Real Love

I was reading Reyna Elena's post and found out about Kik’s little project about writing something based on our own experiences with m2m love and relationships.

Here’s mine.

A few years ago, when I first moved to Florida from the place where I grew up, the pangs of loneliness and despair were thick and palpable. I had fleeting experiences with the same sex before, but never engaged in a full-on relationship. I had never loved a man. Then I discovered the world of Yahoo chat rooms.

I connected with so many people and some remain close friends to this day. It was the first time that I really explored and finally admitted to myself about my sexuality. Anyway, it was then that I met Bill. He was the STAR of the chat room. He was the darling, the one who would hold shows…you know what type of shows they were. I was instantly smitten. Plus, the fact that I had never been with a Pinoy really turned me on. Bill and I eventually forged an online relationship and I fell hard. I treated it as if it was a real relationship. Sadly, he didn’t reciprocate. It was a few weeks later that I learned that he had a new boyfriend in Manila. I cried for days on end. He explained that we should have an open relationship. I turned a blind eye. I was so determined that I would have him back and that he would be mine. He would say again and again that he loved me.

Letting go was not an option.

Eventually, I did let go with the help of friends who finally made me see the light. Unfortunately, whenever he would im me and turn on his cam, I turned to mush and granted his every wish.

I finally met him in person when I visited Manila. He insisted that he meet me late one night. I’ll never forget that night when I finally saw him in the flesh. Yes, we had sex and it was fantastic. But it was only sex for him. It was making love for me.

A week later~~
It was my last night in Manila and my flight was leaving in a few hours. I had just finished dinner with J, a friend who took time off to guide me through the city. He even offered to take me to the airport. I said no; thinking that Bill would take me. I called and called and sent text messages to Bill’s number. There was no reply. I realized that it was the end. I cried and cried and finally called a very good friend who was in town. I tearfully told my story. I don’t know what I would have done without him.
I had been so foolish. I neglected to see the people who really loved me for who I am and not for what I have. I regret not letting J take me to the airport. I regret not making a move on J who is one of the sweetest guys I know.

So, what I had was not a real love. What I had was…well I don’t know. Now that I’m older and wiser (I hope!), I don’t put my heart as much out there as I used to. Gone are the days when “I love you’s” were said after a date or a conversation.

I am lucky in my relationship now. I don’t know if it will last. No one really knows what the future holds. But what I do know is that I love. Even after all the heartaches, I still love. We move on. We have to.

Real Love is out there. But just like snow, it can only form when the circumstances are just right. And if you’re truly lucky, just like snow, it’ll fall from the sky on the greyest of grey days.

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Visit Mandaya Moore-Orlis for a great post on this topic.

Lower Expectations?

I’m completely oblivious when people start to flirt with me.

Last Sunday while searching for the perfect birthday gift for Mommie Dearest, I saw the perfect Diane Von Furstenberg tote bag. Granted, Mommie Dearest isn’t really fond of tote bags, but I did feel sorry for her when I saw her balancing her papers in one arm and her LV speedy in another. I think she needs something to just hold all her papers together.

As I perused the selection, I was completely unaware that someone was perusing me. Well, not completely. I did see him peeking at me but paid no notice. I was still mired in what to choose. When I’m shopping, the whole world just kinda goes away and yours truly is oblivious of anything happening around me. I looked over at the Calvin Klein shirts and saw the “50% off” sign. I walked over to the rack and started to quickly review the shirts; picking out the ones I liked. I leafed through it like the pages through a book. Then Asian guy said, “Hey. Be more careful. These are expensive clothes you know…”
I smiled and laughed it off.
Obviously this guy has never heard of what expensive really is. When I hear the word expensive I think Christian Dior Couture or Chanel.
I immediately went back to looking at the shirts.
He was trying to make eye and I wasn’t making it easy.
I picked out the shirts I wanted: a black cotton polo and a long-sleeved striped.
Asian boy once again sidled up next to me to the counter to pay.
“Nice Shirts.” He said.
I smiled.
“These are the ones I picked” He raised the two DKNY t-shirts.
I smiled.
I swiped my Amex.
“Nice card.” He said.
I smiled.
Then I left.
Just like that.
As I sat in the Starbucks, I thought to myself “Why do I just shut people out?” “Is it because I’m not “fully out” I had to wonder.
Had I began my downward slide into becoming one of those old maids that just go shopping?
Come to think of it. I kinda regret not giving him a chance.
Are my standards for a boyfriend too strict and high that it’s virtually unattainable?
Is there a time when everyone must lower their expectations?

