After Dark: The Haunting at Madame Tussads (Review) (NYC Haunted House 2011)

It was inevitable that I would cross paths with The Raven and the Black Cat. As fellow haunted house bloggers, we cover the same territory and it happens we both attended After Dark: The Haunting at Madame Tussauds on the same night. So with a fellow haunted house enthusiast in my group and my friend "S" in tow, I was excited to see the popular Madame Tussauds wax museum transformed into a haunted house.

My biggest fear this year wasn't Taylor Swift coming at me with a bloody knife or President Obama whispering in my ear, it was that I'd be subjected to the same experience I had last year (see 2010 review here). But that fear was quickly eliminated after I was told it was entirely new and different. This would either be good or bad.

The Disclaimer.....

Situated in NYC's Times Square, Madame Tussauds during the day is probably a fun place to go to. I have never been to it with bright lights and the ability to see all the wax figures in detail. I saw a few glimpses of some rather cool figures I'd love to snap a picture with and a CGI sized Incredible Hulk that was crazy awesome. I must say, this might be a tourist attraction but I may one day go check it out during the daytime.

The catch is it is a tourist haven and either that appeals to you as a tourist or irks you as a New Yorker. After Dark will have a short run, October 20-23 and 27-30 (it's not open on Halloween?!?) from 9pm-12am. If you can bulldoze through the masses, it may be the most easily accessible haunted house in the city.

My experience happened to be part of press preview night and thus I was the very first group to experience The Haunting.

The Walk Through.....

In a group of 5, which included RBC, "S', myself and 2 other intrepid reporters we were led up stairs to a waiting elevator and then unleashed onto the darkened halls of Madame Tussauds. This is a very different opening from last year's version where the mock "the museum is haunted" ghost hunters video played with William Castle "Percepto" vision. I dug that a lot as the museum was using creativity and a back story to get you into a spooked out mindset.

However, this year you're thrown right in. The walk through the museum seemed longer than before as a long staircase starts you on your way. I set myself up in the middle, then later lagged behind and then summoned the courage to be in front to get the BOO! from different angles. As a jaded attendee from last year, I'm pretty much immune from the sneak up but I'll admit there were a few times I was startled and jumped out of my shoes.

As I said last year, the museum is so spacious that the only way to get jumpy is if the actors are pretending to be wax figures. And that definitely happens but they also come out of places you wouldn't expect. Wall crawlers and a parkour leaping professional scarer will get you screaming. It seems this year, the actors like to run at full speed at you (like a NYC taxi cab speeding and stopping at a red light). They also like to crawl, whisper and sneak before you exit.

Due to the darkness, I couldn't make out what they were dressed as or if their makeup was demony. But a few actors and actresses used celebrity camouflage to blend into their surroundings and unleashed their menacing screams. One actress seemed to speak gibberish. TV monitors aired psychedelic visuals are littered throughout the museum to get you full of "Ring" like moments. But as you wander around, once the initial scare is done, the actors point you to the next room.

I really wanted to have them act out a scene which they did in the first room I entered where a Anne Rice vamp sucked on.....sucked on the neck (get your mind out of the gutter dude!) of a would be damsel in distress. The actors did try to converse and I as always replied back. One scary demoness expressed the fact "she liked me...a lot". Clearly that was my opportunity to ask her out to coffee but I'm sure she would have "acted" like she wasn't interested at all. I believe there was a world of time to act out a quick scene after the scare and I wish they did more of that.

I also noticed the actor per room equation was a little off. It seemed we would get only 1 actor per expansive room. There's tons of opportunity to do a 3 per room quota that would enable you to scare people after the initial BOO! I know it would be a ton to ask these actors to stand still for hours on end, but that really is the big selling point here. Appearing from behind a corner or from a well placed coffin is expected. Standing next to President Nixon in a suit and tie goes a long way for the incognito.

The scariest points are when NO actors are present and you're staring at shadowy wax figures who seem so lifelike that you start to scare yourself. At one point, I stared at a wax figure for a full 30 seconds before I realized it wasn't an actor. The darkness combined with ominous celebrities and historical figures can sure play tricks with your mind.

But a few twists and turns and an encounter with a mother who seemed to have offed her baby get you back on track. The museum is clearly well dressed in the dark and works well for groups. The spacing between groups is nicely done and you sense you and your friends or the strangers with you, are alone locked in after hours. After Dark is well equipped with strobe lights and a variety of sound effects to get those goosebumps active. It's clearly designed with a family friendly atmosphere but even the biggest gangsta might lose some street cred as he squeals like a girl.

Overall, After Dark lost it's gimmicky hook from last year which I loved. It replaced it with a longer than normal walk through and was one of the best haunted houses to space out the participants for maximum creepiness. Sure I cracked a few jokes with "S" and RBC. It's in my nature to joke with the actors and sometimes I'll just wander on my own hoping I'm targeted for a scare. You'll need to summon some courage and head the pack. Remember, you're here to get your scare on.

