are Calvin and the Fuzzball? There they are, hiding in those shadows! Hey guys, come out here, I found the Dr. Moreau wannabe we were looking for! Let's hurry and beat her up, 'cause I might still be able to pick up that fine lady from the coffee place!]

*Calvin and ABP both facepalm, as Satana and the Monocle whirl to look at them.*

Satana: What are you, some low rent neighborhood watch? {Expletive}, kill all these freaks! *The hench-animals split up and each attack a different target*

Calvin: {She's blue, and commanding animals with human brains inside, and we're the freaks? She needs to lay off the peyote, eh ABP? ABP? Oh, crap, Tiger Man! Run away!}

*ABP is already charging towards Satana, though her Panda Man moves to bar the way. Calvin is running from the Tiger Man. The Monocle, clearly bored with the whole thing, simply incinerates the advancing Snake Man with a beam from the Moncole. Deadpool is launched through the window of a thus far untouched bank by the Moose Man.*

Deadpool: [Why am I playing the Jorge Lugo to everyone else's Charles Barkley today?]

Monocle: *from the sidewalk* Pardon me, aren't you the boisterous fellow who was fighting Hawkman earlier this evening?

Deadpool: [You mean Conan the Barbarian with bird wings? yeah, I fought him. Did you know he's crazier than a bag of hammers? *seems to argue with himself* It does too make sense! *to the Monocle* Yeah, I blew him up good. Remember kids, hand grenades aren't toys, but they are fun!]

The Monocle: It seems proper, considering how much he enjoyed violence.

Deadpool: [*now very animated, excitedly relating story* Well, I also cut off his wings, smashed his face into the ground, and made him start crying for his girlfriend!]

The Monocle: Really? I wish I had been there to see that. He always mocks his opponents if they start crying after he stabs them, you know. Would you like any help with this fellow? *nods towards Moose Man, who has stood there confused through the conversation*

Deadpool: [*adroitly hops back through window onto sidewalk* Nah, I've got it in hand. Have fun destroying the lives of people unrelated to the horrible misfortunes you've endured! *waves eagerly*]

The Monocle: Uh, thank you. *Thus exits The Monocle*

Deadpool: [Now why would she put a human brain in a moose? *dodges charge, moose slams into wall* It doesn't have hands to carry stuff. *dodges mule kick attempt by leaping onto moose's back* Maybe she has lots of hats? *leaps off moose's back, grabs antlers as he descends, give neck sharp twist, kills Moose Man*]

*Meanwhile, Calvin is still running*

Calvin: {Running from a Tiger Man, while great exercise, is not productive. What would Kamandi do? Seriously, someone who has read Kamandi tell me what he'd do. Ah hell, lets try this.}

*Calvin hops on top of a fire hydrant, narrowly avoiding sweeping claws, then leaps sideways towards a lamp post, which he grabs on to, and swings around on, so that as Tiger Man turns to face him, it gets a face full of Calvin's size 14s. The Tiger Man falls backwards, and whacks its head on the hydrant. The impressiveness of Calvin's move is marred by the fact he can't stick the landing, falling on his rear end instead. before the Tiger Man can regain its senses, Calvin's strikes it in the face with the pommel of his sword.*

Calvin: {Hey, I won a fight. Go me!}

ABP: Great! Look, I caught Satana and stopped the poor panda she hurt.

Calvin: {Wow, way to make me look like a bum. You're just Grant Morrison's Batman in a Piglet sized package, aren't ya?}

ABP: Sorry. Hey, at least you didn't hurt yours too much. Now her victims can get help, since we caught them alive.

Deadpool: [Wait, we're not killing them? Oops.]

Calvin: {Yeah, and I think the Monocle killed that Snake Guy, judging by the huge pile of ash over there.}

ABP: Well, at least we caught these two, and they can get help.

*A squad car pulls up. Jerry and Claire, the officers from Part 2, get out.*

Jerry: Hey, they caught Satana.

Claire: Yeah, but it looks like the Monocle got away.

Jerry: Cut 'em some slack Claire. Catching one bad guy is pretty good for a couple of rookies.

