Bye Mum

At 01:00 pm Bro called me.
Pic... Mum to the right. To the left: Me. Just like I feel today. Only... Mum is missing.

I am thankful, somehow.
It was no living anymore for her or us.

Still.

Funny thing. Couldn´t eat all day.
15 minutes after Bro´s call I got so darn hungry.

It´s over. I am a person without parents. Accept it, stupid-me.

What Is Difficult?

Mum is dying (insert drama here, but it´s true).

Bro was suggesting I go see my Doc.
At first - oh, and this is a post about me, feel free to skip it - at first the muscles of my thigh (front) did hurt (still do). I had the explanation that the stairs to the hospital might be the reason.

Then the muscles on the other side started hurting, like real bad (for a healthy person like me). No idea where this comes from.
Bro suggested I cramped in sleep?

Anyhows. I didn´t go see the doc.
Buckling the bike up from the cellar, cycling with aching muscles (or loosing the place where I left my car, taking the car... New Years is coming and this place is rather safe for the car) gah, no. Then I´d had to wait endlessly... she takes her time for each and every patient - and she would´ve made me cry, who wants that?!).
So... no way.

So. Here I sit in my PJs.
Just got an E-Mail from friend P who sits at her PC in her PJs.
She asked when I stroll in. I don´t. Found Aponal, an antidepressant my Doc subscribed me ages ago (I checked the date, it´s ok).
She wanted me to take it so I find sleep better. Just in case someone reads along and wonders.
I just wonder (I wonder al lot these days, huh?) why I get "allo, allo, je t' aime, je t'aime" screamed at me from the TV? Je ne t'aime pas, but I need indeed washing powder!
Anyhows.

Life, huh?
It can be the best thing in the world. And the worst and all inbetween. But some day it has to end.
I kinda love the story of Highlander.
Live forever, see everything develop. From Zuse-PC to iPad and all

Oh, boy, I tell ya/myself. Doc isn´t stupid. I´m getting tired from this stuff.

Whilst Bro is in total panic-mode... I kinda. Am different.
My Mother is dying. This minute, like all the other minutes and hours and days.
Bro said she is off contact.
Her heart is so darn strong, she cannot leave this place. She is in no pain.

Call me bad. I can´t find myself in the car driving all the way when my Mum maybe feels I´m there, but probably not.
I went through all this with my Dad.
Only.... Ingo lived in a different place.

What is diffcult? One of the things is being me.
Bro would want me in hospital 24/7 at my Mum´s side. Spouse... aw well.

It´s difficult to find the right way. So many accidents happen and since Ingo told me of his flat tyre that decided to happen at 120 km/h... I´m even more in panic.

We could´ve had a week for us.
Didn´d happen.

Mum...

Ar U Fast Enough

I sure am not. Try to call Aunt G, but she´s not there. Bro is her God-Child.
You see. I like her best, he letme take care.

Well

I had a Mä:rzen. Two, actulally.

We Are Sailing

The "problem" is Mum´s healthy heart. That "Gal" is good for a joke, still.
Oh, by golly. Where do we sail to, all around the world?

I am to call Aunt G in Switzerland and Uncle P in Spain. Um. Hello. Bro gave me all those outta-Germany-guys! Aw, well. Aw, well. Ya know? I cry and cry. Her heart is too strong to let her die.
Mum, like... really? Are you serious about this, huh?!
You have a weird sense of humor. Really.

And somehow...
In some years... you´ll make me laugh about it. Maybe.

Just To...

not forget:
We´re the "Kaiser-Kinder", Bro and I.

If there is a heaven or such: Dad.
We still roam around.
We´re Bro and Sis. Your kids. "Hi". Mum is on her way :-(

Christmas 2011

As most also we still had to run errands on 24th, stupid us.
Well, but this way we now know: Santa Clause in Germany is driving Volkswagen Mercedes ;-)

Yeah, I know, you probably think, oh Dude, we had this years ago!
This is Germany, remember?
I still wait for cooking oil to spray! Still!

