Update on All My Children (mine, not the daytime drama)

Some of you have asked for updates on my children. Ready? GO!

Light
Light is 28 years old now. She finally graduated with her Masters of Fine Arts about a year ago. She still lives in western Pennsylvania (where it gets seriously cold) about an hour east of Pittsburgh. The barista job was a good one, but she outgrew it. She's now a baker in a bakery two blocks from her apartment. I got a call from her last week: "Mom! It was 60° yesterday and today I'm walking to work in 4 inches of SNOW!" From all accounts, she loves her job. One of her bosses is a French man who loves me. I know this because he speaks with a French accent and he gives me sweet baked goods every time I visit.

And she's getting married!! In April. In Pennsylvania. To a transgender man. It's fitting, since Light is bisexual or possibly pansexual, I'm not sure if it matters, but marrying a trans man, kinda getting a bit of both? Anyway, he's a lovely young fellow, a couple of years younger than Light, named J. He graduated with a BA in religious studies and some kind of English composition thing the same semester Light graduated. He wants to go to grad school for to be a writer of poems or maybe fiction I think. The grad school he most wants to go to is in Nebraska. I'm not crazy about the idea of Nebraska. Not that there's anything wrong with Nebraska, necessarily, but it's far far away from South Carolina.  J has some health issues, possibly Rheumatoid Arthritis though that hasn't been diagnosed. I worry about him. He says I worry too much.

So I'm focused on the wedding. I will be making her wedding dress. We have the fabric, the pattern, and I made a "muslin", a trial run with the pattern in some unimportant fabric. It needs tweaking. And it's time to start seriously working on it. Yeah, as soon as I can move again. (Creak, Groan, Other Old Lady Noises)

Twitch
Twitch will turn 27 years old on Valentine's Day. He's doing so well! I'm proud of him. He's always been a bit behind the curve socially. I'm sure he's on the Autism Spectrum, though high functioning. He also has Tourette's Syndrome; thankfully he has grown out of a lot of his more obvious tics. He's got a great job now. He worked at Arby's for a few years after he graduated from college (with a degree in graphic design, a profession he's never worked in). Last year he achieved employment at our favorite brick oven pizzeria and beer micro brewery. By all accounts it's a fantastic place to work and he does good work. He's in the kitchen making sandwiches and other entree stuff. The pizza station is behind the bar, very public, everybody watches. Twitch, his mother's son, doesn't like being on stage like that. He can make the pizzas but prefers being in the kitchen.

The crew there has a family style closeness. Employee turnover is rare, slow, whatever ya' call it. Twitch seems to fit in well. He's a unique guy, kind of an acquired taste, and I think the crew accepts him well, uniqueness and all.

Twitch has the adulting thing under control. Yes, he's young and makes choices I think aren't as wise as perhaps they should be, but overall he's truckin' along. Pays his bills, fulfills his obligations, helps out his mom and dad occasionally. It's good.

Diva
Oh boy. The Diva lives in Greenville now, in her own apartment I think. That's what she tells me anyway. OMG she showed up on our doorstep one afternoon last spring. I opened the door and stood there staring at her, stuttering, opening and closing my mouth in goldfish fashion. She laughed at me (kindly, not cruelly) and said "you're speechless!" I'm rarely speechless. We hadn't seen nor heard from her in maybe 18 months. I kinda freaked out. Ended up taking her out to IHOP for late lunch. We made friendly conversation.

I haven't seen her since, though we have communicated by email a few times. Her birthday is December 4th, and I sent an electronic birthday greeting. She wrote back, mentioned a book she was reading (reading a book?! Oh wow!) and wanted the next book in the series, so I ordered it from Amazon and had it sent to her. In doing so I learned her address. Looked it up on Google street view. It ain't fancy, but isn't gross either. She's working in fast food still, perhaps two jobs, I'm unclear about details. She also said something about being a manager. I think she means assistant manager, but I could be wrong. The girl has moxie, chutzpah, and a tenuous grasp of reality so she's likely to try things that I doubt she has aptitude for. Perhaps I'm underestimating her and she can do more than I believe of her. Her book smarts are weak, but she's got a particular social intelligence that takes her places.

Superman wants nothing to do with her. A brief synopsis: when she left home at 17-and-three-quarters, he helped her get into an apartment very close to the store where she worked. The deal was she would pay two thirds to three quarters of her rent, he'd pitch in the rest. They had specific monetary amounts in this deal. Since she wasn't 18 yet, she couldn't sign the lease, so of course Superman did. Then, surprising no one, she reneged on her responsibilities. Actually didn't pay a cent if I understand the situation. Ended up, after rent payments and penalties and fees, he was out over $3000. Even worse was the betrayal. She seemed to be so capable, was acting all responsible for a minute, and he had great hope. But true to form, she broke the faith. She broke him, a little bit. Definitely broke that relationship.

I now approach her with caution. I want to remain in contact with her, to check up, see how she's doing. I care about her well-being. But I know from sad experience how much she can hurt me, how she's turned on me every time in the past. I don't want her all up in my bid'ness, do NOT want the drama that constantly surrounds her! Pretty sure she doesn't want me in her business either. But it's good (bittersweet?) to know where she is and how she's doing.

Sproing
Sproing. Now there's a topic. Cut to the chase: he's in prison. Big boy prison. The real deal. Projected release date August of 2019. He'll be 21 years old then. Now, there's a possibility he'll get out earlier, but I don't know and neither does he. He's incarcerated in the Turbeville, South Carolina facility. Before he went there I didn't know that Turbeville, SC existed. I don't think there's much there except the prison. Florence, SC is the closest city.

He's in prison now because he violated probation. This is for his 2nd degree burglary charge he got in August of 2016? I think. He's been on probation for two years and hasn't fulfilled his obligations, but did fail a drug test. He smokin' da weed, mon. Not that I care about it, but this state does. His probation officer does. I'm not sure if it was the drug test or failure to pay any restitution that put him in prison. But there he is. He had a court appearance in mid September to review his probation and the judge said "Nope. Do not pass go, do not collect jack shit, go to jail." Prison, actually.

I was in Florida at the time helping my Mama move from the Orlando area to Merritt Island. And avoiding hurricane Irma. Can't remember where Superman was, but iirc he was out of town, too, for a couple of days. Anyway the dog and cat needed tending and Sproing was gone. Think I called Twitch to come do pet duty until his dad got home.

I don't even know what to say about Sproing. I'm disappointed, nay heartbroken that he has gotten himself into this situation. I strongly suspect racial profiling plays a part in how he got to this point, but he did in fact commit burglary in the 2nd degree. The young'un has aligned himself with criminal peers, gone to places where he would look suspicious, and blatantly broken the law a number of times since he was still a juvenile.

Sproing talks about wanting to get his GED, go to college, play college baseball then try the pro's. That baseball talk sounds implausible to me. He could probably get his GED if he concentrated and applied himself. I know he could get into college with a GED, but whether he'd succeed there is another matter. He's smart enough, but unless many things change, he's not disciplined enough. He also talks about wanting to help out around the house, help take care of Superman and me.* But when he's here he's rude and disrespectful, reluctant (or blatantly refuses) to do any kind of chore we ask of him.

In conclusion
Superman and I now have the house to ourselves! Well, plus the cat. Did I tell you the dog died? It was very sad. He was only four years old when he got sick last November (October?). We didn't notice anything amiss until he was very sick. No, it was in September when I was still in Florida. I spent most of September in Florida. Superman took him (Oreo the dog) to the vet, who ran blood tests the results of which came back with weird numbers. Like, the leukocytes outnumbered everything else so that they couldn't find the other blood component they were looking for. iirc. Honestly, the details escape me now. Oreo had Leukemia with complications, like some kind of serious infection that couldn't heal. Oh, he was bad. Superman and I took him to the vet to be euthanized. It was sad. Hard. He had been such a good dog, Sproing's dog, and Sproing hadn't taken good care of him. Of course we took up the slack providing for him, but he didn't get the kind of attention and exercise he needed.

So, to get back to my story, see, we're left with just the cat, who is right now sitting on my forearms as I attempt to type this. She's kinda heavy. Although successful, it isn't easy. Black Fuzzy Cat don't give a shit.

But let me tell you, we LOVE the empty nest! We do not at all miss having young people live in our house. When Sproing gets out of prison he will NOT be moving back in. (Dunno what he's gonna do; we'll worry about that as time approaches.)

Oh! P.S. Diva is 20 now, and Sproing turns 20 this Wednesday, January 24th.

*It's Superman and me because if I left off the first person mentioned, the sentence would be "... help take care of me." It's not difficult to figure out. "Help take care of I" is obviously, painfully wrong. So, simple check, if you were to only mention yourself, would you say "I" or "me"? Whichever fits there is also the word to use when saying "(the other person) and I/me". Thus ends the grammar lesson.

Ugh - Now With Updates!

Diva is here tonight. Superman and I had to get her from her birth mom Janice's house this evening. She has her court appearance (for third degree assault and giving false info to police) tomorrow morning and Janice couldn't bring her here, so she texted me this morning asking if we could provide transportation.

