Two movies come out today. Sure, I know 99.9% of you are going to see the remake today. But the 0.1% of the horror-verse will go see another movie...one I'm waaaaay fuckin hyped up to see. Yup. Today we go to the doctors office and see The Human Centipede.
So I've compiled some links from the jaded viewer archives for both movies to get you hyped up for both. My thoughts? I've already seen a child molester kill teens in their sleep. Been there, done that.
I've never seen a deranged doctor surgically connect humans from their mouth to an anus. It was an easy choice.
But these guys want your movie bucks. Make your choice.
I must be the luckiest man in NYC. Somehow the stars aligned again and after I got to see an early screening of Kick-Ass, I couldn't believe I got to watch the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street yesterday. April is starting out super awesome!
But my dream turned into a nightmare after I saw this turd of a turd.
Sorry folks, it's a big giant pile of heaping crap.
And I'm not alone. The crowd at the theater was equally vomitus. Towards the middle of the flick during a gratuitous chase scene that lacked any suspense, somebody yelled "Freddy you suck!" At this point everybody applauded, laughed and tossed their remaining refreshments at the screen.
I too joined in. So why the unhappiness for our Dream Master? Let's find out with a Q&A.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
A re-imagining of the horror icon Freddy Krueger, a serial-killer who wields a glove with four blades embedded in the fingers and kills people in their dreams, resulting in their real death in reality.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
This NOES remake doesn't even deserve 10 Q&As so I'm going with 5. Let's get crackin!
1.) I heard Freddy Kreuger is in this and only has 1st degree burns. He also has "a different outfit" he wears other than the sweater, fedora and glove. Is this true?
Yes folks. The burnage is sad to say the least. It's like Freddy got singed by boiling water. The makeup here is atrocious. And the different outfit is true my horror minions. He wears an almost clownlike "alternate" outfit towards the end of the flick.
My jaw dropped. The bastardization of Freddy had only yet begun.
2.) So how's the new Nancy? I heard she gets naked in that bathtub scene and you see boobage. So is it a shot by shot remake from the original scene?
You see some side boobage but the other good solid nudity comes from Skinemax stars playing high school cheerleaders. You'd think this scene would be solid but Platinum Dunes spins this into a dream sequence that is littered with cliches. From mirror scares, to hallucination scares to some cackling and those damn kids jumping rope, this entire scene and movie could be labeled "CLICHED HORROR MOVIE" by the Dharma Initiative.
3.) Damn man, wasn't there anything good in this flick? C'mon the gore and splatter are fuckin A right? I heard Freddy performs some ocular trauma on an unsuspecting nerd.
Dude, the 2 words I hate to hear in any horror flick are in full effect here: CGI gore. Sigh. I mean this CGI gore makes Diary of the Dead look like Savini effects. Sure you get some solid dream deaths, one in particular involving a locker that you don't want to open as well as Jesse getting some much needed R&R to hell. But Freddy's actual kills with the beloved glove are the worst since Revenge. You have an awesome weapon and they underutilize it here.
4.) Is Freddy going to go all Stand Up Improv or will he make me pee in my pants?
Haley is horrible as Kreuger. Some of the one-liners are flat and his scary-tude is non existent. But that's not the worst part...oh no folks.
Here we go with the giant screaming head twist!
FREDDY KREUGER IS INNOCENT!!!!
Yup he didn't molest or kill those kids. I'm not going to tell you who really did it but this is why the audience was going bonkers. They singlehandidly destroyed the mythos in 90 minutes. Why or why Platinum Dunes?!?! You sonnavabitch.
Gore-ipedia
Not even gonna get into this. I mean it had 100% CGI gore. That doesn't count.
WTF moment
Umm dude he's innocent.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
OK, my last Q&A is below. Scroll down after the picture if you want to read a BIG ASS SPOILER. Seriously, you'll want to read this.
Rating:
0 Spinkicks!!!
5.) Is this review one big April Fool's joke?
