Junior High Spy (2012)

PUT OFF BY the high-quality entertainment and production value of Spy Kids and Agent Cody Banks? Have we got a movie for YOU!

Junior high student Ricky (Christopher Lazlo) is a budding secret agent in training, thanks to the support of his FBI father, Richard (Harry Edison). But when his dad is kidnapped by Very Bad Men and the FBI’s leads dry up, Ricky enlists the help of his whiz-kid friend Jack (Matthew Downs) to help him track down the bad guys and bring his dad home.

Despite the fact that Junior High Spy is centered around the American-based FBI, the film is obviously a Canadian production – from the unmistakable accent (they talk aboot Ricky’s dad being held hostage in a big hoose, eh?) to the maple leaf flag displayed on the speedboat where the bad guys knock Ricky out and abduct his dad.


This is obviously an independent feature with a limited budget, but the filmmakers should’ve squeezed out a few extra bucks for acting lessons. The kid actors’ wooden, unconvincing performances are fittingly on par with a junior high play, and the adult actors aren’t much better.


The script by Barry Cowan is solid – it’s the execution that comes up short. Flat delivery of lines, uneven pacing, odd editing, and long stretches where nothing happens to advance the story or character development. And despite an abundance of FBI agents and Very Bad Men, not one gun in sight. (Oh, those polite Canadians and their wacky gun control laws!)

Even at just 87 minutes, Junior High Spy is stuffed with gobs of filler – mostly consisting of Ricky patrolling the mansion grounds on his ATV or cheesecake footage of teenager Kate (Jessica Ducharme) strolling the hillsides in a bikini top and short-shorts. In addition, the musical score consists of exactly four themes, repeated ad nauseum: there’s Main Titles Theme, Investigation Theme, Suspense Theme, and Action Theme.

Halfway through Junior High Spy, FilmBoy and I started talking back to the screen at all the ridiculousness. The stiff performances, the “oh no, not again” recurrence of the film’s limited soundtrack, the unconvincing fight scenes…they all provided fodder for us to make goofy comments and turn the experience from brutally painful to barely tolerable.

Released by independent studio Skylight Films and distributed by Inception Media Group, Junior High Spy eventually reaches its happy ending, but leaves the door open for a sequel. One can only hope!*

*That it never happens.

aka Ricky Lazio Jr., FBI.

Rating:

Normally a movie like this would rate 1 star,

but for unintentional entertainment value, it gets:

What did FilmBoy think?

“Okay. It was good. It wasn’t the best I’ve ever seen.” The repetition of the same four soundtrack themes did start to get on his nerves. He also thought it was hysterical the way the Canadian cast says “house” (“hoose”); the fact that it’s said repeatedly by Ricky only made it funnier.

Is it suitable for your kids?

Language: Mentions of “butt,” “dummy,” and “perv.”
Violence: There are several fight scenes, mostly involving martial arts. No bloodshed or deaths.
Adult situations: Kate is seen in various skimpy clothing and bikinis; Ricky shares a kiss with Kate’s younger sister, Kylie (Mikayla Ottonello). The antics of 12-year-old Jack are sometimes uncomfortable: He describes Kate as “definitely hot,” comments on her “heavenly body,” literally pants over her in one scene, and tries to sneak a glass of wine at a swank party at the mansion. There’s brief mention of the bad guys being involved in “smuggling,” though it’s never made clear exactly what they’re smuggling.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Can’t think of one reason why she would.

Let's go to work.
(While being mindful of child labor laws.)

Junior High Spy
* Directors: Mark McNabb, Kelly Rae Irwin
* Screenwriter: Barry Cowan
* Stars: Christopher Fazio, Mikayla Ottonello, Matthew Downs, Harry Edison, Dorothy Downs, Jessica Ducharme
* MPAA Rating: N/A



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The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure (2012)

THEY COME FROM THE MAN who gave us the Teletubbies.

They look like Barney the Dinosaur, the Doodlebops, and H.R. Pufnstuf had a freaky three-way.

They had the worst box-office opening of all time.

And now, they’re coming to your home.

Yes, last fall’s infamous bomb The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure is now available on home video. It features the adventures of full-bodied puppet-kids Goobie, Zoozie, and Toofie as they plan a surprise birthday party for their friend Schluufy, who happens to be…a gibberish-spewing pillow. But when their friend, a vacuum named J. Edgar (because he’s a Hoover, get it?), trips and loses five magical balloons meant for Schluufy, the Oogies set out to retrieve the balloons in time for the party.