So at 9 tomorrow morning (Tuesday) I'll take her to the courthouse, then sit there watching the parade. If the judge lets her go, I'll take her back to Janice. If the judge sentences her to jail time, I'll leave dancing a jig of mourning.

I will update this post with the results of our adventure in the next day or so, so stay tuned.

As I write this update it is Wednesday afternoon. In completely unrelated news, our auto insurance expires and renews today, but we haven't received the proof of insurance cards yet. Either that or they came and the envelope was misplaced. A likely scenario in my world. 

But I'm stalling. 

Diva isn't here right now. Yes, Slugmama, I danced a jig of mourning as she was hauled off to the county detention center. The jig was more of a thought exercise than me actually bouncing my fat ass in the county municipal building. 

The judge dismissed the assault charge - nolle prosequi, which I've always pronounced nolo process, but I'm no JD. They nabbed her on giving false information. For those of you just tuning in, she was in a fight on the school bus a week after she turned 17. The cops were called, she told them she was 15 to avoid being charged as an adult. Then of course while processing the report it came to light that she was actually 17. She was arrested right here in our living room on New Years Eve. It was the most exciting thing we did on NYE this (last) year, but we're boring. 

The fine, I guess it's the maximum fine but we didn't know that, was $1092 or 30 days in jail. The judge reduced the fine to $175 or 10 days in jail. Well, we aren't going to pay one thin dime for her mess. We've suffered enough expense, both monetary and emotional, on behalf of this child for the last 16 years. Diva tried to call her bio-dad, Robert, but he wasn't available. She texted Janice, who couldn't do anything about it but asked Diva if we were going to pay. HA! When she couldn't contact anyone else, they took her across the street to jail. I was giddy! I giggled all the way home. (Which little piggy does that?) 


Robert called me in the afternoon when he got a free minute and we had a very nice conversation. I like Robert. He indicated that he was going to come down to Greenwood from where he lives near Spartanburg to pay her fine and take her home. Not my home, mind you, but either Janice's or his. I talked to him again last night and he said he'd be here in the morning to get her, but I haven't heard anything from them. She brought a few things here when we got her Monday night and I expect she'll come by to get them. Maybe not. 

I spoke with the clerk of court (I think that's her position) about Diva's sentence. She said Diva will only spend 5 days in jail unless she acts up. Time off for good behavior. So 30 days really means 5. Good grief. Also the fine will be reduced a bit for every day she stays in jail. That makes sense. 

So right now I don't actually know where Diva is. She might be in jail, she might be with Robert. I really don't care (much*) as long as she isn't here!

* She's my daughter. We tried (Lord knows, we tried) to make this family work, to integrate her into the family as befits a daughter. She has resisted our efforts almost from the first, when we got custody of her on February 4, 1999. Almost 16 years ago exactly. I have invested so much in this relationship, in her. We have 16 years of history together. It is impossible for me to divorce myself from her emotionally. I mourn the family that we could have been. For my health and sanity I'm letting it go (shaking it off, as is so popular these days) inasmuch as I am able. It is a complicated relationship, and she will always to some extent be my daughter. So of course I will always care about her, what happens to her, what she does. But I will no longer wrap my life around her. 

It's been a busy week?

I don't know anything anymore.

Diva has been doing her shorter school day for about a week now. The special-needs bus brings her home around 1:00 in the afternoon. She hangs around, watches TV, sleeps in the afternoon. I have no gumption to encourage anything else. I don't know what to do with her anyway. If we talk too much we end up fighting, so I'm trying to stay out of her way.

This is fucked up. This is not how I envisioned my life with my adopted children. Things were going to be so much better than this. There have been lots of missteps along the way. I did what I thought was right for a long time, and of course I made mistakes. But at some point a few years ago (probably five years if I had to guess) the balance tipped. I am in over my head with these kids. I don't know what to do and have no confidence to try much of anything anyway.

I read over the past few posts about Diva. I really do sound like a rotten mother. I have a bad attitude, that's for sure.

Sproing has been in jail for three weeks now. Not sure when he'll go before the judge again, but it will probably be within another three weeks. Superman and I had a good visit with him Saturday. He turned 16 a couple of weeks ago and is itching to try for his drivers' license as soon as he gets sprung from juvie. Yeah, we'll see. Really, I don't know. I think there should be an easy answer, that he definitely should (or should not) get his license yet. But I don't know and haven't the mental/emotional fortitude to figure it out. Or to stick with a plan.

And Twitch is home again. I drove down to Charleston last Thursday to get him and all his stuff. He's here. And pretending to look for a job, but not very hard in my estimation. He wants to go to Cincinnati (I don't know where that came from) to get a job, but he has no money, no prospects, nothing to go on. I told him to get a job here, make some money, do a bunch of research and job searching online and when he's got enough cash to make the move and a job to go to, then he'll be ready to go. He's been moping and mumbling around here since Friday. He helped his dad gather firewood on Sunday, that was helpful.

C moved out over the weekend. Twitch is now in the room C and his friend shared. This is the third time, if I recall, that C has lived here then moved away. This time is the worst yet. "How do you mean, Java?" Well, we had to kick him out this time. The other two times he motivated himself to go and had an apartment to go to. Now he moved in with some other friends and the situation is not ideal. It's a fairly small house with way more people than fit comfortably. Of course that could be said about this place. Also, the other residents have three dogs and there's a 5-year-old kid there at least part of the time. C doesn't deal with children well, and he has little patience for dogs (less for cats, but that's another story). C is a cook at the local Shoney's restaurant and doesn't seem to have any further dreams. He almost graduated from college but quit with two classes to go. Or maybe it was one. I don't remember. It looks to me like his life is stuck in idle and no one is at the controls. The clutch operator went out for a smoke break and hasn't returned in a while.

But he's gone from here, so hopefully that will help him kickstart his life again. He was definitely too comfortable here.

So lots of changes in the past week. In all of these things I feel a degree of guilt. Other feelings, too, but definitely guilt. Maybe it's misplaced, maybe not. Doesn't matter. It's what I'm dealing with. And not dealing well, either. On the other hand, I haven't gotten drunk since my last post. I have been eating too much, though. I feel a lot of pain right now, and I'm looking to food for some feel-good. I had a small ice cream thing a couple of hours ago and now my stomach feels unsettled. It didn't taste good enough to make me feel happy, either, so now I'm just sorry I ate it at all. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who can't eat when they're depressed, but really it's all bad, so whatever.

In happy news (the only happy news around here at all) Light had her Master of Fine Arts oral defense this morning. She passed! And her art show is this Saturday. She says everything is set up and looks good. Superman and Twitch will drive to western Pennsylvania on Thursday to spend the weekend with her, see her show, etc. I'm disappointed that I don't get to go, but Superman hasn't been to see her in nearly two years and I've been twice since then. I'll be here with Diva. Hopefully Sproing won't get out of jail until his dad gets back next Tuesday or Wednesday. So I'm happy as hell for Light, and glad that Superman and Twitch get to see her.

Today, that's all I got.

I have been away

I went to Florida. See? This is what Florida looks like.

 Bermuda grass in my brother Mike's back yard. Salt marsh beyond.

 More of Mike's back yard, with oak trees covered in Spanish Moss. 

 The neighbor's house and more Spanish Moss, oak trees, and this time a banana tree and some Spanish Bayonet. Very Floridian.  

 Here is New Smyrna Beach on the east coast of Florida. Looks like a beach. 

 The tide was near high. Here's some sea foam. It isn't green. I didn't taste it, though it looks like merengue. 

Palm trees! This time in the Orlando area in a Publix (grocery) parking lot. 

I went to Florida by myself, the immediate family stayed home. Light came home from Pennsylvania on Wednesday, but I left for Florida the Sunday previous. Stayed at Mike's house for one night (he wasn't there. It was peaceful and I enjoyed it.) Then went to Mama's for a couple of days. Then Mama and I (in separate cars) went to Gainesville so as to spend Thanksgiving with my brother Jim and his family. Jim and his wife host Thanksgiving dinner nearly every year, with the family and various friends in attendance. Since I live so far from the rest of my extended family, I have never been to one of Jim's Thanksgiving meals. I was thrilled. See, pictures! 

 A blurry picture of my mother, not posing. In the first picture I took of her, she had her posed smile on. It isn't as nice as natural. But then she did the whole "I'm drinking a glass of wine" thing, so what's a daughter to do? 

 This is my step-mother, the recently widowed one. She's doing as well as can be expected. She lives next door to Jim. I stayed at her house. 

This is part of the thanksgiving spread, the appetizers. I was too excited about turkey and a nap to take any pictures of the actual feast table. The food was excellent. I love a well cooked turkey. And stuffing. And turkey gravy. And a nap afterward. 

The real reason I went to Florida for Thanksgiving is that we, the family, buried my dad's ashes the day after Thanksgiving. But I'll leave that for another post, because I want to, this might get too long, and Light (who is here visiting still! I get to see her!!) is waiting for me to finish this mess and go out with her to visit a friend. Light is, however, glad that I'm getting another post up, because that strange oriental gentleman with the underwear on his head from the previous post scares her.  

