Xanax is my friend

In addition to my regular slew of medications I've been taking my Xanax each morning the last two days. Its helping a lot. The sequence of large decisions and large amounts of money being spent has had me teetering on the very edge of sanity. Xanax has been helping and I can be excited about moving instead of pulling my hair out. Well, between that and emotional eating... Which is better than emotional drinking. The new place is pretty great too. I mean its not paradise but its a world of difference compared to my current place. Im so ready to walk away from my tiny apt, my ugly neighborhood and my psychotic landlady.

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Jump in head first

Yup, there she is. My new baby. I'm afraid I made a mistake. I absolutely love the car but I'm afraid I paid way too much and could have gotten something else with very similar features for much less. In fact I'm pretty damn sure of it. I'll take this in stride like I have learned to do recently. Maybe as long as I can keep myself from telling any of my friends about my doubts I can avoid feeling too gullible.

New Car? Wha?!

I can't remember the last time I was so scared and excited at the same time. I am leasing a new 2011 Hyundai Sonata and I should receive the car tomorrow. I'm nervous for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that I'm relatively certain that my parents aren't going to be happy about this. I'm continually frustrated with the amount of time and energy I put into agonizing over what my parents, particularly my mother, will think about the things I do. I'm nearly 30 for crying out loud. When will it stop?

I've been dreaming about my dad a lot lately. Been trying to figure out what has prompted this sudden interest, but I can't think of anything significant. Thankfully the dreams about him lately have been nicer, unlike the usual. I have terrible dreams a good portion of the time, but lately they've been either sexual or pretty happy. Well, the sexual ones make me pretty happy, too... lol. But I was dreaming about my dad a few months ago and they were very disturbing - for instance finding him after all these years and he not wanting to have anything to do with me, or he has a new family and doesn't know how to or if he wants me in it.  Lately thought, they've been nice. I think last night I was dreaming about being at his house and he still had a bunch of my toys in the attic. We were looking through some and he asked if I wanted to keep any and what I wanted him to do with them. I had a strong feeling of nostalgia when I woke up... and warmth. Maybe my heart can't decide how to feel about him. He's been dead for 17 years, I really barely knew him. I'll never know him. All I know is the hundreds of stories that I've heard from those who knew him and those stories cover an impressive spectrum - from wonderful to monstrous. He never treated me badly but I was so young when he died that I have a difficult time differentiating between the constructed perception of him I've formed over the last 17 years and the father I really knew.

Enough reflection for now. Things are going really well in my life and I don't need to borrow any trouble by crawling into the deep, dark closet of my haunted childhood. Actually, I was just thinking tonight that if I could get laid on a regular basis I'd be pretty damn set.

s0z!! Was afk.

I've been sick for about a week now, so I haven't been at all interested in sitting in an upright position long enough to blog. I'm still sick, but tired of laying down I guess. Feeling overly ambitious tonight. I even bought toilet paper, since I figured 2 days without it was long enough. While I was at the grocery store I got all excited and bought lots of stuff to slow cook some chicken, but now I'm sitting here and my throat is hurting more and more with every word I type and as I look at what used to be counter space but is now a mountain of dishes I'm asking myself, "What the fuck were you thinking?"

So Much Politics!

For a while I was watching CNN all the time and considered it a priority to stay on top of the news but lately it just seems downright absurd.  The coverage on Japan was tragic and then annoying. I think its time that I admit that I've inherited the ADD that plagues America. I have been desensitized and lose interest quickly, even when the situation is dire. "Japan had another quake? Huh, that sucks. What's for lunch?" I want to be interested but when I try too hard I just become a bitch because I don't really want to be having the conversation. I'm making myself participate in something that my society makes me think I SHOULD be doing, so I resent it and become Mrs. Grumpy Pants. Morale of the story? Don't talk politics with me for more than 15 minutes at a time.

As a side note, the word "should" pisses me right the fuck off.

Sleep > ... all?

This is going to be quick because I want to go lay down, which is actually my whole point here. I'm so tired I don't even want to put forth the effort necessary to remain seated so I can play WoW. Or eat. Sad really. I feel defective. Most people don't have the luxury of going to bed as soon as they come home. I'm wondering if I do it because I'm really that tired or because I'm lazy. Or just because I can. I have a complex about being lazy. My mom told me I was all growing up so I'm still really insecure about it. Honestly though, I don't sleep well almost every single night. Last night it was nightmares about being chased by someone trying to kill me. This is not an unfamiliar scenario in my dreams.  I'mma just say fuck it and give myself the benefit of the doubt. Gnight.

Crisper Drawers

I don't understand crisper drawers. If I put anything in there I forget it exists until I'm searching frantically for the source of the pungent aroma wafting from my refrigerator. Why do they put the drawers for the food items that most rapidly deteriorate all the way on the bottom where you can't see them? And why are they called "crispers?" Does the drawer actually make anything crispy? It's not as though the drawer is air tight. Why don't they make special zip lock bags or rubbermade containers that are produce friendly? And see through. And stackable so I can put them on the top shelf where I'll remember to eat my vegetables. Which brings me to something I've been thinking about since I started WW. I love fruits and vegetables and barely eat any. I'm thinking that since they have no points on the program I'll eat them more as filler. Maybe it's wishful thinking but hey, this is day two in a row that I've blogged so I'm on a roll.