Dawson's Clockwork Orange

As the runes predicted, the time has come to pass: '90s theatrical horror movies I once despised with my teenage might are now things I've come to enjoy with the same relish as a Snackwell's chocolate yogurt. Time does strange things to our tastes.

Quick Plot: Stoner Gavin is out for a walk with his (thankfully safe) dog when he spots a curious scene: an alpha jock refusing his girlfriend's sexual advances, breaking her neck rather than emitting his...fluids. Cops arrive only to have one shot and the other (Steve Railsback!) letting the letter jacket wearing murderer off with warning. 

Meanwhile, the Clark family is settling into their new home in Cradle Bay, the kind of small town that also happens to only be accessible by ferry. A cloud hangs over the ridiculously good-looking family following the suicide of oldest brother Allen (Ethan Embry!), which has been hard on middle child Steve (James Marsden!) and youngest daughter Lindsay (Katharine Isabelle!!!).

Apologies for the constant exclamations, but good golly: there are a lot of pleasant faces here.

They're also all ridiculously good-looking and about 98% white, including the albino character played, of course, by a non-albino actor. 

We had a lot to learn in the '90s. 

Gavin takes Steve under his baggy shirt-wearing wing, introducing him to fellow outcast Rachel via a music video slow motion of Katie Holmes' bare midriff. Like any high school, Cradle Bay has its clearly defined social caste system and at the top are the Blue Ribbons, a "community group" who live clean. Their only vices seem to be the local froyo shop(pe) and the need to bully those who misbehave. 

Having witnessed one commit murder, Gavin is convinced that the Blue Ribbons, coached by school psychologist Dr. Caldicott (Bruce Greenwood!), are some kind of cult under serious, possibly surgically-induced mind control. He's right, of course, but that doesn't stop his parents from signing him up, leaving Steve to take up the fight. 

I first saw Disturbing Behavior right when it hit video rental, and as a surly teenage horror fan, it epitomized everything wrong with theatrical horror following the success of Scream. I lumped it in my brain with I Know What You Did Last Summer as one more example of Hollywood misunderstanding a genre I loved. Why was everyone so pretty? Why did everything always end happily? Who did they think they were scaring?

It's been, apparently, 25 long years since Disturbing Behavior quietly came and went (though you wouldn't know by the possibly Dorian Gray-ish skincare regime of James Marsden) and while the characters ARE still too pretty, I can now sit back and say that for its time, it's quite possible that Disturbing Behavior is actually kind of interesting. Scott Rosenberg's screenplay hints at some surprisingly layered questions about teenagers' relationships to sex, as well as well-meaning parents struggling to make the right decisions for their kids. Director David Nutter (who has since gone on to be one of the most successful television directors working today)  doesn't quite break any of the mainstream '90s molds with his choices, but there's a solid core here. 

Under 90 minutes (including a full 3 of those minutes devoted to the opening credits) there's clearly something missing. According to the internet, that's another whole half hour. Not shockingly, the studio wanted Disturbing Behavior to be a teen hit and did everything it could to, well, not allow that to happen. It's clear that storylines and character journeys are cut (the fact that we never see Gavin's dog again is one clue) and as a result, the movie just never really comes alive. 

That being said, I had fun with this movie. Sure, the utter '90sness of its needle drops and wannabe Williamson dialogue is razor on its own (note: no it's not; nobody said "razor" as a term of approval except for Katie Holmes in Disturbing Behavior) but nostalgia aside, there's some meat here. It's impossible not to compare this film to The Faculty, another Body Snatchers/Stepford Wives-inspired high school sci-fi horror of the era. The Faculty is a better movie, and more importantly, a more entertaining one, but weirdly, thinking about the two side-by-side, there's more substance to Disturbing Behavior, even if it never had a chance to be developed. 

I'm not ready to say Disturbing Behavior is a misunderstood wonder, but time has been oddly illuminating to it...or rather, what it could have been.

