Sometimes you gotta break the monotony of horror-core posts with a feature that puts a smile on every alpha male's face (sorry girls, I'm pandering to my skewed male demographic). So after watching the 2MM plus YouTube views of a certain body wash "balls" commercial, I realized there were a lot of hotties with the first name Jaime or Jamie. You wouldn't think off hand there would be, but compiling 5 actresses or models was pretty easy.
So I've listed a Top 5 of the hottest actresses with that name in entertainment. No no, no need to thank me. I'm here to to put what all you red blooded male Americans are all thinking on the interwebs.
Onwards to the list!
5.) Jamie-Lyn Sigler
Where you've seen her: Meadow Soprano is all grown up but still can't park correctly. Let's forgive her for that already ok?
4.) Jaime Bergman
Where you've seen her: I remember seeing Jaime Bergman on an episode of Angel (where she met her now husband David Boreanaz) but she's been a Playboy Playmate and has had a variety of appearances on TV and movies.
3.) Jamie Chung
Where you've seen her: Former MTV Real World reality star, Jamie Chung is now infiltrating Hollywood with her Asian hotness. She was in Samurai Girl and Dragonball Evolution and now will star in Sucker Punch and Premium Rush.
2.) Jaime King
Where you've seen her: Horror wise, she was in My Bloody Valentine 3D (not looking smokin hot), They Wait and stars in the remake of Mother's Day. She's also been in tons of TV shows, Sin City and a new TV show called My Generation.
1.) Jaime Pressly
Where you've seen her: If you haven't seen a naked picture of Jaime Pressly, you're not looking hard enough. She starred in a string of Skinemax flicks and teen comedies before making it big in hits like My Name is Earl and that Axe commercial I was talking about. Now she plays the hottest white trash characters I've ever seen.
Jaime Pressly is the obvious #1 bar none.
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Did I miss any others? Maybe, so if you wanna chime in on a few other Jaimes, let me know. I think the next version will be hottest "Jena's". I've got a few names on that one too.
[this review is brought to you by Insano Steve who threw his 3D glasses at the screen at the end of the movie]
So, last week I saw "My Bloody Valentine" (in amazing 3D!). The thing is, I should know better, and I really do know better.
But I just can't help it. I'm hype's bitch.
The deal was the jaded viewer and I would go see either "Notorious" or this shit, whichever one got better reviews. Surprisingy, Valentine won 58% to 53%.
This movie was selling out theatres, which is quite rare for horror. However, that is actually a bad sign. Any horror movie that can cross over and appeal to mainstream viewers is likely gonna be cheezy and dumb, with all those WB-type actors. But hey man, .... this shit's in 3D!
Boring Plot-O-Matic
"Plot": 10 years ago, the usual ignorant teens are getting drunk in a mine, when some psycho miner kills a bunch of them and leaves the rest scarred for life. The cops kill psycho, but the town's kinda small and shitty so they never got over it. One of the surviving teens, Tom, freaks out, and leaves town. The "actor" who plays Tom is just awful. Anyhow, 10 years later (hey, that's present day!), Tom comes back to the shit-town, to try to hook up with his old girlfriend, who's now married to the douchebag sheriff.
But alas, as soon as Tom returns, people start getting killed again, miner-style.
Did the psycho rise from the dead? Could the killer be Tom or the douche sheriff? Maybe the black deputy is the killer? Has the killer EVER been a black guy? Is Tom the worst fucking actor I've ever seen? Will we get to see tits in 3D?
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Let's take a look at the only three (3D!) things to know about this movie:
1.) T&A (aka Nud-ipedia)
First off, in a slasher movie like this, no amount of T&A is 'gratuitious'. Quite to the contrary, it is in fact essential to the movie's success. Here, we get a mildly attractive blonde who is buck naked her entire time on screen (top and bottom!), which is quite funny when you think of it. Alas, she is the only 3 dimensional breasts we get to see.
The problem I had here was, if you were going to promise the audience 3D tits, you really want them to be a spectacular pair. Instead, we get a B cup. You would think they could find something better bouncing around Hollywood. Besides that, nobody else got naked.
The douchebag sheriff's mistress, Megan, is pretty hot but she is unfortunately clothed throughout. The survivor girl, Jaime King (who is famous though I'm not sure why), is 30 years old, and she looks it. And as we all know by now, the survivor girl is never hot, and she never gets naked. Though I get the feeling she probably could've played the hot slut girl 5-10 years ago.
Thankfully, there are no scenes of man ass in this, which has become a disturbing trend in recent films. What I don't understand is, why it's always gotta be a survivor girl?
Why no survivor dude?
If a slasher stalked another dude, would that make him gay? Are there gay slasher films? Some kinda psycho-social symbolism I'm missing here.
2) Gore (aka Goreipedia)
This flick delivers some decent kills. The psycho miner guy uses his ax/pick thing to fuck up the towns folk pretty good. A little variety in killing tools would've been nice, but I suspect they were trying to franchise this series and the weapon had to be really branded (a sequel is shamelessly hinted at).
There's a bunch of evisceration as you'd expect, a loose eyeball, and your standard decapitations. My favorite death was some guy getting his face ripped off by the jaw. Kudos to the bucket of blood thrown against a wall (so 1980s!). Good balance of quantity and quality in kills, although nothing truly special, considering how high the gore bar's been raised these days.
What's pretty silly is the killer in this movie, appears to be around 6 foot 8, and 260 pounds. He runs about about 4.3 40 yard dash (all off camera, mind you) and is strong enough to cut through solid bone with ease. He's like the Lebron James of slashers.
The movie never really explains why psycho dude always wears a gas mask. Does he have emphysema? Is he horribly disfigured? Mutant?
And, does he live in the mine when he's not killing? What does he eat? He must eat the victims afterward, right? There can't be any food source inside the mine, ....
3) 3D
This is why I wanted to see this. In every other way, this movie is another dime-a-dozen crap horror film. But the 3D really suckered everybody in (me included).
At first, it feels real trippy seeing the 3 dimensions. But it starts to feel really gimmicky quick. For instance, some dude is walking in the foreground and there's shit in the background, and they appear on different planes of your vision. Pretty cool but kinda pointless. You just wait for the kills and see how they utilize the trick.
Also, after a while I got used to the 3D and it loses it's novelty. They had to slow down the action for you to notice the 3D effect too.
By the end, it started giving me a headache. And it's not like the 3D is that amazing. I was kinda expecting the stuff to literally fly out of the screen like in the commercial. I had read that the 3D gore would 'kick my ass', and the 3D nudity was so good, I could "cop a feel". Shit would change my life.
Not quite.
Nope, more like the 3D stuff sorta hovered a foot over the screen, nothing more.
My life remains unchanged.
WTF moment
Some dude in the theatre actually ducked when psycho miner threw his axe. I was like "cmon dude, you gotta be kidding." Guy was very likely on drugs though.
Insano Steve's Final Prognosis
In the end, it just don't add up to much. Some people actually clapped at the end of the movie!
Really? Clapping? For "My Bloody Valentine 3D?" Like they just saw "Shawshank Redemption" or something.
Maybe my expectations were too high for shit like this. It did have some fun moments. But what can I say, I've seen movies suck in 2D. I've seen movies suck in HD. Now I've seen them suck in 3D. And the shit was $14.25. If only "Notorious" was filmed in 3D, hmmm, .....
Rating:
(2 spinkicks that look like 3 spinkicks from a distance)
After watching the opening scene of They Wait and after the intro credits started to roll, up came the foreboding credit of:
Executive Producer
Uwe Boll
I should have just shut off the movie right then and there. But I knew what I was getting into. I knew a film based on Chinese mythos and ghost stories would be your typical The Ring-like dash and scare.
But dammit, it had the hotness that is Jaime King. And the there's this clip I saw where she gets into the shower and gets spooked. So I spent the next 80 minutes hoping that this would turn into a very good American remake ala The Ring.
And I kept waiting. And waiting. And freakin waiting.
I'm still fuckin waiting.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
A young mother and her six-year-old son come face to face with the mysteries of two murders and a great crime against the Chinese community into which they have recently arrived from Shanghai. Awesome Review-O-Matic
Before I review, let me answer all your most important and pertinent questions about this flick.
1.) Are you telling me that in They Wait, Jaime King is married to a Chinese dude?
A: Fuck yeah. Kudos to the filmmakers for making all Asian guys think they have a chance to score with Jaime King.
2.) So you're telling me when some Chinese dude and Jaime King have an offspring, it looks like a 100% Chinese kid?
A: Yes. Not even a hint of any Caucasian genes is in this kid. Look at the pic below. Is that kid even look like he's from a mixed marriage?????
3.) OK, I just want to watch this movie because I heard there is a Jaime King shower scene. Does she get naked?
A: Well naked is a relative term. It looks like she is naked, but you don't see shit. It's like the Jessica Alba scene in The Eye. Fuckin big tease. Check out the scene here.
4.) So just tell me already, this is like the Ring right?
A: Yup. Hot blonde with son tries to stop a ancient spirits of evil from killing her family. She needs to uncover the deep dark secret the family has covered up so that the spirits can rest. Yada yada yada.
5.) Are you sure the hot blonde isn't Sarah Michelle Gellar?
A: Hold on let me check the DVD box again.......nope. It's Jaime King.
6.) I read other reviews and they said there were scary moments and big chills. Is that true?
A: Those people are fuckin idiots. This wouldn't scare an ass out of a hole.
7.) Is this film Canadian?
A: Yeah. Hey. Hosers.
8.) Is there any gore or splatter that would make this film even worth putting on my Netflix queue?
A: Let's see. A tree bleeds. Meat cleaver in the head. Some bones and skulls. Nothing that I can think of.
9.) Will there ever be a good Asian movie that can be remade for Western audiences?
A: Not really. You might as well rent or buy the originals. Read the english subtitles. It's not going to kill you. These movies were made for their core audience for that particular country. They are on the most basic levels movies about the fear of the supernatural in all of us. Wow that sounded like a real review.
10.) So what exactly are they waiting for?
A: I think for the movie to end.
To sum it up, Jaime King basically emotes alot and tries to rid her 100% Chinese son from these demons. A few CGI scares and some flashbacky ending later, you really can't believe this was a DVD movie and not some episode of Fear Itself or a segement of Masters of Horror.
Influences
The Ring The Grudge Every other J-horror movie Every other Thai-horror movie Every other Chinese-horror movie
Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)
A hatchet through the head (didn't I write that already?)
Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)
So close to seeing some Jaime King boobies. But trust me, in a few years we'll be seeing her do Skinemax soon enough. WTF moment Why didn't I just turn this off in the beginning?
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
I really should have shut off the flick after seeing the gratuitous Jaime King shower scene. But I was so intrigued by the premise that she was married to this Chinese dude and had a kid that was 100% Chinese I kept watching. I thought they'd explain it. Like it was a kid from the husband's 1st marriage or that he was adopted. I wanted a fuckin explanation for this.
So I kept waiting. And waiting.
Trust me, you don't want to wait this fuckin long.