If Only They Were Neutered...

When it comes to filmmaking, one of the best ways to earn some audience bonus points is to simply add a whole lot of affection for genre cinema. Shaun of the Dead remains a beloved classic not just because it’s clever, but because it taps into the mind and heart of horror afficionados who like their Fulci & Foree references subtle and classy.

Doghouse, a horror-comedy directed by Jake West, is clearly made by people who love horror. You would probably guess that by the mere fact that one major character owns a comic store and makes hourly references to The Evil Dead, or, through minor research (i.e., scrolling down IMDB) learning that West himself has made documentaries about--take a guess--The Evil Dead. You probably already know what type of film you're about to be watching.


Quick Plot: Vince (Li'l Al Capone from Boardwalk Empire, a fine actor that probably has a real name that’s not nearly as much fun to say as Li'l Al Capone) is down in the dumps as he recovers from a recent divorce. To cheer him up, his assorted male mates decide to rent a bus (which includes a plucky blond bus driver) and do some relaxing in the small village where pal MIkey grew up. Sounds like a lovely plan, which in horror filmese translates into a terrible idea that will bring about cannibalism, cross-dressing, and cursing.

See, the town of Moodley is having some issues, namely, the minor tourist-killing tradition wherein all the females have been turned into hungry man-hating/man-eating zombies. It’s a minor inconvenience.

Our heroes, it should also be said, are closer in vein to Shaun and Ed than Roger and Peter. The best plans they can come up with almost exclusively include novelty items from an abandoned toy shop, which is actually quite awesome. Would you believe me when I said the best and most suspenseful scene the of film features a remote-controlled car with a decapitated head riding shotgun?

That, of course, is part of Doghouse’s problem, as it never quite masters that fine balance between silly goofs and genuine scares. It will make you laugh, whether by way of zombie with a walker or a geek homage, but it just doesn’t have that lasting emotional weight of, well, Shaun of the Dead. A good time, just not one nearly as memorable.

High Points

Though Doghouse isn’t going for breaking the zombie mold, it does produce some interesting twists on the infection. Yes, we’ve seen the military-virus-for-better-war-practices angle before, but how the actual monsters evolve is rather neat

Mild spoiler: by about the 45 minute mark, I started to wonder if anyone was actually going to die in this movie. Doghouse does a rather incredible job of stretching out its lighthearted mood so far that you truly believe everyone is safe and will finish the film with a group hug. They don’t. But what works so well is that the film takes SO LONG to kill its first victim that by the time it happens, you truly are shocked and saddened. It’s a unique trick I haven’t really seen too often in a horror comedy (oh yeah, except for Shaun of the Dead)

Low Points

Though all the actors are quite strong, there’s something lacking in their brotherly relationship that ultimately limits the emotional and intellectual weight of Doghouse. We care about these guys, but it never feels like they care as much about each other as is needed in a film about male companionship overcoming the horrors women put them through

Lessons Learned

Toy lightsabers are not adequate zombie fighting weapons

Water pistols, on the other hand, are far more versatile than you might think

A few things worse than getting divorced: rape, murder, castration, and being hunted by angry undead hair dressers

A personal reminder: I really should be using the adjective ‘sodding’ more often in my daily speech

Rent/Bury/Buy

Doghouse is an enjoyable, if slightly frustrating little film that would make a fine light-hearted party movie with drunken chatty friends. Though it hints at some intriguing commentary on the battle of the sexes and how men are emasculated, the film is ultimately too fluffy to really make any important statements. Couple that with the characters’ general goofiness and you have a perfect companion to something like Severance, another British horror comedy that produces plenty of fun while never quite ascending to Shaun of the Dead levels of perfection.

Melissa George Has a Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day

I love a film like Triangle. Loopy, mind-bending, refreshingly ambitious and well made. I want you to watch it, plain and simple. And for that reason, what follows will be a spoiler-free (save for my Low Point) review.

Don’t say I never give you nothing.

