You Know I'm Bad

Hop in!

We're riding over to Rupert Pupkin Speaks for my list of favorite (cough cough) bad movies.  Blogmaster Rupert has been inviting a slew of cinemaniacs over to his virtual crib to share the best of the worst, and I encourage all to browse through his recent archives for a ridiculously unhealthy, yet oh so enjoyable batch of recommendations.

And let's face it: you know you've found the right film loving community when you're not the first, but the SECOND person to mention The Guy From Harlem.

Quick Stops!

I know--and hope--that all of you are in the midst of Halloween celebration/preparation/domination, but should you require any audio accompaniment, might I recommend a download of this week's Gentleman's Guide to Midnite Cinema? Aside from being one of the very best movie podcasts out there, episode 155 features li'l ole moi discussing the finer points of genre classic Near Dark with GGTMC's Large William, along with a whole lot of other podcasting superstars. Get thee to iTunes!

The Pax will be waiting

Also of note (and on the page): I took a ride on my (satanic) broomstick over to The Lightning Bug's Lair to drop a batch of 13 recommendations for best devil-made-me-do-it horror (or animated musical) movies. A few of my favorites showed up--because how does one NOT include something as amazing as this--so you might guess what you're in for, but I promise a few surprises and more importantly, a fine review of The Omen by the Bug himself. Fly away!

I've got pumpkins to kill kiss tell secrets to snort cuddle with carve. 

Yeah, that's it...

Bad Teacher, Worse Students

Based on fleeting memories of watching Class of 1984 at a far-too-young age, I had no actual anticipation of writing about it here.

A pile of punky corpses later--one of which belonged to my favorite teenage Antichrist of all time from a little Doll’s House classic known as Fear No Evil--and I realized I’d be missing out on one supreme slasher.

Quick Plot: Meet Mr. Norris, an optimistic high school band conductor making his debut at Lincoln High, the kind of institution where metal detectors are just a formality and the teachers are expected to maybe have a certificate and college education but to definitely have a black belt or revolver. 

On his very first day, Norris manages to make enemies of Peter Stegman, the baby-faced underachiever who spends schoolnights running prostitution and drug rings despite his natural intelligence and piano skills. 

Because Norris is kind of a dolt, the enemyship escalates with every passing weekday, leading to a few of the following:

Biology teacher pal Roddy McDowell’s class pets slaughtered

Norris’ car blown graffitied and, well, exploded

Teacher’s pet Michael Pre-J. Fox stabbed in the gut

Norris is falsely accused of beating a teenager up

Michael Pre-J. Fox’s pal climbs up a flagpole in a drugged out mania and falls to his pledge of allegiancing death

And his even dafter pregnant wife gets gang raped

These are terrible things to have happen to you, but am I a bad person for having to say the dude *kind of* asked for it? Questioning wimpy student Fox in front of the stab-happy gang? Hauling the drug dealers into the principal’s office without any real solid footing for how to punish them? Smashing the bully’s car? Abandoning his loyal band students at their biggest hour?

If I had one problem with Class of 1984, it’s that it was awfully hard to get behind the protagonist when he came off as the biggest idiot this side of the border. Or that side, since it’s fairly clear that Class of 1984 was proudly made on Canadian soil. It’s a minor issue...

In a pretty damn kickass film. Director Mark Lester (working form a script with his, Child’s Play's Tom Holland and actor John Saxon’s screenwriting credits on it) clearly went into filming with a deep passion for his story, as well as a solid and timely hold on the the-emerging punk culture. Everybody onscreen--from lead Perry King to all-star McDowell and all the young thespians reveling in their prime--brings a grand and all-out energy to their roles, making just about every major and minor character believable, interesting, and often both. The actual themes of bureaucratic hand tying and undisciplined youths are a tad heavyhanded but heartfelt enough to hold up strong. It’s a daring and creative film, even when crafting careful homages to A Clockwork Orange.

Oh, and the last 15 minutes are about as gory and violent as Fear No Evil, minus the bully boobs and dodgeball deaths. See Low Points.

High Points

As the baby-faced sociopath building a mob-like empire in high school, Timothy Van Patten’s Stegman is a truly unique and layered villain, part genius, part low-life, part mama’s boy and all fascinating charisma

Goodness can Roddy McDowell elevate material! His most infamous scene waving a gun in front of his laxer students’ faces is easily the heart and high note of Class of 1984, lending a deep, sad, and disturbing weight to what could have been a mere exploitation film

The film apparently won a British Oscar for its costume design, which might surprise you until you really look at some of the styling going on in Stegman’s gang

Low Points

It’s probably more a testament to the many other youth-gone-wild films that have made some common sense seem more possible, but it truly is occasionally straining to accept Norris’ naiveté, particularly on the third ‘why don’t you go stay with your mother?’ plea made to his even airheadier wife

