Euphemisms

I just listened to a podcast from Mike Rowe. You may know him from the Discovery Channel show Dirty Jobs. He does podcasts now, among other things. His latest podcast, number 38, is entitled "Self Abuse" in which he discusses the early 19th century masturbation scare. The podcast is only 10 minutes long, the first couple of minutes are a commercial. But the rest of the piece is funny if only for the sheer number of euphemisms he uses for masturbation.

I wrote them all down. Some I'd heard before, some were new to me, and I know a few more that he didn't use. But because I love you all, I have decided to share the list with you, you know, just in case you need a good masturbation euphemism. Let us begin:

self abuse
manual gratification
spilling the seed
shaking hands with the false prophet
burping the worm
kindling Satan's wood
rubbing the Buddha's belly
one-handed spear cleaning
slamming the ham
holding the sausage
flogging the bologna pony
beating the bishop
auditioning the hand puppet
the one gun salute
pounding the pulpit
badgering the witness
beating around the bush
corking his own bat*
pulling the golden goalie*
And after you've committed the act, you are covered in heathen stew.

*I may have misheard these. It sounded like he said "quirking his own bat" but "corking" makes more sense to me, and I'm not sure about that golden goalie.

P.S. I find it hard to believe that I didn't already have a label/tag for masturbation! I try to be so sex positive, another term for which I had to make a new label/tag.