When I went to see Mum on 23rd she was... well, what. Pale, thin, but without the big mask, only the small tube for oxygen.
Bro even made her eat a bit whilst telling of little Niece´s last adventures. Mum also laughed a bit even. Bro stayed longer than I and Mum waved me good-bye like the tough warrior she always was.

The 24th was cold and rainy. Still, if you feel like it, you can enjoy hot tea or a beer outside, the Café/Bar around the corner put some fur down:

We didn´t visit, I was cold to the bone. Heart racing all the time. Like now.

We "celebrated" Christmas with a Störtebecker-chocolate-beer in a Mumme-glas.
Typical German, huh?

Just ignore the pill in the pic. At times I´m just really bad at taking pics...

The 24-day-Christmas-candle I found on December 1st in my Advent-Calendar burnt down.

I took the pic cause it symbolizes so much. Or not enough.

Those monks who hug... I had bought them in black and white. Mum brought me these from a holiday, they´re red and yellow. I put the others away to give to SIL, she loves black/white.
The other day saw those in blue/white in Bro´s place, guess they´re from Mum.
She always took great care to ensure Bro and I get the same. That no one is "better", as my Dad and Grandma did (for Bro).

Bro and I are like these Monks.
Mostly.

Yesterday SIL called to say Mum is sedated. Bro is there, it can be over any minute now.
Called the hospital this morning and they said, Mum is still there, so I called Bro to say I drive over. He said, go NOW. He himself felt sick. I ate on the run and went.

New carers, but they knew I´ll be there, no formal procedure. Now. Is that good? I never wanted to be known in intensive care, I tell ya.
Mum opened her eyes and recognized me.
I sat down at her bedside, took her hand and squeezed it. She squeezed back. Her hand was very warm. Her teeth were not in position, I asked the carer to put them out. She talked to my Mum and explained to her.
I need to write this down. Just need to. I cry as I type.

Somehow I always knew Ingo will make it.
And I know she will not. We only wait.

Mums lips were very, very red, too. Must be the medication.
I told her and showed her I got the DVD she wanted to see. I told her what Ingo said this morning:

My Dad is still in our kitchen.
She opened her eyes and I told her of the pics that still didn´t make it out of the kitchen.
Pics of her and my Dad on their silver wedding.

Pics of Bro and I in Cologne...

Of Ingo and I and that I still have to add SIL and Niece.

Maybe it had helped?

I felt so darn bad. She was in and out of consciousness all the time and after an hour I left. I sayed good-bye only very quietly.

Went to the car and told Bro what the carers had let me known.
He was like: HELLO?! You wanna leave already?!!!! I was there yesterday for 11 hours! E-L-E-V.... you get it.

That was when I lost it.
I sat in my car screaming at him that all he does is demanding and when Ingo nearly died over weeks and weeks he didn´t even bother to come to Braunschweig once, to see how I cope.

I wanted to talk to him about this... one day in the future.
But the pressure was just too much.
Remember, I have a one-plus hour drive one way in winter, too!
I cut off the phone, jumped out of the car and headed back to Mum.
Bro called and I answered, I´m in hospital, phones are not allowed in here!

Drama.
Went back to Mum.
And this was the right thing to do. She was asleep, but woke and saw she is not alone, one of her children is there.
The ward round was due and the doc told me they don´t force her to drink anymore. She is in no pain. He talked to her, too, despite she lay there with closed eyes.
These guys there in Bad Gandersheim are the best.

When I compare this to how Ingo was treated here ein Braunschweig, I could just puke.

Bro had brought them all some chocolate as a thank you.
He is a true businessman, no? I was too much in panic-mode to do what I said we should.

Well.
Bro sms-ed me he is a fool and very sorry and that I should call when I leave.
I didn´t know how to get this - does he want to know if I stay there 11 hours?

I stayed another hour and then it was just too much. I felt shivering all over.
I didn´t say Good-Bye this time. I just couldn´t.

Back in the car I wrote Bro an SMS that I leave and don´t feel good.
He called me and asked to stop at his place so he can hug me.

I´m so darn glad we are like this. We can rip off each other´s heads and be good again the next minute.