And here we are again

I have my computer back now. It had a nasty Trojan (is that supposed to be capitalized in this context?) that was erasing my registry or something. The nice fella at the repair shop fixed it, maybe. He said it was a particularly nasty one. The first time I started up the computer it did well, but since has been very slow to start. I may need to call the guy on Monday. Nevertheless it is good to have my own computer back.

I had the esophagogastroduodenoscopy on Wednesday. Did I tell you about that? I know I mentioned that I was scheduled for the procedure. It's an upper G.I. endoscopy. The doc snaked a tube with a camera on the end down my throat, into my stomach, and on to the first section of my intestine (the duodenum). It all looks good, he said. He took a few "clippings" from my stomach for biopsy or something because he said it was ever so slightly darker pink than perhaps it should be. I suppose I'll hear something from my family doctor once the results come back. I'm not worried.

My body heard that we are anemic. So what does the uterus do? She decides to bleed profusely for a couple of days. Not cool, uterus. It's not even time for that yet. You're supposed to wait another week or two, according to our most recent schedule.

Have been pretty depressed this week. Why? I dunno. Why does depression happen? I think that's the wrong question to ask, though I can say that hormones probably contribute to this episode. I don't want to go out anywhere or do anything. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist for this coming Monday but I called to cancel it Friday. I intend to reschedule, but the office was closed when I called so I have to call back to reschedule. There was a menu option to cancel appointments, though, on the answering program. I appreciate that.

I'm supposed to go to Florida for Thanksgiving. Have we discussed this? We're to bury my dad's ashes on the day after Thanksgiving. Light is coming home to South Carolina for this holiday, and Twitch got Tuesday through Friday off work so he'll be here from Charleston. All of this means that if I go to Florida, I'll go alone. Anyone who's read this blog for any length of time knows that I'm all about solo road trips! This time, though, I'm just not feeling it. A practical reason: my truck needs a work-over from the mechanic. That "check engine" light that started blaring on my way up through Vermont is still shining as soon as the truck warms up. We haven't had room in the budget to get it checked out. And otherwise, I kinda don't really want to see my Florida family. Especially not all together at one time. I usually do OK one on one with each of them, mostly, for brief periods. I'm supposed to spend a couple of days with my Mama in the Orlando area before T'giving, then go up to Gainesville for the holiday. Friday we'll go from Gainesville to the little town where my dad's family has cemetary plots. His parents, grandparents, and uncles are all buried there and it's where he wanted to be placed. Then either Friday or Saturday (depending on how long this thing lasts Friday) I'll drive back home. If I go.

I will get to see Light if I go to Florida because she doesn't fly back to Pennsylvania until the Monday after Thanksgiving. I'll miss Twitch, but I've seen him fairly recently anyway. He's only about four hours away, which makes for a nice drive especially if Superman and I go together without other passengers.

And now that I've discussed the Florida trip, I'm more willing to go. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm not making any decisions about it now because the hormones and depression influence me too much. I'll think about it in another week or two. Of course that gets really close to travel time, but I've told the family that I'm going, and if I end up going, they'll not know I almost didn't. You know what I mean?

My last post was way too long, so before this one gets any longer I'm going to end it.

Sunday again: ramblings and updates

Early Saturday morning I woke from a dream in which it was late Sunday. You know how reality is ephemeral when you begin to wake up? I didn't know what day it was.


I saw the doctor about my floater. It's nothing to worry about (probably) but he wants to see me in three months to check on it. He had his bright shine-in-my-eye light and what looked a bit like a jeweler's loupe that he used to see inside my eyeball. He saw the cat hair/spider in there and exclaimed "That's a big one!" (pause for snickering) He said it'll probably become less noticeable as time goes by. I'm glad I had it checked out. Also, he dilated my eyes. I have specifically put in a standing order for cloudy days when I must have my eyes dilated, but alas, that day was bright and sunny. I survived. The vision in my right eye (not the one with the big floater) has deteriorated again. Seems it's about as bad as the left eye now. Meh. I need new glasses.

Since Twitch moved out (to Charleston, where he now has a job!) my old office which was his bedroom is once again vacant. Light had that room before she left for college all those years ago. Six years it's been now! She painted half the room a dark and stormy blue, and it's been bothering me since I started using the room. So yesterday Superman and I painted over the dark with Kilz 2 primer.  Man that lightens up the space! Makes it seem bigger, more open. I haven't decided what color to use on that wall, but I'm looking into something very light. I want to use the room for sewing and crafts also, and the walls need to be light and close to neutral to prevent the wall color from influencing how I perceive the fabric colors. Gray, white, or beige don't do it for me, you know? So I think perhaps a pretty cream or maybe a very light blue. We'll see.

Interesting quotes seen on my Kindle:
"The unanswered in science is solution-ized with research." - from a book description. I didn't buy that book.
"If wishes were horses, that accounts for all this horse manure." - Barbara Morganroth, If Wishes Were Horses
"When whiskey talks it rarely counsels prudence." - Anthony McDonald, Matches in the Dark: 13 Tales of Gay Men

I woke up very early this morning, before 5 I think. Couldn't get back to sleep. Poor Superman had trouble getting to sleep in the first place, so he got up and read something boring to put him to sleep. Didn't work. When he came back to bed I sort of woke up. I don't know if got back to sleep then, or if I've been awake since then. Anyway, I'm very sleepy now. Think i'll take a morning nap.

Good grief

So yeah, I guess it has been a while since I put up a post here. I've been avoiding the internet again. Nothing personal, y'all. Just depressed.

The kids got back into school last Tuesday. They've been at school for just over a week and neither of them has been suspended yet. Yay! I haven't had any calls from the principals. So far so good. Diva says she has all A's so far. She's also going to be part of the girls' volleyball team, sort of. She's been drafted as a line guard or something. She'll watch the boundary line (or whatever it's called) and judge whether the ball is in, out, or on the line. Good for her. She really is trying to keep her nose clean and do the right thing. I'm annoyed with her, but I think that has more to do with the antagonism between the two of us.

I don't want to talk about Sproing. Suffice to say he isn't behaving well. Got another B&E charge (felony) a couple of weeks ago. Still hasn't been to court. Grrrr.

Twitch is moving to Charleston! (South Carolina) He spent last week there with a couple of friends and looked for a job. So far nothing, but he did pay September rent at the apartment there. He'll be the third roommate with those friends. It is my fervent hope that he is gainfully employed within the month and can afford October rent. It's a good move, him leaving here and moving to Charleston. I don't want him to have to come back home. He doesn't either. Superman and I will take Twitch and his load of stuff to Charleston on Saturday. I'm looking forward to seeing Twitch's new apartment and spending some time alone with my husband after we drop off Twitch at his new home.

I am relieved that the annoying teenagers are back in school. I've not recovered from the summer break. Seriously. My nerves are raw and I can't think clearly. Is this a minor case of PTSD? Maybe. I feel as though I'm wounded.

Shall we talk about the dog? Oreo. Predominantly black lab, with rumors of pit bull parentage and signs of possible other breed influences. Dalmatian has been suggested. I'll tell you what, though, he's a smart pup. He's about 6 months old, maybe 6.5. We have him in beginner obedience classes at PetSmart. He learns fast. He is a very good dog. We have considered finding him a new home because we are not really ready to have another dog right now. However, the longer we have him and work with him, the more we want to keep him. If you recall, Sproing brought him home, saying he'd take good care of him, etc. Yeah, right. I said "no." Superman said "no" but the dog (for reasons I can't recall) spent the weekend here, at which point Superman changed his position on keeping the dog. Although he's a wonderful dog, he is a puppy and requires a lot of work, supervision, and diligence to keep him from chewing up my entire house. Right now I want to keep the dog and get rid of Sproing. If only it were that easy.

Do we want to talk about my depression? Disclaimer: I do not want to hurt myself, have no plans to do so. There is no joy in my life. I have a good life, indeed, and I am deeply loved. That helps. I am mortally tired of the shit I have to deal with. I don't really know how to describe it. I'm stuck. Pretty worthless for many values of "worth." Oh, I have many fine qualities, but really? Day to day I'm barely surviving.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Braves baseball helps. Fewer than six weeks left in the season, and "we" (the Braves) are almost a shoo-in for post-season playoffs. We're 13 games ahead of second place in the National League Eastern Division. And as of this evening we have the highest win percentage of any other team in the MLB. For most of my readers, that means jack shit. The significance here is that I'm not too depressed to want to watch Braves baseball. So it could be worse.

And that's all I know.

Yes, I'm still here **With Update!

Hello my peeps! I've missed you. I have been kind of busy. Right now I'm in Florida again, this time with Twitch. Twitch is all over my nerves, too. He complains all the time and makes excuses for why he can't do whatever is suggested to him. I don't want to talk about him right now.

I'm very tired. It's quite late, and I've had a busy day. There are a few things I want to relate, but don't know how much I'll remember to say right now. But I really want to get something up here before you all forget about me. And right now I need my blog friends.

