Hell Hath No Fury Like a Theater Kid Spurned

 

Saw ripoffs have a very, very special place in my heart. They're mostly terrible but sometimes, if you're lucky, they're terrible in such bizarre ways that you can't help but be entertained.

Quick Plot: Eight adults awaken in ugly jumpsuits and an uglier dungeon furnished with a toolbox of weapons and a camera to watch their moves. Yes, it's the same setup as at least ten low budget horror movies a year post-Saw, but this one has one of the more hilarious twists I've ever seen (and folks, I've seen a LOT of these kinds of movies).

See normally, "eight adults" is actually "eight strangers" but in this case, they're coworkers. From the janitor to the superintendent, it's a full roster of high school employees who were all complicit in the suicide of a former teacher. Their crime?

Hold onto your diploma for my favorite SPOILER ALERT of all time: they defunded the theater department.

No, seriously.

See, the late teacher in question lost her reason to live after she lost the chance to direct an adaptation of And Then There Were None (which according to this film's exposition, was a "short story turned into a play written by Agatha Christie"). This led her bitter mother to hire assassin The Warden played by a fully masked Costas Mandylor (as if this production couldn't afford his cheekbones) to kidnap a batch of the people she held responsible to broadcast their torture across The Internet.

Yes, there's an INTERNET component to this movie, which brings in my other favorite element of Death Count: THE COPS.

Michael Madsen "stars" as the veteran detective who misses the old days (you know, before kids did things like TEXTING). After having far too great a time making jokes about the possible mutilation and death of 8 (fairly) innocent people, he and his partner are able to locate the game, thanks in no small part to that AWFUL thing called "the internet".

In their defense, there's little to WANT to save about these people. Aside from our lead Rachel (probably the only passable performance by Sarah French), these characters are not just stupid, but inconsistently stupid. The Warden issues clear instructions with clear, proven consequences (Battle Royale head explosion devices, mustard gas poisoning, and so on). Every round, one player vehemently refuses to participate and dies horribly while the others scream at them to just follow the rules. The next round, one of the former screamers...vehemently refuses to participate and dies horribly.

At just 82 minutes (the last two of which switch gears to an even more hilarious commentary by strangers who watched the events of the movie on the INTERNET) Death Count wastes little time. It probably couldn't, as it seems fairly clear that actors filmed most of their scenes over the course of a day or two (more likely, a day...probably, a morning). 

This is my kind of mess.

High Points
Nothing here looks pretty, but credit must be given to the effects team who do some genuinely gnarly work when it comes to the horrific death devices

Low Points

The "lots of stressed kidnappees screaming wildly" element is standard for these kinds of movies, but that doesn't mean it's ever enjoyable

Kooky Credits
I always enjoy the "special thanks" section of a movie like this and by golly, Death Count did not disappoint because this film has FOUR categorizations of gratitude in an order that makes me even more confused. In descending order, we get:
1) WISH TO THANK
2) VERY SPECIAL THANKS
3) SPECIAL THANKS
4) THANKS

Shockingly, "the filmmakers of Saw" are never mentioned, which is strange because the movie itself name-checks that franchise at least four times.

Lessons Learned
Qualifications for being the superintendent do not include knowing how fire works

A good detective never wastes a half-eaten banana

Friendship should be earned, not retweeted

Rent/Bury/Buy
If I wasn't clear, let me be so here: this is a terrible movie. You will hate everyone on camera, chuckle at their ineptitude, then roar at the extreme way they're punished. Sadly we don't have any Saw sharks, but Michael Madsen gets to cash his check and writers Rolfe Kanefsky and Michael Merino teach an intense lesson about what happens when you defund the arts. Required viewing for school boards everywhere.

The Moronic Shall Inherit the Earth

When a film’s keywords include post apocalypse and cannibalism, it’s bound to be of interest to a certain fan constituent. Add the always entertaining Vinnie Jones, the always interestingly odd Michael Madsen, the always nerd king Robert Carradine, and the always welcome convenience of Netflix Instant Watch and you earn a quick viewing by me.

