Scissoring with Sharon Stone & My Cat

Recently, it has come to my and some delightful readers’ attention that the 1990s output of horror cinema is something...well, different from other decades. It’s long been though of as a cinematic void in the genre, but look hard enough and you’ll pull up a few random pre-Scream gems and more importantly, a very different kind of nostalgia.


See, in 2011, the ‘80s are just funny. Camp counselors with one big earring getting slaughtered to post-disco beats? It’s like being tickled! The ‘90s, on the other hand, don’t yet have that distance. The actors *look* like us. They use a lot of the same lingo, even if they speak said lingo into elite car phones or public phone booths hunted down after receiving important messages on their beepers. We chuckle more and more as the time distance grows, but not so much that we excuse these films the kinds of dated errors that make the ‘80s so charming.

I have no idea why Scissors ended up on my Netflix queue, but hey, it’s got some genre pedigree behind it (director Frank De Felitta made the cult classic Dark Night of the Scarecrow), a fresh off of Mars Sharon Stone, and a lot of creepy dolls. Also, it’s the epitome of ‘90s horror for reasons soon to be discussed.


Quick Plot: Angie is a beautiful but frigid 26 year old who prefers the company of her strict psychologist (Ronny Cox!) and collection of antique store dolls to handsome single men or speed dating. Much like Catherine Deneuve in Replusion, the ice blond Angie easily attracts male attention that she has no idea what to do with. After almost being raped in her apartment elevator by a red bearded stranger, she meets a pair of Dead Ringers-lite twin brothers, both played by Lifeforce and Turkey Shoot star Steve Railsback.

Also, by the way, Joplin Zelda Rubinstein Intravia's new crush.

Twin Alex is a successful soap opera actor, while his brother Cole is a creepy wheelchair bound artist with an abominable haircut. Somewhere in the middle is Alex’s ex/Cole’s current cohort Nancy, who matters only because she’s played by Sheila from the film version of A Chorus Line.

NOTE: This might only matter to me.

As Angie begins an awkward courtship with Alex, mildly strange things start to occur but because of Angie’s own oddness, we’re not entirely sure if actions or her own fragile mind are to blame. Eventually, a faked job offer leads her to a Pee-Wee’s Playhouse sort of luxury apartment where she’s soon locked in with immobile furniture, angry birds, and a scissors-stabbed corpse.

Scissors is a strange movie, both in terms of plot and general feel. It was made by  Frank De Felitta, the man behind the novelist behind Audrey Rose and The Entity.  Whereas (in my opinion) both of those were great stories that wandered off into muddled territory, Scissors is a story that feels trite, then progressively turns bizarre, then silly, then dramatic, then wacky, and finally, rewarding.


Part of it does indeed come from the nuevo ‘90s nostalgia that paints each frame with mildly grainy and slightly badly dressed hue. Part of it has to do with the fact that the movie features about five extreme closeups of a creepy pig doll that seems to come with his own theme. There’s a delicious twist that’s more than ridiculous, followed by one that’s kind of awesome. It's ultimately the film equivalent of a box of Cracker Jacks, filled with handfuls of sweet goodness, evil little peanuts just waiting to ruin your mouth, and finally, an exciting little prize that makes it all worth it in the end. 

Historical figure trivia! Cracker Jacks' newest hit!

High Points
She might be somewhat insane in real life, but Sharon Stone holds the film together quite well, even when battling a bird

Low Points
During the opening credits, I was totally sold on the circus-like score. Bought and returned. The music of Scissors is, after the first two minutes, used fairly horrendously, with overly dramatic classical tunes practically raping the action onscreen, and I’m not just referring to the hilariously scored almost-rape scene


Lessons Learned
90% butter fat is terrible for the skin


All things cry and make a fuss when they’re lonely


A great way to meet an eligible bachelor? Fight off a rapist down the hall

Rent/Bury/Buy
I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed Scissors. At over 100 minutes, it’s far longer than it should be and filled with a tad too many time-wasting red herrings, but there’s something quite entertaining about where the storyline goes. 