Oh yeah. 100%. I didn't see the movie and I have no idea what the fuck happens. Shit, the flick could have unicorns as far as I know. In any case dude, if Freddy turns out innocent we all should riot.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Did I fool you? You should no better....it's April fuckin first.
OK, you've all seen the trailer by now. What?!? You haven't? Have you been stuck in South Dakota again? Jeezus. OK, for your viewing pleasure, I've posted it below.
OK let's start to shred this one with random thoughts shall we?
0:21
Where the hell is he running too? Head to the boiler room pronto!
0:22
Damn, Freddy Kreuger is fast for a child molester.
0:29
We get our first "Hey, It's That Guy". Clancy Brown (Sgt Zim from Starship Troopers and other That Guy roles) is the lead parent mob dude.
0:32
Hmm maybe Freddy never actually did molest or kill those kids (Freddy Kreuger FAIL)
0:41
Ahh the green and red colors that don't run...that rocked
0:47
Michael Bay. Sigh
0:50
Yeah it's the jump roping kids. Sing it!!!
0:55
This is our new Nancy? She's got the girl next door look but I'd rather just stare at Megan Fox
0:57
It's gratuitous internet wallpaper! 1024x768 please.
0:59
From Wall Street to Elm Street
1:02
1..2...Freddy is coming for you...wait was that just sung by Taylor Swift? I don't want to interrupt but that song was better in the original Nightmare on Elm Street
1:05
Blackboards are screaming
1:10
Well they just stole that scene shot for shot with the hand in the tub. There should be a disclaimer at the bottom stating "Property of Wes Craven"
1:12
So John Connor is our new boyfriend Jesse? You aint know Johnny Depp son.
1:15
Really? A car cigarette lighter? Seriously, all you needed to do is drink some Red Bull.
1:16-1:45
Gratuitous quick shot, tightly edited glimpses and death scenes we've seen already in 1984.
1:47
I no like the new font
1:48-1:53
Rorschach? How'd you end up in this? Get Ozymandias now! I've got no problem with the voice...I mean it's not like they're gonna dub in Englund or some shit.
1:53
Down goes the blonde bimbo
1:54
What the fuck is up with our new Freddy Kreuger's face? He's barely got 1st degree burnage here. I'm looking for 6th degrees at least, maybe some decaying tissue and skin falling off, a few blood vessels oozing out. Freddy Kreuger face FAIL.
Overall, they are going back to basics. I am NOT a fan of funny Freddy. I loved when Wes Craven returned Freddy back to his evil of evil in New Nightmare. The first film is so iconic, scary and creative, it's hard to remake this classic.
The teen fodder are MTV award nominees waiting to happen (best death scene anyone) but we'll see how Jackie Earle Haley plays the legend. Because the entire film will depend on whether or not he can pull off what Robert Englund built up. Sorry, you can't overlook that shit. Anybody can don the hockey mask but fuckin Freddy talks....and that's the difference when you put on the red and green, the fedora and the glove.
So to sum it up, I feel blah, ooooohhhh, ugh, wow and hmmm.
OK, I need to know I'm not going crazy. What do you guys think?
Son of 1000 maniacs! Son of 1000 maniacs! Son of 1000 maniacs!
I think I may be the only one who's obsessed with the way slashers get killed at the end of the movie. Because the thing is, after the slasher goes through the motions of slaughtering young, helpless teenagers and getting everything thrown at him to stop his murderous rampage, sometimes the slasher's death becomes really anticlimactic (see the end of Friday the 13th Part VIII)
The one series I'm intrigued by the slasher's death is A Nightmare on Elm Street. Freddy's demise were kinda a letdown don't you think? Some kinda rocked. See my list below on how Freddy eventually "lost" to those damn kids.
What do you guys think? Which one was the worse?