Quick Plot: Single mom waitress (is there any other kind when it comes to indie films?) Jess (Melissa George) heads to a Florida harbor to spend a warm afternoon on a boat with a prospective laid-back rich boy beau (think Noah from the latter seasons of Beverly Hills 90210) and his small assortment of richer friends. The birds are flying, the sun’s as bright as a baked potata and it sure seems like a shaboinkle day.

Cue the sudden drop of wind and entrance of some very angry clouds. A storm quickly rages, capsizing the vacationing crew and leaving them stranded in the middle of a very blue ocean. Things look grim until a giant cruiser cruises by. The gang board but quickly sense something is very off...mainly the fact that nobody seems to be anywhere.

Triangle is a smart film but not, as some would have you think, a total mind trip intent on driving you insane. I imagine those who call it such are the same people who claim Inception doesn’t make sense on its first viewing. It leaves you with a boatful of questions, both moral and logical, but at the same time, the storytelling is intense enough to keep your mind in gear. We don’t always know exactly what’s going on, but we’re involved enough with Jess to follow her as she figures it out. 

Most excitedly, Triangle is kind of scary. This isn’t a necessarily movie designed to give you nightmares, but there are plenty of earned jumps and since you’re so focused on trying unraveling the mystery, they genuinely do grab you. Maybe it’s just the natural offness of the creepy Town That Dreaded Sundown baghead mask.

Writer/director Christopher Smith is probably best known for the horror comedy Severance,  a film I thoroughly enjoyed even if it never quite reached Shaun of the Dead heights. With Triangle, he goes in a very different direction, offering a Twilight Zone-esque story with interesting moral implications. At times, it’s frustrating, but the script holds up through the end and proves to be tighter and more provocative than we’re led to belive.

Also, it must be said, Triangle is a gorgeous, gorgeous film. The early scenes on the water build a grand picture of being stuck at sea, while the set design and photography of the ship offer an interesting and almost ironically claustrophobic feel so fitting to the actual plot. Smith was clearly making some nods to The Shining, and while some references are a tad too cute (Room 237, for instance) the idea works well to establish a place that just isn’t right.

High Points

While I always liked the fact that Melissa George worked a lot in the horror genre, I’ve never really had a reason to think much of her acting abilities. In Triangle, she’s pretty fantastic, believably inhabiting a role that proves far more complicated than we initially think

I’ve grown rather tired of the old single-mom-with-special-needs-child ploy to instantly grab some sympathy for a female lead, but Triangle manages to make this cliche work, both due to George’s performance and some of the minor plot kinks. We genuinely want Jess to get home and pick up poor Tommy at the bus stop

Yes I loved the visuals of Triangle and while I don’t want to just gush at every major feature of the film, I’ll also throw out a compliment to the haunting piano score

Low Points

This is the only part of this post where I’ll delve into spoiler territory, so close your eyes, jump down one, and I’ll be there:

One of my biggest pet peeves in cinema is the irresponsible driver, the character--more often than not, a parent--who continuously turns his or her head at an obtuse angle to speak to whatever passenger (usually a child) is sitting comfortably in the back. Every single time this happens on camera, I throw up my hands and expect, without any doubt, to see a mack truck in the foreground speed towards our supposed protagonist’s windshield. Every. Single. Time. Not too surprisingly, Triangle is guilty of such a crime, odd considering how tense and alert Jess should be at this point in the story

END OF SPOILERS

Lessons Learned

When planning on fixing up two of your friends, you should probably confirm that one half of the prospective couple isn’t planning on bringing his own date to the communal event

Florida is home to quite a few almost Australians

Wedge heels can be quite inconvenient, particularly when your day will, without almost any doubt, include a whole lot of running

Rent/Bury/Buy 

I was prompted to watch by the ominous red front warning from Netflix that Triangle will no longer be streaming, plus a year’s worth of quiet hype the film had built in the genre community. Boy am I glad I listened. Triangle is the kind of film I love, one that takes a familiar premise but gives it a fresh spin. It’s an engrossing, challenging, and highly entertaining watch that most genre and in general, film fans will at least respect. A definite rental, and considering its complexity, an easy rewatch that warrants a buy. 