Deadpool: [No problem citizens. Fighting the forces of evil to protect a world that hates and fears us is old hat for us X-Men!]

Claire: Say, doesn't he match the description of the crazy guy that fought Hawkman?

Deadpool: [I'm the crazy one? Have you listened to that bird guy lately?]

Jerry: We try to ignore him. You're right, he does. *Turns to ABP and Calvin* You two said you didn't know him.

Deadpool: [You said you didn't know me? Is it amnesia, caused by constant regeneration of your brains? Wait, only I have that!]

Calvin: {Wade, it really wasn't the time to admit that to them. They were being helpful, and you were fighting the city's costumed protector.}

ABP: See, I told you lying to the cops was bad! Told you so, told you so!

Claire: I told you those two weren't real heroes. I mean, "Ordinary Guy"?

Jerry: I thought he was being modest!

Claire: They beat Shadow Thief with a camera and a stick!

Jerry: So you can't fight crime on a budget?

Calvin: {Yeah, haven't you ever seen Blankman?}

Deadpool: [Nobody saw Blankman.]

Calvin: {Oh, right.}

Claire: You'll all have to come with us and answer some questions.

Calvin: {I thought cops in the DC Universe were more understanding.}

ABP: Not when you lie to them!

Calvin: {You're never gonna stop lording that over me, are you? And just how are you planning to deal with Satana? I don't see the cops letting us stroll off with her.}

ABP: Yeah, it's too bad. I thought hitting her over the head until she admitted she was screwed up would really help. Then we could talk about feelings.

Calvin: {Well, I think the amount of time we can plausibly converse before the cops starts actively trying to take us in is long over, so do what you're going to do so we can flee.}

ABP: All right. *Turns to Satana* So you'll remember to shape up, I'm giving you an Extra Special, What The Heck Are You Thinking Tony Stark, You Are In So Much Trouble, Bonk Of Extreme Displeasure! *Unleashes that thing I just wrote out above on Satana. She's hit hard enough that the little birdies and pandas she sees are visible to everyone else.*

Jerry: Holy crap! She made little birds and pandas with her mind! If we're not careful, she might use her new powers to force us to start doing the Monkey! *starts doin' the Monkey*

Claire: *Raps him gently on the head with her nightstick* You're just looking for an excuse to do the Monkey, and I keep telling you there is no excuse. Say, where'd they go?

*Our trio has quickly run around the corner, only to crash into a large drunk. A very large drunk. In a monk's robe, with bright pink skin, red eyes, huge teeth, and four arms. Three of the arms carry various liquors. The fourth carries a very large sword.*

Our Trio: Oh crap.

Large Drunk: hic *Sways* Hrai, I crave vengeance! *Leans heavily against the building*

Deadpool: [Hawkman really can still reincarnate! Geoff Johns' continuity magic must be too strong for Starlin's!]

Large Drunk: Where ish GrimJack? Zago, Blood, urp, Red God of Deatsh, has returned, and belch, seeks vengeance! *Smashes one bottle against building, throws up* Mortals, shpeak, and Zago will kill thee swiftly! *Drops sword; doesn't notice*

Calvin: *Looks around desperately, notices Hawkman flying towards them, looking really pissed off. So, a normal Hawkman look.* {There he is, trying to disguise himself as a winged barbarian!}

Zago: *Looks up, clutches head and groans, stares at Hawkman doubtfully* You are sure?

Calvin: {Absolutely. Look, he's even got a sword, so he's no doubt planning to cut off your arms and stab you, just like he did last time!}

Zago: *Pulls himself up straight* Nay, the weakling will be made to learn the glory that is Zago this time. *Lumbers past our heroes, still without his sword, towards the Hawkman, who's coming in swiftly at a shallow angle. As Hawkman readies his sword, Zago falls over, and Hawkman slams into the building. Clearly, he's still shaking off the grenade.*

