Otis (2008)

Contrary to the rumors flying around the blog-o-sphere, I do leave my house. Apparently, the United States Postal Service have been ignoring my "Please Deliver on Sundays" e-mails. Because of this, sometimes I don't have Netflix to watch! You'd think that the "4 Out at a Time" plan would be enough but clearly this is not always the case.

The worst is when I end up watching all four Netflix on a Saturday. I drop them in the mailbox fully aware that they won't get picked up for another 36 hours. Come Monday morning, they get picked up, transported to some sort of sorting center reminiscent of Dear God, and then they're off to Netflix (which I assume is some sort of magical land about thirty minutes East of San Jose, CA). Once the Wizard decides I'm worthy enough for more movies, the discs are delivered via magical Narnia-esque wardrobe, and I'm finally able to continue my quest for cinematical knowledge.

On one of these house-leaving expeditions, I made my way to a film festival about 30 minutes West of Netflix. Whitney from Dear Jesus, my faithful companion, accompanied me for a weekend of movie mania. Overall, the festival was a blast, and I plan on flying back from Utah for next year's festivities. But here's where leaving the house loses to not leaving the house. One of the films that I had been most looking forward to was M.I.A. As it turned out, Whitney and I would have to wait until the film was RELEASED ON DVD before we could see it. They expected me just to stay home and wait? Well, that's what I did. Three months later, the DVD has arrived! The film is Otis.

Now, before you get too excited, Otis is not a spin-off of Masanori Hata's insanely delightful animal buddy film The Adventures of Milo and Otis. Oh, I wish it was too. We're just going to have to deal with what we've got. Instead of a cuddly kitten searching for his precious puppy pal, we have a homicidal halfbreed who abducts teenage girls to reenact his prom. Sorry.




Here's the trailer. I don't know if it truly captures the comedic aspects of the film or the scary aspects either. The editor and I seem to have had the same difficulties with Otis. It's definitely scary, or at the very least, creepy. But it's really funny at the same time. We've all seen films that try for both, usually failing at one or the other. Otis succeeds.

The cast is incredible. Illeana Douglas and Daniel Stern play the parents who take law into their own hands. VIGILANTE JUSTICE! Douglas, as usual, stands out, always giving the movie she's in a little something extra special. For those unfamiliar with her, go rent: "Action" (the entire series), Ghost World, and Grace of My Heart. Even her smaller parts are memorable. Keep an eye out for her in Goodfellas.

Not to knock the rest of the cast, but Illeana Douglas outshines her co-stars like Anne Frank in a "Let's Be Quiet" contest. Whoever was in charge of her wardrobe for the VIGILANTE JUSTICE scenes deserves an Oscar. If you weren't too lazy to watch the trailer, I'm talking about the bandanna/goggles combo she sports while delivering the "...cut his fingers and toes off and blend them into a smoothie and make him drink it" line. Muy Classic. There's nothing like a take-charge mother ready to attach jumper cables to the anus of her daughter's kidnapper.




Speaking of this kidnapper, I know what you're all wondering. Is this another one of those movies where a really attractive guy seems normal at first but then turns out to be crazy way later? Is he the sort of handsome devil who you'd never expect to shove cats into ATM machines? Are the kidnapper's victims swept off their feet by such a debonair gentleman and it isn't until later that they realize they've made a mistake? You tell me.




Stepping up to the plate with a relatively small filmography, Boston Christopher, hits it out of the park. Actually, he'd probably get a triple. From Minute One, the beefy, brainsick Otis sends chills up your spine. We all know this guy. He's works a menial job, he wears a lot of high-tech computer gadgets, and he's probably posts on Craigslist's "Casual Encounters" under the name "Master Chieftess." You know you know this guy.

Otis has a sweet set-up. Stained mattress. Heat lamps. Nasty bathtub. Surveillance cameras. The only thing that's missing from this Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs Combo is a Hayden Panettiere-esque cheerleader. Unfortunately, Hayden Panettiere must not have heard her phone ring because her role was filled by Mel Gibson's whiny daughter from What Woman Want.

Ashley Johnson (the voice behind Gretchen in "Recess," the best cartoon since "Doug") does surprisingly well portraying a multi-layered character. Somehow, she refuses to allow her character to become stereotypical.

Jared Kunsnitz plays Reed, Ashley's troublemaker brother. The role doesn't call for much but he definitely isn't the worst part of the movie. Daniel Stern (the skinny crook from Home Alone) plays Ashley's dad. For as much as I loved the voice over work in "Wonder Years" and for as many times as I watched Bushwacked as a kid, it pains me to say that Stern wasn't exquisite in Otis. In fact, his performance made me realize why I hadn't seen him since the eerily prophetic Celtic Pride. Congratulations Boston! Sorry Mr. Stern.




The first hour of the film covers the kidnapping and the escape. Where the film really gets interesting is when the family subscribes to THE FREAKIN' VIGILANTE JUSTICE! How many times do I need to say this? Torture! Electrocution! Hilarity! One moment, I was laughing my ass off. The next moment found my jaw dropped and my vocal chords pushing out the words "holy schnikes!" Did I mentioned I happen to scream out 1995 slang when I get scared?

