Home Is Where the Haunting Is

We haven't had a Shortening yet without evil dolls, and damned if we're going to start now!

Dedicated readers might be curious as to why I've never before used this space to tackle this horror decade's most prominent porcelain villain. Part of may stem from the fact that Annabelle, you know, doesn't actually DO anything. 

It's kind of beautiful, and if you really want to dive deeper into just how grand a dame this toy is, I urge you to read Final Girl blogger Stacie Ponder's brilliant essay on the subject. 

Now obviously, I don't mind a doll that does nothing. Observe my complete adoration with Cathy's Curse and you'll understand that sometimes, a creepy pile of fabric with a face is enough in itself without Chucky-esque one-liners. And the truth is, I've genuinely enjoyed the first two Annabelle movies. So why not continue the journey?

Quick Plot: Beginning just a few minutes following the events of the first Annabelle, Lorraine and Ed Warren have successfully transported the titular doll to their basement of horrors. Locked behind blessed church glass, she sits back and waits.

The Warrens are called out of town to do some ghost hunting, leaving their daughter Judy (last year's Shortening queen, The Bad Seed/The Haunting of Hill House's Mckenna Grace) in the care of kind teenage babysitter Mary Ellen (Jumanji's delightful Madison Iseman). While Mary Ellen was hoping to play some board games and bake a birthday cake for the lonely Judy, her wilder best friend Daniela shows up with other plans. 

And roller skates.

I can't imagine what world we live in where a ten-year-old girl can put on shoes with wheels for the first time in her LIFE and only manage to have one fall around the block. But perhaps the PTSD from the one time I attempted to roller boogie in the 4th grade just still burns.

Anyway, Daniela is eager to explore the Warrens' collection in the hopes of finding some kind of communication line to her recently deceased father. Naturally, she ends up freeing our favorite blond in the process, along with a whole batch of demons, ghosts, and for good measure, CGI werewolves.

Making his directorial debut, Gary Dauberman (who penned all three installments) creates a very stable PG-13 haunted house feel that should come across as a far bigger compliment than it might sounds. While The Conjuring universe has had its highs and lows, the Annabelle series has, for me, been consistently enjoyable. 

Even if the doll doesn't do sh$t.

With Annabelle Comes Home (or Annabelle: Homecoming, as I've been calling it for last year), Dauberman gives us what I affectionally call slumber party horror. Stakes are raised and the cast sells the terror, but at a certain point, the comfort level of (SPOILER ALERT) knowing that your extremely likable, extremely young cast is going to be okay. 

There's a place for hard, cruel horror, and another for spooky jump scares with heart. When done well, that latter spot is a darn good time.

High Points

There was a point early on in Annabelle Comes Home where I worried we'd be following a very dumb and slightly cruel teenager, but one of the nicest things about this film is that its characters are generally nice. It's amazing how far that goes for a film

Low Points

I know there are many real-life people who have issues with the actual Warrens, but fictionally, it's hard to accept that a couple who've spent their lives dealing with supernatural horrors would be so casual as to trust a teenager and a mere deadbolt to supervise their daughter and a house full of evil objects

If you can't nail the design (particularly a CGI one) of a werewolf, think very, very hard about whether it's worth including one in your film

Lessons Learned

The law of Checkhov's inhaler never fails

There's no such thing as enticing pizza in the horror genre

The art of wooing involves rock 'n roll

Rent/Bury/Buy

Annabelle Comes Home isn't groundbreaking, but it's a solid romp that I found incredibly satisfying. As a franchise, it's taken an interesting journey in focusing on adults, children, and now teenagers. I'll be curious to see where it goes next. 

Always Room For Growth

Let's get one thing straight: I will fight to the point of near death over the honor of 1956's The Bad Seed. It is brilliant, chilling, funny, smart, and simply the best.

Now let's slap that Lifetime Flowers In the Attic filter on a retelling and see what happens with Rob Lowe at the helm.

Quick Plot: Emma Grossman is a precocious 9-year-old whose current life goal is to win the citizenship medal in her exclusive private school (which for some Lifetime set availability reason, is set inside the kind of castle-esque manor best suited for wedding photos). When poor pubic speaker Milo wins instead, Emma's blue eyes narrow with the kind of ice cold fury that sends unsuspecting third graders to their deaths.

Widowed dad David (double duty puller Lowe) is a caring and concerned parent, but one also busy being the sole breadwinner with the (again) very Lifetime-ish profession of wildly successful furniture designer. He hires a carefree ex-snowboarder named Chloe as Emma's nanny, which briefly works out well since both sitter and charge are complete sociopaths.

That's right: if The Bad Seed didn't scream Lifetime to you at first glance, adding an eager-to-seduce pill-popping blond certainly helps. Not surprisingly, this is not the most subtle of remakes. While we don't get Rhoda Penmark's signature pigtails and tap shoes, we do get weaponized wasps' nests and poisoned hot chocolate, not to mention the rare "special appearance" credit that is ACTUALLY special because it's PATTY MCCORMACK AS A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST.

