Showing posts with label jobs. Show all posts

ease in the moment

Evening's Balm

This week has been a whirlwind.  I've found that I am a bit less capable of handling stress than I thought.  My heart still races, my breath eludes me, my mind obsesses.  Fear at being stressed is so much worse than the actual tasks at hand. 

It's very early.  I am unable to sleep, so I open my journal and read last night's entry.  I sat at my kitchen table and took in a rare moment of pure silence.

"How to describe this beautifully heavy silence.  I sit and the only thing I hear is a steady, faint drip of rain...an occasional whoosh of trucks driving by.  Stress and fear have returned this week in drastic measure and I am left to doubt myself, questioning if the peace of the last year was due only to the fact that I had leisure time.  God I hope not.  I am so afraid of losing myself again...but if I examine it without the fear, if I can imagine it all being sucked up by an existential, infinite vacuum (I just watched "I Heart Huckabees") then there is nothing left...no stress.  Truly, I fear the fear more than the actuality.  In the moment, I am quite capable, and all I need is strength for that particular moment, not for the rest of my foreseeable future.  Back again to the ease of the moment."

In the next few weeks, I am transitioning back into fulltime work.  I've been racked with personal questions...Am I capable of going back to work and still being a writer?  I do think so, but God...I am scared.  Can I figure out a work/life balance that still allows me to write, take pictures, meet friends?  I do think so, but God...I am scared.

But that's today.  Yesterday, I found a moment of ease.  I close my eyes and cling to the mental picture of me sitting at the kitchen table, reading a letter from her, grabbing my journal, scribbling peace, and realizing that I am still quite capable of taking care of myself.

Self.Care.Capable.
Self, there is really nothing to fear.
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TOO MANY PRONGS ON THE UTENSILS OF LIFE

I've been kind of waiting for it to go away but since it's lingering, I suppose I shall extract it thus.  This aforementioned it is this gnawing, annoyingly cold-sore-like discontent that keeps distracting me from enjoying my life.  The little bits, the big bits, they both seem to be growing and swirling in the balloon-sized wine glass of my psyche...and the sulfites are giving me a headache.  Ensue rant:

  1. I miss being busy.  Though everyone seems to be quite jealous of this in me, I must admit that I enjoy  being busy and thriving upon tasks.  However, if these tasks are meaningless and invented solely to keep me busy, I rebel and cannot complete them.  I've said it before, but I've quite married myself to the idea that I might be addicted to meaning and have an overdose in my life.

  2. I am quite discontent at the adjustment in lifestyle.  How I miss the bustling energy of Capitol Hill - the subconscious knowledge that SOMETHING was going on somewhere, SOMEONE was having the time of their life, and if not...were at least in existential crisis over it and hardly complacently adapted to their less than ideal jobs, etc, etc.  When you live with the young, you live with mercenaries.  When you  live with no one, you've only yourself to glean inspiration from.  I feel uninspiring to me this ordinary night in late December.

  3. I feel bored with the things I usually love...writing, photography, art, fashion, cooking, etc.

  4. I've absolutely NOTHING to wear, ever.

  5. Due to No. 2, I do not walk anymore.  I've therefore espoused a new weighty 5 lbs that I cannot seem to divorce from my nether regions.  On top of this, I need a hair cut, eye-brow attention, and mani/pedi.  These things may seem trivial to some, but they are truly integral to me feeling like me...put together, taken care of, lovely.

  6. I've gotten to thinking about my goals for 2010...the goals aside from the financial and fitness.  I've wondered if I should go back to work to find some sort of structure to my day; I've seriously pondered going back to school online; perhaps this is the year I start marketing myself and producing myself as a professional blogger/writer.  I stand at this many-pronged fork (YOU KNOW, LIKE THE ONES THEY SERVE WITH A 20-COURSE MEAL THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHEN TO USE), and I feel nothing.  I feel no passion or inclination towards anything.  
In my soul, I feel big and blue.
I'VE BECOME THE BLOB.

I think the only remedy is lots and lots of dancing.
Know any hot clubs in Hobart, Wa?

Blerg.
It must be the Monday after Christmas.

Herein lies the question for you, tell me.  What do you do for inspiration?

