Thanks for Writing Reminder

Diane Lane and John Malkovich are excited about Thanks for Writing.

You should be too.
Every comment earns you a chance to win prizes.
You should win prizes.
Fletch, Drew Danburry, and Simon Columb have.
You should be like them.

Apparently, I Have a Type

Today, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir introduced me to Gene Tierney.  I'm happy to announce that we're in love.  After running down a quick list of other Hollywood ladies who're fighting over my heart, I realized that I have a type.

  

[Note: If you think this post was just an excuse to put up some pretty lady pics...you're welcome.]

He Shot Cyrus on FACEBOOK

He Shot Cyrus has an official Facebook Fan Page.  If you have a Facebook account, just search for "He Shot Cyrus" and we're the first page that pops up.  Inside, you'll find contest info, photo galleries, and links to the Best Of He Shot Cyrus.  You're already a fan, now prove it!

Look, Diane Lane's already a fan. Just look at how she looks at us.

The Return of the Living Blog

For all of you still bothering to check in here from time to time...thanks.  Between a thesis, a move, and a job change, life has been insane.  Now everything seems to have settled down.  In other words, I'm back.

Here are some things I feel should be said:

1. Netflix Instant Watch through the X-Box 360 is fantastic.  The only downsides are the lack of selection (especially under the TV category) and the "Your connection has slowed down so please enjoy Point Break in the all-new Super Blurry mode" message/feature.

2. Blockbuster Exclusives are bittersweet.  It's great that the film is going to see the light of day and I'm sure having at least a couple of copies in every Blockbuster in America is appealing but for those of us who rent elsewhere (i.e. Netflix), it's almost like Guy Madden's My Winnipeg and the great animated Fear[s] of  the Dark don't exist.  (Although, they do exist and you should track down a copy of each.)

3. G-Force beat out Harry Potter's second weekend?  How...who...ah hell, I don't know.

Anyways, I'm back.  Here's a picture of Diane lane for you because you've been so patient.

Killshot Release Date

Caught Fierce People at a free screening. Then it went right to DVD.

Went to see Jumper for Diane Lane. Two minutes of screen time.

Was excited for Appaloosa until her role was recast...Renee Zellweger...

Nights in Rodanthe went to theaters. But it was still Nights in Rodanthe.

Now Killshot is getting the direct-to-DVD treatment. Apparently not even Micky Rourke's rediscovered hype was enough to save this one. The popularity of Diane Lane, Thomas Jane, Joseph Gordan-Levitt, and director John Madden, wasn't even enough. I'll still be picking this one up on May 26th.

I'll be picking up a copy of this poster as well, if I can find one.

And my heat goes boom...

I'm not saying I approve. I'm just saying I understand.

(Click the link)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You...

My favorite post ever written, by anyone, ever.
Jason Bellamy's Diane Lane Naked at The Cooler.
It's more tasteful than it sound.




Also, Jason is hosting the Politics & Movies Blog-a-thon.
It goes from November 4th to November 9th.
Everyone should participate.
Until, go read Diane Lane Naked.

Talented Screenwriters Wanted!

Here's what I just read over at IMDB:

"[Diane] Lane Contemplates Quitting Acting"

Hollywood's most beautiful and talented actress is thinking about dropping out of the biz because she keeps getting offered bland and boring roles. While promoting Nights in Rodanthe, Lane told Moviefone that "This film is the last film, and by that I could mean it in any way. It's the last one I did, and it's the last one I'm gonna do for a while, and it's the last one I have in the can ... and then we'll see."

Why can't Juliette Lewis stop making movies? Who keeps giving Hilary Swank roles that she finds interesting. If it's just this easy to get actresses to quit signing those contracts, why aren't we doing it? I bet it works with actors too! What if Mr. Diesel, Christensen, and Reeves only received bad scripts? Oh, I guess it doesn't work for actors.

Let's get down to business now. Diane Lane needs better scripts. Your duty as avid cinephiles is to make sure that films like Jumper stop getting made. Get your Macbooks, Final Draft discs, and Redbull twelve packs. Start writing and don't stop until you've come up with another Unfaithful.

To inspire you, here are more pictures of Diane Lane
and her angelic, porcelain-skinned features.

Unseen DVD Blog-a-Thon: Fatal Attraction

Cinexcellence is hosting the Unseen DVD Blog-a-Thon.
Synopsis: pick up a DVD you normally wouldn't, watch it, write a little something.

