Where the hell have I been?

Apparently I needed to take a l o n g break after October!  I haven't been paying much attention to what I've been consuming, mostly needing to turn my brain off and just veg in front of a screen of late.  I've watched a bunch of stuff, including:

• Batwoman which I rather like, just like I like the other Arrowverse shows (Legends of Tomorrow is my favorite, I think).  Like the others, Batwoman will have some growing pains but even the first season is improving as it goes.
• Crisis on Infinite Earths - since I was doing Batwoman, I figured I'd watch the Crisis episodes too, even though I haven't kept up with any of those shows besides Legends.  I'm a little in the dark as to Arrow - adult daughter from the future? - but I think I've figured everything else out.
• At the repeated urging of a high school friend, I've started Lucifer.  My friend says it has supplanted Buffy as his favorite show (!!!) so I'm giving it a go.  Tom Ellis is certainly charming, and I think it's getting better as it goes along, but I'm not 100% sold yet.
• I'm catching up on Legion episodes on Hulu too.  I never half know what's going on at any given time but it sure is pretty to look at.
• With this Hulu subscription, I've watched the first two Castle Rock seasons.  These are mixed, with some parts being very strong and others just ... meh.  I think S2 was better than S1, in large part because Lizzy Caplan (as Annie Wilkes pre-Misery) is SO AWESOME.  I also appreciate the fact that no one really tries to do a Maine accent (Tim Robbins skirts along the edge but never commits, thankfully) because I just don't think anyone who isn't a Mainer can do it.
• I've just started The Witcher, knowing nothing about the books or the games going in.  Reviews say that this show definitely gets better as it goes along, which is good because E1 was borderline incomprehensible.  I'm not sure I'm ever going to accept that godawful wig Henry Cavill wears, though.
• Finally, I watched The Shape of Water.  I'm a huge Guillermo del Toro fan but ... this movie won an Oscar for Best Picture?  Really?  Where was the plot (aside from being Beauty and the Beast)?  Pan's Labyrinth is a way, way, way better movie on all fronts.

Eighth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #1 Cronos

Welcome back to the Eighth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series!  We're going start things off all sophisticated-like with a Spanish/English-subtitled vampire movie by none other than the fantastic Guillermo del Toro.

Cronos was Guillermo del Toro's first feature film and while it doesn't pack the punch of some of his later works, many of his hallmarks are there: clockworks, insect imagery, preternaturally calm children and practical special effects.  In this elegant but not particularly scary vampire movie, an elderly antiquities dealer, Senor Jesus Gris (played by frequent del Toro collaborator Federico Luppi), discovers a strange gadget - the "Cronos device" - hidden in the base of a sculpture.  The Cronos gadget pierces his skin, filtering his blood, and although it is very painful, it rejuvenates him, de-aging and putting some spring back into his step - to the delight of his previously bored wife.  Unfortunately, a dying millionaire has sent his thuggish nephew (played by frequent collaborator Ron Perlman, looking so young here) to find this gadget.  The millionaire has the manuscript explaining how to use the Cronos device and is convinced that it will save his life.  Senor Gris and the nephew clash; the millionaire explains to Gris that he needs to drink human blood to replenish his own so the Cronos device doesn't kill him; Senor Gris is unwilling to go full-monster and dies a noble death, surrounded by his beloved granddaughter and wife.

The pace of this movie is, to say the least, languid and I will confess that I dozed off briefly at one point - and then woke up wondering why Senor Gris was wearing his suit backwards after he escaped from the morgue.  (Still don't know.)  And it isn't scary at all, with just a little blood and practical ick effects.  But the characters are engaging and anyone who has seen del Toro's later works can see his themes developing here.  Fun stuff.

The Straining

Because I am pathologically drawn to schlocky horror television, I've got Guillermo del Toro's new FX television series, The Strain, all locked into the DVR.  I watched the first episode, directed by del Toro himself, and am of two minds about it.  I liked it because it has some gruesomely scary moments, has a nice cadre of genre actors like Francis Capra (Veronica Mars), David Bradley (Broadchurch, the Harry Potter movies) and Sean Astin (Lord of the Rings), and because the vampires are nasty, horrible, terrifying creatures - there's no sparkling sex appeal here.  I didn't like the boring, predictable characters and their boring, predictable dialogue ... but I also didn't much like the source material either.  I shall stick with it, however - because there's not much else on of interest these days, plus I'm hoping for lots more icky, creepy, darkly funny bits like the heart beating in time to "Sweet Caroline."  If The Strain fully embraces the scary-weird like that, it'll be worth watching.