Official Application for Republican Presidential Candidates

Best of Circle Jerk at the Square Dance
Originally published May 13, 2007. Now more appropriate than ever.



1. Name: _________________________

2. Occupation: _________________________

3. Name of yacht/racehorse/summer vacation compound:

_________________________

4. How do we know your father? _________________________

5. Race:
a) White
b) Other (skip to end)

6. Gender:
a) Male
b) Other (skip to end)

7. Age:
a) Iron
b) Bronze
c) Stone

8. Religion:
a) Evangelical Christian
b) Christian that doesn’t hate gays (skip to end unless former mayor of New York)
c) Mormon but not too Mormon
d) Jewish (skip to the end, turn application over, and describe your qualifications for State and Commerce Department posts)
e) Muslim (skip to the end and wait for the authorities)
f) Athiest (skip to the end and go to Hell)

9. Martial status:
a) Married
b) Plurally Married
c) Divorced
d) Married, Divorced, Remarried
e) Married, Divorced as wife lay on deathbed, Remarried, Divorced due to adultery during Clinton impeachment hearings, Remarried, Divorced after name came up in madam’s black book.
f) Single, neat, white, and definitely not gay

10. Have you ever done drugs?
a) No
b) Only to close deals back in the 80s
c) Does inhaling the Holy Spirit count as a drug?

11. Please indicate your average household income as a percentage of GDP: ____%

12. Did you serve in Vietnam?
a) Yes (go to question 13)
b) I really would have liked to, but I had an MBA to get
c) I protected our shores against Viet Cong sneak attacks

13. Why did you serve?
a) Wanted to defend my country against communism
b) Dad couldn’t get servant’s son to swap lottery numbers with me
c) Really, really, really wanted to kill people


ISSUES
For the following questions, please select the answer closest to your own views.

14. I ____ poor people.
a) hire
b) hate
c) hunt

15. How do you view illegal immigration?
a) A complex problem that must be handled firmly but humanely
b) An excellent opportunity to undermine labor unions
c) Immigrants are actually demons tunneling in from ninth circle of Hell

16. What’s your view on global warming?
a) We have to take a careful look at possible man-made influences on the environment
b) Hard to see climate change due to smoke produced by my factories
c) What part of God saying he’d take care of the birds do you not understand?

17. Do you support a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage?
a) Yes
b) No, it should be left up to the states, except in cases where states vote to allow it, then yes
c) Only if it includes provisions for stoning

18. How do you feel about tax cuts?
a) They stimulate the economy
b) They stimulate my portfolio
c) They stimulate my loins

19. _________ are the best way to prevent teen pregnancy.
a) Condoms
b) Condemnations
c) Convents

20. What are your views on evolution?
a) I support it
b) I support it, but I also support people not supporting it if they will still vote for me.
c) I support stickering every textbook that mentions it.

21. How do you feel about the relationship between church and state?
a) They should be separate...in most cases...although, really, if a pastor wants to advocate a certain political party, what’s the harm?
b) Religious tax deductions are a sign that God loves us
c) I would like to put them in the same room, give them some mulled wine, put on some Psalms, dim the lights, and see what happens

22. Do you believe that Saddam Hussein had close ties to the 9/11 terrorists?
a) Yes
b) Of course, they were all Arabs!
c) The very nature of that question shows how much you hate freedom

23. _________ are America’s greatest enemy.
a) Terrorists
b) Communists
c) The Clintons


ESSAY
In 50 words or less, please describe why we can never leave Iraq. Your answer must include the words freedom, democracy, terror, and The Rapture:

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________


SCANDAL DISCLOSURE
Please check any potential scandals that you may have:

__ Draft dodger
__ Tax evader
__ Received illegal campaign contributions
__ Visited brothel
__ Used illegal campaign contributions to visit brothel
__ Smoked meth
__ Had sex with gay prostitute
__ Smoked meth while having sex with gay prostitute
__ Used racial epithets in my youth
__ Use racial epithets now
__ Cheated on wife
__ Cheated on woman who I cheated on wife with
__ Technically not born a man
__ Paid for an abortion
__ Performed an abortion
__ Was aborted but lived
__ Shot old man in the face on accident
__ Shot old man in the face after tracking him for three days
__ Took wife to sex club
__ Took wife to sex club for our anniversary
__ Went to sex club on anniversary without wife
__ Unable to read diploma from Yale
__ Voted Democrat
__ Have acted like a complete hypocrite in my private life