Unfortunately, Tooth and Nail--a 2007 thriller featured in the 8 Films To Die For After Dark Horrorfestl--never lives up to its promising presence, mostly because it contains characters devoid of even a peanut shell worth of common sense.

Quick Plot: Three years after the world’s supply of gasoline has run dry, scattered Foragers (the good guys, because they are pretty) and Rovers (villains who shop at Thunderdome) are all that’s left. Led by “The Professor” (Carradine), the Foragers hold up in a roomy hospital, occasionally roller skating, aimlessly, having fully clothed sex, and exchanging blank glances at one another seeped in quiet worry. Their biodome-esque existence gets shaken when a few of their scouts return with Neon (Rachel Miner) who, aside from being the stupidest named character in recent cinema, also brings unwelcome news that the Rovers are hot on her ponytail.

I often complain about IMDB message boards because typically, they remind me of a future first glimpsed at in Idiocracy. Following Tooth and Nail, I randomly popped by the forums and was surprised to find this thoughtful post by mysterious user pbohn1:

“I've seen this in other posts, so I thought I'd make it my own thread. I'm so sick of "Suspension of disbelief" being used as an excuse for lazy writing. Just because it's a movie doesn't mean that you can just decide to throw all logic and reason out the window and then simply say "It doesn't have to make sense or be logical. It's a movie." That's just some bogus justification for "We couldn't actually come up with a plausable (sic) end of world scenario that hasn't been done before." 

I forgive Dawn of the Dead for its female characters not cutting off their ponytails when being chased by grabby grabby zombies, just as I give a pass to Bryce Dallas Howard’s complimentary lip gloss in Terminator Salvation. There’s a certain point that I can sit back and enjoy a film, despite its inconsistencies or plot holes. When every character onscreen, however, seems incapable of doing a single thing right...sigh.

Surviving an apocalypse is tough stuff (I will probably not make it). You have to be brutal, strong, smart, and disciplined. In other words, if you know that a gang of murderers is heading to your home base at sundown, would you (or, for that matter, your mentally retarded turtle) wait until late dusk to scurry to a hiding spot? When one of your people is missing and a bucket of blood is all that’s left, do you “go looking for him” outside, sans weapons, with your hands in your pockets and a stupid smile on your face?

Tooth and Nail is filled with moments like these, dumb character choices that make you root for their deaths in the name of protecting the human race’s last scraps of intelligence. There are indeed some interesting things going on (despite a ripped-from Mad Max premise straight down to the frizzy haired mute child) but it’s hard to stay involved in a film when you just want to put its entire cast into special needs classes.

High Points

Though none of the cannibal raids quite live up to their potential, director Mark Young does demonstrate some skill at building a tense and-soon-the-darkness setup

I haven’t seen much of Michael Kelly since his surprisingly effective turn in Dawn of the Dead, and he’s a welcome--if underused--presence here

Low Points

Anybody else bothered by this line?

“Within three years more than two-thirds of the world's population had starved to death, frozen to death, or slaughtered each other. The American dream became the American nightmare.”

What is the logical connection between “the world’s population” and “The American dream”? It just feels like lazy writing, a narrative clump of cliches trying to make Big Statements that don’t even link.

Lessons Learned

When planning on annihilating a cannibal gang, always take the time to savage yourself out with tribal facepaint. It makes all the difference in your stab strength.

If your evening’s plans include eluding a band of violent cannibals indoors, you’re probably better off replacing clunky heels with soft-toed shoes

Keep a can of sulfuric acid nearby at all times. It’s way more effective than a rape whistle

Young actresses: never agree to a participate in a sex scene with Rider Strong. His porn-ready name not withstanding, these moments generally feel awkward on camera and lead to your inevitable onscreen death

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’m not necessarily discouraging a Tooth and Nail watch, providing it costs little to no money and you’re already an apocalyptic fan. It’s a messy, uneven film not really sure of itself but there is a neat (if fairly obvious) twist and some enjoyable giggling by a mowhawked Vinnie Jones along the way. If you can get by the fact that everybody onscreen is an idiot, you may be okay.