Movie of the Week

This week,

ROCKY III (1982)

Starring- Sylvester Stallone, Carl Weathers, Talia Shire, Mr. T

Other than the original Oscar winning film, this is the best film in the Rocky film series. Before Sly jumped the shark by battling Russians and his own craggy catcher's mitt of a face, he gave us this fun, emotional and star studded battle royale. After beating his rival Apollo Creed (Weathers) in the thrilling climax of Rocky II, Rocky Balboa is now a rich, well groomed and popular champion, having won ten more title defenses. He lives with his wife Adrian (Shire) and son, as well as his trainer Mickey (Burgess Meredith) and brother-in-law Paulie (Burt Young). Everything is going well for Rocky, until a new challenger rears his mohawked head.

That challenger is Clubber Lang (Mr. T) a brutal bruiser who has one goal, to take Rocky down. Rocky is more than willing to accept the challenge, but finds out that his last few fights had been against lesser opponents that Mickey had handpicked. Mickey cautions Rocky about taking on Lang because of his ability and hunger, but they agree to the fight anyway. Things go awry and Rocky loses on multiple fronts. Deep in despair, he turns to Apollo to help him get back his 'eye of the tiger' in order to defeat Lang in a rematch.

In a way, this film should have been the last in the series because it brings the story full circle. The two former rivals teaming up and working together to defeat a bigger, badder opponent would have made a great ending. The cast all bring their A-games, and Mr. T proves to be a powerful villain and has some of the greatest lines in sports movie history. Try to forget the silly, and sometimes awful chapters in the Rocky saga that follow, and pretend, just for a moment that it all ended with Rocky and Apollo, as friends, in the ring for one last bout.

Things to watch for-

Hulk Hogan as Thunderlips
Sly's brother Frank as the groovy training singer
The great song 'Eye of the Tiger' by Survivor
Many a training montage
Rocky's many endorsements

" I'm gonna torture him. I'm gonna crucify him. Real bad."

Now is the Time to Pretend

There are many film series that I am happy to call myself a fan of, Star Trek, James Bond, Star Wars, Batman, Rocky, etc. However, within some of the great series lie a movie or two or three that suck so much you wish they had never made it. I can say that there are many films that I wish I could erase from my memory and fabricate something less awful in my mind in their place. I have worked very hard to eradicate any vestiges of these films from my mind, and you probably should too.

Here is a list of some of the films that need to be repressed.

X-MEN THE LAST STAND

The first 2 X-Men movies were great, and really made the comic book genre relevant in real life. Unlike other superhero flicks, the X-Men films were seemingly grounded in reality and the actors (Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Hugh Jackman) brought a credibility that set the bar for the new Batman films. I was so hungry to see the next installment after the Star Trek II-esque ending of X2, but could not have been more disappointed with the result. Brett Ratner took over the reins from Bryan Singer and led a great franchise into the toilet. Why? Why did Singer have to leave to make a crappy Superman movie? Only he knows, and now we are stuck pretending that The Last Stand didn't kill off Cyclops, Xavier and leave Magneto powerless. Thanks for nothing, Ratner.

SPIDERMAN 3

Again, two strong outings in a comic book series left me feeling optimistic for number 3, but again I was sooo wrong. Spiderman 3 has even less of an excuse to be awful than X-Men 3 because of the fact that the same team that brought us 1 and 2 came back to make 3. Sam Raimi did his actors no favors by muddying up the story with not one, not two, but three villians (New Goblin, Sandman and Venom) when each could have stood on their own. Also, Topher Grace stunk, as did Snaggletooth (Kirsten Dunst) who lobbied to have her character sing in the movie. What a mistake. They're planning a fourth film, but I'm not rushing to see it.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

Where to begin? George Lucas has been on my shit list for so long now that I scarcely remember when I admired him for his early work. Nineteen years after the last Indy film, they made what can only be described as a cinematic stillborn. I wish I could abort the memory of the film because it effectively raped my childhood. I grew up on Indiana Jones, and dressed as him for Halloween more than once, but when I saw this film it was like watching somebody murder Santa Claus. I can't even get into specifics because it was so bad, but just let me say that in no universe, real or otherwise, is Shia LeBouf related to Harrison Ford.

ROCKY IV, V, VI

Not that I don't appreciate Dolph Lundgren's work, but they should have stopped after Rocky III. The end of the film where Rocky and Apollo fight alone in Mickey's gym is a perfect coda to the series. Even though I will watch Rocky pummel Ivan Drago when it comes on T.V., I swear I will never own anything but the first three films. Sly could never top Mr. T and Hulk Hogan as opponents even if he tried for 100 years.