Evil Editor Thanksgiving Classics

1. (from Evil Editor Teaches School)

I was just sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with King Solomon when there came a knock on the door. "Who could that be?" I wondered aloud.

"Only one way to find out, EE," Sol said.

"Ah, your wisdom has not diminished with age," I told him. I opened the door, and for a moment thought I was looking into a mirror, until I realized the man standing there was slightly less attractive than myself. "What's the idea?" I asked. "Where'd you get the Evil Editor mask?"

"Whattaya mean?" he replied. "I'm Evil Editor. What are you doing in my house?"

"Better let me handle this," King S. said. "It's right up my alley." He looked around the room and said, "I note that there's a mountain of manuscripts in the corner. You shall each take half of them. Whoever finds a salable book first is clearly the real EE."

"Fine," said our new guest. He grabbed up a manuscript, read a sentence and tossed it, then grabbed another, and another, and another. He was fast, I had to admit.

I went to work myself: I got out a snow shovel and within a minute had deposited my half of the manuscripts in the fireplace, just as the other EE announced he'd found a potential bestseller. "I win," he said, but he hadn't counted on the wisdom of Solomon.

"Get out," the king told him. "You're clearly an imposter. The real EE would never admit to finding a salable manuscript in the slush. Pass the gravy, would you EE?"

--Evil Editor


2. (from Novel Deviations, vol. 1)

“We’ve got something men want, don’t we, Aunt Faye?” Nicole said, punctuating her statement with a smirk.

“How’d you get to be so cynical?”

“Experience!” the twenty-one-year-old shot back. Another small coup. Her control of the table was established.


Nicole and Faye sat near the end of a Thanksgiving table laden with wealth. The value of the paintings in the dining room alone would have been enough to make a small, impoverished country give thanks. Nicole was wearing one of her silky black dresses. It might have looked slutty, if it hadn’t had a four digit price tag.

“Mark understands the score,” Nicole continued.

Frumpy Aunt Faye, who had one husband in the ground, one ex-husband barely above ground, and another man on the way to the altar, didn’t like being upstaged by 21-year-old Nicole on the question of relationships.

She dabbed her lips with her napkin and said, "Not to brag, my dear, but I've quaffed more meat popsicle in my time than you will if you live to be a hundred."

The room went silent.

"Including your precious Mark's," Aunt Faye added with a wink. That last part wasn't true, but what did it matter? She had regained control of the table.

Opening: Bichon.....Continuation: Evil Editor


3. Thanksgiving Toons

4. Guess the Title

Thanksgiving being a day we celebrate by eating, I've taken the subtitles of ten food-and-drink-related books that are for sale online from Barnes and Noble. Your job is to guess which title goes with each subtitle.


The One! The Only! Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine!

Gourmet Grill
Manifold Destiny
Radiator Roadkill
Carburetor Cuisine
The Six-Cylinder Superchef
On the Road . . . With Meatloaf and Steak Fries


Recipes and Rants

The Cranky Chef
Kristen Nelson Cooks!
Bitchin In The Kitchen
Gordon Ramsay's Fuckfest
The Crabby Cook Cookbook
Frost My Chocolates and Roast My Butt


Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget

Shit Faced
The Imbible
Pickle My Liver
Beer Pong and Beyond
Wasted and No Remembrance
George W. Bush’s Guide to College


Recipes for Self-Loathing

Humble Pies
Bevittle Yourself
Eat Your Feelings
The Blimp in the Mirror
The Sylvia Plath Cookbook
How Sharp is Your Chef's Knife?