For those of you who've never seen Fatal Attraction, this is the movie that teaches you that cheating on your spouse leads to the death of your child's pet. Every time. If you cheat, Mr. Tiddilywinks gets put in the wood chipper. Every time.

In short, Michael Douglas plays a businessman who has an affair with a co-worker, Glenn Close. Shortly afterward, she turns into a crazy ass stalker. She does all the usual stuff: nighttime phone calls, creepy mixtapes, destruction of property, etc. But then she goes above and beyond her stalker duties. Wrist slitting, (fake?) pregnancies, and Whitesnake hair. She's a real sicko.

Right away, the title made sense to me. Anyone who finds Glenn Close attractive deserves to die. Period. Her name is GLENN. That's not a sexy actress name, that's a computer programmer name. Also, being born after 1960 automatically disqualifies me from understanding why Michael Douglas ever had a career. The man looks like a unhappy California Raisin. I watched It Runs in the Family. The next day Future Scott called and said the pain wasn't going away.

There are just too many sex scenes in this movie. I'm no prude, but Ernest Does Dallas was sexier than Fatal Attraction. The last time I saw Glenn Close naked, she was crying on the floor of a shower. Now, that's either a scene description from The Big Chill or a personal story that I'll end now. Glenn Close nudity is a lot like gym class nudity. You know it's inevitable but you do everything you can to divert your eyes. Also, watching Douglas struggle to get his tighty-whiteys off wasn't pleasant either.

Disgusting sex scenes aside, the movie turned out to be pretty entertaining. There are some really tense scenes when you realize that Close isn't playing a monster, she's playing a woman with mental problems. It screams Play Misty for Me but still works as a sex thriller. The director, Adrian Lyne, knows about sex flicks. He's made Fatal Attraction, 9 1/2 Weeks, Indecent Proposal, Lolita, and my favorite Diane Lane film: Unfaithful.

All in all, if you're looking for a well-made film about something that could actually happen (the stalker part, not the sex with Glenn Close part) then you might want to pick this up. But from the looks of his filmography, Lyne has quite a few other movies you might want to watch instead. Just take a look at this successful director's progress.


He went from this:
To this:
His movies may all be pretty similar...but least his casting has improved.

Thanks to Cinexcellence for hosting the Unseen DVD Blog-a-thon. Without it, I might have never seen Fatal Attraction. And without seeing Fatal Attraction, I would have had to think of another reason to put up another Diane Lane picture.

Casting The Office Movie

So, as you've all heard by now, they're making a movie out of TVs hit comedy, "THE OFFICE." As it turns out, during the writers strike, not everyone was taking time off work. Ryan Howard, who writes in addition to acting on the program, got together with some friends and wrote a movie script destined to hit theatres sometime in early 2010.

Rumors have been flying ever since the news broke. Some believe the movie will be a giant finale for the show. Others have guessed that it will serve as a bridge between two seasons. Either way, it's too early to tell. The writers have been extremely tight-lipped as to what the movie will actually be about.

One persistent rumor is that not all of the current cast members will be participating in the feature-length project. This has lead to guessing games as to which roles will have to be recast. According to NBC Executives, the project is still in the earliest of development stages. They promise to keep us updated as all final casting decisions are made.

This is really exciting news for all of us Office fans! It's sad that not everyone will be in the movie and that their roles are going to be recast, but until NBC releases more details, we're left to imagine. That's exactly what I did for today's blog. Here's a guess as to whom will play each character if the original actor/actress opts out. If you have your own guesses, PLEASE, leave a comment with your perfect casting choices!

Here we go. The cast of the new Office movie!

Stephen Colbert as Michael Scott

Clearly the funniest and most talented comedian to come off The Daily Show, Steven Colbert would make a perfect big-screen Michael Scott. Has Steve Carell ever won a Peabody award? I don't think so.

No one plays the boss like Mr. Colbert. He makes me call him that. I vote for a replacement immediately. Even if the movie ends up not getting made, the switch must still be made! Colbert's acting will bring an element of truthiness of which this show has never even dreamed.