He hugged me very strong and long and I hugged back, he led me into the kitchen, I sat down on a chair, he kneeled down before me and hugged my knee, we talked.
He told me Mum yesterday had asked for me... and Ingo even.
He said he had never realized how serious Ingo´s situation was back then.
And this is what my friend P. had told me, too.
I let no one know cause... I needed to function, ya know?
"Only" my online friends were there for me (thanks so much every one of you) - those who cannot really hug me, so I don´t break down.

We then went to the living room where Niece was having lunch.

She sure felt something serious is going on, poor girl.
They also gave me a pressie:

Pic taken at kindy. She´s not used to "pose", usually we just take pics as life runs along. Anyhows, thanks, guys.

Bro also finally had my new glasses ready! No pic I just look bad. Not due to the glasses, of course.
Nice was so darn cute. After a while she came over and grabbed my knee, later she had fun running into my arms, hugging me and making it back to the other corner of the room.
She did so until she staggered around like a drunk, that´s how tired she was.
Guess little kids understand a whole lot and do their best to help, no?
Will she remember her green fish gave her "kisses" of air today and keep that game and remember me doing it? Probably not. Still, such a cute kid. Without her... this would have been a total horror.
Still life goes on - Ingo is making Kale, oh, yum.

Summed up... this is the ugliest Christmas we have to go through.
I wait for the phone to ring and hear that Mum has made it. This is no life, this is dying.
Since last Sunday she is in intensive care.

I think of you, Mum. And Bro.
And I am thankful snow is only in a snow globe, but eeek, still dangerous with ground being frozen partially.

Mum Play Acts Darth Vader

Pic (like totally) out of context... love these, one of the few good things of winter...

Well. Today was a bad day.
Woke with Ingo at 4:thirty-something and fell asleep again till the clock woke me again at 5:40 - he couldn´t even say good-bye :-(
Cleaned the kitchen, surfed the net a bit and was at Bro´s place shortly before 9.
He and Niece had both overslept, so I met the Wee one shortly, joined them on the way to day nursery.

We talked and talked, Bro and me, was kinda "therapy" and went with two cars to the hospital Bad Gandersheim. Me (oldest first), Bro and Niece were born there and now Mum... fate or doom, they have humor, huh?

Yesterday Mum needed a little extra oxygen with the mobile tube I already knew from when my Dad was at this stage.
Today... she needed a mask that covered the whole face. Beeped all the time when air got in. She can not get used to it, otherwise she´ll "forget" how to breathe at all on her own.
Every breath took her still a lot of efford, it was a real pain to see and hear, I got breathless, too. (Like... all is well with my breathing, no worries).

At one point she looked at me full of fear.
Yeah, try to give a faithful, reassuring smile to that.
She was in and out of consciousness/sleep all the time.

The male-nurse called Guido I really do like best. He talked to us forever, he pat her cheeck when adjusting the mask, smiled at her, talked to her. They all take their time, they´re all fantastic - quite a huge contrast to Braunschweig, to where Ingo was.

Usually you´re allowed 30 minutes max in intensive care over here in Germany.
They let us stay as long as we like. Ok. We just sit there and keep quiet.

Guido said, most people don´t visit. They "can not" see their... you cannot say loved-ones, right?! ... their ... sick ones with all the machines attached.

Hello?!!! They have to live through that! Certainly I´m there, we´re there.

At one point I thought my Mum was calling me and Guido asked what my name was and agreed it sounded much alike but was just an exhausted sigh.

The title? At first I tried to bring in some humor. But Mum doesn´t know Darth Vader. I could´ve guessed that, stupid me.
She gets morphine, but only such a small dose that she´s still fully here.
Now... is that good?

I have to work tomorrow.
I drove to work back then every morning, too, wondering if Ingo will still be breathing when I come back. At least Mum is in good hands. What did I do back then?!
I had no (mental) help, didn´t know better.
Bro is deaf on that ear, totally.

Need to get a patient's provision for both of us, I don´t wanna end up weird and helpless.
Will tomorrow be a better day, was today the low mark?

(Mis-) Understanding

This is about my Mum dying. Yeah, drama again, huh? Yes, it is. Because she is still there. She can listen, she can understand. Well, now they eventually start morphine (did this afternoon), it´ll probably end soon.

