Horror Movie A Day's 1st Annual End Of Year Awards!

With all the double (or triple, and in one case quintuple) feature days, despite starting in February, it’s safe to assume I have seen about 365 horror movies this year. Obviously only about ¼ of those were “new” movies, since many (too many, if you ask me) were obscure titles from my budget sets. But due to the sheer amount of films to choose from, and the fact that I already compiled a “standard” Best/Worst of 2007 list for Bloody Disgusting (which you can read here, and check out the comments, where I am hilariously accused of not watching enough movies!!!), I thought I’d do something different here. I toyed with the idea of doing a top 100 list (not a typo) but I thought that would be both frustrating and insane. So I’ll just make up a bunch of oddball categories at random (plus some typical ones, for good measure) and present that for you to enjoy/argue with. Enjoy!

BEST REMAKE: THE HITCHER
I love this stupid movie so much. I like it more every time I see it in fact. The odd convenience store clerk, the endless All-American Rejects loop at the beginning, my beloved Sophia Bush jumping unscathed out of a truck that just blew up, “I’m fucking horny too!”, the use of David Soul on the soundtrack, Neil McDonough barely keeping a straight face through his dialogue, and of course, the Nine Inch Nails music video that comes out of nowhere... it’s hands down the most ridiculous and hilarious horror movie of the year, possibly of all time. I could care less about how it stacks up to the original, it’s a masterpiece in its own idiotic way.

WORST REMAKE: HALLOWEEN
I’m sick of writing about it.

BEST BUDGET PACK FIND: CATHY’S CURSE
This gem of inept filmmaking (WHO THE FUCK IS THAT GUY LEAVING THE HOUSE?), mean-spirited little girls, off-kilter dialogue laced with outlandish profanity, and the least subtle foreshadowing of all time deserves to be seen by every man, woman, child, and ghost. Along with Scream Bloody Murder (a close 2nd for this category), the Chilling Classics set’s cost was instantly validated.

WORST BUDGET PACK FIND: SLASHED DREAMS
The fact that it wasn’t even a horror film didn’t bother me. The fact that not a single goddamn thing happened in the entire film, and that it ended without a single plot thread resolved, and that they tried to sell it on Robert Englund’s name despite the fact that he’s only in the film for 5 minutes (if that) and doesn’t even play a bad guy DID. Some entertainment may be had from the goofy hippie music, but not enough to warrant a view.

(note – since I haven’t gone through Decrepit Crypt or Horror Classics in their entirety, I did not include any of their films for consideration)

BEST REASON FOR DOING THIS: ROSEMARY’S BABY
Not that it’s one of my all time favorites or anything, but the fact that I was forcing myself to watch an unseen horror movie every day got me around to finally seeing this much heralded landmark horror film, which I had owned on DVD for years and STILL didn’t bother watching until now.

WORST REASON FOR DOING THIS: DARK RIDE
My decision to also watch a movie I HAD seen every day in October, one that I often mentioned but never actually reviewed, resulted in having to sit through this goddamn piece of shit again. I fucking hate you, Dark Ride, and I always will. Go the fuck to hell.

BEST MOVIE IN WHICH THE SCREENWRITER PLAYED A MENTALLY CHALLENGED MAN: DEVIL TIMES FIVE
This movie was glorious anyway, but the fact that the screenwriter cast himself as a guy who was a few bricks short of a building was some sort of meta-icing on the cake. Plus he got seduced by a hot brunette woman, an odd recurring theme in some of the other films I watched.

WORST MOVIE IN WHICH THE SCREENWRITER PLAYED A MENTALLY CHALLENGED MAN: THE ATTIC
Writer Tom Malloy played “Frankie” in this turd, a guy of unknown mental deficiency (he seemingly just watched Sean Penn in the trailer for I Am Sam and went from there). He offsets playing this thankless role by also giving himself the film’s only on-screen action, a fairly nice throat slashing. Of course, since he’s the only character in the film you even KIND OF like, this doesn’t bode well for the rest of the running time.

BEST USE OF PROFANITY: CATHY’S CURSE
(In response to a medium, i.e. a psychic, coming to the home to rid the girl of her curse)
“Medium? More like EXTRA RARE PIECE OF SHIT!”

WORST USE OF PROFANITY: SASQUATCH HUNTERS
No specific line. Because it’s almost surreal how just about every single person in this movie manages to sound so unconvincing when using profanity. Not a single time (and there are many) that they drop the F-word does it sound like anything that the actor would actually say. Plus the movie sucked to boot.

BEST MOVIE FEATURING A FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS CAST MEMBER: THE RETURN
Hell, this doesn’t even really count, since The Return was an October Extra, but since the rest of the cast made some of the worst movies I’ve seen this year, it was all I had.

WORST MOVIE FEATURING A FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS CAST MEMBER: THE PUMPKIN KARVER
Technically, Rise: Blood Hunter, with a small performance by QB1 himself, Matt Saracen ne Zach Gilford, was worse. But The Pumpkin Karver got the edge because I rented it SPECIFICALLY for Minka Kelly, and she didn’t even look good in it thanks to a terrible blond dye job. Incidentally, both her and FNL star Kyle Chandler popped up in The Kingdom, which was the year’s best non-horror movie, IMO.

BEST REVIVAL SCREENING: POLTERGEIST
Ah, to finally see this masterpiece on the big screen. Bliss. The fact that it was coupled with a Q&A and a big, fully appreciative crowd made it even better. Plus, the botched attempt to do one on a wide scale in the early fall was met with such universal disdain, I am glad I opted for the ‘real’ one earlier in the year instead.

WORST REVIVAL SCREENING: TREMORS
A bad print, with bad sound, and a nearly empty theater. This should have been the most fun, but it was actually kind of depressing.

MOVIE I AM GLAD I RE-WATCHED: GREMLINS
It’s a lot funnier than I remember, thanks to the in-jokes I am now privy to. Plus it had been too long. This will hopefully become part of my annual holiday viewing once again. Runner Up: Dr. Giggles, a movie I DIDN'T like that much as a kid but now I love.

MOVIE I AM SAD I RE-WATCHED: CRITTERS
I remember this being on par with Gremlins. But I was damned wrong. A waste of a large supporting cast and the fact that most of the film is essentially inert were things my memories didn’t recall. Oh well.

STRANGEST SUGGESTION FOR A BAD FILM: VAMPIRE ASSASSIN
My friend Devin, who writes for CHUD, recommended this film to me after the guy who wrote/directed/starred in it turned out to be the same guy who moved his furniture. Amazing. Terrible film, but amazing story.

STRANGEST SUGGESTION FOR A GOOD FILM: BIG BAD WOLF
Someone said “hey watch this movie, it’s fucking terrible.” Not only is that a terrible sales pitch, but the movie was kind of awesome. Combining a werewolf movie with the plot of The Stepfather is pretty intriguing, and, lest you forget, the film has a scene in which the hero’s girlfriend has to blow his stepdad.

SADDEST REALIZATION I WATCH TOO MANY MOVIES: THE COVENANT: BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL
A car pulls up, and the camera shows the feet of someone getting out. “That’s Michael Madsen” I said to myself, and I was right. I recognized his fully covered feet, somehow. Christ.

HAPPIEST REALIZATION I WATCH TOO MANY MOVIES: THE HOWLING
Had I not FINALLY seen Rosemary’s Baby two weeks prior, I wouldn’t have fully appreciated the Roger Corman cameo in The Howling, which was a loving homage to Bill Castle’s cameo in Rosemary. This is why you need to watch movies in order!

BEST EXCUSE FOR ME TO WATCH MORE J-HORROR: BLOODY REUNION
This was basically an American style slasher movie, with an ending that is essentially the same as High Tension’s (only it didn’t infuriate me), all with a decidedly Eastern flavor. Good stuff.

BEST EXCUSE FOR ME TO WATCH LESS J-HORROR: TELL ME SOMETHING
The boringest serial killer movie ever made. And it was endless. For a while I considered the notion that the film might have to count for two entries, since it seemed like it would take two days for it to finally end.

BEST MOVIE I CAN’T REMEMBER ASKING FOR: RAW MEAT
This arrived from Netflix (or Blockbuster) one day, and I wasn’t even sure if it was something I asked for in the first place. I didn’t even know if it was horror! But it was, with lots of British humor. I even went out and bought it after I returned it to Netflix; I hope the next guy to rent it follows suit.

WORST MOVIE I CAN’T REMEMBER ASKING FOR: DOOMED
This one was recorded on my DVR one day. I can only assume it was in error, or a drunken stupor. Because even the description of the goddamn thing made it sound unwatchable. At least I can pretty much safely say I have seen the lowest point in the entire zombie movie canon.

