Rosemary's Less Interesting Baby

When making a horror movie in found footage stye, ask yourself a question:

Why?

I don’t mean that as an accusatory “found footage SUCKS!” declaration. I’ve liked and loved many a film made in that style, be it the powerful Megan Is Missing or the surprisingly fun The Visit. The subgenre itself is not a problem. The reasoning behind it, however, often is. 

Quick Plot: Sam and Zach McCall are an attractive and madly in love young couple enjoying their honeymoon in the Dominican Republic. On their last night there, they visit a shady palm reader who sees doom and death in Sam’s future. 

As all palm readers in horror movies do.

The McCalls hail a cab driven by a friendly and eager local who convinces them to hit one last nightclub before they go home. Naturally, said trip is a setup to get the couple wasted enough that a satanic cult can impregnate Sam with an evil spawn. 

Like I’m not telling you anything you didn’t know. Have you READ a travel book?

Back home, Sam and Zach are excited to welcome the new addition to their family...at first. It doesn’t take long for the vegetarian mom-to-be to start craving raw meat, getting massive nose bleeds, and causing her priest to have a demonic stroke in the middle of communion.

Thankfully, Zach has been documenting the entire process because like most of the young men starring in horror movies made during the 21st century, Zach really likes to hold a camera, record hundreds of hours of footage, and never watch a single frame. When he finally sits down to show his friends what his camera has caught, the footage disappears.

So I ask you: why the hell was this made as a found footage film?

In general, found footage is a choice that’s typically used to put the main characters closer to the point of view of the audience. You can shake your camera all you want if your viewers are fully in place. Other films, such as Meadowoods, might use the gimmick just because it works better with capturing a certain aspect of its characters or story.

Then there’s Devil’s Due.

I’d like to cite an IMDB trivia tidbit that might explain some of my bafflement with this movie:

The decision was made by the filmmakers to move the movie away from the previous "found footage" tropes (such as the use of a framing device, a linear narrative and a non-recognizable cast) and into a story "told through cameras that exist in the world of the characters" much like Chronicle. This is demonstrated throughout, including the deliberate absence of a framing device, the use of an animated opening quote, a recognizable cast, a non-chronological narrative structure and a final music cue that is playing in the taxi becomes the end-credits song.

So. We’re going to make our movie in found footage style, but we’re not going to make it that way for any reason whatsoever. We’re going to ask our audience to watch a movie heavy with shaky cam antics because, well, we’re doing something different. We’re going to throw alternate viewpoints that couldn’t possibly come from any recording device during or big finale because, well, we’re not following the rules of found footage so we don’t have to explain ourselves in any way.

Huh?

Look, I’m in no way saying a movie can’t do its own thing. If you want to follow a found footage format for your first hour and switch to a standard narrative, that’s just FINE, District 9. But what co-directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett (they of one of the mediocre V/H/S segments) do is simply mind bogglingly stupid. Why hamper your filmmaking with restrictions that do nothing to enhance the experience for your audience? Devil’s Due was probably never going to be a great movie, but as a straight narrative film, it might have at least have been watchable. Instead, the decision to show it as a collage of security cameras and cell phone video just makes it, well, pretty crappy.

High Points

They don’t get much at all to work with, but  the lead actors (Allison Miller and Friday Night Lights' Zach Gilford) are quite natural and do their best

Low Points

Aside from the many aforementioned drawbacks of found footage filmmaking, perhaps the most annoying and ubiquitous is how every male holding a camera has to, at a key moment, default into a chorus of “what the f#ck”

Lessons Learned

No matter how much you’re getting tossed around a forest like a frisbee by a cow-eating satanist, never, ever never, I really do mean never, drop your videocamera

The friendlier the cab driver, the higher the probability that he’s a satanist

Satanic pregnancy due date predictions are shockingly accurate

Rent/Bury/Buy

Devil’s Due might be of interest to those fascinated by pregnancy horror or found footage experts curious to see a new method of misusing the format. At 90 minutes, it won’t kill your kill your will to live, but considering how many better movies there are out there, why bother?

