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A birth, a move, a challenge

I have so much to catch you all up on here at Chateau Bookling (soon to be named Bookling Manor, but more on that later).

The purpose of my most recent Redding trip was to finally be a part of my best friend Jackie's delivery of child number three. I haven't been able to be there for the other two children (missed the last one by a DAY), so I took advantage of my flexible situation and went down for the two weeks right around her due date. We were hoping that fate would be on our side so I could be a part of it.








I was due to leave on Tuesday and Levi David decided to make his appearance on Monday at 8:39am after 13 hours of labor. It was such an amazing process to behold from start to finish and made me marvel at the love and trust Jackie had placed in me to allow me to be a fly on the wall for such a vulnerable process. Though I am comfortable showing just about any emotion, pain is absolutely NOT one of them.









When Levi finally started to crown, I absolutely couldn't believe it. I had never seen a birth (not even a video), and it was just nothing like I expected. I thought I would be traumatized and never want to go through the process, but either Jackie made it look easy, or I realized that there simply couldn't be anything more natural. And then, oh the gobs and gobs of joy and release of the happiest floodgate of tears came upon me...and I cannot imagine how that would be intensified if I were seeing my child for the first time.



It's magical; divinity sure pulled a rabbit out of a hat with this one. And boy, after Levi came, it was the hardest thing in the world to get back on that plane. I have always had a serious case of baby fever (NOT parent fever, sadly), and this only made it soooo.much.worse. He's my new favorite 5 day old.

There was talk about me extending my plane ticket, but alas, the saint and I had made a huge decision right before I left for the trip, and I needed to get back to execute the plans. We have decided to move to the country. It's a rather long story, but Joel will be working from home next month and we do not have enough room in our little city-cave to accommodate the both of us here. Not only that, but in order to maintain my stay-at-homeness, we needed a cheaper place. These are the practical reasons.

The soulful reasons, and the vastly more important to me are these: We are slow-pokey souls. We want a simpler life, a quieter life, a more intentional life. In order to do this, we need to unbury ourselves from the debt of our early 20s. We need to be in the forest. We need space to spread our wings and test our courage in flight. We need to be closer to his parents.

I cannot tell you what a hard decision this was for me. Joel loves the city, but he really REALLY needs to be around his trees and hobby space. I love the city, and that's all I need (that I know of, never having lived in the country). I watch Seattle unfold my words; she is my muse. BUT, she isn't going anywhere...I just have to come to her. Plus, all of our friends are here and though I know we will all make the drive, there will be so much less of the spontaneous, no traffic, quick drinks together.

The move happens this next weekend - so this week is me packing and taking trips out there. We've already spent more time in the car this week than we probably have all year. So there you have it, we will be upgrading Chateau Bookling into Bookling Manor.

AND THE LAST BIT:

Right around my birthday, I posted a 12-month challenge blog. The first month's challenge was to stick to my budget. Well, all I'm going to say about that is that I tried really, really, really hard. And though I wasn't entirely successful, it was remarkable how just even paying acute attention to it made me spend less. August came and went and I never got to report or tell you what September's challenge was. Well, I decided that September's challenge was moving to the country.

Dears, I hope that you put goals in place as a guideline for yourselves and not a binding contract. I am learning to give myself a WHOLE lot of room in this way...even to boast to the world that "I AM RUNNING FOR 5 HOURS A DAY" and then not doing it if it turns out that it wasn't a goal I could keep, or didn't want to keep...or whatever. Needless to say, I am not the kind of person that will ever become a body-builder or have drive to accomplish something with unwavering focus, but I tell you, I AM the kind of person that can extend myself the amount of graciousness that I can extend to those I love - and that is a rare gift.

So, I took September off and decided to focus on my life instead. Funny how whether or not you make it a goal to grow and change...life does it for you.

Happy Weekend,
crm
12-month challenge birth Bookling Manor
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upon a rather "something" rant.

it is such a temptation for me to talk myself out of how i feel based on the logic that i will no longer feel that particular way in a few hours, days, weeks. while i feel it is truly wise to have buckets and buckets of this truth, this perspective of the universe that our lives are but temporal in the grand scheme (i realize this does not comfort everyone), i really have to be careful to avoid persuading myself out of moods.

some might call this wallowing.
yep.

i suppose that if you are the kind of person that finds wallowing to be among the 7-deadly sins, than perhaps you would advise that i surround myself with positivism, adjust my negative attitude, pull myself up by the bootstraps and just make myself feel better, damn it.