Killing 9 To 5

It’s been seven months since I last watched Severance and nearly one year since I began my first actual office job. Having now suffered through dry meetings scored to the buzz of overhead lighting and office scandals regarding lunch orders, I’m truly shocked by the lack of horror films that utilize a corporate setting. Where’s the weapon arsenal sponsored by Staples and uncomfortably ill-defined relationship barriers riddled with career-climbing ulterior motives? 

Hence, when the 1997 issue of Fangoria I recently bought at a yard sale featured an article about Office Killer, I rearranged my Netflix queue faster than you can say coffee break. Directed by famed photographer Cindy Sherman and starring an impressivey miscellaneous cast, Netflix defined it as “a thriller with surprising hilarity,” which should have quickly warned me that a genre film I had never heard of was buried in time for a reason.

Quick Plot: The always intriguing Carol Kane plays Dorine, an efficient copy editor (and if my boss is reading, allow me to assure the world that ALL copy editors are efficient) who lives a lonely existence with her invalid mother and chubby cat. At work, supervisor Jeanne Tripplehorn (who may have been in 65% of films released in the mid-late 90s) hands out downsizing slips instructing employees that they’ll now have to work part-time from home, much to the horror of the workaholic Dori. Meanwhile, surprisingly non Jersey accented Michael Imperioli (yes, Christophuh himself) puts in some IT hours installing this revolutionary new office tool called "email" on the employees' home computers. The world is a changing place.  

While working late to meet a deadline, Dori’s verbally abusive and hair abusing boss electrocutes himself while trying to fix an internet connection. Instead of calling 911, Dori decides to break the all sorts of rules by stealing the ultimate office supply--the corpse of her supervisor.  


A few days later, Dori once again finds herself alone with a rude and authority drunk superior, this one an asthmatic chain smoker with a dangerous comfort level in pleather evening wear. Spike an inhaler with a little butane and Dori is on a killing roll, always in less than expected manner and with a slight comic edge. Corpses pile up in her basement to be posed, dismembered, and Febrezed. Only Molly Ringwald as a cynical secretary with poor fashion sense suspects the suddenly confident grammar expert of being less than a model employee.  

Everything I’d read about Office Killer made it seem like a film I would love. Unfortunately, nearly everything about it just doesn’t work. Sherman has a definitive visual stle, casting the entire film in a sad and stale orangey brown that makes everything inside look rusted. By today’s standards, such a choice feels stuffily uncomfortable but also, oddly outdated a mere 12 years later. Instead of the icy uniformity done so well in films like Office Space, Office Killer’s title setting just feels messy. Even a low level publisher heading into the red wouldn't feel as if a retirement home was converted into magazine headquarters.  


More troubling is the tone, or lack thereof. Most of the characters are flat stereotypes which could certainly have worked had the film known what to do with them. Instead of forging ahead into campy wickedness, Office Killer sits on its unpleasant cast without any intrigue. Sometimes it seems as though Tripplehorn is our heroine, while Kane’s manic Dori bounces back and forth between sympathetic shut-in and psychopathic murderess. It’s fun to watch her chide the corpses of Girl Scouts, but when we have no idea why she killed these little girls in the first place, why should we care? Fuzzy narration and a few flashbacks hint at sexual abuse (and hey, if said sexual abuser was Eric Bogosian, I too would probably grow up with more than a few issues) but nothing’s really done with that thread. Ultimately, it feels as though the script presented a premise that called for sharp black comedy, while the director treated it straightforwardly with a static eye. It’s hard to laugh at jokes that feel flatter than the page they were typed on and even harder to fear for characters that lack the slightest hint of depth.  


High Points 
While she seems to have no idea what to do with her poorly drawn character, Kane is still an intriguing presence in just about any film she's in

Following her divaliscious turn in the Aussie slasher Cut , Ringwald has convinced me that she should henceforth only accept roles that call for serious bitchery 


Low Points 
What’s the point of featuring a motorized Gremlins stair chair if you’re not going to use it?

