The Newlywed Game

Sometimes, you reach a point that you look at yourself with pride in recognizing how well you're living your life. Then you realize you missed the chance to spend your wedding night playing a Clue-meets-The Most Dangerous Game version of hide-and-seek and you wonder if your marriage is even valid.

Quick Plot: A gloriously chaotic prologue hints at a very deadly game of hide and seek, with young Daniel hiding his little brother Alex before all out Invasion of the Body Snatchers 1978-ing the hider, a tuxedoed groom about to meet a grisly fate.

Cut to 30 years later, when little Alex Le Domas is all grown up and getting hitched to Grace. Where Alex comes from an esteemed family who built their immense wealth on the gaming industry, Grace grew up in foster homes, never knowing what it meant to belong. Her wedding day is edgy but successful, as expensively dressed in-law after expensively dressed in-law welcomes her to her new clan.

Of course, like any marriage ritual, there are important aspects of tradition that must be honored. In the case of the Le Domas estate, no new entry into the family is accepted until he or she plays a game at the stroke of midnight. It could be an innocent round of checkers or old maid, but if the newlywed draws the “hide or seek” card, the evening gets a tad more complicated…as in, the entire family must catch the hider and sacrifice him or her to their ancestor before the sun rises.

Hey, I planned a wedding: sh*t gets intense.

Grace wastes no time accepting just how dire her situation is, and while Alex is doing his best to help save his new wife, an entire armed extended family with their own lives on the line is indeed a force to be reckoned with. Thankfully, they’re stuck using antiquated weaponry and in some cases, limited by a long day’s worth of cocaine and whiskey. Still, Grace has her work cut out for her.

For all the years of horror fans grumbling about remakes and unwanted sequels, what a fine age to be living in when we get a fairly steady flow of theatrically released genre films built on original premises. Based on a screenplay by Guy Busick and R. Christopher Murphy and directed by Southbound (and to less exciting extent, The Devil’s Due)’s Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett, Ready Or Not has a fresh energy met well by its quick pacing.

The cast certainly helps. With The Babysitter, Mayhem, and the mixed (but well-acted) Picnic At Hanging Rock miniseries to her name, Samara Weaving has quickly built a wonderfully genre-heavy resume, and with Ready Or Not, she deserves the most bloodily bedazzled crown fit for an official scream queen. We don't know much about Grace's past (or even present, marital status aside), but it's impossible not to be on her side. This is the refreshingly smart and gloriously sarcastic leading lady we deserve.

Likewise, Ready Or Not is stacked with some wonderful supporting turns. Cube's Nicky Guadagni's Aunt Helene is a glorious creation, while Melanie Scrofano's overly competitive Emilie (NOT A CHARACTER I IDENTIFY WITH AT ALL) brings a wonderfully manic energy to the proceedings. On the slightly more serious end, Adam Brody's Daniel gets a surprising arc, while Andie MacDowell's manages to create a full character history with just a few quick conversations as Grace's sympathetic-to-a-point mother-in-law. It's a genuine delight to watch this family unravel.

Ready Or Not will probably make you laugh more than jump, but it's still an incredibly satisfying genre film. For the most part, Bettinelli-Olpuin and Gillett treat the material with a smart weight. Real lives--and a family dynasty--are at stake, making most of the hunt feel heavy even when its rich, often airheaded villains end up bumbling fools. It's quite a smart tone, especially for a wide theatrical release.

High Points

Is there a contract with the devil somewhere in your antique weapons closet that keeps Samara Weaving acting in horror movies for eternity? Also, do you have a pen?

Low Points
Look, I’m not saying I didn’t laugh when the Robert Palmer-looking maids met their unlucky fates, but there is a certain level of cruelty that might have deserved a little more of a commentary

Lessons Learned
In case you’ve never seen a horror film set in a Victorian mansion, allow me to confirm that dumbwaiters are never safe spaces

Always pack a comfortable, quiet pair of sneakers for whatever may come up on your honeymoon

Never trust a wealthy child

Hide/Seek

I had a darn good time with Ready Or Not, and would encourage any horror fan who wants to support creative, quality genre fare to buy a ticket. 

Death of a Cheerleader

 
It’s a rare Oscar winner that would follow and Academy awarded screenplay with a blood-soaked horror movie set in high school, but the prom queen of 2008’s Sundance did just that with Jennifer’s Body. Written by Juno scribe Diablo Cody and directed by Girlfight’s Karyn Kasuma, this bouncy pseudo horror has a refreshingly high dose of estrogen behind its production. 


That doesn't make it a particularly good (certainly not well directed) film, but despite the late-nite cable title, retro 80s poster art dying to make messy backseat love to a VHS (above, and I actually really dig it), and the abundance of near-nude Megan Fox skin, it's important to note that Jennifer's Body does try a few new things in marrying snappy high school humor with  a throwback horror style. 

