Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts

One room.




I am in the middle of vacating a home. This particular room, though now empty of things, contains multitudes:


My sister sleeping on a futon while my niece slobbers on the TV screen with her hands as she steadies her newly-walking self.

Emily and I crying while we watch "Wuthering Heights."

Painting the room cathedral gray.

Making it my very first studio, my me-only space to read and write.

Sitting staring out the window, watching Joel garden. Separate togetherness.

One drunken night when we newly discovered, and filmed me dancing to, an ABC song.

Slowing morphing it into a room for a baby.

The first time Joel put Bowie in her crib, 3 months after she was born, and ready to move out of the bassinet right next to our bed.

Nursing Bowie in the early morning hours, staring out at the dead-but-always-fruiting pear tree (oh
how I will miss that tree).

Sister back for a visit, sleeping on a mattress on the floor after a drunken Madonna concert.

Bowie moving out of this room into her big girl room - me reoccupying it eagerly.

Kelly, setting up shop in here even though it's way too small for a big working table. Just because we wanted to be in the same room, working. Separate togetherness.



The great book purge of 2015, when I decided that I was done with the men of antiquity dominating the shelves.

Standing outside the closed doorway for countless amounts of cumulative minutes, listening to Bowie cry. Should I go in? Should I stay out? Motherhood's eternal question.

KJK picking up my camera to snap a beautiful moment as I fed Bowie - me so grateful someone captured it.

House guests sleeping on a variety of makeshift bed combinations - Jackie and the kids sardined in,
in-laws during the first days of Bowie's life, my mom lots of times, friends and family always.

 And that afternoon light. Oh the afternoon light.

So many mantras scribbled on paper and posted as reminders. Many revelatory tarot pulls. Tons of the deepest yoga breaths.

Smudging for the eradication of cancer, for the clearing of toxicity, for the fragrant cleansing.






All in the smallest room of the house... a room of my very own.
movies moving slideshow
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Year in Photos 2015: aka gratitude and red wine

Joel noticed that I hadn't created my normal end-of-year slideshow. The holidays took a lot out of me this year and didn't give back as fully as usual. That's fine - not every Holiday season can be totally filled with Christmas wonder. I think I am finally old enough to realize that - to realize that it's even good to have scrooge-y years.

I could have helped myself if only there'd been more down time, more introspection and reflection. But that would have meant saying 'no' to a lot of really fun things.

When I stayed home from a NYE party I really wanted to go to, I realized...I just couldn't handle one more fun thing.

And that included making my annual EOY slideshow. I usually make them for my own benefit, not thinking anyone would even miss it or notice.

So when Joel asked why I hadn't created the slideshow, he implored me, "You have to! I love those."

So I set to work. And wouldn't you know it, the nearly 20 hours required to put these slideshows together afforded time to reflect upon my year. An unexpected benefit.

As the photos of my life scrolled across my screen
As I fed my wanderlust with visions of my travels (a lot this year!)
As I relived the musical atmosphere that Joel curates for us so well every single year
As I touched again the faces of the souls whom I love beyond words,
I felt the deepest movement of gratitude.

Gratitude (and my red wine) brought me to tears. I have such a great life - my friends are irreplaceable and inspirational. My family, scattered, but fascinating, loving, and supportive. My travels - varied and made of unforgettable memories. My work - a soulful enabler of a soulful and generous lifestyle.

So I created another slideshow in their honor.
I do these to feel the scope of my vast year and all its feelings and faces
into 10 minutes.
An unjust treatment, no doubt.
But still.


Enjoy.

-crm
movies year in photos yip
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Bowie Andromeda, 3 years old

At 10:17 pm, my Bowie Andromeda will have successfully completed her 3rd cycle around the star we call Sol on this pale blue dot we call home.

 Happy Birthday, chicken.

I could spend a lifetime trying to write about you, me, and this mother daughter thing we have going on. God, I hope I get the chance.


BAM 3yr old by candacemorris
bowie andromeda bowie birthday movies
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Year in Photos: 2014

Though it's sometimes hard to recall immediately
or difficult to feel, in one moment,  the full weight of a trip around the big star,
I know the goodness of these past 365 days in all my knowing places.

I don't say 'goodness' as in lack of bad,
dark,
scary,
desperate,
confusing,
or sad.

I speak good using a definition as it resonates in me
whenever I speak of anything.
All the parts of it wrapped up
and then seeing it outside of itself.
Reflecting and re-framing.

And the goodness, in my way of thinking,
is defined as wholeness.

The package.
Shit and all.

I see as good.
But only at the end.

Oh how I crave the wisdom only the end can bring.
And how deeply I resent starting out,
cold and weak like a slippery child.
Incapable of anything but breathing.
And heart-pumping.
And wailing.
Maybe, if I am lucky one,
I'll learn to feed and thrive.

But this starting always, always has an end.
Be it morose or maudlin,
I find ultimate hope in the penultimate
end.



YIP 2014 by candacemorris


I hope this year's goodness sits well with you today.
crm
goodness movies new years
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the perfect setting



We had just returned from a fabulous dinner at Bizzarro and from watching "Midnight in Paris" (which we adored! go see it!).  We came home to whip up some sort of mouse or custard, but instead became distracted by the delicious Barbara we bought on the way home, and the perfect setting on my camera to capture candlelight and sunset.  Forgive the slew of pictures; I simply had to share.
cameras date night dates
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for devon

As I type this, one of my best gals is on a plane to Atlanta with her son in tow (literally. she's 7-months pregnant).  I've prolonged the goodbye as much as possible, but last night - as the girls toasted her and assured her that she's going to be a fabulous mother and that we'll help her as much as we can - and more as she assured us that she's coming back - it became official.  So here's my tribute to the time I've known D.





With my own sister and niece gone, with Kelly having moved, and now Devon...and with more family moving away in the next year (Brian, Jenn and Olive are moving to California and and Tim and Julie are moving to North Carolina this summer), I am beginning to feel like it must be something I've done. 

The cosmos sure has a funny way of teaching me to love.

The theme of losing has been prevalent and deeply sad for me of late.  It seems that as we learn to love without expectation or fear, the more we practice letting go and accepting other people's decisions for their lives.  In the most childish way, I want my kin's decisions to center around being close to me...but in my wise-ish parts, I understand and truly desire that they do what is best for themselves and their families.  But God...it's so damn hard.  I'm quite tired of it and frankly, don't know how much more I can handle.

I want a relationally lucrative life.
This feels impossible when staring down so much loss.

I'm determined to claim the gain.


In other news, I am trying to drink less.
So pretty much things are depressing as hell around here.
devonly friends goldfrapp
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