Also, for those who care, Sharon Stone gets naked. Railsback, however, remains fully clothed. And the cat keeps her collar on (that’s not a euphemism; there’s a cat and it wears a collar. You’re disgusting).

So is that hair...

T.L. Bugg's Choice: A Different Kind of Audrey II

Following last month’s movie swap of Dolls for Skinned Deep, it seems Mr. T.L. Bugg decided to class up this joint with a film that has credentials. Directed by Robert Wise (the man responsible for The Day the Earth Stood Still and The Haunting, plus editing some film people always talk about called Citizen Kane) and starring Anthony Hopkins (best known, of course, for his riveting turn in Magic) and Marsha Mason, Aubrey Rose is a 1977 thriller(ish) that’s been sitting snugly on my queue for quite some time.

And thus, while I delve into the ‘70s, I’ve ordered my blogging buddy to watch a nostalgic favorite of mine, 1986’s From a Whisper to a Scream (aka The Offspring), an odd horror anthology that dips into all things great: American history, sideshow freaks, fountain of youths and necrophilia. Head over www.thelightningbugslair.com after a message from our favorite reincarnated two-named girl.

Quick Plot: When her mother’s car flips over, young Audrey Rose is trapped inside as it explodes, not before she pounds on the glass window and calls for her daddy through smoke-filled lungs. 

Fast forward eleven years later, where the wealthy Janice and Bill Templeton live on the upper west side of Manhattan with their almost-11 year old daughter, Ivy. The parents start to notice a mysterious man following them, a mystery that gets even more mysterious when he reveals himself to be Elliot Hoover (Hopkins), father of the late Audrey Rose and firm believer in reincarnation. He claims his late daughter was reborn into Ivy, a phenomena that may explain why Ivy gets increasingly intense nightmares around her birthday.

Of course, it sounds like phooey to the yuppie Templetons, who return home to their daughter screaming in a dazed sleep, her hands seeming to self-burn on cold windows. Only the voice of Hoover, calling out the name Audrey Rose can calm her terror. Bill is furious, both at Hoover’s nerve and his own inability to help his little girl, while Janice is torn between what she’s witnessed and what her logic dictates as impossible. 

Through a series of events, Audrey Rose shifts to an awkward courtroom drama second act. What begins as a kidnapping case turns into a citywide law crusade to prove the legitimacy of reincarnation. It’s an odd turn that certainly distinguishes the film as NOT being The Changeling, but it also starts to move us a little too far from the actual subject.

And there, perhaps, is my biggest issue with Audrey Rose. It’s an effective, extremely well acted and shot film, but it never seems to really deal with its central question: Who is Ivy/Audrey Rose? If, as the film seems to purport, reincarnation happens to most souls and as we know, a good deal of deaths are painful and occur to incomplete lives, what about all the others? And how would a family actually deal with a child that has remnants of a past identity? What does it mean to be the dead daughter of a sad but peaceful man while still being the happy little girl of two everyday parents?

Audrey Rose doesn’t really answer these questions, though it does offer some chilling development as Ivy continues to suffer from the memories of her previous life. An infamous hypnosis scene is extremely suspenseful, and the fact that it involves a likable 11 year old certainly helps. As a drama with thriller elements, Audrey Rose works fairly well, but perhaps because of its reincarnation agenda, it never quite jumps into the audience’s psyche.

High Points

As Ivy, the young Susan Swift is pretty terrific, skillfully jumping between happy fifth grader and haunted fire soul with ease

Low Points

...which makes it even more of a shame that her character is never really explored

Lessons Learned

A fibber and a liar are not the same thing

If your daughter is having violent night terrors, perhaps you shouldn’t send her off to boarding school

Bad things only happened to rich people in the 1970s

Rent/Bury/Buy

Audrey Rose is far less a horror film than I expected it to be, but it’s still an unnerving and quite well made thriller of its time. Though it doesn’t quite reach the levels of The Changeling or Rosemary’s Baby, it’s worth a lights-off watch when you feel like something serious. Yes, it suffers from the usual bad '70s haircuts and slow pacing, so if that doesn't work for you, I'm not going to force it. Still, it's an intriguingly odd little film that will make you ponder some worldly possibilities.