It's been a busy week?

I don't know anything anymore.

Diva has been doing her shorter school day for about a week now. The special-needs bus brings her home around 1:00 in the afternoon. She hangs around, watches TV, sleeps in the afternoon. I have no gumption to encourage anything else. I don't know what to do with her anyway. If we talk too much we end up fighting, so I'm trying to stay out of her way.

This is fucked up. This is not how I envisioned my life with my adopted children. Things were going to be so much better than this. There have been lots of missteps along the way. I did what I thought was right for a long time, and of course I made mistakes. But at some point a few years ago (probably five years if I had to guess) the balance tipped. I am in over my head with these kids. I don't know what to do and have no confidence to try much of anything anyway.

I read over the past few posts about Diva. I really do sound like a rotten mother. I have a bad attitude, that's for sure.

Sproing has been in jail for three weeks now. Not sure when he'll go before the judge again, but it will probably be within another three weeks. Superman and I had a good visit with him Saturday. He turned 16 a couple of weeks ago and is itching to try for his drivers' license as soon as he gets sprung from juvie. Yeah, we'll see. Really, I don't know. I think there should be an easy answer, that he definitely should (or should not) get his license yet. But I don't know and haven't the mental/emotional fortitude to figure it out. Or to stick with a plan.

And Twitch is home again. I drove down to Charleston last Thursday to get him and all his stuff. He's here. And pretending to look for a job, but not very hard in my estimation. He wants to go to Cincinnati (I don't know where that came from) to get a job, but he has no money, no prospects, nothing to go on. I told him to get a job here, make some money, do a bunch of research and job searching online and when he's got enough cash to make the move and a job to go to, then he'll be ready to go. He's been moping and mumbling around here since Friday. He helped his dad gather firewood on Sunday, that was helpful.

C moved out over the weekend. Twitch is now in the room C and his friend shared. This is the third time, if I recall, that C has lived here then moved away. This time is the worst yet. "How do you mean, Java?" Well, we had to kick him out this time. The other two times he motivated himself to go and had an apartment to go to. Now he moved in with some other friends and the situation is not ideal. It's a fairly small house with way more people than fit comfortably. Of course that could be said about this place. Also, the other residents have three dogs and there's a 5-year-old kid there at least part of the time. C doesn't deal with children well, and he has little patience for dogs (less for cats, but that's another story). C is a cook at the local Shoney's restaurant and doesn't seem to have any further dreams. He almost graduated from college but quit with two classes to go. Or maybe it was one. I don't remember. It looks to me like his life is stuck in idle and no one is at the controls. The clutch operator went out for a smoke break and hasn't returned in a while.

But he's gone from here, so hopefully that will help him kickstart his life again. He was definitely too comfortable here.

So lots of changes in the past week. In all of these things I feel a degree of guilt. Other feelings, too, but definitely guilt. Maybe it's misplaced, maybe not. Doesn't matter. It's what I'm dealing with. And not dealing well, either. On the other hand, I haven't gotten drunk since my last post. I have been eating too much, though. I feel a lot of pain right now, and I'm looking to food for some feel-good. I had a small ice cream thing a couple of hours ago and now my stomach feels unsettled. It didn't taste good enough to make me feel happy, either, so now I'm just sorry I ate it at all. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who can't eat when they're depressed, but really it's all bad, so whatever.

In happy news (the only happy news around here at all) Light had her Master of Fine Arts oral defense this morning. She passed! And her art show is this Saturday. She says everything is set up and looks good. Superman and Twitch will drive to western Pennsylvania on Thursday to spend the weekend with her, see her show, etc. I'm disappointed that I don't get to go, but Superman hasn't been to see her in nearly two years and I've been twice since then. I'll be here with Diva. Hopefully Sproing won't get out of jail until his dad gets back next Tuesday or Wednesday. So I'm happy as hell for Light, and glad that Superman and Twitch get to see her.

Today, that's all I got.