BEST “I MADE IT!” MOMENT: BLOGS OF NOTE
Sometime in August, Blogger put Horror Movie A Day on their “blogs of note” list, which is how like 90% of you guys found this goofy page in the first place. Wooo! Runner up: Rue Morgue mention.

WORST “I MADE IT!” MOMENT: SOMEONE’S PARTY
I was at a party and my friend introduced me to the guy who produced Sasquatch Hunters, a film I had torn apart a few weeks prior. I felt like a jerk because my friend was under the assumption that I had liked the film, and I had to explain that no, I did not. Luckily the guy didn’t think much of it either.

USER POLL WINNERS:

BEST WIDE RELEASE: GRINDHOUSE
WORST WIDE RELEASE: CAPTIVITY
BEST DTV/LIMITED RELEASE: WRONG TURN 2
WORST DTV/LIMITED RELEASE: RISE: BLOOD HUNTER

And there you have it, the first annual Horror Movie A Day Awards! Next year's categories will probably be different, at least, for the cast of Friday Night Lights' sake anyway, I hope so (though I just discovered that Scott "Street" Porter is in the PG-13 Prom Night remake, so maybe this category will come back after all!). Onward with 2008!

PLEASE, GO ON...

HMAD's 6th Annual End Of Year Awards!!

JANUARY 26, 2013

GENRE: AWARDS!
SOURCE: ME!

Remember when I used to get these things up in the first week of January? This one's even later than last year's, which began with an apology for being so late. Well, again, sorry. If it makes you feel better, next year's won't be late... because it won't exist!

Yep, this is the LAST end of the year awards for HMAD, as I'll be wrapping up before the year is even half over. I know, it's a bummer, but I'll still be reviewing movies and delivering a normal top 10 list, so it's all good. Don't forget, a full HALF of the movies on the following list are terrible, so take comfort that, for my sake, I won't be watching as many bad movies anymore. And tweeting far less too! You can turn me off mute!

Well let's not delay any more - on to the awards! As always, this is based on the 365+ movies watched in the calendar year, NOT based on movies released in 2012. For my top 10 picks on that front, head over to Badass Digest - this is HMAD-centric and thus the movies might have been released in 1929, if released yet at all. Enjoy!

Best Movie You All Saw: SINISTER
Considering its low budget and that it starred Ethan Hawke (whose only two big box office hits really starred Robin Williams and Denzel Washington), I wasn't expecting Sinister to make much of a splash, despite being quite good (#3 on my traditional best of list). But I was happy to be wrong; the film nearly outgrossed its biggest competition in October (the terrible Paranormal Activity 4), and is now Hawke's biggest hit as the sole lead. Good job, folks!

Worst Movie You Didn't See: PLAYBACK
There are actually a few movies that I saw theatrically that were actually worse, but none of them reported their box office so I don't know what their final take was (in Don't Go In The Woods' case, that might just be my 10 bucks). However, Playback's pitiful 264 dollar take was reported as the lowest of the year, and I can vouch that if anything, it should have been lower. Trust me, even with Christian Slater's brief role as the town pervert (!), it's not worth the ironic rental.

Bad Title, Good Movie: CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER
With that title, I was expecting a spoof, or at least something kind of comedic, but not only was it played straight, it's actually one of Hammer's best vampire films, combining action/adventure with an engaging mystery and a terrific sidekick in Grost. Add in the usual "Hammer Glamour" and you get a movie that is far from a sidenote in the studio's impressive library.

Good Title, Bad Movie: THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON
Listen, if you're going to invoke Pink Floyd's classic album (though not my favorite of theirs, for the record), at least make a decent movie, instead of a mess that can't decide if it wants to rip off Alien or The Thing, and tosses in the Bermuda Triangle for good measure. This should be called, I dunno, The Division Bell or something.

Best Movie You Thought Was Found Footage: LOVELY MOLLY
It's from the director of Blair Witch Project and features POV from a video camera (used a lot on its marketing), but most of the movie is traditionally shot, and pretty damn good as well. It's a Repulsion-esque tale of a woman slowly going mad, and our job is to figure out if it's all in her head or if there are supernatural elements at play. As with Blair, the website fills in more of the backstory, but the real draw is Gretchen Lodge's incredible turn in her first film (!).

Worst Movie You Thought Was Found Footage: CHERNOBYL DIARIES
Paranormal's Oren Peli produced and the trailers featured lots and lots of floaty, jerky camerawork that easily could have been mistaken for someone's POV, but Chernobyl Diaries was indeed a standard feature film. However, it was WRITTEN like a found footage movie, in that nothing happens for an hour and then they rush through the rest, and focus mainly on characters that are fairly annoying and dumb (that proposal subplot, EGADS!). Waste of a good bear scare.

Best Movie I Saw On Vacation: THE BABY
Even a broken up viewing on a tiny portable player wasn't enough to kill the power of this masterpiece of batshit cinema; when HMAD is over this will be one of the movies I definitely revisit and watch just for the sake of watching a unique and totally bonkers horror movie again. And all in one sitting!

Worst Movie I Saw On Vacation: SQUEAL
One thing I hate about being tied to the "rules" of the site is that when I travel I have to take time away from friends or family that I don't get to see too often. When it's a good movie like The Baby, it at least softens the blow, but when it's as terrible and hateful as Squeal, it makes me wish I could just lie and say I watched something. Here I am in New York, celebrating the wedding of one of my favorite people in the world, and instead of hanging out with the other folks that have gathered (some of whom I haven't seen since moving to LA 7 years ago), I'm watching a movie about cannibal pig-men terrorizing a group of assholes. No more!

"It's Better Than Shark Night!": BAIT 3D
Another 3D shark film, but with the good sense to be R rated, Anchor Bay sadly didn't have much faith in this one (possibly BECAUSE of the failure of Shark Night). While they have put films out on as many as 80 screens in the past, Bait apparently only got a single one, the weekend before it hit Blu-ray. A shame - it was a lot of fun and had some great use of the 3D format.

"It's Worse Than Shark Night!": SHARK WEEK
Syfy seemed to be directly copying Shark Night with this one, as it had the same Saw-esque approach to a killer shark movie (and lest we forget, Shark Night's villains' main goal was to sell their footage to Discovery for Shark Week itself). Unfortunately it's nowhere near as entertaining, with a too-low body count (most of which is racked up only in its final 10 minutes) and a complete lack of Katharine McPhee, aka the reason I enjoyed Shark Night as much as I did.

Best use of John Cusack: THE FACTORY
Aw, poor The Factory. It's not a terrible movie, just a sadly outdated one... and that's something I would have said had it been released in 2008 when it was shot. Who knows when it will come out in the US (it's been released in a few overseas markets), but when it does you can at least enjoy Cusack in solemn/"driven to the extreme!" mode, feeling a bit bad for him as he tries his best to elevate a pretty generic kidnapping thriller.

Worst use of John Cusack: THE RAVEN
I assume that if a lesser actor had the lead in The Raven, it would not have been treated to a wide release (though I'm sure the success of the similar Sherlock Holmes movies played a part). The terrible mystery, lackluster action/horror, and horrible performance by Alice Eve should have sent this thing directly to cable, but Cusack, aping both Nicolas Cage and Robert Downey Jr depending on his mood, used up some of his ever shrinking box office appeal on this disaster. What a waste.

Best Homage To Guy Ritchie: COCKNEYS VS ZOMBIES
I'm still bummed that I watched this one on a screener instead of at Fantastic Fest with a big crowd of (presumably) delighted moviegoers, but at least I know it's just as fun on a tiny portable DVD player. A terrific cast and lots of laid back charm, plus an endearing motivation for the "criminal" lead characters were more than enough to make up for the increasingly overused idea of "Let's make Lock Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels but with zombies (or werewolves, or vampires)!" Also, any movie with Honor Blackman mowing down the undead is automatically worth a look.

Worst Homage To Guy Ritchie: GANGSTERS, GUNS, AND ZOMBIES
Basically the same damn movie (robbers, England, zombies), but without the charm, entertaining action, or style. This one is available now, but I implore you - wait for Cockneys to hit our stores.

Best Memento Of The 90s: TALE OF THE MUMMY
1998's Tale of the Mummy actually came before Dracula 2000, but has similar DNA - a cast of up and comers mixed with veterans, a fast moving plot that takes the time for some quickie romance, and lots of CGI. But it's actually pretty fun, and was a nice reminder of how enjoyable movies were before irony and pretension took over for good.