but at what cost? if these "moooods" are so continually battled, what part of myself is being severed? all of this simply so i can go about my day and feel better, feel productive, feel useful? i agree that to feel better, productive, and useful are important emotions, but are they much more important than to feel worse, unproductive, and unused? why do we persuade ourselves out of moods? it's NEVER made sense to me. "i am going to now talk myself out of feeling angry at my husband because it is not acceptable nor helpful to our relationship, plus it will freak the kids out." speaking from a somewhat narcissist perspective (in that only 1 person is really overly affected by my moodiness, and i don't have to deal with hiding myself for a more appropriate time so my kids feel more secure), i realize that not every single emotion needs full reign when it presents, but i also think there is something truly cauterizing about simply deciding that how we feel is unacceptable and doing any and everything to just get out of that mood.

i do not want to cauterize my soul. i have done this enough, dears, and the work at the other end of it is the steepest of uphill battles.

le sigh.

it's been one of those weeks where peeling hard boiled eggs turns into the most frustrating task OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. where you slice one piece of coconut cake and two seconds later it promptly falls onto the carpet (with tiny pieces of coconut everywhere). you then pick it up to throw away and miss the garbage can. it mocks you in a big splat on the kitchen floor. you reach for a paper towel, and in your frustration manage to pull the entire roll of paper towels from its rack.

also, did i mention? you have ABSOLUTELY.NOTHING.TO.WEAR. and you are the fatest person alive?

these things are temporal.
how i realize this.

but what of my career? what of houses, babies, graduate school, marriage, money, photography, writing, mental health, spiritual questions, and fathers? these things, not so temporal.

and how can i possibly muster the energy to think on these things when i cannot even walk five blocks to the grocery store to pick up celery?!

and in these days, i feel, truly feel that life is sometimes just fucking impossible.
oh, and also, that having a uterus is a cruel, cruel joke.

but, since there is no getting around my week or uterus, i have comforted myself with a bottle of 2008 Chilean savignon blanc in the afternoon. also, i am going to attempt some ridiculous baking feat, because that is just how crazy i feel. muuuaah.

the end.




*i am sure i won't feel this way tomorrow, so please disregard me.**



**that was sarcastic.
anger boo cake
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coffee and cakes, roger? why yes, gertrude, i don't mind if i do.

Why do I keep blogging in the mornings? I feel I am cheating you, souls, by writing in my morning way…stay tuned for a salacious, soul-filled blog, written in the wee hours of the morn.

I think my deterrent (and he will hate this and demand we move it right now if it keeps me from writing), is that my dear soul is sleeping in the room where my computer now resides. Last night, instead of doing the bills as I should have, I decided to let joelio sleep instead – and used his laptop to dink around until much too late. I supposed I could have blogged then, but his computer just isn’t my home.



A few points of note this overcast day.
  • I sited another “comfortable wardrobe” moment this morning in the elevator. Excusing the fashion faux-paux of the moment, this kind gentleman adorned slacks, polo, and comfy sneakers. Because I tend to hate just about everything in the morning, I hated him for his comfortable feet. Now, with some coffee giving me a bit of perspective, I realize I love his feet. He made me realize that I was not miserable in my boots, but was actually enjoying the comfy cushion of joel’s new socks (shhh. i am gonna be in soo much trouble). So even if my only requirement for a new job is to wear some soul-giving raiment, I can find small elements of comfort in my current situation. And let’s face the music, dearies…we all needs these tidbits of comfort to have the courage to face our existential dilemmas.

  • It was free coffee Wednesday at the Sbucks in my building. I have three to choose from, so the one closest to my office was granted my business. Yes, for some reason I received a free coffee card to try their new roast every Wednesday. I feel this roast to be inferior to any African or Ethiopian bean, but I will drink just about anything if it’s free. And free is what I am all about these days.

  • I am looking forward to my co-workers birthday. I get just the smallest, cutest sliver of coconut cake from mecrina bakery. This bakery is just the bee’s knees, my confidants. You really must love it so. do make a point to visit in on your next trip to god's city.

  • I am overwhelmed of late with my dear friends and their struggle with moneys. I don’t know if you realize, but I have seriously the kind of friends that people write home about. These people are healthy, whole (or on their way), and live their lives with gustos of courage. But I see them making sacrifices and hurting because this society has no tolerance for soulfull careers. This angers me, my comrades. Some must be destitute and some must not attend to their futures, and I hate it friends. I just want to spit. What can be done…I wish to provide a new world; yes, a brave new world where we can soma.

EEEKKKS. Put everything sad on hold. A man JUST walked in with a pink bakery box! I do believe that a coconut cake resides inside. My coworker just said the most poignant thing I will hear all day.

“Pink bakery boxes always make me happy.”




I am going to sneak a picture of it.


I am so covert in my cajolery. I sneaked my camera into my pocket and then went to the kitchen.



I was also very naughty and took the sticker off to get a picture of the insides. And I am once again reminded of why i always carry my camera in my purse. which is why i need a big purse!

Happy Pink Box Wednesday; your eyes are sugary sweet to me.
cake coffee macrina
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