Quick Plot: Despite their differences, mousey Needy (Amanda Seyfried) and hot cadet squad captain Jennifer (Megan Fox) remain lifelong BFFs, as proven by their matching heart necklaces. While Needy would prefer a quiet night in with her pet ferret or sweet boyfriend (you know he’s a catch because he went to Super Target to buy the spiral textured condoms so “it feels good for girls”), she agrees to accompany Jennifer to the local bar to see the hot new band from “the city” (which, from Long Island to the Alaska, is like, so the way suburban kids describe the nearest metropolis). Jennifer flirts her way into the sights of the lead singer (a hilarious Adam Brody) who in turn consults his drummer about the possible sexual history/non-history of the underage goupie-to-be. Offended, Needy dishonestly defends her friend’s honor before a fatal fire destroys the bar and makes extra crispy meat of most of its inhabitants. A shocked Jennifer ends up in the back of the band’s van, only to later show up in Needy’s kitchen with an appetite for Boston Market and an erupting blackened bloody wound in her chest. 

The next day, students and faculty mourn the town’s tragedy while Jennifer acts like a bitchy hot girl who craves the flesh of teenaged boys. And since she is cadet squad captain, she totally gets it. (Side note: once online for a roller coaster at Great Adventure, I overheard this pearly gem from a young blonde on a school trip: "I'm a cheerleader. That means I can do whatever the hell I want." Jennifer's Body comes extremely close to using this exact line).

Like a lot of current horror, Jennifer’s Body seemed to take some fan backlash when its very concept was announced. Diablo Cody’s style is pretty polarizing, and early trailers made the film look like 90 minutes of Fox teasing audiences with near nudity and sapphic innuendo. While the film is no masterpiece or milestone in the horror genre, it is an energetically enjoyable flick ripe for a Sunday afternoon viewing, sort of like a younger Drag Me To Hell with a little more Whedonesque puns tossed in. Amanda Seyfried proves that whether she’s slaying demons or singing to ABBA, she’s an incredibly likable and interesting onscreen presence (even if her “geek” look of flat hair and thick glasses is less believable than Rachael Lee Cook’s makeover in She’s All That). Megan Fox finds the right beats to prove herself more than capable of having fun with the kind of role she was born to play. Cody’s script is far less stylized than the every-line’s-a-pop-culture-quip of Juno, although a few dialogue duds land here and there. Still, the script is generally good fun without being forced.

But is it a good horror movie? Well, not in the scary sense, but that doesn’t mean Jennifer’s Body doesn’t fit its genre. This doesn’t come near the brilliance of something like Scream (which combined self-aware teenagedom with actual suspense in a way that’s hard to rival) but there’s a lot to enjoy, from the complex yet believable relationship between two mismatched best friends to the gleefully macabre humor around the world’s most satanically ambitious indie band since Black Roses. As far as actual fear factor goes, Jennifer’s Body is far more concerned with keeping its audience chuckling than inspiring nightmares, but those chuckles are sometimes quite nasty (and I mean that in the nicest way). It won't give you nightmares, but it will make you smile.

High Points

Neither gets much to do, but it’s still a treat to see Amy Sedaris and J.K. Simmons turning in shining little performances, plus an extra special cameo by one very genre friendly actor in the final scene

The actual sacrifice scene is filled with maniacally black humor 

Both Jennifer and Needy’s choice in promwear is gloriously horrendous. Whether this was an homage to the film’s 80s spirit or a comment on the misguided fashion sense of small town middle America, I like it

Low Points

Despite all the the cheer for the R-Rating, there’s nothing overwhelming or envelope pushing regarding the sex or violence

For all its buildup to the two climaxes, the finale(s) feel underwhelming and rushed. While we can laugh along with Jennifer and are certainly pulling for Seyfried's Needy, director Kasuma does not seem to have any control in building actual cinematic suspense

Lessons Learned

Small towns have bars; cool cities have clubs

Never chide a violent prison inmate for her dietary choices

Murderers of cheerleaders get a lot of fan mail


High school sex smells like Thai food

Bands that aspire to be Maroon 5 are never up to any good

See/Skip/Sneak In

I had a great time watching this movie, and only part of that came from the two 22 ounce glasses of pumpkin beer consumed one hour before showtime. That being said, there is definitely a segment of theatrical audiences--possibly a lot that are male--that will naturally have an aversion to mixing Mean Girls with demonic possession in a manner that tries a little too hard to wear its own cred in a too obvious (and acknowledged) placement of an Evil Dead t-shirt. This isn't the film anyone has been sacrificing puppies to see on the big screen, but it's a fun enough way to spend 90 minutes and a few months from now when it hits DVD, I can actually see some of the laughs landing more effectively. The fact that it seemed to bomb with theatrical audiences is something of a bummer; this isn't a new classic, but it's certainly more deserving of attention than something as trite and uninspired as Friday the 13th Part 12. 


Sigh. It always comes back to that for me, doesn't it.