Worst Memento Of The 90s: BORDELLO OF BLOOD
Unfortunately, this is what a lot of 1990s horror was like: blandly shot, indifferently written, and loaded with people that don't deserve to be background extras, let alone carrying films. Dennis Miller's wannabe Fletch is possibly the most grating "hero" ever seen in a horror film, and I'm pretty sure this was the film that turned Corey Feldman from a mildly talented actor into a self-parodying goon. 16 year old me was wise enough to skip it; I guess it proves that HMADing has only made me dumber.

Best Movie Known By An Acronym: JDATE (John Dies At The End)
As I write this, Don Coscarelli's awesomely weird/splatter-y JDATE is hitting theaters, and I've already bought a ticket to see it a 2nd time - the number of movies I see twice in theaters anymore is a very low one, so consider this the highest endorsement I can give a film.

Worst Movie Known By An Acronym: HATES (House At The End Of The Street)
It should actually be HATEOTS, but the publicists and studio were going with #HATES on Twitter and such, thus going out of their way to set themselves up for easy jokes. Possibly interesting at one point (there are several writers listed), the finished product is a bland Psycho wannabe without a shred of suspense or a single actual surprise in the plot. And I love Elisabeth Shue, but working in a line about how she had her daughter (Jennifer Lawrence) when she was in her teens just to make her seem younger left a bad taste in my mouth. In reality she's 27 years older than Lawrence, still looks fantastic, and deserves better material than this.

Thanks, Twilight!: MIDNIGHT SON
Pretty much anything involving love and a vampire will find it easier to get made nowadays, because it will be pretty easy for a distributor to put together some Twi-art and get it sold in foreign territories. But that doesn't mean the movies will all be just as bland/bad, and indeed Midnight Son is one of the best vamp films I've seen in ages. Drawing more from films like Habit and Martin than Edward Cullen, it's an engaging, sad tale that is definitely worth seeking out.

Fuck you, Twilight!: I KISSED A VAMPIRE
Fuck Glee, too, as this is basically a combination of both. Two vamps (one bad, one good) fight over a girl, and sing very bad songs nonstop as they carry out this "battle". Without a single catchy song and a turn by the ever-awful Chris Coppola, the only thing this movie is good for is proving to Twilight critics that things could always be far, far worse.

Best Private Screening: RAAZ 3D (in 2D)
I actually got to the theater a bit early for Raaz 3D, because the theater was the go-to place for "Bollywood" releases and thus I figured there would be a pretty big crowd - why else would the theater consistently set aside a screen for such fare? But no, not only was it not crowded, I had the entire place to myself, without a single other patron to share the entertainment at this imperfect but enjoyable riff on The Grudge-style horror.

Worst Private Screening: DON'T GO IN THE WOODS
You'd think a film directed by an acclaimed actor that was only showing once a day at a theater in Beverly Hills would attract more than a few folks on its opening night, but nope. Everyone else in the world proved to be smarter than me, skipping this atrocious "slasher musical" and thus permitting me to wonder aloud why the hell I do this to myself.

Best Cinefamily Reaction To Incest: NIGHT WARNING
When the deranged, murderous mom forces her tongue down her teenaged son's throat (as she's dying!), the crowd let out a collective "Ewwww" with a touch of laughter, perfectly appropriate for a gonzo bit in a very nutty movie.

Worst Cinefamily Reaction To Incest: THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA
A few nights later, at least two people laughed at the scene where a young girl was molested by her father. Yeah, not so appropriate.

Best Movie To Watch Instead Of Eli Roth's Thanksgiving: BLOOD RAGE
My buddy Jackson has been telling me to watch Blood Rage for years, and upon learning that it was a Thanksgiving slasher, I finally agreed - and fell in love. I thought he was just trying to force some sort of "so bad it's good" type stuff on me, but this was a legitimately solid old-school slasher with some truly demented stuff going on, and the biggest bummer ending ever. If Eli ever gets off his ass and makes his film, the bar has been set pretty high.

Worst Movie To Watch Instead Of Eli Roth's Thanksgiving: THANKSKILLING 3
It's got impressive puppet work and an admirably go-for-broke plot that delivers plenty of insanity, but Turkie is sidelined in favor of the other new characters, and it barely even counts as horror anymore - more of a sci-fi comedy with a couple of brief kill scenes. I loved the first one, and had some fun with this, but I walked away disappointed that I wouldn't be adding it to the annual tradition movie list.

And that's it! Thanks for reading, folks! I hope these upcoming last few months are enjoyable for you all, and don't forget: HMAD may be ending, but I ain't going anywhere!

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PLEASE, GO ON...

HMAD's 5th Annual End Of Year Awards!!

JANUARY 24, 2012

GENRE: AWARDS!
SOURCE: ME!

I know, I’m super late with these. I’ve had some real life annoyances to deal with, plus some side jobs (I even got paid for one!), so it’s the sort of “extra” thing that kept getting pushed off and almost forgotten. So I apologize, but believe me – it’ll be worth the wait!

You’ve had enough ado, so I won’t further it: let’s celebrate the Best and Worst of 2011!!

(note – as always, these movies reflect the 365+ films watched/ reviewed for HMAD in the calendar year, NOT when they came out. If you want a more traditional list, head over to Bloody Disgusting.)

BEST MOVIE ABOUT THE PLAGUE: BLACK DEATH
One of the year’s best films, Christopher Smith’s (Severance, Triangle) men on a mission tale about a group of badasses (led by Sean Bean) seeking out a supposed “plague-free” zone was unfortunately given one of Magnolia’s weird “let’s put it On Demand before dumping it in 6 theaters” releases – it’s a gorgeous film that deserved to be seen on the big screen. But on the other hand, I’m happy someone picked it up at all; there’s not much overt horror, and anything that plays on religious fears can cause some trouble. It also has one of the darkest endings to a film in recent memory. Smith continues to impress – let’s get him a mid-level studio feature!

WORST MOVIE ABOUT THE PLAGUE: SEASON OF THE WITCH
There’s a lot of reasons to dislike Season of the Witch – it’s not particularly good, it confines all of its supernatural elements to the final half hour, and Cage is playing it straight for once, instead of “Caging out” and turning this into Medieval Wicker Man. But the worse was that it came out a few weeks before the infinitely more enjoyable Drive Angry, killing what little interest anyone had in Cage at that point. So this thing made nearly 30 million (still not impressive), while Drive Angry didn’t even hit 10. His next film actually more or less went straight to video, for the record. Let’s hope Ghost Rider 2 rejuvenates the public’s interest in one of our most entertainingly ridiculous actors.

BEST USE OF DANIELLE HARRIS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: STAKE LAND
Despite being the biggest genre name in the cast, Ms. Harris doesn’t show up until around the halfway point of Stake Land, and then barely speaks for another 20 minutes. But she’s quite good in the film, well outside of her comfort zone in that she plays an expectant mother AND sings on-screen (something she is terrified of). Also, her genre history pays off in the film’s third act, which goes against what you might expect from the character AND the actress.

WORST USE OF HARRIS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: CHROMESKULL
Can anyone explain what exactly Harris’ character is doing in the middle of a Laid To Rest sequel? She pops up as some sort of higher-up at Chromeskull’s company (you heard me), and is seemingly using ol’ Jesse to jockey for a promotion. Yes, because when you watch a Chromeskull movie, you want to see corporate intrigue. I assume they have more plans for her in future installments, but her scenes here just add to the sequel’s biggest problem – it’s called CHROMESKULL and yet the guy is kept on the sidelines for far too much of the runtime.

MOST IMPROVED SEQUEL: WRONG TURN 4: BLOODY BEGINNINGS
I LOATHED the 3rd Wrong Turn film, and so when I heard the same director (Declan O’Brien) was not only returning to direct but also write it himself, AND that it would be a prequel set in the snow, I figured this was the actual recipe for the worst horror movie of all time. But I guess all those negatives equaled a positive; while still far from the heights of Wrong Turn 2, this one delivered a lot of great (and mostly practical!) kills, a fast pace, and the most wonderfully silly climax in recent memory. Not a good movie by any means, but it hits the sweet spot for this sort of thing.

LEAST IMPROVED SEQUEL: SOMEBODY HELP ME 2
The original Somebody Help Me was the first movie I was given specifically for review on Horror Movie A Day, but I didn’t think too much of it, which is probably why they didn’t send me the sequel. But they made the right call; this is infinitely worse than its predecessor, with repetitious, kill-free plotting, obnoxious direction, and a killer who wears a mask in some scenes even though we know who it is (same guy as the original). Please don’t let there be a third, as threatened.