Bro is his own Boss. I´m just an employee. I am the only one in my project now, too. We were three people once.

Bro expects me to be there every day.
If I´d do so, I´d loose my job, it´s as easy as this.

My Boss today said, "go!" No, actually he said, "Dear Iris, there are things more important than your job, go see your Mum, and all the best wishes. A."
Whilst I have over 100 km one way, Bro has 15. I am totally night-blind and there is a huge construction-site with blinking lights (oh, and winter!).
When I said I wanna leave so I get home when still light, he didn´t like it. Hello?

We are family, we have to be there for one another.

Yeah, right.
When we came home from our "holiday" in 2008 cause Ingo´s Granma was dying, we stopped shortly at Bro´s place due to some glasses-stuff (he´s an Optometrist).
Ingo looked - in my eyes - much better already.
Bro went all pale in shock, cause actually Ingo looked like our Dad just before he died of Cancer.
Bro went home, to a friend, drank so much he couldn´t work the next day (the joy of being your own Boss, huh?)... and... and??? Never made it to Braunschweig. Never came here to hug me, to be there for me or anything!
Nothing.
Yeah, so much for being family, for being there for one another in the hardest times.
He helped us move, he made the ceiling in the living-room. And he visited twice.
Umm.. yeah, twice. Or was it three times? Me... countless in the same time.

He said a few weeks ago, we need to meet regularly now. We´ll also come to Braunschweig at least once.

I still wait.

All the new stuff we have. After all my Mum paid a lot for this, too. When I said, you have to come here one time she was like, "one?!".
Yeah, right. Now it´s none.

Should I say something, should I be honest?
Back then I daily thought... will Ingo still be alive when I return home from work?
Yes, he was. In pain.
Then he was gone, in hospital in Lübeck at his Bro´s (Doc), far away, I had to work.
Was my Brother there for me?
No.

This is what Ingo realized, too.
It´s all to one-sided.
The way from their home to ours is loooong. Ya know? Big City, complicated.

But we´re over in no time, huh?

They have own parking spaces. We always have to remember where we left the cars and often have to circle around to find a place at all when it´s late in the evening. Yes.
We chose the city.
Still.

I am angry and disappointed.

Who is right, Bro or I? Why is he never there for me but demands me to be there for them?
My Spouse nearly died and he totally left me alone.
And now again speaks of being there for your family.
I just don´t get it.

I am thankful he talks to the docs and all (if Mum was here and I was... aw, ya know, I´d do it too!)

Right now I am very sad and also very angry.
If anyone still reads along... do you have any suggestion what to do?

Tell of my my disappointment, my anger, my mis-understanding? Tell him he totally left me alone when my own partner nearly died, the Love of my life?
And now tells me such stupid stuff of "family"?
Ignoring the fact that I work 45 minutes more every day so I can have a day or two off each month for family?

I am so... sad, mad, all.

Now I know why I get a pressie nearly all day in my Advent-calendar. My friend P. probably had a guess :-(

Flaming Heart

Guess what I found when I came home yesterday?

Yepp, the Drachenfels-heart Ingo ordered on Monday was already there (see also last pic in this post)! So, instead of healthy running we went to the city – I didn´t feel good all week anyways, tired bones, no staying power, must be the weather, I hope.

We got the heart and ran some serious errands and got some fun-stuff like a little Lion as a very handy bag for little Niece (I know… I have to wait about 3-4 years before such a pressie makes sense). Oh and I got another Braunschweig – Lion-City-bag, too. Then we went to the Christmas-Market.

Ingo had a soup, potatoe-soup - he expected a soup like the one his dear, late Granma made, with potatoes in it:

Sorry for the blurry pics (again! - and, yes - I asked Ingo if he minds me posting this pic, he said it´s ok) – hehe, does he have a bit of it on his chin? He doesn´t look happy cause the soup was puréed, too bad, but he got something yummy afterwards. Hackepeter in a Breadroll.

Right beside you could get freshly made Flammkuchen:

This has nothing to do with the blog´s title, I ate the whole thing in one piece. Notice that little onion staring with huge eyes? Didn´t help, I ate her, too ;-) it was raining a bit, that´s why we hid under the roof of a house.

