I'm ill as a snake. Grumpy. Unfit for human interaction. I've felt like this most of the day and there hasn't been a damn thing I could do except suck it up and do what needs doing. So of course that's what I did.
The bus drivers had our "office" party this noon. Pot luck. I took mocha biscotti. I really didn't feel like participating. I wondered whether I should. There are good reasons to go mingle and play sweet. It was a very simple pot luck lunch so there wasn't a lot of mingling required. I went through the line and got a few things. My appetite just wasn't there, which is odd for me. I'm morbidly obese, as the doc likes to say, so if my appetite is off I try to go with that flow. I sat at one end of a table, a couple of other drivers sat down beside me and we ate peacefully. I didn't stay long, but I smiled and responded pleasantly to those who spoke to me.
I was proud of myself for being nice to the driver who drives the regular route bus in the area of the county where I go. We don't share the road very well, and of course it is all her fault. Really, she's a mean bitch. But I have to work with her and it is easier to do if I play nice. One of my motivations to be pleasant to her today was that I just didn't have the energy to get into a bitch fest with her. She's very tallented at being a bitch, and I'm not as experienced.
The voices in my head have been naughty today, telling me all the bad things about me. I tried to tell them to shut up. My typical counter measure involves coming up with success stories and other random bits of goodness I exhibit. There wasn't anything in my arsenal today. On a positive note I did argue with them! That didn't shut them up but did confuse me. My head is all muddled. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe if I get some good rest I will feel more positive about myself tomorrow. I go see my therapist Friday morning. I'd like to tell her a success story about how I worked to overcome the self-defeating attitudes. Right now, though, I'm just confused and conflicted.
Moving Along, but Adrift
10 years ago
11 comments:
I don't know anyone who feels good about themselves when they're under the weather. Get some rest, gain some strength. You'll be much better at shouting down those worthless negative voices when you're a bit more on your game. If that doesn't work, send those voices over to a few of us - I'm sure we'll have some creative and choice words to tell them to go bugger off. :)
Thanks, Dantallion. It's amazing how much better that makes me feel!
Oh yes, I have a co-worker who I absolutely despise. She's a whiner and cryer and plays these head games on our supervisor in order to gain preferential treatment for herself. I'm astounded at how blind my superiors appear to be to all of it and I'm also extremely resentful as it only means more of the difficult crap gets dumped on my desk. Grrrr....yet I "play nice" because she is the type of bitch you don't want on your bad side as she could make my life far more miserable there if given the opportunity. What's that about keeping your friends close but your enemies closer?
...sunshine: I've always liked that quote- friends close, enemies closer. As for being nice to the bitches- here's another favorite quote- You catch more flies with honey.
Everyone seems to be getting ill! I hope you recover quickly! :)
when those nasty tapes start running i play minesweeper. it tends to occupy the analytical/critical part of my brain and lets me just be.
Ahh, darn it. So sorry to hear of the trouble. NO BAD THOUGHTS....you're above that, much better than that. Don't accept them......say 'GO AWAY' when they try. Hugs to you.
anythingbutsad: :-)
dykewife: distracting myself with something completely different is a good idea.
lewis: You say I'm above that. Well, that's exactly what my head is arguing against! On a good day, yes I'm better than that. Today wasn't so good. I did tell them to go away, but I didn't have that certain tone in my voice, I think, to really shoo them away. I just got confused. But the encouragement helps clear things up. Hugs right back, dear!
sad to hear you're not feelin' too good. That will pass, and I hope quickly.
Writing down and telling us how you feel is a good thing. It's out there and could be gone from you because you let it go. Try this way of thinking about it, you wrote it down and sent it away.
I see the word "NOTHING". I get out a mental paintbrush and start painting the word. I stay in the lines. I do it in different fonts. Before long, there is nothing but the word, all painted and shiny. My other thoughts have left, when they come back, I go back to painting. Maybe I do the word "Crapola"
Peace to you and all you hold dear, and Peace to All.
Here's to feeling better quickly and getting those negative voices out of your head.
When you're under the weather it can be more difficult than ever to battle those ugly voices. Be kind to yourself; go to bed early and eat nutritious food instead of the comfort food you crave.
Positive vibes are on the way!
Mark :-)
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