The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure is an interactive movie, with the Oogies talking to the screen and urging preschoolers to get out of their seats at various points in the film and take part in song and dance routines, complete with follow-the-bouncing-ball lyrics displayed at the bottom. These overzealous commands quickly spiral out of control, often coming just minutes apart and sometimes lasting for mere seconds before the kids are told to sit down. (It makes the stand-sit-pray frequency of a Catholic mass look tame.) The songs are of the Chinese-water-torture variety, repeating the same verse over and over until you confess to crimes you didn’t even commit.

The Oogies encounter actual human beings in their journeys, and it makes you wonder what career-ending scandals these actors are hiding that allowed them to be blackmailed into appearing:

• Cloris Leachman as a polka-dot-loving shrew named (wait for it) Dottie
• Chazz Palminteri as Marvin Milkshake, who basically hazes his customers into dancing for their drinks at his dairy bar
• Toni Braxton (whose recent bankruptcy might explain her presence here) as a pop diva in a painfully long segment where she sings a ballad about coughing and sneezing
• The Princess Bride’s Cary Elwes, who seems to be enjoying himself way too much as a bubble-loving cowboy whose bouncy swagger makes him look like he has to pee
• Jaime Pressly as a latino salsa dancer and her partner Christopher Lloyd, who’s dressed in flamenco garb and speaks only by beating his bongos

And just when it seems all of Schluufy’s birthday balloons are safely retrieved by the Oogieloves, they’re lost again due to a strong wind. But before you can say deus ex machina, the balloons declare, “There’s only one thing stronger than the wind: love!” So the Oogies – and I am not making this up – start blowing kisses over and over to bring the balloons back. It’s at this point your mind starts coming to grips with the fact that the entire film centers around a surprise birthday party for a pillow. (When does life exactly begin for a pillow? Is it the manufacture date on the tag?)

Spoiler alert: The Oogies’ kisses bring the balloons back and the party is a success, as Schluufy sits there like some kind of stuffed invalid while everyone dances around him, seemingly rubbing their mobility in his face.

On some level, the Oogieloves’ creator Kenn Viselman (he of Teletubbies and Thomas the Tank Engine fame) should be commended for trying something different with the interactive nature of The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure and its world of bright colors, soft shapes, and surreal settings. But factor in the trite, grating musical numbers, stilted dialogue, inept animal puppetry, often-insulting tone, and complete lack of substance, and you’re left with nothing more than an 88-minute mess. The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure may be filled with the best intentions, but so is the road to Hell.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy and Jack-Jack think?

FilmBoy thought The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure was awful, declaring at mid-point, “How is the guy who created this not embarrassed?” Jack-Jack kept saying repeatedly, “Why was this in the theaters?” – though secretly, I think he may enjoy the film more than he lets on.

Is it suitable for your kids?

From a strictly content perspective, yes – unless you consider Jaime Pressly kissing the Oogieloves’ pet fish on the lips to be subversive.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

My FilmMother thought The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure was trippy, annoying, and devoid of any educational value. Halfway through, she said to me, “We’re never gonna get these moments back, you know.”

More like the Oogiehates, amiright?

Thank you, try the veal.

The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure
* Director: Matthew Diamond
* Screenwriter: Scott Stabile
* Stars: Christopher Lloyd, Cary Elwes, Jaime Pressly, Cloris Leachman, Chazz Palminteri, Toni Braxton, Garrett Clayton, Maya Stange, Nick Drago, Malerie Grady, Steve Blackwood
* MPAA Rating: G


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The Iron Giant (1999)

RARELY DOES A FILM COME ALONG like The Iron Giant that ignites a passion in people.

Part of that passion comes from the fact that it’s a terrific film on all levels – a fantastic story featuring rollicking action, touching relationships, and the last gasp of top-notch 2D animation (only the Iron Giant himself is computer-animated).

Another part of that passion is even more fascinating: Watch the reaction of someone who’s seen The Iron Giant when another person tells them, “I’ve never seen it.” The first person will start to stammer, eyes widened, falling over themselves to tell the other person how great it is, and that they must see it immediately. That reaction is justified by the person, and earned by the film.