A moment for thought

Recently I've been chatting with a new blog buddy, Victor. (Look Victor! I figured out how to link to your profile!) We had a long chat last night about deep subjects. I thought! I thought about something besides the stress with my children. It was glorious! And I realize this morning (OK, it's afternoon. Work with me here.) that I almost never have time or energy to contemplate. Victor and I discussed, among other things, my adventures of last summer in West Virginia: the few days I spent alone in the rustic cabin at Babcock State Park, then wrecking the car, and the wonderful time Superman and I had together when he came to rescue me. That week means a lot to me. I had peace. I had space in my day and in my head to relax, to think about the whichness of why. If you don't know by now, I really like contemplating the whichness of why. Thinking is one of my favorite activities. Oh, and Victor compels me to think. He asks good questions, too.

So this morning I had motivation to get up and do some things around the house that I want and need to do. We're trying to clean up, clear up, eliminate the unnecessary stuff in our home. And by extension, I guess, in our lives. I say "we" because it's a joint effort, but really it's all about me. (Isn't it always?)

However (and isn't this always the case) once I was up and about, the children interfered with my peace. Diva argued with me when I set her to a job (that she'd been told to do over a week ago and had done it insufficiently). She got pissy. I've been feeling pretty pissy myself for the past few days. Moving along... and Sproing bounces in my face and taunts me. I tell you, that sort of thing takes the wind out of my sails.

Is this normal? Is something wrong with me that I am not able to complete my appointed rounds (so to speak) when I encounter kid interference? Maybe my ADD contributes to the problem. Or perhaps the over-the-top abnormal behavior of these children has stressed me out to the point that I am so easily derailed. The arguments from Diva are kind of normal for teenagers her age and level of maturity. But because she is abnormal in so many pathological ways I guess I'm hyper sensitive to her behavior. I have less patience with her than perhaps I would or should if she wasn't so nuts.

Listen to me. I'm talking about the children again. Dammit. There are other things in my life! Things I want to think about, discoveries I need to make about who I am becoming.

A lot has changed in my life in the past decade. Ten years ago I was a faithful Bible-believing Christian actively involved in a conservative church. Was it seven years ago now? I caught the gay. Met C, grew to love him, and came to the realization that there is nothing wrong with being gay. It's normal, natural, and not at all what I'd been taught. Questioning the church's teaching on homosexuality led to more questions about the validity of other things the church teaches about the Bible and society.

I've had a sea change in personal worldview. These things require a lot of thought. I need to review events in my past, reframed with my new perspective. Have I had time to do that? Hell no. I've been dragged through the wringer... well, you know. Read most of my archives for the past couple of years. It's been hell with these two adolescent lunatics. Bitter? Oh yeah.

I got a couple of hours of freedom from those stresses last night chatting with Victor. I am unbelievably grateful, Victor, for the conversation we shared.

I would post a new entry but there's a cat on my arms

It's been a while, and I've missed you. I say that often, and I mean it every time.

I'm getting tired of school. It's tedious. Perhaps I'm bored with it. This is probably normal. I'm not going to fret about it just now.

The leaves are finally turning. It's the middle of November, for cryin' out loud! Don't we usually see fall colors earlier than this around here? I don't remember. Sad, I've lived at this latitude for close to two decades and I can't remember what fall looks like. We've had some cool days and a couple of light frosts. Today and yesterday were overcast with some rain, which I enjoy in moderation. Sometimes the clear bright days of fall are too bright for my tired old eyes. The rain is restful.

I'm currently procrastinating. I've got two important assignments that need attention, one that's due tomorrow morning. That's what I've come to tell you about. I'm having a hard time putting this mess into words, much less figuring out what to do with it once it's written. Let me explain.

Art. The assignment is to sculpt a narrative, to tell a story of something from my life. First of all I need to write the story. That's the part that's due tomorrow. I've decided (and the professor strongly encouraged me) to tell the story of my transformation from homophobic right wing religious goody-two-shoes to the more open, affirming GLBT advocate I am today. Those of you who have followed this blog for a while know the story. It's a story of abstract concepts without many concrete nouns that are easy to depict with clay. I've been struggling since last Friday to figure out what parts of the story to tell and how to tell it. Right now I'm rambling here on the blog, tossing around ideas in hopes that things will coalesce.

the church - religion - belief and conviction - cognitive dissonance - evidence to the contrary - change, radical change - reexamination - love - acceptance - curiosity - emotional upheaval - nervous breakdown - [have you identified any concrete nouns yet?] - rejection/acceptance - questioning fundamental assumptions - personal growth -

That's about it, as far as I can think now. I'm now going to take my ramblings to the document and make the mess there, then hopefully sort it into a coherent narrative. If it works I'll post it here later.