After Dark: The Haunting is your go to theme park haunted house for Halloween. It's designed for tourists and New Yorkers who want to take a break from the glitzy lights of Times Square. It may not have elaborate sets or a pseudo torture walk alone aspect, but it has Justin Bieber being scary as hell.

And what's more frightening than the Bieber in eerie darkness? Well I guess hearing him sing.

The Vitals...

• Madame Tussauds New York is located at 234 West 42nd St, between 7th & 8th Ave
• Tickets cost $24 online
  
• Check out the official site
• Check out the Facebook page
• Follow Madame Tussauds on their Twitter page
• Photos provided by Madame Tussauds
  
• Check out the trailers below!
  

Did you experience After Dark: The Haunting at Madame Tussauds? Leave your thoughts and comments below!

Categories: after dark, halloween, happy halloween, haunted house, madam tussauds, madame tussauds, nyc haunted house, nyc horror

A Jaded Viewer Giveaway: DVD of your choice!!!

I'll be honest. This giveaway isn't going to be as awesome as The House of the Devil VHS Collectable. The 3 movies I was planning on giving away are pretty mediocre (some will say it sucks monkey balls) but hey it's free if you win right?

So for this giveaway, if you win you'll have a choice of which movie you want. I haven't seen any of these flicks. You can IMDB them for reviews. They are unopened and were saved from the trash bin. But one man's trash is another man's not trash right?

Enter by leaving your name and e-mail address in the comments. On or around October 12th or so I'll randomly pick a winner. That's it.

Here are the 3 movies you get to choose from.

1.) Ferocious Planet DVD (a SyFy Original Movie via Maneater Series)

the jaded viewer says: Stars Joe Flanigan and John Rhys-Davies. New copy of this SyFy original movie. Who knows what the plot is but I'm sure the flick has awesome CGI. Here's the trailer.




2.) Savage County DVD (via MTV New Media)

the jaded viewer says: I think the soundtrack may be better than the movie. Texas Chainsaw ripoff for sure for the MTV generation.

Trailer because you didn't ask for it.





3.) Fertile Ground (via After Dark Originals)

the jaded viewer says: I think the house doesn't like this big city couple too much. You know how I LOVE After Dark originals right?

Trailer because you want to see scenes that are way too dark.

************************************************************

On a side note, the jaded viewer will be going on hiatus for a week or so. I'll be in Los Angeles for reasons well beyond my control. If you're a jaded viewer in LA, drop me a line via Facebook or Twitter and let me know any good food yum yum spots I should check out or not for tourists places to visit.

See ya when I get back!

Categories: after dark, giveaway, horror giveaway, jadedviewer, sweeps, sweepstakes, the jaded viewer

Prowl (Review)

Prowl

Prowl aka The Strays (2010)

Directed by Patrik Syversen

Oh After Dark, you never disappoint me. When I ask for a cliched, stereotypical horror movie with dumb white kid fodder, generic pseudo vampires and frenetic camera movements you deliver on q.

Straight from the revamped After Dark Originals lineup comes Prowl aka The Strays, a horror movie that takes a different spin on the night crawlers who meet some Abercrombie and Fitch wearing small town white kid hipsters and you know...get slaughtered. Yawn.

As much as the film likes to think it's different...it's not. It's your same old bag of scares, cardboard cutout teens and army of blood thirsty creatures. Funny enough, the whole thing kinda is The Hamiltons meets 30 Days of Night. Is that a good thing? I don't even know..it's certainly not a compliment.


Boring Plot-O-Matic

Amber dreams of escaping her small town existence and persuades her friends to accompany her to find an apartment in the big city. When their transportation breaks down, she and her friends gratefully accept a ride in the back of a semi. But when the driver refuses to stop and they discover the cargo is hundreds of cartons of blood, they panic. Their panic turns to terror when the truck disgorges them into a dark, abandoned warehouse where blood-thirsty creatures learn to hunt human prey, which, the friends realize, is what they now are...

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I read the other reviews by some well respected horror critics. They actually found this movie OK though cliched. But one thing you'll find from me is if I didn't enjoy a film, I let you all know it. So as this movie is as cliched as a Jokey Smurf gag gift, you get a cliched Q&A review.

1.) So who's the final girl and does she have final girl superpowers?

Our final girl is Amber, a blonde cutey who longs to leave her small town for the big city. The first half an hour is the movie explaining this to us. Really? I get it. All I needed to know is she wants to leave cuz she's from a shitty small town. Plus after the nerdy, fat Jewish kid tries to put the moves on her, she rejects him. How can I possibly root for Amber and her stuckedupiness now? I hate her already.