High Points

One of the biggest whiffs of '90s slashers was how scared they were of sex. Disturbing Behavior kind of naturally embraces that by how it positions the very idea of sexual impulses in the Blue Ribbons' chastity. Like everything else in the film, it's not fully realized, but I appreciate its attempts to at least acknowledge how complicated a role sex plays in the teenage brain (in this case, literally)

Low Points

It's almost cute today, but it really can't be understated much seeing Nick Stahl and Katie Holmes in bad kid costuming feels like dress-up

Lessons Learned

The real path to a janitor's heart is Kurt Vonnegut (so it goes)

Psychiatric hospitals had no sign-in policy in the 1990s

The higher the school spirit, the better the bake sale

Rent/Bury/Buy

I'm not calling Disturbing Behavior a good movie. It's just more fun than I remembered, and more interesting in its potential than I probably realized. If you enjoy messy '90s genre films, it's definitely worth a watch. You can find it streaming now on HBO Max (if it's still called that). You know. Razor. 

Friends to the End

I have never been coy about my love for Lifetime thrillers. Occasionally, you can find a genuinely good film (or more likely, an actual performance) buried inside the perfect never-cooked-in-kitchens in these typical 86 minute packages. More often, you find a fairly phoned-in quickie that follows every beat you expect. But on the best days, those days when this dimension is perfectly aligned with some kind of planetary force, we get bonkers treats like Imaginary Friend.

Quick Plot: Emma (Hallmark holiday princess Lacey Chabert) is your typical poor little rich girl. As a child, her abusive but conveniently wealthy father killed her mother and then himself (this phrase is repeated about seventeen times over the course of this movie), thus giving Emma a generous trust fund but terrible judgment when it comes to men.

Perhaps this is why Emma finds herself married to Brad, a successful psychiatrist who specializes in treating beautiful, troubled women. Naturally, Brad is a cad, flirting mercilessly with his assistant and drawing up paperwork to commit Emma as soon as the ink is dry on his own power of attorney contract with Emma's protective lawyer (for some reason, Paul Sorvino!). 

Brad isn't wrong to be concerned about Emma's health. Despite being a grown woman with a beautiful house, painterly talents, and incredible ability to never have her eye makeup run in the shower or while swimming, Emma can't seem to escape the presence of Lily (12 Monkeys' Amanda Schull), the imaginary friend who brought her comfort as an abused little girl (who, don't forget, saw her father murder her mother and then kill himself).

The white wine drinking game for Imaginary Friend is easily my favorite new Friday night pastime.  

Is Emma insane, or is Lily something more sinister than a mere hallucination? The answer, naturally, is what makes a made-for-Lifetime thriller such a joy.

To go into any detail would be a spoiler, and I dare not rob you of some of Imaginary Friend's joyous tricks. Yes, you might see a big twist coming (even the film's own handling of its reveal feels underwhelming, as if it knows its audience is smarter than so much of its other programming suggests) but what comes after is even zanier, opening dozens of questions on foot travel, jewelry receipts, and zombie makeup. 

If you're still not sold on the merits of Imaginary Friend, allow me to leave you with three words:

Angry art montage. 

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

High Points

Too often, the dullest part of a Lifetime movie is its inevitably handsome, bland male lead. Ethan Embry's Brad is a far more interesting creation: a skeevy womanizer who endures some serious comeuppance in drawn out glory

Low Points

Look, it's handled VERY specifically in Imaginary Friend, but it would be irresponsible of me to not narrow my eyes at yet another piece of pop culture that uses mental health medication as a tool of villainy

Lessons Learned

Practice is all about hot young nubile patients

Never call your imaginary friend it

It’s always confusing when people have two last names

All the money in the world can apparently only buy one shirt for painting and one bikini for daily swimming exercises

Rent/Bury/Buy

Imaginary Friend is streaming on Amazon Prime, and really, why have you not already downloaded it to your device? It's a ridiculous play on gaslighting that offers a grand reward, all while serving up a variety of Lifetime tropes in a ridiculously opulent estate. Have at it. 

Does Medicare Cover Werewolf Bites? Asking For a Friend

Of all the monsters that populate the horror genre, werewolves are easily my least favorite. Sure, history has provided the occasional good one, but 95% of the time, cinematic lycanthropes would belong better on a Party City commercial than a movie screen. Maybe it's just impossible for a human body to ever find the right mix with a canine wolf walk, but even the most tautly told thriller can be instantly killed by the presence of a poorly constructed costume. Some films succeed in spite of this (Dog Soldiers, Ginger Snaps), but so often I wonder, why bother?