Set in Maine at the height of paranoia surrounding the Cold War, The Iron Giant follows nine-year-old Hogarth Hughes (Eli Marienthal), an avid reader of comic books and watcher of the many B-movie sci-fi flicks of the era. When a giant metal alien (voiced by Vin Diesel) lands in Hogarth’s town, he hides him as best he can from prying eyes, primarily those of sneaky government agent Kent Mansley (Christopher McDonald). While it feels like a childhood dream come true for Hogarth (“My very own robot!”) and the two start forming a bond, he seeks help from a local beatnik (the perfectly cast Harry Connick, Jr.) whose scrapyard provides a safe haven from the paranoid townfolk and the US Army…but for how long?

Director Brad Bird (The Incredibles, Ratatouille) does a masterful job of developing the relationship of Hogarth and the Giant (via Tim McCanlies’ terrific script) as Hogarth explains the ways of Earth as he sees them – from the awesomeness of Superman, to the joys of doing a cannonball into a lake, to the violence and sadness of guns.


Cynics may dismiss The Iron Giant as nothing more than E.T. with a robot, but they’d be wrong on several levels, the biggest one being that the source material for The Iron Giant – the 1968 novel The Iron Man by Ted Hughes – predates E.T. by nearly 15 years. However, there is one similarity: If you cried at the ending of E.T., you’ll probably blink back tears during The Iron Giant’s finale.

Warner Brothers’ mishandling of The Iron Giant’s theatrical release in 1999 is one of the more colossal blunders in the history of the business. The studio barely promoted or advertised the film, so it vanished from theatres in weeks. Luckily, it found a second life through home video and word of mouth, and is now considered a classic.

The Iron Giant is a tremendous, powerful story featuring lessons on life, death, friendship, love, and sacrifice. Simply writing this review makes me want to watch it again. If that’s not a ringing endorsement, I don’t know what is.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy think?

He and I share the rating. He couldn’t put his finger on any favorite part, but he thoroughly enjoyed The Iron Giant – laughing at several scenes of Hogarth and the Giant bonding and playing, and getting caught up in the finale when the Giant must evade and ultimately face off against the US Army, who are determined to destroy him.

Is it suitable for your kids?

The Iron Giant is rated PG for “fantasy action and mild language.”
Violence/Scariness: Hogarth gets a nosebleed after running into a tree branch; a deer is shot and killed (we hear the gunshot then see the lifeless body); Mansley knocks Hogarth unconscious with a chloroform rag; two boys are in peril of falling off the top of a building; the army shoots a mass amounts of weapons at the Giant, including guns, tanks, and missiles; the Giant responds with his own catalog of weapons that destroys several tanks and army trucks (no soldiers are killed). The finale, involving Hogarth’s town, the Giant, and a nuclear missile, may be emotionally intense for very young children.
Drugs/Alcohol/Tobacco: There are passing mentions of alcohol that will probably go over young kids’ heads. Mansley smokes a pipe on occasion. Hogarth gets comically wired after drinking an espresso.
Language: There are mild profanities: “hell” (2x), “damn it” (2x), and in the finale, Mansley declares, “Screw our country!”

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Yes. And if she’s not sure, make her. It’s a great film she shouldn’t miss.

 

That's either the Giant, or the squirrels are

throwing an all-nighter in their penthouse suite.

The Iron Giant
* Director: Brad Bird
* Screenwriter: Tim McCanlies
* Stars: Eli Marienthal, Vin Diesel, Harry Connick Jr., Jennifer Aniston, Christopher McDonald, John Mahoney
* MPAA Rating: PG


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The Expendables 2 (2012)

IF YOU TOLD ME 20 YEARS AGO that Rambo, John McClane, and The Terminator were in the same movie, I would’ve pulled a muscle in my sprint to buy a ticket. But now that the men behind those three action icons have finally joined forces in this year’s The Expendables 2, the experience is hollow, anti-climactic, and two decades too late.

Not that Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger share equal screen time. Like the 2010 original Expendables, this is Stallone’s show, with Bruce and Arnold in supporting roles (though larger than their opening-and-gone appearances in the first film). Here, Stallone’s Barney Ross leads the same team of mercenaries – Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, and Terry Crews – plus two new team members: young sniper Billy (Liam Hemsworth) and weapons specialist Maggie (Nan Yu).

The Expendables 2 opens with a spectacular attack and rescue sequence (despite cheesy CGI blood sprays and poor ADR). This ultimately leads Ross and his team to bad guy Vilain, played by Jean-Claude Van Damme, who’d be more intimidating if you could understand half of what he’s saying. Vilain and his small army plan to steal stockpiles of plutonium from an abandoned Russian mine and sell to the highest bidder, but not before Vilain kills one of Ross’ men. Judging from the pecking order of the cast, you can probably guess who it is (rhymes with “Shmemsworth”).

