Only An Anthology Could Make Me Rap

Anthology horror films are my Target brand trail mix. I'll always buy it, but only parts inside will work. You know what to expect--saltiness, twist endings, karma, too many pretzels--but occasionally get nice surprises that are briefly extremely exciting--chocolate covered espresso beans, killer African tribal dolls, corn nuts, Richard Moll. While neither is ever The Greatest Creation Mankind Can Make, both are a tad more exciting than their rivals. I'd rather eat a mixed bag of Cajun peanuts and pumpkin seeds than a mere box of crackers in the same way I'm happier watching Creepshow 2 than I would be with The Prowler. 

It’s how I roll.

Hence, when my blogging brother Cortez the Killer of Planet of Terror gave me the heads up that Nite (sic) Tales, a two-part horrorshow hosted by Flavor Flav, was streaming, you could bet my own personal VH1 dating show that I'll give it a go.

Quick Plot: Flavor Flav says something about something, some of which may or may not rhyme. 

His enunciation is poor and I didn't really catch much, save for him welcoming me to "the new movie, Nite Tales." 

I like when I'm welcomed to movies, although generally that happens when an usher rips my ticket or an animated box of popcorn dances before telling me to turn off my cell phone. But who am I to judge? I worked at a concession stand for 4 months and never came up with the right quip for when I said "Enjoy your movie" and the customers said "You too...oh wait! YOU'RE not going to the movie" so ultimately, I am on par with Flavor Flav.

Story 1 is called Karma, because like 90% of anthology tales, it involves comeuppance. We meet a quartet of bank robbers with twitchy trigger fingers who find themselves at a Texas Chainsaw-like farmhouse inhabited by the other kinds of hoodies (satan worshippers--I think--not Klansmen). There's a lot of shouting in urban style, followed by shouting in white Southern style. Unlike most shorts, the tale doesn't have a twist per say, although it's sufficiently told in an underwhelming, but competent manner.

The second tale, on the other hand, is not. "Storm" follows a group of teenagers partying at home during the titular bad weather, playing around with pot and Bloody Mary (the ghost, not the drink). Just as the power goes out, Tony Todd shows up dressed like a grumpy clown, a one-earring wearing police offer swings by to put everyone off-ease, and some of the prettier stars get sliced up. 

Now all this sounds fine, especially for a quick 45 minute segment. Except Storm has no concept on how to pace itself and just...keeps...going. As I've said before and will inevitably say again, the biggest crime an anthology film can commit is the act of dragging. The whole POINT of a multi-segmented film is that you take a story that doesn’t warrant ninety minutes and pound us with a complete arc in less than forty. 

Perhaps the problem is that Storm tries to be too ambitious, using not one but two urban legends as its basis. There's the early establishment of Bloody Mary, but ten minutes later, we may have well forgotten that name was ever uttered as the mystery of a loose serial killer (is it the clown? the cop? the kid that keeps talking about pot?) takes center stage. Then falls off the stage. But gets back up. Or something.

It's frustrating, mostly because it means it's not fun. Tony Todd is never not great to watch, and he does what he can to keep our interest, while the young cast flops around in ill-defined roles that we never care about in the least. I don't know what director Deon (Chain Letter) Taylor was going for, and while there is potential in the story's complications, it's just too messily done in its brief running time.

High Points

There's some fun humor to be had in Nite Tales, most of which does not actually come from Flavor Flav's mugging. Coulrophobes should snicker at the way the characters in the second story react to Todd's circus reject "DUDE! You let a CLOWN in my house?"

Low Points

In addition to the already discussed pacing, can we address the fact that Nite Tales (note that I'm already being forgiving of its stupidly spelled title) breaks the SECOND rule of anthologies, i.e., Thou Shalt Always Include a Killer Doll Segment

Lessons Learned

If you love deals, your favorite show is Deal or No Deal

Avoid trusting police officers with questionable diamond earrings

Everything scares Clay Aiken

Working in a bank will blacken your blood, literally

Cuss Police

This is the first time I've ever seen this happen on Netflix Instant Watch: all the curses in Nite Tales are muted out. No, there's no VH1 Showgirls hilarity with dubbed alternates. Just silence whenever a character curses. Huh?

Michael J. Pagan Alert!

He is to the Doll's House what Cameron Mitchell is to a Mill Creek pack. In 2011, I've reviewed a total of four films (and counting) starring this young actor, including one that he co-wrote. Yes, it was Chain Letter (the others being House of Fears and See No Evil) and yes, I'm convinced that we're destined to either marry or destroy one another. 

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is the second film I've reviewed by Code Black Entertainment (the first being April Fools) and while it's certainly an improvement, Nite Tales is still sorely lacking. The first story is passable, if a tad predictable, while the second is built on a strong idea but executed with the sluggish confusion of a dyslexic slug. Anthology fetishists may still enjoy the film and it certainly offers something mildly different in that regard, especially in following black thugs in Karma. I guess it's a must for Flavor Flav fans, although I also hope those don't actually exist so I suppose that means it's not a must for anyone in particular. If that makes sense, like a sixpence, but yo yo friend, I don't know what that mends, cause that's how I rhyme, I just say things that kind of sound fine, so go behave, I'm Flavor Flav.

I think I just rewrote the opening to this film.

Isn't It Funny When We End Up Killing Our Peers?

