More Proof For Why You Should Never Let Barbara Hershey Be Your Mom

Here’s the thing about the act of “going to the movies”: it lets you know what a ‘real’ roomful of ticket buyers actually thinks about virtually every beat. Sure, there are cell phone ringtones that defy rhythmic logic, inappropriate comments about after-show plans, and nacho crunching so loud it would make Marlee Matlin jump, but there is sometimes a genuine joy that comes with a Friday night crowd at a horror movie.

Thus is how I saw Insidious and really, that’s the way this better-than-you’d-think ghost(ish) story should be seen.

Quick Plot: A soon-to-be unhappy happy family moves into a creepy new house and immediately starts sensing trouble inside. Musician mom Renai (Rose Byrne, always sympathetic and sad-eyed) hears funky sounds over the baby monitor while middle child Dalton complains about bad things abound in his bedroom and dad Josh (Patrick Wilson) grows cold and distant. Before long, the boy falls into a mysterious coma and Renai is seeing flashes of mysterious strangers lurking in closets.

That’s the very basic setup of Insidious, and maybe all you should know going in. For the fresh spoiler-free review, skip down to the bottom or just hear me say here “I liked, didn’t love, but genuinely enjoyed Insidious and highly recommend buying a ticket.” Thanks for stopping by.

MINOR SPOILERS BEGIN

With Dalton unresponsive and the weirdness growing in the house, the Lamberts do something wacky (for a horror movie) and move. Assuming their real estate jenga cost them a few bucks, the new digs are much smaller and less haunting-ready, but that doesn’t stop an evil little dwarf thing from dancing wildly to Tiptoe Through the Tulips!

Yes, that happens, and it’s way more terrifying than Tiny Tim’s turn as a maybe-killer clown in Blood Harvest.

although looking at this photo, maybe Blood Harvest is way scarier than my memory recalls

I mean it! The dancing dwarf thing is ICKY and got the kind of universal “Ahh!” scream from my nacho-eating movie crowd that you long for with these kinds of films. For its first half, Insidious is incredibly effective as a haunted house/child tale. The solid cast keeps it grounded, central horror of a little boy lost keeps us caring, and two pretty dang incredible jump scares catch us at just the right place. It’s a GENUINELY scary film.

Even the ghostbusting comic relief keeps Insidious alive. At the recommendation of Josh’s mom Barbara Hershey (whaaaa?), Renai invites a trio of paranormal investigators inside. Sure, they’re clearly modeled on Poltergeist’s Zelda & Co. (or nerds from that OTHER Barbara Hershey possessed film, The Entity), but as played by screenwriter Leigh Whannell, Angus Sampson, and Dead End’s Lin Shaye, they’re quite entertaining and do a nice job of lightening the mood before the inevitable spookhouse finale. And that, dear readers, is right where Insidious goes from great little theatrical horror treat to good one.

It’s not that Insidious throws away its strengths in the final reel; it just doesn’t quite commit to what it had established. The explanation for Dalton’s possession/absence/coma-thing works fine, and bringing in Josh’s past hauntings adds a fine layer to the end. The problem lies in Wan’s execution and styling in The Further, the sort of astral netherworld trapping Dalton and a slew of other beasties. While individual moments are skin-crawling (ironing ironing ironing!), the setting has no real visual style or basic geography, something that limits our sense of place. It doesn’t help that the main villain that has been terrifying us for the first hour ultimately looks like an extra from the ballroom dance sequence in Labyrinth.

But that being said, Insidious does end on a pretty fantastic note and hey, for one hour, it actually unnerved me. That’s not an easy feat nowadays.

High Points

Just because I get tired of people whining about it, let us all give a little nod to the fact that Insidious is rated PG-13 and in now way does that ever detract from any of its scares

One of my biggest pet peeves in horror is how characters never seem to think to turn on their lights when there are mysterious noises and/or certain killers lurking throughout their homes. So thank you, Josh Lambert, for insisting on flicking on EVERY SINGLE light switch when investigating

Low Points

Generally, the whole design (or lack thereof) of Dalton and Josh's astral land. Now that I've said that, I'm envisioning an amusement park named Astral Land and my goodness, it's far more visually interesting 

Lessons Learned

When not eerie, gas masks are great for a go-to laugh

Pay attention to your children's art. It may be awful, but occasionally, it will also give perfectly specific clues for finding them in Astral Land

Matching your pajamas to your family members is really just asking for a demon thing to come take one of you away

If we’ve learned anything from The Entity, Beaches, Black Swan, and now, Insidious, it is this: Barbara Hershey is not the woman you want to be your mom

Stray Observation

So do we all agree that the only reason this family had two other children, in terms of story, was so 1) we could have a baby monitor scare and 2) the older brother could spout that quite unsettling line, "I don't like when Dalton walks around." Because really, that's all they were there for yes?