Grim and Ghastly Recipes for the Gruesome Gourmand

Awful Offal
First, Peel the Otter
Ghoulish Gastronomy
The Zombie Cookbook
The Brains are the Best Part
When I Asked You to Bring Me Some Grub, I Didn't Mean it Literally


Have Your Best Friend for Dinner

Poached Pooch
The Pet Cookbook
The Culinary Cannibal
The Donner Party Recipes
The Cuisine of Papua New Guinea
Hannibal Lecter’s Guide to Entertaining


A Philosopher's Guide to Wine

Plato on Pinot
Vintage Insights
Que Syrah Syrah
Descartes Decanted
I Drink Therefore I Am
The Transcendental Oenophile


The Art of Miserable Meal Making

Just Nuke It
When I Cook, They Run
Last Meals in the Worst Prisons on Earth
The Cat Food Commission's Gourmet Automat
The Gray Ground Meat and Brown Vegetable Cookbook
The Worse I Cook, The More He Takes Me Out to Dinner


Hold the Mayo, Muffy--I'm Feeling Miracle Whipped Tonight

Deli Delights
Condiment Love
Sandwich Frenzy
The Ellora's Cave Cook Book
How to Eat Like a Republican
There's Something About Reuben


Thirty Eight Lip-Smackin' Meals Men Can Cook in the Garage...Using Their Own Tools!

Me Hungry
Cook Like A Stud
Man Cave Recipes
Eat This--I Dare Ya!
Who Needs a Kitchen?
Grab a plate! It’s Hammertime!



Answers below


Fake titles were submitted by Dave F., Angela Robbins, Khazar-khum, anon., Faceless Minion, Slush, Steve Prosapio, Evil Editor, Marissa Doyle, BuffySquirrel, Madison, and Maureen.



Actual Book Titles:

Manifold Destiny
The Crabby Cook Cookbook
The Imbible
Eat Your Feelings
First, Peel the Otter
The Pet Cookbook
I Drink Therefore I Am
When I Cook, They Run
How to Eat Like a Republican
Cook-Like-A-Stud

Face-Lift 1542

Guess the Plot

Where All the Worlds Shall Meet

1. There are many worlds beyond the one we live in, and the goddess Hapasut can travel to all of them, but each night she must return to her boring home in Brooklyn where all the worlds meet. Also, the Trickster.

2. Physicist Shizzanar Smith develops a portal whereby all alternate quantum realities can now interact with one another. There may be an unfortunate side effect of them then merging, but new ones will split off, so no biggy. Also a hoodlum's hoodlum.

3. The ecliptic happened and nothing has been the same since. For after the planets overlapped in the sky, they stayed overlapped. No one has died, no one has lived. Livvy has just opened her door to her doppelganger. Also, a goat.

4. After hundreds of years traveling on generation ships to new homeworlds, various people consider whether its even worth trying to found some sort of galactic federation what with travel still taking so long. Also, an anomaly detector. 

Original Version

Dear, 

Eighteen-year-old Kai Ruan is a part-time goddess, full-time disappointment to her mother. 

As her alter ego, Hapasut, [Anagram: Hatapus, actual name of the Cat in the Hat according to The Encyclopedia of Suess.] she is fearless. With the ability to travel to other worlds, command the mercurial Mists that fill the worlds’ Amazonian edges, and even speak to Death. But at the end of each day, she must always return to her regular life as an eighteen-year-old girl living in Brooklyn, New York with a mother who views her as a failure, one who was rejected from [by] every college she’d applied to. 

Although Kai is aware of the dangers of straying too far from her world – the Mists eventually mutate then destroy any worldwalker who enters [stays?] – Kai battles with depression and begins to delay her daily return [to a] home [where her mother views her as a failure.] She manages to walk the fine line between escapism [danger? exposure?] and safety until she runs afoul of a shadowy organization dedicated to hunting down and eating her kind in order to gain their [worldwalking] abilities. They capture her; but Xanthe, her dear friend and worldwalking mentor, intervenes and is killed instead. 

Kai’s best hope for a cure – and revenge – lies with the Trickster, an elusive worldwalker whose appearance stays constant, but whose memories flicker from one soul to another. He’s been searching for both his true memories and the cure to their shared affliction for most of his life, and agrees to team up. [I wasn't aware that worldwalking was an affliction in need of a cure. So far it's been described as the only part of Kai's life that brings her happiness.]

Attraction [affection?] grows between them, but also distrust. [If you're looking for someone to trust, and your first choice is someone known as the Trickster, you're asking for disappointment.] For how can she be sure that the boy she falls for today won’t be a completely different person tomorrow?