Sadly they took some garlic, but I guess that won´t prevent me from getting another one on Monday – it was the most delicious Flammkuchen ever!!! So yum!

Eek. As I type this, huge snow flakes are falling. Gack! A colleauge said, snow would be fine – on Christmas eve between 6:30 and 10 pm! And then it has to melt away asap. She´s so right! Please not yet another hard winter, not 3 in a row, please, Mrs Holle, aka Mother Hulda (Mother?!), please think of those who have to drive by car to work, ok? Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain…

The way back home, I so love this part of December!

Also inside:

Ahhh….

And now here without further ado comes the flaming heart :

Ummm... this is an ado, huh? ;-)
But, you see... this is really special to me... and before I could say a word the lady in the shop had wrapped it up:

She failed to understand that we don´t make pressies for Christmas and Birthdays but spontanously. We both think it´s more creative and shows “more” affection. It shows you think of how to make the other happy all year round - but everyone as he likes :-)

And you can skip the word spontanously in this case as well.

As you can see the gift-box in itself is a piece of art:

I have looked oh-so-often at that heart on the box of my King-Frog-ring – their trick obviously worked, huh?

Ingo was considering quite some time, too, if he should present me the heart and asked me then before really doing it.

Here goes, a very first pic from yesterday:

Atm I wear it on a “chain” of leather that Ingo made as a provisional arrangement.

Here goes a pic Ingo took:

See, my little, cute King-Frog-Baby is in the picture as well :-)

We could´ve bought a golden chain (the heart weighs 11 g!), but I prefer to give the money to my Bro (goldsmith).

Here is the heart in Detail and yes, as you could see... the heart is the heart of a story!

Awesome, huh?

Oh, boy. What a day!

When we were home Ingo said it was a lot of fun :-)

Happy weekend everyone!

Gratituesday

Today I´m joining Mandi because I´m thankful for thoughful friends.

Especially around Christmas it “sucks” when you´re about to loose or lost family, esp when it´s the parents.

I may be nearly 40 but imagining they´re both gone makes me feel like a lost kid.

Whom do you ask for advice in certain things when your Mother is gone?

Yesterday I found a card on the kitchen table, saying Ho-Ho-Ho and reminding me that also friends from the other end of the world do care and are aware of my Mum´s and hence also my situation – Mandi, you made my day - I thank you for being a friend.
Hehe... now I have the theme-song of the Golden Girls in my ear :-)

A real card is something different than an electronical one.

And look here:

I don´t think we have Christmas-themed stamps over here - how cool is that?!

I´m a sucker on this one this year, though.

I´m also thankful for my friend P who started to make personalized Advent-calendars for me after I´d lost my Dad to cancer.

That was 8 years ago and we still keep this tradition (both ways certainly).

The weird thing is…. Though the reason for this yearly mini-pressie-galore is a very sad one, I so look forward to the calendar. And enjoy finding things for hers all year round.

So… here is: To friends :-)

Oh, btw… being a sucker… I so wanted to make Pies with Ingo between Christmas and New Year´s (it´s a new field, so I need time and the feeling I´m off the every day stuff). I have the forms and the receipes – and very likely Ingo has to work those days, buhuuu!

We´ll see what we can do.

Dry Party

(Yeah, I know, tidy is different... so much good stuff to look at, I just can´t decide...)

On Friday we went to my company´s Christmas-party.

On 17th floor we had a great view on the city, the room was decorated, everything nice, we only missed the announced live-music, but one of my favorite colleagues was there, so all was well.

We got a Prosecco as a starter and then talked and had some fun, my boss thanked everybody for our work.

Some time later the staff announced our Boss was hungry, so the buffet was opened.

Finally! Am I lucky I had had a snack at home before we left, otherwise I might´ve found myself in some corner suffering hypoglycaemia.

The food was yummy, really. I only wondered why there was only the appetizer?

The staff was very slow and unmotivated.

After the first course Ingo took a tablet. He tries to live without meds and it works fine, too, as long as he can eat at fixed times and knows the food. So, in this case neither was given and he took meds.