Simon Pegg as Dwight Schrute

When it comes to comedy, the British do it best (except for Canadians). For all of you casters of doubt, if Simon Pegg can play Scotty from "Star Trek," then he can play Dwight K. Schrute. Both have weapon skills, dream of time travel, and have a fondness for beets. I can't really prove any of those points for Scotty. Hmmm.... Either way, a Brit is always funnier than a Yankee. It says so in the Bible...or the Constitution. I always get those two mixed up.

Ron Livingston as Jim Halpert

Livingston already played this role in a little movie called Office Space. If Livingston had turned and looked into the camera all the time, The Office could have never been made without copyright infringement. Krasinski has already proved that he's not ready to break into the big time with box office stinkers like Leatherheads and License to Wed. Better leave this one up to the pros.

Sexy Jenna Fischer as Pam Beesly

The first choice for the movie version of Pam was Amy Adams. Further deliberation pointed out that Adams had already appeared on The Office. Remember? She played the woman who sold handbags in the conference room.

I wouldn't want to anger the show's loyal fans (any more than the rest of this list is going to) and cast the same actress for two different roles. If Adams couldn't take the role, the only other woman who could play the adorable secretary/artist is Jenna Fischer. I surely hope she signs on because the movie needs her. She's by far the most important character on the show, wouldn't you agree?

Now, this is the movie version so everything has to be turned up to 11. Fischer has recently appeared in Blades of Glory and Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. The picture (above, left) is from the Will Ferrell/Jon Heder ice skating movie. In short, Fischer was the only entertaining thing about that flick.

Sexy Pam is the Pam for the new millennium! Don't worry ladies, she's not the only one getting sexier for the movie. Just check out who's playing Ryan.

Paul Rudd as Ryan Howard

I told you. Just look at that picture. There's not one of my female friends who don't think that Paul Rudd isn't gorgeous. And look, he's already grown his "I'm a jerk now" beard!

Suge Knight as Stanley Hudson (Unhappy Office Employee)

In a shocking turn of events, two actors will be playing everyone's favorite crossword-loving grump, Stanley Hudson. For the first half of the film, hip-hop mogul and known felon, Suge Knight will fill the role of "Grumpy Stanley." But good times are coming. Rumors have it that Stanley's greatest wish is going to come true. He gets to retire. The double casting of Stanley and his retirement are two of the FEW plot details leaked out onto the internet this afternoon.

Reginald VelJohnson as Stanley Hudson (Happily Retired Version)

Since he gets to retire, Stanley's go no more reason to be grumpy. That's where the casting change comes into play. Everyone's favorite TV dad, Reginald VelJohnson, from "Family Matters" is the perfect choice for "Happily Retired Stanley!" "We're very excited to have him on board," says the NBC Executive, Kaleen Martin, "his name is always one on the tip of my tongue. When it came time to cast Stanley, I knew that Reginald VelJohnson would be the perfect choice."

Kyle Gass as Kevin Malone

It takes a musician to play a musician. In this case, it takes a guitar player to play a drummer. From Tenacious D to Scrantonocity, Kyle Gass would rock this role! It's the acting role he was born to play. Just give him enough time to practice his Police covers and practice stuffing M&Ms into his mouth, and he will blow you away. I met Kyle Gass once, he was really funny and an all around cool dude. I wonder if Kevin's "touched in the head" storyline will still be going on by 2010?

Hope Davis as Angela Martin

Hope Davis plays "something stuck in her craw" better than anyone. She often plays roles described as "the killjoy," "the weird woman," or the "everyone needs to be more serious! lady." Check her out in About Schmidt, American Splendor, or The Weather Man if you're doubting this casting choice. Plus, I think it's be funny to watch her make out with Simon Pegg.

The Ghost of 78-Year Old Lucille Ball as Meredith Palmer

This was a hard one. As it turns out, there aren't as many actresses out there who can play this level of messed up gal. NBC executives reached out to Amy Winehouse for the role but have yet to hear back from her coroner.

Then, as if in a dream, the image of television's Lucy appeared to me. Only, it wasn't Lucy from back in the black-and-white days. It was Lucy from 1989, right before she died from an acute aorta aneurysm!

The aberration spoke to me, telling me that she was up for the role. God had let her out of heaven to play an alcoholic with a driving record worse than Hulk Hogan's son. Apparently, dead people keep up to date on Earth's current events. I wonder if they read my blog.

A Bratz Doll as Kelly Kapoor

This one is self-explanatory.

Eeyore from ''Winnie the Pooh'' as Toby Flenderson

So is this one.