The Devil Made Me Do It. Or Maybe It Was Being Homeschooled

When done right, demonic possession is a something that can disturb movie viewers like few other horror tropes. Sure, the idea of seeing our friends rise from the dead to eat our brains is discomforting and tearing our clothing every full moon cycle sounds unpleasant, but the idea of something evil inhabiting our own body as we sit trapped inside is a deeply dark level of human horror. There’s a reason The Exorcist had the effect it did on Friday night movie house audiences, and while I’ll personally always prefer its third telling, I can certainly understand why William Friedken’s work turned stomachs and twisted minds in the 1970s.

Exorcismus has an interesting angle to take on the possession theme. Much like the rather outstanding The Last Exorcism, it toys with the idea of repression and adolescence as the cause/explanation of what might not actually be a demon inhabitation. It’s a good start.

Quick Plot: Emma is your typically moody 15 year old teenager with a less common problem: being home-schooled by her square dad and super Catholic mom alongside her younger do-gooder brother. That kind of schedule can drive a young woman to extremes, be they hanging out with ill-behaved friends or, you know, slicing open her palm to invite Satan in to party.

After getting strange visions of cockroach infestation, having seizures in the kitchen and maybe causing her psychologist’s heart attack, Emma’s problem becomes a tad more serious. Thankfully--or not--her uncle John happens to be a priest with his own experience/failure performing exorcisms on teenage girls. 

The main thrust of Exorcismus is the constant questioning of whether or not Emma is indeed possessed. On that front, the film has some interesting themes to play with. Emma is unhappy being home-schooled and the results have built up a solid frustration souring her on all fronts, especially towards her family. Even Emma herself is unsure whether the demon inside her is of supernatural origin. For all she knows, it may be mental illness that her overeager uncle is simply too quick to misdiagnose.

Exorcismus is a well-directed and acted film (even underneath British dubbing), but it never seemed to reel me in. Filmed in a close, occasionally shaky-cam style, it has an effectively claustrophobic feel that does well in capturing Emma’s own confused psyche.   At the same time, the story’s reluctance to ever commit to horror or family drama goes on too long to the point where its final decision comes more with a ‘finally’ than ‘a-ha!’

High Notes

Yes, you’ve also seen it in The Last Exorcism, but the parallels between repressed womanhood and demonic possession are done quite well here, especially in the hands of lead actress Sophie Vavasseur (yes, she's dubbed in the Instant Watch version, but her physical acting is still vital)

Low Notes

Maybe it was Exorcismus’ slow pacing that eventually segues into an awkwardly fit twist, but I just couldn’t truly find my way into the film’s storytelling

Lessons Learned

“Just wait to see if it happens again” is not the best attitude to take when your daughter is having seizures

Catholics get off on all that Satan crap

Car accidents that take place in super slow motion are typically 95% more fatal than those in real time

Rent/Bury/Buy

Available on Instant Watch through IFC Films, Exorcismus is a perfectly competent possession yarn that might indeed lend you some creeps or something to ponder. It never grabbed me, but I won’t deny that Manuel Carballo’s direction had some freshness about it that made the film a decent way to spend 90 minutes or so. Fans of Exorcist-ish cinema will probably enjoy it, while those looking to catch a few minutes of Doug Bradley sans pins in his head will at least get that.

It just doesn’t look right.

All Of Them Busty Witches

Considering I generally find Netflix’s ‘erotic thrillers’ hilarious (see: Blood Gnome) I couldn’t think of any reason NOT to watch Witch’s Sabbath.

None. At. Atll.

Quick Plot: A coven of witches led by the artificially large chested Auriana (the fairly amazingly named Syn DeVil) run a well-lit strip club to lure its patrons into an after party held at a private mansion. Once there, randy men and their occasionally bored girlfriends get their faces clawed off and souls sent to Satan as their blood spurts all over naked porn stars like...well...you know.

But they get to see boobs! LOTS of them! Real ones, fake ones, ones wrapped in black leather, ones thinly veiled by fishnet, ones awkwardly coddled by unattractive men...