Well. One should think after the starter there would be a main course, no? Half an hour passed, then another and another. Nothing happened. Ingo asked the staff if there will be more food. Oh, sure, anytime now...

In the end we had to go home so Ingo could get something to eat – there has to be some food after those meds.

Guess my Boss was hungry when we left, he didn´t seem that happy when I said we got to go home to eat something... Hello? This was the worst service ever I had to experience!

Next day we made up for this with a visit to El Gaucho (yes. We got two seats on short notice on a Sat!!! The Chef was yelling from behind, “no longer than an hour!” and our waiter replied to us and him, guaranteed, I know these guys :-)

Our waiter has our age, we sometimes met at the footy, so you can say we “know” each other. When we told him about Friday he said, yeah, i-Vent... I´ve heard of that place before, really bad service…

And since everybody is xmas-partying atm also our bakery-staff exclaimed, what?! Only drinks? No, not even that properly...

A colleague said today the main course was... eadible but nothing special and the dessert more than just plain boring. Served at 11:30 btw...

Boy oh boy, how can that place survive? With a bad reputation like that? Ingo thinks I should complain, he definetivly will (he said). I don´t think those guys will care much, so I probably safe the time for something more productive, huh?

Have you ever left a party hungry cause there simply was no food served?

No Blood For Brekkie!

Went to the... no: my eye specialist today (she has the same eye-problem I have, kinda, and wasn´t there last Friday). In the building was a sign that today you can donate blood. Ok, so after the visit at my Doc I went to donate.

Whilst I filled out the form, a man arrived and flutteringly and loud and actually kinda threatening asked the staff - volunteers, certainly - if after donating we will have a snack at the bakery downstairs again? And if so! Last time they refused to give him fancy cake for the voucher, but gave him a Breakfast!!!!! A Breakfast! At 5:30 pm! If he gets Breakfast again, he´ll never donate blood again!

I was already at the doc when that guy waited for his turn and started with this stuff all over again!
He demanded for the staff to go down and make sure he gets cake.

Boy... I mean... hello?! It´s a gesture, it´s to make sure you don´t pass out afterwards and they don´t have the room there to serve self-made food.
It´s not about food it´s about donating blood, you Jerk!

I certainly kept my mouth shut and got this "advent-pressie" instead (like everyone, including that Jerk).
On the back...

... it says, "Blood donors bring something great. A little thank you in return.
Merry Christmas and all the Best for 2012!"

Cute, huh? I give it to Ingo (it´s chocolate).

Anyhows. One of the guys really took the time to go down to the Bakery and talk to them.
I admit, I kinda thought, Brekkie? Jam and such? Meh. Aw, well.

After I spent nearly 60 € at the drug store for new meds... (am I thankful I never have to pay for glasses due to Bro being Optometrist), I went to said Bakery.

A very friendly girl handed over a plate with cheese, bologna, chicken breast, cream cheese, butter... and, yes, also jam. She added two bread rolls (I gave her one right back - who eats 2 breadrolls at a time?!), asked if I´d like tea or coffee and which softdrink, water or Pepsi and if I like I can have a second later.

Man.. I´m getting old, I tell ya! I was thirsty like crazy from donating!
So, I asked for a second Pepsi. And then I couldn´t help but ask her if that "Mister" got his cake.
Whilst before he was like loud an all she said he was very polite and certainly got his cake. And with rolling eyes said, hey, that way life never gets boring, huh? ;-)

Always see the positive side of things, huh?

Don´t Deny It Part I I

Pic: Mum and I.

See part one here

Uganda. The Sky God had two children: Nambi, the Life, and Warumbe, the Death. Kintu, the human fell in love with Nambi and asked to marry her, which he was granted. God ordered them to populate the earth and said, hurry up, it won´t be good if you meet Warumbe. Half way Nambi realized she had forgotten the feed for her chicken and insisted on returning. They met Warumbe – he came down to Earth... and stayed.