I don't want to give too much away, not any more than the trailer gives away. Let me just try to convince you to rent Otis using two words: Kevin Pollak. Bet you were expecting some more VIGILANTE JUSTICE! No, I"m talking about Kevin Pollack. That's right, Mr. Usual Suspects, himself. Victor 'Boss Vic Koss' Kosslovich, himself! It turns out, he and Illeana Douglas have a lot in common. While neither of them often have the main roles, they almost always outshine the lucky actors who get to star in their movies. Pollak plays Otis' brother who constantly screams at the touched terrorist to stop eating pizza, get a real job, and clean up the house. Here we find Pollak doing exactly that:



Otis is the cool movie you show your friends. Everything seems to fall into place. The performances work (even Stern's for the most part), the characters are believable while they do unbelievable things, and the cinematography / set / lighting / score / marketing / etc. are all effective. Some people (message board people) have spoken (typed) out against the ending. They're wrong. I'm right. I have a blog, so you have to listen to me. The ending rocks too. It's unexpected but fits in with the rest of the movie really well.

Like I said, Whitney and I had plans to watch Otis at the Cinequest Film Festival but when we arrived, we were informed that it had been picked up by a distributor and that all screenings had been canceled. Maybe it's just me, but I'd think that theatrical screenings would create word-of-mouth which would create higher DVD sales. I'm just a Cinema Studies student, not one of these hifalutin businessmen who cut in line in front of me at Chipotle. Anywho, Otis is out on DVD now, 100% Netflixable. Take a evening off from your busy lives and enjoy a really funny (and scary) film about young girls getting kidnapped and the families who enjoy

VIGILANTE JUSTICE!

And because I love you guys, here's a couple of great songs from a guy who is neither a family-friendly feline nor a portly pervert. Enjoy.

Otis Redding - Pain in My Heart (zShare)
Otis Redding - Stand By Me (zShare)
Otis Redding - (Sittin' On) The Dock Of The Bay (zShare)

I Spit on Your Grave

This was not my pick. Whitney over at Dear Jesus thought that the most romantic way to spend this evening would be to watch a couple of rape revenge movies and clog the toilet for six hours.

As a part of our Top 5 Movies We Don't Want to Watch Marathon Whitney and I each chose five movies that we've said (on more than one occasion) that we would never watch. We each picked a rape revenge movie from the '70s, mine was The Last House on the Left and she picked the one we watched tonight.

Whitney picked a gem with this one. I Spit on Your Grave. This film spit in my face. Roger Ebert called it a "vile bag of garbage." I called it a "vile bag of garbage." He said it first.


Jokes aside, this movie is disgusting. A woman is viciously attacked by psychopaths (who come off more like a bunch of bored yokels than actual crazy people) because she's sexual. Her greatest crime, according to the group's ringleader, was lying around at the lake in a swimsuit and answering her door without wearing a bra. It's a crime when Jean Stapleton does it, not when Buster Keaton's grandniece does it.

In forty-five of the most disturbing minutes I've ever sat through, Jennifer is attacked and held down by four men. One of the men rapes her and taunts the others to join in. Following the attack, the film doesn't fade to black like you might expect it to. The bruised, battered, and bloody woman struggles to her feet and walks through the woods.

We follow her as she trips and stumbles around until she eventually finds a man playing the harmonica. Our stomachs churn as the potential rescuer turns out to be one of her assailants. They rape her again. She fights to crawl back to her house. They're waiting for her in the house! They rape her again. Not knowing anything about this movie, I never expected to see anything like this. Jennifer, lying naked, blood-soaked, and unconscious, is left for dead.



Rape scenes are always tough to watch, but until tonight, the worst I had seen landed in the R-rated Death Wish realm. Death Wish was like that sneezing panda video compared to I Spit on Scott's Face. I knew very little about this movie before watching it. I knew it was a rape revenge movie and that it was supposed to be pretty rough. Well, I was correct on both counts. This movie features a woman being raped three times in less than an hour. What?

The second half of the movie follows Jennifer as she gets her revenge on her attackers. Some people have argued that the film is pro-women. It shows a woman getting revenge on those who wronged her and so on and so forth. I can see how a film like Ms. 45 might have that argument made for it, although I think it'd be a weak argument. I Spit on Your Grave is not pro-women, at least by any definition I subscribe to.

Los Angeles New Times critic, Luke Y. Thompson makes a compelling argument against those who claim the I Spit on Your Grave isn't as anti-women as Roger Ebert would make it seem. He states, "Defenders of the film have argued that it's actually pro-woman, due to the fact that the female lead wins in the end, which is sort of like saying that cockfights are pro-rooster because there's always one left standing." I couldn't agree more. For almost an hour, we watch Jennifer get graphically beaten and raped, to the point where you wish it would seem unbelievable but somehow that relief never comes.

