Academy Awards, The Way They Were Meant to Be

As much as they break my heart every year, I can' help but be an Oscar junkie. The forced smiles of generosity stinging the heavily made-up faces of the losers. Women tripping on dresses that cost more than most of the films nominated in the Best Screenplay category. A young starlet proving that either a) reading from a teleprompter is hard or b) she's illiterate. Jack Nicholson patiently waiting for the party to end and boozin' to start. The inevitable obituary montage complete with applause-o-meter, only slightly more tasteful than the typically garish musical numbers that try to force choreography on.

Yup, I love 'em, but you know what would make me love them more? If instead of this Vera...

We got this one:

Sadly, she never had a chance for Joshua, nor her fine work beating up a little girl in Orphan. Unless, of course, we're talking Doll House Oscars , where we judge the current Academy nominees the right way: based on the past genre films.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS 

Penelope Cruz

Vera Farmiga

Maggie Gyllenhaal 

Anna Kendrick

Mo'Nique

The easiest Oscar race, providing you're using the genre film formula. Mo'Nique may have played one of the most hatable villains of the year in Precious, but what else is on her resume? Half Past Dead with Steven Seagal? Should we just assume it's the same as Hard to Kill or On Deadly Ground without Alaska? Blah. Maggie Gyllenhaal doesn't fare much better, as the closest she comes to horror is being the subtle object of desire to her brother--real and fictional--in the sci-fi-ish Donnie Darko (although that is admittedly creepy, particularly if you have a fear of oversized bunnies or incest).Penelope Cruz tries to borrow some Oscar luck from Halle Berry in Gothika, but apparently some of that Catwoman charm dripped over because the movie is messier than Garfield's litterbox following a lasagna bender. Having not yet subjected myself to the Twilight series, I refuse to instantly damn the name of star Anna Kendrick, but her only other credit comes from an episode of NBC's fear itself, so meh. But let's face it: not one of these woman can hold an ice pick to Vera Farmiga, now mother to not one, but TWO genuinely evil cinematic preteens. Any woman who birthed the sociopathic piano prodigy Joshua is not to be trifled with, something she further proved by going head to head with evil Esther in the movie she SHOULD have been nominated for, Orphan. That’s right, I’ll say what you’re all thinking.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Matt Damon

Woody Harrelson

Christopher Plummer

Stanley Tucci

Christoph Waltz

I’m almost tempted to throw out all other criteria and just give my firstborn cat to Christoph Waltz, but that implies overlooking Christopher Plummer’s contributions to the horror genre, namely a straight-to-video Canadian slasher called The Clown At Midnight. The sight of Captain Von Trapp dressed like Pagliacci on a murder spree in an opera house trumps even a twinkie hunting zombie fighter Woody Harrenlson, Talented Mr. Damon, and Monkey Shining Tucci. Hamlet with a clown nose? That my friends, is a bingo.

BEST ACTRESS

Sandra Bullock

Helen Mirren

Carey Mulligan

Meryl Streep

Gabourey Sidibe

Perhaps the weakest selection on the ballot, as not one of these admittedly talented---if cursed with bad agents--actresses have any genuine genre films of note to their name. You could stretch the idea of Precious to call it a certain form of urban horror, but that's something of a cheat and by something, I mean total. Similarly, the ingenue Carey Mulligan needs an education in genre choices, since aside from what I assume to be a hard-boiled British mystery movie based on an Agatha Christie tale (I assume this because IMDB credits the title as Agatha Christie Marple: The Sittaford Mystery), she's got nothing. Sandra Bullock's 28 Days is often confused for another little film, but contrary to The Office's Pam and probably many a video renter without sharp reading skills, there are no infected cannibals to be found in the rehab center. For that alone, we'll discount any other genre cred she may have tepidly earned for The Net or, dear me, The Vanishing.  That leaves us with two of the classiest dames in pictures, neither of whom  really has a genuine horror to claim. Helen Mirren danced for Malcolm McDowell’s Caligula and cursed King Arthur in John Boorman’s fantastically dark Excalibur, while Meryl Streep racks up the deeply black comedy points for Death Becomes Her (an actual Oscar winner!…for special effects) and She-Devil. I suppose Streep wins an extra point for earning legendary (to us horror fans) director Wes Craven with a nod for Music of the Heart, besting Mirren and the most awesome child death of all time in Caligula, but it’s a lackluster win. I guess this really was a bad year for women in the movies after all.