I hereby swear that the information presented on this application is true and correct unless some nosy, freedom-hating reporters prove otherwise.
Sign or make mark: _________________________

Official Application for Republican Vice Presidential Candidates

Name: _________________________________________________

Date of birth: _____________

Date your political ambition died: ___________________

Race (skip if already white):
__ Black (please turn over and describe how you are non-threatening)
__ Mexican (include copy of birth certificate/green card/audio clip proving you don’t over-annunciate Spanish words when speaking English)
__ Oriental (please turn over and translate this phrase into Chinese: “Can we borrow a trillion dollars, comrade?”)
__ Arab (stay where you are and don’t move, dirtbag)
__ Indian (hi, Bobby!)

Gender
__ Male
__ Female (please attach photo, preferably in bikini or sexy librarian attire)

Age group:
__ 35-45
__ 46-59
__ LX-LXXXIX

Religion:
__ Christian

Marital status:
__ Single (notorious womanizer)
__ Single (notorious wide stancer)
__ Married (will your spouse hug you in public without monetary incentives Y/N)
__ Divorced (will your former spouse be revealing embarrassing sexual preferences in a forthcoming memoir Y/N)

Have you served in the military?
__ Hoo-ah!
__ No, but I’ve played Call of Duty
__ No, but I have no problem sending soldiers to die to keep gas under five bucks a gallon

How would you best describe your brand of conservatism? (Check one)
__ Profit-driven fiscal conservative
__ Prophet-driven social conservative
__ Jingoistic
__ Dittohead-istic
__ 50 shades of white male patriarchy
__ Tinfoil-wrapped
__ Overcompensating for some personal shit you really don’t want to know about
__ 100% pure batshit crazy

How are you qualified to serve as Vice President?
__ Was once told to go fuck myself by Dick Cheney
__ Have watched every episode of Veep twice
__ Can spell “potato”
__ An expert at speaking only when spoken to 

__ Always indicted, never convicted

__ Facebook friends with Koch Brothers

__ Could hit Russia from my house with one of the rocks from my head
__ Is this a trick question?

How would you be willing to serve this administration? (Check all that apply)
__ Sounding board
__ Dartboard
__ Scapegoat
__ Lap dog
__ Lap warmer
__ Whipping boy
__ Punching bag
__ Fall guy
__ Alibi
__ Food tester
__ Drinking buddy
__ Wife-swapper 

__ Body remover
__ Mouthpiece for the president (rhetorical)
__ Mouthpiece for the president (sexual)
__ Making the president look smart by comparison
__ Making the president look attractive by comparison
__ Securing votes of Christians who would normally chase Mormons with pitchforks
__ Securing votes of conservatives who wear American-flag zubaz pants 

__ Being a comforting presence at funerals for B-list heads of state
__ Being a vital member of the president’s cabinet because of ability to make really great sandwiches
__ Sorting President’s Daily Briefs by appearance of words “imminent,” “dire,” “swarthy,” “disastrous for re-election chances,” and “GO BOOM!”
__ Harvesting souls for our Dark Lord
__ Future source of presidential pardon

The president has just been incapacitated, possibly as the first stage of a major terrorist plot. What do you do first? 