Yup, as I often find myself saying here, I don’t know that I was the target audience for this film.

And yet...and yet...I actually found myself enjoying Witch’s Sabbath, poorly punctuated title be damned. Though it’s about as sexy as a podiatrist’s waiting room, the film has a genuinely fun spirit about itself and far more energetic performances than you’d find in most of the cast’s back catalog (including porn star Lisa Sparxxx, whose credits include the phenomenally titled Ass Good Ass It Gets, MILF Busters, and the fifth entry in the My Hot Wife Is Fucking Blackzilla! franchise). Even Ron Jeremy shows up for a “special appearance” playing a bible salesman who occasionally dips into a southern accent because, you know, that’s what a bible salesman does. Also, his name is Craven Moorehead which...let’s face it, is amusing.

As the witches amass their collection of souls to feed to the land-bound octopus they call Satan, we switch to the sunnier side of town to meet Eliza, a selectively intelligent blond whose boyfriend likes to play wacky non-sex games such as wearing a black ski cap and sneaking outside her window for kicks. 

No seriously, it’s not a sex thing.

Eliza and her doofy boyfriend Seth decide to visit his favorite strip club along with his never-been-kissed best friend and a poor soul of a blind date. The foursome get a private invite to--whaddya know--a Halloween party at Auriana’s mansion where body limbs fly, ugly leopard print plastic raincoats get stained, and secrets are revealed.

Also, we see more boobs. But you knew that already.

High Points

It’s no secret that I’m a crazy cat lady in training, so the fact that Witch’s Sabbath took the trouble to actually cast and zoom in on a kitten for the all important line “Travis can’t speak right now. My cat has his tongue!” is well appreciated by me

For a cheaply made nudie-horror, Witch’s Sabbath sure put a lot of energy into its gore, and it shows. Sure, some of the severed heads look straight off a Spencer’s Gifts shelf, but there are some gooily great blood squirtings that shows the filmmakers were far more ambitious than something like, say, Santa Claws

Low Points

I get director Jeff Leroy wasn’t thinking of me, a straight woman, while making this film, but does that HAVE to mean that the men get to watch Playboy knockoff centerfolds and I get...well...Ron Jeremy?

Lessons Learned

You can’t break a cop’s wrist! (except you totally can)

Politely applauding at a strip club is also known as getting out of control

Asking “Who’s there? Please, if there’s someone out there, just go away,” when you suspect a prowler is outside your window will most likely not get the results you’re looking for

Remember, Travis plans on getting laid tonight

The going rate for convincing your friend to accepting a blind date with a socially incompetent creep? One pair of earrings

The Winning Line

“Where you going? Crazy ass witch with titties.”

I wonder so hard how many takes it took for the actor to say this without cracking up. I don’t think I can count that high

Credits Curiosity

The opening credits boast a “special appearance by Ron Jeremy,” prompting me to wonder: is that really so special? Doesn’t that guy show up to the opening of a Subway restaurant or pizza buffet?

Rent/Bury/Buy

For a softcore horror porn, Witch’s Sabbath is surprisingly entertaining. Most of the performances are quite sunny and the gore is as satisfying as any low budget gross-out. I wouldn’t recommend putting any money or energy towards it, but as an Instant Watch, it’s not the worst way to kill 83 minutes when NBC decides to show reruns of its shows one month into the fall season. This is why I try to limit my television watching.

Especially when I could just observe the weirdness of veiny fake boobs.

Quick Stops!

I know--and hope--that all of you are in the midst of Halloween celebration/preparation/domination, but should you require any audio accompaniment, might I recommend a download of this week's Gentleman's Guide to Midnite Cinema? Aside from being one of the very best movie podcasts out there, episode 155 features li'l ole moi discussing the finer points of genre classic Near Dark with GGTMC's Large William, along with a whole lot of other podcasting superstars. Get thee to iTunes!