Giddy!

I got a call from K....late...very late last night. I felt happy. It's indescribable. I really missed him. We talked for about an hour and it felt so right.

I just love love love this song...


Toodles!

To K.

It gets worse at night.
That's the time when the two of us usually talk and I was oftentimes half asleep.
You would tell your stories and I would pretend that I wasn't listening when in fact
I hung unto every word.
I miss those nights.
I also miss how you insist on "sleeping together" by not hanging up the phone.
We can hear each other sleep. While you were dreaming of happy thoughts, I would whisper,
"I love you"
on the phone.
I don't think you ever heard me.
I just didn't have the heart to say it when you were awake.
Would it have mattered?
Would things turn out diffrently between us?
I don't know.
Past is past.
What I do know is that I love you.
You grow fonder in my heart everyday.
I just wish you were mine. I just wish things could've turned out differently.
Is it too late?
Is it ever too late to say I'm in love with you?
I will never run out of hope.
I will always leave my heart ajar for you K.

Mood: Love sick

John LVoes Neverfull and his Lovelife SUCKS

I happened to glance at Chuvaness' blog and I saw a new, fantastic, wonderful, thing...the NEW NEVERFULL BAG Click CLick to see pictures...

(All photos Courtesy of Chuvaness)

I am thinking of getting myself one, but I probably will never have the chance to use it. I live in the homophobic SOUTH y'all know that...The next best thing is to give one to mommy dearest. She'll just adore it. Plus, her birthday's only two months away. I LoVe LoVe LoVe the lining!
This bag is so Chica. You can put anything in it...

~~~~~
I spent Wednesday night at my Auntie Ayres' vacation house in Citrus County, FL. Nothing is in Citrus County Florida except for orange groves and rednecks. I used to think that I liked country life, uhhm I really was thinking more along the lines of a hacienda like in Oro,Plata, Mata with maids and servants...hehe. Anyway Auntie parted with a piece of encouragement after I stated that I was never going to find anyone "You'll find the right person someday"...Person...not girl...I think Aunty has caught on. We were always very close and share much of the same traits (both of us are Virgos). She'll be turning the big 5-0 this September, but don't tell her that 'cuz she thinks she's only 40.
~~~~~

I finally got a chance to speak with K thorough ym. I told him that everything I said when I was drunk in San Francisco was true. He was shocked. Bah! He's moving to the US very soon and wants me to visit him. I said we'll cross the bridge when we get there. Am feeling love sick again...

KIMERALD

One of my Guilty Pleasures is Pinoy Showbiz. There. I admit it. One of the best love teams is KIMERALD: Kim Chiu and Gerald Anderson. The two of them are just so adorable! Bah! I know it won't last. It NEVER LASTS BETWEEN TWO REALLY GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE. That's a theory of mine anyway. I just love the song on this video by Itchyworms. Kinda spells out how I feel right now...



~~~~~~
the Emancipation of Thadie featured a poem by Pablo Neruda from a post by Life Funtastique. It made my eyes water and a tear fell. I remembered K. If it's meant to be, LoVe will find a way, right?!?!

~~~~~~
Congrats to Miss Japan!

Mood: Love sick

Cowardly Love Sick Me...

I'm a coward. Should I fight for the man that I love? He does have a bf now. One side of me says that I should, while the other says that I really really should pick up what pride I have left and simply leave him alone. Leave him alone. The thought just digs into my brain. I don't think I can leave him alone. I miss his voice way too much. He always knows how to make me laugh. His current bf is someone that he speaks very highly of and I really can't pass judgment on the guy (the bf) since I really don't know him.

This is driving me insane.

It's something that I want but I *THINK* I can never have. So here I am at 2AM in the morning still thinking. Still thinking. Should I woo him? I don't know. I don't want to seem pathetic (I probably am in his eyes). Bah! Who cares what the world thinks! I just wish that he would take notice; that he would speak to me. I just admitted to myself and to my friends that I do love him and that each time we speak is special to me. I want him to know that I still still still have the song that he sent to me months ago. I told him he was corny, but inside I relished it. Why do I do that? Do I fall in love too easily? Was he just being kind? Was he just flirting? Was he serious? Holly GoLightly!

This infatuation won't die down easily.

It never does.

Soooo Here I am at 2 AM. and all I want to do is here his voice. But I'm too much of a chicken to call him.

Mood: Sad :(