Dawn of the Not Zombie

The biggest problem with mummy movies is the sheer fragility of those ancient bodies. How can anybody fear a monster that’s as easy to destroy as a home-knit Christmas sweater?

Dawn of the Mummy makes a valiant attempt to change this, namely, by cashing in on another early morning titled cult favorite from the late 1970s. Not a bad approach. Not a not-fun movie.

Quick Plot: 

In ancient Egypt, a high priestess enslaves a bunch of servants in an undead allegiance to an entombed king. I think. 

Flash forward to “the present day” where a trio of bandits led by a very tall white guy (Barry Sattels) who finds everything hysterical seeks to rob the familiar pyramid of its gold. They laugh. A lot.

Meanwhile, a group of NYC models with less personality than a bottle of foundation and their jerky photographer head overseas for a sandy fashion shoot. Eventually--and I stress that word ever so much--they stumble upon the tomb being inconsistently guarded by the maniacally laughing giraffe of a thief and his googly limbed sidekicks.

Having watched my share of America’s Net Top Model (by share, I mean the entire series and I’ll thank you not to judge), I know that any wacky locale makes for great editorial shots. Seriously, Tyra’s minions once posed lowered in coffins, on top of elephants, and inside a meat locker while wearing nothing but raw steak. It was amazing.

So the movie. Well...to be honest, the first hour is a tad more compelling than Tyra Banks’ performance in Halloween: Resurrection. Nothing really happens, save for awkward photo shoots featuring close-ups of the camera lights slowly melting open mummy pores. There’s a weird hesitation to venture into exploitation territory. Pretty models skinny dip, but no skin is shown. A woman faints, is carried to safety, and later awakened by the man who caught her lurking in her bedroom. They kiss. End of scene. For the film’s time and nature, it’s surprisingly tame.

At the same time, director Frank Agrama stages some visually stirring moments of shambling monsters against the cinematic skyline of Egypt. Why the mummies rotate between limping, speed walking, and shooting across time and space to beat frantically fleeing jeeps isn’t quite explained, but quibbling with details in a zombmummy hybrid is a waste of time. This, coupled with the overenthusiastic dubbing, is WHY we love these kinds of buried treasures.

By the time we come to Dawn of the Mummy’s climax, i.e., the wedding feast to put all cocktail hours to shame, we can’t not be content. Yes, we had to suffer through an incredibly dull first half, but the film’s tail end offers one of the better noshing attacks I’ve seen in a while. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s great; just that I haven’t seen many man-eating zombie mummies onscreen.

High Points

As just mentioned, the wedding feast to inspire any Egyptian a quiet elopement is wonderfully executed

A rather messy paper mache-ish dummy who gets axed is...

wonderful.

Low Points

Aside from Rick, not a single character has any real discernible personality (unless you count clipping your toenails and being offended by the clipping of toenails)

Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead shares this irk: why is it that the undead’s faces rot like fruit left for a month on a heater, while their torsos seems to have the impenetrable strength of a Twinkie?

Lessons Learned

Seducing a model is incredibly easy, providing your have dangerously blue eyes and a hyena-like laugh

Comforting a model is almost as simple: just cradle her head, then roll it back and forth with the soft touch of a polar bear

Do I really need to tell you to always heed the warning shouted ominously by the black toothed witch woman who just happens to hang out near the undead?

Egyptian weddings are a great time as long as you don’t invite the flesh-eating mummies

Rent/Bury/Buy

Here’s a sample from the notes I kept while watching this film: 

disco AND folk music....yay...and ugh

lyric: “there’s a rainbow that suits the color in your eyes”

wow
something happen, please
dude laughs a lot
huzzah! feast!

That sums up a lot of Dawn of the Mummy. Awful for many reasons, and yet somehow charming for its time (1981), subject matter, and shy approach to exploitation. The DVD includes an entertaining and self-aware commentary from director Frank Agrama, but overall, this is probably more of a one-time rental to pop on when you need some low-grade cheese. Enjoy it for what it is. In the right mood, you won’t be disappointed.