Quick Change

I know I say it every time I cover a film from this time period, but my GOSH: those mid 2000s were an ugly, ugly time in horror. 

With that said, Pathology!

Quick Plot: A quick pre-credits sequence shows us a bunch of young people making corpses talk like ventriloquists. So basically, we already know we're going to be spending the next 90 minutes with some awful people. AWESOME.

They're quickly proven to be worse than you think. Dr. Ted Gray, after graduating at the top of his medical school class, is the fresh face at an incredibly prestigious, incredibly white pathology residency filled with alphas. They spend their days cutting up corpses and evenings doing what they can to add to the pile.

As Flatliners and other medical school-centered horror movies have told us, young doctors are sociopaths. In the case of Pathology, they're insufferable sociopaths who have made a game out of committing undetectable murders on the city's undesirables. 

Dr. Ted Gray (like the characters in the movie, I too will refer to everyone by their full names) quickly falls in line, stabbing and liquid nitrogen poisoning like the best of them. Despite being engaged to Alyssa Milano, Dr. Ted Gray starts sleeping with Dr. Juliette Bath, one of his classmates who's already in a relationship with Dr. Catherine Ivy and/or Dr. Jake Gallo (it's never exactly clear how this trio works).

Not shockingly, things escalate. Dr. Jake Gallo grows progressively unhinged right as Alyssa Milano (not a doctor, so I'll just use her regular name in full) comes to stay with Dr. Ted Gray, riling his nightly activities. 

Pathology is directed by Marc Schölermann from a script courtesy of Crank and Gamer's Neveldine and Taylor. Considering that duo's bonanza energy in other products, I get the feeling that the gloomy end result onscreen comes more from the final execution. On the page, I can almost see where Pathology had something going for it. The actual concept feels fresh, and the final act tosses in multiple twists that actually surprised me. 

Unfortunately, it's a slog to get there. Dr. Ted Gray makes no sense as a character. He's introduced as the kind of hopeful youth who dutifully spends three months in Africa on a volunteer mission, then falls in line with actual murder in less than one week drinking with the atrocious Dr. Jake Gallo. He has Alyssa Milano in his arms yet shows not a morsel of remorse in shagging Dr. Juliette Bath on the same sectional where the latter's abusive father has just been murdered. Had Dr. Ted Gray (sorry, but I can't not keep doing it) been given a hint of a backstory or one more scene to explain how someone could so quickly toss his morals away, maybe, just maybe we could at least understand, if not sympathize. 

That's not Pathology's only problem. On paper, this should be shocking. Made in the second act of the Saw franchise's success, there's little spared in bloody body part closeups or boobs. An early montage tries so hard to be shocking that it shoves two women doing meth in between making out over the bloodied corpse of a murder victim in slow motion. CAN YOU HANDLE THIS EDGINESS? Pathology seems to scream. 

Yes, but that doesn't mean we want to. 

High Points

This involves a spoiler and a lot of cooperation with my 25 year obsession with Olivia Benson and Law & Order: SVU. 

You have been warned.

There's a running rule for the show that states without exception that anytime the squad's family members are involved in an episode, I as a viewer will be miserable. Rollins' wayward sister just makes life hard, Tutuola's nightmare nephew ruins careers, Elliot's bushel of children always get in the way, and so on. I can write volumes on how just unreasonably deep my hatred for Benson's son Noah runs, but if you can possibly believe it, there's a relation that's even worse: Simon Marsden.

Simon shows up in season 8 and appears five times over the next several years. He's the long-lost half brother of Olivia Benson who, aside from having a rapist father, finds himself on the wrong side of the law in a variety of cases. 

All of these episodes are terrible and annoying, and make our stalwart heroine look like an idiot in the name of saving her terrible horrible no good very bad half-brother who can't make a single good decision to save his short life. To be clear: THIS MAN IS WORSE THAN NOAH BENSON.

I hate this character. What, you ask, does that have anything to do with 2008's Pathology? It's a dull answer: the actor. Michael Weston plays both Simon and Dr. Jake Gallo, so if nothing else, I thank Pathology for SPOILER ALERT, giving me another death scene for one of my least favorite people ever to appear on my television screen. 

Low Points

There's so much to be annoyed at with Pathology, but I really do think its major error comes in how little it thinks the audience needs to go on a journey with its lead. Milo Ventimiglia is perfectly fine as Dr. Ted Gray (NOT STOPPING), but he gets absolutely nothing to work with in terms of why an intelligent young man would suddenly throw everything away to part with Olivia Benson's kin. As a result, it is truly impossible to invest any kind of feeling in what happens to anyone in this movie. What a weird choice

Lessons Learned

Never cut into the poop pipe

Pathology season really picks up during the holidays

The feeling of guilt is actually the fear of getting caught

Rent/Bury/Buy

I sort of hated Pathology, but I can also concede that it's going for something fairly different, particularly during this rough patch of late aughts horror. I don't know anyone that I'd directly recommend it to, but hey, if you're in the market for a grisly medical school Fight Club with less nuance and more female nudity, here you go. Find it now on Max, or HBO, or whatever we're calling it by the time this post goes live. 

