Excision (Review)

Excision

Excision (2012)

Directed by Richard Bates Jr.

See the poster on the right? That's actress AnnaLynne McCord. She is extremely hot and beautiful. See the upside down picture of her? That's also her. What you'll get with Excision is more upside down brunette AnnaLynne rather than blonde AnnaLynne. And you know what?

It's that brunette "ugly" AnnLynne that makes Excision one hell of a fuckin movie.

McCord's complete transformation from one of the hottest young stars in Hollywood to an outcasted, odd and completely crazy Pauline is one of the best performances of the year. In Excision, Richard Bates debut film based on his short, a coming of age story on a volcano of WTF. Delusional and dreamlike, Excision is suburban America macabre, weirdness with a smile and a bloody mouth. It feels American Mary-ish but less grown up. Which isn't really a bad thing. I would say it would be this years The Woman, where we see the suburban darkness in a Tim Burton like universe.

It's truly one of the oddest and jaw dropping films I've seen and makes a case for a spot on my 2012 list. Weird vivid imagery, characters that are all red blooded 'Murica! and a lead character that goes against all that is normal in our very normal world.

Whatever I thought would happen, didn't. And for that I applauded.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A disturbed and delusional high school student with aspirations of a career in medicine goes to extremes to earn the approval of her controlling mother. 

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The movie starts off with delusions. Pauline's (AnnaLynne McCord) delusions can only mean she's a little more than fucked up. Bloody dreams full of corpses and unnecessary surgery are ones that can only mean one may be unhinged. She's a student with a overbearing mom (Traci Lords), a terminally ill sister and a sissy dad. Pauline is truly an ugly duckling....long uncombed hair, a few specks of acne and a wardrobe from the dollar store. Her personality is the very definition of "anti", questioning the authority of her teachers and priest. However, she is an independent woman, bent on making the people around her uncomfortable and making sure she gets what she wants.

The plot is more so a character study of Pauline. Her mom raises her in that pageant mom sorta way and as moms do make her do things she doesn't want. If there is a plot to Excision it's buried in the mundane tasks her mom wants Pauline to do. What you believe to be a movie where somehow an ugly duckling turns into a swan never goes into that territory and thank the horror gods for that. It never wavers in the fact that some people are comfortable in their own skin and no level of makeup, change in attire or weight loss will make one happy.

As we follow Pauline along, her main motivation is to survive the day, barely caring what people think of her but more so to become a surgeon to cure her sister. But how can one do that when you go against the current of all that is normal? This leads to an ending that is a reality to check to her and to all of us. A pure WTF moment at it's most raw.

McCord is downright unrecognizable as Pauline. If you Google her, you'll see an actress that barely resembles Pauline. I really do admire an actress who's willing to not rely on her looks, done some serious ugly prosthetics and give a performance that goes beyond what we think they can do. Here McCord is fantastic, her monologues against religion and than praying to God are superb. As you watch her performance, you only see Pauline a distraught teenager with some serious case of mental issues. It was amazing to see her stripped of beauty and act as this quirky know it all.

Lords also gives quite a performance as the toddler and tiara mom. Who knew an underage pornstar from the 80s could actually give a performance like this?

The seductive feeling of Excision is that you want to root for Pauline, as we the viewer usually root for the outsider. We tend to think we're all outsiders and not one of the Hollister and Amber and Crombie clone zombies. The fact she alienates everybody around her makes her more appealing. Though we all seem to think she'll eventually fit in by metamorphasizing into one of the clones, like one of those cheesy 80s teenage rom coms...she doesn't.

Bates seems to want you to be uncomfortable and like Pauline even though she does despicable things. She's "ugly", she's non compliant and she's independent. How can we like somebody like that? But somehow I did like her. I haven't seen a character like that since Lucky McKee's May. Many movies have tried this (and you'll see it in the Carrie remake for sure). It's a hard to make somebody care for somebody that crazy.

The film is not perfect though. We've seen some of that Excision "formula" of outcast vs The Cleavers before and it rehashes things in a few films I've seen before. The focus is a bit disjointed as Pauline clashes with her family, her school and her classmates. Nothing is really gained by these entanglements except getting to see how strange and fucked up Pauline is. And in a nutshell, like I said before, there really is no plot in this. There is nothing really significant that's happening to Pauline that is remotely interesting. Like I said, it's just a day in the life of....

With that said, can somebody who's everything society has taught us is not beautiful be somebody we can care about? That's where this movie will be a hit or miss with viewers. If you dig Pauline, you'll see that the American cookie cutter society is the source of the unhappy. If you don't, your more inclined for her to conform. It's a black comedy that makes you feel awkward because you may see YOU as the type of character onscreen. Pauline's witty comebacks and contradictions will make you laugh, but oddly make you think as well.

Excision is that little film that questions our American values and whether or not we can find happiness in who we are and whether or not we can do it while were a little bit crazy. Underneath the prototypical family is a world we don't necessarily see. Everybody is a bit crazy, has dreams that would make the most alpha male cringe but we hide those feelings and those thoughts deep into the trenches of our brain.

Some people let it all out and show the world who they really are. So who's really normal huh?

Nude-ipedia

Weird dreams by Pauline means naked women for us!

Gore-ipedia

Some blood that your tween brother can handle

WTF moment

The ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis


Excision is out on Blu Ray and DVD. Check out the official site and Facebook page. It's a soon to be cult classic, waiting to be discovered by some curious movie fan and hopefully embraced by the horror community. It's worth a look to see why Excision is curiously on some Best of 2012 lists.

Rating:



Check out the trailer.

Categories: 2012 horror movies, american mary, excision, gratuitous nudity, independent cinema, indepentent horror, indie film, indie horror, nudity, the woman

Blackout Haunted House 2012 (Walkthrough and Spoilers)

It's now a bicoastal phenomenon.

When I first started writing these walkthroughs in 2010 and 2011, they were more so therapy for me to get what I had just experienced into some sort of coherent thought pattern. Also, I wanted to share this fringe theater experiment with the rest of the interwebs. I was excited to share what I had done and hoped others would try their luck at the baddest haunted house on the planet.

So let me first tell you what I know about Blackout Haunted House: Los Angeles Edition. I didn't get to go but a flurry of bloggers, critics, writers and reporters have splurged on what happened. Basically, Blackout LA was a "greatest hits" version of the last 2 years. You got eerie TVs, total darkness touching, suffocation, condoms and shoes, staple guns, rapists and naked chained victim girl. Sound familiar? That' because these are all elements from what NYC and myself experienced the last 2 October haunts. Cracked.com gives an overview of the LA experience if you want to read further.

But this year's NYC edition as I wrote in my review:  

"Blackout continues to remove you out of your normal world, scars you with  imagery you will have dreams and nightmares about for days to come and if you survive it, welcomes you in becoming part of the scariest and challenging horror events you will ever go through. Because of Blackout, I will never see a haunted house the same way again."

Tons of people have experienced themselves what they've only read about on this blog and others. But clearly from the e-mails, tweets, Facebook messages I've received, it seems my experience is the one people want to hear about. And I'm here to oblige. But this year, we're adding a bit of a twist. My fellow Survivor Special K has written about her experience, from a female perspective and having gone through twice. I'll be posting that soon and and possibly other Survivor perspectives as well.

Blackout Haunted House c/o of Blackout Facebook Page

I'm doing this because even though the people who went to Blackout all experienced about 70% or so the same horror formula, 30% was different throughout the run and each person wound up with some rather disturbing yet cool differences. Now you get to read about all the little nuances Blackout employed to get you go WTF when discussing with other Survivors.

I went in early October having convinced the Downtown Traveler that this was the baddest haunted house in NYC. When you get to scare the noobs, you totally do it. I also came to realize that if I asked if they read up on Blackout, they'd say they read a walkthrough on The Jaded Viewer which put a smile to my face. I sometimes would let them know who I was, but more so I listened as they would describe what I wrote. Pretty fuckin funny. Mind you, what I wrote below is as best as I can remember. Memories start to fade and months later, I'm still confused by events, dialogue and the order it all occured. But I'll have a few versions for you all to read so that should make up for it.

Now let's get to what all the fuss was all about shall we?

• We start off where we began. Back to the semi abandoned storefront from 2010. The door is covered up (see photo above) and as you enter the space a mist of foggy gloom hovers in the air. Back near the door, two woman educate you on the Blackout experience, give you your ticket and your waiver to sign. After completing all that, you're given a number  which you stick on to the front of your shirt or whatever you're wearing. I was #17 and then you wait.


• And wait. And wait. It's a waiting like no other. As you wait with other patrons who are all behind a rope in the middle of the room I see Josh (one of the masterminds of Blackout) directing the action and picking the next victims. A few feet from the rope is a lone door with an X taped in front of it. As you watch each person go through they stand on the X, their back to the door. And suddenly WHOOSH! The door opens they're grabbed into the darkness with the door loudly closing behind them. Now that's one helluva way to scare the shit out of the people in the waiting room.


• Josh heads in my direction and though I had heard him go through the spiel with other firs timers ("Do you have epilepsy?" and "What is the SAFETY word?") He goes to me and says, you know the drill right? Of course I do. I'm a fuckin veteran.


• I'm soon guided to the X and stand patiently with my back to the door. It's then I see goodbye to the crowd, a hand comes across my chest and I'm grabbed into the darkness.
  
  

  

  Blackout Haunted House c/o of Blackout Facebook Page



• A voice calls from the darkness and puts a thin surgical mask over my mouth wrapping the string  around my ears. Then goggles are put on which partially blinds my view with a hazy cloud. I'm then told to put my hands on the wall, police brutality style. It's a physical pat down, one the NYPD would be proud of. Bear hugged I'm led into a room where I would have a soundtrack to my terror.


• In the next room, my hands are placed face down on a table and roped across left to right and strapped down. I can barely see through my foggy goggles but I can feel somebody spreading my fingers across the table. Headphones are put on and now I can clearly here a crazy staticky metal tune that one Survivor pointed out was from Funny Games. Clearly Blackout has employed Jigsaw with a minimum wage job and once my hand is in place I hear the dreaded smash of a hammer on the table. SMASH! It starts on the far edge of the table and slowly inches towards my fingers. BANG! It's getting damn close and I'm getting a bit freaked out the actor might decide today is the day he'll accidentally take out his anger of his girlfriend dumping him or some shit. CRASH! It's now as close as can be and before I can brace for impact.  Then smoke emanates across my back. What seems to be a fire extinguisher has now engulfed my back and part of the room. It's an odd smell, an odd sensation  to feel it work across my back. The equipment is removed (headphones and goggles) and I'm screamed at to leave and into the next room.


•  I'm led into a corner of a room where in far point in the room is what I now refer to as weird gay naked dancer. Though initially I thought I'd get my first feargasm I start to notice that who I thought was a she, is actually a he. He's naked from the waist down and I can see his bait and tackle and it's giving me Silence of the Lamb flashbacks. This isn't good at all. Handed a music box I hold to my left ear, it chimes melodic bells playing a tune while WGND asks me "Let's Dance". I oblige as what the hell right? Might as well play the part of "Victim #17". We start dancing and it's really awkward but somehow in a David Lynch way, it's a surreal creepy experience. He breathes heavy into my ear and my bat sense is tingling this is the lull before the storm. It seems this is designed to get those alpha male/gothtards uncomfortable and I'm sure SAFETIES are called due to a mild case of homophobia. But I push...because somebody grabs me and pushes me into the next room.


• Down some stairs and now on to the next room is a scene that echoes all what I love about Blackout.
  I immediately hear music playing from a record player, the spin skipping every so often. The room is lit for maximum mesmerization. Broken records and by records I mean vinyl records (remember those kids?) litters the room and in the far corner is a girl, partially naked wearing what seems to be a hospital gown, ripped to shreds. I'm sure you're asking if I saw her lady parts and yes I did and it's quite yummy in a fucked up sort of way. Because my experience has always let me know nothing is what it seems here. She looks at me, in a plotting and conniving way then turns her back to me, hops on a step in the room. My back is against a wall in the other end of the room and I start to watch the show. She slowly starts to reach down to her vajayjay, between her legs and pulls out (oh god it's going to be tampon-mania again I think) but it's much worse. It's a fully loaded, PornHub approved condom and she's quite pleased with herself that she gave birth to this piece of latex. She slowly moves towards me, I look deep into her eyes as she dips her fingers into the used Trojan. My face is making an "O" face and it's not for the letter it usually stands for. She then proceeds to pull the condom and drink the yummerific white liquid inside....holy mother of Jenna! Thoughts of porn scenarios enter my head (not that I watch that filthy stuff ;-P) and that concludes our show. That free clip courtesy of the folks at Blackout Haunted House.


• Now off to the next room and a beige plastic bag is thrown over my head. Here's your perspective. Surgical mask over your mouth and bag over your head. Breathing now becomes a premium. Now the first true twist I've seen in a while is thrown into my face as I'm led into the "Whiteout room". I call it the Whiteout room because it's very bright, like tons of illumination is making this room glow and making my bag feel like I'm in the inner part of a light bulb. I stand in what seems to be a shit load of time, my breathing now is taken in small bursts as the bag contracts with every breath. I'm shoved into a wall and smacked in the head. I see the silhouette of something through my bag and immediately I feel tongue smashing into my mouth through the bag. I start to squirm, turning my head to left and then to the right but this shape (a guy? a girl? a werewolf?) wants to get to 3rd fuckin base with me. I'm yelled at if "I like it" and my mouth would like to say something but it's constantly full of tongue. I feel kibbles and nibbles and bites oh my. I unwillingly made out with a stranger who I will never see their face. With that makeout session over, the bag finally removed I'm led out into a hallway to see what else they'd like to do with me.





via The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page

• I see a girl in a blue dress, partially torn so that her breasts can breathe. But breathing and touching are going to be something that one does not want to do at this moment. My new feargasm friend is squatting over a bucket. She tells me to kneel and I comply and then she grabs my head and pushes it near the edge of the bucket. "It's coming!" she yells and so it is. I start to realize as she makes those #2 noises we all know so well that the bucket is full of shit. I thought when girls take a shit, bluebirds fly and it smells like lemon pie. Clearly I was mistaken. Because she's done her business into the bucket and I get to see it. Suddenly, she grabs my right wrist right into the bucket and I start feeling the contents. It's putrid, smelly when it hits my nostrils. I can feel it's squishiness, the texture like wood chips and oatmeal. God I hope it was only oatmeal. She then guides my now bacteria-ed hand onto her chest and I am forced to smear it all over her boobies. In any other fuckin context would this seem like a dream scenario, but no my friends. This is a nightmare. This shit shouldn't be taken lightly.


• Now back to my feet I'm guided by a Blackout employee and given some sort of squishy toy. I soon realize it's a rag or sponge so I can clean off the vile feces from my hand. I proceed to do so but clearly it's not done it's job and I use my shirt instead. With this brief breather done, bizarro Neverland continues.


• My memory of the order may be questioned here but here is what I can remember. Also what follows differs from person to person. I'm shoved into a wall where my head is strapped to the wall with some sort of rope. My head is turned to the left my face smacked against the grimy wall. Obscenities are yelled at me, my name is used and more taunting. I'm given a some sort of foam log and told to hold it and if I drop it the dude will bash my skull in. The rope is tightened and I can feel the strain on my head and neck but there is no god damn way I'm dropping this log. It's not an intense pain, it's more of a workout pain, lifting that last weight before a session ends. Oh yeah. I don't really work out. Soon the restraints are removed but I still don't drop the log from behind my back but soon it's taken from me. I passed motherfuckers! What's my reward?


• Well the reward is a stream of flash bulbs, camera lights and flickering from a group of trigger happy photographers. It's a blinding wave of flashing and I'm sure this is the Instagram from Hell. I later realize this is Blackout's version of those pictures from Splash Mountain at Disney World. They're going to post my "Oh Shit" face for everyone to see.


• As the flashing subsides, I have two angry dudes guide me into the middle of a room. One of them yells at me to "Kneel Down!". I proceed to do so on the hard concrete floor. Another yells at me to "Stand Up!" I obey. They circle around me like vultures. "Did I say to stand up? Kneel down motherfucker!" I concur. The other guy yells "I don't think I told you to kneel, fuckin stand up!" I do as I'm told. This goes on for what seems to be quite a while and my knees are getting semi fucked up. As this finally concludes, I'm shoved into a small room. I would then be here for a while.


• Shoved into this closet or as I like to think of it, the closet underneath the stairs I can hear the gate close as they pull it down. I'm not claustrophobic so tight spaces don't bother me. I start to look around and see some tiny spaces I think I can crawl into but I'm not entirely sure if that's something I'm suppose to do. So I stand here, in the dark in this damp tiny space. Soon I hear the metal gate open and another person is thrown into the closet. This happens again and there are 3 of us trapped in the closet (hahahaha, I made a lame joke) Quiet for the first 2 minutes, my new closet-mates think I'm part of the show but I inform them I'm in here not of my own free will. Soon they are removed one by one until I'm alone again. I'm not sure what the point of that was. I can clearly see Blackout experimenting by having you interact with your fellow Survivors but it was quite weird. I guess claustrophobia and bottled in with others is suppose invoke that walls closing in feeling. It kinda didn't have that affect on me unfortunately.


• Now finally led out of my closet home, I see a girl on her knees and am told to do the same. I am now facing her, kneeling down and told to scream. I do. As always my first scream isn't good enough and am told to scream louder. I yell like my dick got cut off. It works. Now I'm told to ask my fellow patron for forgiveness. I yell out "Please forgive me!" I don't hear her response, just a scream.


• I'm then given a pair of pliers from a Blackout staff member and led into a bathroom. The room is covered with blood splatter and I see a girl who's completely naked in the corner. Her body is bloody, like she just had come from Dexter-ing a few victims, but she appears frightened like she was just a victim herself. As she comes closer, I can see her mouth is dripping blood and some of her teeth are partially missing. She looks at me and says "Did you do this?" I say no, shaking my head. She stares at the pliers I was holding. "Liar!" she yells and grabs the pliers from my hand. She then takes the pliers and soon there near my mouth and this is the pinnacle of my feargasm. I'm about exchange bodily fluids with a naked, bloodied hot girl but not the way I imagined. She then says get out of here and pushes me out the door and out into the lobby I go ending my Blackout experience.

I'm pretty sure I messed up the order and probably forgot a few things. It was almost 2 months ago but my fellow Survivors have helped me remember what I may have missed. My experience took place in early October as Blackout was probably experimenting with what worked and what didn't. What you'll read in Special K's Walkthrough may be a bit different but some stuff stays the same. Some of it got more intense as the month went on from what I read on Blackout's Facebook page and what I've been told. There were a few twists and turns and somethings were a bit more wicked as you'll find out.

Overall this is the Blackout experience LA wasn't ready for. It's the type of stuff people from all over the country road trip to, who visit from Canada and from across the pond. Goths, metal heads, punk rockers, alpha jocks, nerds and geeks all come to NYC to try their luck in Blackout NYC. They've heard the stories, mostly from me and this blog and want to see if I've been exaggerating all this time. Trust me I'm not.

To the readers who've only read about Blackout through this blog and via various reviews, I wish you could join in on the fun. Some of you might be saying I'd never do anything like that. OK, nobody is putting a fuckin gun to your head. You read this walk through in the safety of your home. But over 5000 people in LA and NYC went to Blackout this year (which I think is some sort of record). All of these survivors have now a pretty awesome story to tell.

Sure there are people who hated it. Fear is all relative. I'm not claustrophobic, but the person next me might be. Some heterosexual male might be feel too weirded out and call SAFETY once he starts to see some dude's cock. I also heard somebody SAFETIED 5 minutes in. Jeezus. So anything that might scare you, might not have the affect on somebody else. If this were a horror movie, you get your standard amounts of quick scares, blood and guts and lots and lots of disgusting shit (literally).

Whatever your fear may be, Blackout will eventually find it.

But if you need more, here is some trivia for you to salivate on. The creators of Blackout have informed me that some filming was done for one of The Travel Channel's programs on haunted houses! It should air sometime next year. Two of my close Survivor friends had cameras mounted on them as they experienced the haunt. So for the first time, you'll see on TV what you've only read about.

How about them razor bladed apples?

So now I open it all up. Did you go to Blackout Haunted House in Los Angeles or NYC this year? Leave a comment below, on The Jaded Viewer Facebook page or tweet me your thoughts. You may have loved it or hated it but let the conversation begin. I think a lot of people want to know if they'd like to take the plunge into the baddest haunted house in the country.

Check out all my walkthroughs and reviews of Blackout Haunted House including the invite only off season Spring haunt!

Blackout Haunted House Reviews and Walkthroughs

• Special K's Blackout Haunted House 2012 Walkthrough and Spoilers
• Blackout Haunted House Review (2012)
• Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2011) 
• Blackout Haunted House Review (2011)  
• Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2010)
• Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Review (2010)

Blackout Haunted House Invite Only, Off Season Spring Haunt Reviews and Walkthroughs

• Blackout Haunted House: Spring Edition (2012)
• Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House (SPRING EDITION) Walkthrough Review (2011)

If you have any questions or comments let me know. I was thinking of doing a Reddit AMA in addition to my standard walk through.If you think that's a good idea, let me know.

You can go also leave any comments/questions on The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page or on Twitter.

Categories: blackout haunted house, darkness, halloween, haunted house, new york city, nudity, nyc halloween haunted house, nyc haunted house, torture porn, vortex theater, walkthrough

Blackout Haunted House 2012 (Review)

courtesy of Blackout Haunted House

Well a lot has happened since I posted my 2011 review of Blackout Haunted House. Blackout made the front page of Reddit and my review in turn did as well. My walk through from 2010 and 2011 was massively dissected by Redditors, message boards and readers all across the world and is now the single most viewed posts in my entire blog.

I've been posting about Blackout since 2010. I've been to two October haunts  and two Spring off season events. (2010 and 2011). I'm pretty sure some people have been to more than I have (Blackout started off as NYC Halloween Haunted House in 2009). But the fact that creators Josh Randall and Kris Thorgeirsson knew instantly who I was and that I am part of the infamous Survivor Club (brave men and women who've endured their Spring haunts) makes it seem I'm an unofficial member of the Blackout team. Suffice it to say, before noobs and first timers went through, Josh  ask the disclaimer questions. "What is the SAFETY word?" and "Do you have epilepsy?"  For me, he totally bypassed it as I already knew the drill.

via The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page

But I hold to some principles and I'm still the jaded viewer and so being a veteran gives me a unique perspective on their event. Going in, I wanted them to push the envelope so to speak and integrate a few of the interactive horror elements I've asked for in my previous reviews. What we get in 2012 is completely different from past versions. My walkthroughs which you are all reading obsessively....just throw them out the window because none of that stuff happens. Blackout has made it a point to reboot itself every year which is why the event for even myself causes me to get pterodactls in my stomach. I have no idea what's going to happen and that's why it remains addictive.

As I've said before, Blackout Haunted House is the haunted house other haunted houses are afraid of. It is a journey out the the realm of the normal, where the bizarre, the surreal, the terror all come to life right before your eyes. It is full of visual eye candy vignettes that take you out of comfort zone and place you into situations that test your endurance mentally and physically.  I tweeted out after I had gone through: Oh how do I summarize my thoughts on #blackout2012 @NYChauntedhouse I think it can be best summed up if you found a David Lynch snuff tape. It's kinda the best metaphor right after I went through.

David Lynch snuff tapes and feargasms

I know what you're saying. They aren't going to harm me, they're all actors. But let me ask you this. You signed a waiver and even through everything around you is "make believe", like in The Matrix says "You're mind makes it real". And that's when I saw 3 safeties get called at night before I went in. I'll say as a hardcore veteran, I wasn't actually scared or frightened but I did have my moments of pure WTF. A first timer might be unaccustomed to it all and SAFETY 5 minutes in. But Blackout tests you in ways you've never have been subjected to in this loose concept of a "haunted house".

via The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page

So what did 2012 offer? In a nutshell, it's a curveball of weird Lynchian visuals with a signature gut wrenching moment, in the dark torture, interrogation gone awry and naked WTF moments that will give you multiple feargasms. You'll start off signing a waiver which in the dark, is hard to read which gives you the complete rules and possible situations you will encounter. Everything in the rules WILL HAPPEN. Once that's complete you are given a number you'll need to paste on your clothing. I was number 17 and then comes the hardest endurance challenge you'll have to suffer through other than going to the DMV. Waiting to be called. The waiting area is dimly lit, full of fog and has a few chairs as people wait to be called. There is a rope that divides the room and a lone door that begins your journey. As I wait I try to implant red herrings to my fellow haunted house partner in crime this year "L" (check out her review here) As I watched her go through for the first time ever I see the door open, she's grabbed and then whisked away into the darkness.

My experience was clearly one of sheer joy and adrenaline. I won't give a walkthrough or spoilers until after both NYC and LA versions are over but it was full of unexpected challenges that even I had to get through for the first time. The event will roughly be 20-30 minutes but when you're in there you really do lose all sense of time. You will be physically challenged, minimally abused, ridiculed and made to do things that make sense and don't make sense. Some rooms will be in complete darkness others are not. You will interact with the actors and sometimes the actors will interact with you. In essence, you're completely not in control of when it's over and what you can do.

Blackout is.

What you do while you're in these visually stimulating rooms containing both male and female nudity is to watch, but don't touch and perform the actions called for. Following orders is key because you just have to let go. I did as I was told when given every command. Because remember, YOU PAID FOR THIS. Why challenge the way it was designed?

via The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page

Blackout will stimulate 4 of the 5 senses during your experience. There are very uncomfortable moments of touching something icky, horrifying sounds echoing throughout the experience, smells of grime and filth and the sights of the bizarre. This is what makes Blackout unique in they make you experience each of these senses in a warped bizarro horror world. Some rooms have a soundtrack to them that play magnificently on what you're seeing.

There are moments of pure physical distress that will have you gasping for air while feeling all mortified by what's happening to you physically. It's probably where most SAFETIES occur I can imagine. There is also a claustrophobia moment that had me going WTF. I don't have that phobia so I was clearly getting itchy to have me some alone time with the Blackout crew. There are a few more twists and turns that are completely new and innovative this year and when I encountered them for the first time, I had a big grin on my face. I was like, Holy Shit! this is completely different.

The actors all give solid performances (from the one's that I saw and some from I only heard from). Being an actor in Blackout must be physically and mentally exhausting and to do this for hours straight is a testament to these men and women. I've wondered how difficult it is to be an actress at Blackout. What's their preparation like? They have no idea what type of person they'll be performing to one on one. I mean it's just you and her. I would love to interview one of these stellar actresses one day. Even your torturers must have fascinating stories to tell. The crew does a good job in moving you from "room" to "room" and it's paced in a way where you get a sense of lull for few minutes, torturous action over a few frenetic minutes then a breather. It ends with a very suspenseful moment that would make even Eli Roth proud.

Will the real survivors please stand up?

I will say that even through you're playing victim in this interactive horror movie you are partly a prop being moved along from place to place. I would have liked to partly push some of the action along that made my scene with the actors be more personal. However I will say my name was being tossed around so clearly they knew who I was and made me the star of my little "short" which was cool.  If I was allowed to go about and perform some limited easy task where it triggered a unique "cut scene" that would have been cool. These were elements from last year had that and I hoped for more this year. As I mentioned before, I seemed to be boxed in for a period of time that had me scratching my head. Who knows what I missed as I heard other people be tortured?

via The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page

Josh and Kris have said each Survivor passage is different for each person. No two people may actually experience the same journey but they will experience all the main meat and potatoes of the event. Does the order switch up? You'd have to probably go through twice but what sicko would want to do that? (The Jaded Viewer raises his hand)

Blackout Haunted House is the baddest haunted house in the country. You walk through it alone and will  feel what you've only watched in these torture-core horror movies. You can read my reviews and walkthroughs all you like, ask me questions on the experience but there is no exhilarating rush like going to a Blackout event. It's spawned a group of 20 strong members of hardcore fanboys and fangirls called the Survivors Club, became legendary over night due to Reddit and now will probably start scaring some brave celebrities and LA trendsetters this year. What use to be a haunted house only talked about in whispers, on a few message boards and in cult blogs like this one is no longer an underground secret.

Blackout Haunted House is now a phenomenon, a viral challenge for Halloween goers looking for a hardcore thrill. It's opened up a debate of can be done to you if you sign up for it. It's making believers out of everybody as survivors begin to emerge telling noobs of their tale about this haunted house in NYC. The one with all the touching and nudity.

But it hasn't lost it's edge. Blackout continues to remove you out of your normal world, scars you with  imagery you will have dreams and nightmares about for days to come and if you survive it, welcomes you in becoming part of the scariest and challenging horror events you will ever go through. Because of Blackout, I will never see a haunted house the same way again.

You won't either.


The Vitals

• The official site
• Like Blackout Haunted House on Facebook
• Follow on Twitter
• Blackout Haunted House (NYC) is now open and runs until November 4th. It is located at:
  115 West 27th Street (between 6th & 7th) New York, NY 10001
• Blackout Haunted House (LA) will run from October 20th-November 4th. It's located at:207 S. Broadway, 2nd Floor
  Los Angeles, CA 90012
  
• Tickets are $45 and will get more expensive closer to Halloween. They usually get sold out quickly. You can purchase tickets on the official site.
  
• For more photos of Blackout Haunted House, check out the jaded viewer Facebook page.
• Special Thanks to the Blackout team for making me welcome and for an awesome time!

Check out the trailer.




Check out all my walkthroughs and reviews of Blackout Haunted House including the invite only off season Spring haunt!

Halloween/October Haunt Reviews and Walkthroughs

• Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2011)
• Blackout Haunted House Review (2011)  
• Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2010)
•  Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Review (2010)

Invite Only, Off Season Spring Haunt Reviews and Walkthroughs

• Blackout Haunted House: Spring Edition (2012)
• Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House (SPRING EDITION) Walkthrough Review (2011)

If you have any questions or comments let me know. I was thinking of doing a Reddit AMA after their run ends  in addition to my standard walk through.If you think that's a good idea, let me know.

You can go also leave any comments/questions on The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page or on Twitter.

Categories: blackout, blackout haunted house, halloween, interactive horror movie, new york city, nudity, nyc halloween haunted house, nyc haunted house, nyc horror, torture porn, vortex theater

Blackout Haunted House: Spring 2012 Edition (Review/Walkthrough)

"I'm being toyed with by a bunch of depraved children" 


- Nicholas Van Orton (The Game, 1997)

PROLOGUE

I've always had a fascination with participating in something only a few people get to do. Be it a flash mob, an ARG or an assassination game played with water guns. But unfortunately I haven't had the chance to do any of those as of yet. What I have done is be part of the legend that is Blackout Haunted House and experience their haunts like no other. I've been to 2 of their Halloween haunts and 1 of their Spring events. I'd like to say I'm a Blackout veteran but this haunted house has been around since 2009 and there are more hardcore fans than me.

I've received comments, tweets and e-mails from countless jaded viewers who will view the most sickest, disturbing and vile horror movies I recommend but won't ever ever...and I mean ever go to Blackout's haunt. They think it may be too intense for them to make it through. So they wait for me to give them the safe and easy way to experience it through this little corner of the interwebs and as you know I'm happy to oblige.

I've now met my fellow survivors (at a Blackout after event complete with free drinks) who, like me have survived this Spring 2012 edition and it's funny hearing that they read my past reviews and walkthroughs and it helped or convinced them to partake in Blackout's October and May haunts. I couldn't thank them enough because as a writer, the only feedback you get is through comments and this being the Internet, the majority are always negative. Hearing them say how much they liked the detailed dreamlike recount of what I experienced makes it all worthwhile when I do these. So I thank you guys for making me sound awesome.

But I digress. You didn't come here to read my rants and raves on my motivations and such. You came here to read about what only 20 or so people experienced last month. You're here to read about this underground haunted house that the other haunted houses talk about. You're here to read about the first rule of "Horror Club" is not to talk about "Horror Club". This legendary theater experience where you sign a waiver, have to read cryptic rules and has a fuckin SAFETY word. You've read all the other reviews, went to their official site and the Facebook page and are fascinated by the cryptic comments of the individuals, nay the survivors who participated on a sunny, ordinary weekend in one of the most creepiest and fucked up haunted experiences ever conceived.

So I'm here to tell you about the secret that is Blackout Haunted House's Spring 2012 haunt. The one you read about before and believed I totally made up. Hell, nobody I tell ever believes me. Why would they? Will you?

WARNING!!! 

[This review and walkthrough contains HEAVY MOTHERFUCKIN SPOILERS of this event. One day, when you do get the courage to attend a Blackout Haunted House event, you will want the same feeling I had not knowing what was going to happen. To feel the exhilaration of something horrificly awesome....a torment of fun. To experience Blackout to its fullest is to go there virgin fresh, free of spoilers and past knowledge of what occurred in previous incarnations. If you wish to experience this as many others have in a new and exciting way, STOP READING NOW. YES NOW!!! Go surf some porn, create a meme or watch a a kid get kicked in the groin on YouTube.] 

Now if you still wish to proceed. Scroll down like the pussy you are.











The Experience

It all starts with an e-mail. At midnight. The subject line reads: "It's time...you've been chosen". Dates are given on a weekend in May. One week later, more e-mails with more information. Then one week later you get the dreaded but exciting 3 dot e-mails. The 3rd e-mail has more information regarding where you'll meet, payment, confirmation of time and those rules. The rules, similar to the Halloween rules are slightly altered and slightly ominous. Lateness will not be tolerated and they stress that you MUST GO THROUGH THIS ALONE.

So on a warm, sunny Saturday night I headed to Manhattan to [LOCATION DELETED] at [TIME DELETED]. I'm unfamiliar with this section of the city and get a bit lost. It's [TIME DELETED] and I only have 3 minutes to get to [LOCATION DELETED]. If I'm late, I might have cost myself a chance to partake in the haunt. I make a wrong turn, see a familiar face and am told I'm not suppose to be here. Then down some steps I see the black t-shirt with those 3 dots and it's fuckin GO time. I had ran to the [LOCATION DELETED] and am now out of breath as I hear the man with the 3 dotted t-shirt ask if I'm The Jaded Viewer. I nod and say yes. I'm led to an empty phone booth. I stare at my fellow New Yorkers as they go enjoy this wonderful spring day. For the 45 or so minutes, I'm not going to be able to.

I soon catch my breath to hear what my guide has to say. I'm getting a bit anxious and nervous levels are increasing at toxic levels. I'm given a waiver to sign and am told to read through it thoroughly. Being the complete jaded viewer I am, I skim through it. I scan there will be VIOLENT AND SEXUAL SITUATIONS and something about being photographed. I've already signed one of these before so I sign my name immediately. Now I'm told to read the last part which has the word INDEMNITY in it. I fuckin ace it because I've been practicing the word in front of a mirror for the past 3 days (Fun Fact: I totally messed up this word in the last Spring Haunt). I also am told to turn off my phone.

Now that all the formalities are out of the way, it looks like we're ready to begin. I'm given an envelope with my name on it and am told to head down the street . So I start walking.  One can't prepare for the level of intensity when this shit starts. True blinding paranoia creeps in like a mothefucker. I walk down one block and start looking around. In the corner of my eye, I spot a large bearded man with a baseball cap in front of me. We both stop at the cross walk. I have no idea if he's "in on it". But I keep my eye on him. He looks waaaaay fuckin shady but then again everybody in NYC looks waaay fuckin shady (even myself). I walk down another block and I start to look behind me (because I know from my past experience and countless horror movies, that you need to do this every 5 goddamn minutes). I see a group of Asian girls who look like tourists. Would Blackout have recruited giggling Asian girls to distract me? How cunning they are. You smart motherfuckers. No, no. Red fuckin herring right there.

More walking I start sweating not from the heat but my mind is doing that Matrix thing and telling my body you're fuckin nervous, let's perspire profusely. Suddenly, I hear loud running footsteps and see the MAN. He is in on it and he hands me a flip cell phone and tells me to answer it and to follow the instructions I am given. I quickly head to an open public phone booth and await the call. I see the giggling Asian tourist girls looking at me all weird. In America, it's perfectly normal for strangers to hand over cell phones and look menacing. The cell phone rings and I answer it. I try to filter out the city noise and listen intently. I'm told to open my envelope which I rip open like a kid looking for birthday money. In the envelope is a hotel key card and on some printed paper are INSTRUCTIONS  in big bold letters. I am asked by the man over the phone to read the instructions.

There are 6 directions listed. Number 1 is to go to a [LOCATION DELETED] and go to Room #309. Directions from the lobby are given. Number 2 is to enter the room and go to the desk by the window. Number 3 tells me there is a gift waiting for me and I'm to take my shoes and socks off, leave them by the bed and to place the phone by the nightstand. Number 4 is to turn off ALL the lights. Number 5 is to crawl into bed and get under the covers. Finally, Number 6 is to Go to Sleep.

The voice over the phone tells me to look to my left and if I see the [LOCATION DELETED]. I see a hotel in the distance and am told to walk to it. The phone conversation ends and I make my way to the hotel entrance. What the hell have I gotten myself into? In an odd way, this time around I was able to take in what was happening. This haunt compared to the past ones had moments of lull, some nothingness which seemed to build up the anticipation while simultaneously angering me to the fact I had paid for nothing to happen. But we'll get back to that in a second.

As I make my way to the lobby, it's a crowded scene. Hotel staff are checking in tourists, guests are scattered about and kids are running around. I look at my directions and follow them precisely. I see a hotel bar and quickly scan it but I know I'm on a schedule. I see the elevator I am suppose to use and see a family also waiting for it as well. I get into the elevator with the father and his kids and give them a skeptical look. Hmmm, would Blackout use a family as a smokescreen for something else? You sick bastards! The family gets out with me and I start searching for Room #309. The family quickly scoots ahead of me and enters the room across from 309. Well now I'm seeing these decoys in a whole new light. If they have to come into play, Blackout has really out done themselves.

I enter the room and follow my written instructions. It's an ordinary hotel room with 2 double beds. The beds and been stripped of bed sheets thought a lone pillow and cover lie perfectly made. 3 lamps are illuminating this room and the AC is humming inconsistently. I see the desk by the window and go to it. I see my gift which is a shot of whiskey. Never to turn down a shot, I take a deep breathe and down it, as some of my liquid courage trickles down my mouth. My nerves now at threat level WTF are still in the red and the shot does nothing to calm them down. Also, leave it to me to prepare by only having coffee and leftover pizza in my stomach. I leave the phone by the nightstand and take off my sneakers and socks and leave them at the foot of the bed. I then start turning off all 3 lights in the room. I crawl into bed, my glasses still on (because I'm completely dumb) and put the blanket over me.

It's now completely pitch black in the room with only the red glow of what I perceive are cameras to my left and in front of me. The hum of the AC seems louder. At this point and I close my eyes.

As I await my fate, minutes feel like decades. Childhood fears are brought back to life as I for one was one of those kids that slept with a night light. When I was young, my night light broke and I started whimpering for my mommy. (OK full disclosure, this happened last week) Pitch blackness is a level of terror Blackout has has done before and so oddly enough I will admit, I was jaded (yeah I made that pun, sue me). It's an effect that amplifies every creak, every sound, every gasp. You're now limited by to only a few senses and because of this the chills are echoed throughout. As I closed my eyes, knowing full well shit would hit the fan at any moment, I got a sense of serenity. Waiting builds up tension for noobs, but for a veteran like myself I was slightly angered shit wasn't happening at a quicker pace. Now having looked back upon this, the effect Blackout was going for is to be admired and designed for the newbie experience. Such is the way of things.

Now my sixth sense had told me people were in the room with me. I could hear the tap of footsteps and I was hearing a hollow breath of fucked up people who wanted to do fucked up things to me. I feel a touch on my foot, then my face. Two living breathing human beings are now getting into bed with me and I can't see a thing. They start to squeeze my body from both sides of the bed and they are breathing into both my left and right ear simultaneously with a level of maximus. It's a level of pseudo paranormal weirdness that is way beyond I could have ever come up with. As the breathing into my face went from slow, to medium to insane it abruptly ends.

In a film-like quick edit of a home invasion gone awry, the lights turned on, I see the fleeting faces of my bed mates and a pillow case is thrown over my head. I'm told to get up, then bear hugged, and I am guided to the bathroom. I hear the bathroom door close behind me. As I stand in the bathroom, bare foot with a pillow case over my head my mind races and prepares for the WATERBOARDING. I believe this is going to happen because it has happened before. Would the levels of this go up a notch? Would they decide to outdo the CIA? Would I call SAFETY in the midst of a waterboarding that would reach extreme levels? When faced with a situation one has done before, it feels familiar. But instead of the familiar, I instead hear a voice in the bathroom with me.

WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK???

I instead hear a voice telling me to "REMOVE YOUR HOOD". I proceed to do so and look around. It's your typical hotel bathroom, sink with no mirror. Toilet and in the corner was a pile of dirty towels. A bathtub lay in front of me with an ominous curtain and the drips of water emanating from it.

I say hello or something to that affect. The voice, in a scratchy Dark Knight sorta way, implores me to "OPEN THE CURTAIN". Well I've watched countless horror movies. In every horror movie, there's a door or a box or something somebody opens and they do it waaaaaaaaaaaay fuckin slowly. I'm not going to do that. You know you've seen it before. And oddly enough, I also became a human horror cliche. I too, hesitated a moment, fearful of what was behind that damn curtain. But being the veteran I am, ripped open the curtain and too my surprise what was behind it was not a sight I thought I would have imagined.

In the bathtub lay a completely naked woman. She lay there motionless with a white hood over her head.I scanned her body (which every red blooded American male instinctively does when they see a member of the opposite sex in their birthday suit). She coughs, a choking cough that jolts me a bit. The voice says to "REMOVE THE HOOD" and clearly this is the penultimate scene of my personalized horror movie. You would have thought years of watching horror movies would have prepared me to remove a hood covering the head of a naked girl in a bathtub, but until faced with it, you start to realize IRL shit is way fuckin different and terrifying from horror movie cliche shit. Preparing myself for the worst, I remove the hood.......

.....and see the sight of an attractive girl, piercing eyes with curly brunette hair.

She asks for "PILLS" and before she even completes the word, I'm frantically looking around the bathroom for them. I toss some towels to the side, look around the toilet and then realize she is pointing to a pill bottle on the soap holder. I quickly open the pills and as she opens her mouth I drop one in. Her voice then echoes for "WATER". I look around and see a spray bottle and rapidly unscrew it and pour a few drops into her mouth. She gulps it down, her throat clearing and she starts to sit up.

I start to kneel down. She starts to whisper in my ear. She asks for my name. I oblige hesitantly as the rule of NO TALKING, reminds me I should have not said that. She gets up from the bathtub and I start to slowly back away to the far edge of the bathroom. She is now a sight to behold. I'll admit, a pretty awesome sight. There are only a few instances where a naked girl means only one thing (yup, I know strip clubs come to mind as well) but the other one....well you know.

She is now standing in front of a fully clothed me and whispers into my left ear "I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT". Oh shit. Bow chicka wow wow. I start to try to focus. Is this a good time to ask if she wants to get a cup of coffee?  Talk about any good movies she's seen? I start to raise my hands, wary that one of the rules was to NEVER TOUCH THE ACTORS. I know fully well I'm here to experience a feargasm but instead I'm getting a fear-rection. She starts to touch me provocatively (is this shit going to turn into 50 Shades of Grey, not that I read it) and a few hints of groping seem to be in action. And at that moment of fearful bliss, shit hits the fan.

The freed captive girl starts to remove my buttoned down shirt and the t-shirt I have underneath. Throwing it on the floor, she starts to unbuckle my belt and pulls down both my jeans and boxers. HOLY FUCKIN SHIT. I'm now completely fuckin naked with a half stock. She moves in closer. Her naked body, my naked body and I feel helpless. Would she start to go all Basic Instinct on me? Her hands move around my exposed flesh, she touches the back of my neck and now she's breathing into my ear. Wow. Then.... [NEXT 2 SENTENCES DELETED]

I had not been expecting any nudity this time around, especially from me. I figured from last year, they'd forgo that gimmick and pick fears they hadn't utilized yet. She opens the bathroom door with my clothes and leaves and now I'm standing naked in a red tinted bathroom. The red tint is coming from a camera strategically placed in the bathroom. I start to use my hands to cover up but I realize this is fuckin useless. Under my breath, I curse Blackout. "YOU FUCKIN ASSHOLES" I mutter. It's a slight uncomfortable feeling being naked, in a bathroom in a strange hotel room. But if this is what I had to do, this is what I had to do.

Nudity is a sinking vulnerable feeling. But having done this last year, one realizes what one is capable of. Sure there was no hospital gown this time but I was willing to strangely take whatever the experience presented me. And then the girl came back in.

She presents me with night vision goggles and a flashlight and tells me to head to the desk. I have no way of covering up so I hold the goggles with one hand and the flashlight with the other. Peering through the grainy blue tinted goggles I look around the room. It's an exciting feeling, one part voyeur another part POV horror come to life. Creatively, it's ingenious to use the night vision to create an atmosphere of unknown dread. I admit, I liked this part. I felt like my POV has changed mid movie and from this 1st person perspective, they've limited my field of vision.  I make my way to the desk. My recollection gets fuzzy though I'm handed a phone (or was it there?) and it rings. I answer it and am ordered to write my name and home address. I place the goggles down and am now naked, sitting at a desk, fiddling with a flashlight in my left hand while writing in bad penmanship my name/address. A man is over my right shoulder. The phone call ends and the man tells me to place the phone on the desk.

Lights come back up.

Between the two beds lies Saran plastic wrap with a big X marked at the front. I am told to place "MY FOREHEAD on the X". I proceed to do so and have my hands in a dead man's position like I'm surrendering to cops. This is the climax, the pinnacle of the Blackout experience and I start to think really bad things. I start to think everything else was a cake walk compared to what may happen. I actually start to think about what I look like, buck naked lying on a hotel floor. It must be surely a sight. To the people that may use Room 309 after me, I apologize. I start to actually have the wiggins. I feel a hand put my arms to my side. And then BOOM!

I'm being wrapped in plastic, a big naked burrito with 2 large men on top of me. It's a helpless feeling but an exhilarating one as well. One man in all black yells at me. "IT'S NEVER OVER!!!!". He probably has more dialogue but I have forgotten it. I'm released by my burrito prison and see my clothes lined up on the bed.

The man proceeds to inform me I have 90 seconds to put my clothes on and exit the hotel. I'm like a speed freak and start putting on my boxers, my jeans. 60 seconds. Then my t-shirt. 45 seconds he says calmly. I see my socks and realize I won't have time. I stuff them into my pocket. 30 seconds. I put on my other shirt, a button down and get a few buttons in. 15 seconds. I slide into my sneakers as fast as possible. 10 seconds. I search for my glasses and realize they are on my FUCKIN FACE already. 5 seconds. I dash out of the room and close the door behind me.

I head to the elevator and evaluate my attire. I'm a bit of a wreck but I look passable. I wait for the elevator and get in. I start to check for my phone but realize before I start tweeting or Facebooking, I should get out of Dodge as quickly as fuckin possible. I exit the elevator, the light from the bright lobby is a sight. Normal people, doing normal things. I scan the people's faces, looking for a clue on what may happen next. It's a normal world. I make my way out into the street and head east. I look behind me a few times because remember, that's one of my fuckin rules. There is some remnant sun, but as I'm a block away from the hotel, I realize that's it. It's over.

I am a survivor.

The Aftermath

2 blocks down I see a stoop and put my socks on. It must be quite a sight from the looks of passerbys like I had just come from a close encounter in a Lifetime movie of the week. I find a nice park and do what I always do, take notes. And I start to Facebook and Tweet. Here is that first tweet.



I write on the jaded viewer Facebook page:

A review is coming for Blackout Haunted House's Spring Haunt. Yes it was as fucked up as advertised and lives up to it's reputation of being a fully interactive horror scene incarnate . It was innovative but had its flaws as well. Clearly, I will never tell my grandchildren about what happened last Saturday.

Later on, I  meet up with The Raven and the Black Cat and another fellow survivor for some much needed alcohol. We compare notes. We start discussing what we liked and what we disliked. It's much needed therapy from an exhausting yet oddly stimulating Saturday night.

Final Thoughts

Blackout Haunted House 2012 Spring edition is best described as a sequel with more extreme torture, more extreme nudity and more WTF. They definitely do put the FUCK in WTF. It's an experience that tests your boundaries. Are you willing to pass a line of no return? Can you give yourself up for less than an hour to Josh and Kris (creators of Blackout) and his crew and have them mindfuck you? That's the question I've always asked myself and the answer is yes. Because when will you ever have the opportunity to participate in a bit of theater, a bit of a horror movie designed around you and where normalcy gets thrown out the window.

Sure it's fake, sure it's make believe but your mind will play tricks on you and start to blend fantasy with reality. It's your 15 minutes and for a few depraved like myself, it's an outlet to role play. Answering mysterious phone calls, following instructions, going to spooky hotels. It's horror fantasy camp for adults.

What it lacked is what I've always complained about in the last Blackout haunts. The lack of story. I thought I paid to follow a narrative and I like piecing a story together. No such luck here.The haunt can be best categorized into 4 different sections.

1.) The Streets
2.)  Hotel Room Blackout Games
3.) Bathroom Speed Dating
4.) The Human Burrito

All of these are separate entities in itself and all together form no coherent story. The cat and mouse of the streets was fun and exciting. The darkness of the hotel room games was a rush into Paranormal Activity chills and supernatural craziness. The bathroom's get to know each other had elements of a frantic horror scene gone porno. And well for the Human Burrito, it's home invasion madness meets a Euro-trash/HK Category III slasher flick. Each section had some level of excitement but put together they didn't form Voltron. And at the end of the day, don't you wanna see Voltron instead of those damn fuckin Lions?

I proposed scenarios of a kidnapping/ransom plot which could have sorta tied everything together. Another idea rumbling around my head would be seeing the person who was ahead of you in the haunt  be violated. Seeing what happened to them might make me slightly disturbed. If I'm interacting, making choices and pushing the scene along, like a video game character...I want to know WHY I'm doing all this. But Josh has always said, the narrative gets thrown out in these things. It isn't Shakespeare but taking the mold of a situation and playing on the fear of it all is how it works. I understand that point. I experienced that point as well.

But a story doesn't hurt.

I can't help but compare with what I experienced last year. Be it partly because it was my first Spring haunt and the scenarios played out like nothing I was expecting, it felt more awesomer. All my senses were amplified in a way that brought about a real tangible fear.What last year lacked was a sense of claustrophobia-ness. However, this year the hotel room added that. The actors gave a level of intensity that mimicked a unseen mastermind, directing the action from the comfort of a surveillance room. A sorta rich man's game with a degree in psychological torture.  The bathroom woman had a seemingly exhaustive endeavor to create a sense of false security. Clearly it worked on me, her performance was on point (pun intended).

I enjoyed the world I inhabited a couple of Saturdays ago. I get an adrenaline rush NOT KNOWING what may happen. Blackout has always developed situations that get the maximum emotional effect. Their brilliance is in their simplicity. They push the boundaries of what a haunted house is suppose to be. They have a working Horror Fantasy Club, talked about in the shadows of Internet message boards and cryptic Facebook comments. Grown in NYC, the legend of Blackout now has no borders. It's a product of a society looking for an escape. It is why it works on so many levels. It is why I keep going back. It's an addiction like no other.

In this 9 to 5 world of America, we sit in a world complacent and safe. Like in David Fincher's The Game, we need to feel alive, to experience the rawest emotions, the situations that test your resolve. We need a Consumer Recreational Service (CRS) for the millennium age.

Blackout has answered the call.

Check out my past reviews and for more info on Blackout Haunted House check out the links below.

• Walkthrough/Spoilers of Blackout Haunted House (2011) 
• Review of Blackout Haunted House (2011) 
• Walkthrough/Spoilers Review of Blackout Haunted House (Spring Edition 2011)
• Review of NYC Halloween Haunted House (2010)
• Walkthrough/Spoiler of Blackout Haunted House (2010)
• Official Site
• Facebook Page

Check out my review of Blackout Haunted House 2012!

Would you have participated in Blackout's world of torturous party games? Sound off my fellow jaded viewers.

Categories: blackout, blackout haunted house, gratuitous nudity, haunted house, new york city, nudity, nyc halloween haunted house, nyc haunted house, nyc horror, vortex theater

EXCLUSIVE! The Client List TV Plot Summaries Revealed!

When I first noticed Jennifer Love Hewitt's BOOBS were starring in "The Client List" I knew I had to write up a post on this awesomeness that would be unleashed on cable television. The poster, production photos and sneak peak videos were such a tease on the male American audience. So many questions came to mind. Would J-Love's boobs be able to give a star performance? Would we be able to accept them on the screen every time? Would we see them bounce? Were they still perfect like they were when she twirled around in I Know What You Did Last Summer?

These critical questions were answered with a resounding YES!

It was the best made for TV movie starring a pair of boobs...well ever (check out my review made of live tweets HERE!). But now, the gods of cleavage have gifted us again. Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs will return and star in The Client List: the TV show!!! Yes my fellow boob hounds, we are going to get to enjoy J-Love in various states of undress, meet a unknowing husband and kids and see some Forever Alone sleazy johns week after week!

So what's this series all about? Let's go over the plot first.

Everyone’s got something to hide and Riley Parks is no exception. Jennifer Love Hewitt plays Riley, a single mother, living in a small Texas town and leading a shocking double life. Her secret would send shockwaves through the community and possibly land her in jail if it was ever exposed. Riley’s taken a job at a seemingly traditional day spa, but soon realizes that the parlor offers a little more than just massage therapy. It’s not the happy ending she was expecting but it does open her eyes to a world she’s never seen before. The series follows Riley balancing these two worlds - one that revolves around her kids and family - and the other that revolves around the massage parlor and it’s special clientele. These two worlds couldn’t be farther apart, yet she’s totally comfortable in both. Keeping them separate … now that’s the tricky part as she discovers she’s not the only one with secrets.

You totally didn't read that didn't you?

OK check out this music video/teaser. This will get your tent pole up.





Now check out this behind the scenes footage. One promo has J-Love's boobs popping out during an interview. This ain't your momma's Lifetime.



I think you all need a break. Here's a picture for you to look at.

Put those tissues down. You done? Now check this craziness out. Our main character, Riley Parks has a Twitter account!

The bio reads:

Hi, I'm Riley Parks. Just a small town girl who LOVES karaoke, a good margarita and my two kids Katie & Travis. (Beaumont, TX)

Isn't that cute?

But you've all been waiting for that big exclusive right? Well here you go. I've received the plot summaries of the first 10 episodes of The Client List! You haven't seen anything yet as these future episodes are steamier than a Turkish bathhouse.

1.) Episode 1: "Pilot"

Riley Parks starts her first day as a masseuse but has quickly realizes things aren't as they seem. As she works up the courage to "satisfy" her first customer, she accidentally pulls the wrong muscle. To make matters worse, she has to pick up her son from Little League during the incident leaving the client worse for wear.

2.) Episode 2: "Slippery when Wet"

An Olympic gold medalist swimmer comes into the spa looking for more than a massage from Selena, a fellow masseuse. Unfortunately she has trouble satisfying his every need (marijuana, sub sandwiches) and asks Riley for help. Riley, who has at the same time having bedroom troubles with her husband Colin, agrees. However, she asks for a favor from Selena that will have everybody seeing threes.

3.) Episode 3: "Happy Beginnings"

Riley encounters a customer who is willing to give her a bonus if she performs "characters" for his pleasure. These include being a psychic, a horror scream queen, the popular teen girl and Audrey Hepburn. Riley agrees and soon starts lavishing her family with gifts making husband Colin and her mother suspicious. Soon both husband and mother start tailing Riley across town and wonder why she's buying a Wonder Woman outfit. How will Riley explain her odd purchases and who actually is following who?

4.) Episode 4: "Riley does Beaumont"

Riley encounters a few customers including her nephew who is obsessed with cyberporn. Meanwhile, Riley's daughter is being cyberbullied by unknown students. As she tries to juggle these family issues, the spa gets a case of the paranormal that is scaring everyone. Who can talk to these ghosts and make them see the light?

5.) Episode 5: "The Massage Oils of War"

When a rival massage parlor opens across the street, the ladies of the day spa start checking out the competition. Riley and Jolene (a fellow coworker) convince one of their clients to "spy" on the new place and start to realize he isn't the only one not coming back to the spa. As tensions mount between owners, it's up to Riley and her crew to make sure the up and coming parlor know a full blown explosion is just and the corner if they don't stop stealing their customers.

Are you looking forward to seeing The Client List? Sound off. I'll be live tweeting and reviewing it when it airs. The Client List premieres on Lifetime on April 8th. Check out the official site more info.

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