[Kai: Yesterday you were sweet and kind. Today you're an asshole. What gives?

The Trickster: Seriously?] 

Meanwhile, the Mists begin to morph and decay, threatening the very existence of the worlds they border. Kai soon realizes that this instability originates from the hunters, the mysterious new god they worship, and the millennia of struggle between [among] the First Gods, marked by betrayal, and Death. [Is this Death the same Death she speaks to?]

And that the secret to overcoming these threats is hidden at home, in the one place where she feels helpless, with no one she can trust, including herself. Where even all the powers of a god can’t help her. [I think I'd want an explanation of why the secret to preventing the destruction of several worlds is hidden in a house in Brooklyn. And why that's the one place her goddess powers can't help her.] 

WHERE ALL THE WORLDS SHALL MEET is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 98,000 words. It will appeal to readers who enjoy the atmosphere and powerful heroine of Vespertine by Margaret Rogerson, the complex mother-daughter relationship of Throwback by Maurene Goo, and the mythological conflicts combined with romance of Divine Rivals by Rebecca Ross. 

Thank you for your consideration, 

Notes

Her goddess powers don't work when she's at home, apparently, but isn't she at home when she travels to other worlds? That seems like a goddess power.

Not sure why you tell us she has the ability to command the Mists when it's the Mists that force her to go home every day. It's easy to brag that you control Bruce Banner--until he morphs into the Incredible Hulk, and then you look silly.

Kai can travel to other worlds and command Mists and speak to Death, but we don't know if that's a good thing or an affliction. Does she do anything useful when she's in these other worlds, or is she basically a tourist? 

Do the hunters capture her in Brooklyn or on some other world? Why does she need Xanthe to rescue her when she could just command the Mists or Death to kill the hunters.

I'm sure all my questions are answered in the book, but you probably don't want the query to inspire a lot of questions. Also, the query is a bit long, so you might want to focus on the worldwalking or the home life or the threat to the universe rather than work all of it in.

Face-Lift 1541

Guess the Plot

Goremage: Awakening

1. Ferdi the bull comes into his magic July 1 in Pamplona, Spain. The running of the bulls this year will be an event to be remembered and talked about for decades to come, if he can get out of this fantasy land portal and back to the event in time.

2. You've heard of horned lizards, but this is the story of a horned wizard named Goremage. He promised his mortal wife he wouldn't use magic, so he has to deal with his enemies by goring them to death.

3. The greedy leader of the government wants to rule as its dictator, and is willing to sacrifice his own people to secure control. It may sound like it's ripped from today's headlines, but this story all takes place underwater.

4. The people of Lomansk were given one directive by their ancestors. Do not wake the monster, Goresage. But rules are made to be broken, or so Olivia, who was never one to heed her elders' advice, believed. She just wanted someone to play hopscotch with.

Original Version

Dear [agent name]

I'm thrilled to send GOREMAGE: AWAKENING, a grim dark fantasy complete at 100,000 words, your way. [Put "your way" after "send."] [Then delete "send your way," unless the agent has already made it clear she wants you to send it her way.] [Actually, I'm not thrilled with "I'm thrilled," either, so let's start  with paragraph 2.]

GOREMAGE: AWAKENING is my debut novel. A pilot book with great series potential written in third person omniscient point of view, following [This 100,000-word dark fantasy follows] an ensemble cast of societal outcasts struggling with trauma, trust, [and] societal injustice and [while] grappling with their place in the cosmic chain. [Not crazy about two uses of the word "societal" in one sentence.]

In the wake of The Great Fall, the last great war Atlamaria saw, the underwater country is threatened with collapse as the very infrastructure holding it together is on the verge of falling apart. [The country is underwater? You do realize people can't breathe underwater, right? (With the exception of Aquaman, Sub-Mariner, and fictional characters like mermaids.)] The magic required to sustain it has become a dying breed. [art?] The government, driven by greed and desperation, seeks to return to a totalitarian rule by harnessing the power of a heretic god, willing to sacrifice their own people to secure control. [Is this a retelling of the Trump administration?]