Pablo Francisco as Oscar Martinez

There is a HUGE lack in Latino actors getting work in Hollywood. After going through list after list of actors, movies, soap stars, I eventually remembered one of my favorite stand-up comics, Pablo Francisco. As much as I would have loved Gael Garcia Bernal to play Oscar, there's a good chance he would turn the movie into an NC-17.

Jason Sudeikis as Andy Bernard

He played Jim on SNL's Japanese Office parody but for the big-screen production, he'd probably be more suited for one of the supporting roles. We know he can sing. He can make us laugh. But can he get angry? Does he scream at people? Punch holes in walls? This in one case where an audition would probably be necessary. Sudeikis appeared on NBC's 30 Rock a few times. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't want to hire from within the NBC family.

Diane Lane as Jan Levinson

You're telling me this wouldn't be an improvement?

Raekwon the Chef as Darryl Philbin

Every movie these days needs a rapper in their cast. Why not one of the best rappers? Wu-Tang! Wu-Tang! The mastermind behind "Only Built 4 Cuban Linx" would bring a lot of energy to the set. Actually, he'd probably just bring a lot of cocaine to the set? Wait a second, can Raekwon even act? Well, I guess it doesn't matter. Just watch Ja Rule in the Assault on Precinct 13 remake. Rappers don't need to know how to act, they get work anyway.

Alan Arkin as Creed

Which fifty-plus actor could walk a day in Creed's shoes? None of them, I doubt. Who would want to? None of them, I doubt. The Office's resident weirdo, Creed is the guy who got Debbie Brown fired, then passed a card around collecting money for her, and then kept the money! Read his blog if you refuse to doubt his sanity.

After his performance in Little Miss Sunshine, one actor stood out ahead of the pack. Alan Arkin can play a psychopath/cunning old man. Just mash his performances from Sunshine and Wait Until Dark and you've got Creed in all his glory.

Mother Goose as Phyllis Lapin

This one is for all the hardcore reference-remembering fans out there.

I hope you all enjoyed my casting choices for the Office movie. This, like my last post, is a part of Lazy Eye Theatre's Bizarro Blog-a-Thon. Click the link to find out the details for this blog-a-thon. But in short, there is no Office movie being made. I would never dream of re-casting the show. And if this plays off like more of an April Fools Day joke, sorry. But that's the way things go with Bizarro.

7 Movies That Are Better Than The Godfather

7 Movies That Are Better Than The Godfather

Everyone knows that The Godfather is the most overrated film of all time. I don't even think that half of the people who talk about it have ever even seen it. Seriously, who has actually taken the time to get through this thing? It's like 5 1/2 hours and it's completely in Italian with no subtitles! I'm not planning on taking a language class just to watch some movie about a bunch of old men and their Catholic ceremonies.

Peter Griffin sums it all up here in this kinetic typographic display of genius.

So, here's seven movies that I'd suggest renting instead of The Godfather. I promise that all of the languages are English and that none of these movies insist upon themselves. Enjoy.

1. Jane Austen's Mafia!

If you want a movie about the mafia, save yourself the time and buy a copy of this Mafia! I could make a Top Ten list just covering the different ways Jim Abrahams' masterpiece is a better film than The Godfather. First off, the acting is superb. If any of you happened to catch The Godfather, maybe on late-night cable somewhere, congratulations. It was hard for me too.

If you happened to make it more than five minutes in, I'm sure you realized that Al Pacino's character, Michael Corleone, was a complete rip-off of Jay Mohr's Tony Cortino. It's disgusting. I'm sure lawsuits were filed. Acting legend, Lloyd Bridges outshines Marlon Brando (The Island of Dr. Moreau), like a bucket of shoe polish at a Bostonian/Clarks outlet store.

I know there'll always be copycats, but I just wish they'd leave the classics alone. Don't waste your time with the knock-offs, do yourself the favor of watching Mafia!, the only mob movie with an exclamation point in it's title (until Coppola decides to rip that off as well).

2. The Happening

*SPOILER ALERT*
The Godfather blows compared to The Happening.
*SPOILER ALERT*

3. House Arrest

The kids in House Arrest wrote the book on how to be successful criminals. Sure, racketeering and murder are nice, but these kids locked their parents in the basement! In the basement! That's below the house!