Calvin: {And now I suggest we resume running.}

*And they did, all the way back home. The end.*

Things Would Be Going Off-Script, If I Had One

*Last time, Calvin, Adorable Baby Panda, and Deadpool traveled to St. Roch to find a conveniently escaped Satana and hand out some justice. Their attempts to keep a low profile were ruined by Deadpool's love of shooting, expository dialogue, and attractive middle-aged women. Now he's busy fighting Hawkman while our other intrepid protagonists continue their search for their quarry.*

Calvin: *running, with ABP on his shoulder* {I told you there was no point to looking for her in cemeteries. 'She needs live people for her experiments', I said. 'Maybe we should try the zoo, or the Bowery district,' I said. Did you listen? Noooo. You were just sure you sensed her this way, and now we're running from a living shadow!}

Shadow Thief: I'm sorry to interrupt your berating of your little pet, but I can't allow any witnesses to my graverobbing of wealthy plantation families' mausoleums!

Calvin: {Sir, we really don't care what you're up to!}

ABP: What are you saying? He's a bad guy, and we have to stop him! And who is he calling "pet"?

Calvin: *grits teeth, reaches into one of his half-dozen coat pocket* {Fine, here, see if the flash on my camera will do something to him.}

ABP: You brought a camera?

Calvin: {I thought we'd take pictures after we finished. Commemorate the triumph.}

*Adorable Baby Panda triggers the flash, and Shadow Thief is momentarily blinded, and shifts out of his 2-D form. So ABP takes the opportunity to throw the camera at him, breaking his nose. Shadow Thief howls, and clutches his nose. The camera ricochets away and smashes into a tombstone.*

Calvin: *screeches to a stop* {My camera! Oh, if you wanted to hit him with something, you could have said so!} *grabs branch from nearby tree, hits still dazed Shadow Thief repeatedly* {See, I could have just done that if you'd asked.} *glumly picks up busted camera* {Aw, my camera.}

*A police squad car pulls up*

First Cop: Hey there, sir, do you or the baby panda need any help?

ABP: No sir, well maybe. See, we caught Shadow Thief, but we aren't sure what to do with him.

Second Cop: Hey Jerry, check it out! They did catch Shadow Thief, with a bag full of jewels no less!

First Cop (Jerry): Well, you know the drill, Claire, we have to deactivate his Dimensionometer and get that suit off before he regains consciousness.

Second Cop (Claire): Right. Let's see, it's usually stored in the belt. *searches, turns a knob, small click is audible* Got it.

Jerry: Great. *Turns to ABP and Calvin* So what are the two of you doing here?

ABP: Well sir, we're looking for a criminal called Satana. She's hurt some of my family, and I'm going to make her sorry.

Calvin: {First, can I say I'm impressed with how calmly you're taking the talking panda? Second, yeah, stumbling across Shadow Thief was a fluke. Or a contrivance.}

Claire: *holding the Dimensionometer* Around here, talking pandas aren't that unusual. As for Satana, you're not gonna find her here, but she's close. She's robbing a bank with four of her hench creatures over in the financial district. We were on our way there, but it looks like we'll need to drop Shadow Thief off at the station. We could give you a ride part way, though, if you'd like.

ABP: Thank you so much officers. *ABP and Calvin hop in the backseat, and unconscious Shadow Thief slumped in the seat next to them.*

Calvin: Jeez, all the super-criminals decided to steal stuff at the same time? Is that normal?

Claire: Sometimes, but I guess they went for it tonight because word got out Hawkman's having a battle with some heavily-armed guy in a red body stocking that won't shut up. *Calvin and ABP tense up a little* They're probably all taking advantage of Hawkman being busy.

Jerry: And Hawkgirl's probably off saving the world with the Justice League, so I'm glad some other costumed vigilantes showed up to help. *looks back at ABP and Calvin* You guys are costumed vigilantes, right?

Calvin: {Sure, absolutely. My lack of a costume actually is my costume, for I am Ordinary Guy. This is my talking animal sidekick/comedy relief Appealing To The Cuteness Demographic Panda!} *Pause* {We're new on the scene, but we've handled plenty of tough villains, so no worries. By the by, could I keep Shadow Thief's cool sword? It could be handy.}

Claire: *Doubtfully* I don't know. . .

