A Silent Scream & How It's Part Wendy's Pita

It's a slasher. It's from the '80s. It's called The Silent Scream.

That's my intro and I'm moving on.

Quick Plot: College student Scotty (Soap's Rebecca Balding, sporting a horrendously '70s mushroom do that makes Hayden Panettiere's Screfourem's hair look positively flattering) rents a room from awkward classmate Mason and his mysteriously grumpy mother. Also on hand is Scotty's suitor Jack, pal Doris, and rich roommate--so much so that he ties a sweater around his shoulders!--Peter. Before long, a few bodies are turning up bloody while the police (Avery Schreiber and sign of the movie apocalypse Cameron Mitchell) discuss the details over a blaring musical score.

The Silent Scream is a 1980 slasher, plain and simple. Like its genre companions, the film features a slightly tomboyish final girl with a gender ambiguous name, a secret identity of its somewhat (not really) myserious killer, and a few genuinely effective jumps. Unfortunately, none of that really adds up to anything remotely special.

Sure, it's nice seeing horror legend Barbara Steele (easily the best thing in the film) being creepy in a supporting role, but her character--much like the whole oddball family she belongs to--is never really introduced in any form that lets us know who they are or care why they're dysfunctional.

And as I say these things, I realize how poorly flowing this review is turning out. Perhaps it's the fact that The Silent Scream had a troubled production history, having been filmed and in an early Exorcist prequel move, re-filmed with nearly 80% new footage a few years after completion. Though the movie doesn't feel Night Train to Terror-levels incompetent, it does lack any solid through-line that lets us invest in the fates of our characters. Lead actress Balding is likable enough, but there's not one touch of individuality in Scotty to make us care about anything she undergoes. The final killer reveal isn't unoriginal, but for whatever reason, it's presented in an epic fashion that just doesn't fit the fact that we don't know these people well enough to even consider the significance of their deep and disturbing family secrets. It's strangely disjointed.

On the other hand, The Silent Scream does have its moments. The kills are executed well, and the playful use of a corpse is always appreciated (I mean that in the most well-adjusted way possible). The 1980s slasher subgenre produced far worse products. It's sort of a Wendy's pita (RIP) in a mixed buffet of McDonald's icky Filet O' Fishes and Arby's delicious roast beef sandwiches.

High Points

A flashback to an attempted hanging suicide is surprisingly disturbing

Low Points

Who are these people again? Why do I care?

Lessons Learned

The best way to seduce a sexy coed is to slowwwwwwwwwwwly take your shirt off and let her stare at your chest for approximately 45 seconds

When applying for housing, avoid dressing like a hippie slut

Rich friends are pretty awesome. Unless they’re dead

Rent/Bury/Buy

Eh. Hardcore slasher completists will certainly enjoy The Silent Scream as an early slice of nostalgia with some serious genre credentials (at least for Barbara Steele; Cameron Mitchell is actually in 61% of all horror films produced between 1970 and 1985 and 99% of the ones that are terrible). As an Instant Watch stream, it's not a bad way to spend 90 minutes, but in no way am I eager to revisit its mediocrity. Better than The Falling (most things are) but not on par with some of the true underrated '80s gems. Think of it as a cubic zirconia. Or a chicken caesar pita.

Why did Wendy's stop making these things again?

Throw Out the Manipulating Night Trains From Harlem! aka The Return of Mill Creek Madness

It's that time again...

For the uninitiated, Mill Creek Madness marks the not at all monthly post wherein I review an entire DVD from the magnanimously cheap Mill Creek 50 Packs. Up today: Disc 9 from Drive-In Movie Classics.

1. Night Train To Terror, aka Shiver

Year: 1985...extremely 1985

Warp Speed Plot: The most enthusiastic ‘80s dance party ever tells us that Everybody’s Got Something to Do (Everybody But You) and engages in all sorts of crimes of Reagan Era fashion, including, but not limited to the following:

Head bands

Acid washed jeans

Puffy pants

Pastels

Primary colors

Half shirts

Half shirts over whole shirts

Gloves

Fingerless gloves

Leg warmers

One earring

Off the shoulder sweaters

Streaks

And they’re just the framing device of a framing device as Mr. God (a man with a dangerous resemblance to Colonel Sanders, proving where the filmmakers’ sympathies lie) and Mr. Satan (think Christopher Lee’s Hammer Dracula put through dry cleaning) discuss three short stories in order to decide who gets to claim whose soul. This may very well be the best anthology setup of all time. Anyway, the stories are as follows:

1- A man gets in a car accident and ends up in a hospital that specializes in lobotomizing male patients, raping the females (I think; ‘rape’ may be a subjective word better defined as pawing and shaking back and forth) and dismembering the remains to sell to medical schools. I think other stuff happens but it’s incredibly not clear. Still rather awesome though, plus heads in a jar!

2- A very active narrator tells the story of Greta, a struggling musician with an aversion to pants, who leaves her job selling popcorn in a carnival to star in porn films under the patronage of a millionaire. When a frat boy falls in love with her, Greta’s life gets complicated, leading her and her two paramours to start attending game night at the Death Club, where a random assortment of folks engage in Russian Roulette, Saw style. People die in hilarious ways. The story ends.  It involved this:

which is fine by me.