No death by dodgeball or bully boobs.Though credit to this guy for trying:

Lessons Learned

It was incredibly easy to blow up automobiles in the 1980s

Shimmying up a flagpole is easier than you think, at least if you have a sniff of cocaine helping you out

The human heart has four chambers and if you don’t know that, Roddy McDowell will blow your face off

Child labor laws have evolved much over the last 20 years, particularly that whole amendment about not allowing 14 year olds to stab classmates  on orders from their place of employment

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was impressed at how much I enjoyed Class of 1984. It’s gritty and dark, but also incredibly watchable and occasionally quite humorous. Though it’s true that I’ll probably watch this far less than Mark Lester’s lighter, more ridiculous(ly amazing) semi-sequel Class of 1999, it’s still a high recommend for a rental or purchase, particularly since Anchor Bay’s release is loaded with extras. A making-of featurette includes interviews with cast and crew while the director and Anchor Bay producer commentary track is both informative and intersting, demonstrating most importantly that Class of 1984 was a film that everyone fully invested their energy into making. We don’t get enough of those.

Hippoty Hoppoty Homicide!

As some of you know and others don't care about, I spent the last year or so contributing to Pop Syndicate, a recently deceased website that lost all its past content (and writers). The following article appeared in 2009 and since you can't find it anywhere else in InterWorld, I'm rerunning it here. Apologies for the deja vu.

Controversial, religious, or rainy, Easter weekend is more than just an excuse to gorge yourself on Cadbury Creme Eggs. Namely, it’s a time to watch seasonal horror movies! A few recommendations:

Critters 2: The Main Course

One of the few genre films specifically set during Easter and for a very good reason: critters hatch from eggs, and what better way to feast upon an idyllic small town than by Trojan horse-plowing your way into the homes and baskets of tasty locals?

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

And on the third day, Jesus rose...to kick some undead ass. According to this affectionally campy musical/action/horror/wrestling romp, Christ will sing, dance, and spin kick through sunglass-wearing gangs of blood drinkers, especially if the monsters are on the prowl to purge the world of its lesbian population. It’s as silly as its title suggests (note that I haven’t even mentioned the luchador sidekick or voice-of-god speaking through an ice cream sundae) but this low budget oddity is a surprisingly good time and way more fun than Sunday mass. If your ears are feeling fancy, check out Episode 14 of the Girls On Film Podcast for our gushings.

Night of the Lepus

I often take issues with fear snobs sneering at the threat of killer dolls, but I’ll confidently eat my Easter bonnet to say bunnies are not, never were, and can never be scary. Perhaps the best proof is offered in this infamous flop(fy eared) 1972 monster flick, in which giant rabbits wreak havoc on mankind and Janet Leigh. It’s adorable.

Fear No Evil

I usually recommend this 1981 entry into the antichrist subgenre for its see-it-to-believe-it death by dodgeball, but to be timely, we could also cite the subplot passion play for the perfect Easter Sunday (or Good Friday) viewing. A smiling actor playing an actor playing Jesus (and fittingly voiced by the director in one of the best cameos since Hitchcock) gets more than church community adoration when Satan’s teenage son accepts his legacy at the town’s annual celebration. Needless to say, next time you subject yourself to theatrical crucifixion, it’s best to ask for a stunt double. (Read my original review here)

Black Sheep

Zombies moan. Body snatchers shriek. Asian ghost girls make strange clicking sounds. But only genetically altered New Zealand lambs bleat, as this 2006 horror comedy proudly proves. While I’ve always been a tad reluctant to chow down on the lamb chops my grandmother made on Easter (particularly when cardboard sheep were smiling in decoration form around the kitchen), the man-eating mammals here remove any guilt I have dishing out seconds.

Fatal Attraction

In keeping with the theme, one could easily argue that Glen Close’s golden perm bears a striking resemblance to Lampchop herself. Plus, a bunny stew served by an obsessive murderess is the perfect Easter dinner, particularly for psychopaths in need of solid protein for another night of stalking.

Arachnophobia

Okay, so there’s no Mega Spider vs. Giant Bunny action here, but the main threat in this likable 1990 creature features is a nest of hidden eggs. What’s more festive than that?

Did I pass over any of your favorites? (See what I did there, Pass-ov--never mind) . Bad punning or not, add or your own and have a great Peeps-At-Half-Price Monday!

Careful! Those are DANGEROUS Worry Dolls

In the race for smallest killer during February’s Spectacular of the Vertically Challenged Villains, Dangerous Worry Dolls just might take the nano-sized crown. That’s the good news.

Quick Plot: Meet Eva, a pretty blond single mom just trying to make it work for herself and daughter. This is mildly difficult when incarcerated in a minimum security rehabilitation penitentiary for women, a joint so vicious it’s policed by a mere two guards (one of whom would probably lose a fight with a toothpick). As Eva makes enemies of the tough girls, warden, and token sleazeballl corrections officer, we’re treated to the mildest women-in-prison film since Boot Camp.