2.) Is it true they wear Abercrombie and Fitch clothing, play Truth or Dare in the back of a truck in which they hitchhiked in and are white in color?

What other race would wear A&F? Venezuelans? It makes no sense to hitchhike to the big city in the back of a fuckin truck but they do it...cuz white kids do dumb white kids stuff. Where other races deal with real problems, white kids problems are "Are we out of Cloves and Wild Turkey?"

No way a brotha gonna ride in the back of a creepy redneck trucker guys truck. Unless he was Carlton Banks.

3.) I'm 100% sure the teens cell phones all work because AT&T and Verizon cover 97% of America and one of them must have AT&T or Verizon and not shitty Metro PCS or *gasp* T-Mobile...right?

Like every other horror movie, either the battery has run out or every other horror movie takes place in that damn 3%. I'd like to totally visit this 3% place. I am 100% sure it's one of the Dakotas.

4.) The film introduces night birds of prey vampire demony type creatures that hunt human prey and thirst for blood. So are there naked boobies in this?

Girls in tank tops only. One day, we'll see a girl run away from a creature and rip apart her shirt for no apparent reason. On that day, I will cry and say "Thank you, I'm so happy you understand me Mr. Director".

5.) I've tasted human blood and it kinda tastes like purple drink. Why can't these creatures just buy some purple drink from the local 99 cents store instead of murdering innocent mall shopping teens?

I like purple drink too. Next thing you know purple drink gonna be sold at Hot Topic and mass marketed to suburban kids everywhere. Gone will be the days where people enjoyed the novelty of purple drink as a cheap, watered down grape tasting beverage. What was your question again?

6.) How's the splatter content? Will I say "Fuck yeah!" in any of the gore scenes?

Severe neck trauma, arms and limbs flung all around and death by bashing of a gas canister.

7.) Why are girls so good at hiding? Is it genetic? Do they go to a pre-school Hide and Seek class? I've tried Googling this with no luck.

All girls are given cloaking devices on their 13th birthday. Oh and all women are part chameleon.

8.) Cmon, there's gotta be something cool that happens in Prowl. Like a giant robot saves the final girl right before she is about to be attacked by by a horde of blood creatures.

You know what saves the day? A lighter. I shit you not.

9.) I heard there's a twist in this flick that will make you crap in your pants (you know not literally crap in your pants but metaphorically, because I've never crapped in my pants ever, and if I did I would not be know as the "master crapper", fuck you, stop calling me that) So is there a crazy twist ending that will make you metaphorically crap?

Yes there is. It makes no sense. Like time travel and beef jerky. I mean dehydrated beef? What's the fuck is that?

10.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?

I guess so. Do you want there to be one? Give me $1 and I'll say yes if it makes you happy.

WTF moment

The supposed twist ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Prowl is now out on DVD as well as a few other After Dark originals. It's pretty much the same as the other After Dark selections blending road tripping teens who meet blood thirsty creatures. As much as others claim there is character development, I saw none. I saw characters I actually wanted to die in horrible and gruesome deaths. From the first minute of the film, I wanted all these characters to suffer.

Does that make me a bad guy? And nobody said "Prowl on this motherfucker" before they killed one of the creatures. Big FAIL.

The Vitals

• The official site

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Categories: 2010 horror dvd, 2010 horror movies, after dark, after dark horrorfest 2010, indepentent horror, indie horror, prowl

A Guide to NYC Haunted Houses

Happy early Halloween! As everybody gets ready for Halloween on Sunday, if live in NYC (or are visiting) and you're in the mood to get your scare on this weekend, this is your guide for all the haunted houses in NYC.

I've reviewed 5 haunted houses and there were a couple I didn't get a chance to go to. But this is an all inclusive guide to give you options. Depending on your level of fear, you can pick from the list below. They all have their slight differences on getting you jumpy and frightened, but all, on some level will lead to a fun, good time.

In alphabetical order.....


1.) After Dark at Madame Tussauds (full review here)

Basic Premise: Located in Times Square, this is a tourist friendly haunted house that turns the famous wax museum into a terrifying haunted house attraction.

the jaded viewer says: "After Dark at Madame Tussauds pushes all the right buttons in scare-o-logy. An interactive blend of 4D William Castle Percepto accompanied by your standard walk through haunted house makes it doubley fun for all. Think Blair Witch meets Night at the Museum. It's a high quality production that echoes an attraction found at Universal Studios."

Where: 234 West 42nd St, between 7th & 8th Ave,

2.) Blood Manor (full review here)

Basic Premise: NYC's #1 haunted house attraction. It's got the rooms and the performers to get you jumping out of your socks.

the jaded viewer says: "It's like a freaky world into the macabre and what makes Halloween such a horrificly fun holiday.Before you dress up in your costume, see the professionals dress up in theirs."