No one’s looking for high art in the Expendables films or the blow-‘em-ups of yesteryear they hope to emulate. But The Expendables 2 is dumb and ridiculous even by ‘80s standards. Cheesy one-liners elicit more groans than laughs, there are hackneyed references to the stars’ classic action characters and their catchphrases, and every other scene seems to be our heroes walking in slow motion to the “dum-da-da-dum” score by Bryan Tyler.

Essentially, The Expendables 2 is an exercise in missed opportunities. Li disappears after the opening sequence, Mickey Rourke (who had the most poignant scene in the original) does not appear, Van Damme and Lundgren never square off in a possible Universal Soldier rematch, and Chuck Norris’ cameo is pointless and uninspired (he’s basically the Mighty Eagle to the Expendables’ Angry Birds).

And yet again, not one member of Ross’ original team (despite the overwhelming odds) is killed or even seriously injured. Stallone and co-screenwriter Richard Wenk could have really upped the audience involvement by bumping off someone like Statham, Li, Lundgren, Couture, or Crews and made us thirsty for Van Damme’s blood. We can only hope that if the rumored Expendables 3 happens, Stallone and the filmmakers will take a chance and show just how expendable these kill-‘em-all characters truly are.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

The Expendables 2 is rated R for “strong bloody violence throughout,” and they ain’t kidding: shootings, beatings, stabbings, dismemberments, and immolation, to name a few. In addition, many, many things – from bridges to tanks to planes to buildings – are blown up, crashed, or demolished. Strangely, there is very mild use of profanities (though one use of “retard”).

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Highly, highly unlikely. Between the awful dialogue, bloody violence, and aged action stars, I think she’ll feel that what’s not expendable is 103 minutes of her life to sit through this.

Yay, we won! Orange whips on me!

The Expendables 2
* Director: Simon West
* Screenwriters: Richard Wenk, Sylvester Stallone
* Stars: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Liam Hemsworth, Scott Adkins, Yu Nan
* MPAA Rating: R (strong bloody violence throughout)


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Westworld (1973)

MENTION THE NAME “MICHAEL CRICHTON,” and most people think of the best-selling author of thrillers such as The Andromeda Strain, Congo, Disclosure, and Rising Sun.

But in the early 1970s – after witnessing the animatronic people at Disneyland’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride – Crichton wrote and directed his feature-film debut, Westworld.

In the near-future of Westworld, people can spend $1,000 a day to visit Delos, an adult-themed amusement park where guests live out their wildest fantasies. Comprised of three worlds (Medieval World, Roman World, and Westworld), Delos is inhabited by robots who look, act, sound, and even bleed just like the human guests. Like Disney World, Delos is supported by an elaborate underground control center, where a staff of technicians controls the robots and the scenarios, and provides repair to robots damaged in the action taking place.

It’s Westworld where our leading men are headed: manly man John (James Brolin) and nebbish Peter (Richard Benjamin). Once they arrive, the two have lots of fun with saloon whiskey, loose women, bar fights, and jailbreaks. They even engage in shootouts, often with a steely-eyed troublemaker dressed in black (Yul Brynner). Everything’s good-time, rootin’-tootin’ fun – until the robots start malfunctioning and killing the guests.

Throughout Westworld, Crichton teases at the potential breakdown of the Delos parks: the supervisor (Alan Oppenheimer) voices his concern, a malfunctioning robo-rattlesnake bites John, and a Medieval World wench (Anne Randall) refuses a guest’s seduction. These minor glitches soon develop into to deadly attacks on the guests, with a fatal swordfight in Medieval World, a violent riot in Roman World, and Brynner’s gunslinger coldly gunning down a Westworld guest.

While Brynner is in Westworld for less than half its running time, his robotic gunslinger steals the film. In an homage to his character from The Magnificent Seven (he even wears the same outfit), Brynner portrays the perfect blend of ice-cold killer and calculating humanoid, with a piercing stare made extra chilling by Brynner sporting light-reflecting contact lenses.


After shooting one of our leading men dead, Westworld’s gunslinger methodically pursues the survivor through all three Delos parks – thumbs hooked in his gun belt, eyes fixed on his target, and using thermal vision (shown in POV) more than a decade before Predator.