Life changes a tad when Eva’s daughter visits with a gift in the form of a quartet of Guatemalan worry dolls, pinky sized creations that one should put under their pillow when sad. After receiving a rather hilarious implied strap-on raping, Eva tearfully tucks her little friends close to her head where one, for absolutely no explained reason whatsoever, crawls inside her ear.

The next morning, Eva is feeling refreshed and ready to face the day, hampered not even slightly by the sudden zit that developed on the center of her forehead. She’s wearing colors! (against the rules) Standing up for her mousy friend named Mouse! Sassing up the warden and acting like the meanest switchblade sister you ever didn’t see!

But what could cause such a transformation? Might it be the softball sized bump getting brighter every hour glaring from her head? It’s still smaller than the bruise I got falling off the balance beam in the fourth grade, but I don’t like to brag. Anyway, the bump proves to be something of a cuckoo clock where every so often, a skull-faced little man (a dangerous worry doll, perhaps?) pokes out to scream at a nearby soon-to-be victim of Eva’s wrath.

Dangerous Worry Dolls isn’t the best or worst Charles Band production, which is almost its main problem. The acting, for the most part, is actually quite fine, but the dialogue reads like an eighth grader’s play rather than unrated horror movie. Sure, the film makes a minor deal out of the prison being for small-time criminals, but even the lesser badasses wouldn’t try to assert their toughness with repeated warnings to “mind your own beeswax.”

High Points

A surprise breast reveal doesn’t hold a candle to Fear No Evil, but that doesn’t make it any less fun

Low Points

There are four little worry dolls and only one skull head cuckoo clock. Also, the dolls themselves pretty much do nothing. And have no history. Or explanation for why they (rather, one of they) can wield such power over one young woman. I’m grateful for a 75 minute film, but when it has no reason for happening, I have to wonder...

Lessons Learned

In prison, being someone’s bitch means you have to help sneak in their drugs. And that’s just about it

There may be no basement in the Alamo, but even the smallest women’s prison houses a sexy underground lair fully stocked with sex toys, leather masks, video cameras (product placement Sony) and open ready-to-drink bottles of red wine

Female wardens can be rather kinky

Rent/Bury/Buy

Dangerous Worry Dolls is a film that will only entertain those with a soft spot for these kinds of cheap, weirdly innocent little movies puckered with mild gore and almost laughably inserted nudity. At less than 80 minutes long, it’s a quick watch but not one worth putting effort into finding, especially since the DVD lacks a single special feature. You want a movie about Guatemalan worry dolls? This is kind of it. But let’s just say, when it comes to movies about Guatemalan worry dolls, it’s still an open playing field.

But a very tiny one. But wide open--you get my point.

Lady In Reeeeeeeeed-I mean white. Lady In White. Right.

Savvy readers know of my fondness for the bizarre 1980 antichrist-goes-to-high-school classic Fear No Evil, a film that featured everything from death by dodgeball, passion plays, zombies, Rocky Horror Show costuming, angels, and suicide inspired by the sudden development of female breasts on a male bully chest. Naturally, the mere fact that writer/director Frank LaLoggia had also made 1988’s Lady In White eventually sent it to the top of the queue.

Quick Plot: A friendly cab driver lets young Frankie out at a cemetery, then follows him to hear the story of a few buried folk. That’s right folks, a smoother device for narration there has never been.

Frankie (now young, big-eyed, and played by Lucas Haas) takes us back to 1962, when he was a 9-year-old writer-in-the-making living with his widowed father, big brother, and adorably Italian grandparents. One Halloween night, a pair of pricky bullies play a typical wacky movie prank by locking Frankie inside school, an old building that happens to overlook a cemetery. While inside, Frankie sees the ghost of a little girl reenacting her murder just before the actual murderer enters and nearly strangles the boy. Mystery hath been laid.

This being 1962, the police arrest the nearest black man and pin eleven more child murders on the poor family guy, much to the catharsis of the town. Frankie’s father, however, knows the pieces don’t fit together, though the story gets passed back down to Frankie to figure things out for himself. About 2 hours later, he does.

Lady In White is one of the most baffling movies I’ve seen in a very long time, mostly because I have absolutely no idea who its intended audience could be. Rated PG13 (probably PG in ’88), it steers clear of any sex or serious onscreen violence, though the very nature of the killer (notes are dropped about molestation) isn’t quite appropriate for kids to consider. At the same time, the film tries to show the world from Frankie’s 9-year-old point of view, straight down to LaLoggia’s instrumental score that seems intent on lightening the mood at every moment of suspense. 