BEST MOVIE ABOUT JEFFREY DAHMER: DAHMER
Go-to franchise rejuvenator Jeremy Renner got an early break in this independent serial killer biopic (from the same company that gave us Gacy and all those others), and he’s pretty damn great in it. The movie doesn’t provide much context – it’s best viewed by those who are already familiar with the case – but the above average attention to detail and Renner’s performance make up for its low points.

WORST MOVIE ABOUT JEFFREY DAHMER: THE SECRET LIFE
Shot only a year after Dahmer’s arrest, this is like the complete opposite of Renner’s film – they provide a Cliff’s Notes account of the case sans any sort of insight, and tell the story via the lousiest collection of actors ever assembled for one of these things. Add in the constant, obnoxious voiceover and complete lack of detail (so many palm trees in Milwaukee!) and you have a movie that manages to be even crasser than the subject matter demanded.

BEST ASYLUM MOCKBUSTER: WHEN A KILLER CALLS
Not only is this infinitely better than the 2006 remake of When A Stranger Calls, I think it’s actually a bit better than the 1979 original as well (based on memory - haven't seen it since I was like 14, but I didn't like it). Like the remake, it keeps everything based around the first 20 minutes of the original, except here the body count is higher (nothing happened in the remake) and it’s surprisingly grim – not one but two kids are offed by our killer. And it even has a theme song, so I’m automatically in its corner.

WORST ASYLUM MOCKBUSTER: HILLSIDE CANNIBALS
I’m not as crazy about the 2006 Hills Have Eyes remake as many of my peers (it’s good, but the things they changed were for the worse, so just stick w/the original IMO), but it’s the friggin Exorcist compared to this thing, which doesn’t even come close to the very low standards of “OK for Asylum”. A straight up ripoff of the other movie would have been better than this, which kills everyone off in the first 10 minutes and then proceeds to tread water for the next 70. Ugly and boring, it’s the sort of movie everyone probably thinks ALL Asylum movies are like, when in reality it’s only like, half of them.

BEST MOVIE WITH A BAD TITLE: MANSQUITO
The title Mansquito sounds like something that would be made up for a comedic film making fun of 50s horror movies, but it’s a real movie from 2004 – and a pretty fun one at that! Taking cues from The Fly, we follow a slowly turning female victim, giving us the human drama that a good horror movie needs and often ignores. But, there’s also a fully formed Mansquito that goes around killing folks, so we still get a lot of monster action – it’s the best of both worlds! And then of course they fight at the end, which is always awesome. A shame more Syfy movies don’t follow this one’s lead.

WORST MOVIE WITH A GOOD TITLE: SHORT NIGHT OF GLASS DOLLS
Now, this isn’t a BAD movie, but that title is so damn creepy and weird; at the time I referred to it as “The Giallo-est title ever”. But they use it on a rather slow-paced, barely horror movie about a guy investigating his girlfriend’s disappearance. There isn’t even a killer per se, a couple of folks die but by different hands, and until the 3rd act it’s just pretty damn boring, honestly. And the title has almost nothing to do with the plot, making its misuse even more annoying.

BEST BATSHIT MOTIVE: CONTAMINATION .7
We’ve heard of nature strikes back movies like Long Weekend or Frogs, but this one goes the extra mile, with killer trees specifically going after loggers and such, seeking revenge against them for harming their habitat. By the time a cut down Christmas tree goes after someone in their own home, you can be assured that you are watching a truly inspired film.

WORST BATSHIT MOTIVE: BEAR
Since they used a real bear and no CGI, Bear could have been a decent survival thriller about folks fending off an angry bear if not for its jaw-droppingly awful script, topped off with a “twist” at the end in which we discover that the bear actually wants these people to atone for their sins (embezzling, infidelity, etc). And it’s played straight, as if anyone in the audience might go “Ohhhh… yeah, I GET it, man.” It’s almost worth watching just to see how straight they play this inanity, but the hateful, idiotic characters and repetitive, poorly edited action make that a hard sell.

BEST MOVIE ABOUT A RAPIST LANDLORD: SLEEP TIGHT
I couldn’t make any of the screenings of Sleep Tight (Spanish: Mientras Duermes) at Fantastic Fest, and had to opt for a screener viewing on my computer instead of one of the greatest movie theaters in the world, but in a way that helps clarify just how well this creepy thriller works. An ugly transfer on a relatively tiny screen couldn’t diminish the impact of Jaume Balagueró’s best solo effort yet, and I can’t wait to see it again – hopefully with a crowd, so I can amuse myself by watching them squirm as the plot unfolds.

WORST MOVIE ABOUT A RAPIST LANDLORD: THE RESIDENT
Even in the glory years of Hammer they produced some clunkers, but nothing was ever as bad as The Resident, a woefully stupid account of Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s disturbed landlord going to extreme measures to bang Hilary Swank, even though she seems into him. Featuring cinema’s all time most idiotic “let’s show you stuff from earlier in the movie now that it has a different context” montage, nonsensical character actions, and the total waste of Christopher Lee (he was treated better in the theatrical cut of Return of the King), this is NOT the sort of thing Hammer should be putting their name on as they try to get back into the horror game after a lengthy absence.

MOST TERRIFYING USE OF SPORTING EQUIPMENT: FINAL DESTINATION 5
Even detractors of the series often admit that the kills in the Final Destination movies are creative and enjoyably insane, and given that this is the FIFTH in the series, it’s sort of impressive that they can still come up with new ones. Even more impressive that it would have one of the series’ best – a typically Rube Goldberg-ian sequence centered around a gymnasts’ balancing beam that produces the most mangled corpse ever. There should be a Sniglet for my resulting mix of a laugh and a horrified groan.

LEAST TERRIFIYING USE OF SPORTING EQUIPMENT: STORMHOUSE
The climax of this already obnoxiously bad movie came down to a haunted fucking basketball bouncing around HARD in an attempt to make it scarier. Note – this was not played for laughs.

BEST NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD MOVIE: NOTLD 1990
Back in February I inexplicably decided to watch nothing but Night of the Living Dead related movies for the week (except for Rubber, which was a press screening that they refused to change for my sake), and most of them weren’t worth the effort. But Tom Savini’s remake (which I had seen as a kid) holds up fairly well – it’s not as tense or scary as the original, but it gets more right than wrong. And crucify me all you want – I prefer his ending to Romero’s (which is also his - George wrote the remake’s script, not Savini). And any movie that features an immolated Bill Butler can’t be too bad.

WORST NOTLD MOVIE: NOTLD 30th ANNIVERSARY
I bought this thing back when it came out in 1998, only to hear how bad it was before I ever got a chance to watch it. Thus, I vowed to hang onto it and thus keep anyone else from being exposed to it (the DVD is a limited release). However when I got this “Week of NOTLD” idea I realized the time had come to see for myself if it was really as bad as I heard. So I was surprised to see they were wrong – it was FAR WORSE than anyone had ever led me to believe. I’d comfortably call it one of the five worst movies ever made, in fact; the insanely misguided decisions that John Russo and the others (not Romero) made go beyond awful, where it’s not even funny to watch in the “Plan 9” way. When Russo croaks I hope they bury every copy of this piece of shit with him.

BEST ATTEMPT AT MAKING A JOHN CARPENTER MOVIE: ATTACK THE BLOCK
Joe Cornish’s debut succeeds in pretty much every area one could want from a film: it’s funny, it’s scary, it’s got terrific, crowd-pleasing action, and it moves like gangbusters – if there’s a dull moment in the film no one can remember it. And it’s knowingly inspired by no less a great than John Carpenter; the opening shot of the alien ship is a direct homage to The Thing, and the confined setting is right out of several of JC’s flicks. Plus, the protagonists are enemies on opposite sides of the law who are forced to team up to defeat their common enemy; which is straight up Assault On Precinct 13 (or, fine, Ghosts of Mars). One of my favorite movie-going experiences of the year – and the only film I paid to see a 2nd time.

WORST ATTEMPT AT MAKING A CARPENTER MOVIE: THE THING
For years fans have been scoffing – yet mildly intrigued – by the idea of a Thing prequel, showing what happened to the Norwegians even though we know that they’re all dead. However, constant attempts to make their film fit into Carpenter’s story (“SEE how the axe got into the door! LEARN the name of the guy who slit his wrist and froze!”) just make all of their missteps all the more obvious. The bad CGI is the most offensive, but I was more troubled by the lack of a single interesting or fun character. I’d pay handsomely for a Childs or Blair action figure; I couldn’t even tell you the names of any of the characters here. They should have just abandoned the prequel idea and made it a remake (which they sort of did, actually) – at least then we wouldn’t have to accept this Thing as part of the canon.