Where: 542 West 27th Street

3.) Fear on 21st (no review, official site)

Basic Premise: An interactive guided tour through the bowels of a run down decrepit asylum for the criminally insane, about to be shut down.

the jaded viewer says: Not Reviewed.

Where: 12 West 21st Between 5th and 6th

4.) Hotel Savoy (no review, official site)

Basic Premise: "With its overlapping of Joseph Roth's novel, reality, and contemporary history, HOTEL SAVOY opens up a world between dream and reality in the history-laden and often unseen spaces of 1014 5th Avenue.

Visitors become guests in the empty hotel and encounter past employees: an elevator operator, a young maid, the hotel barber, the concierge, and a barmaid. These gatekeepers lead us into remote corners of the building, into unreal hotel rooms and real salons still haunted by spirits of past occupants.

Against the background of this surreal through-station for German exiles, visitors are faced with questions about their own heritage in these restless and unanchored times. Guests play the lead role in their brief stay at the Hotel Savoy."

the jaded viewer says: Not Reviewed.

Where:1014 5th Avenue

5.) Nightmare: Superstitions (full review here)

Basic Premise: One of the most unique haunted houses the city has to offer. This year's version has participants breaking superstitions while dealing with the consequences in an insane asylum.

the jaded viewer says: "Nightmare: Superstitions is an interactive experience full of pure, unrelenting dementia. You will come away feeling like you have racked up a million years of bad luck, but had fun doing it."

Where: 623 Broadway at Houston (enter on Mercer Street)

6.) Steampunk Haunted House (full review here)

Basic Premise: Performance art meets steampunk in this free roam haunted house where viewers see the inhabitants of a playhouse theater up close and personal.

the jaded viewer says: "Steampunk Haunted House is a walk through mesmerizing steampunk art with a ballet of neo-noir Agatha Christie surrealism. This is not your tweens or teens haunted house. It's up close and personal performance art set to breathtaking steampunk backdrops."

Where: 466 Grand Street, at the corner of Pitt Street, on Manhattan’s Lower East Side.

7.) Trapped Purgatory (no review, official site)

Basic Premise: Green House Solutions, by the government has been officially quarantined and no admittance is allowed. There has been a chemical spill containing a highly hazardous toxin which caused various diseases and mutations. Some of these mutations have caused paranormal behavior for its victims; so take precaution and do not come close into close contact with this building.

the jaded viewer says: Not Reviewed.

Where: Green Side Up Nursery at 5050 Hylan Blvd, Staten Island, NY'

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If you have any questions or comments about these haunted houses, you can tweet me a message @jadedviewer or leave a comment on my Facebook page.

Have fun and stay safe! Happy Halloween!

Categories: after dark, blood manor, fear at 21 street, haunted house, madame tussauds, nightmare superstitions, nyc halloween haunted house, nyc haunted house, steampunk haunted house, vortex theater

After Dark Horrorfest 4: Dread (Review)

As I mentioned before, I'm reviewing all the After Dark Horrorfest 4 movies on UGO.com. I've made up a hub for all my reviews. Keep checking back as it will be updated once the reviews go live on UGO.com.

Here's a little excerpt from my review of Dread.

"In the same vain as Martyrs, Dread's psychological (then physical) trauma inflicted on the victims is done to prove a point. While Martyrs went beyond the limit, Dread goes a tad lite on the issue.

Yes, I'm actually calling Dread a diet version of Martyrs."

Read the rest of the review by heading to UGO.com.

Categories: after dark, after dark horrorfest 2010, after dark horrorfest 4, after dark horrorfest boxset, clive barker, horrorfest, miss horrorfest

After Dark Horrorfest 4: Hidden (Review)

As I mentioned before, I'm reviewing all the After Dark Horrorfest 4 movies on UGO.com. I've made up a hub for all my reviews. Keep checking back as it will be updated once the reviews go live on UGO.com.

Here's a little excerpt from my review of Skjult aka Hidden.

"It's a little odd that Hidden has ended up in the After Dark Horrorfest 4 lineup. The film has some elements of horror, but it’s really a psychological suspense movie disguised as horror by a deceptive poster and a rapid edited trailer."

Read the rest of the review by heading to UGO.com.

Categories: 2010 horror dvd, 2010 horror movies, after dark, after dark horrorfest 2010, after dark horrorfest 4, after dark horrorfest boxset, horrorfest, miss horrorfest

After Dark Horrorfest 4: The Reeds (Review)

As I mentioned before, I'm reviewing all the After Dark Horrorfest 4 movies on UGO.com. I've made up a hub for all my reviews. Keep checking back as it will be updated once the reviews go live on UGO.com.

Here's a little excerpt from my review of The Reeds.

"The one thing I’ll say about The Reeds is, well it had actual planty like reeds. As for the movie itself, it’s a muddy boggy creek. In other words, a complete mess."

Read the rest of the review by heading to UGO.com.

Categories: after dark, after dark horrorfest 2010, after dark horrorfest 4, after dark horrorfest boxset, british horror, horrorfest, miss horrorfest

I watch Skinemax for the acting and story!

I watch Skinemax for the acting and story! Don't you?

Part of my tagline above is to review the world of erotica. Well I've been slacking on that subgenre of late. I mean the only erotica review I've ever done was detailing the exploits of the titular character Anita in Anita: The Shocking Account of a Young Nymphomaniac.

Starring Swedish girl next door Christine Lindberg, this is some quality erotica. But here in the good ole United States of America, the modern day version is of course Skinemax.

As Urban Dictionary tells us:

skinemax

Nickname for the premium cable channel Cinemax due to it's penchant for showing soft-core porn at night.

"Skinemax is a lot cheaper than going to the strip club."

Oh c'mon now, admit it. You just came home from the bar and don't have the mind power to pop in some horror or watch the late late night Sportscenter so as your flipping the channel, you vaguely hear the groans and moans and see a passing shot of a boob. Well bro, its on. I mean it hooks you right there right?

Sure you stopped the channel to see the scene play out and to enjoy the simulated sex but oddly, if you really try and actually watch the story *gasp*, they are funny as hell. Most of these follow the same plot conventions. Stop me if any of these sound familiar.

• A couple go on vacation at a hypersexed up resort only to encounter the friskiest, horniest couple known to man
• The struggling female artist looks to sell her art the beach, only to meet an art gallery dealer with the means to make her famous
• 2 frat dudes are going to be kicked out of their apartment unless they can come up with the money...so what's a couple of dudes to do? Topless carwash!

Oh there are plenty more generic storylines that are so outrageous you applaud the writers for coming up with these hi jinks. Sure, most of these are set up to get to the public displays of affection (really? the hotel kitchen?) or the easiest of sex transitions (massage time!). But sometimes even the set up will actually be vaguely interesting. I mean who knew a high class brothel was where a prostitute could meet the man of her dreams. Shit...good for her.

With the story, comes the lovable acting which is put on like a sitcom on crack. In the uber reality of Skinemax, one date is all you need to get it done. Even the women are the aggressors in this smorgasbords of erotica. Let's not forget, the women are the stars of these flicks and the men are reusable props. Spewing lines like:

"I'll show you who's head of this class"

or

"You're not just a customer....you're my friend too"

Classic shit. The queen of Skinemax is of course Mrs. Gene Simmons....the one and only Shannon Tweed. Probably the first MILF of Skinemax.

Every movie cable station has their "After Dark" program. With the interweb full of free boobies and hardcore shit, gone are the days of when you'd see a side boob on a partially scrambled pay channel. Is Skinemax even relevant these days?

I know what your thinking. Did he really post something about this? Hahahaha. Yes I did. And now I open it up to you. Thoughts?

**SHIVERS**

Categories: after dark, gratuitous nudity, nudity, porn, porn stars, skinemax

After Dark Horrorfest 4: Lake Mungo (Review)

As I mentioned before, I'm reviewing all the After Dark Horrorfest 4 movies on UGO.com. I've made up a hub for all my reviews. Keep checking back as it will be updated once the reviews go live on UGO.com.

Here's a little excerpt from my review of Lake Mungo.

"I must admit, Lake Mungo was not on my must-see radar when reviewing the After Dark Horrorfest movies. But this is the hidden gem beneath the proverbial sand of the eight films. I was exceptionally surprised at how great the movie was and amazed that it didn’t slowly evolve into a cheap Paranormal Activity gimmick. The trailer and poster are very misleading and you may be convinced you’re seeing a midnight movie set to deliver jolts of jump scares.

I am here to say jump scares be damned."

Read the rest of the review by heading to UGO.com.

Categories: after dark, after dark horrorfest 2010, after dark horrorfest 4, after dark horrorfest boxset, australian horror, horrorfest, miss horrorfest, paranormal activity, the blair witch project

After Dark Horrorfest 4: The Graves (Review)

As I mentioned before, I'm reviewing all the After Dark Horrorfest 4 movies on UGO.com. I've made up a hub for all my reviews. Keep checking back as it will be updated once the reviews go live on UGO.com.

Here's a little excerpt from my review of The Graves.

"How could a movie that consisted of hot girls in tank tops with bouncy cleavage and two horror titans, Bill Moseley and Tony Todd end up a worthless pile of crap?

The Graves is completely clichéd, annoying, repetitive and cheesy. And that's me being nice."

Read the rest of the review by heading to UGO.com.

Categories: after dark, after dark horrorfest 2009, after dark horrorfest 2010, after dark horrorfest 4, after dark horrorfest boxset, bill moseley, horrorfest, miss horrorfest

After Dark Horrorfest 4: Zombies of Mass Destruction (Review)

As I mentioned before, I'm reviewing all the After Dark Horrorfest 4 movies on UGO.com. I've made up a hub for all my reviews. Keep checking back as it will be updated once the reviews go live on UGO.com.

Here's a little excerpt from my review of Zombies of Mass Destruction.

"The zom com has been riding a high of late. Gone is your traditional slow moving scare em shoot em up zombie horror. It's been replaced by parodying self aware zombie comedies of late. So Zombies of Mass Destruction enters the fray into this subgenre. Is it as good as the Zombieland or Shaun of the Dead?

C'mon now. Of course not. But it's a damn fun ride."

Read the rest of the review by heading to UGO.com.

Categories: 8 films to die for, after dark, after dark horrorfest 2009 reviews, after dark horrorfest 2010, after dark horrorfest 4, after dark horrorfest boxset, horrorfest, miss horrorfest, zombies

After Dark Horrorfest 4: The Final (Review)

As I mentioned before, I'm reviewing all the After Dark Horrorfest 4 movies on UGO.com. I've made up a hub for all my reviews. Keep checking back as it will be updated once the reviews go live on UGO.com.

Here's a little excerpt from my review of The Final.

"The best way to describe The Final is its Saw 90210. In a typical suburban high school, a group of self aware misfits and outcasted teens devise a plan (based on horror movies, oh how self aware!) to take revenge on the jocks, popular douchbags and mean girls. Inviting them to a costume party, the partygoers are drugged and when they wake up are cuffed and chained together. Suffice it say, our teen outcasts are gonna get medieval"

Read the rest of the review by heading to UGO.com.

Categories: 8 films to die for, after dark, after dark horrorfest 2009 reviews, after dark horrorfest 4, after dark horrorfest boxset, horrorfest, miss horrorfest, saw

After Dark Horrorfest 4: Killing Theory (Review)

As I mentioned before, I'm reviewing all the After Dark Horrorfest 4 movies on UGO.com. I've made up a hub for all my reviews. Keep checking back as it will be updated once the reviews go live on UGO.com.

Here's a little excerpt from my review of Kill Theory.

"Kill Theory is not great but compared to the others, it's pretty solid. The premise is an intriguing one. The movie poses the question: What would you do to survive if given the choice to either kill your friends in order to live. The answer plays out as slightly cliched and is executed in the most extreme way possible. And somehow it came out five by five."

Read the rest of the review by heading to UGO.com.

Categories: 8 films to die for, after dark, after dark horrorfest 2009 reviews, after dark horrorfest 4, after dark horrorfest boxset, horrorfest, miss horrorfest, slasher films

After Dark Horrorfest IV (Reviews)

Last year I saw 7 of the 8 films c/o of UGO.com who asked me to review them all. Well this year they asked me to do it again and I squeamishly obliged. The last few movies I've seen via After Dark were mediocre at best. I even had a horrible time watching Perkins 14 at the theater. I gotta admit I enjoyed making fun of the films but that can only go so far. I really wanted to see some good films this year.

One can hope.

So this be the database for all my reviews for After Dark Horrorfest 4. I'll post a link for each movie review that heads over to UGO.com. Most of these reviews are short (350 words or less). It's not my usual style to use letter grades and not use serious amounts of profanity but they all have that quirky dialogue you're all use to if your a frequent visitor to the jaded viewer.

I'll post each review preview on the blog as well me thinks. Well that's enough yapping, click on a link below to review!

1. Dread
2. The Final
   
3. Hidden
4. Kill Theory
   
5. Lake Mungo
6. The Graves
7. The Reeds
   
8. Zombies of Mass Destruction
   

All the trailers can be found here in case you want to take a look. Please leave a comment on UGO and let me know what you thought as well.

Categories: 8 films to die for, after dark, after dark horrorfest 2010, after dark horrorfest 4, after dark horrorfest boxset, horrorfest, miss horrorfest

After Dark Horrorfest 4 (Trailers)

Will any of these 8 movies actually be good? After watching 7 of the 8 movies from Horrorfest 3, I can say all of them were scratch your eyeballs bad. The shit I went through after seeing Perkins 14 summarizes this at its worst.

But 2010 is a new year and we have a new batch of movies. So like I did before, I've posted as many of the trailers I could find for all the movies below. Also included are my thoughts on each of them solely based on the trailer.

Which of these do you think might actually be worth forking over a few bucks to see? I say none of them but that's the jaded viewer in me.

1.) Zombies of Mass Destruction




the jaded viewer says: Really? A political zomedy? Umm..err..I thought the zombie genre died in 2009? Could be like Dance of the Dead, could be utter crap. I'd go with the latter.

2.) The Reeds




the jaded viewer says: Oversexed teens vacation turned into survivor horror. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Yawn-o-rama.

3.) The Final




the jaded viewer says: The Breakfast Club meets torture porn. That was inevitable. Do high school teenagers even bully anymore? I mean when you see shit like this, I'd be scared out of my mind. Could be yay, more than likely it will be nay.

4.) Hidden aka Skjult




the jaded viewer says: I don't even know what they're saying and I can tell this is gonna suck. Oooh crazy images mixed with fancy editing and tons of bass. This is Norwegian (I think After Dark got this because they thought this might be Dead Snow 2)

5.) Dread



the jaded viewer says: You think the Twilight tweens will come en masse to see this because somebody from that flick is in it? OMG, this looks like MTV produced web series like crap. Oooh what's your fear? My fear is I'll accidentally see this. This looks like the worst of the lineup.

6.) Lake Mungo




the jaded viewer says: Making sure they are not left off of the Paranormal Activity bandwagon, After Dark picks up Lake Mungo. Yuppers folks. It's a faux documentary about ghosts and paranormal blah blah blah. Sometimes its too late to catch the wake of the shaky camp ghost flicks. Too little, too late Lake Mungo. WTF is a Mungo?

7.) The Graves



the jaded viewer says: Hot girls, road trip, evil possessed town, Bill Moseley and Tony Todd. Oh sure it looks like it might be good. It looks yummy but when you bite into it it's gonna taste like feces. From the trailer, this might actually be the best of all the flicks. But I've been wrong so many times. I can't tell anymore.

8.) TBD

To be announced

OK horror minions. Is there even one film in these 7 flicks so far that might be worth seeing? In any case, head over to the official After Dark Horrorfest site for more plot summaries and stills. They've also got a Facebook, MySpace and a Twitter pages.

After Dark Horrorfest will be in theaters from January 29, 2010 to February 4, 2010.

Categories: after dark, after dark horrorfest 2009 reviews, after dark horrorfest 2010, after dark horrorfest 3, after dark horrorfest 4, horrorfest

Slaughter (Review)

Slaughter

Slaughter (2009)

Directed by Stewart Hopewell

More boring than continental drift, comes Slaughter, a movie that makes it a point to expose you with boring gas for 90 or so straight minutes. I can usually take pointless horror films, because honestly I’ve seen worse. But Slaughter takes a while to heat up and at that point you don’t care.

The story revolves around a young woman who is looking to escape her abusive boyfriend by moving to a friend's farm near Atlanta. Her new friend is a slutty goldigger but as our final girl soon discovers something sinister with her friend’s family.

There a few twists and turns, something Ed Wood would be proud of. But by the end you want to be slaughtered yourself. Don’t kid yourself. You’ve seen this movie before. It was called High Tension (but without the twist). It was trying to mimic that Eli Roth feel but when your characters are blah and your plot is non existent, it all turns into a mess. And for a movie that calls itself Slaughter, you’d think there would be more scenes of that.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Crazy dental surgery
Hanging
Gunshot to the stomach

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Women in tight t-shirts

WTF moment

No way was this based on a true story

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I knew there was a reason this was #6 on my must watch After Dark Horrorfest movies of 2009.
Because I knew it was sucked. Was the Butterfly Effect better than this? Jeezus, it might actually have been.


Rating:
The Trailer





Tags:
after dark horrorfest, after dark horrorfest 2009 , slaughter , 8 films to die for, horrorfest, after dark horrorfest 2009 trailers, slaughter review, gratuitous nudity, horror movies of 2009, after dark horrorfest 2009 reviews,

Categories: 8 films to die for, after dark, after dark horrorfest 2009, after dark horrorfest 2009 reviews, after dark horrorfest 3, after dark horrorfest boxset, slaughter, slaughter review

After Dark Horrorfest III: 2009 (Reviews)

Today all the After Dark Horrorfest movies come out on DVD. It's a wide variety of horror subgenres ranging from cannibals, dopplegangers, witchcraft and time travel.

Honestly, most of these movies kinda suck.

So to spare you the "should I Netlfix or *gasp* even purchase" some of these movies, I will put all my reviews right in this post.

So this week is After Dark Horrorfest review week at the jaded viewer.

So far I've reviewed 3 of the 8 films to die for. I'll have the rest of them coming up this week as well.

Sometimes I question the After Dark's committee selection. Did they even watch these films? They are more like 8 films to stay away from.

Check out the reviews

1.) Autopsy (Review)
2.) The Broken (Review)
3.) The Butterfly Effect: Revelations (Review)
4.) Dying Breed (Review)
5.) From Within (Review)
6.) Perkins 14 (Review)
7.) Slaughter (Review)
8.) Voices (coming soon!)