Sunday afternoon is the memorial "life celebration" party for my dad. I've been here since Wednesday. My brother Mike arrived today. My brother Jim lives next door to my step-mom's house, so he's always here. My Uncle John (Daddy's brother) was here when I got here, don't know how long he's been here. Yesterday my step-mom's son Tom arrived. It's very good for him to be here. He needs to see how his mom is. She's got Parkinson's and it's getting worse. Not sure what she needs, or what Tom and his brother Sam will be able to do. I'm concerned about her.

Just this evening (Friday night... I know it's officially Saturday, but I'm still working on Friday) we had some good discussion, processing as a family through Daddy's death. There will be more. Tomorrow (Saturday) is a day to prepare the house for the party. It's gonna be a big one, I think. Lots of people have said they're attending. Lots of details to iron out.

Light flew in to Orlando this evening. My Mama picked her up. Mama lives in the greater Orlando area, so she and Light are spending the night there at Mama's house and will drive up to Gainesville tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing my daughter. I guess I'm looking forward to seeing my mother, too, but really I want to see Light.

OK, lets get on to a few other things that have come to mind recently. Let's try bullet points, shall we?

• Had sushi for lunch today. Shopped at a Fresh Market store near the step-mom's house and picked it up from the deli counter. It is pre-packaged from "Sushi with Gusto" which came from, of all places, Greer, South Carolina. Greer is an hour north of Greenwood. So yeah, my lunch today that I ate in Florida was actually made close to my house and followed me down to Florida for me to eat. For the record, it was tasty. 
• The stores in Gainesville have much better beer selections than anything I've found in Greenwood. I got some Samuel Adams Cream Stout, which I am currently testing. And enjoying quite a bit, thank you. Yummy stuff!! I also tried Stella Artois today for the first time. That is available in G'wood, but I've never tried it before. It's OK. Definitely drinkable, but not remarkable. The Cream Stout is definitely remarkable! I got a whole 6-pack of it, so some should make it back home for Superman to share. I was able to get a "make your own 6-pack" from the Publix, which is where I added the Stella Artois. Also got some Magic Hat stuff, can't remember now what it is. Haven't tried it yet. And other stuff that looked good at the time but I forget about now that I'm not looking at it.
• I stayed in my step-mom's house the first night we were here, then moved to a hotel. My Uncle John had reserved a room for himself, but changed the reservations to my name for reasons I'm unclear about. Whatever. He's paying for it. As I said to Mike today, it's on Uncle John's dime, and he has more dimes than I do. It's a much nicer place than I'd have chosen, but I like it. Last night Twitch was with me. Tonight he is at his Uncle Jim's place sleeping on an air mattress in Jim's game room. I am blissfully alone. Did I mention that Twitch and I have had a bit too much together time this week?
• Light will stay with me for the next two nights. She goes back to Orlando with Mama, flies back home Monday afternoon. I'll check out of the hotel Monday and go back to step-mom's house. Her son Tom is leaving on Monday, so I'll get his bedroom I guess. I'm fine with that. I'm finer with staying in this hotel though. This is Florida, and all the people here are used to living here in this heat and humidity. The crazies leave their air conditioning set to nearly 80. It's awful. I can't change my step-mom's thermostat, of course, but here in the hotel I can crank the temp down to a more comfortable range. I'm finally blessedly cool! I fear I might freeze Light out tomorrow night. Though she lives in Pennsylvania, she prefers warmer temps than those that comfort me. First world problems. 
• I miss my husband. He's a wonderful guy, and right now he's too far away. I heard from him today. Work is beating his ass but not as much as the younger kids are. He isn't having a lot of fun. I wish he were here. 
• Man, I really like this Samuel Adams Cream Stout! 
• I told you last week about a puppy. Yes, we have a puppy. His name is Oreo. I took some pictures of him to post here, but I'm too tired to do that now. Also I think the dear deserves his own blog post. So stay tuned. Don't know when  that will happen. I have more to process here about my Dad's life celebration, like the fact that my ex-step-brothers are coming to town. 
• So, my dad has had three wives: my Mama was first, he left her for his second wife Mary who had three boys. Daddy and Mary got together when I was about 8 or 9 years old, and finally divorced when I was in college. I grew up with Mary's sons as my step-brothers. I have two new step-brothers now, but I barely know them. My dad married their mom back in the early 90s when I was married with two little kids. So when I think of step-brothers I think of Mary's sons. One of them, Dan, lives here in Gainesville. Hal lives in Greensboro, NC and Charles lives in Vancouver, BC, Canada now. Growing up with these guys, well, there's a lot of history. Some of it is ... kinda difficult. I haven't seen Hal and Charles in over 30 years. They are twins, and a couple of years older than me. Dan is a year younger than me. I've seen Dan a few times when I come to visit Daddy, but haven't seen the twins in, like I said, a very long time. A lot has changed for all of us. I dreamed about them last night. Both the twins will arrive in town tomorrow evening. We're all getting together for dinner and to go through pictures of Daddy and the family. There will be lots of pictures at the party, and we all get to pick out which ones to display. Together. I gotta tell you, I am nervous about seeing the twins. 
• Right now it's 1:30 in the morning. I am very tired. I had a dream about Hal last night that kind of upset me. Am I afraid to go to sleep now because of that? Or am I just stalling because it's what I do? I've had a glass of wine and a beer, but spread it out over the past three hours so I'm not feeling tipsy at all. Don't know it that's a good thing or not. But my head is beginning to hurt a little and I think it's from the tired not from the booze. And I have successfully written a blog post (in that it is written, not that it is necessarily a good post) which was my goal, so perhaps I should shut up now and go to sleep. 
• I still have stuff to process about my step-brothers, my Daddy, my Mama coming to my Daddy's death party (oops, I mean life celebration party), and probably some other stuff that I'm too tired to remember now. I hope to be able to ramble about some of that stuff here soon. Until then, I'm going to sleep now. Or something. 

Update: 
I survived the first night of get-together with all the family. Seeing the twins was a bit odd, and slightly uncomfortable, but for the most part very positive. The purpose of tonight's gathering was to go through photographs, picking out great ones of my dad to display at tomorrow's (technically today's) party. We found some great ones. Hal brought a bunch that his mother had taken from the years we were all together as that family unit. A lot of them were from building the big house out in the woods. Awesome stuff. I visited a lot of good memories from those times. Hal's stash also had photos from the Christmas we spent with my his mom's parents back in... hang on, let me figure it out... 1974 I think. I have a lot of very good memories from that visit. My dad had a lot of very old photographs from his parents' collection, some from their parents' generation even. Those were very early in the days of photography. There were some great ones of my grandpapa and his brothers as children and young men. I learned a lot about my grandpapa. I saw a picture of my grandmama when she was maybe 20 years old, one that I'd never seen before. I never knew her to look like that. It was a powerfully emotional evening, lots of laughs, lots of memories being tossed around.

Those in attendance tonight were my step mom and her son, who were mostly in the background because tonight's pictures were from before their involvement in Daddy's life. All three of my former step brothers were there; Hal, Charles, and Dan. Dan's S.O. Sunshine and their 3 yr old son Byron were there. Byron is the cutest and brightest 3 year old I've known in a long time. Light and Twitch were there, as were my Uncle John and his son, my cousin Jay. I haven't seen Jay, Hal, or Charles in at least 30 years. No, I may have seen Jay at my grandmama's funeral which was in 1996. Still, that was kind of a long time ago. And of course my brothers Mike and Jim were there. Jim's wife and 8 year old daughter were kinda hanging around in the background, but not in the thick of things.

It was fun showing my kids pictures of me when I was a kid. Light looks a lot like I did when I was in my teens. Actually, when my step brother Charles first saw her he wanted to call her by my name, she looks so much like he remembers me. My youngest step brother Dan is still very trim, but Hal and Charles have both developed quite the gut since our youths. I've probably gained the most weight, but it was a bit comforting that they are large now, too. And shucks, my brothers Mike and Jim are both fit and trim like years ago. They take better care of themselves than I do. eh. 

Moving on

... because what else is there to do?

It took us 11 hours to get home from Richmond, VA today. We stopped a few times, had a sit-down lunch at a Cracker Barrel before we ever got out of Virginia. Then we stopped for supper at my favorite place in the Charlotte, NC area. the IHOP on Cox. I took pictures. I'll post them soon, but not tonight. As I type this it's 1:53 a.m. Superman and I are driving down to Gainesville, FL in the morning to be with my brothers as we mourn Daddy's death.

It's been a surreal day. Started out with snow on the ground and more snow falling gently from the skies over Virginia. We tried to take a truckload of snow home to the kids, but it somehow disappeared between Richmond and Greenwood SC.

My Daddy isn't here anymore. All day today that reality keeps sinking in deeper. He wasn't supposed to die yet. He was supposed to have another 5, maybe 7 years. That's my opinion, anyway. He was 78 years old.

And I'm doing OK, really. He was a fine man, lived a good life more or less. He certainly had a full life, and did a lot of things that he really enjoyed. His life ended rather uncomfortably, but until a few days ago he was fine. He kept his mental faculties until the end, and I know that was very important to him. He did not linger, was not a burden on anyone, and lived his life on his own terms, at least the past few years.

Of course he's gone now, and that's not going to change. So we change with it. He's gone. We carry on.

Superman is allowed three consecutive calendar days of bereavement leave for the death of a parent-in-law. He took Monday off anyway for our return trip from Delaware. His three bereavement leave days begin tomorrow, go through Thursday. Good Friday comes at the end of the week and is a paid holiday where he works. So, he has the week off. We'll go tomorrow to be with my brothers and step-mom and stay for I don't know how long.

There won't be any kind of memorial service anytime soon. Daddy didn't want one, I think, and neither does his wife. They are now planning a celebration of life party on his behalf to be held in about four weeks. Daddy's wishes were to be cremated and have his ashes cast upon the waters of the Atlantic Ocean. Sometime this summer, I suppose, the brothers and step-mom will arrange a deep sea fishing trip and celebration of Daddy's life. We'll go east into the Atlantic and broadcast his ashes, perhaps drink a bit ("a bit" means "a lot") maybe do some fishing, and remember a truly special man. So nothing this week except being together. More formal and public celebrations of his life to follow later in the year. Though I wish there was some kind of memorial service for him this week, I'm OK with the way things are. It's what he wanted and what his widow wants for him. That is more important than what I might want. My immediate family here in South Carolina can have our own private memorial ritual.

And right now I really need to get to sleep!

Hair and death

Diva got a new 'do. She wanted me to share it with you. 

She hates this second picture because it shows her teeth. She says she has baby teeth, but they look pretty good to me. Of course, being the parent, I think they look good primarily because she doesn't need braces, so her teeth aren't as expensive as, say, Light's teeth, which look good now because we spent thousands on getting them straightened. 

These pictures were taken with her standing just outside her bedroom. This is her bedroom door, the outside of it. She "decorated" it herself without permission. It's ugly and tacky and pisses me off every time I see it. And I see it every time I come in the house, since it's opposite the foyer in the hallway.

What else was I going to tell you? I know, let's talk about death. We, Superman and I, are at an age where a lot of our older relatives are dying. Just yesterday Superman's Aunt Jackie died. Poor ol' gal has been hanging on by a thread for a while now. She got dementia and hung around for a while with that, but recently began deteriorating rapidly. Aunt Jackie is the older sister of Superman's mother, and the nicest of all the siblings. She got all the nice that her older sister missed. The oldest aunt is a sour, spiteful woman, and still alive. Superman says she's too sour to die. Preserved, as it were, with her sour attitude. Anyway, we may be taking a 500 mile round trip for Aunt Jackie's funeral. Not sure we're going, depends on a few things that depend, gas prices being one of those things. (I could rant about gas prices, but I'm sure you can find lots of other such rants most places on the internet these days.)

In other death news, the mother of my long-standing best friend from childhood died last Sunday. Her husband died last year (I don't remember exactly when, but I think it was within the past six months). Her name is Pat. She's a hoot. Graveside service and interment is Monday in Ohio, though they've lived in Florida since 1972? Early '70s, anyway. But the family is originally from Ohio, so that's where she's gone to decompose. Pat was like a second mother to me. Honestly, my mother was a bit nicer than Pat, but Pat was more interesting. She had a bigger zest for life. She was also a lot crazier than my mom. We found out years later that she was abusing prescription drugs that whole time, so that's an interesting twist. She was a good Catholic wife, had five babies, of which my girlfriend is number four. And five children was a bit much for her to handle, I think. Now, she might have gone crazy otherwise, but I suspect raising five children pushed her over the edge.

My friend posted on facebork last week that she was in the ER with her mom. I commented that I'd just had a dream about Pat. I'd just woken from a nap and logged onto facebork when I saw the post. While napping, I had a dream in which Pat appeared. Can't remember much about the dream, and Pat was, I think, a minor player in the dreamscape drama. And she was drunk. So I commented on the facebork post "I just had a dream about your mother. Aside from being drunk, she was fine." Well, my friend passed that message on to Pat, who had a hearty laugh at that. I am really glad that at least I got to help Pat laugh again before she died.

And I think I've mentioned that Superman's father is in really bad shape. He only has about half of one kidney left, the rest of his kidney parts having been surgically removed a few years ago. And that partial kidney is failing. And he refuses to go on dialysis. I don't blame him for that, though. I'd probably make the same decision were I in that situation. He's ready to die. And once he goes, my MIL will not hang on long, I think. Superman's brother who lives in the area mentioned that their mom seems to be losing her memory. Lordy, I hope she doesn't get the dementia that Aunt Jackie had. That will be ugly.

Although I'm not on death's door or anything, I'm coming down with some kind of ick. But not fish ick. My lungs are tight and heavy-feeling and my throat and right ear are beginning to hurt. Superman had these symptoms right after Christmas, spent over a week being too sick to do much. I'm trying to get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids - and not beer, either! Speaking of which, I could have oatmeal and milk for breakfast: Highland Oatmeal Porter and Duck-Rabbit Milk Stout, both of which are currently in our beer crisper. But I'm not. I had some yogurt instead. And now I'm going to put that load of laundry in the dryer and go back to bed.

My, my, it's been a while hasn't it?

Ur-spo recently asked for another post from me. I've been meaning to write stuff here for a while, but since it's been so long, it's hard to know where to start, what to pick up, what to leave off.

So I'll tell you what's on my mind right now. Well, some of what's on my mind. As has been demonstrated many times before (see the whole damned archives for my rambling nonsense) there are lots of things that crowd my mind all at once. I'll tell you some of the wisdom I have gathered in the last few months.

I seem to be getting my shit together somewhat. It all stems, I propose, from flossing my teeth regularly. Have I mentioned this yet? My New Year's Resolution for 2012 was to floss my teeth regularly. Of course I've made many a lofty resolution in years past and never fulfilled squat. A couple of weeks into the new year I had my semi-annual teeth cleaning, and at that point decided that I could floss my teeth regularly. It's a small thing, very small, and something I can probably keep doing. And I have. All this year I've almost never failed to floss before I brush my teeth at bedtime.

This has led to other changes in my personal lifestyle (or I credit the flossing since I don't know what else it could be). Sometime (I think) late in the summer (though I can't recall exactly) it slowly dawned on me that I don't really need all that food I've been eating. For many years (my entire adult life) I have been something of a compulsive overeater. If one cookie is good, twelve are better. If I want it, I eat it, and not in small quantity either. My size, my weight, attest to this fact. As I've said for years, I'm twice the woman I should be. But now, if I lost half my current weight I'd be a bit too small. Yes, I have lost weight! Over 30 lbs! I'm eating healthier and eating less. I don't need all that extra food to make me happy (or whatever my silly brain has been trying to compensate for).

The next step (one of them) is more stepping. The "trick" to weight loss is to eat less and move more. I have yet to psych myself up to exercise, but I'm thinking about it. Actually, I am moving a bit more. Weighing less has given me more energy. I can walk more easily. I occasionally park farther out in parking lots to walk extra. Oh, I'll tell you a tiny story. Last week I made a major grocery excursion; bought $300 worth of fairly cheap stuff at Wal-Mart. Took two carts to haul it all out to the truck. C was home to help me carry it all in from the truck, but I could have done it if I'd had to. And I put it all away. A few months ago I didn't have the stamina to stay in the store that long, much less haul stuff to the car, unload it, and put it away. Now I'll tell you, I was bushed afterward. Rested a while. Then I got up and did more stuff.

Thanksgiving I cooked almost the entire dinner (lots of stuff) by myself. Superman and Light have cooked most of Thanksgiving dinner in recent years. Light is now in Pennsylvania and hasn't been here for Thanksgiving for two years. Superman tore the medial gastrocnemius in his right calf the day before Thanksgiving and was practically no help with cooking. He chopped some veggies. Diva helped with a couple of things, but that was work for me, too, because I gave guidance. Dinner turned out great. That felt good!

I decided a month or two ago to do a lot more cooking. For one thing, I've cut out most meat. Still do poultry sometimes though I'm trying to cut that out, too. Still do seafood and have no qualms about that. We've had a lot of vegetarian meals over the past few weeks. I searched through some of my recipe collections for stuff that either is or can be meat free. I've been planning weekly meals!!  This is unheard of. Haven't been this gung-ho domestic since our early marriage. Tonight we had awesome mac-n-cheese with mushrooms, onions, and carrots chopped up fine in it. Four kinds of cheese, small shell pasta (my favorite). Awesome.

I've had a turkey in the freezer for probably over a year, and didn't use it at Thanksgiving, so Sproing convinced me to pull it out and cook it. That's dinner for tomorrow. It won't be the full T'giving spread, but I'll have a lot of the same stuff. No dressing, no green bean casserole this time. Sweet potatoes, definitely. Found a low fat recipe for sweet potato casserole that is, if anything, better than the rich delicious one my mother-in-law taught me.

Part of the impetus for all this domesticity is financial concerns. Our expenses are rising and income isn't. I'm sort of supposed to be getting a job now, you know, to pay off my student loans and shit. That was the agreement when I went back to school. Except I keep needing to be at home to take care of stuff. For example, Superman can't drive at all until after he sees the orthopedist in January, if then. He's got a big boot (walking boot they call it) that he might be able to stop using in 6 weeks. So I'm his chauffeur. The kids always need to be taken to various psycho-medical appointments. Diva got herself suspended for two days (tomorrow (Tues) and Wednesday) and I need to be here to manage her time. We do not want her to enjoy being suspended! Even if tomorrow is her birthday. But she is a whole other blog post I don't want to write right now. The point is that I am trying to do stuff at home that saves us money.

OH, and speaking of, I started making bread again. I used to make all our bread many years ago (before Twitch was born, I think. He's 21, almost 22). I use a starter called Herman. (I don't know why "Herman"). Here is the bread recipe. Have made it twice so far. The first time Sproing ate almost a whole loaf by himself. Yesterday I divided the starter into two containers so I can make a couple of loaves every two or three days. With all the hungry people in this house we need at least that much. I really like making bread. I had forgotten how much I enjoy it. And now I have the energy to do it!

That's about all I can think to share tonight. I endeavor to get back here before too long to ramble on about other things, like Diva and Sproing and their shenanigans. And Twitch graduates with a bachelor's degree in Graphic Design in less than two weeks. What's he gonna do next? So far he has no job lined up. My Mama just got out of the hospital today after suffering with a nasty urinary tract infection that had her fever up to 103+ for days. My dad goes in to the hospital for a heart valve replacement in less than two weeks. He told me he's getting a valve from an Arkansas Razorback Hog.
 
He's been a Florida Gator fan most of his life, and I told him he's gonna be compelled to root for Arkansas now. He's a trip.

Is there any past drama that you'd like me to update? Any questions I've left hanging that you'd like answers to? Just ask. I'll do my best to provide answers in a follow-up blog post. Soon, even!

General update and a quote

This was the quote in today's A.Word.A.Day offering. Is this significant to my life today?

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. -Peter Drucker, management consultant, professor, and writer (1909-2005)

I discovered a website of gay stories. I was up until, um... (shhh - 5:00 this morning)(don't tell Superman) ... pretty late reading one of the stories. It was good, sure. But why do I do this to myself? Why do I sabotage my health and sanity with behaviors like this?

Superman and I were just talking about the stress in our lives. Their names are Sproing, Diva, and Money. Oh, and the repairs and remodel "we" (mostly he) is/are doing on the house and yard. We want to move, but the house and yard need a lot of work to get it into sellable condition.

I'm really too tired to think about it much. I'd get too upset if I tried, so I'm going to ignore it for now. And go to bed early tonight (I hope!).

Superman says he feels like he's on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I had me another mini-breakdown Sunday after Sproing acted like... well, Sproing. I'm worried about Superman, though.

My brain isn't working well. Too tired. I will go to my Art History class in an hour, then meet with my academic advisor about finishing up my research project. We might be going in a different direction now, actually. I want to tell you about it, but I'm too tired. Briefly (really this time!) I'm looking into the possibility of starting a gay-lesbian-bi-transgender support group and/or community center for my course project. This may just be an empty exercise for the experience and a grade, or perhaps I will find enough support for the thing to really get off the ground. At any rate I'd like to start a PFLAG chapter. Of course there isn't one in Greenwood. According to the PFLAG website, there are five chapters in South Carolina: Greenville, Spartanburg, Columbia, Myrtle Beach, and Charleston. The closest to us is Greenville, about an hour north of Greenwood. I've been to that one a few times, but the travel distance precludes much involvement. We need one in Greenwood, imho.

And I'm rambling again. It's what I do when I'm tired. Also what I do when I'm not tired, but more so when I'm tired. Like now. This is a perfect example of rambling.

Oh, shut up Java. Post this thing and go to school already.

Life goes on

I feel detached from myself. Almost like I'm looking at my life from the outside, but not quite. I don't know who I am. All of a sudden I showed up in this strange life and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. It's a mild dissociation, and I'm sure it'll pass. I think the imminent change of season might have something to do with it. I often get disoriented in the early fall and early spring.

Although I'm waiting for fall to get here and she isn't in any hurry. It is still hot hot hot here. And dry. We need rain. Looks like we'll get some from the tropical system that was lately in the Gulf o' Mexico. (Can't remember what they named it.)

I went to the fabric store this afternoon. That's always fun. I want to make a warm winter coat for Light, so was looking through the pattern books. I found ONE pattern for a nice long lined coat. I was able to get the interfacing, lining, and shoulder pads for the coat, but not the outer fabric. The store had a hunk of thick wool fabric that I liked, but didn't have quite enough. The coat requires 6.25 yards and there were only 5-and-a-little-bit yards on the bolt at the store. But Superman, who like a super man went to the fabric store with me, mentioned that we will be in the Charlotte area in a couple of days and can go to Mary Jo's Cloth Store! Yippee!! I love that place. They have tons of fabric, practically anything anyone needs. Or wants.

Twitch is home for the holiday weekend. I drove up to Charlotte and brought him home Thursday evening. Loads of fun. School is closed for Labor Day, and he doesn't have any Tuesday classes. Cool, huh? We will take him back home Tuesday night. But yesterday he went with Superman and Sproing to the Charlotte area, because of course he's home for a long weekend break, so he had to go back to Charlotte for the day. Whatever.

But, there's a good reason they went to Charlotte. Superman is in the market for a new pickup truck. They found one! We will go back Tuesday after Superman has a chance to go to the credit union for the $$s. He's been approved for a car loan, but hadn't found a car yet, you know how that goes. Anyway, he found a pickup he likes. It's an F-250 with a 5.4L V8 with tow package. Extended cab, so it has a small back seat, not a full 4 door crew cab. He says it has a large bed, plenty for carrying all manner of cargo. I'm all excited.

I am sort of taking a class this semester. Classes started last Thursday. I am sitting in on an art history class, and so far I really like it. Absolutely love the professor. I've met him, but never took a class with him. He's an old guy who keeps talking about retiring, but hasn't yet. Many people have told me I should take at least one of his classes. The class I'm in covers the Renaissance and Baroque, or maybe Rococo. I haven't a clue about the time lines for those periods, though I will by the end of the course.

It seems like there's something else I should tell you, but I can't think what it is. If I think of it, perhaps I'll add it later. Or make a new post.

So, Java, how are the kids?

The house is crowded. This many people living this close to each other can cause friction. So far there have been no homicides. They watch a lot of homicides, though. My girls can sit for hours watching Law & Order, NCIS, CSI, etc.

Diva

Diva is doing pretty well, all things considered. She and Sproing often get ugly with each other which is normal for 13 year old siblings. It seems kind of extreme to me, but I'm not really sure. And they can go for days without screaming at each other, so that's good. She likes to go skating, and so does Sproing. The local rink has summer afternoon specials; Monday, Wednesday, and Friday skating from noon to 5, $6 for pizza, skate rental, and five hours of fun and exercise. As long as the two young'uns aren't there at the same time, everything is hunky-dory.

Diva got her hair done over the weekend. She's got tracks. (I don't know.) She's lookin' good. She's been wearing some makeup, too, mostly lipstick and eye shadow. I don't really know how to do makeup on dark skin, but have gotten some tips from Diva's social worker. I think they are going to work together on the makeup thing sometime soon. Diva is a bit taller than average. I'm 5' 6.5" and she's almost as tall as I am. She lost almost 20 lbs when she was in the RTF. She's looking frighteningly nice from a parent's perspective.

Sproing

The boy is hyperactive. Have I mentioned that before? And oppositional. He loves to argue, but denies that he's arguing. "I don't want to argue with you anymore, Sproing." "I'm not arguing!!" If I were watching it on a family sitcom it'd be hilarious. He spends too much time in front of the TV. Oh, and he still asks me to get Grand Theft Auto for him. That's an easy answer. NO! He watches stupid stuff on Disney and Nickelodeon and plays his Xbox games. He plays basketball, football, and European football, and plays a couple of different car related games. I suppose if I were a good mother I'd make him do other stuff. I have provided diversions for him and sometimes he goes outside to play with another boy down the street.

I discovered a summer youth program that the kids could attend. It is a faith based endeavor, God bless 'em. Monday through Friday 8:30 to 3:30. They serve a light breakfast, lunch, and afternoon snack. Two hours in the morning are devoted to academics. Diva said that summer camps are supposed to be fun, and anything that involves math is not fun. They'll also take the kids on a few field trips (bowling, skating, a water park) and have some organizations come in to enrich their soggy little minds. Sounds great, no?