Yes, Westworld has its plot holes, it dips into camp on occasion, and a lot of the dialogue (especially between Brolin and Benjamin) is disposable. But it’s still a very entertaining film that’s essentially the blueprint for Crichton’s more ambitious themepark-run-amok story: his 1990 novel Jurassic Park.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

Westworld is rated PG, though if it was released today it may have been PG-13.
Violence/Scariness: Several people and robots are shot or stabbed, with blood pouring from the wounds; a robot is set on fire and fully engulfed in flames; John and Peter shoot a robotic rattlesnake; the Delos technicians suffocate after the park’s breakdown cuts off their air supply.
Sex/Nudity: John and Peter sleep with robot hookers at the saloon; one of the hookers is shown topless from the back.
Profanity/Language: Two occurrences of “God damn it.”

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

Westworld feels like a film you’d enjoy by yourself, with friends, or possibly with your tween or teen son. Unless your FilmMother is a sci-fi fan, or a Crichton fan who wants to see his filmmaking debut, I’m guessing she’ll pass.

Boy, have we got a vacation for YOU!

 Westworld
* Director: Michael Crichton
* Screenwriter: Michael Crichton
* Stars: Richard Benjamin, James Brolin, Yul Brynner, Dick Van Patten, Alan Oppenheimer
* MPAA Rating: PG


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A Turtle’s Tale: Sammy’s Adventures (2010)

AFTER HIS LACKLUSTER ANIMATED FILM Fly Me to The Moon in 2008, director Ben Stassen knew he had to step up his game for his next effort.

And while his follow-up A Turtle’s Tale: Sammy’s Adventures is no masterpiece, it’s lightyears better than Moon. (See what I did there? Lightyears? Moon? It’s a space joke, people.)

A Turtle’s Tale follows the journey of Sammy (voiced by Ben 10’s Yuri Lowenthal), a sea turtle who leaves the beach where he was born and spends the next 50 years exploring the world's oceans -- all while trying to find his first love, a female turtle named Shelly (Gemma Arterton).

Comparisons between A Turtle’s Tale and Finding Nemo are unavoidable and numerous – a sea creature searching the oceans for a missing loved one, meeting all walks (and swims) of life, encountering danger from both sea and man…yet there’s one area for comparison that is in A Turtle’s Tale’s favor: the animation. Stassen’s team has done a superior job of creating an underwater world that’s rich in colors, extremely fluid, and intricately detailed.

Despite this deep, lush world of CGI animation, the themes and characters in A Turtle’s Tale are ironically two-dimensional. All attempts at emotion or depth seem flat and uninspired, Sammy’s many adventures across the sea are less compelling than they should be, and when he finally finds Shelly (what, you thought he wouldn’t?), it’s one of the more anticlimactic reunions between two lost loves in recent memory, turtle or otherwise.

Another turn-off is the heavy-handed environmental message. In addition to fighting foes in the ocean, Sammy battles oil spills, plastic bags, trees being felled in a rain forest, pollution dumped in the ocean, and humans trying to harpoon whales. He even gets a peace sign painted on his shell by a family of neo-hippies he meets in his travels.


In addition to Lowenthal and Arterton, A Turtle’s Tale features celebrity voices by Anthony Anderson as Sammy’s best friend (and fellow turtle) Ray, Tim Curry as a mischievous cat, and Kathy Griffin as a wisecracking mama turtle.

 
A Turtle’s Tale: Sammy’s Adventures is a simple story of one little turtle’s journey through life. Unfortunately, its simplicity is also its downfall. It’s sweet but not sensational, nice but not awesome, watchable but far from a classic.

Not that any of that stopped Stassen: He released A Turtle's Tale 2 earlier this year.

Rating:

What did FilmBoy think?

He gave it 3 stars, saying it was a good movie…but he couldn’t think of anything specifically good about it.

Is it suitable for your kids?

A Turtle’s Tale: Sammy’s Adventures is rated PG for mild peril. Baby turtles are in danger of being picked off by seagulls during their dash from the beach to the ocean; Sammy and Shelly face random perils via a bald eagle, the blades of a tanker, and various predator fish; and whalers attempt to spear a humpback whale. There’s also ongoing discussion of finding a perfect mate, but nothing inappropriate for grade-school kids. Maybe proceed with caution with preschoolers and younger.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

She’ll probably find A Turtle’s Tale cute and harmless, but otherwise unmemorable.

Owwww…getitoff, getitoff, GETITOFF!!