Ruanda. When God sent the first couple down to earth, he gave them two bundles, in one was Life in the other Death, and he ordered: Gather all animals and each will decide which bundle he wants. The humans and all animals decided for the one with Death. Only the snake decided for the other. Ever since she rejuvenates by getting rid of her old skin – all others have to die. And they cried. God decided to kill Death, but Death cried to an old women, “please, help me, I´m in peril to life!” She hid Death under her clothes. God saw and said, what a pity for mankind, they´re a victim of their own stupidity”. And Death stayed on earth.

Greece. The tale of Pandora found a place here, too.

East Africa. In the old days, mankind didn´t wander around or sleep, which one complained about by God. God agreed to let them wander and sleep but said, now each of you has to come back to me one day. Mankind agreed because the one who had asked had experienced the sweet sleep on the way to God.

Catchword sleep: In the language you still find the equation of sleep and death: In old Greece graveyards were called sleeping places. In German for pass away you say sleep away, you put a dead person to his last rest.

The old Greek thought of Sleep and Death as twin-Brothers, the old Germans considered them to be Siblings. The Roman poet Ovid pictured Hypnos, the Sleep, as a merciful, friendly God: He brings oblivion and refreshment, he frees mankind of fears and distress. One of his Sons is the Dream, the other the Death, both are Sons of the Night.

Ecuador. The world was created and God decided to make mankind. He sent the Cricket to fetch stones, cause stones are of long continuity. The Cricket moaned that stones are so heavy. A Beetle came by and offered to do the job. God agreed but ordered the Cricket to go get clay. The Beetle was slow… we all know the rest of the story…

Brazil. The Great Ghost who created everything wanted to give mankind eternal life. He said: “Go down to the river, soon there will arrive three canoes, I will be in the third. Greet me gentle and with awe.” The first canoe arrived soon and smelled real bad, it was loaded with foul fish – they assumed it was Death. Some time later another canoe arrived, with a human-like figure on board. They assumed it was the Great Ghost and welcomed him with joy. It was Death.

Sulawesi. At the begin of the world, heaven and earth were close. God one day let down a rope with a stone. The woman and the man refused. God let down a banana and they took the fruit with joy. God said: You´ve chosen the banana, your life be alike: When the banana-plant gets new fruit, the bole dies. So will you, your children will take your place. If you´d chosen the stone, your life would´ve been like his: consistent and eternal.

Nigeria. God created turtle, mankind and stones. When they grew old, they rejuvenated. Turtle one day went to God and asked for children. God said, if you want children, you also have to die. The turtle said: When my wife gets pregnant, I will die. God asked mankind and they answered: We want to see our children and die thereafter. The stones said, no, we don´t want children and we don´t want to die. Be it, said God.

Chapter 3: Death as punishment

Central Africa. God Kalunga one day said to his Son: Go and get a goat from every being.

The Son went to the Sun who gave him a goat. Next he went to the Moon, the Stars and the Savanna and each gave a goat. Finally he came to Mankind. They gave him a goat. Satisfied the Son left. The humans called him back and asked what the goat was for, what they get in return – the Son had no answer and they killed him. Kalunga waited one year, then went to the Sun. The Sun said, he was here a year ago. I gave him a goat and he left. Kalunga got the same answer over and over. So he decided to test all, he ordered to dig a hole each and lie inside. The innocent will come back, he said.

After one day the Sun was out. 28 days passed, then the Moon was up again. The Stars and all plants of the Savanna came back after the dry season. Only the Human stayed inside. Kalunga now knew who had killed his Son and said: it will be this way forever: the humans will not return from their graves, they will not join the living again.

No Chef

In my family it´s always the men doing the cooking. I have no interest in it, and worse: I´m really afraid of burning myself. I nearly fainted twice just seeing it on TV (first aid-movie) or being there (Ingo).

Anyhows! I made potatoes and Brussels sprouts today cause Ingo refused.
I´d even tried to make him meat, but the stove didn´t work (neither when he tried!).

He asked me to post that I´ve failed.

The potatoes were real good, just right! The right amount of salt, the time... "perfect". The Brussels sprouts could´ve cooked a tad longer, but were definitively ok.
For someone who never practices... it was good!
He told me more than twice that I had failed.

I feel so sad. Hurt. Why does he do this?
maybe this is not the place... but hardly someone is here, so... and those who do, I call my online-friends, so it´s ok.