__ Shit my pants
__ Cream my jeans
__ Ask to see the president and then poke him with a stick to make sure
__ Spike the nuclear football and do a touchdown dance before attacking Iran
__ Appear on television and reassure the American people that I am in control and fully capable of handling this crisis, all while maintaining a straight face
__ Use the event as a pretext to invade Canada and finish what we started in 1812
__ Put my feet on the Oval Office desk, light a cigar, and ask who’s the worthless, unqualified, moronic afterthought now?
__Start prepping for my impeachment

Do you have any of the following liabilities?
__ Desire to voice your opinion
__ Desire to be taken seriously
__ Use racial slurs as terms of endearment with friends who are minorities
__ Use racial slurs as terms of derision with anyone who is a minority 

__ Believe that military action is a last resort
__ Refuse to take money from lobbyists
__ Refuse to stop spending lobbyist money at sex clubs.
__ Become uncontrollably hungry when handed babies
__ Would be tempted to take advantage of gay marriage if it became legal 

__ Cannot account for all pictures of your junk

__ Enjoy hunting humans for sport

__ Think there could be something to this global warming thing
__ Unable to speak in public without a dose of “confidence juice” from pocket flask
__ Unable to speak in public without providing material for opening bit on Saturday Night Live
__ Have been known to show compassion toward the poor, the unemployed, the employed, women, minorities, immigrants, the sick, the middle class, Wal-Mart greeters, journalists not from News Corp, the gays, and Europeans

Please describe in no more than 50 words how you plan to occupy the ideal vice presidential space between “political albatross” and “makes a strong case for assassinating the president.”

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I hereby swear that I have answered the preceding questions truthfully and honestly, unless the presidential candidate wants me to change any of the responses. (Sign or make mark)

_____________________________________

Official Blackwater Job Application

PERSONAL DATA

Name:_______________________________________

Rank:________________________________________

Serial number:_________________________________

Height (in stacked bodies)_____

Weight (in skulls)______

1. Nationality
a) United States of America
b) No, really, just select “a.”

2. Do you have any Hessian ancestry?
___Yes
___No, but I'm pretty Aryan.

3. Religion
a) Christian
b) Jewish (please stop and accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior)
c) Muslim (please stop and wait for the authorities)
d) Norse (cool!)

4. Former military service:
a) Conventional military
b) Special forces
c) Death squad

5. Do you take drugs?
___No
___Why, do you have some?
___Only in the Barry Bonds sense of the word

6. Which of the following tattoos do you have
___Skull
___Skull and crossbones
___Eagle
___American flag
___American flag with skulls instead of stars
___Dagger
___Bloody dagger
___Heart that says "Mom"
___Skull that says "Mom"
___"This space for rent"

7. Have you ever suffered from any of the following ailments?
___Guilty conscience
___Compassion
___Not-for-profit work
___Voted Democrat
___Asked questions first, shot later

8. Are you proficient in any of these interrogation methods?
___Sleep deprivation
___Waterboarding
___Electroshock
___Electric slide
___Forced viewing of The View
___Playing "Sister Christian" at deafening levels until subject confesses to being a terrorist and/or member of Night Ranger
___Exposing subject to the elements
___Exposing subject to Paris Hilton cold sores
___Securing front row seats for Danny Gans

9. Have you ever been implicated in a civilian killing?
a) No
b) How would you define "civilian"?
c) I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the recoil of my gun

10. Do you have any legal training in the area of human rights?
___Yes. (Please discontinue this application. We thank you for your interest.)


PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE

11. Which movie catchphrase best captures your philosophy of life:
a) Terminator 2: Hasta la vista, baby
b) Apocalypse Now: I love the smell of napalm in the morning
c) Lethal Weapon 2: Diplomatic immunity!

12. Regarding the movie 300, which of the following is true.
a) I have seen it.
b) I have seen it and I bought the DVD.
c) I have seen it, I bought the DVD, and I regularly masturbate to it.

13. You cannot open a jar of pickles. What do you do?
a) Run the lid under hot water until it expands.
c) Beat on the lid with my large combat knife until it loosens or I no longer want pickles.
d) Shoot the jar with a shotgun to teach all the other pickles a lesson.

14. I would step over the still-warm body of my own mother for ________.
a) Jesus
b) George W. Bush
c) A five-figure signing bonus

15. It takes ______ to save a village.
a) a village
b) an insertion team
c) a blazing fire

16. Would you torture a detainee for information?
a) Only if I thought he knew of a “ticking bomb” and it would save many lives
b) Only if something in the room was ticking
c) Wait, when wouldn’t you torture a detainee for information?