BEST ACTOR

Jeff Bridges

George Clooney

Colin Firth

Morgan Freeman

Jeremy Renner

 

Now I love The Dude more than a White Russian made with skim milk, but Jeff Bridges, I regret to inform you that your fine work in such classics as TRON and, um, movies like King Kong and The Vanishing simply don’t come close to some of the contributions from your competition. George Clooney once shook his ebony curls all over the ‘80s in both Return to Horror High, and, far more impressive than any bloody scone eaten by Colin Firth, Return of the Killer Tomatoes! Note the lack of exclamation point in Pride & Prejudice, thank you. Morgan Freeman gets a solid vote for his grizzled Detective Sommerset in Se7en, but you’d have to be a vegetarian cannibal gone loopy from anorexia to compare anyone to Jeremy Renner. Not only did the Current It Boy play a believably likable military hero in 28 Weeks Later, he also crawled under many a skin with his creepily spot-on work as the titular villain Dahmer. Hand him the statue please (just fill it with chocolate rather than...you know).

So non-Academy member readers, any predictions on who should take home the fake genre earned gold?

Apoca-Party Time

There are a whole lot of ways the could can end, and even more films that document each one. Here's a rundown of a few noteworthy entries into the apocalypse.

Nuclear Disaster

The 1980s was a decade fraught with Cold War paranoia, so it was only natural for filmmakers to mine the potential of nuclear holocaust for cinematic storytelling. Interestingly enough, in order to fully experience the horror of what could have been, one must prop up the Lazy Boy in the comfort of home to see the two most terrifying fictionalizations: the ABC Network’s The Day After and the BBC produced faux documentary, Threads. Both detail the everyday suburban/rural world of the early ‘80s spiraling into a burnt, radioactive open graveyard quickly eroding the faces and souls of those unlucky enough to survive the initial attack. Threads--still not available on Region 1 DVD--is particularly horrifying in how it tricks its audience into following a young pregnant couple and their families, only to lose a few members with the same lack of fanfare as the rest of the world and tear apart the bases we expected to hold strong. In just two hours, this made-for-TV film takes us from worrying about the economy to reliving the Dark Ages, where the new generation of children speak in grunts and age faster than Ice Pirates in super speed. It’s truly terrifying, particularly due to the matter-of-fact presentation that shows the demise of society not as a tragedy, but an inevitable consequence of a planet at war.

Disease

The Stand, 12 Monkeys, and 28 Days Later are a few classic examples of devastating plagues, but for a fresh take on viral horror, check out Alex and David Pastor’s wrongfully-straight-to-DVD Carriers. What makes this low budget, but extremely sharp little film so strong is the particular point in time it takes place: after the outbreak but before complete chaos. Without any flashbacks or forced exposition, Carriers starts with a young group of smart--if not smart enough--survivors led by Star Trek’s Chris Pine. These seemingly normal twentysomethings and teens are armed with disinfectant and a single pistol, but also mildly afflicted with consciences still clogged with the empathy they had in a world past. Unlike most plague pictures hypnotized by sexy scenes of contagion and apocalypse, Carriers focuses on how a person must adjust to surviving a world with no mercy. By the end, our remaining characters have crossed a line and stepped into a new world, but not without surrendering--and, in a sense, executing--what made them human in a former life. It’s gripping and far more intelligent than its pretty-people-in-peril poster art would have you believe.

Religion

Whether you worship Jesus or prefer his work in Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter (a classic for another list), it’s hard to deny the Book of Revelation is one kickass read. Religious-themed apocalypses are something of a cheat due to the lack of real rules that goes with the territory, but Michael Tolkin’s 1991 drama The Rapture earns a place here for taking the idea of its title and exploring its implications through one conflicted character. Mimi Rogers plays Sharon, a telephone operator (a job which apparently warrants a horror film entirely of its own) who trades in her promiscuous swinger lifestyle for a Born Again baptism with a new husband (David Duchovny) and church ready daughter. Without getting into spoiler territory (as this is a highly recommended film for the thematically combative philosophizing film fan), let’s just say Sharon, a woman fully expecting to greet the end of the world with her family at her side and arms open wide, instead finds herself doubting her faith at an extremely inopportune time. It’s one of the most intriguing and discussion-ready films I’ve seen to deal with this (or any) big issue, and well-deserving of a watch on a day that warrants introspection into the individual at the end of it all.

Supernatural

While Buffy spent seven years protecting Earth from demonically-rendered apocalypses, John Carpenter chose to pit a mere insurance investigator (albeit one who previously took on velociraptors) against the god-like horror novelist celebrated by a surprisingly fertile nation of readers. A beloved, if messy apocalyptic offering from a brilliant genre director still in his golden years, In the Mouth of Madness playfully juggles a few big ideas about what it means when an entire population puts its devotion in one morally questionable artist. Carpenter had dabbled in the world ending before, but even Snake Plissken would be blinded (in the other eye) by the insanity of reality now ruled by a Sutter Kane, a Stephen King-meets-Jack Ketchum style novelist who loves blood and the color blue. Like The Rapture, this is a film as much about idol worship as gooey monsters and practical effects. A surprisingly thoughtful, fairly flawed, and incredibly fun trip into the end.