Jerry: Oh, let him keep it Claire. We always let Hawkman keep any weapons he wants from the perps.

Claire: Only because he's less irritating when he's crowing about what vintage the weapons are than when he's telling me to make him a sandwich, or crying over Hawkgirl. Sure, keep the sword. Just don't tell anyone where you got it, agreed?

Calvin: {No worries, officers.} *deeper, more heroic voice* {You can count on us!}

Claire: *rolls eyes* Great. Say, you wouldn't happen to know someone named Deadpool, would you?

Calvin: *Calvin and ABP both visibly blanch* {No, absolutely not. Why?}

Claire: That's what the lunatic fighting Hawkman calls himself, and well, we'd never heard of him. I thought maybe, since you were new to the city, he might be your arch-enemy, and he ran into Hawkman while hunting you down.

Calvin: {Oh no, no, no, no. We certainly don't know anyone named Deadpool. We haven't been in the business long enough to accumulate arch-enemies. Which isn't to say we haven't tried, it's just everyone seems to want to be Superman's enemy. Or Batman's, or one of the other big guns. None of the new villains realize they need to start out feuding with a new hero, then work their way up to the big-names. I mean, the A-list heroes already have like fifty arch-foes, you know? They don't have space on their card for another, super-strong, super-tough guy to fight.}

Jerry: I hear ya.

*dispatch radio crackles to life* (To all cars, there are reported sightings of the Monocle destroying a bank down the block from Satana. Any units not already occupied, please respond.)

Jerry: Geez, it never ends. Dispatch, this is 3-William-56, we have to drop Shadow Thief off at our precinct, but we've got a couple of heroes with us who are gonna take down Satana, so backup will be in the area. Copy?

Dispatch: (Copy that. Drop off Shadow Thief, then head to one of those ongoing crimes immediately.)

Jerry: *brings police car to a halt at a T-Junction. Down the street to their right, the sounds of screams, explosions, and alarms can be heard, and flames cast a glow into the night sky.* Here we are, you think the two of you can handle this?

ABP: *salutes, hops out of the car* Yes sir! We'll bring both their rampages to a halt!

Calvin: *steps out of car* {Sure, we can handle it. We'll have to deal with them one at a time, but if you need assistance with the Monocle, we'll be there as soon as possible. Thanks for the sword.} *Jerry and Claire speed off to deliver Shadow Thief to a cell. As soon as they're out of sight, ABP bonks Calvin on the head.*

Calvin: *inexplicably speaking in a lousy Cockney accent* {'Ey, what the bleedin' hell what that for?}

ABP: You lied to the police! We aren't heroes, and we do so know Deadpool!

Calvin: {What do you mean we aren't heroes? Satana is committing crimes, and we're gonna stop her, right? Like heroes would. As for the Deadpool thing, the back of a police car is not the place to confess you're friends with the guy causing massive property damage fighting with the local super-hero. Now let's do this before I lose my nerve.} *hefting the sword, Calvin starts nervously towards the explosions*

ABP: *pauses to consider Calvin's words* I guess that makes sense. But after we stop the baddies, we tell the cops the truth! *Follows Calvin down the street.* I hope Deadpool is alright.

*Deadpool is sort of alright. Fortunately, Hawkman's tendency to solve problems by stabbing and hitting them is not terribly effective against someone with a healing factor of Deadpool's caliber, which Hawkman is learning. He met Deadpool's initial attacking leap by grabbing his harness flying two stories up, and piledriving Wade's head into the sidewalk. For good measure, he proceeded to stab Deadpool's torso - sticking helplessly out of the ground - several times. To his consternation, Deadpool extracted his head from the hole, rose to his feet, made a comment about the sharpness of Hawkman's sword, then kicked him in the stomach. Hawkman responded by swinging his mace and removing Deadpool's lower jaw.*

