Today all the After Dark Horrorfest movies come out on DVD. It's a wide variety of horror subgenres ranging from cannibals, dopplegangers, witchcraft and time travel.
Honestly, most of these movies kinda suck.
So to spare you the "should I Netlfix or *gasp* even purchase" some of these movies, I will put all my reviews right in this post.
It took me a total of 7 hours to watch Perkins 14. Yes, you read that right....7 FUCKIN HOURS!!!
Fuck you AMC theatres!
Let me tell you about my experience watching Perkins 14 which in a nutshell turned out to be the single worst movie theatre going experience I've ever evaaaaaaaaaaar had.
The AMC on 11th and 3rd in NYC is the only theatre showing all the After Dark movies. The times are staggered, and me and Insano Steve were forced to view a 11:45am showing.
Mind you that's a little early for me to go see horror. I like to watch my horror late at night, sometimes intoxicated, but mostly when my brain needs to go all relaxo.
The time aside, it also happened to be snowing and freezing in NYC which added to the difficult mode of seeing this hyped up flick.
But I support indie horror and I would trudge on and give this film a chance.
Then all hell broke loose.
Here is a log of what happened.
11:25am (EST): Insano Steve and me check out the crowd around theatre for this goddamn early show. I say "I think most of these people are in the movie". He says "No way".
Turns out I'm right as the director, Craig Singer, crew and some of the actors (Mihaela Mihut,Michal Graves and others) are attending the viewing.
That made this actually cool.
11:35am: Trailers start up......but upside down. Plus the audio seems to be going all Satanic verse backwards. Wow that was weird.
11:45am: Movie starts up. People applaud. I'm getting psyched.
11:55am: 10 minutes into the movie it starts showing up UPSIDE DOWN AGAIN!!!!! And I'm viewing a scene 20 minutes into the future. And the audio is all backwards fucked up again.
WTF!!!!
They stop the movie and everybody groans. People are talking and a few of the actors are talking about their scenes. I listen in. It's like DVD commentary live.
AMC says they are working on it. They say it should be ready in 5 minutes which was 30 minutes ago.
12:15pm: Still no movie
12:45pm: Uhh no movie.
1:15pm: Fuckity fuck. Where the hell is the movie? Fix this shit already.
1:45pm: They tell us a projectionist is coming in to fix this. Something to do with cassettes and reels. WA WA WA WA (Peanuts adult voice)
2:15pm: They tell us the movie is all fucked up. They are going to need a few hours to fix and they tell us to come back at 5pm. People are angry. I'm about to explode. It's been more than a hour and they still haven't gotten this shit fixed.
- - - - Thought bubble - - - - I got a threshold for the abuse that I will take. Now, right now, I'm a fuckin' race car, right, and you got me the red. And I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin' that it's fuckin' dangerous to have a race car in the fuckin' red. That's all. I could blow. - - - - End Thought bubble - - - -
2:30pm: IS and I go eat lunch at a Cajun place. I have chicken fried steak. It's yummy. We discuss Man vs Food. It's an enlightening conversation.
4:00pm: We go to our favorite video store which I find out is moving to a new location. 30% discount on porn and all the other movies. Everything is still expensive.
5:00pm: We return and wait for the second viewing to start. Theatre is kinda empty. A few people I saw earlier have come back. The rest have totally bailed.
5:10pm: Some guy in the front row is snoring.....really loudly. Somebody should wake him up. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Wake up!!!!
5:15pm: Movie starts up right where we got cut off. Cool, we shouldn't have any problems now...... 6:08pm:FUCKITY FUCKERS!!!!! The movie is upside down again!!!!!???!?? You gotta be fuckin kidding me. They did it again??? Fuck you.
6:12pm: People are pissed. A guy flicks and curses at the projectionist. I want to find the manager and yell colorful profanities. They chime in that it will be fixed in 15 minutes which was 30 minutes ago. I am never going to an AMC theatre again.
7:00pm-ish: Movie ends. Credits roll. Thank goodness.
7:12pm: I find a manager and withhold the inner green Hulk monster in me. I demand I get compensation for this utter horrible experience. Manager seems snippy but finally caves and gives Insano Steve and I free passes.
7:13pm: We get the fuck out of Dodge as quick as fuckin possible.
You still there?
OK, my bad let me go on to the review which I will try to be objective about even though all that shit happened.
**The Actual Review**
Perkins 14 I thought was going to be the best of the 8 movies in this year's After DarkHorrorfest. It's hype is legendary as it proclaimed this was: afilm invented, written, cast, voted for, chosen and created by YOU.
The film was developed by Massify.com. Writers submitted story ideas, audition tapes were uploaded and the cast and winning story were chosen. Webisodes were aired on the site and YouTube to give you a peek into the production. All gimmicky devices to make sure you were informed of YOUR movie.
The plot was the most inventive it seemed and the poster chosen was a throwback to the glory grindhouse days.
So with all this, Perkins 14 had a lot to live up to. Did it do it?
Well it is what it is. A decent horror movie, with some grey characters, good amounts of gore and splatter and some suspense thrown in.
It's a credit to the indie horror scene on how this movie was created and made. The movie itself on the other hand is nothing short of mediocre. And mediocrity may actual be failure when you hype up the movie this much.
Boring Plot-O-Matic (from the official site) Years ago on a calm, dark night, Dwayne Hopper's life was shattered when his young son Kyle was abducted from his bedroom and disappeared without a trace. Kyle was the the final victim in a string of fourteen local disappearances. Dwayne, his wife Janine and daughter Daisy were forced to abandon hope that he would one day be found.
10 years later...Dwayne remains on the police force, but his family life has crumbled around him. Janine has lost faith in her husband just as Daisy has lost faith in her parents. One fateful night, Dwayne's suspicions are aroused when he notices striking similarities between a current inmate (Perkins), and the purported culprit behind the abductions.
Upon investigation, Dwayne discovers proof of Perkins' guilt during a tense search of the suspect's basement. In a fit of rage, Dwayne kills Perkins, but unbeknownst to him, the fourteen missing victims are very much alive. During captivity, they were dehumanized and trained to kill at random. Perkins' murder ignites a wave of carnage which sweeps across the entire town, with Dwayne's own son as one of the marauding psychopaths.
The Hopper family winds up taking refuge in a barricaded police station - but no walls are able to keep pure evil from breaking through. Dwayne and his family are caught up in a terrifying struggle for survival which pits them against a horde of brainwashed, bloodthirsty, "creatures." Who will survive the night?
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Perkins 14 has a interesting premise but it seems it went about it the wrong way. It's your typical kinetic alive brainwashed zombies attacking our brave hero cop and his family. What it should have been was a movie about each of the 14 people who were kidnapped and what Perkins did to them. How do you turn a normal kid into a bloody thirsty monster? Doesn't that sound waaay better?
Dwayne Hopper (Patrick O'Kane) is our hero cop and he has a wife (Mihaela Mihut) and daughter Daisy (Shayla Beesley). Each of these characters has some arcs in the movie as Dwayne investigates Perkins, his wife seems to be having an affair and the daughter wants to fuck this musician.
The movie starts up slow, with the first half teetering on character development. As Hopper interrogates Perkins, we finally get motive on why Perkins did what he did. But he is executed which to me didn't make sense.
Why would you kill off Perkins in the middle of the movie? He's the main adversary. Seemed anti climactic to just bullet in the brain him. There's always a super evil killer boss and his minions. The second half just had minions.
That's a major plot hiccup.
But the second half of the movie picks up speed and we get some awesome carnage by both Hopper and the 14. In one scene, an ocular trauma by Hopper's wife Janine has her taking a piece of glass ans sticking it into the eye of of 1 of the 14 psychopaths.
A few of the kill scenes are basic, nothing I'm writing Fangoria about.
We also get lots of running and chasing, mostly in the pitch black dark. It's really hard to watch darkness unless it's on BluRay. I know, I know....darkness adds the scary. But if you can't even see the scary, um it's not gonna be scary.
The movie goes editing crazy, with some quick cuts and dissolves and fades. It was an arsenal on the eyes and sort of took away from a more suspenseful approach.
I wasn't expecting the ending I got which was a downer. Downer endings are better endings in my book anyway.
Perkins 14 was at best a grindhouse horror flick with the potential-ality to be something really good. But it's greatest strength will always be the way it was created, with the horror fans participating in its production. It's a first in our Web 2.0 world to make a horror movie this way and it's a credit to all involved.
Perkins 14 knocked on the door but didn't have the "oooooomph" to push it down.
That's too bad.
Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)
Ocular trauma Bullet in the brain Intenstinal munchies Finger nail scratching Slicing and dicing Random bloodletting and gore
Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)
Nada
WTF moment
The second time the fuckin movie fucked up and went all upside down.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Do you want me to say go check out Perkins 14 this week? Maybe it's better than say Butterfly Effect or it could be worse than Dying Breed. I really don't know.
It's a run of the mill horror movie, not PG-13 and has a few choice cuts of bloody goodness.
If that's good enough, see it. If it's not, you got 7 others to choose from.
Perkins 14 is an example of fan created horror. Not really a first, but a rare occurence in this day and age.
The film was developed by Massify.com. Writers submitted story ideas, audition tapes were uploaded and the cast and winning story were chosen.
So their tagline that a film invented, written, cast, voted for, chosen and created by YOU, isn't that farfetched.
Now part of the After Dark Horrorfest 2009 lineup we'll see if something created by US is actually fuckin good.
Here be the plot chosen by YOU.
Plot o rama
Robert Perkins builds an army of 14 people brainwashed through cult-like methods to protect him from his parents' killers. When Perkins is imprisoned, the police unwittingly unleash his followers on a small town and they've only got one thing on their mind: "Kill for Mr. Perkins."
After Dark Horrorfest 2009 finally has a full lineup for the 8 movies to die for. I've seen a few of the past horrofest flicks in the theatre in 07 and 08. Some were damn good, some were fuckin horrible.
It's scheduled from January 9th to January 15th, 2009.
I've watched some of the trailers (when available and read the vague plot summaries) and below is my list of what I'm fuckin excited to see.
Plot:Robert Perkins builds an army of 14 people brainwashed through cult-like methods to protect him from his parents' killers. When Perkins is imprisoned, the police unwittingly unleash his followers on a small town and they've only got one thing on their mind: "Kill for Mr. Perkins."
The Jaded Viewer says: Internet hype here has been fuckin relentless. But Manson like shit hitting the fan could possibly turn this into something fun.
Plot:Inspired by the legends of a 19th-century cannibal and an extinct tiger, this brutal horror-thriller centers on four friends who find out that something—or someone—murderous lurks in the rain-slogged Australian bush. The Jaded Viewer says: Australia has been churning some bloody decent horror of late. Kills a plenty from the trailer. Could it be rednecks? Ancient spirits of evil? Killer koalas?
Plot:The residents of a small American town begin to die one-by-one apparently by suicide... The Jaded Viewer says: The Sarah Connor Chronicles cast sure makes a lot of horror movies. Looks like the Happening, but will it be without the lame ending? Because suicides are fuckin funny...err....I mean sad. My guess, the suicides are caused by killer koalas.
Plot:A young woman tries to find her injured boyfriend in a bizzare and dangerous hospital The Jaded Viewer says: I'm a big fan of Dr. Giggles. So if some doctors perform some unauthorized surgeries on some hipsters, who am I to argue? I also am a big fan of bonesaws.
Plot:On a busy street in London, Gina thinks she sees herself drive past in her own car. Stunned by this strange event, Gina follows the mystery woman up to her apartment. From here, events take an eerie turn for the worse until Gina's awareness slides from solid reality into a world that will haunt more than just her nightmares.
The Jaded Viewer says: It's probably all the episodes of Sarah Connor Chronicles I;ve watcged but Lena Headey is fuckin hot. And the trailer shows her in a bathtub naked. Umm, I have no idea what this movie is about but the potential of gratuitous nudity from Sarah Connor. Score!
Plot:A young woman thinks she is leaving her abusive life behind when she moves to Atlanta and ends up living at her family farm. She quickly learns that abuse comes in even crueler forms. The Jaded Viewer says: Please let it be Luther the Geek who abuses her at the farm.
Trailer: None
7.) Voices aka Du saram-yida aka Someone Behind You
Plot:Ga-in, a smart, pretty girl who is loved by everyone, witnesses the deaths of people around her. She is then singled out as the next in line to die from the curse that has one person in each generation die at the hands of two people close to them. Ga-in searched for the truth about the curse with Suk-min, a boy who always lingers around her, and her boyfriend Heon-joong, but attacks on her life by those dearest to her, like her best friend and her mother, never cease... The Jaded Viewer says: Thats a fucked up curse. How about if she watches the cursed videotape from the Ring? Or gets a missed call? Which curse would kill her first? Is their a curse hierarchy?
Plot:Sequel to the 2003 cult movie in which a person can change the past via remembering their forgotten memories due to blackouts. The Jaded Viewer says: I never saw the first one, so I am hell not gonna see this one.