The Great Unwatched: Legend of the 7 Golden Lawrence of Arabias

I think we can all agree that Legend of the 7 Golden Lawrence of Arabias (American title: 7 Arabs vs. Dracula) would be an awesome movie. And Legends of 7 Golden Vampires and Lawrence of Arabia aren't that dissimilar when you come down to it. A white guy in an epic war helps a foreign people figure out how to combat their common enemy, believing he's doing it without impinging his own Western values upon their culture, but totally doing it anyway. In the end, our white hero is caught up in the violence and the whole matter ends an ambiguous note -- the battle won, but the cost far too great.

Of course, one is a 90-minute kung-fu vampire movie and the other is a 3.5 hour David Lean epic about the Arabian involvement in World War I. But otherwise, you know, same film.

Moving on.

There's a theory of film criticism (the name of which escapes me at the moment) that suggests that the written word is insufficient for interpreting film, because it is not, itself, an audiovisual medium. I am not riding that train of thought (obviously, since I can't even remember what it's called), but when I watch a film like Lawrence of Arabia, I can sort of see the point.

I could tell you about the amazing compositions, the way that Lean uses empty space to evoke a true feeling of grandeur. I could discuss the complex political implications and the fact that its protagonist is allowed to go an entire film being very wrong about a number of things and the film ends with him being very wrong about a number of different things.

This is not one of my favorite films ever and yet I am humbled by the task of discussing it. So I won't. Within the next year, however, I will, I promise.

But it might not be in writing...

The Great Unwatched: The Twelve Chairs (1970) and Point Break (1991)

Two films I enjoyed for very different reasons.

The Twelve Chairs (1970)

Director: Mel Brooks

Runtime: 94 minutes

This a highly enjoyable comedy from Brooks (who has does a scene-stealing turn as an insanely devoted servant early in the movie) adapted from a classic piece of Soviet satire. On her deathbed, an old woman reveals that, years before, she had sewn her jewels into one of the twelve dining room chairs to prevent them from being confiscated by the Bolsheviks during the Russian Revolution. This sets in motion a race between her son-in-law (and former aristocrat) Vorobyaninov (Ron Moody), con man Ostap Bender (Frank Langella, brilliant), and a conniving Russian Orthodox priest, Father Fyodor (Dom DeLuise). Vorobyaninov and Bender eventually team up, but they don't fare well -- every time they come upon the chairs, a few of them are sent somewhere else with farcical precision. And of course, the jewels are never in the chairs that are left behind.

This is not a typical Brooks film; although much of the same temperament of humor (read: over-the-top, slapsticky, and occasionally juvenile) appears in his later spoof movies like Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein, here he largely avoids knowing nods to the audience and self-reference. He instead chooses to tell the story "straight", wacky though it is. Since we're dealing with some disreputable characters, it's much more satisfying to watch them fail on their own terms, something that Brooks grasps quite well.

Of all the films that I've watched thus far as part of this little experiment, this is the one I regret not having seen much sooner.

Worth the Purchase: Absolutely yes.


Point Break (1991)

Director: Kathryn Bigelow

Runtime: 120 minutes

I bought this one because it was referenced in Hot Fuzz. I'm really glad I did because now there's whole sections of that movie that are way funnier now. Also, it's kind of funny to see Swayze as a surfer guru.

Worth the Purchase: Woah.

Stats: 15/401 movies watched in twelve days.
Currently Projected Completion Date: January 10, 2010
Completion Date Goal: February 25, 2010

The Great Unwatched: Wanted (2008) and Dollman (1991)

There's lessons to be learned in getting too cocky. I promised my girlfriend we'd go out last night, so I didn't get a chance to watch anything. I figure hey, I'm ahead of the game, one night won't be so bad. Today I get a call from Mom that proves me wrong; she'd just found a DVD mailed to me a few months ago that she'd forgotten about. Apparently, I'd neglected to say no to a Columbia House Director's Selection a couple months ago and so now I was the proud(?) owner of Timur Bekmambetov's Wanted. So not only did I miss a day of movie viewing, but the list just moved up a tick. Brilliant.

Anyway. On to our feature presentations for this evening.

Wanted (2008)

Director: Timur Bekmambetov

Runtime: 110 minutes

Well, that was... action-y. Wanted is a kinetic, highly visual experience largely undercut by main character Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) and his sarcastic narration. I get that his life sucks, really I do. It just seems like a director as visually oriented as Bekmambetov clearly is could have more clearly conveyed Gibson's dilemma without leaning on the crutch of a descriptive voice-over. Gibson's snide self-loathing doesn't endear him to us and when he's picked out to be an assassin because his panic attacks are, in fact, superpowers (among other reasons), he reacts by freaking out. A lot. And it's really annoying. Of course, there's no movie if he doesn't get over it and start busting heads, but by the time he does, he has a long way to go to regaining the audience's trust.