Deadpool: [My 'aw! Eye an't awk! An' 'ow 'ill Eye eat 'ettle 'orn!?] *Unleashes a spinning slash at Hawkman, cutting the harness that keeps the Nth metal attached, causing Hawkman to fall forward a bit, leading him directly into the roundhouse kick Wade used the centripetal force of the Spin Attack to use. Hawkman takes the kick right in the throat. While he gasps for breath, Deadpool picks up and reattaches his lower jaw.*

Deadpool: [Let's see if everything's working. Chimichanga, What is love, baby don't hurt me! Alright, we're back on the air! But for that one, you're going back into the unloved video game box in the attic, Kid Icarus!] *Kicks Hawkman in the face, then stabs him in the leg.*

Hawkman: Od's blood, you cur! Such foul strikes will not be enough to end me! And even if you do succeed, I will return, stronger than you can comprehend, until you are defeated!

Deadpool: [Sure, sure Alec Guinness, go bye now.] *Draws moderately sized automatic pistol.*

Hawkman: *charges forward, grabs Deadpool's unusually small ankle, and swings his head into a lamp post.* I never surrender! *Throws Deadpool through the window of an antiquities store* You'll have no more success defeating me with your strange weapons, than did the Hyksos with their chariots^.

Deadpool: *throws piece of antique pottery at Hawkman in response* [I'm sorry, did I stumble onto PBS without realizing it?] *Hefts vase*

Hawkman: No, not that one! Shiera and I excavated that in Outer Mongolia in the 1930s! Oh, Shiera, why can't we make it work this time? *falls to knees sobbing*

Deadpool: [Because you got your mack on with Power Girl? Because you're crazier than I am? Enough with the multiple personality garbage! Jim Starlin said it was all a bunch of continuity junk anyway!]

Hawkman: *Head snaps up* Starlin? STARLIN! *Grabs mace in one hand, sword in the other, charges Deadpool* STARLINNNNNNN^^! *Hawkman falls into a berserker mode, swinging both weapons with wild abandon, screaming about how much he liked the "endlessly resurrected" continuity patch he had. Deadpool is battered under the onslaught. Suddenly, the Merc with a Mouth leaps backwards, plants a foot against the wall, and as Hawkman rushes forward, vaults into the air above Hawkman, landing with both feet squarely on the enraged warrior's head. Hawkman's face meets the floor violently as a result.*

Deadpool: [I call that Koopa Stomp Style, so you can tell all your friends how you got beat down. Now what is your problem?]

Hawkman: *Remarkably, having his face driven into the floor makes him calmer* I was investigating a crazy man firing a gun into the air and frightening the populace, namely, you.

Deadpool: [Would you believe I was celebrating Chinese New Year?]

Hawkman: Chinese New Year? At this time of year? In this town? With firearms?

Deadpool: [Is it not time here yet? Oh, I always get confused when I cross the International date line. Is it a day ahead, or a day behind, I can never remember, and you can't afford to go carelessly throwing away time. . .]

Hawkman: *growing angry* Will you stop that chatter, and tell me why you're here?!

Deadpool: [I'm trying to help a little furry friend of mine take care of a bad egg that hangs out here. She's called Satana, and she hurt some of his family. Don't know where my little buddy went though, Mr. Howell.]

Hawkman: I'd heard she was on the loose again. Let me get my wings, and I'll help you find your friend. *Turns to walk out of the store. Deadpool follows.*

Deadpool: [Thanks, Mr. Wilson, you're the greatest! By the way, about Power Girl. How does she feel about morally ambiguous mercs with a lotta love to give, but hideously ugly faces?]

Hawkman: She's not a fan.

Deadpool: *Removes something from a belt pouch, drops it on the ground.* [Oh, darn. Should have figured. How does she feel about grenades?] *steps away from Hawkman quickly*

Hawkman: Grenades? I don't think she likes those, either. Why are you. . . *looks down at his feet, sees live grenade* Oh, you little punk - KABOOM!

Deadpool: [And now to find my friends, the villain, and wrap all this up. After I get some sleep. So tomorrow then. Or maybe Friday, since I've got work the next few days. But soon.]

^ Yeah, I know, the Hyksos did conquer Egypt, but maybe they hadn't by Hawkman's time. I'm trying to establish that Hawkman is swinging wildly between varying personalities. Yes, I'm doing a poor job of it, I know.