**OBVIOUS FUCKIN SPOILERS IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ANY OF THESE FILMS**
1.) A Nightmare on Elm Street
How Freddy Dies:
The Jaded Viewer says: Freddy doesn't technically "die", more so gets defeated. Sure he gets set on fire and gets boobied into traps. Hell, I'll give Nancy credit for figuring out how to kill Kreuger but really he just vortexed into the bed. For being a really damn scary flick, Freddy's defeat was kinda lame.
2.) A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge
How Freddy Dies:
The Jaded Viewer says: One of my least favorite NOES. It's the old love conquers all cliche! For a sequel, you'd think this would be better or equal to the original. Freddy's death was like a "You killed me with love, but I'm taking him with me" cliched ending.
Love 1 Freddy 0.
3.) A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
How Freddy Dies:
The Jaded Viewer says: One of the best in the series. And the fuckin twist of Nancy FINALLY getting killed by Freddy. But that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about how Freddy dies because of get this...holy water (Freddy even pokes fun at how they've tried to kill him in Part 6). Also, Nancy stabs Freddy with his own glove. Later, Freddy's bones are thrown in a grave and he's ultimately "killed" when a crucifix is placed on his skull.
I gotta agree with Freddy on this one. Holy water?!? How can one even take that attempt seriously? And death by burial of bones was another letdown in the series.
4.) A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master
How Freddy Dies:
The Jaded Viewer says: Well they just stole this shit from Thundercats. I call Freddy's death in Dream Master the Mumm-ra death because he sees a reflection of himself and that's what causes the "souls" little hands to rip him apart. Freddy's death scene is gory and gooey which is a plus. This cause of death is a total deus ex machina, because after holy water, they couldn't think of anything that could really kill him.
5.) A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child How Freddy Dies:
The Jaded Viewer says: Well in this one they we're still running on empty on how to kill Freddy. First they have Jacob (Alice's unborn son) turn on him then the souls get all angry and turn him into a deformed infant which his mommy absorbs into her uterus or some shit. It's just utterly dumb. It doesn't make sense and nobody ever learned from Nancy how to kill him. At this point, they were just improvising Freddy's demise. Good lord, WTF.
6.) Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare
How Freddy Dies:
The Jaded Viewer says: Supposed daughter of Freddy comes back to defeat him. Kudos for using Nancy's methods to bring him into the real world but the big, climactic battle we thought we'd see is non existent. C'mon she turned into a professional knife thrower? Then she uses the glove to gut poor Kreuger and here's the kicker, stabs some dynamite and blows the shit out of him in 3D (thus releasing the supposed dream demons). I guess symbolically we have to say this was the death of funny/comedic Freddy.
I mean his last words are "Kids".
7.) Wes Craven's A New Nightmare
How Freddy Dies:
The Jaded Viewer says: We're suppose to have serious Freddy back but in the final scene with Heather L. and her fictional son, he goes all big mouth, tongue waggy and then gets trapped in a furnace (see the irony!) and burned which morphs him into a bug eyed demon.
We can thank Wes Craven for making New Nightmare self aware or have a movie cliches within a movie (which led him to the Scream franchise).
But Freddy's death (this being his last film where HE is the main slasher) is very dark and stylish but lacks in the POW death scene. Rest in Hell Freddy Kreuger.
8.) Freddy vs Jason
How Freddy Dies:
I'm not even putting this one up as we all know this ended in a stalemate and he winks and shit.
So what was the worse Freddy death scene in the series? Go ahead and comment and let me know what's the what.
As a bonus, below are the little cliffhangers at the end of each of the films. Which one was the best?
1.) NOES: Freddy possesses the car, then grabs mom through the window 2.) NOES 2: The speeding bus, Freddy's glove bursts out 3.) NOES 3: Toy house lights up 4.) NOES 4: Freddy image in the fountain 5.) NOES 5: The kids jump roping and singing the song 6.) FT13th 9: Freddy's glove grabs Jason's mask 7.) FvJ: Freddy winks
Vote! Leave comments. Write thoughts about the pending remake. I hope this was horror-cational for you noobs.