Categories: 8 films to die for, after dark, after dark horrorfest 2009, after dark horrorfest 2009 reviews, after dark horrorfest 3, dying breed, from within, perkins 14, slaughter, the broken

After Dark Horrorfest 2007: Mulberry Street (Review)

Mulberry Street

Mulberry Street (2006)

Directed by Jim Mickle

28 Days of the Diary of the Clover-Rats.

If George A. Romero made a zombie-verse and Matt Reeves made an alien monster world, director Jim Mickle has made a rat monster utopia in Mulberry Street. It’s by far the better of the 3 movies either director made this year.

With a guerilla, docu-style and the nitty gritty look of NYC’s Mulberry Street as his backdrop, Mickle takes us into an apocalyptic city nightmare come true. Because as every New Yorker knows, the 2 things we hate the most are tourists and rats.

Our main “Ben” (aka lead character from NOTLD) is Clutch, a former boxer who lives in an apartment on Mulberry Street (it’s the main street in NYC’s Little Italy). With his friend Coco, they eagerly await for Clutch’s daughter Casey to return home from Iraq. We also meet the other tenants in this dilapidated complex, Charlie and Frank who are a couple of old timers and Kay, a bartender and her son.

It’s never explained what caused the “sickness” that is making every New Yorker slowly turn into rat creatures but that’s not important. What is important is that we see a depiction of real New Yorkers dealing with a supernatural threat and basically doing what we always do, survive. There is no nauseating shaky camera, no annoying hipster looking for their girlfriend and no film students trying to film something so they can post it on YouTube.

What we do have is seeing the pseudo-realistic media coverage of a threat and the response to it with some very chilling scenes of attacks from a mass of rat infected zombies.

I know what you’re saying. Really? Rat creatures?

It’s not as cheesy as it sounds. The infected don’t develop RAGE like super strength or quickness but become, well more psychopathic and ratty. And boy are these creatures hungry and bloodthirsty. The tenants have to pummel and kick and fight thru the city streets in order to survive. These are all fast paced and suspenseful scenes and are quite well done.

Mulberry Street uses the same genre conventions of a Living Dead or a 28 Days Later. And even though they may be assembly line tricks of the trade, they work.

And that’s the fun of Mulberry Street.

Jim Mickle also takes a page from Romero’s satire handbook by not so subtly commentating on the world, post 9/11. More specifically, the slow government response to a Severe Red Theat Level event (the President was in Bermuda!) is an obvious crack at the government’s reaction and response to Hurricane Katrina.

The only negatives are that the movie does look a little like a 99 cents store. The acting was very plausible though the dialogue was a little dry. The special effects seemed to be Sci-Fi channel-ish and the darkness blurred many scenes into utter static. But on a meager budget, Mickle used quick shots, music video style editing and a couple of good gory bloodbaths to get his point across.

Mulberry Street is the biggest gem in the After Dark Horrorfest catalog. So if you didn’t like the zombie or giant lobster monster movies you watched this year, maybe enter the cannibal-rat monster-verse, it’s a cheesy movie you probably might like.

As this was a DVD, I was able to watch the extras as well. Here's a recap.

The Extras:

The extras are pretty bland in comparison to the movie. There are storyboards, 2 deleted scenes which pretty much sums up that most of the cut is the finished product. Also included are director’s Jim Mickle’s early sketches of scenes and of the rat monsters (which would make great background wallpaper). There are makeup tests which are hilarious as you can see the evolution of what the rat creatures were to become. Also, there are behind the scenes of ratty munching and outtakes which are always funny as this is a horror film about rat infected humans.

Finally there are behind the scenes of the rats that are featured predominately in the movie. From the looks of it rats never follow their cues and are so demanding with their list of outrageous demands.

Included in all of the After Dark Horrorfest DVDs are the Miss Horrorfest Contest webisodes. Think Surreal Life meets the Misfits. It’s a VH1 version of the Suicide Girls.

Rating:

The Trailer:



Tags:
mulberry street, jim mickle , little italy , rat creatures, rat monsters , cloverfield, diary of the dead,
after dark horrorfest, mulberry street trailer

Categories: after dark, after dark horrorfest 2008, cloverfield, diary of the dead, horrorfest, jim mickle, little italy, mulberry street, mulberry street trailer, nyc rat monsters, rat creatures, rat monsters

After Dark Horrorfest 2008

After Dark Horrorfest 2008 is taking place this week.

These may be overhyped and glorified Sci-Fi Channel movies but they are all intriguing.

Bloody Disgusting has reviewed all of them (not very positive)

The list is below.

1.) The Deaths of Ian Stone
2.) Nightmare Man
3.) Crazy Eights
4.) Unearthed
5.) Borderland
6.) Mulberry Street
7.) Tooth and Nail
8.) Lake Dead

Categories: after dark, after dark horrorfest 2008, horrorfest