Vegans, Beware

For such an easy gross-out effect, it’s surprising that there aren’t more cannibal-based films readily available on Instant Watch. Sure, one could kill quite a few hours rewatching Junkyard Dog for endless lessons on how not to make a serious movie that’s hysterical, but sometimes, you want something sharp and Spanish.

Quick Plot: Some time ago, a young boy named Dimas was left alone in an isolated hunting lodge with his dying mother and a hefty appetite. As soon as she said her final goodbye, Dimas apparently wasted no time devouring her body.

As you do.

Thus begins the prologue to Omnivores, and if you're guessing little Dimas grew into a wealthy man of mystery who hosts secret invite-only dinners wherein human flesh is the star dish, you'd be onto something.

We visit said secret invite-only dinners via Marcus, a successful bachelor journalist who gets his leads along with some naked time from the attractive young women who also attend these gourmet soirees. Meanwhile, Dimas' personal chef scouts the streets to find the perfect meat subject. 

Madrid is a busy place.

Written and directed by Oscar Rojo, Omnivores is sharply made all around. As Marcus, actor Mario de la Rosa manages to project a stoic yet charismatic presence that's perfectly fitting to the film's intentionally cold tone.  This is a world filled with wealthy people who can throw thousands of dollars around on one evening's worth of meat and wine. There's a sleek, rather dispassionate energy around the characters and their quest for culinary satisfaction. It even seems like intentional casting that the one actor with a warmer, softer face ends up, well, tenderized.

High Points

The way that Rojo shoots the actual carnage is quite impressive. He never spares the incredibly icky gore, but because his butcher is carving up his bodies for dinner, it somehow manages to be both horrifying and not gratuitous

Low Points

Without spoiling anything, the final beats of Omnivores are rather bizarre. We get a rather badass climax, followed by a strange coda that isn't very clear (what exactly is the subject of that book?). Is the film just opening the door for a sequel?

Lessons Learned

It's better to pay more than to go on a vegetarian diet

When you've victoriously escaped from a seemingly impossible imprisonment in an isolated location, never, ever, and really, never accept help from the first car on the road

Always keep your kid well-fed. Otherwise, he'll figure things out for himself way too quickly

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’m glad I came across this fairly low radar film. Fangoria tends to have a mixed track record with their releases (although between this, Grimm Love, and Hunger, they seem to REALLLLLLLLLY like their independent films to involve cannibalism), but Omnivores is strong in most aspects: well-shot, well-acted, and appropriately unsettling. As I said earlier, I don’t exactly understand what the ending was going for, but it didn’t damn the film for me. It remains a strong recommendation.

Once Upon a Time, The World Was Very Boring

Cannibals! Felicity! Genital Feasts!

It would take a lot for this movie not to work, right?

Quick Plot: A grad student named Kate (a straight-haired, monotone speaking Keri Russell) has moved to Germany to write her thesis on the infamous cannibal murder of Oliver and Simon (based on the bizarre real-life case of Armin Meiwes). As Kate investigates what led these two men to such extremes, we watch flashbacks of, well, what led these two men to such extremes. Just like Kate investigates. And then we watch. Her investigate.

For a movie about sexy thrill-seeking cannibals, Grimm Love sure is a drag. The film gets to a terribly drab start with Russell's Valium-induced voiceover, a rambling soliloquy about loneliness and the desire to find someone who can see inside of you. If the content didn't seem dull enough, perhaps the fact that Russell's enthusiasm makes Harrison Ford's Blade Runner exposition sound like Robin Williams' Aladdin Genie should clue you in.

Directed by Martin Weisz (he of the recent Hills Have Eyes 2, and yes, that's the one with more rape and less dog flashbacks than Wes Craven's original), Grimm Love is indeed a grim tale. I don't mean that as a compliment. Weighted down in dark eyeshadow and raccoon liner, Keri Russell is woefully miscast, though the character of Kate is even more woefully underdeveloped. IMDB trivia explains that a lot of scenes were eliminated from the final cut, which on one hand, explains the incompleteness, but on the other, is horrifying in itself. The Netflix streaming edition ran at 94 minutes, and while I've had had dental work that lasted longer, I swear it felt like a breeze compared to what must have been the LONGEST 94 MINUTE MOVIE OF ALL TIME.

This was a slog.

The idea is certainly ripe for a film adaptation. Why WOULD a man willfully submit himself to be eaten (penis-first) by a stranger, and what kind of stranger has such a particular appetite? It's almost as if Grimm Love figured out all too late that such questions are truly fascinating when explored, not when we watch them be explored by a third party. As Kate tracks down news articles and breaks into abandoned homes, we get flashbacks that follow both men through their child and adult years. Early scenes are even (rather annoyingly) portrayed as if they were grainy 8MM projections, a trick that might work in a better movie but here felt like a last-ditch effort to bring something visually interesting to the otherwise drab palette.

I never thought I'd be so bored by a film that includes a scene where a man--not just any man, but Karate Dog's Thomas Kretschmann, for pete's sake--made an anatomically correct male figure out of butter and ate the phallus as if it were the last Twinkie on the shelf. Maybe it was the fact that the previous scene featured his soon-to-be meal begging a hooker to, and I quote, "Bite my thing off!" that killed the element of surprise. Maybe my standards are insanely high when it comes to anatomically correct butter men and Karate Dog alumni.

Or maybe Grimm Love is just a boring movie.

High Notes
Look, I'm not arguing with the IDEA behind Grimm Love, right down to its exploration of two gay men with mother issues and insecurities. THAT'S practically golden. But when you chop it up and let a dull grad student shoot it out with the energy of a sloth, you end up with--

Low Notes
This movie

Stray Observations
At 31, I'm at an age where I and my peers could indeed decide to complete our college education with a masters degree or doctorate. And yet, of all my friends and acquaintances, I think I know two currently enrolled. So why, I ask, is approximately 83% of all horror film protagonists grad students? Do they just make better movie prey, or do I just hang out with the uneducated?

Lessons Learned
A bedroom says a lot about a person

One should always find the right balance between cannibalism and sunshine

People taste like pork

Rent/Bury/Buy
Unless your number one sexual fantasy is watching a pseudo-goth grrrrl Felicity surf the internet, I suggest you give Grimm Love a pass. Sure, it's more competently made than a good deal of the grad-student-based horror films currently streaming on Instant Watch, but if the price of decent product values is anything interesting onscreen, then you can give me my shot-on-video boom mike falls any day.