This weekend started so well.
Then we got in a fight due to TV being too loud for me. He went away, I let him be angry and get calm, but I was too early. Now he´s angry again.
I have no power left, either.

Just today FB suggested a "friend"... a friend I cared a lot about, I e-mailed to and offered other options to keep contact (her sight vanishes). She never answered. Why that suggestion today? (I respectfully ignored it).
Sometimes I feel like I have no power left and see only the bad sides of life (Mum dying, Job turning into non-fun, family being difficult, Ingo... does he love me anymore? He has a hard time, too... but shouldn´we be there for each other even more? He´s against me as if I was... oh. Forget about it.

I´m no chef in the kitchen, nor in Life.
Let´s face it, Ingo is right. I´m a looser (insert self-pity here).

* I don´t like sauces. At subway they even know me cause I´m (obviously?) the only one who says: No sauce. I never liked that squichy stuff.

My Bad?

This weekend started so good.
It was very likely Ingo had to work this Saturday - but he could report on Friday: The weekend has begun, yay! - He dreamed he works, though, how bad is that...

We got up, had a coffee, ran errands and bought Heinrich der Löwe-Bread (see pic)

We/he bought a Blue-Ray-DVD-Player some time ago and today 3 DVDs - it was fun!

Until... Well, Ingo had bought a surround sound system and all. And at times the movie gets LOUD, like really loud. He says it´s "dynamic" - it hurts in my ears. It´s not really the neighbours I care about (too much, since their son plays Basketball at 11 at night right above me), but it really hurt my ears.

First time I said so, he grunted. Second time: We watch it like this!, next time: Use ear-buds!! and then he turned it off and went away.

So much for a nice weekend.

On one side I even can understand a little! He is a tecci, loves this stuff.
But on the other hand... it really was so loud at (dynamical, har-har) times, it really did hurt, my ear (the one I was not covering cause I hold his hand) was ringing, I kid you not.

Wouldn´t it had been nice, he´d taken some kind of regard to me?

Now I feel like the failure of this weekend is part my Bad.
On the other ahnd... it was no fun for me. Why can´t he take the middle and turn the sound down at those loud scenes?
Do people really want that THEY ARE SCREAMED AT BY NOISE, IS THAT COOL????? - I hate it and smashed a weekend, thanks. The weaker one has to go, that´s me.

I´m so frustrated and hurt.

My work-project will die mid-next-year and the job following (at least there is one!) will not be half the fun.
The place where Ingo works very likely will be shut down soon. Yeah, finding a new job these days is "fun", huh? In Europe, har-har.

Ok. I´m, very negative today. Too bad, since it all started off so good.
Did I destroy it by saying this dumb stuff is too loud at times???? Maybe I'm just more sensitive and if he could step in my shoes for a sec, he´d feel the same?

I have the feeling it´s my Bad. Or not?
Anyways... sad it is. Only Sat afternoon... and I´d like to go to bed.

Hope your weekend is better than mine...

Addendum: He turned on the music so loud, I had to close the door.. and it´s still loud, how can he stand that?! He can hear perfectly, otherwise he wouldn´t understand the dialoges, spoken in "normal" volume. How can he select love-songs and... I feel like running away (if it wasn´t that darn cold outside).
How can you have a friend who is not your friend? I don´t get this.

Addendum...: Agressive music is played now. Watching "Lover of Life" and realizing how much Farrokh just looked like his Mum. And that in Interviews she called him "Freddie" - what a great Woman and Mum, huh?

Advent, Advent...

Got my Advent-Calendar yesterday... wow, huh?
Pressie-galore... We went to the Christmas-Markets again, my friend and me. Boy, it was packed! Awful, so many people! Luckily we did that yesterday - it´s raining all day long today.

Left work early today due to very red, itchy eyes. First thought: Bring the car home, take the bike - will take 7 minutes, once on the bike. But it was raining, and, hey... there won´t be much traffic on a Friday at lunchtime... Yeah. Great idea. Took me at least three times longer, the city was more than full, the car-park nearby was full and the doc closed at 1:00! Was in 12:20. Next time: Take.the.darn.bike!