Reader Recommendation: Terror Train

“I guess I'll go with Terror Train.  You must, must, must see this slasher.  Jamie Lee Curtis and David Copperfield??  Copperfield should be enough to pull you in.  It's one of [the Naked Eskimo]'s all time favorite slashers.  Plus, it takes place in a train!  Claustrophobia!  It's also an instant play from Netflix.  You wouldn't have to wait for it!”--Recommended by the Bodacious Barbarella Cult

I did not wait for Terror Train. In fact, I’ve decided to do a new sort of Netflixing where I close my eyes, press a bunch of buttons and hit ‘ok’ when I feel inclined. And that my friends is how I decided to finally watch the infamous Canadian pleasure, Terror Train.

Quick Plot: Like every ‘80s slasher, Terror Train begins with a prank gone wrong as premed fraternity brothers haze Kenny, a nerd (identified as such by his thick glasses, naturally) by cock teasing him with Alana, played by original scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis (save your hermaphrodite jokes for the showers boys). Due to some confusingly hung drapery and Kenny’s overreaction to kissing a corpse, the poor geek gets the crazies and we flash forward three years.

To celebrate their last winter break, the now senior fraternity members and their gal pals don Halloween costumes and take a rather awesome old fashioned train ride, complete with uncomfortable cots, tiny bathrooms, a band composed of high fashion hipsters who don't play their own instruments, and...get this, David Copperfield!

The rails are rocking harder than Night Train to Terror  (not true; nothing rocks harder than Night Train to Terror) but before you can say all aboard, a mysterious masked man has swiped a frat boy’s Groucho Marx disguise and begun a slow but steady killing spree of some of the past prank participants. The only person that seems to be actively doing anything about it is the kindly conductor Carne, played by lovable presence Ben Johnson. 

I won’t spoil the twist of Terror Train, a neat little plot point that’s both slightly predictable but really not. People die. The killer is revealed. I giggle. And Jamie Lee Curtis cries. You know the story.

High Points

You can’t not love the setting, an antiquated (unless you travel through Russia) train that instantly offers plenty of claustrophobic and inescapable titular terror

In these kinds of movies, it’s always good to have a hateable antagonist due for a painful demise and Terror Train packs a doozie with Hart Bochner’s Doc. With his smarmy attitude and girl-shriek, Bochner (who later went on to play another smarmy doomed fella in Die Hard and, more importantly, directed one of the best Jon Lovitz vehicles of all time, High School High) is like a slightly taller Tom Cruise, possible homosexuality and all.

(You sir, are no match for Hans Gruber.)

Low Points

Aside from its fantastic location, there’s just nothing that different about Terror Train to make it overly memorable. Sure, it’s better in quality than Slaughter High  or Graduation Day, but just about every character and plot point feels like it was taken out of a slasher recipe book and served on an assembly line-run cafeteria

Lessons Learned

The best magic trick of all involves super fast nail polish removal

Shaking your dead and bleeding friend generally does not bring him back to life. Perhaps that’s something learned in med school, as opposed to undergraduate university

Much like Jamie Lee, David Copperfield tragically missed out on a promising career as a disco dancer

Dear nerds of the world: I don’t know how many movies can support this before you take note, but please believe me when I say the gorgeous popular girl does not want to sleep with you and if she does, she probably isn’t going to tell the whole school about it in order to lure you to her bed

Rent/Bury/Buy

Terror Train is the very epitome of all that’s good and bad about the ‘80s slasher. Each character fits the exact role card required (good girl, slutty girl, slightly bad girl, bad handsome boy, likable chubby dude, wimpy boyfriend, second kill black guy, etc.) and with the exception of a slightly bizarre reveal, nothing really surprises the modern viewer. That being said, any slasher fan will nostalgically grin at seeing JLC cut some dance moves and a masked baddie ax his way through bratty coeds. The film is currently streaming on Instant Watch which is pretty much where it should be seen. Not really worth a whole lot of energy investment, but vital for those slasher completists.

Pomp & Circumstance & Slaughter

Having just attended my 10 year high school reunion (they all got fat and I wore a nametag), it seemed fitting to review a film attempting to capture that senior spirit. Thusly do I give you:

Quick Plot: We open on an intense track meet at a high school bursting with more pride than Bayside High. An aggressively electronic score accompanies slow motion pole vaulting, hurdles, gymnastics, and crowd cheering.

Hell yeah 1981.

Tragedy strikes when a young sprinter crosses the finish line with a heart attack, dying in the arms of her short shorts wearing permed boyfriend and in front of a slightly embarrassed community. Flash forward a few months later when the late track star’s older sister goes all Nomi Malone on a hitchhiker pickup driver as she makes her way back home for the titular graduation day. 

Senioritis takes on new symptoms, however, when a few good teenagers turn up...missing.

To be more precise, about seven 17 year olds are brutally murdered but since their bodies are hidden (offscreen), not a single adult really seems to notice. Sure, a few parents call the world-hating principal, but for the most part, none of the thinner than proscuito characters seem the slightest bit worried about their missing friends. Eh. It’s hard to focus when you still haven’t found the right prom dress.

Between a few slightly creative kills (football throw with epee attached, pole vaulter landing on a mat of nails) and underdeveloped conflicts (overworked gymnast clashes with coach, sister fends off stepfather’s surliness, Linea Quigley’s breasts argue with gravity), Graduation Day slogs through the last week of school to culminate in the rather muddled climax. 

See, this is 1981. Making a mediocre slasher was about the equivalent of sending a text message today. All one really needed was a holiday, gallon of karo syrup and food coloring, and gaggle of mildly attractive young people willing to whine on camera for a month of shooting. Graduation Day has these things, plus a handful of songs (one charmingly called The Graduation Day Blues) and minor celebrity cred via a young Vanna White and scream queen Quigley. 

High Points

It’s a strict rule of cinema that any film is made 42% better by the inclusion of roller skates

Low Points

...though that power is slightly diminished when said roller skating is accompanied by a 7 minute musical sequence

Lessons Learned

When hosting a highly competitive track meet, it’s probably a good idea to keep some form of medical personnel on hand

If your position of police officer is leaving you feeling ineffective, you could try arresting the rude young teens you catch smoking dope on school grounds

Vanna White drinks the blood of virgins and newborn babies; how else to explain the fact that the woman hasn’t aged a day in 39 years?

Rent/Bury/Buy

Like the majority of 80s slashers set on a holiday/coming of age milestone event, Graduation Day is not a good movie. Badly acted, annoyingly scored, oddly plotted and fairly uninvolving. Naturally, all these downsides are negated by the fact that this film opens with a track montage and offers the token Linnea Quigley death/boobs. Fans of this era will delight in the collar popping teachers and oversized walkmans; kids today may find themselves wondering how Saw ever evolved from this. It has its charms, but those immune to the Golden Age of Slasherdom won’t find them. It’s a perfect party movie, providing you save your beer run for the 7 minute (SEVEN MINUTE!!!) musical break and fill up for the not so spectacular finale.