^^ I keep worrying I'm going to mistype and spell "Stalin". Which might be interesting, and I imagine Hawkman wouldn't have been a fan of Joseph Stalin's, but it would probably confuse the issue.

Don't Say We Lack Follow-Through

Last December, Adorable Baby Panda swore to teach Satana a lesson about experimenting on pandas, despite the fact she already operates in Hawkman's town of St. Roch. Deadpool accompanied him for money, and after some deliberation, Calvin went along as well. This is their story.

*Night, Calvin walks down a mostly deserted sidewalk, Adorable Baby Panda sitting on his shoulder. Calvin stays in the shadows of the buildings, Following Adorable Baby Panda's directions on when and where to move.*

Adorable Baby Panda (ABP): I didn't think you'd come with us, Calvin.

Calvin: {Well, I expect it won't be long until Deadpool gets distracted and I didn't want you wandering around here on your own.}

ABP: Maybe he should walk next to us then, instead of on the other side of the street.

Calvin: {I think it's better if we don't get too bunched together. Also, Wade's not exactly stealthy.}

ABP: He's doing alright, he's even staying in the shadows, like we are. *Pause* Is he carrying a trashcan?

Calvin: *Peers across street* {Yes.}

ABP: Why?

*Just then, a pedestrian approaches Deadpool. He quickly removes the trashcan from his back and sets it on the sidewalk, He then raises the lid, jumps in, and replaces the lid on top of the can. The pedestrian, observing all this, walks swiftly past Deadpool, keeping both eyes on the garbage receptacle, while giving it a wide berth. After the pedestrian passes, the lid raises slightly, balanced on Deadpool's head, as he looks first one way, then the other. Observing Calvin and ABP watching him, he sticks a hand out of the can to give a thumbs up.*

Calvin: {Because he couldn't find a suitable cardboard box to use?}

ABP: Huh?

Calvin: {Never mind} *The pair observe Deadpool deftly leap out of the trashcan from a crouch, and land neatly next to it, the lid still balanced on his head* {Have to admit, that was pretty nimble. If I tried that, I'd just land on my face.}

ABP: Yeah, you would.

Calvin: *glaring at ABP* {Anyway, let's keep moving. Do we have some way of finding Satana?} You had us come here, even though she was caught by Power Girl and Terra in New York.}

ABP: She isn't in jail anymore. She escaped, with her experiments. So we'll find her that way.

Calvin: *pauses* {We talking magic, or some technologically marvelous tracking device?}

ABP: I can kind of sense him, but it's hard, he's not a panda anymore on the inside. If we get close enough, I can probably smell him.

Calvin: *Calvin, ABP, and Deadpool enter more brightly lit historical district. Deadpool continues to hop into his trashcan at the first sign of a passerby, a car, or if he just wants to leap out and scare a cat.* {So we're not reliant on another plot contrivance?}

ABP: What do you mean?

Calvin: {You know, like you being able to find Kirby to help find me, or somehow contacting Clint Barton to help with the Flying Castle Incident, or my Thanos card being left behind where you and Wade could find it, even though I confronted Overused Kirby Creation with it in his domain.}

ABP: You mean lucky breaks?

Calvin: {Sure, yeah, let's call them that.}

ABP: Well, we can always use a lucky break. Maybe she'll try and commit a crime tonight. That would make it easier.

Deadpool: [Hey, are you guys swapping expository dialogue over there? I want in! "Just then Deadpool decided to make an advance on the classy older woman exiting the jazz-themed kaffee klatch down the street. 'Well hello there, wanna eat some tacos', he said, as she stared in horror." Hey, quit screaming, it's hard for me to talk over that, unless I SPEAK LOUDER! YOU CAN'T MATCH THE PIPES THAT ARE 3-TIME KARAOKE CHAMP OF THE WEAPON X REUNION BANQUET!]