Um, the rest of the movie?  

Lessons Learned 
The Internet might occasionally kill you, but it’s pretty easy to hack


Masking tape is great in a pinch, especially if said pinch involved holding in a corpse's intestines

Never feel up your daughter while driving

Like mace, a silk headscarf with an elaborate and too colorful print can indeed be used against you


When in doubt, always say no to pleather


Rent/Bury/Buy 
The female factor of Office Killer makes it interesting in concept, but this is sadly one of duller 90+ minutes I’ve recently endured. I have the slight feeling that it may, like many dark comedies, improve a bit on repeat viewings but I have absolutely no desire to revisit this film and unless you’re nursing a Carol Kane crush, I’d skip it. The DVD contains no special features, so despite the fact that this film feels deliberately cultish, it seems nobody involved in its production cared enough to come back.  

I know how they feel.

You Can't Fire Me. I'm Dead!

Your co-workers are generally not your friends. Nor are they family or even the people you might share half priced appetizers with over happy hour. Still, what a show like The Office knows is that the men and women you see every day occupy a definite place in your life. There is unwritten protocol for dealing with your manager, who in turn has his or her own understanding in agreeing or disagreeing with the big boss. Temp a bit in any work setting and chances are good that you’ll meet the token kissup, the hotshot who somehow avoids termination despite a bad attitude towards superiors, and the good-looking worker who amasses a batch of unrequited crushes around the cubicles.


Severance, a 2006 horror comedy from the UK, starts with a deliciously ripe premise. Employees from Palisade Defense (the kind of company funded by both the American and British government, hence, in one character’s words, “They’re not going to do anything immoral”) are being rewarded/tortured with a “team building” getaway in the forests of what seems to be Hungary. When their bus encounters a block in the road and the driver refuses to go any farther, the mid-level manager forces his underlings onward to an abandoned home he takes to be the luxury lodge they were promised. Before long, strategically placed bear traps, land mines, and flame throwers force staff cooperation that no paintball game could ever muster.

Having gone on two “management training” weekends (once to a ski resort, once to an abandoned country house not unlike the setting of this film), I identified quickly with the poor chaps in Severance. While my experiences were not quite as bloody, they did include “teamwork” exercises like building egg parachutes and making crayon murals of what our jobs meant to us. The idea was nice, but spending those precious days of the week normally reserved for avoiding all semblances of the workplace with co-workers in their pajamas does nothing to endear your occupation to your heart. Severance gets that.

Also, it’s pretty much hysterical. The actors--mostly British with a token Canadian Faculty alum Laura Harris--have excellent comic timing and genuinely feel like an unhappy office family. Toby Stephens stands out as the snarkiest of the bunch, but every performance rings true. Director/co-writer Christopher Smith consistently balances humor with horror in a way that made me chuckle and wince throughout the running time. There’s gore a’plenty, and since you actually like the characters, the deaths come with added weight.

High Points
A conversation about decapitation gets a payoff that’s kept a smile on my face for two days and counting


Removable shelves should be standard on compact refrigerators; you never know what large object you might need to stick inside

It’s refreshing to see multiple female characters making smart and ballsy decisions throughout the film


Low Points
Perhaps the early talking scenes go on a tad too long for bloodthirsty horror hounds, but it’s all entertaining


No trust exercises?


Lessons Learned
Do not attempt to pry open a bear trap unless you have the strength to keep it opened long enough to dislodge what’s stuck inside

Hold music is crappy in any language


Always read the instructions before firing a rocket launcher


The standard baking time for a found meat pie is one hour


Rent/Bury/Buy
This one belongs on your shelf, preferably next to Shawn of the Dead for a match made in British Horror Heaven (where Peter Cushing guards the gates, of course). Imagine throwing the characters of The Office into the hostel in Hostel, and you’ll get a good idea of what to expect. The gore is high and the laughs are hearty. Pour some tea and enjoy with a scone.