Liberty! Equality! Fraternity! Bloggity!

Missed Bastille Day? There’s always alternative ways to celebrate France’s favorite summer holiday, especially when it comes to horror movies.

Prison Breaks

Since the Bastille was primarily used as a high security fortress, it makes perfect sense to kick back with, say, Stuart Gordon’s Fortress. As a bonus, it even stars a pseudo-French Christopher Lambert! Not into early 90s sci-fi horror? Zombies are the universal language for making a stand against society, so why not queue up an internationally friendly undead film set during a prison riot? Of course, I’m speaking of 1987’s John Saxon directed Zombie Death House. It’s the most holiday appropriate viewing since Santa Clause conquered the Martians.

Rich vs. Poor

Without royalty and peasants, there would be no cause for fireworks this 14th. How does horror celebrate the tragic beauty of class division? Generally, with the poor kicking the rich’s ass or better yet, eating them. Wes Craven’s The People Under the Stairs has a nice ghetto vengeance on oppressive slumlords plot, while George Romero’s still underrated Land of the Dead teaches the wealthy a fine--and final--lesson on oppressing the poor from a glass house. 

I Love a Parade

The French like to honor Bastille Day with a parade and thankfully, so does horror. Scariest parade ever? The coulrophobes among film fans will rightfully cite Killer Klowns From Outer Space, where the full-blown devastation of the titular villain invasion is revealed via ticker tape marching. Alternative watches? I suppose I Know What You Did Last Summer could suffice (especially since it’s so seasonal). Except it doesn’t have cotton candy. And it kind of sucks. 

War...What Is It Good For?

National change, societal fixings, and occasionally, good movies. Sadly I come up empty in identifying official French Revolution-set horror, but its American counterpart The Legend of Sleepy Hollow has a nice flashback colonial touch. Something more current? Choose your battle. Class of 1999 features good old fashioned gang warfare (and psychotic robot teachers, natch). Something more epic? Three films in and those werewolves and vampires still can’t get along in the Underworld series. For a simple wartime setting, there’s always the historical--if still 70 years past the original 1789 anniversary--Dead Birds, an eerie and incredibly well-cast (Michael Shannon, Henry Thomas, Patrick Fugit, plus more) ghost story set during the American Civil War.

National Pride

Perhaps it’s a resurgence of past mentality (this is the birthplace of the Grand Guignol, after all), but something in the Seine is causing France to produce some of the best--and most brutal--horror films of the decade. High Tension, Martyrs, and Inside are easy recommendations but to best capture the political spirit inherent in July 14th, check out Xavier Gens’ Frontier(s). Part torture porn and part backwoods horror, this 2007 film is set in a near future dystopia where a few petty criminals flee a rioting urban French society (get the connection?). Of course, this gory little slice also features evil Nazis, mutants, and slashed Achilles tendons, If that’s not revolutionary, what is?

It should be noted that I have not one drop of French blood in my veins, so if you have any of your own celebrations, add them in the comments section and wave your flag with pride. If it’s any good, I’ll even let you eat cake.

Christmas With the Cons

I'm back! Chicago? Conquered. Museums? Explored. Modern art? Mocked. Beer? Imbibed. Hot dogs? Killed. Deep dish pizza? Ruled inferior.


And with that out of the way, let's swing back into what you REALLY came here to learn:

There was a time in my youth where few radical filmic propositions seemed quite as logical as genetic experimentation on death row inmates. Save the lab mice and learn from a real specimen, that’s what made sense.

I also used to want a Yoda tattoo and to name my first child Mabel, so let’s just agree that there’s a whole lot in our pasts we’re not proud of.

John Saxon, however, should take full credit for Zombie Death House, an incredible slice of ‘80s exploitation cheese brimming with the pungent odor of ridiculousness.

Quick Plot:

Vietnam vet Derek Keillor takes a job as chauffeur to oily mob boss Vic Morrettti (Anthony Franciosa), celebrating his employer’s generosity by boinking the violent man’s girlfriend. Naturally, no Italian stallion appreciates being cuckolded so before you can say mozzarella, the loose blonde is drowned and our default protagonist framed.

The film skips ahead past Derek’s trial as he awaits the electric chair. Inconveniently enough, those final few months get spent in a high security prison where Vic’s belly-shirt sporting brother rules the roost with the assistance of a boy toy and crooked corrections staff. As if the end of days weren’t bad enough, Derek soon discovers the inmates are being subjected to mad scientist Colonel Burgess (the multitasking Saxon) who, in typical zombie fashion, is attempting to hone a superrace of genetically altered humans. 

It doesn’t take long for a few test cases to get rowdy, and, in turn, a gaggle of prisoners to get mildly riot-y. Despite the fact that it’s Christmas and the warden is in the house, family in tow, these hardened criminals see little need to actually do much harm. A few blatantly settle down with checkers and steals from the mess hall. Apparently, spending the holidays inside a corrections facility beats ham dinner at the in-laws any day!

To be clear about Zombie Death House, this is a terrible movie. A great terrible movie, but an awful one nonetheless. Zombie afficionados will be salivating for the actual undead action, which arrives around the 45 minute mark following cheap car chases and Oz-ish prison politics. When it hits, it never really...well, hits. There are some shamblers, a few talkers, super-strong ghouls that kill via pushing men’s heads through bars, several arm tears, and more bad dialogue than an after-school special. 

In other words, it’s kind of great.

High Points

Um. In a traditional sense? The very fact that this movie exists?

Low Points

Aside from the illogical zombie science, clumsy actions sequences, poor acting, and inconsistent tone? Um. I would have rather had the kids die.

Lessons Learned

Always stretch before escaping a zombie prison riot; you’ll never know when you’ll be called upon to do an impressive backflip when fleeing an explosion

All females in existence have oversized blond hair

Smart blond scientist females can only retain their brains when wearing lab coats; how else to explain why scientist-turned-reporter Tanya refuses to remove her dangly cover, even though the sleeves can be easily grabbed by reaching zombies

Don’t fuck with a zombie’s Twinkies

You might as well wait until after your night of passion to break of your affair

Rent/Bury/Buy

Though no wise film fan should invest more than ice cream money in Zombie Death House, this is an enjoyable enough time well worth a beer-soaked viewing. Is it classy? Hell no, it’s the kind of movie where characters refer to females as broads and even the smart scientist gets a fantasy boob shot. If you want inappropriate prison humor and the occasional arm ripoff, cue it up on Instant Watch, tear yourself some Polly-O String Cheese, and eat up.