Michael C. Hall Can Breach My Firewall Any Day...Especially February 1st

In honor of Michael C. Hall’s Groundhog’s Day’s Eve birthday, I give you my review of Gamer.

Oh. Are you wondering why I know that Dexter Morgan’s less sociopathic half will be eating cake tonight? Aside from the fact that I happen to be his casual stalker, I’m also his birthday buddy. So balloons and bawdy movies for all!

Quick Plot: In the near future, gaming has reached new levels of depraved reality. Remember the controversy of those Easter egg codes that let your Grand Theft Auto alter ego do more things to hoes than just punch them in the face? Pfff, that’s as antiquated as Paper Boy bicycle accidents on Gameboy ’89.

The current trend to gluttonously devour bourgeoisie leisure time is Society, the next-level Sim City wherein players can control the motor functions of real-life avatars wandering a neon-hued candyland of vice. What’s better than being a sweaty 300+ pounder of sweat and sin vicariously living through Amber Valleta (who just happens to use the same hair dresser as Milla Jovovich, circa The 5th Element)? Oh, there’s something.

How about using that same technology for a Running Man/The Condemned game, with graphics that make Metal Gear Solid look like Atari? Slayers takes death row inmates (convenient that there’s always a bunch of those guys lying around for these kinds of dystopian action romps, eh?) and puts them in life-or-death battles. Like Society, each “Slayer” has some fancy chipwork in his brain that allows human gamers to direct their bodies to point and shoot. What makes Slayers such a hit is the caveat that each man can actually be killed midst game.

Stepping into Jason Statham’s well-used shoes is Gerard Butler as John Tilman, aka Kable in the Slayer universe. Having survived 27 battles, Tilman is just three games away from winning his freedom and reuniting with his token wife and daughter. His puppet master is a spoiled rich kid Simon (well-played by Logan Lerman) who's slowly developing a conscience as a group of punk rebels plot to tear down the system of mind-controlled gaming.

Makes perfect sense, right? All this is the dream child of Michael C. Hall’s Ken Castle, a Steve Jobs-like genius with a silver tongue and smooth soft shoe. And naturally, a hazy set of morals that allows Gamer to summon a mean and manic spirit.

Written and directed by the Crank team of  Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, Gamer is a wacky ride into videogame hell. Like The Running Man, it’s a film built on an intriguing and intelligent concept that mixes morality with media, but unlike something like Total Recall, it doesn’t quite master the balance. There are some clever moments of satire sprinkled throughout, but once Ludacris’s real-world crusaders take over the ethics debate with vague statements about humanity, Gamer loses a bit of its edge. 

But you probably won’t rent Gamer for its political or social agenda, especially if you picked it up based on Neveldine and Taylor’s pedigree. As an action film, Gamer is decent enough, depending on your taste buds for fast cuts and hyperactive visuals. Butler imbues his hero with a sympathetic growl and believable edge, but but following him through the grainy war scenes or epilepsy-inducing rave rooms feels a little too, well, video game-ish for my sensibilities. Obviously, this is probably the point and not necessarily a general criticism. It’s just not my style.

Similarly, the virtual reality (to the extreme!) themes are explored in rather neat ways, even if the film doesn’t really have the time to deal with their possibilities. Yes, we’ve seen this story in The Matrix and other tales, but Gamer has a lot of fun with its premise, both for the serious-minding sci-fi fans and the action audience in need of a few good shootouts. 

High Points

Rhymes with Cycle Hee Mall. Granted, I’ve been a fan of his work since his complex David Fisher slowly learned to accept himself on Six Feet Under, but it’s truly a blast to see Hall get to have so much fun with a role he makes his own. Plus, dance moves!

Although a whole film set in Society would give me a sugar-rushed headache, the depiction of this world was rather innovative. Watching Amber Valleta blankly wade through an artificial landscape--her body knowing who she is but all motor functions betraying her--is fascinating and haunting.

Low Points

As someone with less skill at modern videogames than an arthritic senior citizen, I’m probably biased, but the fast edit game style action sequences simply felt a tad too jumbled for my senses to ever grip onto

The underground freedom fighters seem more like an easy connecting plot device than fully realized revolutionaries

Lessons Learned

Pistachio butter exists and it is awesome

Stockholders, take note: Best Buy will be in business for a long time

In the near future, the FCC will loosen regulations on language and cigarette use in primetime news

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is one of the few films reviewed here that people I actually speak to (in the real world) have seen, and of those flesh-and-blood breathers, none haven’t enjoyed Gamer. My main quibbles probably stem from my general lack of video game experience, but Gamer is a treat, particularly if you enjoy these kinds of media-centered action movies infused with a dose of sci-fi intelligence. The DVD includes an extensive featurette , crowded commentary, and a few more goodies that diehard fans will have fun with. Gamer is a little too light and muddled to be a future classic, but there’s a lot here to enjoy. 


Namely, this: