Trash

So my Mom (the ever-popular commenter Maughtamom, for those of you who need obvious things pointed out, which I know is none of my super-smart and super-cool readers so this whole aside has been pointless) looks over to the sidebar at the random books from my Library Thing account and keeps asking me why I read such crap. I argue with her that, of course, taste is subjective and she's just wrong (as all mothers are at one point or another accused by their offspring), but then I find myself reading such tripe that I wonder why I even bothered wasting the time that could have been spent, I don't know, watching the ceiling fan spin and the dog hair collect in the corners of the room (an ever popular spectator sport in my house), and realize that my mom is, of course, right (don't tell her I said so!). And I've written the preceding two sentences (which may possibly be the longest sentences ever seen on this blog) because I find myself reading the book How to Teach Filthy Rich Girls by Zoey Dean.

It's a terrible book whose general premise is that rich bitches (think the Hiltons) are simply misunderstood and smart people who graduated from Yale with English degrees really just need to learn how to groom and dress themselves (and get the mandatory Brazilian wax). Why yes, that is the plot of every chick lit EVER now that The Devil Wears Prada has shown us how it's done. And I'm pretty sure that Zoey Dean doesn't actually exist (the author bio is scanty, there's no picture, and the book is copywritten by Alloy Entertainment which has its own nice little graphicon and a swanky address in New York).

But I know you didn't come here to get a literary review, you came here to see stupid covers, so here ya go:

I find it odd that we no longer need a chick on the cover of our chick lit, simply a shiny bikini and lots of bling. No nipples, though. That'd be too salacious. Never fear, although there is not actually a strappy high heeled shoe on the front cover there is one on the spine. Whew. For a second I though we'd forgotten the most important part of the cover. In case you're wondering, it took way too many people to design this cover; although I'm not sure if one should credit the cover designers listed on the back cover (the grammatically weird 3 Good, Poor Girls) or the gots-t0-be-a-pseudonym "book designer" listed on the inside page, Fearn Cutler de Vicq. Perhaps "book designer" is what they're calling ghostwriters now?

Oh, and Phoebe and Burnsie have informed me that since I mentioned their hairballs earlier I must post more pictures for their faithful fans. So for those of you who come here NOT for the funny book covers but for the gratuitous dog pictures, here you go.

Phallic Phriday...erm...Saturday

I don't know if it's just me, but everything looks phallic today. You tell me, does everything look phallic to you?




Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Aquamarine Heels and Mini. I hope she doesn't bend over! Of course, that's not the phallic aspect. We all know why unicorns only consort with virgins, right? Am I right?




Ummmm, yeah. Okay then. What is it about men and their need to conflate God with Penis? Or am I being a feminazi?



Maughta to the fathership, you are safe for entry. I like how the name Bova contains the word "ova" which is so nicely juxtaposed with this....erm...ship. You want a closer look?

Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h yeah!

Hope you've enjoyed this prurient trip into the phallocentric universe. Beam me up, Scotty.

Burnsie's Least Favorite Book

This is Burnsie:

(Please note the dreidel chew toy, made by Chewish Toys. I love it!)

This is Burnsie's least favorite book:

How do I know this is Burnsie's least favorite book? Because a couple of weeks ago I brought this book home from the library, and he proceeded to tear off the cover and chew it into little tiny pieces. Now I know I've wanted to do this to some books, but I have fortunately been able to restrain myself.

I actually don't think this cover is all that bad, aside from the stick insect masquerading as a human. Why, oh why, do publishers think that women who read chicklit are going to be attracted to covers with women on them who would be 10 feet tall and weigh 50 pounds in real life? Why are women who read chicklit attracted by these covers? Questions I can't answer.

It does seem, however, the Burnsie has better taste than I do. This book was terrible. Its plot includes a crack assassin squad of nuns and others who are employed by the Vatican to kill, quite ruthlessly and bloodily, innocent covens of white witches. I'm no Catholic (although I'm catholic in my tastes), but I found this offensive. And now I own it sans cover (I had to buy a new copy for the library). Thanks, Burnsie! No Milkbone for you.

Tall, Dark, and Dead





Update: Phoebe complained that she wanted her picture on the blog. She's a good girl and doesn't eat books, but she couldn't stand to let Burnsie have all the limelight to himself.

Sisterchicks

Did you know that there's a whole industry of chicklit novels for Christians? Yes indeedy!

Ahhhh, Sisterchicks. Likc Chicken Soup for the Soul, these books have spawned a whole line of Sisterchick merchandise, Sisterchick conferences, even Sisterchick cruises. Too bad they couldn't find a Sisterchick book artist who had half an idea what he or she was doing! Seriously, freaky people in black and white with boy/girl colored shower caps? Looks like Sisterchick lesbian erotica to me.

This one is my favorite of the Sisterchick novel covers, mostly because the brunette looks like she just got out of the shower. Weirdly-sepia-toned chicks do Venice, yay!

But, never fear. Your fearless narrator has gone where no self-respecting atheist Jew has gone before, she has actually read a Christian chicklit novel. And let me tell you, it was crap. Take everything that's good about chicklit--the fashion sense, the sheer hedonism, the good sex--and replace it with puppy-love for Jesus and the desperate search for a Christian boy with whom to date, mate, and procreate. Not only is it annoying, it's jarring to see these genres combined.

I do have to say, however, that I love the chicken logo, shown above wielding a sombrero. Chick-on, Sisterchicks!

http://www.sisterchicks.com/ (Which has a truly funny gallery of funny-looking people who read these books--Sorry, that was just mean!)