Elio, a world-weary man burdened by a dark past, finds himself unwillingly drawn into the growing conflict. Normally a lone wolf, he forms an uneasy alliance with two other outcasts: Atlas, a former politician turned con man, [Politicians don't need to "turn" to become con men.] trying to overcome slanderous lies spread by his ex-lover ["The guy's a real wet fish. And his fins are so tiny."] and connect with his estranged daughter [; and] Pearl, an indentured performer grappling with the grim reality of her life after being freed from a decade of servitude. [Two uses of "grappling" within three paragraphs? That should happen only in a scene involving a grappling hook. How about "dealing?"]

Struggling with his identity and the true origins of his magic, Elio embraces the power that could destroy him. As the lines between right and wrong blur, he must confront not only the enemies that threaten his world - but the shadows within himself. If he can’t trust his own thoughts, how can [he] stop forces so much larger than himself? [This paragraph isn't needed. It's pretty vague; we know nothing about his identity or the true origins of his magic or the power that could destroy him or his own thoughts. Besides, after the previous paragraph, I'm expecting something about how they can defeat the government. Apparently Elio has some magical powers that could destroy him if used? What can he do? And what do Atlas and Pearl bring to the table? What's their plan?]

The confrontation becomes more than a clash of strength; but a test of wills, faith, and sacrifice. The fate of their country hanging in the balance, the three must decide how far they will go to protect their country from both divine destruction and human corruption.

The story hangs in the [With its] balance of political intrigue and fantastical adveture, [sp.] [and its morally grey characters, and [the story] would appeal to readers who enjoy novels like [fans of] ‘The Lies of Locke Lamora’ and ‘The Name of the Wind’ or who enjoy characters that are a little morally grey.

Notes

Is Goremage the name of the heretic god? Is the heretic god on board with the government waking him and harnessing his power? If I'm a sleeping god and you wake me up and try to harness my power, I'm likely to turn it on you.

It would be hard for three people to take on a government and a god while snorkeling, so tell us what they've got going for them besides wills, faith, and the power that could destroy them. 

Face-Lift 1540

Guess the Plot

What Would LOVE Do?

1. Ah, yes, the eternal question. For slightly psychopathic (getting help) bartender Nick, it's about convincing pretty Salome Lissette that her current boyfriend (drug-dealer Carl, with mafia connection), is even worse than her previous, politician Matthias (deceased, which Nick won't admit having anything to do with).

2. When LeBron James is traded to the Charlotte Hornets, he must decide whether to retire from basketball or end his career with a losing franchise. He makes his decision, as he has all his other life decisions, by asking himself, What would my ex-teammate Kevin Love do?

3. The three Von Emerson sisters embark on a global quest to find husbands so their hospitalized father can walk each of them down the aisle before he retires to that farm in upstate Illinois. Love goes on the back burner when there's a deadline.

4. Melanie doesn't know what to say when John unexpectedly asks her to marry him. So she stalls him and consults the Roman god of love, Cupid. Also, a bachelor party in hell.

                           

Original Version

 Dear,

I’m writing to tell you about a question some girls will never have to ask... because their sisters already know. [But don't these girls have to at least ask . . . their sisters?] 

Reminiscent of Coco Mellors’ multi-perspective family saga, The Blue Sisters, but bridging a lighthearted gap with a romance flair loved before in The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood. What Would LOVE Do? complete at 121,000 words, follows the 32-years-old and eldest daughter, Lucy Oren Von Emerson, and younger sisters, Lola and Libby–who have taken it upon themselves to be two of the most reckless and helpless individuals Lucy has ever witnessed [known]. [I took the liberty of italicizing the three book titles for you.] [If that period after "Hazelwood" is supposed to be there, that sentence needs a predicate . . . and a subject. If that period is supposed to be a comma, you're introducing your title in the middle of a 75-word sentence, which, coupled with your admission that the book is 121,000 words, may convince the reader that your novel needs to be trimmed drastically.] [Here's a shorter version of that paragraph:

Reminiscent of Coco Mellors’ multi-perspective family saga, The Blue Sisters, my novel, What Would LOVE Do?, complete at 90,000 words, follows the eldest Von Emerson daughter, Lucy, and her reckless sisters, Lola and Libby.