Nevertheless, when enough people recommend a movie, I'll give it a go...even if includes werewolves. 

Quick Plot: Ambrose (the always extremely welcome Nick Damici) is a widowed blind Vietnam veteran moving into a quiet retirement community called Crescent Bay. After an awkward goodbye with his somewhat estranged son Will (Ethan Embry), an adorably promising flirtation with friendly neighbor Delores, and a cheerfully rude greeting to the catty welcoming committee (led by Rutanya Alda!), Ambrose settles in for what he assumes will be the first of many uneventful evenings.

It only takes one night of a full moon for Ambrose's new digs to be attacked by a mysterious canine-esque creature. With his loyal dog and Delores torn apart, Ambrose immediately suspects what every horror fan already knows: there's a werewolf in town, and in one month, he or she will undoubtedly return.

Ambrose decides, as one without much worth living for does, that he'll take the next thirty days to prepare for battle. During that time, he also begins catching the local senior van to attend church. It's there that he meets Tom Noonan's Father Roger, a priest who might have a few secrets hidden under his collar. 

Written by fairly new on the scene Eric Stolze (not the one you're thinking) and directed by the great Here Comes the Devil's Adrian Garcia Bogliano, Late Phases does the smartest thing any horror movie can possibly do: it focuses on retirees. Now in truth, Nick Damici is not by any means an old man (if the internet is to be believed and my math to be trusted, he's 58 at the time of this writing and wearing a heavy dose of prosthetics onscreen), but Late Phases gives him enough of a stiffness to let us believe he's closer to the end of his life or, perhaps more importantly, close to the point where he's ready to be done with it all. 

The film slowly drops clues about Ambrose's past, as well as why his current relationship with his son is so strained. His neighbors are similar fleshed out in ways that, plain and simple, make them far more interesting than the usual spat of pretty 20somethings who film most horror movies during their CW show hiatuses. When Delores calls her adult daughter, we watch this sad woman sigh at the excuses on the other line. When she's gutted by a werewolf moments later, the exasperated "I'll call you back Mom" closure takes on a whole new meaning.

I wish Late Phases was at good at its monster game as it is at characters, but unfortunately, it stumbles in its third act with, not surprisingly, some rough werewolf design work. On my end, I was invested enough to the point that I forgave its shortcomings because damnit, I was enjoying this movie. Sure, some of the "who's that werewolf?" mystery was probably less interesting (and mysterious) than the script intended, but I could watch Nick Damici rebuff fussy church ladies all day. Is this a good movie? I thought so. Is it a good HORROR movie? That's a different question.

High Points

Aside from the aforementioned concept of setting a werewolf film in a retirement community, let's give a nice nod to the humor of Late Phases. This isn't a horror comedy in the least, but Stolze's script, Bogliano's tone, and of course, Damici's performance manage to find some genuinely funny moments that never feel forced

Low Points

But some of those werewolf suit seams are laughable in a different way

Lessons Learned

When you're blind, it always looks like you're paying attention

Selling headstones with a senior citizen discount isn't great for business longevity

Mean girls never change, they just get older

Rent/Bury/Buy

Late Phases has its share of problems, but I found this to be a joy of a movie. Damici is such a wonderful presence onscreen, and it's a huge bonus that the film understands how an imperfect, grumpy AARP member can make for a compelling protagonist. It's the kind of choice I'd like to see more movies make...especially those that don't involve poorly constructed werewolves.

Evolution At Its 90sest

Nothing warms my heart finer than when a friend recommends a terrible movie knowing it was made for my questionable taste. Hence, today’s obscure 1995 Instant Watch treat comes courtesy of my pal James, aka Equal Opportunity Dork.

He is a real American hero.

Quick Plot: All the cool kids are really into this totally rad new thing called “virtual reality,” so much so that young Kyle Baxter (Ethan Randall, who would later rename himself Ethan Can’t Hardly Wait Embry) spends a whole lot of time trying to get the top score for an arcade game in order to win a major contest. And this being the movie you’re currently watching, he does!

