I've been kind of waiting for it to go away but since it's lingering, I suppose I shall extract it thus. This aforementioned it is this gnawing, annoyingly cold-sore-like discontent that keeps distracting me from enjoying my life. The little bits, the big bits, they both seem to be growing and swirling in the balloon-sized wine glass of my psyche...and the sulfites are giving me a headache. Ensue rant:
- I miss being busy. Though everyone seems to be quite jealous of this in me, I must admit that I enjoy being busy and thriving upon tasks. However, if these tasks are meaningless and invented solely to keep me busy, I rebel and cannot complete them. I've said it before, but I've quite married myself to the idea that I might be addicted to meaning and have an overdose in my life.
- I am quite discontent at the adjustment in lifestyle. How I miss the bustling energy of Capitol Hill - the subconscious knowledge that SOMETHING was going on somewhere, SOMEONE was having the time of their life, and if not...were at least in existential crisis over it and hardly complacently adapted to their less than ideal jobs, etc, etc. When you live with the young, you live with mercenaries. When you live with no one, you've only yourself to glean inspiration from. I feel uninspiring to me this ordinary night in late December.
- I feel bored with the things I usually love...writing, photography, art, fashion, cooking, etc.
- I've absolutely NOTHING to wear, ever.
- Due to No. 2, I do not walk anymore. I've therefore espoused a new weighty 5 lbs that I cannot seem to divorce from my nether regions. On top of this, I need a hair cut, eye-brow attention, and mani/pedi. These things may seem trivial to some, but they are truly integral to me feeling like me...put together, taken care of, lovely.
- I've gotten to thinking about my goals for 2010...the goals aside from the financial and fitness. I've wondered if I should go back to work to find some sort of structure to my day; I've seriously pondered going back to school online; perhaps this is the year I start marketing myself and producing myself as a professional blogger/writer. I stand at this many-pronged fork (YOU KNOW, LIKE THE ONES THEY SERVE WITH A 20-COURSE MEAL THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHEN TO USE), and I feel nothing. I feel no passion or inclination towards anything.
In my soul, I feel big and blue.
I'VE BECOME THE BLOB.
I think the only remedy is lots and lots of dancing.
Know any hot clubs in Hobart, Wa?
Blerg.
It must be the Monday after Christmas.
Herein lies the question for you, tell me. What do you do for inspiration?
~Back to the tequila,
crm