When Ned and Janet Beindorf tell their children that they'll be divorcing, these little sociopaths decide that they've had enough. Stacey and Grover get their angry friends together and start taking over, house by house. Sound familiar? The mafia might take over an entire borough, but these sicko will come in your home!

Plus, all those Godfather fogies are old! I'm sure it's easy to get away with crimes when you have 60+ years of experience and driver's licenses. I'd like to see Don Vito pull off a successful double kidnapping when he was in middle school. I truly, truly doubt he would have had the foresight to call in sick to his dad's office using his "deep voice" in order to avoid suspicion. I truly doubt it.

4. Must Love Dogs

John Cusack. Diane Lane. Need I say more? No, I need not.

5. Kids

If my last post didn't prove this point already then allow me to explain once more. The best movies don't have plots. Ignore what those purist, hipster bastards from Cahiers du Cinéma keep trying to tell you. They do not know what they're talking about.

Coppola tries over and over again to keep a cohesive story going. If he knew anything about filmmaking, he would have just hired his friends to just sit around and have sex with underage teens. It worked for Roman Polanski.

6. Carpool

Another masterful piece of cinema featuring brilliant criminals and their intricate schemes. Unlike House Arrest, the criminal's age is a little older, his weight a little higher, his relation to Rosanne Barr a little closer. All that aside, Carpool is the modern day Rafifi.

A struggling carnival owner (Tom Arnold) decides to rob a gourmet grocery store to make some extra carny cash. When two other holdup men interrupt his robbery, Franklin Laszlo, is forced to take a hostage. Unfortunately for him, the hostage he chooses is in charge of his SON'S CARPOOL! The minivan filled with preteen rambunctiousness isn't heading to school today. It's actually heading on an action-packed afternoon which finds them being chased by an irate meter maid through a shopping mall.

Sounds better than some movie about an "aging patriarch of an organized crime dynasty transfering control of his clandestine empire to his reluctant son," doesn't it? Well, it is. Lots better. Also, did I mention that the irate meter maid is played by Rhea Perlman?

I thought that might do it for you.

7. The Godfather: Part III

Coppola finally gets it right! It took the archaic filmmaker almost thirty years to make a decent mafia movie. The characters are believable, the action is unforgettable, and the art direction is like looking into God's eyes and having him tell you that you are a good person.

Where the first two movies fail (can you believe they made three of these???) the third succeeds. We're just lucky they didn't decide to let a sleeping dog lie. After the second one, I was pretty sure that sleeping dog was dead. I just wish that someone would get off their keister and make a third Chinatown movie. The movie world's aching for it. How could it not be fantastic.

Al Pacino and Diane Keaton dish out the performances of their lifetimes. Forget what you saw from them earlier, I'm telling you, everything falls into place in The Godfather: Part III. This is the Godfather movie everyone's going to be talking about! It's a lot like the third Ninja Turtles movie where they go back in time and help out a Japanese village. Or the third Back to the Future movie where they go back in time and help out a Western town. It's a lot like these movies, except that no one goes back in time and no one helps anyone out.

Don't go check out the other blog-a-thon entries at Lazy Eye Theatre.

Them (2006)

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about how much I enjoyed The Strangers. The critics had almost universally dismissed the film as just another unimportant horror flick that didn't meet up to their collective standards. As it turns out, those critics don't read my blog. At the very least, they don't comment on my blog. I got a bunch of great feedback from you guys. Some of you were either excited to see The Strangers or had already watched it and really enjoyed it.

Thanks to Kim, Jonny, Taylor, Keith from The Kinetoscope Parlor, Rob from Natsukashi, and J.J. from As Little as Possible for dropping by and letting me know what they thought about The Strangers

The more I talked about this movie, the more people recommended a French thriller called Them. Using the same home invasion premise, I was told that Them was "Strangers done right." We'll see...

If you're too lazy to read this entire post, here's my verdict on Them: the first two acts are scary as hell, but by the end, all tension and suspense evaporates with the morning sun. I was so not scared that I decided to drop by the murder scene by my house and get some pizza. Oh, did I forget to mention that two people were killed 200 ft. from my house? Word to the wise, when a drunken a-hole demands that you buy him free pizza, you should probably buy him some.

Logging in at a slender seventy-seven minutes, Them follows a gorgeous schoolteacher named Clementine (Olivia Bonamy) and Lucas, her lover, through the worst night of their lives.