April Fools contains the same premise as about 9,218 other films. It just happens to do it with a mostly-black cast. So that’s something, right?

Quick Plot: A group of 17-year-olds play a typically cruel prank on Melvin, a bespectacled nerd and apparent “V-Boy” (it means exactly what you think it does). After Melvin is cock-teased and humiliated, the gang rustles football-star-to-be Scoop into throwing a football at the suffering dweeb’s rear, not realizing that Melvin just so happens to be leaning over something sharp and pointy. He lands throat-first, prompting the kids to rehash the opening scene of I Know What You Did Last Summer to perfection.

Why does this picture look so familiar?

“We’re graduating next year! Girl One has an academic scholarship! Girl 2 is going to work for her parents while managing her very own dance troupe! Guy 1 has a full ride to play football! Girl 3 is going to be a doctor! Guy 2 and myself are going to get entry level jobs and stay out of prison! We can’t tell the cops!”

I’m paraphrasing, but not by that much. The gang agrees that the only possible solution--despite one of the members being the good-girl daughter of the chief police detective--is to shoot Melvin in the head and stage the scene as a drive-by. Since there are apparently no pedestrians at all hanging out ever on the streets of Chicago, they do so without a hitch.

Fast forward to spring of the next year--you know, the titular anniversary of the previous April Fools--where everyone seems on track. It’s the perfect time to kickstart a slasher formula, with The Girl Who Was Going To Be A Doctor meeting her slow-motioned stabbing fate in the basement of a mortuary. The Good Girl Who Has A Full Academic Scholarship grows immediately suspicious and voices her concerns to Eva, The Only Girl Whose Name I Wrote Down and who is also known as The Girl Who Will Work For Her Parents While Managing Her Very Own Dance Troupe. 

The dance troupe is important, you see, because it a) allows us to watch synchronized dancing, a la the only moment of worth in She’s All That, b) it provides a much-needed moment of camel-toe and c) it offers the cameraman the hilarious challenge of trying to frame Eva’s behind during an intense close-up of booty shaking. 

Perhaps in exasperation at the very thought of watching Eva’s rear end continue to have a seizure, the script kills her next with similar slow-motioned fanfare. Cut to the Spring Jam, hosted by Special Guest Star Li’l Flip*, where the kids get shaking and Stabby McStabberson continues to get slow motioned stabby.

You may have noticed that he words ‘slow motion’ have been repeated several times in the running of this post. It is, perhaps, the definitive style of April Fools and while we’ve seen it in plenty of slashers, my theory on why it’s so prevalent is a little more utilitarian: April Fools runs at just 72 minutes long, and that’s including two dance sequences, several flashbacks to the opening death, several establishing shots that show location signs then carefully zoom in on them, a pre-credits film recap, and post-credits blooper reel. Between those things, about 40% of the film’s action is shown in slow motion. To be kind, it’s a bit stretched.

But is the film awful? Well yes, but so are most Pretty People In Peril slashers of its ilk. There’s something of a mystery with WHO the killer might be, though as the body count rises and suspect list gets shorter, the answer becomes obvious. The script uses some filler to round out the Final Girl’s character, mostly with the “I’ve never seen this before!” subplot that her mother recently died of cancer and her dad works too much. We get the obligatory “I wish mom were still alive!” tantrum, plus a lecture by the brilliantly named Obba Babatunde’s lecture on the perils of peer pressure. Once the killer reveals him or herself, there’s a mildly tense--and not at all mildly slow motioned--final chase and battle, capped with some nursery rhymes that I suppose seemed fairly menacing on paper. 

Best. Semi-related. Image. Ever.

The film is not menacing in the least, but hey: it’s 72 minutes long. There are moments of unintentional hilarity and even MORE moments of unintentional hilarity via slow motion, but first-time director Nancy Norman could certainly have made a worse film. This ain’t as polished as the not-good-but-competent Chain Letter, but it also wasn’t Unborn Sins-level bad. As slashers go, the fact that the cast was primarily black is certainly something interesting, though the story and execution are as rote as they come.

*High Points

The opening credits announced a “Special Appearance By Li’l Flip” as if it were quite special and more importantly, as if I was supposed to know who Li’l Flip was. It was worrisome that I would sit through all 72 minutes of April Fools without ever catching this celebrity. You can then imagine my relief when Li’l Flip plays himself and the film makes it incredibly obvious and special that we get the proper introduction to just who this petite flip is.

Low Points

There’s a reason I don’t really remember anybody’s name, and an increasing amount of alcohol in my veins ain’t one of them

Lessons Learned

When you don’t have the rights to use the word ‘coke’ or ‘Pepsi’ on film, ‘pop’ and ‘cola’ will serve your purpose well enough

It’s incredibly difficult to find a good tutor in the Chicago public schooling system

Diener is German for servant...and there’s nothing weird about a white doctor pointedly telling that to his black assistant

Open Question To Mortician Readers

Is it just standard to EXPECT that on April Fool’s Day, someone will play the whole ‘This corpse is ALIVE’ prank?

Rent/Bury/Buy

April Fools is as by the book as slashers come, save for the fact that it features a more diverse cast than the Hollywood norm. That doesn’t make it good in any way, but at least it has something going for it other than a brief running time. As an Instant Watch, you might get a few laughs out of it, but there’s certainly nothing overly special...even in its 72 minutes.