See/Skip/Sneak In

Depending on which marketing campaign you’ve seen, you probably know that Insidious is made by either the (deep voice) “team that brought you Saw” or (slightly less deep voice) “producers of Paranormal Activity.” What it actually ties most to, however, is Wan & Whannell’s second team effort, Dead Silence, an imperfect but fun little throwback to classic horror. Insidious is far more accomplished and does seem to show an upward growth for these two genre enthusiastic Aussies. More importantly, it’s an original horror film (cue token ‘not a remake/sequel/reimagining/redux/rere’ tag) that is, in my opinion, easily worth a modern day ticket price. See it, share your thoughts, and if you eat nachos (and why should you not?) please, I say please, stop raping them during the quiet parts.

I Said SHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's a DUMMY, for crying out loud!

You know what stinks? Leaving a DVD on its menu too long to the point where you get insanely tired of those six bars or so of theme music played on loop, only to then WATCH the movie and immediately hear said looping music over the opening credits.

And that’s you’re “I hate it when I do that” shared misery of the day. It has nothing to do with February’s Attack of the Vertically Challenged Villains!, but it did happen to me when I decided to watch Dead Silence. I felt I needed to share that information.

Now. Dummies.

Quick Plot: A happy young couple are enjoying a night of soon-to-be-takeout when a mysterious delivery arrives. It’s a box perfectly sized to fit on their coffee table (eerily so) and filled with an odd little dummy in a borrowed tuxedo from Billy the bicycle riding Jigsaw doll. 

I don’t always consider myself the most common sense-smart human out there, but even I know that an unmarked ventriloquist dummy dropped on my welcome mat is a sign that I’m going to die a horrible, horrible, and really truly horrible death. I’d probably just jump out my window at that point to minimize the terror, but that’s me.

Anyway, hubby Jamie (who is not me) heads out to pick up the lo mein and returns to his lovely wife’s mangled jaw and dead, oh so dead body. Homicide detective Donnie Walberg sneers through his mustache to name Jamie the prime suspect, but in the most laid-back way imaginable. You know, he doesn’t really think to collect any evidence from the crime scene, like the mysterious package that arrived minutes before the victim’s brutal slaughter. 

Moving on, Jamie packs up the dummy (just ‘cause) and heads back to his hometown of Raven Falls, a dying hamlet now filled with empty stores, ominous grayness, and his wheelchair bound, tuxedo clad dad and new retired supermodel trophy wife (Amber Valletta).

Since the only other people in a 50 mile radius seem to be a funeral director and his loopy wife, we get their side of the spookiness:

Years ago, a sassy spinster named Mary Shaw took the town by a storm with her ventriloquism act. When a bratty redheaded rich boy heckled her, he paid with his life and later, so did Mary. Ever since then, relatives of the ill-mannered theatergoer have been slaughtered via tongue removal and urban legend.

Cue the thunder crash.

Dead Silence was director James Wan’s followup to the juggernaut success of Saw, also co-written by Leigh Wannell. While the film certainly shares a few bits of Saw’s style, it ultimately goes more for a ‘60s ghost and ghoulies vibe than the grisly complications so inherent in the Jigsaw saga. If anything, Dead Silence feels like the kind of movie that should be shown at middle school sleepover parties. Soaked in urban legends, creepy clown dolls and an adorably insane twist, it’s not overly memorable but oddly, quite enjoyable. 

Yeah that’s right. I liked Dead Silence, and not ONLY because it utilized one of my biggest fears, the ventriloquist dummy. Though lead Ryan Kwanted is about as bland as Wonder Bread, the film feels like a genuine effort on Wan’s part to create a grand mythology in this small and spooked town. Yes, there are those tried and trite ‘something in the mirror, oh but I turned around and it’s not there!’ moments so overused in modern cinema, but there’s also a richly haunted look that seems to hover over every frame. The ending is gloriously over the top and while sure, it’s also ridiculous, it ultimately made me smile. And giggle. And then cough, because I’m a little under the weather.

I will probably not honor Dead Silence on next year’s best-of list, but for 90 minutes of modern horror, a gal could do much worse. 

High Points

Donnie Walberg makes a dummy talk. Need I say more?

Low Points

While I adored the absolutely ridiculous twist ending, I do wish director James Wan found a better way to let it unfold than his trademark Saw-esque montage to increasingly speedy angry music

Lessons Learned

Never give your wife a rose. It’s a sure sign you’ll be accused of her murder

If you’re having trouble sleeping after a traumatic event, perhaps setting an evil-looking doll facing your bed is not the best idea, particularly when said evil-looking doll was delivered to you mere moments before said traumatic event

Never heckle a ventriloquist. Duh.

Rent/Bury/Buy

I wasn’t expecting much with Dead Silence. A killer ventriloquist’s dummy movie that nobody ever thought to recommend my way? Though it’s by no means a perfect horror film, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this little throwback. Mary Shaw makes for a unique villain, and any film that utilizes the classic clown doll licker gets a pass in my book. The DVD includes a few alternate scenes and featurettes and while I don’t see myself ever loving this film, it’s fun enough to merit a rewatch if ever found in the bargain bin.