BEST INCOHERENT MOVIE FROM 1989: THINGS
Every even numbered minute of this movie will make you laugh or smile, every odd numbered one will make you shout “WHAT?”. Spider sandwiches, bizarre dubbing, a newscaster who seems to be reporting on plot developments that haven’t occurred yet… it’s just pure, insane bliss.

WORST INCOHERENT MOVIE FROM 1989: THE BLACK CAT
Most Italian horror movies don’t make a lot of sense, but even by their standards The Black Cat is a total mess. “Luckily” if you can’t follow a particular plot thread, it will probably get dropped and never mentioned again, since that’s what happens to most of them – it starts off as one of those “movies about movies” but ends with some sort of wizard battle involving planets. And I know that sounds kind of awesome, but it’s actually crushingly dull and shockingly low on gore/kills, which is probably why it remains relatively obscure despite some weird attempts to fit it into Argento’s Three Mothers series. P.S. not to be confused with Fulci’s 1981 Black Cat!

BEST MOVIE ABOUT SOLDIERS GOING NUTS: DEATHWATCH
I’ve heard about Deathwatch here and there over the years, and it’s been recommended by more than one reader – not sure what took me so long to get around to it. But it was worth the wait, upsetting and scary, with terrific performances by a mostly unknown (for 2002) cast, it’s the sort of movie that keeps me doing HMAD. Without the need to watch something every day, gems like this would continue to pass me by.

WORST MOVIE ABOUT SOLDIERS GOING NUTS: THE SQUAD
Hearing so many great things about Fantastic Fest over the years, I was under the assumption that no bad/generic movies squeaked through, but The Squad was obnoxiously starved for creativity, not to mention even basic scares or suspense. The only time I actually dozed off the entire time I was at the festival (regular readers should understand how much that means under normal circumstances – I was barely sleeping there!), and it wasn’t worth fighting to stay awake for the rest.

BEST HORROR MOVIE A DAY NEWS: MIDNIGHT SCREENINGS
For a while it looked like the Horror Movie A Day screening series at the New Beverly would come to an end due to some personnel issues at the theater, but as of April they have been resumed and even more frequent! And we’ve shown lots of great stuff, including Psycho II (with Dean Cundey in the house for Q&A!), From Dusk Till Dawn, Drag Me To Hell, and a sparsely attended but still glorious showing of The Descent, which is my favorite horror film of the decade. To everyone that has come to one or all of them – you are forever in my cool book. See you in 2012!

WORST HORROR MOVIE A DAY NEWS: NO MORE “EXTRAS”
Due to some staff cutbacks at my real job, I had to take on more work responsibilities. As a result, a lot of the extra stuff I liked to do – commentaries, “October Extras”, non-canon reviews, etc – had to be greatly reduced or eliminated entirely. I also wrote fewer full reviews for festivals I attended - there just wasn’t time for them anymore alongside everything else, because the time I used to spend doing extra stuff at work was now spent doing work (assholes!). It’s a bummer; I enjoyed giving you guys a little more than just the daily review (within reason; I never want to post “news” or interviews here), but alas, I just can’t do it anymore. I mean, look how long it took to get this up!

Of course, next month marks the amazing FIVE YEAR anniversary of Horror Movie A Day, and thus along with it the five year anniversary of daily horror watching (February 16th, 2007 remains the only missed day), so that’s pretty awesome. We’ll also hit some milestones within the genres (200th monster movie! 100th Italian horror movie!) and hopefully provide the same amount (if not more) of festival coverage – as always, money dictates those things so be sure to do all of your Amazon shopping HERE, or just hand me 100 dollars cash if you see me out and about! I also accept baked goods.

And of course, thanks for reading! Without you I’d be talking to myself even more than usual!

What say you?

PLEASE, GO ON...

HMAD's 2nd Annual End Of Year Awards!!

Well another year has passed, and thus we must honor it in the time-honored tradition of the internet: posting about the best and worst (whatever the website is about) experienced in that year. 2008 was, as you all don’t care, the first full year of Horror Movie A Day (No missed days! 440 total reviews! Dozens of annoyed friends!!!), and if I may toot my own horn a bit, that’s pretty goddamn impressive of me. Much more impressive than previous “___ A Day” attempts. Turkey Club Sandwich A Day was particularly grueling, and only lasted a month or so.

Like last year, I have decided to write a HMAD specific list for 2008, which will focus on the 365+ movies that I watched for the site over the course of the calendar year. For a more traditional best/worst list (one that only concerns movies released in 2008), head on over to Bloody-Disgusting for my picks. I will also eschew the traditional categories, because, come on, this isn’t a traditional site. Let the other sites point out the best movie overall and the biggest disappointments, I know what you’re all really concerned with: The best/worst movies about killer chairs!

So without further ado...

HORROR MOVIE A DAY’S BEST/WORST OF 2008!!!

Most Consistent Franchise: PHANTASM
Unique in that every film in the series has the same writer/director, and pretty much the same cast, it comes as no surprise that the Phantasm series is pretty consistent in terms of quality. While I can put them all in order of ‘best to worst’, they would all be in the B+/A- range if I were to assign letter grades, which is more than I can say for any other franchise in history (OK, maybe the Witchcraft series, which would all be D).
Least Consistent Franchise: THE EYE
Not only do the films vary in overall quality (2 being great, 1 being OK, and 3 being a mess), but they have nothing in common storywise either. The actual concept of an “Eye” doesn’t even really factor into the sequels, which are more straight ahead ghost tales. But 2 is a serious drama/thriller, and 3 is a goofy comedy. At this rate, part 4 could be a romantic western and no one could really complain.

Best Movie With Terrible Greenscreen: FEAST II: SLOPPY SECONDS
Unlike the “loser” of this category, there was only one major greenscreen set in Feast II. Unfortunately, it’s the one where about half the movie takes place. Still, it’s too fun of a film to really hurt, and depending on how good the color is on your TV, you might not even notice most of the time.
Worst Movie With Terrible Greenscreen: PULSE 2/3
This one’s a tie, because 2 is a better movie than 3, but the greenscreen work is much worse. At least in 3 it seems like a few actual sets were used (such as the climax of the film), and they are scaled correctly, unlike in part 2, in which Jamie Bamber appeared to be in Wonderland half the time due to poorly sized backgrounds. And unlike Feast II, neither film was good enough to really forgive the cynical laziness involved in the decision to eschew generic locations (houses, gas stations) in favor of lousy composite work.

BEST INDIE ZOMBIE MOVIE: Zombies Anonymous
It falls apart in the 3rd act (as most zombie movies do), but until that point this is the closest I’ve seen to an original zombie movie in years. Shame it didn’t get picked up by one of the bigger studios, which could have given it more exposure, like the-
WORST INDIE ZOMBIE MOVIE: Zombie Diaries
Unless the character is a descendent of Hitler or something, there’s no reason to hate a movie character as much as you will hate the guy in this movie who compares what he’s going through to 9/11. The fact that he’s British makes it even more annoying. The fact that the rest of the movie is just as banal and pointless is just insulting. And I actually stopped buying Dark Side magazine after they claimed it was “the greatest zombie movie ever made”. It wasn’t even the best one made that week.

BEST MOVIE I WISH I WATCHED AT THE BEV: Friday the 13th Part V
A New Beginning was always on the lower end of my “Rank the Fridays” list, but watching it for the first time since I became a regular member of the rowdy/celebratory crowd at the New Beverly Cinema, I realize that I simply haven’t had the right viewing experience for it. This sleazy and ridiculous entry deserves a big crowd, not a solo home viewing. Let’s make it so for 2009!
BEST MOVIE I WISH I WATCHED AT HOME: Phase IV
Midnight movies should be ridiculous, fairly fast-paced, and generally “awesome”. Phase IV, while a good movie, is none of those things. We never get a 2nd chance to make a first impression, but if we could, I would probably start with this. At least for movies. If we’re talking human beings I totally would have been less of a lameo my freshman year of college.

BEST REASON TO KEEP DOING THIS: Pieces
Thanks to Eli Roth, maybe I would have seen Pieces this year even without Horror Movie A Day-ing, but it’s a risk I am not willing to take. This movie can’t be described, it simply must be experienced. Again and again. (Note – Raw Force may be even more epic, but it’s not as much of a horror movie)
BEST REASON TO STOP DOING THIS: Michael Feifer
I became sort-of familiar with this non-auteur with A Dead Calling, which was one of the worst movies I watched in 2007. Foolishly forgetting his name, I was subjected to not one but TWO of his godawful movies this year: The Graveyard and The Butcher. These movies were so bad that I swore off watching any DTV movies that I’ve never heard of. So if you’re an indie filmmaker who was hoping to see your film reviewed here, thank Michael Feifer for taking that dubious honor away from you.