Calvin: *ignoring Wade* {What if Hawkman is there? He might not approve of you meting out justice as you see fit. He tends to hit things he doesn't approve of. When he's not stabbing them.}

Deadpool: [DEADPOOL FIRES HIS SPIFFY GUN INTO THE AIR, HOPING THAT WILL CALM HIS FUTURE HONEY, BUT FINDS HE MUST TALK EVEN LOUDER TO HEAR HIMSELF OVER THE GUNFIRE!!]

ABP: Something will take care of that for us. Besides isn't he dead?

Calvin: *Turns down dark alley, walking away from Deadpool* {From Final Crisis or Blackest Night? I mean, of course from Final Crisis, since Blackest Night won't start for several months, as this is December of 2008. Who knows? Last I heard he was in outer space, and even if he does die, he'll probably reincarnate. You sensing anything?}

ABP: Not really.

*Somewhere above them*: KEER^!

Calvin: {Aw crap.} *Turns and runs back to the mouth of the alley. Then, whispering loudly* {Wade, get out of sight! Seriously, quit screwing around!}

Deadpool: *The woman has long since fled, but he's still firing his gun into the air.* [WHAT I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THIS GUNFIRE! I OUGHT TO STOP, BUT IT'S SO FUN! I DON'T GET TO HAVE FUN LIKE THIS AT MARVEL ANYMORE! HEY, A GIANT BIRD PERSON WITH MEDIEVAL WEAPONS! DID I STUMBLE INTO A ROLE-PLAYING TOURNAMENT?! DIE NERD!] *levels gun at Hawkman*

*Hawkman issues a guttural, incomprehensible bellow, and slices the gun in half with a sword.*

Deadpool: [I liked that gun! It had a laser sight, made cool flashes when it fired, and was perfectly balanced!]

Hawkman: *Speaking calmly, precisely* Listen citizen, while I respect your right - and enthusiasm - about bearing arms, you are in violation of St. Roch's civil code 2834.53, causing a public disturbance, and discharging a firearm in an unsafe manner.

Deadpool: [I am a fully-certified, fully-registered superhuman agent of the United States government, just like the law requires, which means I can do what I want, like Mark Millar writing an event book. I have a badge and everything. Now where is that badge] *begins searching numerous pockets*

Hawkman: Registered? The government doesn't require us to register! You're an assassin, working for the government to kill any heroes that don't toe the line aren't you?!

Deadpool: [Didn't I just say that? Wait, you aren't registered? Then that means I'ma have to kick your feathered rear end,and don't think I won't because I even tried to arrest Captain America, and I'll stuff you like a Thanksgiving turkey. Except instead of stuffing, I'll use pineapples. Wonderful, exploding pineapples. Expensive, but totally worth it for clearing out all those fat, stupid relatives over the holidays, like the aunt who always wants you to wear a white shirt, and I look terrible in white, really more of a red man myself, with maybe some ochre and pewter thrown in. . .]

Hawkman: Shut your gob, you stinking cutthroat. I'll string your guts throughout Anubis' realm! *lunges forward*

Deadpool: [Well, Crom, and decapitation, and saucy wenches to you too.] *draws swords, leaps forward.*

*Hidden in the alley across the street, ABP and Calvin have observed the deteriorating situation.*

ABP: We should keep looking for Satana.

Calvin: {Agreed. Can't imagine she'll be stupid enough to show up around here.} *they turn and head back into the alley, towards the dead side of town.*

^ It's a generally accepted method of spelling the call of a Red-Tailed Hawk, if that helps.

To be continued tomorrow. Really, I mean it. I will totally not leave this story hanging the way I did that one back in May.

What's Thanagarian For Crom?

Question: Has Hawkman ever been written a Space Conan? Flying through space, drinking fortified space liquor, smashing space villains with his space mace, getting down to business with space wenches, that sort of thing? I recall Geoff Johns' Hawkman had a fairly violent streak in him, at least some of the time, but I'm not sure whether it was Conanesque, or if he had the other aspects going on.

If so, how well did it go? If it went well, why'd they stop? If it didn't go well, why*? If they haven't tried it yet, do you think it would be worth considering?

* My guess would be Hawkman not setting aside enough time for lovin'.