Otherwise, the action sequences are appropriately awe-inspiring, if on the far side of ridiculous. Angelina Jolie looks like she needs a sandwich. The twist midway through is fairly easy to pick out, but if we're going to really quibble about something, let's talk about the finale. In the final showdown, one character does something monumentally idiotic, based on evidence that they've just discovered has been forged in the past. Furthermore, these forgeries have all come from the same person whose giving them said evidence now. And yet, they take this irritatingly, mind-blowingly stupid action. And the movie wants us to think that they are not only noble, but awesome. I don't buy it. No thank you.

Worth the Purchase: Well, it was kind of pretty?


Dollman (1991)

Part of: The Full Moon Archive Collection

Director: Albert Pyun

Runtime: 79 minutes

I think the best part of this movie was seeing Jackie Earle Haley, some eighteen years before he essayed the part of Rorschach in Watchmen, dropping the f-bomb every other word and squishing a tiny alien head with his hand.

I think the worst part of this movie was the rest of it.

Worth the Purchase: Nah.

Stats: 13/401 movies watched in eleven days.
Currently Projected Completion Date: January 29, 2010
Completion Date Goal: February 25, 2010

The Great Unwatched: Mission: Impossible III (2006)

Part of: Mission: Impossible - Ultimate Missions Collection (HD-DVD)

Director: JJ Abrams

Runtime: 126 minutes

I mainly own this one out of loyalty to Greg Grunberg and Simon Pegg. Both were excellent. The rest I couldn't care less about.

Worth Owning: Yes. See above, re: Grunberg and Pegg.

Stats: 7/403 movies watched in five days.
Currently Projected Completion Date: December 8, 2009
Completion Date Goal: February 25, 2010

The Great Unwatched: Three with Sonny Chiba (1974 - 76) and Diamonds are Forever (1971)

Too many projects to finish up to really get into too many details, but I've managed to get caught up to where I need to be. I had to pick and choose a few films from the other months to appease my girlfriend (whose lack of horror love nullifies about half the list), but we watched FOUR movies yesterday, including a Sonny Chiba triple-header.

Dragon Princess (1976)
Karate Warriors (1976)
Sister Street Fighter (1974)

Part of: The Exploitation Cinema Collection (20 Films)

Directors: Kazuhiko Yamaguchi (all three), Yutaka Kohira (co-director on Dragon Princess)

Runtimes: Roughly 90 minutes each

Three martial arts movies featuring Japanese action star Sonny Chiba, although only one has him in a starring role. In Dragon Princess, he appears only in the first act, as Etsuko Shihomi's father. The crippling of his character by a dishonorable karate rival leads Shihomi to seek revenge in this fun, well-choreographed flick. Chiba actually stars in Karate Warriors, which has him take on the Toshiro Mifune role in a modern take on Kurosawa's Yojimbo. The direction here is much more frenetic than in Dragon Princess and too many action scenes rely on a precocious little boy being endangered. Still, an enjoyable romp. Finally, in Sister Street Fighter, Shihomi searches for her brother, who was captured while trying take down a drug ring. Chiba is shoehorned in as Shihomi's able back-up. The plot here makes about as much sense as necessary. There's a weird obsession with dressing up the various kung fu clans in bizarre costumes (one gang wears large lead cage helmets).

One thing that struck me about all of these films was how goddamn gory they were. I don't have a problem with gore as such, but when I watch martial arts films, I certainly don't expect random intestines or heads twisted all the way around. Well, unless I'm watching The Story of Ricky or something.

Worth the Purchase: Heck yes. Cheesy martial arts films are awesome.


Diamonds are Forever (1971)

Part of: James Bond Ultimate Edition Volume 1

Director: Guy Hamilton

Runtime: 120 minutes

Sean Connery is back in the tuxedo as James Bond for his final film in the official Eon Bond series. It's a fun romp, but the series is clearly still trying to figure out the transition into the 1970s (it's about as bumpy as the one Doctor Who made into the 1980s). Jill St. John is feisty as Bond girl Tiffany Case and Charles Gray (in a huge smock) makes an appropriately campy Blofield. The hitmen Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint are deliriously over-the-top with their fey-ness (and my girlfriend informs me that they are the direct inspiration for characters on the children's cartoon Codename: Kids Next Door).

Worth the Purchase: It's Bond, so... yeah.

Stats: 6/403 movies watched in four days.
Currently Projected Completion Date: November 19, 2009
Completion Date Goal: February 25, 2010