Cue the not-that-exciting ceremony as a wealthy toy baron and his head developer crash the Baxter home with Evolver, a Johnny 5-ish little robot designed to play laser and ball tag around the home. Though he at first seems like a more advanced vacuum, Evolver is programmed to improve after every game, thereby becoming an unstoppable player who will dominate his top opponent. It’s perfect for the upcoming Christmas season!

Well of course, that’s what the toy developers hope and that’s why, despite receiving reports from Kyle that Evolver is getting a little too competitive, the experiment continues. See, the entire contest thing was simply one of corporate America’s more elaborate market research schemes and ending it prematurely will never prepare them for the inevitable January product recall.

As you can guess, Evolver EVOLVES a tad too aggressively for a nice broken suburban family to handle. Though Kyle and his pal try to corrupt the little robot by recording camera footage in the girls’ locker room, rascally Evolver would rather hunt down the dreaded half-shirt wearing bully and shoot his eye out or head to the arcade to electrocute a pair of stoners. It’s not until he launches an all-out attack on Kyle’s precocious sister Ali (or ‘Jerkbrain,’ as Evolver prefers to call her) that things get serious.

Evolver isn’t a very good movie by any means, mostly because it suffers from two serious but separate cases of identity crisis. One is its time period: released in 1995, the film feels far closer to the techno explosion of the late 1980s. This is best viewed with Chopping Mall or Deadly Friend, not Virtuosity or The Net. The odd anachronistic quality it seems to have, however, is more amusing than offensive.

The bigger problem is that Evolver was probably made with no real clue as to how much of a horror film it was allowed to be. The hero is a 15-year-old nerd whose biggest drama stems from being in the, as his crush says, Divorced Kids of America Club, which yields plenty of easily resolvable conflict with his never-home single mom. But it ain’t E.T. when there are boobs on display, eyeballs being shot out of heads, and cars dropped on adolescents. Except the adolescent miraculously survives, probably because at some point someone on the production team pointed out the fact that the subject matter and style was far more suited to teenage boys and maybe killing them was a mixed message? It’s quite confusing.

Until a slew of Hilary Duff collaborations, director Mark Rosman’s best-known credit was the fun if unexceptional House On Sorority Row, a more blatant slasher that knew its audience and gave them the goods. I imagine Evolver was originally intended for a PG-13 audience before failing the MPAA’s standards and reinserting some of the more violent action to justify the R. I have no evidence to back up such a theory, but it’s one way to explain the bipolar nature of Evolver.

Not that I’m necessarily complaining. The weird inconsistency of Evolver is part of its charm from a nostalgic standpoint. And hey, considering the lack of 1990s killer robot movies, I'll take what I can get.

High Points

Though the script doesn’t have nearly as much as it could have with the concept of a cute WALL-E slowly becoming self-aware, any moment were Evolver gets to freestyle is highly amusing

Low Points

The entire production feels, how do I say, small. It’s obvious that Evolver didn’t have a large budget, but it still seems like the movie wasn’t ever trying to hide that. We have ONE evil robot, ONE human kinda villain, NO boxes of Evolvers-to-be waiting to take over the world, and so on. I’m not asking for SKYNET rallies, but showing us some blueprints or sales records or overseas factory mass labor or SOMETHING to give us some form of scale of what’s at stake other than one dull family

Lessons Learned

Prototype war robots can survive car flipovers that instantly kill seatbelt-wearing humans with nary a scratch

Similarly, doughy teenagers can survive automobiles being dropped on their faces with just a few days of hospital care

Half-shirts were apparently still in for bullies circa 1995

Evolver can’t lose!

Hey! That’s…

The robotic voice of W.H. Macy, better known to most filmgoers as William H.

Token Broken Family Exchange

Mom: Even your dad says-

Bitter Child: Dad’s not around anymore, IS he?

The writing and delivery of this moment was simply too good not to mention

Rent/Bury/Buy

Any genre film fan with a soft spot for unremarkable and highly dated trash will get a mild enjoyment out of Evolver. The movie is rife with weird timely moments to bring you back to the early ‘90s, and the titular villain himself is fun when he gets the chance to be. Worth the energy of a Netflix stream and not much more, unless you just REALLY like robots, Ethan Embry, or W.H. Macy’s sexy robotic vocal chords.