~Back to the tequila,
crm
a life at work blogging content
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election time

not to be a negative nancy, but today and the last month has reminded me why i chose to live 28 years in cynicism.

because in the last two years, with getting all healthy and shit, i have found some child-like hope.

but hoping hurts. it hurts real bad. (or really badly if you care)

so you tell me what the freaking heck i should do with my life. the following represents a list of passions and interests - in no particular order of importance - that could save my soul from this 8-5 death:

  1. hair dresser
  2. writer/editor
  3. therapist - study of psychology (already tried this - denied)
  4. literature - teaching (already tried this - denied)
  5. bookstore owner
  6. mother
  7. photography
  8. makeup artist
  9. web design
  10. travel (anything where i get paid to travel and coordinate travel)
  11. dancer
  12. art studio owner/supporter/collaborator
  13. fashion designer

perhaps if you choose for me, i won't feel so gnawed through and through by doubt.
doubt hope jobs
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feeling goooooglely

You might want to rethink your job when your only desire for a new job is to be able to wear jeans to work.

lemme splain.

This morning, all bleary-eyed and caffeine deprived, I walked up to the corner of 5th and Pike and was distracted from my usual scoffing directed at the (I’m 25 but dress like a 50-year old)Banana Republic display by this wonderful pair of jeans. I didn’t even notice the woman who adorned these fabulous jeans, and they were not anything impressive in and of themselves. But oh how I stared and longed and lusted for a job where I could feel the comfort of a well-fitted jean on my waist.

Clothes make me freaking cranky sometimes. Today I am in one of my favorite army-green, tulip-cut skirts, but I feel just accosted by it. Perhaps I have a mild form of sensory integration disorder, but clothes just never stay put and this constant shuffling and fixing and primping and fussing makes me crave a good scream and more leisurely uniform. And don't misunderstand, I love me some skirts and great slacks and heels, but golly - they can tire a gal out.

So then I log into my computer and go to the seattletimes.org. One of the first articles I read is about google opening more and more new offices – and I don’t know if you know it, but basically, to work for google is to work for jesus. If you want to nap, you can nap – and they provide a napping room. If you want to play foosball or video games, you can, and you guessed it, they provide it. The perks and atmosphere of that place sounds so delicious to my soul (hello, office PET!!); if you relax and take care of yourself, embracing the natural rhythm of your body (sleepy at 3pm, etc), your work will be much more productive.

And let’s face it. You know you are just dinking around on your computer from 3pm-5pm anyway, so may as well actually embrace it.

They call it feeling googly.

So after the jeans site-ing, I realized that my only real standard in this soulless career of office administration work is to find a job where I can wear whatever the frack* I want to.

This is a low standard. This is my point.

Also, maybe I should apply at google.

In other news, my house is feeling slightly more at home because of the following:
  1. I have cooked a meal in my kitchen (BY MYSELF – well, jess helped me refrain from adding an entire can of chipotle peppers to my sauce (i thought it called for a can, turns out it was a teaspoon - yes, i know, they are very close)
  2. Ben and Jess have graced it with meaningful conversation, lounging, and some great old stories. Never underestimate the power of really old friends to help oneself re orientate
  3. My family came and saw it (some of them) and approved of my new european lifestyle - and
    then we walked to get coffee which was delicious and very fun. on the way back, we had a nature walk where mom and dad taught me some names of flowers and foliage
  4. I have found an answer to a design dilemma that was frustrating me. my picture frames cover every open inch of surface in our house, and i really want to have it look less cluttery. so i have decided to give them a concentrated home on three bookshelf ledges (soon to be purchased), and then will get all color-same frames. this way my pictures (which i believe bring a deep amount of soul into my home) will have a home - and a proud and prominent one at that.

These things are very important, ma’am. Don’t even think about trying to build a home without them.

I have been on a picture hiatus lately, probably because this apartment is sapping lots of my creative energy and i am still working on where my creative space will be.

Also I have learned a couple of new words. Necromancer, Stymied. Necromancer is so great to say, but doesn’t mean anything really useful to everyday speech. A necromancer is one who can conjure the dead. *

Stymied is a word I found on the newspaper today (thank god for journalists who still realize that people should still be exposed to words longer than five letters) and it means thwarted or a situation that is mystifying…puzzling.

I love me some wordlings.

Happy Tuesday, most beautiful creations, and it’s happy because candace gets a massage tonight…yay for insurance.

*trivia of the day.

1- This slang is taken from what sci-fi show?
2- Why did I italicize those words?
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