What’s going on here, Java?

We are rapidly approaching the end of our spring break here in this school district. School resumes on Monday. Since I work in Pupil Transportation I will go back to work on Monday.

Except I won't, because I'm having a spot of vertigo. Well, it's more like a large smear of vertigo. For a spot of vertigo I wouldn't change my plans. When the vertigo colors outside the lines and gets rude, I need to curtail my activities. I'm having a lot of dizzy spells that almost send me to the floor. It is of course worse when I change the position of my head rapidly, bend over, stand up, or turn around. All of the aforementioned movements are major components of my job. If I get dizzy while driving a multi-ton bus through the busy streets of this city, it could be bad. So I won't be driving the school bus at all next week on orders from my doctor.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. And let me tell you why. I have wanted to talk to you about this all week, but haven't had the peace and quiet to write.

I have decided to quit my job.

This year was going to be my last year driving the bus; I decided that a while ago. But my intention was to work out the rest of the year. For the past few weeks, though, I've been getting more and more stressed, less and less able to fully function. I am constantly bombarded with demands for my time and energy. Yeah, I know, welcome to the real world, baby. But I am not entirely well.

I have some options and opportunities not afforded to some. My dear husband has a very good job and makes a decent salary. We are used to my income, too, but we can, I think, live without it. It isn't very much, anyway! Our money management skills need some work, that is a weakness Superman and I share. With some discipline and organization I'm sure we can manage without my measly paycheck. Of course if I'm not working every afternoon we don't need to put the young'uns in childcare. That's a big savings right off the top.

My life has undergone some big changes over the last 2 years. My sanity's only so-so. (Extra bonus points if you can name that reference!) I feel as though there are more big changes in the near future. More about that in a moment. My mind, my soul need the quiet opportunity to process these changes and to prepare for the future. This cannot be accomplished with the current level of demand on my time and energy. This week with everyone out of school I realized that I can't concentrate with the young'uns running in and out, asking questions and making demands all the time. So I decided to tender my resignation, giving two weeks notice on Monday. Now that I can't work all next week, this shakes it up a bit. I think I will still resign on Monday anyway, and maybe not be able to work out my notice.

Am I trying to explain or to convince myself?

The bus driving job has always been a temporary station in my overall career path. I never expected it to last this long, honestly. I have learned a great deal about a lot of things over the past almost 4 years, most notably about myself. I don't regret one moment of it.

But be honest with me, people, do I seem smart enough to do something more with my life than drive a school bus? I realize I have made a positive impact on a lot of people during my time on the bus. I'm glad for that. Can I make a bigger difference in another venue? One that utilizes my skills, abilities, and intelligence better than driving a bus? Probably. Lord I hope so!

Some of my depression might come from my over-qualification for this job. I try so hard to look for positives. I make excuses for my lack of mental stimulation. This happens subconsciously. I find myself lowering my expectations so that I'm not so frustratingly disappointed. And we wonder why I'm depressed! There are many good reasons to get out of this job. The approaching hot season is another one. Not as intellectual, more physical, but honestly folks, I have a really hard time handling the heat. These buses are not air conditioned, and it gets very hot in there when the temps rise above 80F. (I'm a weather wuss.)

Here's more about these big changes ahead. Right now I don't know exactly where I'm going. I have a burning desire to work directly with the homosexual community to enact change, to render aid, to provide support and education. That's a pretty vague mission statement, you know? I don't know how this will work out, but I am heading in that direction. For this I need to prepare. I need to set my mind toward the task. I need (want) more formal education. I need to find out what more I need!

This is going to require a lot of emotional growth from me. That's hard. I've been stuck in the backwaters of adulthood for 20 years. My recent blogging experience has been the first significant intellectually stimulating interaction with live adult people that I've had in a very long time. (Present spouse excepted) There are some issues for me to work on. I need to get comfortable being around groups of people again. Gotta fight the agoraphobia. I should learn how to behave myself in polite company. Those skills will serve me well. I have a lot of unrealized potential. So much so that I don't realize how much potential I have.

Am I justified in quitting my job right now? Am I being irresponsible in my obligations? Or am I being wise in managing my mental/emotional resources? Discuss.