The Pax will be waiting

Also of note (and on the page): I took a ride on my (satanic) broomstick over to The Lightning Bug's Lair to drop a batch of 13 recommendations for best devil-made-me-do-it horror (or animated musical) movies. A few of my favorites showed up--because how does one NOT include something as amazing as this--so you might guess what you're in for, but I promise a few surprises and more importantly, a fine review of The Omen by the Bug himself. Fly away!

I've got pumpkins to kill kiss tell secrets to snort cuddle with carve. 

Yeah, that's it...

Christmas With the Cassels

Sometimes one performance really can make a film. Other times, one performance plus a supporting turn in pregnant drag by the same insanely charismatic actor can simply win all.

Kim Chapiron‘s Sheitan will never be called an unmemorable movie. Derivative of other suggested inbred horror? Maybe. Annoying filmed and stocked with characters that need more face punching than a wormy Steven Dorff? You betcha. Unfocused and unresolved? You can say that.

But all these insults ignore the fact that as an eternally smiling bucktoothed animal loving satanic SOMETHING, Vincent Cassel gives one of the funnest, most bizarre and energetic performances I’ve ever seen. It’s almost a Christmas miracle.

Quick Plot: A trio of horny young men make some trouble at a horrifically seizure-inducing club on Christmas Eve. Enter the aptly named Eve, a mysterious temptress who brings the gang (plus too nice hanger-on Yasmine and a smelly unneutered pit mix) to her country home, a strange mansion filled with eerie puppets, a random gang of gangly goofs, and the pure perfection of Joseph, Cassel’s sweater vest (sans shirt) wearing caretaker.

Anyone who’s seen any of the hundres of TCM ripoffs knows something is amiss, and most of us have been well trained enough to predict the plot. Emotionally ugly party kids act obnoxious. EUPKs start getting suspicious. Someone is placed in a situation of seduction and dies horribly pre-orgasm. The remaining EUPKs fight back. One survives, typically amongst lots of screaming. A hit of sequel cues the credits. Rinse and repeat.

Except Sheitan has no plans whatsoever of retreading America’s favorite subgenre. Yes, the setup echoes a dozen other titles, but whether it’s defiant in not satisfying your predictions or just prefers to dally in the details, Sheitan simply avoids the final chase scenes we horror audiences are so conditioned to expect.

This doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a masterpiece of originality. By trying os hard to be bizarre, Sheitan occasionally just feels annoying. We care nothing for our leads, from their bastardly games of gas ‘n dash, cheating on girlfriends with no guilt, and generally, treating property as if it were their own personal urinal. Perhaps it’s refreshing to not have to worry about inevitable victims. But it also means we have to spend 90 minutes with their awfulness.

Is Sheitan a comedy? Maybe. There’s plenty of humor, including raunchy sight gags like Eve getting a goat milk facial. 

The Franklin character of Bart, an unhygienic, ill-mannered jerk, is quite fun to watch squirm, especially when it’s Cassel’s insane Joseph putting on the discomfort.  On the other hand, you get some horrifically creepy dolls that seem to tease you every moment as you wonder when they’ll suddenly engage in a French folk dance or stab someone’s eyes out with cheese knieves. And just when you think he can’t get any better, Cassel shows up with an unflattering banged wig and pregnant belly. At this point, you can’t not want to watch this movie.

Yet I honestly don’t know what in Eden I though of Sheitan. It defies typical horror conventions with such aggression that you simply can’t get a proper handle on what it is. That’s not a bad thing, but it also makes the film one tough nut to crack.

High Points

Did I mention Vincent Cassel is in this movie? DId I mention he’s beyond fabulous. Just to be clear: Vincent Cassel is in this movie and he is indeed beyond fabulous

Though it doesn’t really do too much with its December 25th setting, Sheitan is a refreshingly different alternative to the pile of killer Santa movies that hogs up xmas horror

Low Points

MINOR SPOILERS: When you make us hate characters as much as the guys (particularly the increasingly smarmy Ladj) why would you not show us their ultimate fates?