Alien Annihilation

The good thing about extraterrestrial invasions is that they’re kind of out of our hands. If a passing spaceship wants to blast our planet like it’s Alderon, then what can we really do? Steal our water or serve man for dinner, well, at least that’s fast and/or filled with plenty of fattening food to pad us out. Other films, however, take a more haunting and individualized approach to those strangers from other galaxies, and none are quite as frightening as Jack Finney’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Both the 1956 and 1978 adaptations capture an unsteady sense of loss, as mysterious seeds land in our neighborhoods--the suburbs and city, respectively--to grow into blank alter-egos of our more dynamic selves. It’s creepy enough to consider the loss of your soul to an emotionless (and never actually identified) being from another world, but what makes these films true classics is how easy it is for an apocalypse to take place inside our friends, family, and neighbors without most of us batting an eyelash. 

Zombies

Anybody worth their protein-filled brains knows a thing or two about surviving in a world ruled by the shambling elite. It’s easy enough to devote a few million words to my favorite film of all time, but Dawn of the Dead needs little praise from the likes of me. Meanwhile, Day of the Dead and Land of the of the Dead cheat the apocalypse with disappointingly upbeat (and slightly unearned) endings. Zombieland shows us a world low on Twinkies and common sense, thus knocking it down a few points when it comes to realistic survival techniques. For two recent undead films very different in execution, yet oddly similar in approach, compare the caravan of Resident Evil: Extinction with the somber team of The Zombie Diaries. Both focus on hardened survivors living off canned goods and their wilderness skills, and neither is necessarily a good time, but if you’re looking to tide yourself over before The Walking Dead and World War Z hit mini and big screens, you can always enjoy some vegetarian unfriendly feasting at the world’s most depressing restaurant: planet earth, post-Z Day.

This Land Is Your Land, This Land Is Zombieland

Anybody notice that sunny glow shining through the Monday blues? Was it a lingering effect from the full harvest moon of Sunday night? The crispy bite of autumn in the air? Or maybe, just maybe, it was the musty smell of crinkled $10 bills and stoic scent of credit card swipes mixed with the buttery aroma of movie theater popcorn.

In case you hadn’t heard, Zombieland premiered and results were good. Not quite Dawn of the Dead ’09 taking a bite out of zombie Jesus in Passion of the Christ good, but $25 million in October is good news for original horror humor, especially following the disappointing opening of the R-Rated Jennifer’s Body. 

Especially because, in case you haven’t heard the movie is pretty damn wonderful. So wonderful and nearly universally approved (89% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes !) that rather than do a traditional Doll’s House style review and risk echoing the herd or revealing spoilers, I figured I’d just throw out a few recommendations for who to see it when you see it again (because you know you will) and how to convince them to do so:

-Your children, because it reinforces the importance of wearing a seatbelt

-Your out-of-touch uncle because he’ll finally understand the difference between Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus

-Your sister, because the film heavily feature a close and sweet relationship between two feisty sibs

-Your Ultimate Edition DVD set of Dawn of the Dead so that you can fold the box and make it smile at the very subtle (possibly produced by my own hopes) soundtrack homage during Zombieland’s trash-the-wampum store scene

-Your mother, because you love her and want to see her happy

-Your clown-fearing cousin, because it’s time to feel empowered

-Your Showgirls enthusiast aunt because she’s never seen tassel turns until she’s seen them in undead slow motion

-Anyone you know, because everyone else is doing it and people don’t like to feel left out

You get the point. If there was one low point to first time filmmaker/my new hero Ruben Fleischer’s zomcom, it’d be that a gal could always use more zombie kills hinted at so wonderfully in the terrifically macabre opening. And Emma Stone’s hair looks way too shiny in a world where deep conditioning has taken a backseat to other priorities. High points? Woody Harrelson doing what he does best, the use of a Crazy Mouse roller coaster, constructive lessons that read like a live action reenactment of Max Brooks’ The Zombie Survival Guide, and one of the best extended cameos ever to included on camera.

Do yourself a favor and throw a few bucks to a good cause. See Zombieland now before everyone and their great grandfather spills the celebrity guest star and/or starts to rattle off Jessie Eisenberg’s rules as if they’ve just discovered the secret to life, which of course, you as a horror enthusiast have known all along. Whatever your reasons, just have fun.

And of course, be sure to limber up.