So a ghost story for 12 year olds? Except not. Unless your 12 year old has an incredibly  advanced attention span, there’s no way he or she will eagerly sit through a full two hour (!) film filled with limp subplots and stretched out scenes of dialogue. Making a deeper-than-your-average-thriller is admirable, but that doesn’t mean your script is comparable to To Kill a Mockingbird.

And yet I liked this movie and rather enjoyed the offbeat tone. It's neat. Just too long. 

High Points

A Bing Crosby ditty called Did You Ever See a Dream Walking? is used throughout the film with surprising creepiness

Low Points

Netflix reports the running length as 1 hour and 58 minutes. Even if the film didn't contain a whole lot of slow scenes, that's simply too long for a skim ghost story

All in all, the narration and framing device does about nothing for Lady In White

The always fabulous Katherine Helmond is always fabulous, but also, rather wasted in a quick two-scene role that, by the time we get to 90+ minutes into the film, barely registers

Lessons Learned

A thinking tree helps you think about things

A game of limbo is a great way to see up your teacher’s skirt

In the 1960s, women were listed in the phone book under their first names

Rent/Bury/Buy
I'm extremely torn on how to rate this film because though it has a lot about it to enjoy, Lady In White is also far too long and rather confused about who it's been made for. Those who like nostalgic kid movies spiced up with mild horror (think Matinee) may take to the style, but viewers expecting actual horror won't find too much more than Disney-esque ghost effects. The DVD includes a commentary by the always affable LaLoggia, but overall, this is a rental for those looking for something different. If you do, however, dig into The Lady In White, come back here to share your thoughts. I'm especially curious to hear who else correctly identified the murderer within two minutes of his screentime (only to then wait ONE HOUR AND FIFTY EIGHT MINUTES for the reveal).

It's baaaaaaaaaaack

A new episode of the gleeKast has been released! Subscribe on iTunes or go here and email us back (gleekast at gmail.com) by Wednesday night 

Also, lest you worry that this is a non-horror related post, here's a scene of brilliance from 1981's Fear No Evil:

Never say I don't love you.

Hippity Hoppity Homicide

Controversial, religious, or rainy, Easter weekend is more than just an excuse to gorge yourself on Cadbury Creme Eggs. Namely, it’s a time to watch seasonal horror movies! A few recommendations:

Critters 2: The Main Course

One of the few genre films specifically set during Easter and for a very good reason: critters hatch from eggs, and what better way to feast upon an idyllic small town than by Trojan horse-plowing your way into the homes and baskets of tasty locals?

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

And on the third day, Jesus rose...to kick some undead ass. According to this affectionally campy musical/action/horror/wrestling romp, Christ will sing, dance, and spin kick through sunglass-wearing gangs of blood drinkers, especially if the monsters are on the prowl to purge the world of its lesbian population. It’s as silly as its title suggests (note that I haven’t even mentioned the luchador sidekick or voice-of-god speaking through an ice cream sundae) but this low budget oddity is a surprisingly good time and way more fun than Sunday mass.

Night of the Lepus

I often take issues with fear snobs sneering at the threat of killer dolls, but I’ll confidently eat my Easter bonnet to say bunnies are not, never were, and can never be scary. Perhaps the best proof is offered in this infamous flop(fy eared) 1972 monster flick, in which giant rabbits wreak havoc on mankind and Janet Leigh. It’s adorable.

Fear No Evil


I usually recommend this 1981 entry into the antichrist subgenre for its see-it-to-believe-it death by dodgeball, but to be timely, we could also cite the subplot passion play for the perfect Easter Sunday (or Good Friday) viewing. A smiling actor playing an actor playing Jesus (and fittingly voiced by the director in one of the best cameos since Hitchcock) gets more than church community adoration when Satan’s teenage son accepts his legacy at the town’s annual celebration. Needless to say, next time you subject yourself to theatrical crucifixion, it’s best to ask for a stunt double.

Black Sheep

Zombies moan. Body snatchers shriek. Asian ghost girls make strange clicking sounds. But only genetically altered New Zealand lambs bleat, as this 2006 horror comedy proudly proves. While I’ve always been a tad reluctant to chow down on the lamb chops my grandmother made on Easter (particularly when cardboard sheep were smiling in decoration form around the kitchen), the man-eating mammals here remove any guilt I have dishing out seconds.

Fatal Attraction

In keeping with the theme, one could easily argue that Glen Close’s golden perm bears a striking resemblance to Lampchop herself. Plus, a bunny stew served by an obsessive murderess is the perfect Easter dinner, particularly for psychopaths in need of solid protein for another night of stalking.

Arachnophobia

Okay, so there’s no Mega Spider vs. Giant Bunny action here, but the main threat in this likable 1990 creature features is a nest of hidden eggs. What’s more festive than that?

Did I pass over any of your favorites? (See what I did there, Pass-ov--never mind) . Bad punning or not, add or your own and have a great Peeps-At-Half-Price Monday!