But here's the thing. The lady who is in charge of the camp is the chorus teacher at the middle school my kids go to. Not a problem for Diva, but Sproing has something against her. They don't get along. Neither likes the other. I called her for information about the program, and recognized the last name. I hoped it was coincidental, but alas, no. I gave her my name and she said "Is that (Sproing) Lastname?" So he refuses to go. It's just as well, because if I tried to make him go he'd act out so badly there would be problems. But Diva will go. She's not overly willing, but she'll go. The program lasts for six blessed weeks, ending a week and a half before school begins in August. Hallelujah.

Light

... is home now. She has not gotten a job, and has only six weeks before she leaves for grad school. She says no one wants to hire her for six weeks. She hasn't asked, dammit. The poor dear is sleeping on the cot/daybed in my office. We don't share well. There is a lot of my junk in there and she doesn't have a lot of room. It's driving her to distraction. I'm sorry, really I am, but there isn't enough space in this house right now.

Twitch

This is his final week of the spring quarter at school. His last class is Thursday and I'll drive up and bring him home either Thursday night or Friday afternoon. Summer quarter begins the second full week of July. One more body (and it's a large, loud body) in this small house will increase friction. He shares a room with Sproing. They have different wake/sleep cycles and music preferences. You can imagine the strife.

C and N

Guess what! C and N and another couple they know are getting their own apartment! They will move July 1st. This is a positive move for them and will relieve the overcrowding here. I'm in mourning. I love those young men and hate to see them go. I am looking forward to the extra space, though. Diva will move into their room and Light will move back into her room which Diva has been occupying. The apartment the guys are going to is less than two miles from here. It's very close to the college, and C has enrolled for fall semester. Yes! He's going back to finish his degree! He's only a couple of semesters shy of graduating, but he has to take one class at a time for now. His dad, bless his heart, is helping him pay for school now, but can only afford once class at a time, and C has to work. I'm extremely excited for him. N was supposed to start at the beauty college, but things haven't meshed for that to happen yet. I'm frustrated. The kid needs to be doing something.

Summer Vacation

We're taking one. As a family we have not had a real vacation in I don't remember how long. Light bought a minivan recently and it's the only thing we have that's big enough for all six of us. So we're taking her minivan, four adults and two children, and a week's worth of stuff for all of us to Florida. We have reservations in a small motel suite on the beach for two days, then we'll spend a day and night with my darling mother, then spend two nights and a day in between with my brother. He's the kids' favorite uncle. He's very avuncular. And relatively wealthy (has more disposable income than we do), and his kids are a couple of years younger than our young ones. They have nice toys, nicer for the most part than the stuff our kids have.

I have often been to Florida to see family in the past few years, and some of the kids have gone some times. Superman hasn't been with us in years. My idea of a vacation is not the same as his. I like to go around visiting friends and relatives. He likes to go somewhere interesting and stay, doing as close to nothing as possible. This vacation splits the difference.

Superman has a bad habit of getting sick whenever we go anywhere. He gets sick nearly every time I leave him to go somewhere. I used to have sympathy for him, but now it just annoys me. I hope this time he stays well.

Census Summary

To summarize: today there are seven people living in this 3 bed/2 bath house. Actually, we only have 1.3 bathrooms. Superman is in the midst of remodeling the hall bath, and the only part of it that works is the toilet. The house is approximately 1600 square feet. The public areas include a kitchen, family room, living room and dining room. The living and dining rooms are being used as bedrooms and my office. So, 5 bedrooms, sort of, and 1.3 baths. Not much for 7 people. This weekend we'll add Twitch, making it 8 bodies. In 2.5 weeks C and N will move out, leaving 6. Before that, those 6 of us will be away on vacation for almost a week, so the 2 young men will be here by themselves. In 4 weeks, Twitch goes back to school leaving 5 in the house. A few weeks later (I'm not sure of the exact date) Light will move to the northeast for grad school, leaving 4 in the house. Are you dizzy yet?

Well, this is unexpected

Things with Diva are working out much better than I feared. So far. It is hard to trust her for the long term. She's been here just over a week, and since about Tuesday has been pretty normal. She wanted to ride the school bus on Monday, and I didn't think that was a good idea. We argued. Superman and I discussed it and decided to give her enough rope to hang herself. It actually turned out fine. She's been riding the bus morning and afternoon, and so far all is well.

Sproing always rides to school with Superman. The school and Superman's place of business are only a few tenths of a mile from each other. Last week Superman drove Manny (my beloved pickup truck) which bugs Sproing. He's 13, thus very image conscious. Manny is a hunk of junk and an embarrassment to the child. It amuses me. Anyhoo, with Diva on the bus and Sproing in the car, it gives each of them some time away from each other.

The worst part of Diva's homecoming so far (one of two, actually) is the way the two children get along with each other. They don't. He's having a real hard time with her being here. He's spoiled, I admit. That's part of the problem, but there's a lot more to it. He has been the only child in the household for a year now. He's inherently jealous and selfish, probably more so than most normal adolescents. The two of them have a stormy history. Many of the misdeeds that sent her to the psychiatric residential treatment facility (RTF) either directly affected Sproing or included him as co-perpetrator. He has some pretty serious psychological/emotional problems, as does she, but the two are different. It has been a challenge.

The other bad thing about Diva being here is her nocturnal enuresis. Bedwetting. At 13 years old, by god! I don't know if she does it on purpose or not. I don't know what the problem is. Does she just not care? Sometimes it seems so. I asked her if she wet the bed at the RTF, and she said not very often. What did they do? They woke her up a couple of times a night for her to use the bathroom. "They" with their 24 hour staff. Well, shit. Or perhaps she has some physical problem, or it's tied to her emotional disabilities. I don't know. She's going to our family physician for a check-up tomorrow (Monday) morning, and I intend to ask him about it. It's probably time to take her to the urologist again. We did that when she was about 5 or 6 years old. At the time, the urologist found nothing physically amiss. We shall see.

In other news, last week was crazy. Light had the opening reception for her senior art exhibit last Sunday afternoon. She graduates in six days!!! with a bachelor of fine arts in studio art, and this exhibit is a really big deal and a major requirement for graduation. She invited the family: my dad and stepmom, my mom, Superman's mom and dad, and Superman's brother and his wife. That's who all showed up. My parents-in-law didn't get here until Sunday evening, and Superman took Monday off from work and took them to the gallery at Light's college. They missed the opening reception (thank the gods!!) but saw the exhibit. We of course had Sproing and Diva with us, which was uncomfortable but nothing tragic. My dad kept Sproing pretty busy and away from Diva. My dad and Sproing get along well.

I had final exams early in the previous week, which week culminated in Diva coming home and my dad and stepmom coming to town on Friday. Saturday Superman, Diva and I went to Light's college for an award ceremony in which Light was honored with an award for completing the honors program. There was a lot more to the ceremony, but that was the only interesting part, of course. :) Then Superman, Light, and a few of her friends worked their collective butts off setting up her show. We came back to Greenwood, only to turn around the next morning and go back, this time with Sproing in tow. When we came back home Sunday evening we had my Mama with us. She had stayed in college town for a few days before, to be with Light and all, then came home with us to visit for a few days. She was in South Carolina for a week, flying in and out on consecutive Thursdays.

My dad and stepmom, particularly my stepmom, were annoying and rude. Not the whole time, especially not when they were with me. But they spent a lot of the day Saturday at our house with Sproing while the rest of us were with Light. My house is an awful mess, I admit, and I have some issues that need to be addressed. My stepmom was judgmental and obnoxious about the house, from what I heard. She didn't say anything to me, which makes it worse in a way. C and N were here, of course, because they live here. She was extremely rude to them, ignoring them when she wasn't giving them contemptuous stares. C tried to be polite to her, but she shunned him. Ooooooo!!! It makes me mad!

I mentioned it to my Mama, and she said they didn't like it that C and N live here, and she agrees with them. WTF? In the first place, what business is it of yours so fuck off. I kept my tone civil and asked why they felt that way. Mama said that part of it has to do with them taking up space in the house, and we don't have room for our own children because they are here. Oh, give me a break. My two youngest children each have a bedroom, and my college student children share the bedroom with their same-sex sibling on the few occasions when they are home. It's crowded, but it works.

I'm not sure what their other objections are to C and N being here, and I don't really care. I had a talk with Mama about a few things on Monday night, after I had a mini-breakdown. Monday was hard for me, but the discussion was good. It cleared the air. Among other things, I told her about how important C and N are to me, particularly C. We've been a part of each other's lives for five years now, and are very close. He understands me in ways that my husband doesn't. (Of course, my husband understands me in many ways that C doesn't!) Likewise, I know him very well. We speak the same emotional language, or something like that. Hell, his mother kicked him to the street when he came out, and I took him in. We have had many long intense discussions about deep stuff. He and I are each other's friend-therapists. He's my best girlfriend. It's a complicated relationship and difficult to define.

Anyway, when I explained to Mama that he is a source of comfort and otherwise very important to me, she understood a little bit better and wasn't as negative. Either that or she was humoring me, and I don't care which. She was, however, very nice to C and N the rest of the time she was here. She actually likes C. He's a likable guy.