That's fewer than half as many words. It leaves out The Love Hypothesis, but that's no great loss, as "lighthearted romantic flair" is too general to provide useful information. You can use your plot summary to show your book has lighthearted romantic flair.]

Fifteen years after deciding her major, and nearly a decade as the pen behind [author of] some of the most intellectually compelling articles targeting social issues in the U.S. (or well, she thinks so at least), Lucy gets news that her contract with the writing firm helping her maintain her humble SINK lifestyle will not be renewed in the New Year. [Not surprising. Audiences of even the most popular columnists tend to dwindle over the years. Ask me how I know.] [No need to capitalize "new year" when it just means next year.] ["Writing firm" is pretty vague. How about "newspaper syndicate" or "magazine" or "the ACLU's weblog."] On top of this, her dad is hospitalized after a bone-fracturing fall in their icy hometown of Chicago. Lucy reluctantly returns home, accompanied by her not officially estranged sisters, to visit their thrill-addict of a father. The aging man makes one final “request” of his daughters before he pursues what he calls a new venture, but is otherwise known widely as retirement: he would like to walk each of his relationship-averse girls down the aisle. [Once again, more words than we need. Here's the short version:

After a decade as the author of compelling articles addressing American social issues, Lucy learns her syndicated column will be dropped in the new year. On top of this, her dad is hospitalized after a bone-fracturing fall. Lucy reluctantly returns home to Chicago, accompanied by her not officially estranged sisters, to visit their father. The aging man makes one request: he would like to walk each of his relationship-averse daughters down the aisle.

Thats 60+ words saved. One of those words being "final" in front of request, which suggests dad's been told he has a year to live. I don't see why he can't walk them down the aisle after he retires. In fact, if he has a broken leg, it'll be easier to walk them anywhere if he waits till he fully heals. Maybe you should give him a year to live.]  

And though it had [it's] been a whole 2 years since Lucy’s 6 year romance ended over a video call, she couldn’t [can't] believe it when a sister [Lola? Libby?] suggests they agree to their dad['s request], and while they’re at it, make an entire trip out of it!? As Lucy trails her sisters across the globe, seldomly looking for love as it’s defined, she discovers that though her sisters are hell bent, at least their aim is set. And if the arrow is a pen, now Lucy must decide where the story will lead… if not to her own. [I'm not sure what that last sentence means. Her own what? Story? Husband? Pen? I guess you're trying to say, If only Lucy could say the same about herself.]

The youngest of three sisters, I hope you'll trust me to deliver a delightfully biased take on sisterhood and the messy, beautiful, questionable journey of finding oneself even while the answers lie within the reflection of another.

Thank you for your consideration,

Notes

Unless an agent requests you provide comp titles before your plot summary, it's probably best to  put that paragraph after the summary, just in case the agent's never heard of those books, or read them and hated them. Plus, when she sees that "121,000 words" glaring at her, she may not even bother reading further.

So Lola and Libby are crossing the globe in search of men willing to drop everything and go to Chicago to marry them? And Lucy tags along hoping to talk some sense into them, or maybe to find her own husband prospect? I hope Lucy finds her soulmate on the trip while Lola and Libby return home, only to find theirs right next door. That could lead to some lighthearted romantic flair. 

Aren't there any eligible bachelors in Chicago? I mean, that's where Michelle met Barrack. At least it's (marginally) easier to find a guy who speaks English in Chicago than in Norway or Morocco. 

Now that the plot summary is shorter, you may have room to add some specifics about the global quest for husbands, which I assume is a major part of the book. You'd have even more space for that if you started the query:

When their hospitalized father's last wish is to walk his daughters down the aisle, Lucy, Lola and Libby Von Emerson embark on a whirlwind worldwide quest to find husbands.

Maybe you should claim to be the eldest of three sisters, so the agent won't think you're one of the reckless, helpless ones.

I never did find out-- what is the question some girls will never have to ask?