The WTF List: Machete (Review)

In the YouTube clip I posted on Friday it says Danny Trejo has played a killer in 62 movies. He's played a rapist in 25 movies. And he's played a killer who is a rapist in 19 movies. Talk about being typecast.

But that's all over now for Danny Trejo. He is Machete and boy can he fuck up people badly as a good guy as he does a bad guy. Machete is mega-tastic and hits on all cylinders. As a grindhouse/exploitation film, as an action film and as a comedy. It even works as Skinemax!

It's bar none one of the best movies this year. Full of the Times Square grindyness I adore it has so many WTF moments you can't help but fuckin applaud. Robert Rodriguez takes the Tarantino formula into exteeeminess, pure of adrenaline knife slaughter, side Jessica Alba boobage and a stoned out Lindsay Lohan.

I originally debated which would be better Machete or the Expendables? Over the weekend, I saw both and Machete wins on all counts.

Is there more to say? Yes there is so on to the WTF List!

1.) Machete's opening slaughter is magnificio!
2.) I love the 6 million dollar man sound effects for Seagal's katana
3.) These McLaughlin ads are not too far off from the real thing....thanks Arizona.
4.) A couple of shots from the fake Grindhouse trailer didn't make it into the movie (but most of it)
5.) Jeezus Jessica Alba is fuckin hawt
6.) Jeezus Michelle Rodriguez is fuckin hawt
7.) I was in Austin a few weeks ago...I didn't know a race war would happen so soon
8.) Jeff Fahey is so good as a bad guy...it was hard for me to see him Lost as Lapidus
9.) The intenstines scene is so fuckin bad ass I just shit in my pants
10.) The bullet stopped the other bullet...fuckin brilliant!
11.) Machete...you so the ladies man!
12.) Yummy side boobage from Jessica Alba
13.) Oh boy...can you believe we're seeing a race war in a movie?
14.) Seagal is playing a Mexican who thinks he's Japanese
15.) Everything doesn't make any sense....just like a true grindhouse movie!
16.) Everytime I see a shot from the original trailer, it gives me a happy
17.) Cheech kicks ass for the Lord
18.) Don Johnson is damn good as a white supremacist
19.) Torrez vs Machete was ehhhh...whoa....WTF?
20.) Don't fuck with the myth!

**********************************

A very fun flick where you can turn off your brain and laugh at the insanity. I'm sure Machete was a big hit in Arizona. Should Machete have been an hour and 40? Of course not. But somehow it went by mega fast. The CGI blood and guts were sometimes a little too obvious but forgivable as that's what R.R. does.

Oh btw...Machete don't text.

Rating:
Check out the original grindhouse trailer below!

Categories: danny trejo, exploitation, exploitation film, grindhouse, jessica alba, machete, quentin tarantino, robert rodriguez

Machete's Danny Trejo is one bad ass Mexican!!!

Obviously Machete comes out today and it's on everybody's must see list. But taking a look at Danny Trejo's long and illustrious career, there is one common theme: He's a "That Guy" in the villain Hall of Fame. And whenever he showed up you could count on a few things:

• He is going to kill somebody
  
• He is going to look badass doing it
• He is going to die in the most gruesome way possible
  

So playing the hero is going to be new for all of us. Even in his most recent film, Predators he was a Mexican cartel enforcer who of course dies horribly. Not a lot of people could tell you while watching a Trejo film who this now most recognizable actor is. Your first reaction upon seeing Trejo onscreen was probably like mine: "OMG! It's the dude from From Dusk Til Dawn!!"

But with Machete, we're going to get to see more Danny than the usually allotted 15 minutes of his screen time. And I have to tell you I'm psyched to see he's getting his due in a leading role. But let's stop the motherfuckin praise and see this bad ass Mexican in action.

I've compiled a few of the best compilations found on YouTube for your pre-Machete enjoyment.

Danny Trejo killing robots in Eyeborgs! "You binary bastards!"





Danny Trejo fuckin people up in "Desperado"





Danny Trejo kills a teddy bear.





Danny Trejo snorts coke and kills hot naked women.