This is the kind of film that follows the shot of a young woman being burned to death with a closeup of a fancy restaurant char broiling a fine steak. Subtlety rarely finds its way onto this network, and if anything, I wish Lowe pushed even higher over the top. Ultimately, we're left with a mild missed opportunity, but for all the woes we have about the time we're living in, the fact that we have a Bad Seed movie that includes Patty McCormack winking at the camera shows some positivity after all.

High Points

I've enjoyed screenwriter Barbara Marshall (Viral, Wish Upon)'s work immensely thus far, and while The Bad Seed does feel a tad Lifetime-limited, little touches, like Emma being a huge Shirley Temple fangirl, really show a special touch

Low Points

The Bad Seed is certainly not the first film to do this but it does give me an excuse to voice my hatred of water shots that insist on using liquid drops on the camera lens.I get what it's TRYING to do, but really, all it does for me is draw attention to the fact that what I'm watching is a product being filmed

Lessons Learned

Public speaking and spelling are not skills measured for citizenship

Some things never go out of style, be they class medals or little pink electric chairs

Always count your Xanax

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Bad Seed aired on Lifetime, so it's really only findable via your On Demand cable provider at this point in time. It never quite reaches the campy heights you (okay, I) want, but it's fun, disposable entertainment that hits most of the required notes. I certainly would have preferred a little more piano playing and pigtails, but my standards are obviously quite high. 

Broody Seeds

HEY! I'M TALKING TO YOU!

Just wanted to send out a friendly reminder that I also host a podcast. And more importantly, this week, I host a podcast about The Brood and The Bad Seed. Listen via iTunes or whatever fancy dancy technology you use. 

Bottoms up!

De-Filed!

April 16th is a day most celebrated by CPAs relieved to end the hellish tax season, but for those off-the-books employees, it's just another 24 hours of cash payments without government interference. Of course, under the table occupations come with their own drawbacks in addition to the benefits--not legal, of course--that one should always consider before biting a thumb at Uncle Sam.

But gee, how can I possibly know which unofficial careers are hazardous? Considering this is a column devoted to horror movies, do you really have to ask?

Graverobbing

As Seen In: I Sell the Dead, Repo! The Genetic Opera

Perks: Depending on the climate, the joy of working outdoors; coworkers won’t annoy you with personal calls or gum snapping

Cons: The smell of rotting flesh; the occasional zombie uprising; vicious wars with Irish street gangs; likely STDs contracted from client Paris Hilton

Babysitting

As Seen In: Halloween, House of the Devil, When a Stranger Calls, The Pit

Perks: Free reign on a stranger’s kitchen; access to cable TV; that feeling of power you can relish in dangling early bedtime over weaker beings

Cons: Becoming the target of a super efficient slasher, dealing with bratty, occasionally dirty-minded rugrats with Svengali-esque teddy bears

Handyman

As Seen In: The Beyond, The Bad Seed, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

Perks: There’s always a new task to tackle

Cons: Dealing with shoddy non-OSHA certified ladders can easily cause fatal falls over the gates of hell; Competition with other househelp can lead to legal woes; Disagreements with employers’ children never ends in your favor

Artist

As Seen In: Spiral, Fear of Clowns, The Driller Killer, The Collector (1965)

Perks: Get beautiful women to stare at you seductively in progressively less clothing each week; Host gallery openings where you can meet wealthy single men

Cons: Being stalked by topless clowns; Being kidnapped by creepy Terrence Stamp; Feeling mooched off of by your bisexual girlfriend

Prostitution

As Seen In: Peeping Tom, American Psycho, Saw II/IV,

Perks: Great for those that prefer nighttime hours; Occasional wealthy clients can yield a decent payday

Cons: The whole having-sex-with-maniacs thing doesn't always prove worth the stitches and chainsaw-caused concussions; Being locked inside dank real estate filled with poisonous gas and six other ex-cons

Thievery

As Seen In: The People Under the Stairs, Psycho

Perks: Enjoying money and pretty things that aren’t yours

Cons: Guard dogs; Twitchiness; Karma

Camp Chef

As Seen In: Sleepaway Camp

Perks: All the oatmeal you can sneak; In a world pre-Megan’s Law, it seems possible to get hired despite a clear sense of ill intentions towards kids

Cons: Nobody misses you (or your cooking) when you end up boiling in your own pot

Slavery

As Seen In: Candyman, Underworld, Broken

Perks: Zero stress wondering what to do with your time

Cons: Angry mobs; Chains can chafe 

I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I'll stick with clocking in my hours. Sure, even the most straight-laced employers can be agents of the devil, but at least they'll lead a paper trail into hell where, if you're lucky, a union rep just might bail you out.