A Turtle’s Tale: Sammy’s Adventures
* Director: Ben Stassen
* Screenwriters: Ben Stassen, Dominic Paris
* Stars: Yuri Lowenthal, Anthony Anderson, Gemma Arterton, Melanie Griffith, Isabelle Fuhrman, Sydney Hope Banner, Ed Begley Jr., Kathy Griffin, Tim Curry, Jenny McCarthy
* MPAA Rating: PG


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Starcrash (1979)

IT’S NO SECRET that after the blockbuster success of Star Wars in 1977, a glut of quickie, low-budget space sagas flooded the market over the next few years, all looking to cash in on the phenomenon.

And probably no one in the history of motion pictures has successfully mastered the art of “quick” and “low-budget” like the legendary Roger Corman. So it’s a no-brainer that he entered this stampede of sci-fi schlock by producing the 1979 turkey Starcrash.


Marjoe Gortner (Bobbie Jo & The Outlaw) and Caroline Munro play a pair of interplanetary smugglers recruited by an emperor (Christopher Plummer) of a nearby planet to help defeat the evil Count Zarth Arn (Joe Spinell) of the League of the Dark Worlds (DUN-DUN dunnn…), who’s planning to use The Doom Machine (DUN-DUN dunnn…) to destroy the emperor and his planet (dun, dun, DUNNN!!!).

Picking the best worst element of Starcrash is like trying to pick a favorite color of the rainbow. There are so many to savor: unconvincing miniature spaceship models, jarring editing, poor matting, the dated use of wipes and lap dissolves, melodramatic dialogue with expired phrases like “we’ve studied all the videotapes,” and cheesy stop-motion animation that immediately makes you yearn for anything by Ray Harryhausen. (Irony alert: Munro faced off against Harryhausen’s classic stop-motion creatures in 1973’s The Golden Voyage of Sinbad.)

The cast’s ham-fisted performances make it obvious they’re in on the joke. Gortner plays leading man Akton as part hero, part guide: Much of his dialogue consists of explaining oddities or advancing the threadbare plot. As space vixen Stella Star, Munro’s sexy British voice is removed and dubbed by American actress Candy Clark (Gortner’s then-wife). To compensate, Munro is scantily clad for much of the film – which is an additional blessing since her acting consists mostly of a raised eyebrow, scowling, smoldering stares, or a head-shake-and-grin combo.


As the Emperor, a slumming Christopher Plummer (who shot all his scenes in one day) gives as much regality and class as possible to his role, while Spinell (Rocky, Maniac) does such a good job hiding his Noo Yawk accent that is sounds like someone else dubbed his lines. And since everything can use a little Hoff, the Emperor’s son Simon (David Hasselhoff) shows up around the one-hour mark to help with the cause. However, it’s soon after Hasselhoff’s appearance that Starcrash starts to lose its playfulness – lumbering into a mundane, anemic third act despite lots of stuff getting blowed up real good.

Directed by Italian schlockmeister Luigi Cozzi (under the name Lewis Coates) and originally released in Italy as “Scontri Stellari Oltre la Terza Dimensione (Stellar Clashes Beyond the Third Dimension),” Starcrash wasn’t Corman’s only entry in the post-Star Wars sci-fi boom: He also produced the far superior Magnificent-Seven-in-space epic Battle Beyond The Stars.

In the finale of Starcrash, the Emperor orders his imperial battleship, “Halt the flow of time!” At many points during this clunker, it does indeed feel like time is standing still.

Rating:

Is it suitable for your kids?

Starcrash is rated PG: Several people are shot dead by laser guns; victims of a spaceship crash are shown frozen in the snow; Stella, Akton, and Simon engage in hand-to-hand combat with enemies at various points; and there is one utterance of “damn.” Basically, if your kids have seen Star Wars, there’s no reason they can’t watch Starcrash.

Will your FilmMother want to watch it?

The two of you could have some fun with Starcrash by goofing on it MST3K-style, but the novelty may wear off before the end credits roll. You’re probably better off exploring it alone as a morbid curiosity to see what makes it such a talked-about train wreck.

Yes, that’s a light saber. No, nothing is sacred.

Starcrash
* Director: Luigi Cozzi
* Screenwriters: Luigi Cozzi, Nat Wachsberger
* Stars: Marjoe Gortner, Caroline Munro, Joe Spinell, Christopher Plummer, David Hasselhoff, Robert Tessier, Judd Hamilton
* MPAA Rating: PG


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