Danny Trejo mows the lawn.





Danny Trejo can make a big blockbuster grindhouse movie and in the same year make a low budget grindhouse movie. He is fuckin awesome.





And finally, a solid mashup just in time for his new role as the "GOOD GUY".





Congrats Danny Trejo! It was about time you killed the rapists and the killers while playing a rapist killer. Don't mess with the Trejo motherfucker.

Categories: danny trejo, exploitation film, eyeborgs, grindhouse, machete, mexican border, mexico, quentin tarantino, Revenge movie, robert rodriguez

The WTF List: Predators

In the sweltering heat, what better way to get cool by watching the action summer movies. As we get into action-palooza, I figure I'd get in the mood by watching Predators. I wasn't expecting much but 64% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes convinced me to give it a try. So let's head over to the game preserve with a WTF list.

1.) They're not even fuckin around, drop em in and lets get slaughtering
2.) Adrien Brody makes artsy fartsy movies doesn't he?
3.) Danny fuckin Trejo is a Mexican enforcer? This is like a totally new role he's never had to play before
4.) OK so we got a Ruskie, a Yakuza, an ex Con, token blood diamond slavemaster, Israeli sniper hottie, Eric from That 70s Show and Brody. Odds token black guy dies first. 2:1.
5.) Predators dogs are like Star Wars reject pets
6.) Predator vision has not improved since the 80s.
7.) Gratuitous reference to Ah-nuhld! You'd think the Predators would want revenge on Dutch and transport him to the preserve.
8.) It's not a Predators movie without a guy with a mini-gun.
9.) Jeezus. Topher Grace is one whiny bitch.
10.) OMG! Is that other alien target Species 8472?!?
11.) Hello crazy Laurence Fisburne
12.) Goodbye crazy Laurence Fisburne
13.) Original Predator vs Uber Predator. It's not as climactic as I was hoping.
14.) That twist was lame .
15.) Yakuza vs Predator! Awesome! This is the best scene in the entire movie.
16.) Dude. Is that CGI on Adrien Brody body?
17.) Well looky here, he went all Dutch.
18.) None of the characters are that memorable as in the original and there aren't as many memorable lines.
19.) Seriously...how would Brody know how to fly a Predators ship if he was able to hijack one???
20.) If we had to tally Predators vs Human matchups, it would look something like this: Predators: 30,492 Humans: 3

All in all, Predators was a decent action movie that let me cool off for a few hours. It's hard to live up to the original and even Danny Glover's drive by Predator 2 is good to watch on TBS from time to time. Only time will tell if Predators will rounds out this trilogy for the better.


Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Categories: 80s action, action cinema, danny trejo, predator, predators, robert rodriguez

Eyeborgs (Trailer)

While your hoping for Danny Trejo to make Machete, where you CAN actually see him is in a new movie called Eyeborgs.

I never thought they'd bring back the robot gadgets slasher flick back from its 80s grave, but anything is possible now.

Here be the plot synopsis.

After a terrorist attack on US soil, the government intensifies it's surveillance, installing a far reaching network of cameras called the ODIN (Optical Defense Intelligence Network) system. An agent for the Department of Homeland Security becomes suspicious when the physical evidence of a murder does not match what is shown by the network. With the help of a broadcast journalist and a punk rocker he attempts to put a stop to a plot to assassinate the president.

The trailer looks Skynet cheesy but Adrian Paul and Danny Trejo smashing cyborg surveillance peepers has got to be hilarious. I especially like the over the top action soundtrack with gratuitous explosion.

"You binary bastards!!!!"

Now check out the teaser and full trailer (courtesy of Twitch)










Tags:
eyeborgs, eyeborgs trailer , eyeborgs poster , eyeborgs teaser, danny trejo, cyborgs, robot, gratuitous nudity, top movies of 2008, twitch, horror blog,killer robots, the jaded viewer

Categories: adrian paul, cyborgs, danny trejo, eyeborgs, eyeborgs teaser, eyeborgs trailer, robocop, skynet, terminator the sarah connor chronicles