Speaking of C and N, they gave me a Mother's Day card today. It was one of two cards I received. Sproing's social worker took him out to buy me a card last week, and that was sweet. C and N got me a nice card and wrote some very touching things to me. It even made Superman tear up a bit. (He's a big softy, though, so that's not a stretch.) Of the things I got, that was the most meaningful.

The rest of the Mother's Day report: I got a call from Twitch this morning. He was nice, we talked a bit, it was a good conversation, and it was short. These are the best kinds of phone conversations to have with Twitch. He's difficult to understand over the phone. He's a good guy. He's 20 years old now, and though a bit slow with the growing-up stuff, he is making excellent progress. He's OK.

I got a text message from Light. That amuses me. This is her week of final exams. She has a major paper due Monday afternoon. I was in the same situation two weeks ago, and I know the stress. I saw her Thursday afternoon (went to see her after I took Mama to the airport), and in casual conversation she told me how much she loves and appreciates me. It was special. And it wasn't on a greeting card or said on one particular day, so that makes it more meaningful in my estimation. Obligatory greetings are less so.

Sproing said nothing. He did the Mother's Day thing last week, so he was good. That also amuses me. He's a good kid.

Diva went with her daddy to the store this noon and got me a baby doll. Sounds kind of silly, perhaps, but it is meaningful to me. I like baby dolls, and she knows that, remembered that, and had a desire to get me something she knows I like. All in all it's pretty significant coming from her. She's the one who used to target the things I like in order to destroy them and hurt me. (Notice I said "used to." I hope that's all in the past. This is my worry, the thing about her which I don't quite trust.)

Oh, and I called my Mama. I bought her a few little practical gifts when she was here, nothing particularly special, but it was something. She likes gifts. And I called her around 11:00, after Twitch called me. Yes, his call reminded me that I needed to call my mother. This evening Light called Superman and reminded him to call his mother. Amusing, perhaps. Don't tell our mothers! Back on topic: I was the first of the siblings to call Mama. My two brothers and I have a running competition to see who calls her first on special days, or otherwise does the best tribute to her. Her birthday was last month. My brother Mike visited her and took her to lunch. I sent flowers. He was with her when she received the flowers, so I looked pretty good. He, however, was there in the flesh, took her to lunch, and spent time with her. He won the Good Son award for her birthday. I called first today, so I win today. He's going to do a late Mother's Day thing with her in two weeks, though, which will be better than my first call. I have lots of fun with this. Mike and I are in the running for Good Child more often than Jim is. He's not much of a talker, likes to keep to himself especially when he is under stress. He's a really good man, and has a lot of stress in his life. We love him just the same.

Lordy it's late! It is good to get back here and blather on about what has happened in my life recently. Now that the rush is over I hope to be back more frequently, both posting here and reading my favorite blogs. Since school started in January I haven't had much time for that. I miss you all. But now I'm going to bed.

This may take a while

26 March 2011

I'm more stressed than usual and having commensurate difficulty focusing on everything.

Light is home for spring break. Superman is on his way home with Twitch as I write this. They'll probably be back by the time I write the end of this post. As I said, this may take a while.

Two big complicated things: school and Diva.

School: I took on an overloaded schedule this semester. Theoretically I should be able to handle it. I did not account for the rest of my life being so complicated. I'm not sure what to do about it yet, but I will not be able to complete all the work I have before the end of the semester. Will keep you updated as I figure stuff out and actually write a post.

[Interlude: Superman and Twitch got home before the previous paragraph. Five minutes later Sproing came home from spending the day with the Wonderful Social Worker. C and N are hosting a gathering of half a dozen of our friends. Things are hectic and I need to have some deep conversation with my husband. I'll continue this dissertation probably tomorrow.]

27 March 2011

Man, I'm so unmotivated to do any school work. I have to write a resume (don't have one already) for tomorrow's senior seminar class. I so don't want to. I don't give a shit. Light told me that she has a resume builder program, or free access to a website or some such, and she'll help me put in the info. Yes, my daughter is helping me with my homework. I told her to do it for me because I don't give a shit, but she's so honest and noble and honorable she won't do it. I taught her well, didn't I? Because that's my philosophy on course work, homework, education in general. To students I say "It's your education. Correct answers aren't as important as you learning the material. I'd rather see your work with mistakes than someone else's perfect work." And usually I live by that ethic. But with this crock of bullshit, I don't even think it matters. Perhaps my standards are slipping. I blame the nervous breakdown. But I don't feel this way about my other classes, so I'm not too worried about it.

We were about to get into the second of my complicated things. Diva. Oh, shit. This is weighing very heavy on my soul.

Where to begin? Here's the post from a year ago that describes the events that finally sent her to the mental hospital. For further information read the rest of the March 2010 posts. But if you've been following this drama for a while, you know that the problems started long, long before last spring. The summer of 2009 was a living hell. I can't bring myself to look at those posts and I can't remember how much I chronicled. So take a look if you want. Long story short(er), she has been messed up in the head and a huge problem for many years. And she's only 13 years old now. Yep. Bad news.

I'm stalling. I need to write it out, but my fingers and my heart don't want to go there. Let's try again.

The residential treatment facility (RTF) where she is currently incarcerated/committed has done about as much as they can do for her. Or they are tired of having her around. Or the agency that placed her there (and I don't even remember which branch of mental health agency that was) is tired of paying for her to be there. (I honestly don't know how that works. Medicaid is paying for it, I think, but the costs might be accounted through the agency, which would be a large expense on their paperwork. But I might be wrong.) At any rate, Diva's current treatment plan has her leaving the RTF very soon. Next month, possibly.

I made it clear to Diva's case worker at the RTF at least six months ago that we would not be able to bring her back home from the RTF, that we needed some kind of transitional arrangement for her to go elsewhere before coming here. Now that the move is imminent, Superman and I are getting nervous. Because the state agency in control of her residence status is now trying to prepare everyone for her homecoming. As in coming to this house, to live under the roof where I live, where her Daddy lives. You have no idea how gut-wrenchingly frightening that is.

And we can't do it. Shit, this is hard. La-ti-da-ti-da. La-la-la-la-la-la I can't hear you! Java, honey, write it down. You need to get this out. It won't get better until you get through it, process it, come out the other side. You'll be OK. You're strong. Yes, this hurts. It's hard. But you have the strength to make it through.

OK, trying again... We can not bring her home. Ever. Damn you have no idea how hard this is to write. My fingers don't want to hit that key combination. My stomach physically hurts.

I want for her to get the best care possible under the circumstances. Oh HELL no, I know that isn't with me. Of that I am confident. Shit, she's such a trigger for me emotionally. I'm afraid that I would hurt her, and I don't want that for her. I want her to get the best care she can get. She is a very sick young lady and probably will never be quite right in the head. She can improve, be better than she otherwise might be, but she needs to have consistent and persistent therapy to guide her thoughts. The child has no natural ability for empathy, though the mental health professionals tell me that she can be taught to consider the feelings of others. Don't know if I believe them. It will be an intellectual exercise for her, with no real emotional component. The only thing she truly cares about is herself. If she wants something, she feels entitled to it no matter who else might have a claim to whatever it is. Yes, she is a psychopath. Or sociopath. Neither of those terms is used in modern psychology. Officially she has conduct disorder, early onset. Once she reaches the age of 18 she will qualify for a personality disorder diagnosis. There are a few that might apply. Borderline personality disorder, anti-social p.d., narcissistic p.d., etc. I'm getting technical in order to distance myself from the personal. 'Cause the personal hurts real bad.

I sort of love her. I care very much about her. I love who I hoped she would be. My heart is breaking. Can you hear it?

She doesn't connect to me emotionally. When we talk, either on the phone or in person, she is distant, almost mechanical. I feel as though she constantly tries to manipulate my emotions. She has none of her own (except to be angry and indignant) . And it seems as though playing with my emotions is a game for her. I'm very emotional, loving, caring, nurturing. I can't turn those things off. She exploits that.

I have put a lot of emotional energy into that child over the past 12 years. She was 14 months old when we got custody of her. Eleven months later the adoption was legally accomplished. We made a promise to love her and raise her as our own. Well, we did the best we could. She has never been an easy child. She has worked hard and consistently to break my trust in her. And I have none left. The only thing I can trust her to do is lie and manipulate. I can't be her mother, not in the traditional sense of motherhood. I can help manage her care, be a part of her treatment team. But I cannot give direct care to the child. It's too late. She's too far gone. I'm too far gone. Superman is too far gone. Her siblings have been over her for a while now.

Superman told me last night about dreams he's been having in which Diva comes into the house to kill us. After she threatened to do that very thing, I'm not surprised he has these dreams. Sometimes in the dreams she comes after Superman, or me, or another loved one. Sometimes Superman hunts her down to kill her in these dreams. He told me the scariest dream was one in which he actually did kill her. He's obviously been having these dreams for a while, but he only told me last night. He isn't nearly as troubled as I am about her never coming home.

OK. There it is. I did it. And now you know.

Don't feel obligated to leave a comment. This is big ugly stuff which is hard to respond to. If you have something to add, please do. But don't feel obligated.

Thank you for slogging through it all.