MINOR SPOILERS DONE

Lessons Learned

Tall men have a lot of strength in their upper leg region

Unevenly matched games of pool chicken have bigger dangers than your pride

If you don’t want the truly obnoxious men you’ve just met to play with your father’s handmade dolls, perhaps you should stop showing them every single room where said dolls are stored

French nightclubs=the driveway to hell. Why does that not surprise me?

Rent/Bury/Buy

You know those nights when you feel like doing something new and wacky, say, pouring hot sauce on popcorn or sleeping with your feet where your head usually rests? Sheitan is the film for those times, one you’ll recognize bits of from your favorite hick horror but ultimately be blindsided by its utter weirdness. Cassel fans simply can’t pass it by. In all honestly, I wouldn’t necessarily say I liked Sheitan, but the experience was one I won’t soon forget. 

And let’s face it. Any movie that gives us this:

is one worth watching

Give Me Something Nice to Eat (or my Satan will kill you)

I’m a sucker for anything set during Halloween, be it a Garfield special or Gossip Girl episode. Hence, when I learned a naughty little film directed by Jeff Lieberman (a man with a regular stay in the guest room of this Doll's House) AND that it was on Instant Watch, I blew my nose and hit play.


Quick Plot: Young Dougy is way too excited to go trick-or-treating with his sexy college aged sister Jenna, something their kooky mom (Amanda Plummer, because bless her squeaky heart, the woman can only ever play kooky) finds way too adorable. Plans get complicated when Jenna invites her new boyfriend Alex along the trip.

But what's this? It's Satan of course, and he's more than willing to ensure Dougy gets to date his big sis. See, Dougy's a big fan of a video game called Satan's Little Helper, so when a 6 1/2" tall man in a rubber mask that matches a certain characters shows up in town to "stage" a few murders, Dougy eagerly invites him to beat the candy corn out of Alex. Kids can be so darn darnable.

As you can probably guess, Dougy's big friend isn't (gasp) in costume! Well, maybe he is, since (mild spoiler) we never actually see his face. I'll assume it's grizzled with a kind softness akin to Danny Trejo.


The main issue I had with Satan's Little Helper, a film not without its quirky charm, is just how badly in need of some editing it was. The first 45 mintues or so just linger as Jenna and Mom make a costume, Dougy and Satan have some fun, Jenna tries on her costume, Alex hangs out, Dougy and Satan have more (predictable) fun, Jenna and Alex hang out, and...

you get my drift. Though there are a few genuinely funny bits, Satan's Little Helper is the filmic personification of a loiterer or, more fittingly, a party guest that brings a six pack of your favorite beer, but who then starts to grate on your friends' nerves, clogs the toilet, feeds your dog onions, and naturally, is the very last one to leave.


High Points
I give a lot of credit to actress Katheryn Winnick, a pretty young woman saddled with some truly painful dialogue (including some as a medieval slut wench) and cringe-inducing moments, yet still comes off as likable

As I grow closer to 'adult age' (I'm guessing that's when a tail starts growing?) Halloween parties become quite hit-or-miss events. Though I'll never tire of red punch from a skeleton bowl, it can be worrisome to see certain friends and acquaintances who believe the night is theirs to dress and act in ways that will forever make them seem lesser. Satan's Little Helper gets that

Low Points
On the whole, the picture and sound quality is quite good for such a (what I assume and hope to be) low budget film.  It still would have been nice to have some conversations not muffled through masks


Lessons Learned
Incest isn’t taught in school until after the third grade

You may already have caught this in Toy Story 3, but always keep in mind that red strappy heels are sometimes a dead giveaway to your identity


During martial law, the best thing you can possibly do is raid a costume shop


Rent/Bury/Buy
I'm still amazed by the low number of true Halloween-themed horror films, so for that matter, one could do worse than Satan's Little Helper (Halloween 5=way less fun). This isn't good, but it has much higher production values than many other cheapies riding the Instant Watch wave and does offer a few creative laughs at the expenses of baby strollers, pregnant women, and stupid children. Classier than Troma, but not so classy that it won't try to force you to picture Amanda Plummer dressed up like a Renaissance whore.