Open Wide

When a person like me hears “was it as bad as Smiley?” in regards to something as bad as The Secret Village, you can count down from two before I proceed to find Smiley streaming on Amazon Prime to see just how rough a watch will be.

And then I question everything I know about my taste level when I finish and say, “you know, that really wasn’t that bad.”

Quick Plot: A little girl introduces her babysitter to a “Skype for strangers” chat site called The Den--

Oops. Wrong movie. This one’s called Hide & Chat and has the exciting twist that if you type “I did it for the lulz” three times, a masked man with a smiley face burlap mask will appear and brutally murder the stranger on the other side of your webcam. Naturally, the shocked babysitter goes home to immediately hop on Hide & Chat, befriend a stranger, and be fatally lulzed.

We next meet Ashley, an innocent college freshman moving in with her harder partying pal Elizabeth--

Wait. That’s not it. Though she may indeed be played by The Den’s Melanie Papalia, Ashley’s roommate is named Proxy. Because that’s apparently a thing (as are the names Binder, Crash, Kells, and Zane). 

Proxy is all about corrupting the willing Ashley, introducing her to pot, alcohol, and group of fellow college students who enjoy web pranks. It doesn’t take long for the obnoxious gang of millenials to spruce up a typical keg party with an invitation to Smiley.

Ashley is horrified by the tale so naturally, her and Proxy go home and triple lulz a stranger together to prove that it’s real. When she tries to report the events, Ashely receives the typical dubious stares from the police officers. It doesn’t help when we discover she’s bipolar and not currently on medication. 

What follows is many a dream upon dream upon dream sequence, as well as a few red herrings and a random performance by Broadway’s Roger Bart as a whiskey happy professor. Directed by newcomer Michael J. Gallagher, Smiley’s biggest problem lies in its tonal confusion. Ashley’s troubles seem to be taken seriously, but the movie as a whole can’t seem to decide if there’s genuine tragedy in these internet horrors. 

High Points

Filing under “other things this film has in common with The Den,” Smiley opens with a shockingly effective jump scare

While we’re on the “things this has in common with The Den,” let’s give a hand to the incredibly likable Caitlin Gerard, who manages to be extremely sympathetic in the lead role, even when the movie doesn’t quite know how to maximize her talents

Low Points

I actually dug the twist ending, but when you start to think back to some of the logic of it, I don’t know that it holds up

Lessons Learned

You don’t get to be king of the internet assholes without making a few enemies (and apparently, a lot of shitty mixed drinks)

Computer geniuses prefer to be called nerds

Dungeonmasters usually don’t get the princess

Common Mistake

I did not do it for the lutz

I did not do it for the lutz

Instead, I did it for the lulz

Pneumonic Device For Life

Look, there’s no shame in admitting that like 95% of the general population, you can never remember which one is Keith David and which one is David Keith. Well folks, I have the key to never mixing this up again, providing you were a fan of Six Feet Under. It goes something like this:

David & Keith were a couple.

This is David.

This is Keith.

This is David Keith.

This is Keith David.

Problem solved. 

Rent/Bury/Buy

Guys, I’ve seen worse horror movies than Smiley. Wayyyyyyyy worse movies. I realize that isn’t a ringing endorsement, but I guess I was just expecting something far less watchable based on word of mouth. It has plenty of dopey moments, but Gerard makes for a sympathetic lead and the internet twist on Candyma/Bloody Mary lore has its own appeal. I’m not telling anybody to invest in a watch, but it’s streaming on Amazon Prime and well, it’s one way to pass the time.

Skyping For Sociopaths

Another day in the 21st century, another found footage horror film on Instant Watch.

This is how we live now.

Quick Plot: Elizabeth is an enterprising young lady attempting to get a research grant that will allow her to spend more time on "The Den," a video chat website that lets you talk to other users across the world. In between adorable stuffed animal penis performances and the occasional decent conversation, Elizabeth stumbles upon the profile of a seemingly normal teenage girl who very quickly begins asking some unusual questions.

It doesn't take long for Elizabeth's new pal--or whoever might be manipulating the profile--to infiltrate her computer, capturing a steamy evening with her and her boyfriend and sharing the video with Elizabeth's professional connections. Things get worse when Elizabeth enters The Den to discover her normal teenage girl pal tied up and murdered right on camera.

Naturally, it's a hard crime to sell to local policemen. Even Elizabeth's boyfriend and programmer friend believe it to be a well-executed prank. We as the audience know better once Elizabeth's computer sends another friend a message to come over, only to have Elizabeth follow up with a visit that reveals her friend to be dying in a bath of her own blood.

As horror fans, we've all probably seen A LOT of found footage indies, some of which have relied as much on Skype-based conversations as they have the dreaded shaky cam. Much like the similarly toned (and very underrated) Megan Is Missing, The Den mixes up the point of view by primarily taking place primarily inside Elizabeth’s computer, sort of like that recent Modern Family episode.

Such a decision could have yielded a very annoying movie, but thankfully, director Zachary Donohue manages to keep The Den’s pacing and mystery strong throughout its fairly brief running time. Lead actress Melanie Papalia is also quite natural and makes you genuinely care about her fate. This is a dark film with more than a dose of nihilism at its core, one that could have ultimately felt nasty and unpleasant if mishandled. It’s vital that Donohue treats his material with weight. Once the real danger becomes apparent, The Den never toys with making light of just how terrible and sad its world really is.

High Points

As Elizabeth, Melanie Papalia is instantly likable and worth rooting for. Found footage video cam horror can't be an easy acting job, but Papalia keeps you on her side throughout the film. It helps that the film actually lets her make pretty smart decisions and impressive self defense instincts as things escalate 

Low Points

...perhaps save for the initial “look lady, you’re putting yourself out there in a world filled with bonafide weirdos. You might want to be a tad more careful 

Lessons Learned

The Internet is filled with people that really like boobs

Never give the boyfriend that you're not that into the password to your computer

Did Strangeland teach us nothing other than nobody really wants to see Dee Snider’s nipple rings? Seriously people, stay out of chat rooms. We should have learned that in the ‘90s

Rent/Bury/Buy

Now streaming on Instant Watch, The Den is a fairly effective little sliver of found footage horror. It’s not necessarily the best of its subgenre, but I found it to be involving and disturbing. Most importantly, the fact that its lead character puts up such a good fight makes it a little more notable than many of its peers. I wouldn’t want a sequel to this particular film, but I eagerly look forward to what director Donohue does next.