Whitney and I's opinions differed when it came to Matthew, one of the attacker characters. Clearly mentally challenged, Johnny hangs out with this group of rednecks and throughout the film he is pressured to beat, rape, and kill Jennifer.

My main problem with Matthew's character is the sense of comedy he brings to the film. Now, Matthew's not funny, but his actions are specifically comedic. From the way he swigs his alcohol before he rapes Jennifer to the dance he does as he's taking off his clothes, Matthew serves as a distraction from the atrocities that are taking place. The film becomes less effective, at least from a pro-women standpoint, each time the viewer is taken out of the horror that the story hold. For every second that we are tempted to chuckle at his actions, the viewer is brought that much further from grasping the realistic terror that is being depicted.

Matthew's character is proof enough for me that the director did not have a single pro-woman thought running through his head while making this movie. Whitney and I discussed whether the problems were found on a script level or in the actor's performance and I'm lead to believe that it's most likely both. Richard Pace's performance is extremely campy while the rest of the performances are eerily not. He's just one part of this movie that didn't sit well with me but I don't want this to turn into a rant so I'm ending it here.

I Spit on Your Grave was worse than I thought it was going to be in that there were three times the amount of rapes as I would have guessed. As far as being a well-made film, it's really not as terrible as you'd think. The absence of any type of non-diegetic score really worked for instilling an overall creepiness. The look of the film is on par with a lot of other films of that time, surprisingly well shot. The sound needed work but not as much as the script. In the end, I went in striving to give this one a fair chance and that's what it received. What I received was a movie experience like none I had ever had before, good or bad, at least it's something.

Untraceable but not Irreplaceable

Untraceable just came out to DVD and I immediately threw it to the top of my Netflix queue. For my British readers let me explain. First, when I say "queue," I mean a list of movies, not a line you stand in. Second, when I say "Netflix," I'm referring to the best DVD rental company on Earth. Unfortunately, it's only availible in the States. Don't worry, though. You can still rent Untraceable from any of your local DVD rental stores such as Video City Video or some place you've got called Blockbuster. However once you track a copy down...don't bother renting it.

Diane Lane is the closest Hollywood's got to capturing the Kantian sublime. But seriously, after she got the Best Actress nomination I figured she'd start showing up in better flicks than Jumper, Must Love Dogs, and this cyber crime thriller. That being said, she does show up in these bad movies and always churns out a pretty decent performance. Diane Lane has always stood out to me but I don't know how many more Fierce People's I can watch.

One of the biggest problems with Untraceable is the huge number of completely forgettable actors who fill the roles. Granted, the roles are stereotypical crime thriller roles but none of these actors can seem to find a single way to make their characters stand out. You know you've got a problem you can't remember what the killer looked like 12 hours after watching the movie. I actually can't remember his face but I remember thinking that I was glad that they didn't cast Ben Foster. Ben Foster shows up in way too many movies and chews the scenery in each of them. Did you see Hostage? Exactly.

Alright, I'm going on a bit of a rant here but I swear I've got a point. Actors, if you get hired for a crappy role, put your own unique spin on it. Go through Samuel L. Jackson's filmography. You'll see plenty of bad roles but when you watch the movies--you end up remembering his performance.

Here are just two of the forgettable characters in Untraceable along with a picture of an actor who has played the same type of roles, only better.

You've got the tough type of police chief who gets in the way of the protagonists progress. This is his only purpose, to throw a wrench in the gears of progress. On the left, you see Peter "Unknown" Lewis and on the right you have J.K. Simmons playing J. Jonah Jameson. Alright, not the same role exactly but both are quasi-antagonists with some form of corporate power. Simmons always draws our attention to him. Check out his performances on TV's "Oz," "Law & Order," and "The Closer." Apparently, Lewis had a bit part in Forgetting Sarah Marshall but certainly don't remember him. I'm definitely not trying to say that he's a bad actor, I'm just saying that his performance in Untraceable was as stiff as cardboard and completely forgettable.

First off, I am extremely glad that Benjamin Bratt was nowhere near the shooting of this film. I wouldn't have cast him over Billy Burke, although he probably would have done a better job. The role of Detective Eric Box (hehe...) was practically written for Bratt. It's the same role he played in Miss Congeniality, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, Demolition Man, and his ninety-four episodes of "Law and Order." The only reason I wouldn't have cast him was because the second he showed up on screen, everyone and their dog would have known exactly who this Box was supposed to be. At least with Burke, we had about five minutes before we completely summed up his existence.

It was completely refreshing, however, to see James Tyler Ferguson back in action. Ferguson starred in a short-lived TV show on NBC called "The Class." Apparently, he's been performing in Shakespeare in the Park since the show ended and next up he's in the new Sanaa Lathan movie, Wonderful World. His role in this movie was small but affective. He definitely stood out more in his two minutes on screen than Billy "Don't Touch Me, I'm Pretending to be a Dead Fish" Burke did in the entire movie.



Let me just mention one of the high points of the film. The premise is awesome. Some guy kidnaps people and sets them up in some sort of "Going to Kill You Slowly" contraption. Then he streams live video of the victim on the internet on his website "KillwithMe.com."

As people click on the website, the victim is killed bit by bit. The more people that log on, the faster the guy is killed. One guy gets these heat lamps turned on and the temp. raises until he practically melts to death. Untraceable is like Saw meets YouTube...in a good way. The film is a little preachy and more than a little formulaic but the killer's elaborate setups are worth checking out. And Diane Lane is hot.

Not to end on a negative note but I feel that I have to mention that even the numerous FBI raid scenes are boring! How do you mess up a raid scene? Keep the camera tight on the action. Obligatory shot of the door being broke down from inside the house. Soldiers with guns drawn precisely swarm through out the rooms. A standoff between the gun nut hiding in the closet. Doesn't seem that hard, does it? Untraceable doesn't do any of this right. Even the raid scenes are ineffective.

I really don't mind a formulaic movie. I just want something interesting from a couple of the performances. I just want the formulaic parts to follow the formula their using. If you're going to do something I've seen before then do it right and put a little twist on it. I don't think I'm asking for much.

Death Wish

[MCMLXXIV...what a great year for movies.]

1974 saw the release of some of the most respectable pieces of cinematic art this side of Steamboat Bill Jr. Francis Ford Coppola directed The Godfather II, Paramount released Roman Polanski's neo-noir Chinatown. Two of the most awe-inspiring disaster movies, The Towering Inferno and Earthquake entered the entered the Top 10 Highest-Grossing films of the year. Along with all these pre-blockbusters, several future cult classics found their way into various movie houses and drive-ins. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and John Carpenter's directorial debut Dark Star both did just that in 1976. Somewhere in the middle of all these great flicks was Michael Winner's Death Wish, the story of a vigilante husband and father on a mission of revenge.

[Here we find Charles Bronson, perplexed by the new Ghostface Killah album.]

Charles Bronson plays Paul Kersey, a role originally intended for Steve McQueen. To start things off, I've got to let you know, this movie is crazy. Okay, it's not Ichi, the Killer crazy or Audition crazy, but back in the 1970s, the American people weren't ready for this one. Critics panned Death Wish because they believed it promoted vigilantism. The film's plot circles around an upper-class New York family who suffers an unspeakable tragedy at the hands of this man and his friends:

[Long before he was pushing iMacs, Goldblum was best known for his Old-Lady Sleeper Holds.]

A rough group of hoods, the head gangster (Jeff Goldblum), some big ol' skinhead, and a graffiti artist named "Spraycan"viciously attack Kersey's wife and daughter. This scene is really rough. Basically, the bad guys stalk the two women back to their house in order to rob them. When all they have is seven dollars between them, they decide to beat the mother and rape the daughter. The scene is pretty graphic and hard to stomach. Goldblum, in his acting debut, screams "Goddamn rich cunts! Cunts! I kill rich cunts!" as he repeatedly punches the woman in the face.

Some bad-acting comedy accidentally makes it's way on-screen as Spraycan coats the curtains with orange paint, over and over again. When he tries to tag their walls, all he can come up with is a sloppy swastika and an orange scribble line that looks like a a child's rendition of a Richard Scarry worm. In the end, Kersey's wife is murdered by the thugs. His daughter goes into a comatose condition, unable to speak or move on her own.

[Who wouldn't have faith in this police force? You've got The Ghost of Christmas Dinner and a comedy God fighting crime for you, what else can you ask for?]

Now, if someone killed my wife and raped my daughter, the first people I would call might not be the police. Granted, my opinion changed a little after watching Death Wish. The cops aren't any help. They can't follow any leads. They can't nail down any evidence. They hide the facts from the victims and the public. Even when they realize that Kersey has taken the law into his own hands, they just seem to look the other way.

This movie makes me want to shoot people. No, seriously. If there's one thing that Charles Bronson does well, he makes shooting people look easy. Every time someone's got a problem with him, he whips out his pistol, and BAM..., in the words of Ice Cube, "...another sucker dead."

[What happens when three muggers attack Charles Bronson in an alleyway?]

The last hour of the film is a series of muggings that Kersey purposely gets himself into. He walks around bad neighborhoods, practically with hundred dollar bills sticking out of his pockets, just asking for some young punk to mess with him. What does he do when someone finally takes the bait, well, I think the pictures explain it all.

I agree with the critics that claimed that the film promoted taking the law into your hands. It clearly does. Over and over again. Death Wish has its exciting moments but by the end of the film, they've gotten pretty repetitive. I specifically checked this movie out to do a He Shot Cyrus write-up. I can't say I was disappointed with the movie, I think it was a pretty rad working of the vigilante storyline. Ever since I was little, I had constantly seen previews for this on Telemundo or Galavision. Apparently, this movie is huge among Spanish-speaking audiences. I remember when I used to work at Hollywood Video, this got rented all the time. The only one that was rented more than Death Wish was Blood In, Blood Out, which I recently watched out of curiosity. It didn't deserve it's own post.

[Charles Bronson shoots them.]

Here's the trailer for the movie, along with the trailers for it's four sequels! That's right, there are a total of five Death Wish movies. I would sometimes see previews for the second and third movies, but until I looked it up tonight, I had no idea that four subsequent movies could be made from this plot. From the look of the trailers, they only get better and better as the years went on.

Death Wish

Death Wish 2


Death Wish 3


Death Wish 4: The Crackdown


Death Wish 5: The Face of Death

Here's a recap on the basic plot advances of the last 60 minutes of Death Wish.

[What happens when knife-wielding hoodlums try to rob Charles Bronson in a subway station?]

[Charles Bronson shoots them too.]

[What happens when Freddie "Boom-Boom" Washington/Richard "Cochise" Morris tries to attack Charles Bronson in the park?]

[Charles Bronson shoots Freddie "Boom-Boom" Washington/Richard "Cochise" Morris.]

This may not have been the best movie to come out in 1976, but it definitely into the category of "entertaining." There are more than two handfuls of really cool scene, and not just ones where Charles Bronson shoots muggers. One of the most impressive parts of the movie is how Bronson's character changes through out the story. He begins as a family man, the everyman, in a sense.

As the film progresses, his mind changes. I'm not talking about his opinions or anything, I'm talking about the entire way his mind works. His inherent motives and goals are radically altered and Bronson captures each stage of the transformation with clarity. The most interesting part of the plot is how, even at the end, Kersey never becomes a monster. Even during his times of chaos, he remains what he started as: a man.

Even with the film's unevenness, there's enough redeemable elements that make it work watching. Among these elements is, first and foremost, the film's score. Herbie Hancock, the genius that created the song "Rockit," the first mainstream song to feature the turntable scratch. I've included an MP3 of the Death Wish theme for you guys. Hope you enjoy it.

[And what happens if you try to shoot Charles Bronson while tries to peek up a woman's skirt? That's right, Charles Bronson shoots YOU!]

Herbie Hancock - Death Wish Theme (MP3)
Download (Rapidshare)

Download (zShare)

Until next week, or maybe a little longer thanks to the craziest finals I've ever had, let me know what you think of Death Wish and my blog so far. If you have any ideas on how to improve it, then drop me a line. I'll have a new poll question for you soon. Here's the results of last week's question: C. Thomas Howell received the most votes as to which Outsider is the easiest to beat up.

Rob Lowe came in right after him and there wasn't any Outsider who seemed to be untouchable, even Macchio who received two votes. I want to know who said they could beat up The Karate Kid. He'll put you in a body bag quicker than you can say "Glory of Love."

Most importantly, thanks to RC, Matt, Usesoapfilm, Natsukashi, Brian, Jonny, Taylor, and Whitney for leaving comments on my Top 5 Movie Rumbles list. They were awesome. Thanks a lot.

Top 5 Movie Rumbles

The first things I want to do is thank Matt, Whitney, Taylor, and Rob for leaving comments last week on my Warriors post. I also want to announce that the poll question resulted in a three-way tie. The coolest gang names are: The Warriors, The Rouges, and The Baseball Furies. Thanks to all those who voted. Make sure you check out this week's question: If you had to fight one actor from The Outsiders which one do you think you could beat up?

This week, Whitney and I decided that we would come up with some cool Top 10 lists for you guys. If you don't know by now, Whitney writes for Dear Jesus. I don't want to ruin any surprises but her Top 5 is awesome! Go check it out and leave her thousands of comments.

As for my list, the idea came to me while I was putting the finishing touches on my Warriors post. Thanks again to Whit, Matt, and Taylor for the comments on that one. The Warriors has tons of great fights, most of them involving groups fighting each other. Their fights against The Baseball Furies and even the Punks were great but they lacked a certain something. Planning. Whitney and I were talking about the differences between a spontaneous fight and a scheduled rumble. That's what I'm talking about this week:

The Top 5 Movie Rumbles

While a fight scenes are almost always cool (there are, of course, certain exceptions), there's just something so rad about a rumble. You might be asking yourself, "What constitutes a rumble? How is a rumble different than a group fight?" Good questions. For clarity reasons alone, I decided to write up a short list of rules:

a. Planning - This is probably the most important guideline when trying to determine if what you're experiencing is a genuine, for-real rumble. There should be a set time and location.
The park at midnight always seems to be a popular choice. Both sides meet up and no one starts fighting until one of the leaders says so. This is the coolest part of the brawl, the face-off. Each team sizes each other up. The fighters try to decide who they're going to hit first. This is the calm before the storm.

b. Participants - A rumble is a group effort. A team sport. Unless stated beforehand, bring as many guys as you know. Important note: bad fighters, weaklings, and wanna-be's make excellent decoys once the fists start flying.

c. Weapons - This is really up to the parties involved. Generally, there's a no-gun code amongst the participants but there's always a chance someone will bring a gun to a knife fight. Let's get serious now. Using a gun in a rumble might seem like a good idea, actually, it sounds like a really good idea...well, either way, it is not honorable. Honor is the most important aspect in every rumble, that's why so much planning goes into each one (see Rule A). But don't get too discouraged, just because guns aren't allowed doesn't mean you can't bring your bicycle chains, switchblades, steel-toed boots, sawed-off table legs with nails sticking out, or maybe your old VHS copy of Dante's Peak -- whatever you think'll hurt the most.

d. What Doesn't Count - For this list, there are certain scenes that didn't make the cut for various reasons. They may seem like they'd count but they're not bonafide rumbles. Some of these include:

1 vs. 100 Fight Scenes: One guy, usually a martial arts master fights a hundred cronies who, for some reason, can't figure out any attack strategy than attacking one-by-one until they all fall down. Movies that feature the 1 vs. 100 fight scene: The Matrix Revolutions, The Protector and Chan-wook Park's Old Boy.

The Epic Battle: I decided to keep huge army battles off the list. Sure, there's planning, teams, and violence, but they're no gritty street fight and that's what we're talking about today. Movies that feature the Epic Battle: Braveheart, Troy, and Lord of the Rings.

Okay, I think that covers it. Thanks for listening. On to the list!

Unfortunately, West Side Story did not make the top five.*

5. Big Trouble in Little China

The fun part about this rumble is the identification between the viewer and the film's main characters. In short, they don't know what's going on and neither do we. Jack Burton is stuck in his truck with his good friend Wang Chi when, out of nowhere, a gang of Chinese combatants makes their way down the alley. Burton freaks out and we feel for him. A rumble is going to take place with us in the middle.

The Big Trouble rumble (that's fun to say) meets all of the requirements. The participants: two large group of fighters both ready to put a serious beatdown to whoever enters their punch-kick-stab range. Planning: First off, the rumble starts at 1:23 into the clip. The gunfight at the beginning of the clip doesn't count. The rumble starts when both sides silently stare at one another. One guy yells and it's ON! Both sides rush the opposing line and it's "broken-bone-bloody-face time." The weapons: boards, swords, and karate kicks. Nice.

Wang Chi calls the rumble a "Chinese stand-off." This shouldn't be confused with a Mexican stand-off (See: Reservoir Dogs). Sadly, the rumble ends early when three bullet-proof lightning warriors show up and end the party early. While the fight lasted, it was filmed nicely. A good rumble scene depicts an absolute chaos. Flurries of bodies, weapons, and violence are intercut with clear shots of solitary acts of bodily harm: the snapping leg, the knife entering stomach, and even possibly, the coveted decapitation.

4. Anchorman

"I killed a man with a trident." That's all I'm going to say about this one.

3. Gangs of New York

It shouldn't be any surprise that Martin Scorsese's rumble would be the most gruesome. Daniel "Mr. Best Actor" Day-Lewis plays Bill the Butcher one of the most jaw-droppingly sadistic baddies in history. Of the entire list, this is the rumble with the most at stake. This one's for all the marbles. People die in this rumble...and not from a trident. They die from knives, hammers, clubs, and more.

Watch closely for one of the coolest headbutt shots in film history. There's even a Tyson-esque ear-bitting! A cool part about this one is that amidst the chaos a more focused conflict is coming to completion. Daniel Day-Lewis, the leader of the bad guys, squares off against Liam Neeson, the leader of the good guys. Even after multiple stabbings, you're not sure this one's over. It's this murder that sets the rest of the narrative in motion. Neeson's son witnesses the murder and vow to avenge his father's death.

2. The Outsiders

The original rumble. The one that started it all...well, at least for me. Ponyboy Curtis and the rest of the greasers against the rich-and-preppy Socs. I don't know where to start with The Outsiders rumble. It's got everything.

First off, the cast is incredible. You've got Patrick Swayze, Emilio Estevez, Tom Cruise, Rob Lowe, C. Thomas Howell, and more. The setting is just as good. It's in the middle of the night, in an empty park, in the rain! What else can you ask for?

There's no weapons except fists and boots (and one parked car). Maybe someone could answer this for me? Who set that fire and why? It's only shown in that one shot and has no real reason to be there except to look cool. Hmmm...

Interesting fact: the first punch that C. Thomas Howell receives actually connected. He got swung on and bloodied in the first shot. Also, Tom Cruise took out one of his tooth caps to make it look like he really got beat up. Not quite method acting, but still cool.

The Outsiders is rad for its entirety. The rumble isn't the only awesome scene, by far. The Markett's "Out of Limits" plays as Ralph Macchio gets attacked by some Soc guys, which in turn sets up the rumble. Diane Lane plays the romantic lead, Cherry Valance. Referencing Robert Frost, Macchio's last lines "Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold." will live on in our hearts forever. This movie has everything you need.

1. Unknown Japanese Schoolgirl Rumble

To be honest, in my search for the top movie rumbles I came across this clip from some unknown Japanese movie. I had to share it with you. Not a lot of intro here, just let me tell you that it's crazy.

There they are, the TOP 5 MOVIE RUMBLES of ALL-TIME! If you agree, disagree, love me, hate me, or fall somewhere in the middle, let me know in the comments.

In keeping with tradition, here's some MP3's from the movies featured on the list.

Ron Burgundy & Friends - Afternoon Delight (MP3)
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This song is crazy funny. If you haven't seen Anchorman yet, I don't even want to know why. This is really Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, David Koechner, and Paul Rudd covering "Afternoon Delight." This MP3 is ripped from the music video so it's got some ad-libbing in there that's really great.

The Marketts - Out of Limits (MP3)
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This is one of my favorite songs of all time. When I was a kid, I bought an incredible CD called

"Billboard: Top Rock and Roll Hits - 1964."

It had "Little Old Lady from Pasadena," "Last Kiss," "Leader of the Pack," and "She's Not There," along with this song, "Out of Limits" by The Marketts. Surf rock at its best. Believe me, you're going to want to hear this song, it's fantastic. It's featured during a Ralph Macchio fight scene (not a rumble) in The Outsiders.

John Carpenter and Alan Howarth - The Alley (MP3)
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Here's the score during the rumble scene from Big Trouble in Little China.

Howard Shore - Brooklyn Heights 1 (MP3)
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This isn't the score from the rumble, but it really sets the mood for the film. Gangs of New York features such an excellent score.

(Dream Rumble for Nerds)

That's all for me this week. Enjoy, leave some comments, vote in the poll question, and check out some of the cool sites on my Blogroll.

*West Side Story also did not make it into the top 10, 20, or 30 movie brawls.

The Warriors

Amazing original poster artwork by Tyler Stout.

The Warriors. Yes! THE WARRIORS! I was planning on waiting awhile to write about this classic but the people have spoken. The winner of this week’s poll question also happens to be my favorite film of all time and one of the main reasons I started this site.

My introduction to The Warriors came from an unlikely source: MTV Cribs. An early episode featured a rapper that I liked. Recent research as to which rapper it was has come up short. I thought it was P. Diddy but it turns out he was never on Cribs. It wasn't Ice-T, I watched the episode just to make sure. It wasn't Snoop Dogg, although he does say "the awards are nice" which sounded a whole lot like "The Warriors are nice." Nevertheless, when it came time to show off his DVD collection, the unnamed artist held up two boxes. First, the obligatory copy of Scarface. Second, a movie I had never heard of. It was to be The Warriors.

He began to sing the praises of the ultimate gang movie. My ears perked up immediately. It turns out that The Warriors has been referenced in numerous films, rap songs, and music videos. One of these just happened to be Craig Mack’s “Flava in Ya Ear (Remix)” video – a staple song of my childhood. The video opens with Puff Daddy clinking two Coke bottles together while singing “Baaaad Boyyyyyy. Come out and plaaayyy.” That image always stuck with me and it wasn’t until I watched The Warriors did I realize where it first came from. More on the Coke bottles later.

Craig Mack – Flava in Ya Ear (Remix) (feat. Notorious B.I.G.)

Apparently, The Warriors was the film that everyone needed to see. A few weeks later, I rented the DVD and soon after that, I had a new favorite movie. For those of you who haven’t seen this yet, do yourselves the favor and Netflix a copy. If possible, try to get the original cut. In 2004, Paramount released a new DVD labeled “The Ultimate Director’s Cut.” Not much about the movie changed except for the addition of some comic book frames serving as interludes between certain scenes. They really take the viewer out of the film. The original cut looks great, sounds great, and doesn’t feature these annoying comic book frames.

For those of you who haven’t ever heard of The Warriors here’s some background of the film.

The Warriors is loosely based on a novel by Sol Yurick which is loosely based on Xenophon’s The Anabasis. The film was written by David Shraber (Nighthawks) and directed by Walter Hill (Streets of Fire, 48 Hrs.) The result of their hard work was one of the most incredible action films of all-time.

The film begins: EXT. CONEY ISLAND – NIGHT. From the moment the music hits, it’s clear that you're in for a hell of a ride. Right away, we start to meet members of The Warriors as they discuss the big meeting in the Bronx. Originally, Walter Hill wanted to cast and all-black gang, but the studio told him "no." The ethnic make-up of the gang turned out mostly white with a couple black members. But even with the cast being mixed-race the most interesting thing about this is their numbers: nine delegates from the Coney Island street force.

Walter Hill is known for his use of the “collective hero” in which a number of characters are grouped together to act as one. In this case, we’re following “The Warriors,” not Swan, Ajax, Cleon, etc. Even though the group splits up at one point, they’re still all under the collective banner: “Warrior.” However, every group needs a leader, and for most of the film, this is Swan (Michael Beck). Most of the other members get plenty of screen time but as far as the story goes, Swan is elected the official “Warchief.”

One of the most memorable scenes from The Warriors comes at the very beginning. Nine member from various New York gangs are all getting on Subway trains. Here’s where the fun begins; each gang has their own unique characteristics, and believe me, they’re unique. One group appears to be mimes wearing top hats.

Another Chinese gang wears green pointy hats. A quick eye can spot a young Laurence Fishburne (The Matrix) leading a gang suited up in camouflage outfits. Right away, the campiness factor sets in. For those of you who turn away at the sight of camp, this isn't the movie for you. In fact, this isn't the blog for you.