17. Laws are _____.
a) made to be obeyed
b) made to be broken occasionally, like thumbs
c) made for people without political connections

18. You see some natives talking together in a part of town known for insurgent activity. What do you do?
a) Gather more information before taking action.
b) Gather more ammunition before taking aim.
c) Gather more coordinates before calling an airstrike

19. In the event of an "incident" involving the loss of innocent life, what's the best approach?
a) Reach into your heart and apologize.
b) Reach into your stash of hush money.
c) Reach into your pocket for a pen to change "innocent" to "insurgent" on the government report.

20. Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
a) Retired on the beach of one of the beaches I took
b) Halfway through prison term
c) GOP vice presidential candidate
d) Valhalla


LEGAL DISCLAIMER
I hereby claim I have answered in a truthful and honest fashion, and that I will deny everything under Congressional subpoena.

Sign or make mark: __________________________________

Official Supreme Court Nominee Questionnaire

FORM F-21-12-U

Please answer the following questions truthfully unless the truth will cause a scandal. Return the completed form to the nearest Executive Office/church/detention center.

I. Demographics

1. Are you:
a) male
b) female
c) a Democrat (skip all remaining questions and shove questionnaire up ass)

2. I am
a) Caucasian (skip question 3 and pat yourself on the back)
b) African-American
c) Hispanic
d) Asian
e) Chief Justice Wahoo

3. As a minority, I
a) believe minorities have the same opportunity to succeed as rich white people if they were no longer rich or white
b) want to overturn the legislation that helped me get my job
c) won’t admit it

4. I am a practicing
a) Christian
b) Catholic
c) Heb, er, Jew
d) terrorist/Muslim


II. Litmus test

1. My gavel is always
a) hard and ready to bang repeatedly
b) out of commission unless discussing the right to sodomy
c) ready to go both ways

2. The Ten Commandments should be
a) in every courtroom in America
b) in every classroom in America
c) tattooed inside the eyelids of every American

3. Abortion is
a) worse than the Holocaust because it kills non-Jews
b) the reason why all liberals should be put to death
c) a right of every woman that I will make sure is revoked

4. During a disputed presidential election, the Supreme Court should
a) make sure the votes of non-felon, non-welfare, non-liberal citizens are counted accurately
b) speed up the process before some “experts” can investigate
c) go out for coffee

5. Gay marriage is
a) wrong


III. Fill in the blank

Please complete the following sentences.

1. Arab-Americans should _________ internment camps.

2. Freedom _______ free, especially for_______, __________, and definitely __________.

3. Sodomy _________ result in stoning.

4. Immigrants must speak_________or die.

5. I wipe my_________with international treaties and rulings.

6. Journalists should be_________until they can’t feel their extremities.

7. When in doubt, _________ the Book of Leviticus.


IV. Judicial analogies

1. Interrogation : torture ::
a) ice cream : hot fudge
b) grass : ass
c) plausible : deniable

2. Coke : pubic hair ::
a) practical : joke
b) frigid : cunt
c) distant : memory

3. ACLU : traitors ::
a) New York Times : toilet paper
b) professors : brainwashers
c) Michael Moore : Stay Puff Marshmallow Man

4. Flag : burn ::
a) Lady Liberty : rape
b) Jesus : crucify
c) Rush Limbaugh : incarcerate

5. Freedom : speech::
a) Fox : facts
b) dreaming : day
c) Fuck : off


V. Essay
Please describe how and why the President should be allowed to do what he wants, when he wants, especially when he needs to preserve freedom by destroying it. Cite relevant extra-legal examples.


The Supreme Court is not an equal opportunity employer. If you don't like it you have the right to let the door hit you in the ass on the way to Canada. All applicants are required to pass a visual examination and correctly identify the hand that feeds them. All appointments are for life, but in the case of judicial activism, accidents can happen. Remember that when you’re ruling on whether Osama bin Raghead is an enemy combatant or a mystery guest of the Department of Defense.