Just to give you an idea of who you'll be staring at, imagine Michael Cohen as the poor man's Oliver Martinez and Olivia Bonamy as the "living paycheck to paycheck but is holding out for that Christmas bonus" man's Diane Lane. Clear enough?



I don't want to just compare Them with The Strangers but since it's been presented to me as "The Strangers done right," then I think some sort of comparison is in order. Each movie has their strong points and weak points but it's safe to say that any slasher fan will find a hell of a lot to enjoy with either.

Like I said earlier, the first hour of Them is extremely stressful on the ol' ticker.
Them + high fiber diet - adult diapers = messy situation. Fortunately, the filmmakers leave the viewer an extra half hour to clean up before the credits roll.

Here's a rundown on good guys, the bad guys, and the location. If this doesn't give you a good idea of what you're getting yourself into...then I'm not very good at this.

The Good Guys

Clementine and Lucas make for a couple of decent victims. Their backstory is shallow but deeper than some other movies. Clementine teaches French to Romanian kids and Lucas is an writer who appears to be somewhat less-than-successful. Maybe all writers just look unsuccessful to me.

When push comes to shove, it's Clementine who's kicking the assess of their assailants. Clementine is rad. She takes all the risks, protects her man, and shows those hooded hooligans who's boss. Compare this to the sniveling, shrieking, Liv Tyler and you get a clear picture as to what a kick-ass woman should look like. Lucas is pretty lame but he serves his purpose, fighting back in overtime and proving not to be the absolute definition of 'sucktatude.'


The Bad Guys

Who? Why? How many? Who knows?

Individualism is not the defining characteristic of these baddies. Donning hooded sweatshirts and Chucks, a large group of mystery guests invade Clementine's proverbial talk show. They'll jack your car, stab your eyeballs, and even turn off the lights to make things scarier. There's one scene, and I don't think I'm giving anything away, but the bad guys puts this spaghetti in a bowl... Clementine puts her hand in it... well, I try to be spoiler-free here so you'll have to watch the movie.



The Location

Clementine and Lucas are trapped in their house. That's terrifying. Just the idea of home invasion has inspired a handful of really great horror films. (See: Funny Games) Even though you know every nook and cranny of your house, you still aren't safe. You know all the best hiding places. You know where the guns are hidden. You even know how to get from the Lounge to the Conservatory on a low die roll. But it doesn't matter, psychopaths always seem to be pretty determined.

Clem and Lucas' house is gigantic. She's a schoolteacher. He's a writer. I guess the housing bubble hasn't reached Romania yet. But affordability isn't the problem here, it's the fact that the house was clearly made for a horror movie. Lots of long hallways, scary attics and basements, and even a couple hidden rooms. They might as well have built on an old church, a nursery atop an Indian burial ground and a butchery. Everything just seemed too worked out.

Don't get me wrong, the scenes in the house work. I was sweating bullets that I tried shooting out of a water gun which was less fun than it sounds. The first hour is really scary but I kept getting taken out of it when I thought about the location. How convenient is an attic filled with hanging plastic sheets? That scene is actually scary as hell but the movie quickly loses it's steam afterwards.

Not to give too much away, but the most important factor in a home invasion movie is containment. Set the limits and stay within them. Them ignores it's limits for the last third of the running time. It doesn't add to the suspense because the containment factor is readjusted. In short, they go outside. It transforms from a terrifying "they're in my home" movie to "I'm going to hide behind this tree" movie. Which one sounds scarier? You're right.


This was one of the most difficult posts I've written for a number of reasons. Trying to avoid comparisons between Them and The Strangers was difficult because that's basically how I watched the movie. "Strangers done right." Well, I wouldn't quite say that. They both use the same premise in different ways but they have a lot of similarities too.

One nice thing about The Strangers is how the director left the story contained. It begins in the house and it ends in the house. There are a few outside expeditions but everything always gets drawn back to the starting point. The movie Cube just came to mind. It's really the best film to nail the confinement angle. Whooo, that's a good movie.

My advice is to check out all these movies and draw up your own conclusions. Then watch Funny Games.