Roger Hill as Cyrus

The film really takes off at the awe-inspiring “Cyrus scene.” All of the gangs show up at the big meeting, Cyrus' meeting. Everyone reading this needs to realize that this film was shot in 1979, way before CGI was commonplace. Take that into consideration when you see the hundreds and hundreds of extras all wearing different gang outfits. The camera moves through them and we catch glimpses of Puerto Rican gangs, skinhead gangs, and once again, the Hi-Hats donning their top hats and white mime makeup. You can watch this scene over and over again, each time you’ll find a new gang wearing some crazy gang colors.

Cyrus is the leader of the biggest gang in NYC, the Grammercy Riffs, a huge group of black bad-asses decked out in karate uniforms. The crowd falls silent once Cyrus begins to speak. The following scene can’t be done justice in text.

If the title of my blog hasn’t spoiled anything by now…well, maybe you haven’t been paying enough attention. Here’s the exciting part! Hundreds of miles from home, the Warriors only have one goal in mind. “We’re gonna have to bop our way back to Coney.” Get home safely. With every gang in the city looking for them, the guys will have to cross turf after turf, territory after territory.

I really enjoy the episodic format that Hill uses. There doesn’t seem to be a moment to rest. Each time it seems that they’re in the clear, here comes something else they’ve got to deal with. From subway fires to violent police officers, Swan, Ajax, Cowboy, Rembrandt, Cochise, The Fox, Snowball, and Vermin, are forced to do what is necessary to make it back to “C.I. - The Big Coney.” Once the group splits up, their obstacles multiply. Without any knowledge of their friends’ wellbeing, each Warrior is forced to look out for number one. I’ve always been a big fan of films that feature ensemble casts. I enjoy having lots of stories to follow all at once. The Warriors is one of these films. Intercutting between four groups of gang members (along with various supportive characters), Hill keeps the pace quick and the stories tight.

The only time the film slows down is when Swan decides to get it on with Mercy, a young Latina woman he met along the way, in a subway tunnel. I don't know where to start with this one.

Similar to low-budget classics such as Night of the Living Dead (1968) and Assault on Precinct 13 (1976), The Warriors' story revolves around one eventual day. The goals are clear: to survive the night. There's something I love about these types of movies. I call them "anti-epics." I love movies with limited time-frame structures. It's like when I first saw John Badham's Nick of Time (1995). That movie was the first time I had ever seen the use of real-time in a narrative film before. This was long before "24" made it popular. A minute in real life equals a minute in the story. There's something ultimately cool about that. The Warriors covers around eight hours in 90 minutes, but that's still pretty exciting.

Wrapping this up, I've got to talk about some of the major gangs. These gangs are as equally cool as our protagonists and some might even argue that they make the film. This is where the film's episodic plot comes into play. Want to know the plot in one sentence? The Warriors fight a gang, then they run, then they fight another gang... and then they run some more. Here are some of the coolest gangs they fight...before running again.

The Baseball Furies

These guys are incredible. They're dressed in NY Yankee(-esqe) uniforms, they don't speak, and they hit people with bats...a lot. Oh yeah, don't forget the KISS make-up. The film's second best fight scene has these guys rumbling against our good guys in the middle of a park.

The Lizzies

Possibly named after Lizzie Bordon or more likely named because it sounds like "The Lezzies," this all-girl gang uses their ...um... sexuality to lure in the Warriors. Their plan might have been better if one of these girls had learned how to either fight or shoot a gun. Entertaining nonetheless.

The Orphans

They write about their raids in the paper. They have the proof on-hand at all time. With a leader who looks like David Schwimmer on crack and a surprisingly cool looking Number Two (the guy to the left with an afro), the Orphans aren't even on the other gangs' radar but they rumble anyway. When the Number Two holds up the cut out newspaper article, I fall on the floor laughing everytime.

There's so much more I could write about my favorite movie. I could mention the rumors of a Tony Scott remake or go on and on about the video game, not to mention the action figures.

But I'll stop here. I just hope you guys go see this one and if you'd leave me comments I'd love you forever. Before I go, I just wanted to thank my good friend Laura for making my new logo! It's crazy good. Thanks so much, Laura! One last thing, last week, I received a few comments which were great! Thanks so much, Matt and Don. Don also mentioned that he thought the MP3s were cool so I decided to keep it going. Here's another present for my readers. The theme song is AMAZING! You must listen to this. If nothing I've written make you want to see this movie, the theme song will. I promise.

Barry De Vorzon – The Warriors Theme Song
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Joe Walsh – In the City
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I also wanted to thank The Warriors Web Site for being the most amazing Warriors website in existence. Most of the pictures on this post are from there and they're just the best. Go check them out.

Oh yeah, I also realized that I promised to talk about the Coke bottles some more. But you're just gonna have to go rent the movie if you want to see what that's all about.

In short, comments are great, but at least vote in the poll question. Thanks to all you Boppers out there.