BEST CRAPPY MOVIE: Alive Or Dead
One of some 200 Lionsgate releases I watched this year (I like how that might not even be an exaggeration), this one stuck out due to its charming peculiarities, like our heroine using her phone charger as a dildo in the opening scene. It’s otherwise no better/worse than any of these other breakdown/mutant movies, but the moments like that earned it a special place in my heart.
WORST “GOOD” MOVIE: Otis
I seem to be the only person who disliked this movie. But I’ve never been happier to be in the minority.

BEST BUDGET PACK FIND: Vampire’s Night Orgy
Not only is this one of the few Mill Creek movies to get a 2.35 transfer, but it’s actually a pretty great movie as well. I would pay handsomely for a pristine DVD – this movie made the otherwise underwhelming Tales of Terror set worth buying.
WORST BUDGET PACK FIND: Black Dragons
The 60th in my probably never ending series: “Movies about a big house with a reporter, an uncle, a mysterious death, and a suspicious butler that had nothing to do with it”

BEST KILLER CHAIR MOVIE: The Chair
It’s slow going, and the main actress is a bit annoying, but I would be willing to watch whatever director Brett Sullivan does next, and I would certainly watch whatever cute co-star Lauren Roy does next. Also, best screenshot of all time:
WORST KILLER CHAIR MOVIE: The Devil’s Chair
I really hoped Funny Games would be the last time I go out of my way to watch a horror movie and then be told that I am an asshole or a sick bastard or whatever for wanting to watch it, but nope. If it wasn’t an improvement over their last film (the truly execrable and pointless Broken), I consider Adam Mason and Simon Boyes to be sub-Uli Lommell at this point.

BEST MOVIE I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER: The Sickhouse
My review says that it’s pretty good. I’ll take my own word for it, because I honestly don’t even remember what this is about anymore. Something about the plague, a clock, and a coyote? And it’s good? OK.
WORST MOVIE I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER: Hatchetman
Considering the things I said, you’d think this burned Dark Ride-sized holes into my psyche, but damned if I can recall anything that happened in it.

BEST FILMMAKER RESPONSE: Antibodies
The director was like “I’m a regular site reader, and I just realized you reviewed my movie.” LOL, awesome.
WORST FILMMAKER RESPONSE: Nightmare Man
Within like, an hour of posting my review (hurrah for Google alerts!), the director posted a response, explaining how I was being too harsh and that the plot holes I mentioned weren’t plot holes. And that’s fine, but the main reason I disliked the movie was that it was trying hard to be funny when it wasn’t and was tonally all over the place - issues his response ignored. That’s like if you buy a car that explodes and the automaker chastises you for bemoaning the lack of cupholders.
BONUS: STRANGEST FILMMAKER RESPONSE: Return In Red
Maybe it wasn’t actually him, but a guy with the same name as the director of this underseen little gem posted a rambling and pretentious review of his own movie as a comment (the ONLY comment received for the film so far), rather than just say “Hey thanks for the nice review!” or whatever.

BEST TOM SIZEMORE MOVIE: Red
Not really horror, but a great dramatic thriller nonetheless, and it gives Tom Sizemore the first work he can be proud of in about 5-6 years.
WORST TOM SIZEMORE MOVIE: Furnace
Maybe Tom thought the director was Bill Butler, legendary DP of Jaws and The Conversation, not Bill Butler, writer of Return of the Living Dead 4: Rave to the Grave. Or he just didn’t care who was directing as long as it meant another decent paycheck for appearing in another lousy DTV horror movie.

BEST DTV SEQUEL: BOOGEYMAN 2
While nothing lived up to the promise of last year’s Wrong Turn 2, Boogeyman 2 at least gave me hope for the year (I saw it the first week of January) by vastly improving on the original and surprisingly offering up a traditional, and above average, slasher movie.
WORST DTV SEQUEL: REST STOP 2
Unfortunately, most of the DTVs were like this: lazy, pointless, and displaying not a single sign of creativity.

BEST MALE NUDITY: ANTIBODIES
In the film’s best scene, a naked serial killer runs around, then smashes through a window, falling 2-3 stories to the ground below. Considering I won’t even trim my beard unless my boy parts are fully protected, kudos to this guy for running balls first into a goddamn sheet of glass.
WORST MALE NUDITY: Don’t Look Now
I guess I’d rather see 1973 Donald Sutherland’s ass than 2009 Donald Sutherland’s ass, but it’s still a pretty ghastly sight, made worse by the fact that the scene is supposed to be kind of sexy.

BEST HORROR MOVIE ABOUT HORROR MOVIES: Hack!
Some of the humor falls flat, as expected, but its worth watching for William Forsythe’s hilarious turn as what is essentially a live action version of Groundskeeper Willie. Also: Winnie Cooper as a murdering slut who fucks her uncle. Hey-O!
WORST HORROR MOVIE ABOUT HORROR MOVIES: Trapped Ashes
This pointless anthology manages to waste Dick Miller AND my time, without a single decent entry (out of 5) to show for it. Filming in the Psycho house just reminds me of what I should be doing with my time instead.

BEST REMAKE: Last House On The Left
The trailer just debuted, and its one of the shittiest trailers I can recall. But don’t let that deter you from checking this one out when it is released (I saw a test screening), which takes what could have been a pretty terrible idea (mildly “Hollywood-ing” the original film) and manages to almost improve on it, thanks to a more consistent tone and an easier to digest approach. Bonus points for casting Tony Goldwyn as the dad.
WORST REMAKE: April Fool’s Day
Great idea, morons: remake a movie, but toss everything out BUT the one thing everyone dislikes about the otherwise fun original. You fucking asstards.

BEST TREND: Less "crap"
Out of the 75 movies labeled crap (refresher: a movie without a single redeeming quality), only 15 of them were from 2008 (as opposed to - math skills here - 60 from 2007). Either I'm becoming a more sympathetic person, or I'm just getting better at picking movies.
WORST TREND: Spam
I didn't get a lot in 2007, but I guess since the site is a bit more popular now, it's a more viable target for spammers and spam-bots. People posting in random reviews to link exchange when they aren't even human, people posting links to download the movie free, and worst of all - bigoted morons commenting in the Brokeback Mountain review. Also the folks (or just one bored folk) trying desperately to claim that Poughkeepsie Tapes (still unreleased!) is real. It's nice to hit the "reject" button every now and then, but enough is enough.

Well that's it. Feel free to post your own best/worst picks of the year! Enjoy 2009!!

PLEASE, GO ON...

HMAD's 4th Annual End Of Year Awards!!

And so another year of Horror Movie A Day-ing has come to an end. I actually have less reviews than ever for 2010 (‘only’ 400!), due to Lost Episode A Day taking up some attention (mine, not anyone else’s – I’ll be glad when it’s done), some occasional odd jobs (anyone catch my typo in the Hatchet II end credits yet?), and even an acting job! As mentioned HERE, I played the monster in a short film – I had a blast and can’t wait for you folks to see it.

I also took it easier when it came to festivals; writing brief capsule reviews for movies I didn’t think much of or didn’t have a lot to say about. And thanks to the delightfully angry “anonymous commenter” on the review for one festival movie that hasn’t been distributed yet, I won’t even be doing that much for future fests. I try to be positive here, but I HAVE to be honest, and if I can’t without someone threatening to punch me in the face, then I’ll just stick to movies that have already been distributed as much as possible. I’ve long had a policy of not watching “screener” DVDs of unreleased films after a similar incident occurred a few years back, but I guess I’ll be applying it to festivals as well. Apparently, some folks think it’s OK to charge 10 bucks a ticket to see their film, but not to point out its flaws. (I do, however, appreciate the ego boost I got by suggesting my negative review could hurt a movie’s chances of being distributed. Like there’s a decision maker out there going “Well... what does BC think?” HAH!)

But while there may be fewer reviews to choose from, there are still plenty of awards to dish out! So without further ado, I hereby present the 4th Annual Horror Movie A Day Awards! Hosted by, er, me. Again.

(As always, this is just for fun and focuses on nonsensical categories, and includes the movies that I SAW this year, not necessarily ones that were RELEASED this year. For a more traditional “Best of 2010” list, head on over to Bloody-Disgusting.)

Enjoy!

HORROR MOVIE A DAY’S BEST/WORST OF 2010!!!

Best Sequel To A Movie I Haven’t Seen: ZOMBI 4: AFTER DEATH
I ended up seeing Zombi 3 later in the year (not that it matters, none of the Zombi’s have a goddamn thing to do with each other), but 4 is way better anyway, featuring an amazing score, zombies that move fast or slow depending on the director’s mood I guess, and a hall of fame line in “The only way to stop ‘em is to blow its head off!”. And it’s much faster paced than most of these things (even the good ones like Fulci’s “original” Zombi), making it an ideal viewing.
Worst Sequel To A Movie I Haven’t Seen: GHOULIES II
I saw this borefest at the New Bev, after being assured it was better than the first one. Well, if this was “better”, I will take their word for it and probably never ever watch the original. It took the entire movie for the Ghoulies to finally wreak havoc around the carnival, and there’s a little person in the movie but he never fights one of them, which I thought was the point of hiring the guy in the first place.

Best Batshit Movie: HAUSU
I could watch this movie every day and never get sick of it. Or understand it. Making Raw Force look like the paragon of logic and subtlety, nearly every minute of the film is crammed with stuff guaranteed to make you either laugh or yell “WHAT?!?!?” (usually both at the same time), and never ceases to be entertaining – even the end credits are fun. Essential viewing in a theater.
Worst Batshit Movie: THE BOX
Would it kill Richard Kelly to make some fucking sense? The part of the movie that he took from the original story was fine. However that’s only the first third. The rest of the movie is pure Kelly, which means a lot of babble about vessels, something about aliens, incoherent character behavior, and the total lack of anyone that resembles a real human being. The only good thing to come out of watching this was asking the lovely Gillian Jacobs to explain her character to me at Comic Con (I was inexplicably doing press for Community). Luckily, she didn’t get it either.

Best 1970’s No Budget Monster Movie: ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES
I had always assumed this movie was corny as hell and probably pretty boring, but I couldn’t be more wrong. Some of the humor is dated, but I was still laughing quite a bit, and the out of nowhere musical numbers were largely enjoyable. And the tomatoes weren’t giant monsters like the ones on the VHS cover – they were normal to pumpkin sized, which is way better. A total delight.
Worst 1970’s No Budget Monster Movie: BEWARE! THE BLOB
My god what a horrid pile of filth. Painfully unfunny (despite almost non-stop attempts to be so) and boring to boot, this is the sort of movie that I wish was forever lost due to poor storage or something. Nope, it’s available on digital formats, so future generations will forever run the risk of seeing it.

Best Use Of William Forsythe: DEAR MR. GACY
Not a particularly great movie, but Forsythe is top-notch in his performance as the notorious killer, going over the top only when required and being genuinely scary at times, something he hasn’t really done in ages. It’s also a ballsy role for the guy – the script doesn’t tiptoe around Gacy’s terrible sexual preferences (at one point he encourages the hero to rape his pre-teen brother). Someone get him a meaty role in a theatrical movie again! And no, not you, Mr. Zombie.
Worst Use Of William Forsythe: THE RIG
Forsythe dies about 30 minutes into this thing, despite top billing. Worse, he never gets to fight the monster, and spends most of his screentime arguing with his daughter about her lifestyle. On an oil rig. Look, I like the guy, but he’s no Bruce Willis – don’t tarnish his filmography by having him rip off the finest oil driller movie ever made just because he’s got bills to pay.

Movie That Didn’t Live Up To Its Title: SUCK
I wasn’t expecting much from Suck, but it turned out to be a pretty enjoyable and funny little flick. Fun cameos from Alice Cooper and Moby (gleefully mocking his vegan lifestyle), a winning lead performance by writer/director Rob Stefaniuk, and a smoking hot lead actress (Jessica Paré) all combined to make one of the year’s best comedic horror movies. Decent songs too.
Movie That 100% Lived Up To Its Title: DISMAL
Oh yes, you certainly were. In fact, it may be the worst movie I saw all year (it’s one of only nine that I labeled “Crap” – a record low!). Every single scene in the movie was lifted almost verbatim from a different movie; Christ, they even ripped off Hatchet at one point. 'Dismal' is almost too kind.

Best Confined Movie: DEVIL
It’s a shame that the producer of the film (M. Night Groanalot) overshadowed the ACTUAL film, which was a tight, suspenseful little gem. And kudos to John Dowdle for keeping it visually interesting despite the obvious limitations of shooting in a cramped elevator. Luckily, I’m seeing folks renting it on DVD and discovering its worth, so hopefully future “Night Chronicles” will be forthcoming.
Worst Confined Movie: TRUNK
A girl in a trunk is driven around by a serial killer. Could have been decent, if the writer knew how to write dialogue besides “Fuck you!” or “No, FUCK YOU!”. Or if the director knew how to mix up his backgrounds – the guy drives around for hours yet it’s always the same area of downtown LA that we see rolling by. Oh, the director and the writer are the same guy (Straw Weisman), so at least I know to avoid future films from only one person instead of two.

Best Movie I Had To Put Effort Into Seeing: COLD PREY II
Anchor Bay released the first Cold Prey a while ago, but they still haven’t done the same for this sequel. So I finally tracked down an all-region copy, at a price a bit higher than I usually like to shell out for a “blind buy”, from a mysterious 3rd party seller. Luckily, the movie lived up to the original quite ably, and is actually one of the better “picks up right where the first one left off” sequels I can recall, despite a change in director and a fairly obvious source of inspiration (our survivor is taken to a hospital....).
Worst Movie I Had To Put Effort Into Seeing: PLAGUERS
I had a screener of this thing, but it conked out after a few minutes, so I had to drive out to the store to rent their copy, which I had passed by several times over the past year or so (partly due to the fact that I had a screener). Turns out I was making the right call – it wasn’t even worth the effort of putting it into the DVD player, let alone making a trip to Blockbuster to get a working copy. Some of the girls were hot, but that doesn’t nearly make up for the inept action, nonsensical plot (which rips off Alien enough that someone should be sued) and beyond laughable FX – the old Star Trek looked better than this, and I mean BEFORE they cleaned it up for HD.

Best Movie My Readers Kept Demanding I See: OUTPOST
A couple of folks have been all but showing up at my door with a copy in one hand and a gun in the other trying to get me to watch this movie, but once I saw it I understood why – it’s pretty awesome. Sort of like The Keep crossed with The Descent, it also features the awesome Ray Stevenson, who deserves better than DTV efforts (even good ones – the guy should be getting Gerard Butler’s career!). Supposedly a sequel is on the way; it won’t take a lot of arm breaking to get me to see it.
Worst Movie My Readers Kept Demanding I See: SCREAM 3
Ever since I posted reviews of Scream 1 and 2 back in October of 2007, folks have been asking for me to review 3, and I kept saying that I didn’t want to watch it again because I didn’t like it. But then Dimension announced (finally) that Scream 4 would be going ahead, so I figured I’d give it a shot – maybe the surplus of bad slashers I've seen due to HMADing would give me a new appreciation for it. Nope! Still sucks. In fact I like it less every time.

Best Killer Tiger Movie: BURNING BRIGHT
While I was disappointed that Meat Loaf never got to fight/get eaten by the tiger, I was surprised how suspenseful this “could-have-been-a-disaster” movie was. I could watch Briana Evigan read stereo manuals for 90 minutes, but she actually puts in a performance to match her looks here, and I enjoyed Garret Dillahunt’s misguided villain as well. Bonus points for using a real tiger!
Worst Killer Tiger Movie: MANEATER
They named a whole series after this thing, you’d think it would be pretty good. But alas, even Gary Busey can’t save this snoozefest. In fact, I think if you make a Gary Busey vs. a Tiger movie and it’s BORING then you have officially failed at life.

Best Addition To The Nightmare On Elm Street Legacy: NEVER SLEEP AGAIN
OK, maybe four hours is a bit much on paper, but watch the film and then tell me what they should cut. Every anecdote (including several candid ones about things that went wrong) is worth listening to, and the filmmakers assembled almost everyone you could possibly want (no Johnny Depp or Laurence Fishburne though – boo!) from the series; over a hundred participants if I’m not mistaken. Add in a 2nd disc packed with entertaining bonus features, and you have a set you can be proud to place next to your boxed set.
Worst Addition To The Nightmare On Elm Street Legacy: NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2010)
The more I thought about this movie, the more I hated it. I didn’t get as angry when I saw it as I did for RZ’s Halloween or Gus Van Sant’s Psycho, because I don’t love the original Nightmare as much as I do those films. However, stacked against them, Nightmare is actually the worst of the bunch (and certainly the worst Platinum Dunes movie), because there was absolutely nothing to suggest anyone involved had any creative ideas whatsoever – there is simply no reason for this movie to exist except for PD to complete their “set” of available franchises to try (and fail) to revive. Fuck you, movie.

Best Movie To Inexplicably Get A Theatrical Release: BLACK WATERS OF ECHO’S POND
Not a particularly good movie, but no worse than the average After Dark entry, and featured a few ringers (Robert Patrick, Danielle Harris) plus those smoking hot Babysitter Twins from Grindhouse. Wasn’t even the worst movie I saw that week, and kudos to the filmmakers for getting it into theaters.
Worst Movie To Inexplicably Get A Theatrical Release: CHAIN LETTER
This piece of shit has been on the shelf for a couple of years, and then suddenly found itself in theaters on the busiest release day of the year (October 1st, which also saw the release of the long-delayed Case 39, the well done but pointless Let Me In, and the “cameo” theatrical release of Hatchet II, plus 1-2 other non-horror films). Hopelessly outdated and wholly idiotic, this is the sort of movie that doesn’t even deserve to go direct to DVD. What the hell was it doing alongside The Social Network at the multiplex?

Best Asylum Movie: MEGA PIRANHA
The biggest problem with most Asylum movies is that they only have enough action for the trailer, with the rest of the movie comprised of people talking or people looking at action we can’t see. Not the case with Mega Piranha! It’s pretty packed with action – piranha dive-bombing buildings alongside the ocean, a Bourne-like hero fighting folks, car chases... easily the best thing they’ve ever done. A few more like this and they might actually get a legitimate quote to put on their DVD cases (the ones they use are fake).
Worst Asylum Movie: PARANORMAL ENTITY
Released so quickly that the film didn’t even have an IMDb page when the disc hit shelves, this is actually the rare Asylum ripoff that can’t even use its low budget as an excuse – the film it was cribbing from cost about as much. It tells you that everyone dies right at the start (and adds in some nonsense about incestuous rape that never occurs), and then takes 80 minutes of tedium and 2 minutes of action to finally get to that point. And I don’t even know who to blame, because the movie didn’t even have credits!

Best Movie Called Salvage: SALVAGE (2009)
An odd hybrid of home invasion and monster movie, the film isn’t perfect, but it’s a cool idea and well made despite obvious limitations (like shooting in an actual neighborhood – tiny suburban houses and complaining neighbors included). Cool monster design too.
Worst Movie Called Salvage: SALVAGE (2006)
I liked the writers’ previous movie Rise Of The Dead, but this one was a snoozer, with a convoluted “personal hell” plot that would have been interesting if any of the characters were. The horrible soundtrack did it no favors either.

Hottest “Gross” Sex Scene: SPLICE
Look, I don’t care if I “raised” her – if I was a weirdo scientist that created a human-esque thing that had my frigid wife’s DNA in it, and she jumped on me, I’d probably hit it too. If nothing else, I’d have the best story to tell down at the bar. Who could top that?
Grossest “Hot” Sex Scene: SUICIDE GIRLS MUST DIE!
I’m supposed to be titillated by these girls? They’re horrible human beings, most of them look like they forgot to eat for the past couple weeks, and they’re covered in garbage tattoos. All I wanted was for them to put their clothes on and then die horribly. I didn’t get my wish (no one dies – it’s all a big prank a la April Fool’s Day).

Best Movie About Making A Movie: KILLER MOVIE
I really thought this one would suck, but it turned out to be one of the better whodunits I’ve seen since Scream, refreshingly light on humor and loaded with entertaining red herrings. And Leighton Meester gets killed horribly, preemptively making it up to us for what I’m sure will be a terrible (PG-13) time with The Roommate.
Worst Movie About Making A Movie: SPLATTER MOVIE
I’m sick to death of these movies as is (the Killer Movie folks weren’t making a horror movie), but the characters in this movie are making a movie about a killer stalking a horror movie crew! What the meta-christing fuck?!? And it looked like shit too. If you’re going to waste my time trying (and failing) to be clever, at least use a decent camera.

Best Amusement Park Movie: HOUSE OF FEARS
At long last, I got a decent funhouse movie! The logistics are a bit muddled (they’re stuck in a funhouse that would seemingly take two hours to walk through normally), but the characters are engaging, the “killed by your fear” angle works pretty good, and they kill even the characters you’d think would be safe. And there’s a random Jared Padalecki cameo!
Worst Amusement Park Movie: THE FUN PARK
Not only is this wannabe Texas Chainsaw flashback-fest a total bore, but they also don’t even use the setting to their advantage! Half the movie takes place in a standard horror movie dungeon – we see some rides in the background every now and then but the characters never even run around under them, let alone on them. Includes pointless torture scenes too, just in case you didn’t find it worthless enough already.

Best “No, Not That One” Movie: THE ECLIPSE
A “The” has never been more important to a title, as this is NOT the 3rd Twilight movie, but rather a moving and quite scary (jolt scares) ghost tale starring classy folks like Ciaran Hinds and Aidan Quinn. It’s more of a tragic romantic drama than a horror film, but those scares WORK dammit, and the movie is just plain good. And no one sparkles.
Worst “No, Not That One” Movie: COPYCAT
This is not the Sigourney Weaver/Holly Hunter serial killer flick, itself no masterpiece but an enjoyable enough thriller featuring two of their generations most under-appreciated actresses. Nope, this is a forgettable lame-ass movie about a reporter investigating a killer who copies famous serial killers, and instead of making that scenario or its characters interesting, we just get lengthy flashbacks to the killers killing someone, as if we were suddenly watching a full fledged biopic about that killer. Which we should be doing instead of watching this.

Most Satisfying Documentary Lineup: THE PSYCHO LEGACY
Considering how many principles are dead and that Robert Galluzzo didn't have any previous features under his belt (like the Never Sleep Again team did), it's even more impressive how jam-packed this movie was with personnel from all four Psycho films, including Mick Garris (the only living director of a Psycho film) and Henry Thomas (young Norman), plus the always awesome Jeff "Duke" Fahey. I also enjoyed how he focused more on the under-appreciated sequels instead of spending half the time on the original, which has been documented/written about extensively - more "franchise docs" should follow his lead (i.e. if they do a more definitive Halloween series doc - we don't need to be told about the Shatner mask for the 496th time).
Least Satisfying Documentary Lineup: VIDEO NASTIES
While the doc itself was enjoyable and informative, I was really bummed that none of the directors whose movies were among the 73 banned titles were interviewed, which could have added some much needed personal perspective on the subject. Too many stuffy old Brits, not enough "names" that could not only provide some unique insight, but also help this doc get a release over here in the States.

Best Wide Release Movie (Reader Poll): THE CRAZIES
I had to pass in my Top 10 list for Bloody Disgusting by December 1st, so it’s kind of funny that The Crazies and runner-up Splice were my top 2 choices for the year as well (the poll ran until December 8th or something). There was only a one vote difference (!), and nothing else even came close, so they both sort of won this one. And I like the dichotomy – celebrating what was easily the year’s most original movie (if you think Splice was a Species ripoff, you didn’t see it), and the year’s least offensive remake (I actually think it was an improvement). In a rather dreary and forgettable year for horror, these are two I’ll still be watching in years to come.
Best Limited/Indie Release Movie (Reader Poll): BLACK SWAN/FROZEN
It was my goof – Black Swan should have been in the wide release poll, but I wasn’t even aware folks were considering it a horror movie at the time I made the wide release poll. So Frozen, which came in 2nd (by a wide margin) shares this award, with Rec 2 coming in 2nd (3rd). And four people voted OTHER but didn’t bother to let me know what exactly was better than the 20 or so “obvious” choices I picked for the poll. At any rate, Swan’s award worthy (winning?) performances and creative “story within a story” narrative didn’t floor me as much as everyone else, but it’s undoubtedly a great movie and the best Aronofsky film I’ve seen (I’ll be seeing the others soon, now!). And Frozen was Adam Green’s best and most accomplished film yet (I HAVE seen all of his), buoyed by excellent turns by Shawn Ashmore and newcomer Emma Bell. And it’s surprisingly rewatchable as well – I figured it wouldn’t hold up on repeat viewings since the suspense is the driving force, but those quieter character moments (the puppy story!) kept me entertained on 2nd and 3rd viewings. The end credits sucked though, glad they replaced that guy for the next Ariescope film :).

So that’s it for 2010! Hopefully in 2011 we’ll see a return to some things that I let slip by (commentaries, “Second Chance” reviews), as we (I) mark the 4th anniversary of HMAD on February 7th (4 years of not missing a day on February 16th!), and 1500 movies in a row sometime in March! Don’t miss these landmark events!

PLEASE, GO ON...