Untraceable but not Irreplaceable

Untraceable just came out to DVD and I immediately threw it to the top of my Netflix queue. For my British readers let me explain. First, when I say "queue," I mean a list of movies, not a line you stand in. Second, when I say "Netflix," I'm referring to the best DVD rental company on Earth. Unfortunately, it's only availible in the States. Don't worry, though. You can still rent Untraceable from any of your local DVD rental stores such as Video City Video or some place you've got called Blockbuster. However once you track a copy down...don't bother renting it.

Diane Lane is the closest Hollywood's got to capturing the Kantian sublime. But seriously, after she got the Best Actress nomination I figured she'd start showing up in better flicks than Jumper, Must Love Dogs, and this cyber crime thriller. That being said, she does show up in these bad movies and always churns out a pretty decent performance. Diane Lane has always stood out to me but I don't know how many more Fierce People's I can watch.

One of the biggest problems with Untraceable is the huge number of completely forgettable actors who fill the roles. Granted, the roles are stereotypical crime thriller roles but none of these actors can seem to find a single way to make their characters stand out. You know you've got a problem you can't remember what the killer looked like 12 hours after watching the movie. I actually can't remember his face but I remember thinking that I was glad that they didn't cast Ben Foster. Ben Foster shows up in way too many movies and chews the scenery in each of them. Did you see Hostage? Exactly.

Alright, I'm going on a bit of a rant here but I swear I've got a point. Actors, if you get hired for a crappy role, put your own unique spin on it. Go through Samuel L. Jackson's filmography. You'll see plenty of bad roles but when you watch the movies--you end up remembering his performance.

Here are just two of the forgettable characters in Untraceable along with a picture of an actor who has played the same type of roles, only better.

You've got the tough type of police chief who gets in the way of the protagonists progress. This is his only purpose, to throw a wrench in the gears of progress. On the left, you see Peter "Unknown" Lewis and on the right you have J.K. Simmons playing J. Jonah Jameson. Alright, not the same role exactly but both are quasi-antagonists with some form of corporate power. Simmons always draws our attention to him. Check out his performances on TV's "Oz," "Law & Order," and "The Closer." Apparently, Lewis had a bit part in Forgetting Sarah Marshall but certainly don't remember him. I'm definitely not trying to say that he's a bad actor, I'm just saying that his performance in Untraceable was as stiff as cardboard and completely forgettable.

First off, I am extremely glad that Benjamin Bratt was nowhere near the shooting of this film. I wouldn't have cast him over Billy Burke, although he probably would have done a better job. The role of Detective Eric Box (hehe...) was practically written for Bratt. It's the same role he played in Miss Congeniality, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, Demolition Man, and his ninety-four episodes of "Law and Order." The only reason I wouldn't have cast him was because the second he showed up on screen, everyone and their dog would have known exactly who this Box was supposed to be. At least with Burke, we had about five minutes before we completely summed up his existence.

It was completely refreshing, however, to see James Tyler Ferguson back in action. Ferguson starred in a short-lived TV show on NBC called "The Class." Apparently, he's been performing in Shakespeare in the Park since the show ended and next up he's in the new Sanaa Lathan movie, Wonderful World. His role in this movie was small but affective. He definitely stood out more in his two minutes on screen than Billy "Don't Touch Me, I'm Pretending to be a Dead Fish" Burke did in the entire movie.



Let me just mention one of the high points of the film. The premise is awesome. Some guy kidnaps people and sets them up in some sort of "Going to Kill You Slowly" contraption. Then he streams live video of the victim on the internet on his website "KillwithMe.com."

As people click on the website, the victim is killed bit by bit. The more people that log on, the faster the guy is killed. One guy gets these heat lamps turned on and the temp. raises until he practically melts to death. Untraceable is like Saw meets YouTube...in a good way. The film is a little preachy and more than a little formulaic but the killer's elaborate setups are worth checking out. And Diane Lane is hot.

Not to end on a negative note but I feel that I have to mention that even the numerous FBI raid scenes are boring! How do you mess up a raid scene? Keep the camera tight on the action. Obligatory shot of the door being broke down from inside the house. Soldiers with guns drawn precisely swarm through out the rooms. A standoff between the gun nut hiding in the closet. Doesn't seem that hard, does it? Untraceable doesn't do any of this right. Even the raid scenes are ineffective.

I really don't mind a formulaic movie. I just want something interesting from a couple of the performances. I just want the formulaic parts to follow the formula their using. If you're going to do something I've seen before then do it right and put a little twist on it. I don't think I'm asking for much.