3-A lot of stuff happens, some of which involves Nazis, Satan, doctors, and the best stop motion animation since Pee Wee’s Playhouse. An extended scene is scored to Holst’s classical piece Mars, the Bringer of War, which just brings me back to high school band. I actually have no idea what this segment was about, but it happened and I think I watched it.

Celebrity Cred: At this point, seeing Cameron Mitchell in a Mill Creek film is hardly noteworthy, but Night Train to Terror redeems itself with TWO appearances by Richard Moll (who can also be found on the hilarious Mormon propaganda epic Savage Journey) as a rapey orderly in the first story and a doctor (I think) in the third.

The Winning Line: 

“The electrocution death was the turning point for Greta.”

Now if that’s not a dealbreaker, I don’t know what is

Verdict: An abominable movie, a fantastic time. Apparently the three stories were culled from half-finished unreleased films, which is appropriate and wonderful. The effects are about on par with a second grade art class project and the acting, a smidgen better than  the film on the disc that follows it. Satan is played by Lu Sifer, God is played by Himself. My conclusion, therefore, is as follows: If you don’t see this movie, you will go to purgatory.

2. The Guy From Harlem

Year: 1977

Warp Speed Plot: I temporarily wonder if I was accidentally fast-forwarding through the entire film when it opens with a credit reel. All of it. I can’t tell you how happy I am to know the names of the actors that played Man #1 and Man #2 before I even know what the movie is going to be about. Talk about innovation. 

Anyway, back to the *story.* Loye Hawkins plays Al Connors, the guy from Harlem who I assume spent his Harlem days as a banker. Now, however, he spends his days protecting attractive women (sometimes ones married to powerful African politicians) from kidnapping and murder schemes, then shagging them, much to the chagrin of his wife/roommate who has a constant overnight bag for those typical sleepovers. The oddest thing about this marshmallow textured blacksploitation is that the film seems divided into two complete plots, almost as if The Guy From Harlem was a failed television pilot. 

Celebrity Cred: Skimming through the credits on IMDB, I can't seem to find one actor with more than two other film credits to their name. It's quite shocking.

The Winning Line: “Okay. Let’s get this over with.”

...says the man about to sexually assault a kidnapped woman. Has there ever been a more reluctant rapist? As his would-be victim, how does your self-esteem recover?

Verdict: When the actors are lucky, the best they do is step on each others lines. At other moments, entire scenes are just looped so that we literally watch a conversation happen three times, cut at different points in the discussion to make us think we are indeed watching an actual scene (was this THAT much easier than just reshooting two minutes of dialogue?). The movie is awful, but...you know...kind of great. Great in the way that our hero rumbles with a shirtless bad guy--whose sole character trait was that he lifted weights in every single scene--as his friends/coworkers/enemies stand behind, look at the camera, and alternate cheering based on cues. With liquor, this movie becomes Citizen Kane. Without...a damn good time.

3. The Manipulator, aka B.J. Lang Presents

Year: 1971

Warp Speed Plot: Mickey Rooney is B.J. Lang, a Hollywood makeup artist on the edge. As he prances around a soundstage with stuffed animals and mannequins (don’t judge, that’s what I call a typical Friday night), we soon learn that he has kidnapped a young actress named Carlotta in order to make her reenact scenes from Cyrano De Bergerac. What follows is essentially 90 minutes of Rooney trying every single trick in a book about insanity to act insane, with the cameraman following suit by speeding up the reels, slowing down the reels, filtering the color, reusing the same shot in a quickly edited montage, and eventually, just flashing back to what he’d already done. 

Celebrity Cred: Rooney, naturally, making us forget his horrendously offensive performance in Breakfast At Tiffany’s by donning blue eye shadow and being scary.

The Winning Line(s): ”Please don’t die. I hate you, just die! Please don’t die.”

Sweetheart, I know being kidnapped and starved is stressful, but realize that your manic pleas are only confusing your manipulator.

Verdict: As experimental avant garde cinema goes, The Manipulator isn’t without merit. At the same time, when you’re actually watching 90 minutes of aggressive electronic music that makes the soundtrack of Irreversible sound like Beethoven, the effect is just kind of annoying.

4. Throw Out the Anchor!

Year: 1974

Warp Speed Plot: A single dad PR fella heads to a swampy community where he quickly falls for a resident and decides to save the town by protesting the crooked local government and their polluting happy ways. I think. 

Celebrity Cred: A classy Dina Merrill and an aight (is that how the kids spell it?) Richard Egan

The Winning Line: “You’re quite virile looking when you’re asleep.”

Use it. It will never fail to get you into someone’s pajama pants.

Verdict: I have to blame myself more than the movie in this case, as it took me three days to get through this 80 minute family-friendly film. Part of it was a subject matter that just couldn’t keep my eyes opened, while another part comes from the simple fact that Throw Out the Anchor is just a dull tale. Unless you’re incredibly environmentally conscious or have an attraction to stereotypical sea captains, there’s really no need to give this one a try. Watch Summer Rental instead.

Cumulative Lessons Learned

Just cause a gal’s bored doesn’t mean she’s hot to trot

Always keep a supply of bloody marys on hand when city folk stop by

Harlem is the experience playground of all people interested in becoming detectives

Being a great actress with a Brooklyn accent is a huge turn-on for short little psychotics

Women who don’t wear bras are very into women’s lib

Everybody’s got something to do, everybody... but you